After Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempt to assist the clueless singer/actress/professional pouter in promoting her record-breaking new single, Simpson jumps right in by noting that she first heard the song while riding home (from Church!) in Dallas with none other than Tony. Even the show's producers participated in the "Jessica Simpson Is So, So Happy! We Swear!" segment by immediately flashing to a shot of the couple looking just like every high school's Prom King and Queen posing for cheap glamour shots. Thankfully, Hasselbeck's always-impressive skill of insulting guests while disguising the low blow in complimentary clothing came through, as the co-host told Jessica that "country is where you should be." Yes, Elisabeth. If only it were another country, we'd agree with you even more.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

"There have been stories that are ridiculous," Simpson said. "Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing!?"

Seriously, you guys! How could you even think such a thing about Poppa Joe? The man is a former Baptist minister who would never, ever cross an inappropriate sexual line with his daughters.

Oh, wait:

Some girls get sheepish when their dads talk about their periods, boyfriends, or accidental walk-ins, but when your dad is Joe Simpson and he goes to GQ talking about your jubblies, it can affect your sanity—and your career. The quote, in case you're the last person on earth to hear it: "Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got DOUBLE Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!"

And he would know, since he totally didn't fit her for a training bra or anything. Still, we encourage Jessica to relax; if there's anything we've learned from our two days as guest editor, it's that inappropriate family sexytime is more than condoned in Hollywood — it's encouraged! In the spirit of the new Arrested Development movie, we encourage Jess to kick back with a DVD of Les cousins dangereux, a bottle of wine, and an embrace of her new country music street cred that money can't buy.

• Jessica Simpson Denies Her Dad Fit Her for Bra [Us Magazine]

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]

• JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD ATTEMPTS TO SELL 'ENGAGEMENT', ENRAGES TONY ROMO [Us]

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Chase Crawford: Very worthy choice. Couple those gay rumors with his preference for blonde beards from the South, and it's a magic match in PR heaven.
Owen Wilson: Also a wise decision, though Joe would break the bank nabbing the Stallion. Also a blonde fan, Wilson is currently on the lookout for a Kate Hudson replacement and, if Jess is lucky, Wilson will relapse weeks into their depressing union, ensuring her distressed mug appears in the press for weeks.

Pete Wentz: Easy access, for sure. Both incestuous and sensational, Joe could always find a baby from whichever celebrity adoption agency delivered Suri Cruise to TomKat, and claim Pete is the father to not one, but both of his toothy princesses.
Sam Ronson: Sam is always available for the part of wingwoman, and the fits Lindsay would cause in the press would go on for months.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• JESSICA SIMPSON AND TONY ROMO THROW IN THE TOWEL [NYDN]

Caa steals ideas and claims them as their own. I would avoid them if you are smart. As they did to Matthew Mark@ and MY Model song. David Zedeck is responsible at NY for the copyright infringement of the song and Geffen Records as well as Joseph Simpson and Ashlee his daughter.

The same accuser, who threatened the Simpsons, Zedeck and Geffen with a $40 million lawsuit in a barely literate press release in January, also hacked Joe Simpson's article for good measure: "Joseph Simpson is a crook and steals ideas as he did with the My Model song his daughter Ashlee sings and claims as her own. ... Avoid him and practices at any cost." Ashlee avoided direct attack herself, and the elder Simpson's own record has since been scrubbed clean as well, freeing him and CAA to polish their scorching cease-and-desist letter in relative peace and quiet.

• Creative Artists Agency [Wikipedia]

When Tony and Jess first got together back in November, rumors abounded that Joe was the mastermind behind the set-up. Jess didn't have a whole lot to do, what with that whole acting attempt disaster weakening any Oscar dreams and, well, Joe was like totally a fan of the Cowboys quarterback! So he pimped her out, just like he'd pimped out boy toy Ryan Cabrera to Ashlee. Making matters worse, ever since Jess's divorce from Nick Lachey, all of her so-called boyfriends tend to appear completely embarrassed around the booby blonde. John Mayer denied their relationship for months, while Bam Margera chose to take the classier route and say all they did was do the deed. It seems that once her boyfriends bed her, Papa Joe enters the picture and frightens them away. We call for a Lynne/Britney-style separation, stat.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• Tony, Jess and Joe Simpson Makes Three? [OK!]
• PAPA JOE CAUSING PROBLEMS FOR JESSICA, TONY [MSNBC]

"'Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover'...Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million."

As magazine sources tell the NY Post, Simpson will be lucky if she gets $60,000 for a cover story, even one including so-called exclusive revelations about the upcoming shotgun wedding and baby news. Considering the fact that the cat's out of the bag already, Joe may have to wait until the spawn is sprung to use his photography skills towards a big payday. Even Tori Spelling couldn't spark much interest in her backyard belly photos, and at least she has a canonized series under her soon-to-break belt. Perhaps Ashlee should take some advice from her new double date companion Nicole Richie and leave her dad out of the picture. Richie scored a decently paying cover story without any help from her dad; maybe Joe should keep his grubby hands out of the photos-for-cash game and let his kids embarrass themselves on their own?

[Photo credit: Getty]

• ASHLEE PHOTO PITCH LOW-BALLED [NY Post]
• ASHLEE SIMPSON GOES ON DOUBLE DATE WITH NICOLE RICHIE IN NYC [Us]

boomp3.com

Can somebody in America please buy one of my daughters' albums? Please? Or at least do a little more than pretend to like them or go a step beyond liking them for various reasons of irony? Do you know how hard it is to make the change between the manager who just got off the phone with the record label to the cool dad who has to the break news that one of them is about to get dropped from their label? It's hard, real hard. Let alone hiding these irrational fears that I'm going to get fired by my own daughters? Can you imagine that being fired by your own flesh and blood? It could happen. The constant threat that keeps me up at night. That and Ryan Seacrest changing his phone number without him giving me the new number.

Sometimes, I think that Jamie Spears (you know, Britney's dad) has it much easier than me. He's doing a tremendous job over there, but it's pretty simple. Just tell her to stop spending all that money, put on some panties and hang out with her kids whenever she can. And then he's got Juno Lynn over in Louisiana, just hanging out, getting ready to pop out that kid and attempting to be a normal teen with a child. Not me, man. If I was Juno Lynn's dad, I'd be telling her to hit the gym a couple hours after birth. She's gotta get that Nickelodeon body back before her show starts back up.

I'm in a dual position with my kids. I have to love and care for them, but I also have to tell them not to do certain things. You know I had to tell Ashlee the other day to tone down looking like the slithered out afterbirth of a Nylon magazine photo shoot with that makeup wearing hobbit of a boyfriend she has. I'm happy for her as a dad, but as a manger, I'm little concerned about her public image. We have to sell records to Middle America and a lot of those kids still shop at Hot Topic. We can't alienate them too much. With Jessica, it's a bit easier. Don't go to any more Cowboys games and keep on giving what every body wants, a bit of ass cleavage and the regular kind, too.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

And by "slander," we mean "reporting the facts," as OK continues to stand by their report that Romo "broke up with the singer because she was too high-maintenance" (according to US Magazine). Jessica, high maintenance? We are shocked. We always thought that piling on 8 pounds of makeup, being so creepily close to her hairdresser that he's officially her only friend, and insisting on toting around puppy Daisy in a Louis Vuitton doggie carrier priced high above $3k made the pop tart look downright Joni Mitchell.

• Jessica Simpson Fights Back Against OK! Magazine [US Magazine]