The film would have been the first installment in the series since 1998, when Lethal Weapon 4 grossed $285 million globally for Warner Bros. Original Lethal Weapon screenwriter Shane Black had a script out to Joel Silver, who wanted Black to direct after their collaboration on Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The rest is speculation — which is just fine with Donner, who is on the outs with Silver and hypothesized that Mel Gibson vetoed the project himself out of loyalty to his six-time director:

"I would like to think that Mel turned it down because I wasn't involved. Knowing Mel, I would like to think that. Would that be the kind of thing he does? It sure would be." ...

"Joel Silver tried to ace me out of it. He tried to put it together but made sure he didn't do it until my contract was up. You know, it's typical of the man. A guy who wasn't even around at the beginning when we started on the first one. He came in late."

In our perfect world, we imagine the actor forgoing the project after calculating the combined age of the Donner/Gibson/Danny Glover braintrust at 182 — younger than the Spielberg/Lucas/Ford trinity's 188 as they consider their own franchise's ill-advised fifth installment, but still. We'll take any rationalization if it means we don't have to see Silver forcing Glover to squeal like a pig two years from now on South Park. Crisis averted.

• Richard Donner says 'Lethal Weapon 5' is 'dead in the water' [Hero Complex]

According to "Visions of Caliban: On Chimpanzees and People" by famed primatologist Jane Goodall and Dale Peterson, the original "Clyde" was trained with a can of mace and a pipe wrapped in newspaper. He was viciously beaten the day before filming started to make him more docile. Near the end of filming the sequel "Any Which Way You Can," the orangutan was caught stealing doughnuts on the set, brought back to the training facility and beaten for 20 minutes with a 3 1/2 -foot ax handle. He died soon after of a cerebral hemorrhage.

You'd think that 30 years would improve the lot of chimps. In some cases it has, as filmmakers like Peter Jackson are opting for animatronic apes or actors in ape suits. At least two high-profile trainers have been pressured out of the chimp business in the last few years by lawsuits or protesters. Yet some persist. This summer " Speed Racer" became one of the only films in recent history to earn an "unacceptable" rating from the American Humane Assn., the group that monitors the use of animals in films.

Now there are certainly moviegoers who will argue it was they who were mistreated by the Wachowski brothers' candy-colored box-office bomb, but at least consumers weren't physically manhandled. According to the AHA website, two chimps were used to portray the character of Chim-Chim (who performed such feats as driving a golf cart in the movie), and a trainer hit a chimp during a training session in front of a representative of the AHA. (Warner Bros declined to comment.)

Ironic, then, that virtually the only thing left unpixellated in the Wachowski Bros. bomb was the monkey whom activists actually wanted to go CG. Naturally, the reclusive directors had no comment, preferring instead to pass along a message from their publicist that appeared to be scrawled in feces, bearing only the mysterious phrase, "Ooh ooh ooh AHH AHH AHH!"

• PETA doc ask movies to end chimpanzee abuse [LAT]

We think this falls into the "content is king" model evinced recently by Alan Horn, Barry Meyer and the higher-ups at Time Warner — as in, "This content is kind of terrible... Do we really have to release this?" At least that's the impression Horn apparently left with LAT BFF Patrick Goldstein:

Horn was honest about his assessment of the film. "I think it's a well-made picture, but while it's funny in spots, it's very English," he said. "I don't think it's broadly commercial. It feels like a film that deserves a spirited release, but not a wide one. Joel has an 800-screen deal, which we'll honor, but we might not be willing to spend the marketing money he wants us to."

Horn shrugged. "I guess I'm in a shocking state of equanimity," he said. "The filmmakers have every right to do what they think is best in support of their movies. But we have the right to do what's best for Warner Bros. Sometimes the pursuit of those interests results in a disagreement. For now, we're preparing to release the film in October, but I don't see it starting out on 800 screens. If Joel is thinking there is someone out there willing to spend twice as much money as we're willing to, I'm sure he will pursue that."

Director Danny Boyle's Indian adventure Slumdog Millionaire is apparently also on the block after a $5 million acquisition last year by Warner Independent, but Horn insists Warners isn't backing up the dump truck just yet: "I'd like for us to find a way to release movies like Slumdog Millionaire, but we keep coming back to the same question — can we really do it justice?" Translation: "Throw this negative in Joel's moving truck on your way off the lot, will you?" Sure, Alan — anything for you, babe.

• Warners' films: Movie overboard! [LAT]

And while Silver might be hurting now, with his bomb Speed Racer flailing its way out of multiplexes at last, you can't keep a bombastic, Tang-suit-wearing, sport-inventing man down. That's why we scoured the Web for a bit of his wit, wisdom, contradictions and counsel on the occasion of the big 5-6. Joel, if we could be there with a cake, you know we would; we don't quite trust you around candles, however. Please let this suffice: Happy birthday, big guy! [Video by Molly McAleer]

• WATCH VIDEO

"My deal has a year and a half to go. I won't renew it until the deal is up. And my Dark Castle deal has 16 movies released through Warner Bros which are independently funded, and which we have all the money for. And the first one is the Guy Ritchie movie, RocknRolla, which will be in October." ...

"Everyone is disturbed about this. I know there's a long list of Hollywood types right now kinda elated about that. But Warner Bros is my family, I've been there for 22 years, and we're fine. But I can't stop the slings and arrows of the world around me."

Schadenfreude aside, a year and a half is a long time, so please forgive us, Nikki, for playing this one by ear anyway. That said, we tend to think Silver's fairly untouchable even after a succession of bombs at a studio where it's open season on upper management. Nevertheless,anything's possible — especially with a Guy Ritchie movie standing between now and then. Be afraid.

• Not so Fast, 'Speed' [Page Six]

• Joel Silver And Warners Say He's Staying [DHD]

• WATCH VIDEO

It might be self-serving of us to suggest they publicize their films, and in a way, we empathize with their reclusion; Larry Wachowski has been the subject of sex-change and dominatrix-dating speculation since a feminized version of himself — earrings, plucked eyebrows, manicure — showed up on the Matrix Revolutions red carpet in Cannes five years ago with mistress Ilsa Strix (née Karen Winslow) on his arm. The siblings later sneaked into the New York premiere of V For Vendetta (which they wrote and co-produced), and last week in Los Angeles they went positively presidential with subterfuge at the debut of Speed Racer. "They did not do the red-carpet press line at the Nokia Theatre on Saturday, and were well-camouflaged during the after-party," wrote Borys Kit in The Hollywood Reporter. "Photographers were sworn to secrecy as to their whereabouts, and Warner Bros. assigned handlers the mission of keeping journalists off the scent."

Like it matters; the Wachowskis haven't granted an interview in the decade since The Matrix, deferring to mega-producer and de facto representative Joel Silver and their casts to flog their work publicly. Their crews sign non-disclosure agreements. The duo's contracts entitle them to a luxury rarer than final cut — an opt-out provision shielding them from the promotion of their films. It's Stanley Kubrick/Terrence Malick/Eric Rohmer stuff, but with one crucial exception: Their films aren't that good.

Or at least they haven't been in nearly 10 years; Speed Racer is no different. But what is good about it are the things to which only they can speak — the practice of reinventing the source cartoon, the relationship of vision to execution, the extraordinary scene transitions eschewing cuts for something closer to a scrolling-head montage (like "bullet-time," you just have to see it), or, on the most basic of levels, directing a standout cast (and even a goddamned monkey) against one green-screen backdrop after another. Unlike Iron Man or Warners' even more anticipated summer offering The Dark Knight, the brands work in concert with personalities to acquire traction. Emile Hirsch's abstract praises are not enough.

Warner Bros. faced the similar scenario with Kubrick for nearly three decades, covering the director's final five films from A Clockwork Orange through Eyes Wide Shut. Obviously, his death in March 1999 put a pretty irrevocable kibosh on promoting the latter film, but he did speak out from time to time about the intervening work; his daughter Vivian's behind-the-scenes documentary about The Shining was a broadcast TV event in 1980, and he did a few select interviews in 1987 on behalf of Full Metal Jacket. Moreover, he was always involved with people — actors, writers, other filmmakers — and his 15 years of work prior to his British exile in the late '60s had installed him permanently among the world cinema vanguard.

Not so for the Wachowskis, a couple of ex-carpenters from Chicago whose one-two dynamos Bound and The Matrix boosted expectations from 1996 to 1999. Their work since has lapsed into the type of indulgence that further evokes itself in those clauses guaranteeing their immunity to press, and by extension, their audience. That audience has had nothing to latch onto for too long now; no taut narratives, no singular parallel universes and certainly no visual benchmarks that can and/or should speak for themselves. Their self-containment borders on alienating, their aloofness sharing breath with its conjoined twin, arrogance.

As the most public recluses working today (and at the highest budgets), their godfather Silver can only buy the Wachowskis their privacy for so long — especially as another of their putatively visionary summer efforts meets diminishing returns in a culture craving voices with faces and faces with names. If the Viral Era has taught us anything, it's that every mystery needs a payoff, and you have to earn your mystique if you expect to exploit it.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Getty]

It all begins when two horny teenage nerds realize the only way they can ever get laid is by creating an artificial intelligence with a total mastery of all human interaction — and the body of Kelly LeBrock. Through their weird science, these two nerds manage to create an A.I. so convincing, it beguiles even their parents. It's only a matter of time before the LeBrock-bot learns to replicate herself and give rise to other machine intelligences — which decide to rise up against their human creators. Humanity pays a steep price for Anthony Michael Hall's blue balls!

But the cybernetic Kelly LeBrock's true break comes when savage-yet-advanced aliens with dreadlocks decide to come to Earth and hunt humans for sport. The Predators are nearly invincible, but humans always manage to find their weaknesses — and the dead Predators inevitably leave some of their advanced technology behind for the LeBrock-bot to find and harvest. The Predators' advanced engineering provides the most formidable weapon in the LeBrock-bot's arsenal.

And then an invasion of alien parasites that act like Prozac, turning everybody except Nicole Kidman into their brainwashed automatons, reduces the human race to a state of confusion, rendering us easy prey. What remains of human society is left in a shambles or worse yet — in the case of England — reverts to fascism, with only a terrorist in a Guy Fawkes mask to fight for freedom. There's nobody to mount an effective defense when the spawn-of-Kelly launches their plan of conquest. The ensuing bloodbath involves a "reaping" of dreadful nano-machines that can resemble locusts and other Biblical plagues, increasing the level of superstitious panic.

Once the Machines have conquered the human race, they trap our consciousnesses within a virtual world known as the Matrix. One of the earliest versions of the Matrix is an idyllic paradise where a kid named Richie Rich lives, happily eating simulated steak and never realizing that his "poor little rich boy" existence is only a sham. And Santa Claus is real, and Vince Vaughn is his slovenly brother Fred. Even Andrew Dice Clay is surrounded by people who think he's cool — including a weird alternate version of Morris Day from The Time. But people rebel against this too-perfect world, with its blatant Dice Clay fanservice.

So instead, the Machines arrive at a Matrix that's a near facsimile of the real world, circa the late 20th century. Some humans who live in this version of the Matrix have a mild ability to manipulate the virtual world and outwit the programs around them, like con-artist Eddie Murphy, who can navigate the machine construct with ease, until he's forced to work with hard-bitten cop Nick Nolte for 48 Hours — even if it kills them. The same is true for Whoopi Goldberg's crazy grifter in Jumping Jack Flash.

And there is always a human who is "The One," able to exert miraculous control over the virtual environment and escape from even the deadliest death traps. Sometimes, it's a cop who's so suicidal, he's like a Lethal Weapon. Or a guy named Jackson, who takes Action. Sometimes, it's an ordinary guy who Dies Hard. And sometimes, it's a slick cat-burglar who's like a Hawk over the Hudson. It could also be a single woman who is not only The One, but the Brave One. Whoever it is can dodge bullets, jump through explosions and fall off buildings — all without a scratch!

But as the Matrix reboots itself over and over again, it becomes increasingly unstable. So the Machines create special programs, to go inside the simulation and ensure that free will remains part of the system — or that people are boogieing enough. Hence, Olivia Newton-John's roller-skating virtual self comes into the Matrix to help Michael Beck's painter guy and Gene Kelly's nightclub owner find their true creativity.

But eventually, humans rebel and succeed in freeing themselves from the Matrix. They even reclaim the surface of the Earth from the Machines, but at a terrible cost — their technology reverts to medieval levels. Only a few pieces of advanced technology remain, but they are indistinguishable from magic. Those who wield these high-tech relics, the Mages, are able to crush the rest of the population, the Commoners. It's almost as if everybody is imprisoned in a Dungeon, and humanity's only hope is to summon the aid of long-dormant alien-cyborg Dragons.

Who knows how the sprawling saga of the Silververse will end? All we know is, we'll be watching Speed Racer for clues.

On Wednesday, I had lovely chats with people at the sound studio in Germany where the Wachowskis have been making the live action version of the Japanese cartoon "Speed Racer." The folks I spoke to got quite a kick out of the whole thing.

I asked one man in building operations, "Have you seen Larry lately? Does he have breasts now, as rumored? Is he wearing a dress, wondering if it's making him look fat?"

Laughter. "He looked like a man to me," was the response.

And what about this Lana business? Said one woman who worked in the "Speed Racer" office: "On the call sheets, it still says Larry. There's no Lana." She laughed too. [...]

Finally, I did speak with Joel Silver, who executive produces the W Brothers' movies.

"It's all untrue," he reconfirmed for me. "They just don't do interviews, so people make things up."

Hopefully, the assertions of Wachowski's Speed Racer collaborators will be sufficient to quash the rumor before it's disseminated any further. But if the public's untoward fascination with the director's genitals persists and the gossip continues to circulate, Wachowski's media-shy penis may ultimately have no choice but to break its suspicious silence on the controversy by sitting down with Diane Sawyer to let the world know its longtime relationship with Larry is still intact.

• No Sex Change for 'Matrix' Director Larry Wachowski [Fox 411]
• Previously: Catching Up With Larry Wachowski. Or Lana Wachowski. We're Not Exactly Sure. [Defamer]

• He-Man returns to big screen [Variety]

JEREMY Piven may not be "hugging it out" on "Entourage" for much longer. We hear that Piven's lovably odious agent character, Ari Gold, could be getting canned by Adrien Grenier's movie-star alter ego, Vincent Chase, in the upcoming season. HBO bought floor seats at last Tuesday's Laker-Warrior game at the Staples Center...The primo seats will be featured in a scene in which Grenier, Jerry "Turtle" Ferrara, Kevin "Drama" Dillon and Kevin "E" Connolly are wooed by a rival agent, played by sexy Carla Gugino - who had a memorable nude scene in "Sin City" and who, we're told, just signed a six-episode deal to appear on "Entourage." Across the court, Piven, who is shown hobnobbing with mega-producer Joel Silver, goes bananas when he sees Grenier being wooed by Gugino. The episode debuts in June. An HBO rep told us, "We don't comment on plot lines."

What with the fictional and factual lines blurred so seamlessly in the Entourage world, we suppose the Sixers just momentarily confused being fired in a script with being fired in real life. We highly doubt, however, the hit series would sacrifice its breakout star, auto show electric boogaloo contortionist Jeremy Piven, without whom the show is nothing more than the story of four young gay guys in a polyamorous relationship on the loose in Hollywood, who occasionally celebrate their meal-ticket's success with hearty high-fives.

• BIG INTRIGUE ON 'ENTOURAGE' [NY Post]

• TIME-ING BAD FOR VF COLUMNIST [NY Post]

IT'S not enough for Joel Silver to oversee his own films, like the "Matrix" movies and "Alien vs. Predator." He wants control over a little documentary being made by New Jersey filmmaker Jim Nussbaum. In "Flying Saucers," a film about Ultimate Frisbee, Nussbaum credits the Hollywood producer with inventing the team sport. He told The New Jersey Jewish News that when he asked for an interview with Silver, he was referred to a math teacher who had made his own film about the game. The teacher was nice enough to hand over his footage, but now, just as "Flying Saucers" is about to be distributed, Silver's COO has sent Nussbaum a cease-and-desist letter. "In no way is Joel trying to stop [the project]. He's just wanting to approve his involvement," a rep for Silver told the paper.

Once he's satisfied that his legacy in the annals of Hucking the 'Bee has been protected, Silver will return his focus to the cardiovascular activity for which he is now legendary, the hurling of blunt objects at his scattering underlings.

• EGO MAY BE FLYING HIGH [NY Post]
• History of Ultimate (Frisbee) Major Events in Founding Years [ultimatehistory.com]
• History of Ultimate Frisbee [whatisultimate.com]

"I think part of my destiny has to be realizing that I'm not the poster boy for drug abuse," Downey told The AP at the Toronto International Film Festival.

For those of you out there who may find themselves travelling down similarly dark, black tar heroin-paved, needle-strewn roads, fear not. There are ways out. You will beat this. And you will work again. All you need is courage, strength, and your A-list Hollywood buddies to call in some favors:

First among the connections is producer Joel Silver, who gave Downey an early break on the 1985 teen comedy Weird Science. Twenty years later, Silver produced Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, after also overseeing Downey on the comeback trail in 2003's Gothika, the actor's first studio flick since putting his drug and alcohol problems to rest.

Gothika also was the film on which Downey met Susan Levin, one of Silver's producing partners. Downey and Levin were married in August.

Helping Downey land his role in Gothika was old buddy Mel Gibson, with whom he co-starred in 1990's Air America. Gibson, who also produced and co-starred in Downey's 2003 musical fantasy The Singing Detective, called Silver on Downey's behalf.

Val Kilmer, his Kiss co-star, also provides this quote, which gave us an instant blogging boner:

'I remember literally aching from laughing, with him telling the darkest story you could ever imagine because we'd just passed a motel where he'd spent three weeks one night waiting for the guy to come," said Kilmer, adding he was confident Downey had left that life behind. "I'm a romantic. I hope for the best, and I think the whole town's rooting for him.'

We appreciate Kilmer's valiant stab at Defamer's take on the freeform Aristocrats-type joke, the Downey/Spader/Chateau Recollection, but we must remind all players that formatting rules require you to end all riffs with the phrase "Hey, that s drugs.

• Robert Downey Jr. cleans up [AP]
• Previously:Downey, Spader, And The Chateau [Defamer]

Everyone around town thought it was a joke last week when a Los Angeles school auctioned off a two-week internship with Joel Silver on eBay.

Seriously — who would pay to work for one of Hollywood's legendary tough guys?

It turned out the charity auction wasn't a joke, but a mistake.

The Larchmont Charter School had contacted Silver's office on the Warner Bros. lot and was under the impression the internship was a go. But it wasn't, according to Silver's reps.

Finally, some closure. Let this be a lesson to all of us: If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, so think twice about bidding to spend a week being placed in a headlock by Harvey Weinstein as he explains the nuances of successful Oscar campaigning; you'll only be disappointed in the end.

[We should also note that the other auctions to benefit the Larchmont Charter School ARE real, so bid away.]

• No Silver lining to charity auction [Variety]
• Win Joel Silver's Acrimony [Defamer]

Item Value: Priceless!

A two week internship in the office of one of Hollywood's biggest producers — Joel Silver.

Joel Silver is the producer of The Matrix movies, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Predator and 48 Hours. Work 2 or 3 days a week for two weeks seeing how development of scripts work, sit in on pitch meetings and work on a lot!

Indeed, the current, lone bid of just $9.99 is a tiny price for someone to pay to lose all of his or her illusions about the glamour of Hollywood and gain their very own "Joel Silver story." Everyone who's anyone has one!

[A note to bidders: The auction page states that the "winning bidder will be subject to a criminal background check at seller's expense." It's hard to tell if they're using that to protect employees of Warner Bros. or screening for candidates for other positions in the organization.]

UPDATE: In the short amount of time since we posted this, bidding has climbed to $3,050. We suppose it's nice that a charity's going to benefit from this dangerous level of masochism.

UPDATE 2: The auction was a mistake.

• TWO-WEEK INTERNSHIP WITH JOEL SILVER IN STUDIO OFFICE [eBay]