1) Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail — $16.5 million
Down a hearty 60% from last weekend, the film still held on against the 3D onslaught of crotchlight rays being shot out by the fertile, holly-scented loins of the brothers Jonas. This latest Madea iteration has stuffed a total $64.9 million into its hilariously oversized bra, becoming Perry's highest-grossing movie to date. Next week a bunch of spandex-clad superheroes with drinking problems ought to handily blue wang their way past the old lady.

2) Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience — $12.7 million
Though their marble-mouthed lady counterpart, Miley Cyrus, earned a cool $33 million outta the gate with her own 3D concert picture show, the floppy-topped young lads just couldn't deliver on the goods the same way. Perhaps dads were less willing to escort their daughters to this one? Perhaps little gay boys couldn't couch their desire to go in a "she's so hot" charade, so they decided to hole themselves up in their rooms for the weekend, furtively? The pic had the best per-screen average of any top 10 pic this weekend, but still there must be some explanation for this vague disappointment.

3) Slumdog Millionaire — $12.2 million
Buoyed by all its Oscars, the two-little-Indians-that-could movie chugs like an extremely crowded train toward the global $200 million mark. When that auspicious goal is reached, all the children will be given the opportunity to trade their new houses in for back-end deals on Boyle's next picture, Kalkotta Hope Dreamer.

4) Taken — $10 million
Liam Neeson continues to thunder-fist his way through Albanians' faces, and American cineplexes, as his actioner speeds past the $100-million mark. This is good news for similarly-brooding actor Gabriel Byrne, who can't wait for you to see his 2010 down-and-dirty thrill-ride, Aggressed Upon—about a former NSA agent who must rescue his teenage son, played by a whimpering Drake Bell, who's been kidnapped by evil Azerbaijani producers and forced to perform in a middling 3D concert.

8) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li — $4.7 million
I really didn't think that anyone remembered Street Fighter, that glorious old videogame about brawny international dudes—Ryu! Guile! M. Bison! Blanca!—and one lady battling out in, well, the streets. But I guess they sorta do, as this film about that one lady pocketed a not-so-bad little sack of dollars over the too-short weekend. I hope this means a new trend. 'Cause I would totally go see a ToeJam & Earl or Streets of Rage movie.

The Jonas Brothers have about as much in common with the Oscars as Joe Jonas has in common with being a gentleman. He claims that he wears a purity ring to remind him not to do anything that wouldn't make his mom proud. Just tell that to 25-second-phone call dumpee Taylor Swift.

Anne Hathaway dug deep in her interview to find a way to describe her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger. He was so ... uh ... what's the word...

Mickey Rourke stayed in Oscar campaign mode and opened up on just how fucking much he wants that goddamn Oscar tonight. And he promises not to sexually molest the golden bald man.

All Walters wants to ask your song-y dance-y Oscar host Hugh Jackman is whether he's gay. But with a montage of his Broadway work opening the segment, she totally stacks the deck against him.

Jackman is willing to do anything to convince her that he's totally into women.

1. Whatever musical-number scenario Hugh Jackman winds up dumped into must feature the USC marching band. Jennifer Hudson was lovely and dignified, and M.I.A.'s pregnancy made for an unprecedentedly skull-bending blast of awards-show history. But neither yielded the Oscar-ready, post-ironic showstopper accompanying Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood on "15 Steps" — just the 30-piece, drum-and-brass thing to back up those aboriginal wind-spirits in the evening's Best Song medley. By contrast...

2. Disinvite the Jonas Brothers. You can't revoke Stevie Wonder's lifetime Grammy exception for one skunky Autotune intro and his abetting in the destruction of "Superstition." But you can punish the Jonas Brothers for their pitchy, rapey "Burnin' Up" overture: Confiscate their awards-season passports, and detain them until at least a full day after the Oscars just to prevent any further talent-pairing misfortunes. Actually, make it indefinite, lest their plot against Baz Luhrmann is actually legit.

• The Grammys [CBS]

Looking to avoid a future of Rudy Giuliani stump-speeches cluttered with references to "never forgetting the nightmares of 1/1," the NYPD has begun making the appropriate preparations in anticipation of the hormone-tweaking musical phenomenon's New Year's Eve performance in Times Square:

The New York Police Department – which has heroically handled terrorist attacks, blackouts and riots without a whimper – is being cautious over the "mob scene" that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest on Wednesday night.

"So they're now planning on using extra [security] men for support," the source says. "It's going to be crazy because everyone will be in Times Square to watch them perform on the show."

Of course, no amount of training can really prepare the men in blue for the epic anarchy that follows these boys wherever they go. Don't be surprised if Altamont-style mayhem ensues, as one of the Hell's Angels security detail is stabbed repeatedly in the eyes with a barrette by a banshee tween who'd leaped onto their shoulders from the roof of a firetruck for a closer view of the stage.

• NYPD Fears Jonas Brothers 'Mob Scene' on New Year's [People]

However, after his erudite seduction technique was rebuffed by a comely New York Post source unsure of what "ablutions" were, Brand's affections returned to more familiar waters.

British comedian Russell Brand isn't done picking on the Jonas Brothers.

Who does he want to kiss on New Year's?

"I think all of the Jonas Brothers," he told Usmagazine.com at the Los Angeles premiere of Bedtime Stories on Thursday. "But very gently and consensually."

We have a feeling certain JoBros might return those kisses more consensually than others, but we ask that Brand not be deterred. Clever placement of the mistletoe and a subtle spiking of the tour bus egg nog could lead to a session of flat-ironing sexually charged enough to please even ardent fornication-prescriber Courtney Love.

• Russell Brand: I Want the Jonas Brothers to Be My New Year's Kiss! [Us]

Unlike so many other Hollywood stars, parents approve of these upstanding young men, who wear their good intentions right on their heads in the form of Purity Yarmulkes. Catch them next in The Emanuel Brothers: The 3-D Experience, the poster of which features the boys clutching Fendi bags on the steps of Air Force One as they jet off to play a command performance at President Elect Barack Obama's Inauguration. [Thanks to NOTFAIL blog for a Photoshop we really wish we'd thought of ourselves.]

• Previously: Rahm Emanuel Fun-Fact Addendum: Probably Loathes Andy Samberg [Defamer]

The title character in the "Walter the Farting Dog" books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

"By the time they've driven the dog home, everybody's head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie [aka the youngest, "bonus Jonas" brother], and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn't notice the stench coming from Walter," said [director] Peter Farrelly.

That the project has even found room for little Frankie Jonas—the Zeppo Marx to his trio of more famous siblings—suggests to us that the filmmakers see in this gaseous terrier story a definitive Jonas brothers franchise, with room for several sequels down the line incorporating other breeds and gastrointestinal problems. Still, we wonder how the band's core fanbase of hormonally charged young females will respond to the scatological material—though we suspect their fanatical preoccupation with anything Jonas-related will soon lead to the new teenybopper fad of toting a farting dog wherever they go, in a pungent effort at emulating their idols.

• Jonas Bros. whiff Fox's 'Farting Dog' [Variety]

Boomp3.com

The baristas (baristi?) at a Toluca Lake coffee shop reached their breaking point with frequent customer Miley Cyrus over the weekend. According to one barista who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Cyrus’ frequent abuse of the homey atmosphere of the store may lead to her permanent eviction. They said, “We don’t mind it when people come in and hang out. We encourage it, but you have to buy a drink first. It’s the unspoken rule. She usually doesn’t order a drink until after an hour or two of just hanging out.” Apparently, Cyrus was in the store on Sunday for over forty-five minutes before placing her order for a caramel mocchachino with skim. It was at that point that Steve, the manager, warned her that she had just gotten her second strike.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

i didnt go to the "VMAS" as we used to call them but theyve gotten so fucking Urban i dont know i guess Van Toffler thought ( hes an exec at MTV ) he was being edgy and he WAS by letting my darkling prince Brand host the mtv awards- but theyre not the "VMAS" and they never will be again - i had ZERO desire to watch let alone go and thats one of my very favourite people ive ever known or had the honour of being friends and fiends with hosting it so i feel horribly rude that my desire not to watch assholes with chastity rings- oh for fucks sake ive had some great conversations but not ONE has ever ended in an Orgasm, y'all need some pussy and some cock and shut the hell up-

..but fuck it, its irrelevant, i am DAMMIT CELEBRATORY- i love when a friend does well and Russell appears to have done quite well- ist not exactltya fucking rock fest at mtv its...... "date my mom" remember- and it will never revert back to reliably rock n roll- its just the economiclevel of thier decision marketing wise to "grow with thier audience"" aka save mass money on shows by just predating on peoples insane desire and frenzy to be on insanely dysfunction al reality shows for free.

Translation: Courtney Love has some quibbles with MTV (just like us!), though they're nothing that couldn't be fixed by a night at the downtown Standard, two of the three Jonases, a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, and a vial of ground rhino tusk. Should such a thing ever come to pass, we exhort you, MTV: play that video.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• How was Russell? [Myspace]

Boomp3.com

To help generate further internet excitement and mainstream media buzz, tween superstar Miley Cyrus and potential one hit wonder Katy Perry air kissed their way down the red carpet at the VMAs on Sunday afternoon. Cyrus' mother, Tricia, made sure that she oversaw the air kissing and light hand holding. Mrs. Cyrus said, "I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run into that Ronson chick or get too buck wild. She's already had two Rock Stars, I think that's where it's going to stop today. "

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

VIII. KNOW YOUR WAX REPLICAS FROM YOUR REAL JONASES

Who hasn't fantasized about the payday awaiting the first person to successfully clone the Jonases en masse, then sell the replicated musicians—either separately or as a set—to teenage fans, theirs to cycle through on an endless series of chaste fantasy dates. That technology is at least several years away, however, so we'll just have to settle for their wax likenesses, easy to tell apart from the real thing due to one telltale sign: The statues have the kind of shiny faces you might glimpse on actual teenagers, not the porcelain complexions gracing the world's dreamiest pop star family.

[Photo Credit: Jeffrey Snyder/Madame Tussauds Washington D.C.]

• Madame Tussauds

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.

My First Blog! Posted July 28th 2008 9:04AM by Big Rob
What's up everybody..my name is Robert Feggans but most people call me Big Rob.

Lately, my job description has grown a little bit as the boys asked me to rap on their single Burnin' Up. They also asked me to perform it each night which is an absolute rush. It's an honor to share the stage with these boys.

There is no room for error on the security side of things so I take my job very seriously. I love what I do and the people who surround me make it what it is.

We're heartened to learn firsthand that the Brothers saw in Rob not just a mobile bullet-absorption device, but a talent for spoken-word performance that would ultimately contribute some much-needed bodyguard-cred to their live act. With his tight flows about a life spent choking paps for pop stars on the hard streets of Robertson Blvd., there's no telling where their musical legacy might lead us, with their forthcoming LP "A Little Bit Longer" already being touted as "Sgt. Pepper's" for the post-tween undie-chewing generation.

• Big Rob Blog [RyanSeacrest.com]

boomp3.com


Die Hard star Bruce Willis attempted to spend a nice and relaxing holiday weekend with his daughters Scout LaRue and Tallulah Belle, but things turned south when Willis explained that he wasn't able to score the kids and their friend backstage passes for an upcoming Jonas Brothers concert. The daughters wondered why he wasn't able to get tickets for the show, then quickly asked if he tried hard enough to find tickets. Willis explained that he had all two of his assistants and two of his agent's assistants spend hours searching on the internet and placing phone calls, but their efforts failed to yield any results. Scout and Tallulah looked at each other and said, "Ashton could've gotten us tickets, Dad." Willis mumbled under his breath, then pretended to get a message on his Blackberry and explained that the throng of assistants had found of a block of tickets for a Jonas Brothers concert in Orange County. The Willis sisters said, "Eww, Orange County? I guess, but can we take a helicopter there?"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]