Below we evaluate the field and try to make sense of this all-important contest. Whose name are tomorrow's independent book store clerks going to scribble with little hearts around on in their mock-elementary school notepads?

The critical attributes: anemic complexion and disposition; fixed expression of terror at the big, scary world; credible devotion to obscure bands; still owns and fits into his childhood summer camp warddrobe. Past work with Kristen Stewart or Zooey Deschanel vital. Stutter strongly encouraged.

Candidates who were initially child stars have the strong advantage of being raised in hothouse environment which enforces stunted emotional development, like Catalina Island buffalo.

The Contenders:

Joseph Gordon Levitt
Strengths: Looks as though he has been protected from sunlight since birth. Had small role in hipster ironic landmark Family Ties. Appeared in two classics of hoodie cinema — Brick and 500 Days of Summer. In the latter, had a relationship with a girl based on their common love of The Smiths. Went to Columbia University where he studied French Poetry. Maintains a website on which he features short films.
Weaknesses: Also appeared in 3rd Rock From the Sun which is decidedly not part of the ironic canon. Didn't ever wear a hoodie in 500 Days.
Kristen or Zooey: Zooey in 500 Days.
The Morning Line: On paper, this kid has it all. Would be a serious contender for the title even if Cera were still at his height. The only question is has he peaked and revealed too many hipster credentials too fast?

Jesse Eisenberg
Strengths: Has perfected world class look of terror and befuddled amazement. Mother was a clown. Did entire film in 80's garb. Appeared in indie films while still very young.
Weaknesses: Despite perpetually adolescent jew-fro, mature range of expression is upsettingly evocative of burgeoning adulthood.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristen in Adventureland.
The Morning Line: A strong contender; making an 80's period piece was an inspired play to the hoodie base the importance of which can not be underestimated. However, outbreaks of adulthood can not be ignored and ultimately may prove crippling.

Emile Hirsch
Strengths: Mother designed pop-up books. Specializes in playing intense and offbeat dreamers. Learned how to skateboard for Lords of Dogtown.
Weaknesses: Cleans up a bit too well, as demonstrated in Speed Racer. Conventionally not quirkily handsome. Tends towards athletic, active characters.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristin in Into the Wild.
The Morning Line; Has some strong off-beat appeal but ultimately might have soaked up a bit too much California sunshine in his Malibu youth to effectively represent Hoodie Nation.

Jon Foster
Strengths: Hippie parents. Steady run of indie films. Broke into public view in a landmark young-man-confused-and-frightened-by-sex role in The Door in the Floor. Has experimented with alternative facial hair.
Weaknesses: About to go into the least hoodie realm in entertainment — CBS primetime sitcom land.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither, but appeared in The Informers with America's Ur-hoodette Winona Ryder.
The Morning Line: A long shot candidate, but if the front-runners falter, has some indie credibility.

Robert Pattinson
Strengths: British. No one does silently suffering better. Plays guitar.
Weaknesses: Way way too good looking.
Kristen or Zooey: Owns the Kristen franchise.
The Morning Line: Naming Pattinson Tweeheart would essentially be like the Republicans nominating Dennis Kucinich, but with a candidate this strong, stranger things have happened in politics. If Hoodie Nation feels itself in danger, it may be willing to take some extraordinary risks.

Jason Schwartzman
Strengths: A Tweeheart Emeritus, in the event of a deadlock, could come out of retirement to serve one more term.
Weaknesses: In Funny People made a fatal change in type from mopey guy to annoying roommate — a hard role to position yourself as a heart-throb.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither but appeared a short feature with Natalie, which is kinda the same.
The Morning Line: America loves a comeback, but in the end being the Tweeheart is a young man/boy's game.

And most of all we wish good luck to the hoodied girls of America who will make this fateful choice. Our future is in your hand.

Convinced that Deal or No Deal can't get any better? Well think again. Not only will the show still have models and suitcases full of imaginary money, but now it will be filmed... in Waterford, Connecticut! Yes, because of tax incentives the show has switched production locations (from Culver City, CA), along with Jerry Springer, Maury, and something called the Steve Wilkos Show (which will all film in the same studio complex in beautiful downtown Stamford.) I can't wait until they start shooting Gossip Girl in Bridgeport! [Variety]

An American book made into a French movie will now become an American movie. Tell No One, based on Harlan Coben's best-selling mystery novel, was an international hit last year, so now America wants in on the action. [Variety]

Dusty old codger Bruce Willis will work until he can't stand up anymore. He's in talks to star in three new action movies, despite recently turning the unthinkably ancient age of 54. One's about a detective doggedly chasing a moiderer, another's about a grizzled retired Special Ops dude, and the third is about an FBI agent going undercover into the mob (though he's probably not going to do this one). So good for him. He's tapped into that same alchemy that Harrison Ford did about ten or fifteen years ago. [THR]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Rainn Wilson, maestros of quirk in their own ways, have joined Natalie Portman in the quirky sounding Hesher, about a wayward dude (Gordon-Levitt) who befriends a 13-year-old kid who's in love with a supermarket checkout girl (Portman), and who's dad (Wilson) is going through some tough times. How much you wanna bet the score involves a glockenspiel? [THR]

Hope, um, you didn't get too attached. ABC Family's Roommates series will not be picked up for a second season. Better luck next time, Tamera Mowry. In related news, Jackée Harry has been informed by her kid that her show, Jackée, Live!, will not be being performed in the living anymore. It's just too totally embarrassing for everyone. [THR]

The person I most want to meet before I die, Meryl Streep, will be honored yet again, this time by the Rome Film Festival. Italians will grin and puff cigarettes and clap a lot for the grand dame as they give her their funnily named Marcus Aurelius lifetime achievement prize. You'd think that getting the same kind of prize at the Coolidge Corner Theatre would be satisfaction enough in life (it should be! place is awesome!) but I guess it's not. [Variety]

Oh, that's nice. People are still giving 90's driftwood Stephen Dorff movie work. He'll play a "legendary" (read: old) porn star in that Adam Sandler-produced movie about a guy (Nick Swardson, he of the rollerskates on Reno: 911!) who finds out that his parents were in the adult (read: sweaty teen boy) film business. [Variety]

Remember when Robert Rodriguez was maybe going to be this bigtime director, this whiz-bang creative mastermind in the vein of his buddy Quentin Tarantino? Well, that never really panned out, and so he made Spy Kids and then that horrible Grindhouse installment (the thing about funny homages? They need to be funny), and now he's making a movie based on a fake trailer that aired during that schlockathon. Machete is about an ex-Federale who has a beef with the gubmint. Danny Trejo will probably not star in this one. Oh, and he's also doing a Predator reboot. So. [Variety]

Oh she must be hitting it big! The actually quite funny on SNL Michaela Watkins will be playing that coveted by comediennes best friend role in a romantic comedy. She'll buddy up to Jennifer Lopez (who's still making movies! good for her! A for effort!) in The Back-Up Plan, about a lady and a baby and sperm donoring or something. [THR]

Swoon. The ridiculously attractive (if charmingly pretentious) Joseph Gordon-Levitt has replaced the ludicrously attractive James Franco in Christopher Nolan's next film, Inception. Pic stars Leo DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard, and lesbian Hollywood's vice-president, Ellen Page. The funny thing is, I want him to get more famous? Because he's great? But also? I don't want him to? Because then my embarrassing crush will be shared by millions? I'm a sad person? [THR]

An entire batch of character file cards were obtained by HissTank.com, a Joe-devoted website whose URL looks very different without selective capitalization. The cards, whose photography and costumes suggest they were taken in a child's basement, reveal Gordon-Levitt (to our left as an origin story version of Cobra Commander), Christopher Eccleston (below, as a pre-masked Destro), and many, many more paycheck-seeking actors. We've included some of the corniest here; print them out, affix them to popsicle sticks, and then play your own game of Joe where the real battle is over whose quotes will be significantly lower after this film comes out in August.

• G.I. Joe Movie Rise Of Cobra File Cards Hi-Res Images [HisStank via /film]

It's after the jump:

• Politics Is BULLSH1T [YouTube]

· AMC series Breaking Bad, about what happens when Malcolm's father has to start manufacturing and dealing meth just to put food on Lois's table, gets a second-season pickup. [Variety]
· Oscars-host-montage snubbee Whoopi Goldberg will preside over the Tonys, as CBS attempts to break a broadcast world record by earning a Nielsen rating of "true zero," or not a single home viewer. Best of luck to them. [Variety]
· Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel have signed on for 500 Days of Summer, an "an anti-romantic comedy" from Fox Searchlight. We're looking forward to seeing these two get it on. [THR]