Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

We've seen this sort of behavior before, most notably with people like Jude Law and Colin Farrell, guys who were made into leading men before they had time to prove that they had the chops for such a responsibility. Let lessons be learned from the past and let's put Butler on probation.

Why does this misbehaving star deserve to be grounded? Well, after some early success in a Tomb Raider movie and the title role in the abysmal film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, Butler and his abs starred in the surprise hit 300, grossing half a billion worldwide and making a legion of fanboys, ladies, and gay men very happy in the process. Because of this crossover appeal, his handlers thought that he could simultaneously dabble in both action and romantic comedy. That could be true, but he hasn't bothered to be in a good movie since 300. Crappy movies are crappy in any genre.

With P.S. I Love You and The Ugly Truth, his rom-coms with Hilary Swank and Katherine Heigl respectively, were both box office flops and critical duds. Gamer, released last month to deafening silence, has barely made a mark and struggled to get past the $20 million mark. It has been a series of missteps for this Scotsman. Citizen, which costars Jamie Foxx, had a good showing at the box office, but critics lit into it, which means that it probably won't rally much more in coming weeks.

While not as bad as Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr or professional bad decision makers Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Butler is headed down that path if we don't intervene. If he can't pull out a decent project or two then he will be banned from all movies, tabloids, red carpet affairs, awards ceremonies, and celebrity relationships. If he can stay out of the press for three years, he may be rewarded with the starring role on a CBS procedural. This is your punishment Butler, so you better shape up.

Next year's Jennifer Aniston comedy The Bounty could go either way. Aniston was in The Break Up, the best romantic comedy of the decade, but the quality probably had more to do with the writing and direction than her abilities. It better work out, because if not, Butler is well on his way to being an over-valued, over-paid star who can't open anything bigger than a cereal box. If it does, along with maybe a prestige picture or a great cameo in a smaller film, then we will reinstate him into our good grace. Until them, he's in a professional time out.

[Image via Getty]

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

On Saturday, the Daily Mail speculated at length that Travolta was on the verge of bolting the cult, citing his despodency over the death of his son Jett, whose autism reportedly went untreated on account of how Scientology doesn't believe in autism. The first glimpse of daylight between Travolta, who has reportedly funded the church to the tune of millions, and Scientology came last month when details of a Bahamian police report emerged in which Travolta acknowledged that Jett "suffered from a seizure disorder and was autistic."

But yesterday Travolta's rep told E!Online that the Daily Mail report was "totally false":

"There's no change in the relationship between the Church of Scientology and John," Paul Bloch told E! News. "He is a member and it's as it was, now and forever."

And in Scientology, forever means, like, forever.

But, as another E!Online story notes, Scientology has a way of holding sway over some celebrity adherents even after they've decided they don't want to play anymore: The cult's "auditing" process involves extracting confessions of all manner of "deviant" behavior, from financial misdeeds to sexual histories, and storing the data in the church's archives. If a wavering member, say, didn't want anybody to know that he's had sex with men, the church would have a fairly good chance of convincing him not to, in Scientology parlance, "blow."

According to the Daily Mail - who rounded up some interesting quotes on the matter - it appears to be a very real possibility. To say Travolta's had a rough go of it recently would be putting it very, very lightly.

On the business side of things, Travolta's big role this year performed under studio expectations. A complete aside, when you consider his personal life:

His son Jett - reportedly autistic, a diagnosis the Church of Scientology refuses to dignify - passed away earlier this year. Travolta defied Scientology and acknowledged it. Some sleazy gossip website put together a theory that enlists the idea of Travolta not only having a gay lover, but the gay lover - his son's nanny - being a primary cause of his son's death. Which is besides the fact that someone tried to extort him over documents involved in his son's transportation, and his wife might've tried (successfully) to get Roger Friedman fired by going to the top brass at Fox over Friedman's comments on Scientology.

All of this gives the Daily Mail's report some ground to walk on, when they note:

His distress, say sources close to him, has been compounded by the first cracks in his 34-year relationship with the Church of Scientology, the cult-like religion of which Travolta is a prominent and generous benefactor. And there are dark mutterings that if he carries out private threats to leave, the organisation will go public with embarrassing details of his private life, including, it is claimed, allegations of past homosexual relationships. Sources in the U.S. disclosed to me this week that his son's sudden death has 'deeply shaken' Travolta's faith in the strange sect, which makes wild claims about its ability to cure a variety of physical and mental disorders.

There's more talk of Travolta taking late night drives by himself, and being in a "state of constant distress." There's the very evident weight Travolta's gained. There's the memory of Scientology's scary-ass leader David Miscavage slagging on Travolta's sexuality:

Earlier, the prestigious Time magazine also reported allegations made by Richard Aznaran, the former security head of Scientology, that the Church's leader, David Miscavige, had repeatedly joked about Travolta's 'promiscuous homosexual behaviour'.

And then there's the fact that Scientology has a well known history of intimidation of the physical and emotional stripe. This goes without saying, but: Travolta's donated millions of dollars, and what could only be thousands of hours to the church throughout his life. Shit, he made Battlefield Earth.

For a celebrity of Travolta's stature to renounce Scientology would be massive, for both parties. Even rumors of Travolta's potential departure from the religion are pretty damning. Granted, it'll be a difficult path if he chooses to take it - the resistance he'll encounter from the highest levels of the religion are potentially fiscally, emotionally, and physically dangerous to his livelihood - but one that could shake Scientology to its absolute core.

Is John Travolta cracking up? [Daily Mail]

1) The Hangover — $33.4 million
Dude. Proving that word-of-mouth is more powerful movie mojo than any marketing trick, tool, or stratagem combined, this $35 million film has earned three times that much in just two weeks. Dropping only about 25% from last weekend's debut barnstorm, this thing is likely to keep going and going and going until it's earned over $200 million and everyone is fattened and wealthy and, yes, drunk. Would you have ever guessed that Heather Graham would be back in the top spot again? Or that Rachel Harris would ever be there for the first time? Or Mike Tyson? This is the stuff of comedy weirdo dreams and, oh lord yes, you can expect a long string of knock-offs. The K-Hole starring Breckin Meyer, anyone?

2) Up — $30.5 million
Lordy, this one can't be stopped either. Pic's already hauled in nearly $190 million, and it hasn't even opened overseas yet. Pixar has a proud history of stomping the international yard, and this flick ought to be no exception. Unless they can't get a good foreign guy to do a decent Ed Asner impression. Because that's really key. Also, Belgian people just don't like balloons. Don't ask them why. They just don't like 'em. And we all know how much the Japanese hate fat boy scouts. A lot.

3) The Taking of Pelham 123 — $25 million
Am I an idiot that I can't figure out just what the fuck subway car the thing is supposed to be? Is it on the 123 line? It doesn't look like it in the trailers. Maybe everyone else was confused too, because this movie just didn't open the way people had hoped it would. And it actually got some decent reviews. I guess the lesson is this: Denzel opens well in the spring or fall or winter, when he doesn't have slobby belching comedians and magic houses to contend with. And John Travolta? Well, I fear the era of John Travolta may have been mortally wounded around the time of Battlefield Earth and never quite recovered. That was when he finally teetered over the brink from kinda unhinged in a cool way (so great in Face/Off!) to just fucking weird and indulgent and completely unhinged in unpleasant way. That said, Old Dogs will do a billion dollars when it opens.

5) Land of the Lost — $9.6 million
Yeesh. This thing is basically dead now. With only some $35 million earned so far, the hundred-million-dollar movie will have to go big overseas (it won't—ferners don't really get our funny stuff) or do crazy on DVD (it won't—people will forget it even exists) to make any sorta profit. So, sad for everyone, but hopefully at least one good thing will come out of this. One hopes that the hideous trend that began maybe fifteen years ago of people looking at kitschy old TV shows and making movies out of them will end. I mean, yeah, The Brady Bunch Movie was kind of funny and... um... wait is that it? What am I forgetting? Lost in Space: Unbelievable trainwreck. Beverly Hillbillies: Un-fucking-watchable. Bewitched: Will, why? Starsky & Hutch: Maybe one funny joke. Miami Vice: Maybe sorta interesting, maybe also extremely boring. Basically what we're saying is: You sure you wanna do this, people producing The A Team?

6) Imagine That — $5.7 million
Buried by an almost completely-silent marketing campaign and then a raft of shitty reviews, the latest Eddie Murphy flop isn't even surprising. During his brief regaining of the BO crown—around the Nutty Professor/Dr. Doolittle age—Murphy's blend of crazy! and family seemed unstoppable. Now it's... entirely stoppable. Like less than $2,000 per screen on an opening weekend stoppable. I guess you have to respect Murphy for keepin' on plugging away. Maybe for every Imagine That or Meet Dave or Norbit there's also a... disappointing Oscar lose for Dreamgirls. Hey, at least you have The Incredible Shrinking Man and Beverly Hills Cop IV to look forward to, Eddie! At least there's... that.

The report was obtained by the National Enquirer. Travolta's use of the term "autistic" seems to be a break from church doctrine, which teaches that pyschiatric diagnoses are fake ailments invented by Nazi psychiatrists so they can give people drugs to keep them from realizing their true potential of controlling the physical world with their minds.

Prior to Jett's death, his mother Kelly Preston attributed his problems to a rare disorder called Kawasaki disease and to "environmental toxins" from carpet-cleaners. She claimed that a Scientological detoxification regime had helped to ease his symptoms.

After Jett's death, Scientology representatives denied that the church has taken a stance on autism, saying, "It's medicine. The church deals with the spirit. If people have a medical problem or a physical ailment, they go to a doctor. It's church policy that they do so and they get that addressed." But autism is a psychiatric disorder described in DSM-IV, psychiatry's diagnostic bible. While a case could be made that Travolta was only using the term generally, to describe a disorder with physical roots that he thought could be explained, Scientology-style, by toxins, it's certainly unusual for a high-profile representative of the church to use the word.

With the tighter confines of a New York City subway car to contain him, Travolta has downgraded his Parisian bazooka for a more conveniently terrorizing handgun. And as the heavily tattooed hijacker to Denzel Washington's transit worker-turned-crisis negotiator, he's surrendered the adorable leather-daddy exterior we had hoped he'd maintain for at least a few more roles. Alas, the savagery is complete. As for the rest, we're still not convinced the 1974 original required a visit from the End of Ideas fairy, but who can say really say no to Tony Scott? Oh. Well, give it a look anyway.

• 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' [YouTube]

From E Online:

Senior Assistant Commissioner of Police Marvin Dames tells the Bahamas' Nassau Guardian that a document believed to be at the center of the case is a "refusal to transport" form, which is signed by a party "when refusing, for example, emergency medical services from trained personnel" in cases of minor injury and releases the paramedics from liability.

TMZ reports that "sources connected with the investigation tell us John Travolta told EMT workers he wanted to fly his son to Florida rather than drive by ambulance to the hospital....which was 45 minutes away."

Meanwhile, the cadre of baddies behind the plot—Mama Fratelli ringleader Sen. Pleasant Bridgewater and Sloth-like paramedic Tarino Lightbourne (former tourism minister Obie Wilchcombe has been cleared, but still seems slimy)—faced a judge today and were released on bail.

• Jett's Ambulance Ride at Center of Alleged Travolta Extortion Plot [E Online]
• Details in Mystery Travolta Extortion Doc [TMZ]

They then updated the story to say it involved "circumstances surrounding Jett's death," and that Travolta's reps contacted the authorities. Now they're reporting that Obie Wilchcombe—a sleazy Travolta family friend who used to be the Minister of Tourism—was arrested along with two others for his involvement in the crime. Wilchcombe was on Larry King Live discussing Jett's death recently, and just yesterday delivered this statement on the extortionists: "I thought it was a despicable act. One person should not destroy the character of the country." With the slow wheels of Bahamian justice clanking into action, we're sure it will only be a matter of a year or two before the extent of this corruption is fully revealed, and the country rebrands its tourism campaign to the welcoming, "Come to the Bahamas—where you'll never be asked to pay hush money regarding your tragic loss!"

• Travolta Friend, 2 Others Arrested in Extortion Plot [TMZ]

Cognizant of the fact that they had landed a big fish, the ladies of The View were respectful to a fault today (even Barbara Walters!), though Elisabeth prefaced each and every question to Cruise with such slobbering, near-sexual praise you would have thought they'd dug up Ronald Reagan. Finally, forty minutes into the show, Walters brought her tear-inducing powers out of retirement and brought up the younger Travolta's death, quizzing Cruise on whether Scientologists actually eschew medicine. "It's actually the opposite," Cruise said, sketching out a scenario where church higher-ups tell Scientologists to go get their afflictions "handled." Consider that charge vaguely cleared up, then! Lisa Marie, your services are no longer necessary.

• The View [ABC]

The constantly changing versions of the events surrounding Jett's death have gripped the public's imagination because it is so congruent with the story of his father's life. John Travolta would have us believe that he is normal; that he is not a member of a crazy cult; and that he is straight. At least two of those things are false.

Let's count the inconsistencies, which extend back long before Jett's tragic passing:

• Jett's parents, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, adherents of Scientology, have long maintained that Jett suffered from Kawasaki disease, an immune disorder which causes inflammation of blood vessels. But Kawasaki disease is not linked to seizures, according to medical experts.
• When they weren't blaming Kawasaki disease, they publicly maintained Jett's health was fine, even though many in Hollywood believed Jett suffered from autism. And suddenly, after his death, we learn that Jett wasn't fine; rather, he was constantly supervised by two nannies and a baby monitor.
• Autism would explain Jett's disturbingly affectless appearance in public; about a third of people with autism also suffer seizures. Travolta and Preston are followers of Scientology, which believes conditions like autism are all in the victim's head — that they are "degraded beings" requiring "purification." Preston has said in the past that Jett underwent a Scientology purification, which reportedly involves high doses of niacin.
• Police in the Bahamas said Jett, who was found unconscious late on New Year's Day in his parents' condo and died at a hospital shortly afterward, had struck his head, and reported blood on the scene. The nanny who found him, Jeff Kathrein, a Scientologist wedding photographer hired by Jett's parents, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, was once spotted in an intimate kiss with Jett's father. Police said Jett was alone for hours, after last being seen the evening of January 1; a family lawyer maintained that Kathrein, who slept eight feet away from Jett, found him almost right away.
• A funeral director hired by the family said there was no sign of a bruise and that Jett's body "looked great." The cause of death on Jett's death certificate was listed simply as a seizure.
• Two chartered planes and a police hearse, ostensibly carrying Jett's remains, waited on the tarmac Monday, as Bahamian police blocked access. It was a ruse: Jett's body was being cremated at the time, and the family planned to fly his ashes back to Florida on Tuesday.

Jett, in reality, had a rounder face. But so what? The need to airbrush away Jett's chin is the perfect metaphor for the pathetic misdirections and deceptions the Travoltas have engaged in. What they're covering up is not worth covering up. This is not some grand crusade for the truth — which in the end is the simple and tragic tale of a teen boy dying too young. The lies, big and small, that Travolta tells aren't for Jett. They're for him to maintain his fake public image. He asks us, out of politeness or gullibility, to swallow it whole.

Yes, everyone wants to let the family grieve. Let them grieve — but Jett Travolta is the only one who should lie in peace.

Employing a creative, whimsical use of apostrophes and spaces, Presley asserts that uninformed observers (most likely psychiatrists or tax collectors) shouldn't use the younger Travolta's death as an opportunity to bash the church:

Folks, as popular as it has been to discriminate and ridicule Scientology and Scientologist's in the recent past , Now is NOT the time.

I realize that there is a lot of mis information out there about the subject which has caused a lot of stone throwing but we are not still in the dark ages and it is still an Unconstitutional Injustice to partake in and encourage such condemnation.

Among most of the crazy made up garbage that goes around about it , It is not true that Scientologist's "Don't believe in " medical care , medicine or medical Doctors and that may have something to do with this terrible tragedy.

Just like anyone else, If one is sick , they go to the doctor, If a medication will make it better then they take it.

If they don't then they are an idiot and you can't blame their religion.

Presley then added, "I was married to Michael Jackson, remember? You think I made it through that with just niacin and the support of Leah Remini? Let's just say I'm on a first-name basis with the pharmacist at Sav-On (Hi, Luisa!) and leave it at that."

• Now Is Not The Time. [Myspace]

We're not sure if the candor of medics and funeral home staff in the Bahamas is just part of the regional flavor or what, but if it wasn't before, it definitely is after Restview Memorial Mortuary assistant director Glen Campbell disclosed that Jett's death certificate lists "seizure" as the 16-year-old's cause of death. He had no signs of head trauma, hematoma or other symptoms of a blow he was suspected to have suffered at the time of that seizure — and which were described by the EMT chief who administered to him the morning of Jan. 2.

"He tells The Associated Press that the body is in 'great condition,'" according to a report. "Campbell said the certificate was based on the autopsy findings, and gave no information on the cause of death beyond the word 'seizure.'" And ET sends late word over the transom that Jett will be cremated, with his ashes delivered to his parents tomorrow before their return to Florida. The end. We think. We hope.

• Death certificate: Travolta son killed by seizure [AP]

· Reports on Saturday revealed that Jett, 16, suffered a seizure at the Bahamian vacation home of his parents John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Travolta himself applied CPR until medics arrived; the EMT crew chief told Radar that Jett had a hematoma, suggesting a head blow, later confirmed by Travolta's lawyer and family friend Michael McDermott. There was "a minimum amount of blood," and Jett had no pulse. He was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. An autopsy is underway as of this writing.

· The day after it broke the story, TMZ followed up with word of a police investigation and pointing out conflicts between the Travoltas and investigators in the timeline preceding Jett's death. The Travoltas' nannies say Jett went to sleep at 6 p.m. on Jan. 1, and was discovered when one of the caretakers, Jeff Kathrein, awoke the next morning to find the teen unconscious on the bathroom floor. The police say Jett was last seen entering the bathroom at 11:30 p.m. — meaning he was undiscovered for up to 10 hours following his seizure. Naturally the Travolta camp went on the offensive, arguing that it was likely a second trip to the bathroom — after the caretakers were asleep — during which Jett collapsed.

· But who is Jeff Kathrein, anyway? Is he, as our East Coast cousin declaimed, "Travolta's rumored gay lover"? Or, as the LAT points out, an aspiring celebrity photographer who nannies to pay the bills? Shocker: The Travolta camp isn't commenting. But Kathrein will shoot your nuptials if you're in the market for a wedding photographer.

· Meanwhile, Scientology's enemies latched on to the opportunity to eviscerate its proponents, with Mark Ebner digging up a 2007 interview in which the father of an autistic girl alll but alleged child abuse in the Travoltas' treatment of Jett, whose own severe case of autism was long-suspected by outsiders but never acknowledged by the family. Instead, Jett's non-responsive condition was attributed to Kawasaki syndrome, a rare physical ailment that excused the Travoltas from treating Jett with CO$-condemned psychiatric drugs. (He did, according to McDermott, take anti-seizure medication for a while, which soon failed and whose regimen was ended.) With the exception of brother Joey, who studied autism for a documentary and believed Jett suffered from the condition, the family maintains its diagnosis.

· And a fascinating comments thread at Anonymous's Web site describes the "handlings" and $1,000-an-hour audits the Travoltas might have in front of them as part of Scientology's mourning rituals.

· Finally, it wouldn't be a celebrity death unless someone exploited it for their cause. Autism United sent an e-mail blast this morning asking Travolta and Preston to come clean for the sake of "15,000 parents of children with autism" — to be expected, we suppose, at least moreso than this pot-smelling press release from the publication Cannazine:

Research published in an issue of Science journal published in 2003, found that receptors in the brain, which respond to naturally-occurring cannabis-like chemicals (cannabinoids) made by the body, guarded neurons from being damaged by overstimulation.

Study co-author Beat Lutz, from Germany's Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry, said the group's experiments on mice followed anecdotal and clinical tests of cannabis to treat seizures.

"In my opinion, there are certain forms of epilepsy where patients may feel relief from the use of cannabis," Dr Lutz said.

Maybe. Has anyone consulted Dr. Denis Leary on the matter?

Neither the cause of death nor any other details are available, though we imagine Anonymous and other Scientology critics will drop in with their own suspicions by the time you finish reading this sentence. Jett was long rumored to be autistic, a condition that went untreated while his parents instead claimed he suffered from Kawasaki syndrome — a children's illness characterized by fever, rash, swollen lymph nodes, and potentially leading to heart disease. Developing...

UPDATE (1:21 p.m.): Reuters reports that Jett suffered a seizure at the family's vacation home. Travolta attorney Michael Ossi confirmed the details, adding that attempts were made to revive him, but he died at the scene.

[Photo: SplashNewsOnline via TMZ]

• John Travolta's Son Dies [TMZ]

Still, for those who long for a sequel to Ang Lee's romance, this picture gives us some indication of what might have happened had the two Wyoming sheepherders finally taken the plunge and moved to the big city in Brokeback 2: We'll Take Manhattan.

• Travolta Always Wanted to be in a Gay Cowboy Movie [Towleroad via EW.com]

As such, Wild Hogs will likely remain your deeply-closeted Travolta benchmark for at least another year, while Paris — with its Euro-tweaking, epithet-spewing buddy-cop pretext — will settle in nicely with the Freedom Fries crowd eager to see a Renault blown to hell. Also: Did Don LaFontaine record a year's worth of trailers before he passed away, or were all those obituaries just premature?

• 'From Paris With Love' - Teaser [YouTube]

WHAT'S NEW: Hopefully you enjoyed your mildly adult pleasures last week while you could, because it's an all-puberty weekend this go-around. Twilight finally crashes theaters after a hormonal, high-pitched tidal wave of anticipation, packing tween girls (and not just a few of their mothers) into as much as $70 million worth of sold-out shows. We don't have much to say about the vampire swoonathon that we haven't thrown your way already, but we will go ahead and call it for a $68.8 million gross, 237 fainting spells and a record 455 million shrieks drowning out the dialogue.

Disney will represent as well with its 3-D canine superhero opus Bolt, voiced by John Travolta and Miley Cyrus among others. Tracking is close to $40 million, but with reviews well-above average and the imprimatur of ex-Pixar chief John Lasseter, we could see it overlapping quadrants a bit and maybe peaking around $45 million.

Also opening: Actor Robert Davi's doo-wop/heist-flick directorial debut The Dukes; the imploding Irish marriage drama Eden; and the ethnically-charged lesbian love story I Can't Think Straight.

THE BIG LOSER: For the second consecutive week, the box-office is America's last remaining growth sector. No losers to speak of here, though talk to us next week about Australia.

THE UNDERDOG: The documentary Toots first premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival in 2006; in the two-and-a-half intervening years, director Kristi Jacobson's paean to the legendary NYC saloonkeeper (and her grandfather) Toots Shor has only appreciated in its bittersweet regard for the lost high-class, hard-drinking cafe society of 1950s Manhattan. Less a hagiography than a delayed, definitive act of posterity, Toots nevertheless glows with anecdotes from Mike Wallace, Yogi Berra, Walter Cronkite and a bounty of archival footage showcasing the gregarious subject himself. It's nostalgia worth bingeing on, and it won't leave you with a headache the morning after.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD's this week include three different versions of WALL-E, two versions of Tropic Thunder, a single version of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, the complete series set of The Odd Couple, and just in time for the holidays and/or a 100-foot-tall bonfire, Hannah Montana: The Complete First Season.

So are you braving the Twilight tide this weekend? Does Bolt have street cred worth your dime? Are we missing something, anything to help bulk up this flimsy week? Enlighten us! Please!