Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that.

The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following:

Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!...
How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit
Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him?

In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her."

Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued:

This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down."

Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis."

Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident.

Here's the AP report—and really, every short paragraph is outrageously satisfying:

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case.

When the adult-video entrepreneur finally appeared in court Monday afternoon, he told the judge he was suffering from the flu. Francis' attorney Melissa Weinberger says U.S. marshals then handcuffed Francis and took him away.

Francis is accused of claiming more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his corporate tax returns, including $3.8 million for a home in Mexico and $10.4 million in phony consulting services. He has pleaded not guilty to two counts of federal tax evasion.

The hearing was to consider a request from his tax attorneys to recuse themselves.

It looks as though that massive conspiracy cooked up cruel activist judges and breast-suppressing Illuminati finally paid dividends! Though Sundance buddy Kim Zolciak is surely donning her black wig on this dark day, we have a feeling that Samantha Ronson is nothing but smiles. Meet you at Bardot, Sam—drinks (and plastic water bottles) are on us!

• 'Girls Gone Wild' founder arrested in LA court [AP]

Robert Bernhoft and Robert Barnes — the infamous "Two Bobs" of a mildly premature Portfolio magazine profile last year — are defending themselves this week against claims they provided less-than-optimal service to Francis, who faces 10 years in prison when he goes on trial this spring on tax-evasion charges. Not that a Joe Francis endorsement should necessarily attract the the high-powered Hollywood delinquents the Two Bobs had their hearts set on, but his dismissal of them in the LA Daily Journal as "swindlers" and "the Paris Hilton of lawyers — just to be famous, not to do anything" is arguably even less arousing.

The duo fired back Monday to the gang at LA Observed, which passed along a statement accusing the Journal of "lazy" and roundly untrue "ambush journalism," yet stopping short of denying their Hiltonesque status. And why should they? "The Paris Hilton Of Lawyers" may yet have some business-card and TV-spot traction after they've returned to strip-mall practice in Milwaukee. Sorry it didn't work out, fellas.

• Joe Francis means trouble for his lawyers [LA Observed via THR Esq.]

We have yet to spot the two lovebirds strolling along Main Street, but are comforted to know Joe has found an intimacy partner who's neither a roofie-addled 14-year-old in a Girls Gone Wild visor and nothing else, or a 400-pound Panama City Beach Jail cellmate who thinks of the impresario as his own little Phillip Morris.

• Previously: Kim Zolciak's New Blog Gives Hope To Fake Cancer Survivors Everywhere [Defamer]

It's here that Francis unloads, implying that Lindsay is the equivalent of a "lesbian until graduation" and stating that, uh, Rosnan is a "wretched woman...taking [Lindsay] down a path that's just wrong for her." Thank God, America, that we have fine, upstanding men like Francis who are so concerned about our young ladies going down the wrong path. Be there for her, Joe. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for her worries, and a positive influence who can help lead Lindsay out of the woods with a 12:30 am carton of pralines and cream and a tender, heartfelt message: "Those tits look great in that shirt, but I bet they'd look even better out of it..."

• The Tyra Banks Show

After all, they argue, Snipes dropped the Bobs after they urged a "good-faith" offer to defray his tax debt on three misdemeanor charges — unprecedentedly dropped from the original six counts for his nonpayment from 1999 to 2005. The actor's rejection of the deal (at least until he showed up with $5 million in personal checks on the day of his sentencing) set the attorneys up to have their historic cake and eat it, too.

And to hear Bernhoft and Barnes tell it, it's a delicious cake; if only there were government-stiffing action stars in their native Milwaukee to share it with. Next stop: Malibu, where they've already roped in Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis, who faces 10 years in prison if convicted next spring of felony tax evasion. And from there? The gutter is apparently the limit:

“If you’re an oligarch in Moscow, you need a driver and a bodyguard,” Barnes says. “If you’re a mogul in Hollywood, you need a consigliere. That’s what we will be.” [...]

Barnes predicts that within 18 months, high-end California clients will make up half the firm’s business; in three years, he says, that portion will be two-thirds. Whereupon the firm’s epicenter will shift from a warehouse in Milwaukee to a deck in Malibu. “We want it to be like the patio in Boston Legal,” Barnes says, citing the TV series about stogie-savoring, nightcap-drinking litigators who often retire to a rooftop patio to mull their cases.

Clearly these men are newcomers to town, but at least they have a specialty. And that's all a couple old whores need in the end, anyway. Welcome to Hollywood!

• Hollywood or Bust! [Portfolio]

NBC is staying mum about the new season of 'The Apprentice,' but Hollyscoop.com has learned exclusively that 'Girls Gone Wild' creator Joe Francis has been added to the lineup.

"I’m doing celebrity apprentice," Francis told Hollyscoop backstage at the Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew.

Earlier this week Donald Trump told Ryan Seacrest that he's been getting calls from stars that want to revive their career. So far it's rumored that Khloe Kardashian, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Dennis Rodman are going to join Donald's hit show.

Can Francis hope to out-lech last season's contestant Gene Simmons, or will a jailhouse conversion have made him the next Stephen Baldwin? One thing's for sure: we can't wait to see Francis flash those baby teeth at Joan Rivers and Kim Kardashian, convincing them to romp together on a leather couch in a sapphic matchup that's most assuredly of legal age.

• Joe Francis To Join Celebrity Apprentice [Hollyscoop]

The complaint even introduces his case by saying his injustice is the same kind of tale that "Nina Simone sang about; William Faulkner wrote about it; historians teach about it."

...Francis got in trouble when his film crew taped 17-year-old women in Panama City in 2003. He claims they entrapped him by pretending to be 18 or older.

He was sued by the parents in Florida and wound up in Judge Richard Smoak's courtroom. Francis says that Smoak was a "long time friend and decade-long former law partner" of Ross McCloy, whose firm represented not only the parents, but previously the Panama City government in a civil suit brought by Francis.

The complaint can hardly contain Francis' disgust at this development: "Imagine if a person in a dispute with a businessman chose their long-time personal friend and business associate to 'independently judge' the dispute with the businessman. Such a claim wouldn't work in a 3rd grade classroom..."

Although, if it would, could someone please let Francis know? He's heard those 3rd-grade girls are hella easy! In all seriousness, what Nina Simone songs or Faulkner quotations could possibly measure up to this injustice? Can there be anything in the arts that could hope to hold a candle to the saga of an oppressed, well-hung porn king sentenced to prison and poop-scooping?

• Joe Francis Complaint Alleges Panama City Judge and Former Law Partners Gone Wild [THR, Esq.]

Dressed in what appear to be Hooters-esque short shorts and shockingly wearing a bra underneath her wifebeater, Ashley proves she's got the moneymaker to win over the hearts and hard-ons of future men in power with her flashy dance moves. But we have to wonder: if Francis was allegedly locked up for featuring underage girls in his vacation house-producing franchise, doesn't this "score" on his part just add fuel to the illegal fire? TMZ reportedly spoke to Dupre's lawyer, who claims she was indeed only 17 when this footage was taken, but Francis is fighting back by stating that no "sexual contact" was involved, and that Dupre voluntarily strutted her stuff, making the legal murkiness moot. Nevertheless, if we had just been released from prison, it would take a heck of a lot more than video clips of a homewrecking hooker revealing body parts we've seen on his tapes millions, er, dozens of times to risk a visit back to the clinger.

• ASHLEY DUPRE'S GIRLS GONE WILD VIDEO WILL BE RELEASED [Us]
• ASHLEY DUPRE GONE 'WILD' - LEGAL OR JAILBAIT? [TMZ]

After having reviewed the overwhelming evidence, readers are then invited to vote on whose side they take. We're sure the poll will start posting the results once they tip in Francis's favor; but for now, you'll simply have to settle for a message offering, "Thanks for voting!" and the knowledge that you've done your mouse-clicking part to free the Pied Piper of Drunken Second-Guessing Exhibitionists.

• You Be The Judge [MeetJoeFrancis.com]

Unfortunately, the headline we've spotlighted above is merely a bait-and-switch tactic to get you to read a press release about the site and Francis's legal troubles, dashing our hopes that we'd get some rare expert analysis from someone with extensive courtroom experience related to his bad experiences with women.

• Phil Spector Walks Free: Joe Francis Still Held Without Bail [biz.yahoo]
• Previously: Jailbound Joe Francis Keeping Busy With Web-Based Image-Rehaul Campaign [Defamer]

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

As most of you know, for nearly the past six months I have been in jail. What you may not know is the full story of why. I have patiently maintained my silence during my stay in jail because I believed in the American judicial process. I am sad to say that in recent months, this belief has begun to erode. The system that I believed would protect and exonerate me has instead been used in far more troubling ways.

Since this ordeal began, most of you have contacted me to ask if there was anything you could to do help. I greatly appreciate your kind expressions of love and support. Now there is something you can do, which may be very helpful to me. Please click on the link below to read a full account of my legal situation. I'm sure that once you learn the story for yourself and understand the circumstances that have brought me to this point, you'll be as outraged as I am. The scariest thing about my situation is not that it's happening to someone you know, but that it could just as easily happen to you. I never expected my life to be a cautionary tale, but if revealing the truth behind my circumstances can help one other person avoid being grievously mishandled by the justice system, then it is worth telling.

I hope you will forward this link to your contact list, encourage your friends to read it and ask them to pass it along further.

• [meetjoefrancis.com]

Open letters are all the rage. Candy Spelling has written several (to Paris Hilton and Joe Frances [sic]) and posted them on TMZ.com. I feel the time has come for Candy, our nation's conscience, to retire to her wrapping room with a bottle of pinot and write one to Amy Fisher.

I was at CBS when the story was white hot...I was assigned the plum Buttafuoco-beat for the morning show and spent quality time in Mary Jo's living room as she showed me x-rays of her head. Later that wonderful Massapequa morning, I stopped to get my driver's license photo taken at a Long Island DMV. I still have the same photo (with early-90's ponytail, oy vey) and I think of Mary Jo fondly every time I whip out my driver's license. I was always on team-Mary Jo. [...]

I actually don't think sicking [sic] Candy Spelling on her is bad enough punishment...Candy, please put pen to paper. Your words might give us strength at our time of need.

It's rare that one feels palpable outrage from the affable Andy, who chooses his battles wisely, such as the time he called for Jessica Simpson's deployment to Iraq, because "she sucks." However, having once donned a ponytail and personally provided early 90s, touchy-feely advice to the innocent victim of the L.I. Lolita scandal ("I want you to reach deep within you, Mary Jo, to find the inner child who wasn't shot in the head at point blank range by her husband's teenage lover, leaving her incapacitated in a wheelchair..."), we can easily see how Andy felt compelled to angrily address the sociopathic famewhores' rekindled romance, by openly nominating Candy Spelling to write something on the topic.

• Open Letter to Amy Fisher [Andy's Blog]

A federal judge Monday sentenced the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" empire to 35 days in prison and fined him $5,000 after he pleaded guilty to a criminal contempt charge. [...]

"We're disappointed Joe was convicted on one of the charges, but at least the end of this ordeal is in sight," Jan Handzlik, Francis' attorney, said in a statement. "It's pretty unusual for a businessman to be shackled, jailed and held in solitary confinement, all stemming from his failure to mediate and settle a civil case."

Francis could have received as much as six months in federal custody. He has already served 14 days of his sentence.

With three weeks left, a repentant and nearly rehabilitated Francis (some reports have him "blowing his nose and wiping away tears" during the verdict, with Handzlik describing him as a "different man") will likely spend the remainder of his current sentence inspiring his fellow inmates to reach higher, holding entrepreneurial seminars in the facility's newly dedicated Joe Francis Library before dismissing his rapt minions to feast upon the educational and soul-nourishing contents of its world class collection of masterpieces pulled from the Girls Gone Wild video canon.

• 'Gone Wild' creator gets prison sentence [LAT]

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

"I didn't do anything," he told his parents as he was led away, The News Herald of Panama City reported.

Francis, 34, was charged with bribing a public servant, three counts of possessing a controlled substance and five counts of introducing contraband cash and drugs into a detention facility. The charges are third-degree felonies punishable by up to five years in prison.

For those keeping score, 16 pills were confiscated, including lorazepam for anxiety and Lunesta, ensuring that no giant, glow-in-the-dark butterflies are going to sail through Francis's barred window, landing gently on his uncomfortable jail-issue pillow to relieve him from his sleepless nights in lockdown. All the kingpin's men are falling, too: Francis's business partner Scott Barbour was charged with having supplied him with the contraband items, and is scheduled for his first court appearance on Friday—though none of their troubles have yet been updated on the "Legal Fuckage" section of their full-service Mantra Films corporate website.

• New Charges for Girls Gone Wild Founder [ABCNews/AP]

Numbers that set off a red flag for the IRS: round numbers, dollar amounts without decimals... and deductions consisting of the same number repeated over and over again.

Like Francis' false insurance claim for $333,333.33.

He also claimed $500,000.00, and $1,666,666,67 deductions. Ask any accountant. Those are damn stupid numbers.

Look at a receipt in your wallet. Did that coffee cost $1.11? Or $1.00? It was probably more like $1.28.

The same goes for your deductions. Let's face it, most of us don't keep every receipt, but when you're slightly fudging a number from memory, at least make it look right. — BEN POPKEN

Federal Tax Rap for "Girls Gone Wild" Boss [The Smoking Gun]

"Girls Gone Wild" bad boy Joe Francis has allegedly been found with pills in his Florida jail cell — and the reason he got caught is because he allegedly tried to bribe a guard for a bottle of water with a $100 bill on Wednesday night.

Now, Francis could face charges of introduction of contraband into a correctional facility, which is a felony, and possession of a controlled substance, as first reported by The County Press of Bay County, Fla.

It's yet another difficult lesson for Francis, who, still learning the rules of life on the inside, finds himself having fallen victim to a classic first timer's mistake: That is, assuming that the guards' large, colorful buttons, reading "Ask me about our hard cash for crisp, delicious Arrowhead program!" was a genuine spring water promotion, and not merely a devious method of entrapping gullible newbies.

• Joe Francis' Prison Water-gate [TMZ]
• NEW FRANCIS CHARGES..- MAYBE INCLUDING DRUGS [Country Press]

Joe Francis, the "Girls Gone Wild" founder, was indicted today on federal tax evasion charges for illegally deducting more than $20 million in phony business expenses from his 2002 and 2003 corporate tax returns. According to a two count indictment filed in U.S. District Court in Reno, Nevada, Francis, 34, sought to conceal income through the use of offshore companies and nominees.

At one point, he transferred $15 million from one offshore bank account to a California brokerage account in the name of a Cayman Islands corporation he controlled...If convicted of the federal charges, he faces a maximum of 10 years in prison and fines of up to $500,000.

The Feds couldn't be more proud of their catch, having issued a press release today touting the indictment that features the kind of overenthused P.R. phrasing usually reserved for announcements of the "C-Level Actress Loves Slipping Into the Crappy Clothing She Bought At Our Store!"-variety. To their credit, however, this is the kind of haul that only comes when various branches of law enforcement and government work in seamless harmony in pursuit of their man, though a special tip of the hat is due to the lone IRS employee who first noticed the red flag on Francis's tax return of a $5 million deduction for a subscription to Fully Clothed, Teetotaling Honor Students Quarterly Review, a periodical which turned up in none of their databases.

• Federal Tax Rap for "Girls Gone Wild" Boss [TSG]