While Mad Men is a critical darling and its ratings are growing, it has never been a ratings bonanza for AMC and the pay is notoriously low. And after three seasons of being on "TV's best show," the siren song of more lucrative TV and movie roles may be irresistible. Plus, the way that series creator Matthew Weiner left things — Sterling Cooper as we knew it is dissolved, newly formed Sterling Cooper Draper Price may make it out of the Pierre Hotel, and Don's marriage is effectively over — almost any any character could be easily written out. So it would not be surprising if some of the regular characters disappear entirely from the show by next summer with nothing but a line of dialogue — "Oh, Peggy couldn't stand working next to Pete and Duck hired her after three weeks" — and a guest appearance or two.

Here your betting guide for who's coming back as a regular for Mad Men's fourth series, from most likely to call-your-agent.

Don Draper
Played By: Jon Hamm
Last We Saw Him: Lording over his new kingdom in a hotel room.
Why Stay: There wouldn't be a show without him.
Why Leave: After a great guest spot on 30 Rock, Hamm is getting more attention than anyone in the cast, for drama as well as comedy. He's also involved in several upcoming movies like Howl, The Town, and Sucker Punch.
Odds of Returning: 1: 1,000,000 (come on, there's no Mad Men without Don Draper)

Peggy Olsen
Played By: Elizabeth Moss
Last We Saw Her: Working for Don at the new firm.
Why Stay: She's a fan favorite with a great role and her character is on solid ground at the new firm.
Why Leave: To be a movie star! She's come a long way since her days on The West Wing. Between this an a well-regarded turn on Broadway opposite sushi-poisoned Jeremy Piven in Speed The Plow, now may be her time.
Odds of Returning: 1: 500

Roger Sterling
Played By: John Slattery
Last We Saw Him: Don's new best friend and business partner.
Why Stay: Roger gets all the ladies, funny lines, and best bits. Who doesn't want to play the scene stealer. Plus, Slattery and Hamm are besties.
Why Leave: There will be plenty of work for a veteran character actor like Slattery—work that probably pays a lot better.
Odds of Returning: 1:200

Pete Campbell
Played By: Vincent Kartheiser
Last We Saw Him: Don's new protege at the new firm.
Why Stay: He has a nice juicy, high-profile role that's far better than anything else he'll land.
Why Leave: He doesn't have a good reason.
Odds of Returning: 1: 100

Joan Holloway
Played By: Christina Hendricks
Last We Saw Her: The new office queen of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: Because if she doesn't, we will slit our wrists.
Why Leave: Holloway is a sexy lady who has been on the fringes of TV for awhile. She may see this as her break. She's in next winter movie Life as We Know It, and she has proven to have the looks and the talent to anchor a TV show of her own.
Odds of Returning: 1: 75

Trudy Campbell
Played By: Alison Brie
Last We Saw Him: Delivering a cake in a wonderful red bucket hat.
Why Stay: Who else is going to nudge Pete in the right direction. And we need someone to show off retro fashions.
Why Leave: This isn't the biggest role, unless she and Pete get an upgrade.
Odds of Returning: 1:50

Harry Crane
Played By: Rich Sommer
Last We Saw Her: Eating one of Trudy's sandwiches at Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: He was saved by this plot twist, which means the writers have something in store for him.
Why Leave: Harry never gets to do much of anything, not even supporting character zany. He may want to stretch his legs.
Odds of Returning: 1: 10

Betty Draper
Played By: January Jones
Last We Saw Her: On the plane to Reno to get a divorce from Don with her future ex-husband Henry.
Why Stay: Because it would be great fun to watch Betty get tortured some more.
Why Leave: She has every reason to leave. Betty's storyline is at an obvious stopping point, at least as featured character. January Jones has been making the PR push, putting her boobs on GQ, hosting Saturday Night Live, and attaching herself to a number of projects. She also has a part in the upcoming Pirate Radio, so it certainly looks like she's planning a busy schedule away from Mad Men
Odds of Returning: 1:5

Sally, Bobby, and Gene Draper
Played By: Kiernan Shipka, Jared Gilmore, some baby
Last We Saw Them: On the couch with Carla being dazed by the TV.
Why Stay: They're kids. What, would they rather go to like real school? Also, they're Don's kids. You can't just erase them.
Why Leave: Or can you? If Betty leaves for good (maybe she and Henry settle in Reno and open a casino?) the kids go with her. And Bachelor Don is going to have plenty of babes to play with.
Odds of Returning: 3:1

Ken Cosgrove
Played By: Aaron Staton
Last We Saw Him: Left at the former Sterling Cooper, but as head of accounts.
Why Stay: A steady job—albeit a small part and, hey, maybe the writers need a way to a character to demonstrate life inside soulless McCann-Erickson.
Why Leave: Staton would be bummed to be cut, but it'd be really easy for him to go off and finally become a novelist.
Odds of Returning: 5:1

Bert Cooper
Played By: Robert Morse
Last We Saw Him: Keeping the sofa warm at his newest ad agency.
Why Stay: As an older gentleman, just like Cooper, if Morse leaves, there isn't going to be much work for him elsewhere. At least not with this high a profile.
Why Leave: He may not have a choice. Cooper doesn't do all that much, and when they need a big shock, it will be easy to give him a stroke/heart attack/Japanese armor accident at any time.
Odds of Returning: 10:1

Paul Kinsey
Played By: Michael Gladis
Last We Saw Him: Wishing Don had taken him instead of Peggy.
Why Stay: There's not much else for him on the horizon.
Why Leave: We have a feeling he doesn't want to, but if we're looking to streamline the cast, his peripheral character is an easy cut.
Odds of Returning: 75: 1

Sal Romano
Played By: Brian Batt
Last We Saw Him: Calling his wife from a pay phone before cruising the after he was fired from Sterling Cooper.
Why Stay: Well, he is effectively gone, but the way his storyline ended, he always seemed like he'd be back for more. Plus his "gay in the closet" storyline has tons of ways it could play out and lots of modern day implications.
Why Leave: He is already gone. Don could rehire him, but their main client is American Tobacco, the company that had him fired in the first place, so that seems about as likely as a Judy Garland Resurrection Tour.
Odds of Returning: 100 : 1 (but we really want him back!)

Don will hear a familiar canine whimper during a smoke break. Is it— could it be— Chauncey?


Betty will stand by her (super) Man.


The Sterling Cooper gang will prepare for their network-synergy dance-off with the cast of Breaking Bad.


These men will be old.


Peggy will be smug.


Betty will become disillusioned with material possessions.


Really disillusioned.


Like, "Who am I, really, inside?" disillusioned.


Joan will wonder why all the good-looking men are either married or rapists.


Sal will wish he could just find the right lady to settle down with.


The guys will prepare for their skill-matched dance-off with the cast of The Big Bang Theory.


And, finally, an actual spoilery-type-thing: Don and Sal will have dinner with stewardesses (for Don) and a pilot (for Sal)!

Of course, you're just looking at pictures. So there'll be none of that under-the-dinner-table footsie, followed by wine-twinged strolls in the sand, followed by darkened bedroom murmurs. Nope! None of that. You're at work, surrounded by jerks, pretending. Happy boozy Tuesdee.

Richard LaGravenese, stalwart screenwriter who recently directed P.S. I Love You, has landed another helming gig. He'll both direct and write a romaaanncceeee called Man and Wife. Here's hoping there will be some sort of empowering karaoke or montage moment. [Variety]

Jon Hamm has signed on to star opposite Ben Affleck in a "romantic crime thriller" called The Town, which Affleck is also directing. No, sadly, Hamm and Affleck will not be romancing each other. Rebecca Hall, so lively and smart in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, will play the lady. Nuts. [THR]

Quietly masterful director Richard Linklater looks to have lined up his next project. He'll make Liars (A-E) for Scott Rudin and Miramax. The movie is about a lady on her way to the Obama inauguration who revisits old boyfriends on the way. So it's sort of like Broken Flowers, only instead of ending with a weary middle-aged man standing in a rainy intersection, bereft and alone, it'll end with Hope. [Variety]

Wes Anderson will unveil his latest work, a stop-motion animation movie based on Roald Dahl's The Fantastic Mr. Fox, will premiere at the London Film Festival. The movie sports voice work provided by small-time slouches like George Clooney, Meryl Streep, and Bill Murray. I really hope it's wonderful. [Variety]

Alcon has paid high six figures for Prisoners, a thriller spec about a man who goes vigilante and locks a dude in his basement. Awhile back Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale had been attached to star (Wahlberg as the vigilante, Bale as a policeman investigating the incident), but now they're no longer aboard. Hopefully this will free Bale up to do a damn comedy, because... dag. [THR]

Hm. Josh Radnor, somewhat irksome star of How I Met Your Mother (about five young adults in New York tryin' to make their way), will make his film debut with HappyThankYouMorePlease, about six young adults in New York tryin' to make their way. Somehow he landed a pretty nice cast: Zoe Kazan, Kate Mara, Richard Jenkins (who will not play a young adult, I'm guessing), and Liev's theatre-lovin' younger brother Pablo Schreiber. [Variety]

Oh look. They're going to make a movie version of Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH. Well, they already made a version in the early 80s, but this will be bigger budget and fancy and all that! And probably done with computertrons. In other news, you no longer have a childhood. [THR]

Tell your little sister (or creepy older brother) to sit down and take deep breaths. Because her (or his) favorite show, ABC's gymnastics deep-dive Make It Or Break It, has been renewed for another 10 episodes. Because it's a hit! [Variety]

Like the Kodak pitch didn't you come away from that thinking, "I need this Kodak film carousel to display pictures of my pristine family or else I'm denying them my affection." All of the fictional (and sometimes real) products that made their way into Don's pitch room have been marketed as though they extensions of one's personality. Be it a can of shaving cream or a cup of coffee, each product says something about you that you want people to know.

That's why reading this piece in the New Yorker about a Mad Men ad meeting is cringe-inducing.

Alison Hoffman, the marketing director, described a Web-site promotion that will allow users to create their own "Mad Men" avatars, choosing among different ties, pipes, crinolines, and pearls.

"We're still adding accessories," she said.

"We need more purses!" someone suggested.

Next, Theresa Beyer, the vice-president of activation (another thing that didn't exist in the sixties), outlined a tie-in with Banana Republic, including a contest for a walk-on role. "Banana Republic has really taken this promotion to the nth degree," she said. Then she announced an activation coup: the Mets had just agreed to designate a "Mad Men" seating section at one of their games.

"Get out of here!" Theano Apostolou, the head of publicity, said.

"The exciting thing is everyone in our section is going to have a fedora," Beyer went on. "Of course, the band around it will have to be Mets colors." The marketers cooed: happiness.

Unhappiness! Mets seats? Ugh! Are we also to expect another long caravan of subways shrink-wrapped in an eye-assaulting Sterling Cooper theme? It's embarrassing to step into a train car that's been hijacked by advertisers. Train passengers will keep their eyes on their shoes generally, unless they be thought of as saps. So how well will sitting in a cramped plastic chair with a giant Don Draper silhouette at the Mets game evoke the themes of necessity, luxury, or personality? You can't just slap a logo on something and call it a "branding exercise ."

Thankfully though, the ladies are onto something with the clothes and the avatars. Those are direct extensions of our personalities. Things we want but are convinced we need and Mad Men can give them to us. Indeed, if there's activity that takes more time than putting an outfit together it's the agonizing amount of time I spend looking for the right avatar. Recently, I settled for nice cropped picture of a fictional red head named Joan Holloway.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince grossed a magical $58.4 million. It pulled in $22.2 million in midnight shows. Can some one talk to J.K. Rowling about giving America an loan? [ Variety ]

Right now, with it being the End of Days and all, what would you do with $240 million dollars? Finance a James Cameron 3D movie about a band of humans pitted against a distant planet's indigenous population? OBVIOUSLY! [LAT]

Tyler Perry makes Forbes' list of 2008's highest-paid men in Hollywood. The children of Israel round out the list. So they control the movies and the banks! How do they do it?[/Film]

Fox's telecast All-Star Game delivered an average audience of 14.6 million viewers, making it the most-watched midsummer classic since 2002 — even without Jon Hamm's sexy hands gripping a bat. [THR]

Nick Hornby's An Education has gotten some pretty rave reviews. It looks to be poised as a real Oscar contender. The trailer, filled with British accents, does like pretty titillating. [Variety ]

Is there any one who could possibly meet our nation's most pressing demand? Is there any one out there who can just make us feel good again?

Yes! His name is Jon Hamm you may recognize from the the trillion of subway ads you've been seeing. Bless the thoughtful souls of AMC marketing who are revving up their full throttle promotion for Mad Men's third season premiere (only 33 more days!) Not only are they clearing the fetid air with Hamm's scent of masculine perfection (Sandalwood? Coolwater?) but they're trying to stimulate our economy!

First to the retailers! Banana Republic will be premiering a line of " 'Mad Men' Inspired clothes line. Think sharp suits, wide skirts and scotch-guarded collars to protect from the lip stains left by lonesome hussies. Do you think BR will sell Jon Hamm's undershirts as novelty items? Do you think I can get one? Do you think Jon Hamm reads Gawker? Does he know I'M SINGLE?

Next up, the print business! Variety invites you to 'Relive the 1960's' . Sponsored by Mad Men, the trade has scanned and archived some of the big Hollywood headlines from The Old time. Ah, remember the the Old Time? When men like Don Draper could buy a car, a house, an apartment for his mistress without fear of mortgage meltdown and a Jackson family reality TV show?

But it doesn't stop there! No, Jon Hamm is even reviving the integrity of American Baseball! No more of this beefy divas dopped up on goofballs! No! Just a man with a strong jaw, a firm set of hands, a numbing sense of alienation and despair brought on by the post-war paradigm, and a basic cable show, playing some ball. Ladies and gentlemen: JON MOTHERFUCKIN' HAMM.

Video via Hamm Enthuiast and all around great gal Lindsay Robertson.

You might not be as excited for Glee as we are, but you must still care that the Fox show about a high school glee club will be given one airing during May sweeps, then disappear until the fall. They're premiering a fall show in May! It's so crazy it just might work! [Variety]

Maria Bello has become an HR director. Hah, no, her career wasn't that tarnished by The Mummy 3: Curse of the Chinese People. She's playing an HR drone in The Company Men, that John Wells movie about corporate downsizing. She has to fire Ben Affleck. No, not for Reindeer Games! It's all pretend! [Variety]

No one understands quiet lives of mid-century American decay quite like the British. Their BAFTA TV awards have bestowed the top international show title upon Mad Men, which beat out shows about murderous, sun-splashed American depravity and indifference (Dexter), shows about flowers that poke through the many cracks of late-century urban America (The Wire), and shows about how America is basically just a big funny, fucked-up, intractable joke (The Daily Show). Obama! Or something! [Variety]

Hang your head. The upcoming video game movie Bioshock has been delayed over budget concerns. [Variety]

Tribeca has its first big sales breakout, and it's from the world of theater. Playwright Conor McPherson's ghost-tinged Irish drama The Eclipse had buyers interested over the weekend. Submarine Entertainment likely snapped up the film, which stars Aidan Quinn, Ciaran Hinds (who can do anything, really), and Iben Hjejle (High Fidelity). [THR]

Aha. Crackle-pop actor Timothy Olyphant has landed the lead in an FX pilot based on a short story by cracklingly good crime writer Elmore Leonard (Get Shorty, Rum Punch, Maximum Bob, ohh... dammit just read it all.) He'll play US Marshall Raylan Givens for creator/producer Graham Yost, who's done good work with Band of Brothers, Boomtown, and (I'm assuming) the upcoming The Pacific. Exciting news. [THR]

Speaking of Mad Men, Jon Hamm and his ladyfriend, actress Jennifer Westfeldt, have started a production hut called Points West Pictures. They have three pictures in development so far, one of which is about gay people and the Christians who hate them. So, oh nice. A production company, together! Look how well that worked out for Jen and Brad and Plan B! [THR]

· You know when someone does a funny bit, and then goes on with it so long it ceases to be funny, then continues until it actually becomes funny again? This Jimmy Fallon parody of the Christian Bale rant is exactly like that, minus the first and last parts.
· The AP is suing HOPE poster dude/Coachella performer/shamelessly longwinded self-promoter Shepard Fairey for using their image without credit or prior permission. Tell Losanjealous how you feel about that in their poll on the matter. (We're firmly Team I totally blame Coldplay!)
· Chewbacca is a gigantic Veronica Mars fan. Don't get him started!
· Michael Phelps has been dumped by Kellogg's over his bong photo, yes. What's more, a 25-year-old Japanese sumo wrestler named Wakakirin was banned from the sport for a weed arrest. When will this insanity stop? Snowboarders—we need your guidance, now more than ever.

Hamm's dreamy and everything, but we'd like to know a little bit more about this Oswald character—the one from the basement, with access to all the building's nails. Possible Jenna love interest? We'll have to stay tuned and see!

• 30 Rock Preview: Tina Fey Meets Jon Hamm [Videogum]

· In other TSA news, Johnny Knoxville was stopped at LAX after security found a...drumroll...grenade in his carry-on bag. After Knoxville explained that it was a completely harmless shell that he meant to later shove up his ass in Jackass 3, they apologized and he made his flight.
· Yes, it's true. Steve Carell bought the Marshfield General Store on Massachusetts' south shore, where you can stock up on pennywhistles and moonpies before your carp-fishing expedition.
· After the success of The Tonight Show's last celebrity-DNA-gathering foray, the show dispatched intern Ross to the Golden Globes to collect more biological matter. We'd say a serviette soaked in Susan Sarandon's boob sweat is a priceless commodity, wouldn't you?
· Jon Hamm fans: Your Don Draper-doing-you-on-a-desk fantasies will probably not be enhanced by the image of him scootin' around town on a homemade Rascal, nor the one of him whispering sweet nothings into Tina Fey's ear.

See ya on the slopes!

"It never looks good," Hamm admits. "It's a pain." Well it certainly pains us to see it so lank and limp. Do you overcondition, Jon? Under shampoo? Is it dyed? So many questions.

The bangs! The bangs are not right. Sure, they're sort of reminiscent of someone from a different era. But not the right person. Or era.

Egads. Hamm says he's always worn his hair long, but had to cut it for Mad Men, in which — for the uninitiated — he plays a 1960s ad exec. Apparently the stylists on the show use hairspray and blow dryers for the "hard shell" on Don Draper's head, which Hamm says has come in handy: "I've had a piece of the set fall on my head and my hair didn't move. I had seven stitches in my head and my hair didn't move. That's impressive." Not impressive? These Davy Jones-ian wisps. The GF looks amazing, though!

Weed whacker. That is the only plausible explanation. He cut his hair with a weed whacker.

That sound you just heard was a million ladyboners withering. Libido levels fall down go boom.

Behold: Jon Hamm gives up. Without the talented hairstylists from Mad Men, he has no clue what to do with the testy tresses that top his head.


Unfortunately, Don Draper's hair — and the AMC series — is still in peril: The network still doesn't have a deal with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner to make more episodes. "We can't do the show without Matthew," Hamm tells Fox 411's Roger Friedman. "Of course, you 'can' do it, but you know you can't."

'Mad Men' Star's Hair Is 'Bane Of My Existence' [CNN]
'Mad Men' On Thin Ice? [Fox 411]
Earlier: Don Draper Steps Out Of Time Machine
Related: The 8 Worst Hairdos A Man Can Have

[Lead image AMC/Splashpic; gallery images via Getty.]

• SNL [NBC]

Boomp3.com

The creative and sales departments of popular fictitious advertising agency Sterling Cooper hit the back 9 for a lil’ company retreat on Monday afternoon. The typically Mad Men became a group of Mellow Men despite going over—very over—par on their outing. The usually dapper Don Draper enjoyed a relaxed look. Draper said, “No one bothered us. No one asked me for advice or to come home with them. It was refreshing.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - James Spader
Breaking Bad - Bryan Cranston
Dexter - Michael C. Hall
House - Hugh Laurie
In Treatment - Gabriel Byrne
Mad Men - Jon Hamm

Don't even bother, House fans. Though Hugh Laurie turned in the compelling, two-hour season finale as his submission, Emmy voters love three-time winner James Spader, and his submission (which finds him passionately arguing a case before the Supreme Court) provides Spader with his biggest tour-de-force yet. If he's ever to lose, it won't be this year.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters - Sally Field
The Closer - Kyra Sedgwick
Damages - Glenn Close
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Mariska Hargitay
Saving Grace - Holly Hunter

A toss-up! In a category filled with film refugees deigning to do TV (which Emmy loves), Sally Field won last year and notoriously gave a bleeped speech that will only solidify her as the incumbent in voters' memories. Her biggest threat is the cool, nefarious Close, but we'll side with inertia and predict Field as the winner once more.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - William Shatner
Damages - Ted Danson
Damages - Zeljko Ivanek
Lost - Michael Emerson
Mad Men - John Slattery

All but two of the nominees are newcomers to this category, and last year's winner Terry O'Quinn is nowhere to be found. We think voters will reward his co-star, Lost MVP Michael Emerson, whose blockbuster episode submission included horse-riding, piano playing, action scenes, foreign languages, and a juicy scene grieving the death of his daughter. Plus, Emerson is no Emmy novice: he won the award in 2001 for guest-starring on The Practice.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - Candice Bergen
Brothers & Sisters - Rachel Griffiths
Grey's Anatomy - Sandra Oh
Grey's Anatomy - Chandra Wilson
In Treatment - Dianne Wiest

If the category seems oddly mild this year, it's because of 2007 winner Katherine Heigl's infamous decision to pull her name out of consideration. As a reward to the co-stars who bit their lips and suffered in silence, we expect either Oh or Wilson to pull through as the winner, with a slight edge to Oh (after all, she once had to deal with Isaiah Washington, too).

Outstanding Drama Series
Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

For party crashers Damages and Dexter, it's an honor just to be nominated. Like them, Mad Men is little-seen, but the difference is that it's watched by all the right people (and heavily appeals to older Emmy voters), so we expect a first-season surge to victory. What Would Don Draper Do if he had to go home empty-handed?

This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 4

· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen.

· Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR.

· I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 6

· Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 7

· Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction?

· ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen.

MONDAY, SEPT. 8

· I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner!

TUESDAY, SEPT. 9

· Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that.

· St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10

· Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup.

Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 11

· One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying.

· MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 14

· Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched.

· The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all.

MONDAY, SEPT. 15

· Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 16

· So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them.

So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection.

After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident."

At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.

She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.

I hate humanity.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

· Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her.

TODAY

· LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.

In this clip cut together by our very own Molly McAleer, you'll see two sides of the very same story coming together and then exploding before your very eyes. Here's a quick primer. You see, Mr. Don Draper himself, Jon Hamm, appeared on the Live With Regis And Kelly show on Thursday morning. Little did he know, both Regis and his wife are huge fans of the show Mad Men. They're such big fans, in fact, that the 77-year-old Regis thought it would be fun to spend a little time after the show with Hamm, going as far as to invite him over to the Philbin's apartment. Being the good sport that he is, Hamm agreed to hang with Reege and Joy for a few hours, posing for pictures and making small talk until other obligations rescued him from what was undoubtedly an awkward situation.

Up until this point, it was a win/win for all parties involved. Hamm endeared himself to a showbiz legend and Reege got to hang with an actor who likely reminds him of his 1960s glory days. (As you'll see in the clip above, Regis is still beaming four days later.) However, Hamm submarined himself by being unable to hold his tongue about how he really felt about spending time with the Philbins when he came on Kimmel's show on Friday night. Rather than save the story of Regis' wacky behavior for the afterparty in the green room of the El Capitan, he made the cardinal mistake of derisively referring to one of Hollywood's most endearing and popular fixtures as "an elfin force of nature" and a "crazy showbiz guy." Boo!

Jon, we know your intentions were in the right place. You were on your friend's show, you had a great story and you just wanted to make the audience laugh. However, poking fun at a beloved institution like Regis is miles apart from poking fun at a tired old windbag like, say, Larry King. Save the barbs about how "crazy" Regis is for when you're kicking back with a few beers at your buddy Kimmel's house, versus sitting on his chair with cameras trained on you and millions thousands of people watching. If you want your career to have legs, that's a lesson you'll want to learn sooner rather than later.

• Jimmy Kimmel Live! [ABC]
• Live With Regis And Kelly [Buena Vista]