1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

1.) Moms and Their Boxed Wine
After staging an intervention for her son, this woman's family then staged one for her over her Xanax addiction. She didn't want to go to rehab because of the its strict no-alcohol policy.

2.) Does Joan Rivers realize that perhaps she's gone too far with the cosmetic procedures?

3.) Did you like the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion shows?

But it sucks that they never revealed what exactly Danielle "tried" to do to Dina that Caroline was freaking out about. From the way Caroline told it, Danielle took a hit out on her. But that doesn't seem realistic. Danielle sort of hinted at what it might on her blog:

I had no idea at the time what "disgraceful" acts she was referring to. I only found out later what she was talking about, from someone in her own family. I simply gave a phone number to her ex brother-in-law to contact proper people with questions that he had concerning something that was absolutely none of my business. I was asked to give this information to him.

4.) Cop Without a Badge Guy Talks
Danielle's ex-husband, Kevin Maher, who gave up all the dirt on her in "The Book" was on The Insider talking about how Danielle is "a bisexual." She didn't really deny it though.

5.) Promise Piercings
Kids are expressing their love for each other in new and different ways, like piercings…

…And emails.

6.) More Kid Stuff
NYC Prep was alright, but not great, IMO. But I did really like this girl, who is friends with one of the cast members, but not part of the cast herself. She's down town/to earth.

She seems tipsy.

And I love the way she communicates.

7.) Snoop's Statement On Michael Jackson

8.) Snoop Getting Off The Phone




9.) Larry King And "My daddy, P. Daddy"

10.) Reading: With Kathie Lee & Hoda

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

Boomp3.com

Lost castaway Evangeline Lilly returned to the mainland to participate the 60th Annual Emmy Awards on Sunday night. As she walked the luxurious red carpet, Lilly was asked if she ever thought about getting any plastic surgery in the future. Lilly chuckled slightly, then demonstrated what her face may look like if she got the Joan Rivers special. In a cruel twist of fate, Rivers happened to be watching the ceremony through her crystal ball and summoned up a few evil spirits in order to cast a spell that froze Lilly's face that like for a week. Lilly mumbled as she walked, “That Joan Rivers serves a cold and bitter dish of revenge. The make up call times that I'm going to need to fix this hex aren’t going to be fun, either.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

A. Joan Rivers

B. Andy Dick

C. Grazerhead

NBC is staying mum about the new season of 'The Apprentice,' but Hollyscoop.com has learned exclusively that 'Girls Gone Wild' creator Joe Francis has been added to the lineup.

"I’m doing celebrity apprentice," Francis told Hollyscoop backstage at the Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew.

Earlier this week Donald Trump told Ryan Seacrest that he's been getting calls from stars that want to revive their career. So far it's rumored that Khloe Kardashian, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Dennis Rodman are going to join Donald's hit show.

Can Francis hope to out-lech last season's contestant Gene Simmons, or will a jailhouse conversion have made him the next Stephen Baldwin? One thing's for sure: we can't wait to see Francis flash those baby teeth at Joan Rivers and Kim Kardashian, convincing them to romp together on a leather couch in a sapphic matchup that's most assuredly of legal age.

• Joe Francis To Join Celebrity Apprentice [Hollyscoop]

Rivers was there as the entertainment as the Citrus Council saluted "Women of Distinction." But Joan evidently didn't distinguish herself with some attendees at the Wednesday night function at Rosen Centre Hotel. We hear that she dropped the f-bomb frequently, called women "whores" repeatedly and sounded off on what the Girls Scouts didn't teach girls.

Rivers cited Paris Hilton, who didn't earn the "wearing panties patch."

While we doubt that Hilton picked up that particular quirk from a stint in the Brownies, we do wonder what it is about famous seventy-somethings who feel compelled to keep dragging Paris Hilton back into the spotlight. People, "she's out of town not bothering anybody, thank God!" As for Joan Rivers, we eagerly look forward to her next bit of uncensored trash talk, delivered from atop the twisty slide of a McDonald's PlayPlace in Needles, California.

• Joan Rivers' insults astound, amuse at fund-raiser for Girl Scouts [Orlando Sentinel]

"I thought there was a seven-second delay," Rivers told MediaGuardian.co.uk. "They earlier showed a picture of a man with an obvious erection under his coat so I thought it would be all right."

"I have won an Emmy, been nominated for a Tony award, done every show and become an icon and when people ask me what is left in my career I have always said I don't know, but I have never been forcibly thrown out of a TV studio. It is another milestone," she added.

However, Rivers said she would still appear on the show again. "In a second. But they didn't give me my goody bag, which I am very upset about," she added.

The full, uncensored outburst is above. (We also enjoyed the nervous denouement, particularly when one co-host awkwardly attempts to move things along to the next topic.) And while Rivers expressed incredulity that the comments elicited hundreds of angry complaints from viewers, when she was shown one e-mail from a mother-of-three from Leeds who was "gob-smacked when that gormless woofter Rivers whinged with 'er grotty loo-mouth on me telly!" she realized just how easily offended they can be on the other side of the pond.

• Joan Rivers thrown off Loose Women for Russell Crowe outburst [Guardian]

Among Joan's finest gems from this podcast:
- "I forgive Katherine Heigl for being so boring on Grey's Anatomy."
- "Johnny Depp is 4'3"."
- Daniel Day Lewis's wife Rebecca Miller looks like she was "gift-wrapped at Macy's."
- "I thought we'd see Hannah's Montana."
- Jessica Alba was "dressed like Barney."
- Nicole Kidman has had so much botox (ahem, Joan?) that she's "hired a young Guatemalan woman to smile for her."
- Viggo Mortensen looks like a "homeless man who walked in by mistake."
- Ellen Page: "Unlike her character in Juno, she ain't gonna score tonight."
- John Travolta "is a chia pet."

And finally, she reserved her harshest criticism for Oscar winner Diablo Cody: "[she] looks like a walking ad for a battered women's shelter."

• JOAN & MELISSA RIVERS' OSCAR 2008 RED CARPET RUNDOWN [Stylelist.com]

What's key about current circumstances is that Joan and Melissa did their internet gig with VH1. That sure makes you wonder: is the music channel planning to get into the red carpet biz? If so, why weren't Joan and Melissa at the Emmys repping VH1? [...]

When I recently asked Joan's PR rep if the Rivers gals will work red carpets for VH1 in the future, she got noticeably nervous and replied: "No comment."

Mother and daughter are long overdue for a triumphant return to Hollywood's crimson thoroughfares, scene of such classic Joan Moments as the Golden Globes at which she barked, "I have two big names here, so could you just wait?" to Will Ferrell, whom she failed to recognize. Whether VH1 can accommodate Joan's long list of needs, however, is another matter, starting with her stubborn insistence that her trailer be stocked with 20 cases of the highest-grade mineral Botox the French Alps has to offer.

• Will Joan and Melissa ever return to the red carpet? [goldderby.latimes.com]

Guess who ELSE auditioned during the same slot? Andy Cohen! Do you smell a conflict of interest? After all, if you're Joan, (or her production company) and the VP of Bravo programming wants to be on your show... and can pretty much cancel or renew the damned thing at his whim - wouldn't there be some pressure to put him on? So this must mean a cast of Joan, Jim, Andy, and for diversity - RuPaul? (Okay, I made up the RuPaul part, but let's not write it off until the announcements are made.)

Cohen sashayed out of the audition, namedropped as many folks as possible in the moments he had before leaving, then breezed out, flip flops and white pants ablazing, as he mentioned something about an overseas trip he had to make. Perhaps he should do less world traveling and more searching for an alternative to airing weekend long marathons of Project Runway. We've seen them ALL already!

True, having an exec saunter in to "audition" for his own network's series might raise some eyebrows, but this is no ordinary TV executive. Cohen's blog has proven that he is a born raconteur—who could forget the one about the Cybill Shepherd pitch meeting turned freeballing, softcore menage-a-trois. And there's always the added hilarity of Cohen coughing the words "TV Guide Channel!" into his fist every time Rivers hogs the spotlight, then catching a glimmer of terror ignite the eyes of her otherwise frozen face.

• TALKING HEAD? [NY Post]

It doesn t take a psychology major, however, to figure out that behind those dead, plastic eyes is a woman with the same needs and wants as all of us. On a recent appearance on Howard Stern s show, Joan admitted that she wasn t above testing the internet dating waters, and in fact had a profile up on Match.com. MySpace user Not a 12 Yr. Old Girl (in fact, a 30-year-old man) plugged in a few key search words ( blond, menopausal, etc.) and came up with what has to be Joan s Match.com profile:

About me and what I m looking for

I ve been told that I am very good looking for my age and am very funny. I have made my living for years as a comedy writer for TV and movies as well as writing one liners for my boss. If I were to meet someone and we clicked, I would be delighted. [ ]

More of Joan's Match.com personal ad after the jump.

My husband died 17 years ago and I recently terminated a 9-year relationship. I have one child and a grandchild who I love very much. I have a lot of friends I travel in snappy circles (my best friend is a Countess ) My life has been and continues to be an amazing adventure.

I love smart men, funny men, elegant men. If I had to choose between Brad Pitt stripped to the waist or an old George Clooney in a dinner jacket, George would win hands down.

She quite unabashedly lists her turn-ons, which include "money, power, and sarcasm," but it's her turn-offs that run towards the more curiously idiosynchratic: "Body piercings, long hair, skinny dipping, thrills, tattoos," all of which throws a pail of cold water on our fantasy of seeing a head-over-heels-in-love Joan on the back of Kid Rock's Harley, heading up a Michigan backroad to his favorite secret bungee-jumping spot.

• Joan Needs Love Too [MySpace.com]
• TELEVISION REVIEW; What's to Discuss if We Can't Talk About Dresses? [NY Times]

Rivers, who begins a tour of England on Friday, was a guest on BBC Radio 4's "Midweek" program with Darcus Howe, a Trinidad-born writer and black activist, and two other guests, including author Jackie Collins. Howe is the subject of a new movie, "Son of Mine," about his relationship with his son, who spent half his youth in Trinidad with his white mother. [...]

After a back-and-forth over the nature of hatred, and a discussion of the film about Howe, the discussion turned angry when Howe tweaked Rivers, referring to "Caribbean children, since black offends Joan."

Rivers exploded.

"How dare you say that! You know nothing about me," Rivers said.

Howe revised his comment to say, "the use of the term black offends you."

"Where the hell are you coming from? You have got such a chip on your shoulder," Rivers said. "Don't you dare call me a racist! I want an apology from you."

Why are you wasting your time reading this partial transcript when you could be listening to the melee here? The fight really kicks in at about the twenty-three minute mark. You might want to turn down your speakers, lest one of your coworkers think that Rivers is loose in your office on a murderous rampage.

• Joan Rivers Gets Into Shouting Match Over Race [LAT]
• BBC Radio 4 Midweek [BBC.co.uk]