Twenty-five or thirty years ago, you became famous, what's the worst that could happen to you? Page 6? Cindy Adams? Liz Smith? There weren't cell phones with cameras. Waiters didn't listen to your conversations and send them to Drudge or Defamer or Gawker or Jezebel or Agent Bedhead. Now we're all Japanese. We're a nation of paparazzi. And it's okay. You make your peace with it. We get so many rewards, we're much more remunerated than other people, so I guess we should take more licks than other people, too.

There's a fabulous gift package awaiting whichever of you little Japanese shutterbugs sends us the first legitimate Malkovich PrivacyWatch sighting, including (but not limited to) Defamer StarPlus™ commenting status, a John Malkovich Halloween mask you can reprint and recreate the Being John Malkovich restaurant scene with, and—best for last—a date with the Defamer editor of your choosing! (Some restrictions apply.)

[Photo credit: Jake Chessum for Esquire]

• What I've Learned: John Malkovich [Esquire]

Burn centers on Osbourne Cox (Malkovich), who has hit a bit of rough patch. He was recently fired from the CIA and decides to write his memoirs, naturally documenting government secrets along the way. His wife (Swinton) decides to steal the material to use in their upcoming divorce proceedings, but the CD mistakenly ends up in the hands of two doltish gym employees, Chad (Pitt) and Linda (McDormand). In response to Linda and Chad conspiring to sell the material to help pay for Linda's plastic surgery, the CIA dispatches Harry (Clooney) to sort it all out at whatever the cost.

• New Photos: Coen Brother's Burn After Reading [firstshowing.net]

Choke
Antihero: Sex-addicted con-man Victor Mancini (Sam Rockwell).
Disease/Problem: Alzheimer's-afflicted mother.
Solution: Fake-choking at ritzy restaurants.
Unconventional Romantic Angle: Mancini cruises sexual addiction recovery workshops for action.

The Wackness
Antihero: Teen drug dealer Luke Shapiro (Josh Peck).
Disease/Problem: Drug-addicted psychiatrist Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley); a troubled youth in need of counseling.
Solution: Bartering pot for therapy.
Unconventional Romantic Angle: Luke falls for Squire's daughter

Sunshine Cleaning
Antihero: Plucky, practical mom Rose Lorkowski (Amy Adams).
Disease/Problem: Lack of funds for son's tuition.
Solution: Forming a biohazard/crime-scene cleanup business.
Unconventional Romantic Angle: Something involving Rose's sister Norah (Emily Blunt) and a suggestively consumed banana (see photo).

The Great Buck Howard
Antihero: A young law school dropout (Colin Hanks).
Disease/Problem: Once-great illusionist Buck Howard (John Malkovich) has a career on the decline.
Solution: Dropout answers Howard's Magician's Apprenticeship ad in the local paper.
Unconventional Romantic Angle: Hanks find the love of his life on the road.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
Antihero: Listless son-of-a-mobster Art Bechstein (Jon Foster).
Disease/Problem: "Art begins to believe that perhaps he doesn't even exist at all."
Solution: Art "encounters a beautiful debutante (Sienna Miller)."
Unconventional Romantic Angle: Art "encounters a beautiful debutante (Sienna Miller)."

• Sundance Could Be a Sellers' Bonanza [NY Times]

In today's episode: John Malkovich, Courtney Love and Judith Light; Leonardo DiCaprio; Matt Damon; Adam Levine, Kirsten Dunst, Topher Grace, James Franco, Adam Brody, Dave Navarro; David Spade and Heather Locklear; Jessica Alba; Keanu Reeves, will.i.am and Jesse Garcia; Beck; Heather Graham; Greg Pitts; Alicia Silverstone; Marcia Cross; Cloris Leachman; Jeffrey Tambor; Rockstar Supernova finalists; Simon Baker; Tony Danza' Gavin Rossdale; Ron Jeremy; Suge Knight and Ian Ziering; Rider Strong; Jai Rodriguez; Lea Thompson; Stephen Coletti and Hayden Panettiere.

· i had such a surreal night last night (9/9) at Cut (which really is the best place for a steak in the whole city) that I had to write in.

you know how sometimes you go to a restaurant, and there's an asshole sitting behind you who just does not shut the fuck up for two seconds? he goes on and on pontificating about his views on everything, but nothing is really all that deep, and he just loves to hear the sound of his own voice. well, that asshole was sitting behind me last night, and his name was JOHN MALKOVICH. we were there for 2 1/2 hours, and he talked more over the course of one meal than i have all month. everything from michael moore (who he called a stupid prick) to tom cruise (who he said hadn't given a good performance since risky business). he went on and on for a LONG time about bush and 9/11, but i guess that's not really defamer-friendly. if he wasn't famous, it would've been torture, but since it was him, it was flat-out hysterical. just a total douchebag.

we also saw courtney love there. she looked like a whore, just not the dirty whore that i was expecting. her hotpants looked expensive, and i couldn't see her vagina thru them, so i guess she's classed herself up.

also, judith light got seated before us. i didn't see her vagina either.

· Sunday night at the Tribe Called Quest show at the Wiltern - Leo DiCaprio front & center of the balcony having a grand old time singing along and dancing like no one was watching.

· Friday, September 8. 1:40pm. Matt Damon seen exiting Hugo's in West Hollywood, solo, speaking urgently on his cell phone. Could it be a case for Bourne?

· L'Deux on Friday night was la publisict's wet dream... in one corner adam levine and his boys were holding court with a bunch of ladies... next to him kirsten dunst was grinding with topher grace, james franco and adam brody. In the other corner Dave Navarro was rocking out, unfortunately without any of the Supernova kids. And finally, as only he could, "Finch" (David Spade) at his own table using his jedi mind tricks to hit on hot girls i guess in an effort to replace Heather Locklear. How does he do that by the way?? ps. the bathrooms there smell like roasted marshmallows. it's kind of disturbing yet oddly awesome.

· Alright, so I'm an usher at the Hollywood Bowl, and if you're stationed on Prom 1 (as I am often), or West Gate (as I was tonight), you see your fair share of the superior race. Celebs, that is, not Aryans. Tonight, at the Neko Case/Ryan Adams/Willie Nelson show, a baseball-cap bearing David Spade waltzed in about an hour into the show. What made it interesting was that Heather Locklear was in tow. Weren't they broken up?

· Monday Sept 11th. A few days after Heather Locklear publicly announced that she and David Spade have split up.....I run into him today coming out of the elevators at the Twin Towers in Century City. He was probably visiting Comedy Central on the 40th floor. David was weathered, wobbly, a bit incoherent and sporting a down-and-out, homeless look. The look does not work for him.

· Saturday 9/9 at Chocolat, my new beau and I were enjoying a late meal on the patio after waiting forevs (even though we had a reservation—oh well, free oysters). Just before we got our meals, the staff cleared the table next to us and we heard the name "Jessica Alba." Sure enough, she and her guy (I think her guy, what's his name, Chip?) and another young couple sat down at the booth beside our table and ordered up dessert and drinks. She was sporting a serious case of bitchface, jeans, a non-descript blouse/jacket combo and this heavyweight chain made of pave-studded dark metal (gorgeous, but also created the did-that-junior-high-student -ask-before-taking- that-from-her-mother's jewelry-box?-effect). The bitchface remained steady throughout the sighting; I guess even the official EW Girl of Summer has a bad night on the town or two. My date claimed it was due to her jealousy of my being the most gorgeous woman in the place...so, thanks, Jessica, for setting up one of the best compliments a Hollywood lady can get.

· Sunday night (9/10) a couple of friends and I went to see Quinceanera at the Arclight, along with maybe 8 other people. Anyway, as we were leaving the theater, we passed by the head Black Eyed Pea, will.i.am, in line for tickets. Standing right outside the door, I spot the star of Quinceanera, Jesse Garcia, standing with friends (turns out he had a short film showing at the Arclight that evening). Then not two minutes later, a helmet-wearing Keanu Reeves strolled out of the theater and stood in the courtyard for 10 or so minutes. He took off the helmet, and with the dirty and disheveled hair underneath, he should have kept it on. After a while he headed back into the theater to see who know's what. Three sightings in a 20-minute time period is damn good for me!

· Just saw Beck and a cute blonde girl walking on Vermont in the Los Feliz Village. They stopped at the boutique Show and looked through the windows, as the store was closed. Then they turned and walked back in the direction they came from. Guess even Beck needs new hipster clothes now and then.

· Friday 9/1/06 snuck out for some Tapas and wine at Cobras & Matadors in Los Feliz and see Heather Graham walk in. Some call here Roller Girl, I still call her Mercedes from License to Drive - either way very pretty and more petite than I would have thought. She had to wait for her date out front very normal person like and when he arrived looked like he might be a movie star... in France. Very Euro wealthy looking, A few minutes later bonus extra credit sighting as the "O" face guy from Office Space came in (whose name I did look up on IMDB and promptly forget) [ed.: It's Greg Pitts.] but as a fan of the movie still a funny sighting.

· Today 9/12, at 1:20pm, I was at M Cafe de Chaya on Melrose with my coworkers for my birthday lunch. I told my boss that I better see a celebrity for my birthday... And who could be more appropriately grant my vegan birthday wish than Alicia Silverstone? She sat kitty-corner from us outside, looking very natural and normal. No makeup, a little cotton hippy dress (cute, not too hippy), and dirty flip-flops. She was not too noticeable except for that unmistakable mouth. She was talking to some older guy with big sunglasses, a black polo shirt, and a trimmed beard. As she left, she tickled the toes of the baby squirming in the stroller at the table next to hers.

· Marcia Cross at Diamond Foam and Fabric on La Brea. Might she be shopping for nursery upholstery already?

· Saw CLORIS LEACHMAN brunching yesterday (Sunday 9/10) at Le Pain Quotidian restaurant in Brentwood Village. The 80-year-old award-winner seemed very pleasant, and spry (started bussing her own table), and — am I gonna go to hell for noticing? — had one helluva nice rack.

· Saturday (9/9) my friends and I were hanging out up in Santa Barbara for the 311 concert when we decided to rent one of those 4-person surrey things and (for some reason) bike it all the way to the zoo. As we were arguing over which way to go in the SB Zoo parking lot, we almost got hit by a silver BMW X5. I looked over, and behind the wheel was none other than George Bluth Sr. himself; Jeffrey Tambor, looking old and grouchy with his wife (I'm assuming) and a small child in the car.

· how many d-list reality stars do you have to see at one time in one place to make it an a-list sighting? well, all the finalists of ROCKSTAR SUPERNOVA took over the back corner of the venerable Rustic Inn on Wed (9/6), yes, even the tired looking one with the crutches, who inadvertently kept turning the light dimmer up and down every time she adjusted herself, which you know is a big no-no in the classic, 'time don't exist here' Rustic Inn. Yes, they were rowdy, yes, they sang along to the show. Our patient waitress rewarded us with shots after the show was over, thanking us for "putting up with them."

· On September 7, around 1:00 in Century City...my friends and I were driving to lunch when a brand spanking new red Viper pulled up next to us. In the heat on the car, we then all noticed the dashing and smokin' hot man in the front seat. It took a few milli-seconds but we all screamed, "SIMON BAKER." Gorgeous man, amazing vehicle...that made our day!

· On Labor Day a friend from New York and I went on a drive to Malibu. We stopped at Taverna Tony's for a quick cocktail before returning to LA. On my way out a very "liquid" Tony Danza was blocking the door. As Tony bobbed and weaved with some type of tropical looking drink in his hand, he apologized and poured himself out of my way. I hoped he wasn't going to have a sugar tits episode of his very own.

· So this past Saturday afternoon I was driving along Beverly Blvd, minding my own business and suddenly one of those expensive Mercedes cuts in front of me. He did have his signal on, but I was not expecting him to select the small space between me and the car in front to make his move. Now, as I was in an excellent mood that day, I didn't even honk at the Tool. Given that I am a native Angeleno and born with a 'get the bleeping hell out of my way' mentality, it was very generous of me. However, the irritation much have shown on my face as the Tool, who at that point had maneuvered to the left turning lane next to me felt the need to stop next to me, roll down his back window and say 'Didn't you see my signal?' in a snazzy English accent.

Now my mother is from England, so you can imagine how impressed I was with him.

In any case, I told him that I did not, in fact, see his signal. He replied 'Well then, you should pay attention to the road, then' and rolled up his window and pulled away from me. It occurred to me at that point that the man I was verbally sparring with was none other than Gavin Rossdale, a virtual unknown in his home country, but husband of the world famous Gwen Stefani.

As I drove past him I let him know how well versed I was in his native language and gave him the British 2 finger salute.

· As I was weaving through the benches at the Hollywood Bowl, trying to safely flee the masses after the Neko Case/Ryan Adams/Willie Nelson concert last night, whom should I see: the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy. He looks _exactly_ as he does on TV, and he was chatting up a young lady while waiting for everyone to clear out (he probably had one of the cars trapped in the stacked parking). Who knew he was a Willie fan?

· Evening of 9/9/06; Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) rolls into the Belmont for some drinks. He looks exactly the same. A little while later, Suge Knight arrives with a buddy, smoking a cigar.

· Belmont on Saturday night... Suge Knight and Ian Ziering. They arrived separately, sat separately, and left separately, so clearly they are dating.

· Rider Strong of Boy Meets World fame hanging out behind me at the 9/8 Ryan Adams show at the HOB Anaheim. Boy was wearing a trucker hat and was surprisingly short in person. I felt momentarily bad that he had to stand behind my 5'11" self, then got over it. He was talking about how awesome having a Bluetooth system in his car was. Trucker hat and Bluetooth? He seems a little late on his fads. Oh, and Ryan Adams was rocking some of the tallest boots I've ever seen on a guy — 3 inch heels at least.

· Yeah, not the most exciting sighting. Saw Jai Rodriguez tearing wildly across the parking lot of the 7-11 on the corner of Franklin & Vermont, Saturday night, 9/9, in Los Feliz, looking like he was on his way to a really gay emergency. "He runs like a fag," observed my sage companion.

· We saw Lea Thompson (of the Back to the Future) franchise hiking in Fryman Canyon in Studio City near her home on Sunday, September 10.

· I saw Stephen Coletti from Laguna Beach at LAX this Sunday afternoon with a short, dirty blond girlfriend. The girlfriend was on my flight (alone & in United Economy Plus, not first class!). I am pretty sure the girl was his rumored girlfriend Hayden Panettiere. She looked extremely young and my boyfriend remarked "she wasn't as skinny as most actresses". They were hugging and kissing at the baggage claim