Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

While Mad Men is a critical darling and its ratings are growing, it has never been a ratings bonanza for AMC and the pay is notoriously low. And after three seasons of being on "TV's best show," the siren song of more lucrative TV and movie roles may be irresistible. Plus, the way that series creator Matthew Weiner left things — Sterling Cooper as we knew it is dissolved, newly formed Sterling Cooper Draper Price may make it out of the Pierre Hotel, and Don's marriage is effectively over — almost any any character could be easily written out. So it would not be surprising if some of the regular characters disappear entirely from the show by next summer with nothing but a line of dialogue — "Oh, Peggy couldn't stand working next to Pete and Duck hired her after three weeks" — and a guest appearance or two.

Here your betting guide for who's coming back as a regular for Mad Men's fourth series, from most likely to call-your-agent.

Don Draper
Played By: Jon Hamm
Last We Saw Him: Lording over his new kingdom in a hotel room.
Why Stay: There wouldn't be a show without him.
Why Leave: After a great guest spot on 30 Rock, Hamm is getting more attention than anyone in the cast, for drama as well as comedy. He's also involved in several upcoming movies like Howl, The Town, and Sucker Punch.
Odds of Returning: 1: 1,000,000 (come on, there's no Mad Men without Don Draper)

Peggy Olsen
Played By: Elizabeth Moss
Last We Saw Her: Working for Don at the new firm.
Why Stay: She's a fan favorite with a great role and her character is on solid ground at the new firm.
Why Leave: To be a movie star! She's come a long way since her days on The West Wing. Between this an a well-regarded turn on Broadway opposite sushi-poisoned Jeremy Piven in Speed The Plow, now may be her time.
Odds of Returning: 1: 500

Roger Sterling
Played By: John Slattery
Last We Saw Him: Don's new best friend and business partner.
Why Stay: Roger gets all the ladies, funny lines, and best bits. Who doesn't want to play the scene stealer. Plus, Slattery and Hamm are besties.
Why Leave: There will be plenty of work for a veteran character actor like Slattery—work that probably pays a lot better.
Odds of Returning: 1:200

Pete Campbell
Played By: Vincent Kartheiser
Last We Saw Him: Don's new protege at the new firm.
Why Stay: He has a nice juicy, high-profile role that's far better than anything else he'll land.
Why Leave: He doesn't have a good reason.
Odds of Returning: 1: 100

Joan Holloway
Played By: Christina Hendricks
Last We Saw Her: The new office queen of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: Because if she doesn't, we will slit our wrists.
Why Leave: Holloway is a sexy lady who has been on the fringes of TV for awhile. She may see this as her break. She's in next winter movie Life as We Know It, and she has proven to have the looks and the talent to anchor a TV show of her own.
Odds of Returning: 1: 75

Trudy Campbell
Played By: Alison Brie
Last We Saw Him: Delivering a cake in a wonderful red bucket hat.
Why Stay: Who else is going to nudge Pete in the right direction. And we need someone to show off retro fashions.
Why Leave: This isn't the biggest role, unless she and Pete get an upgrade.
Odds of Returning: 1:50

Harry Crane
Played By: Rich Sommer
Last We Saw Her: Eating one of Trudy's sandwiches at Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: He was saved by this plot twist, which means the writers have something in store for him.
Why Leave: Harry never gets to do much of anything, not even supporting character zany. He may want to stretch his legs.
Odds of Returning: 1: 10

Betty Draper
Played By: January Jones
Last We Saw Her: On the plane to Reno to get a divorce from Don with her future ex-husband Henry.
Why Stay: Because it would be great fun to watch Betty get tortured some more.
Why Leave: She has every reason to leave. Betty's storyline is at an obvious stopping point, at least as featured character. January Jones has been making the PR push, putting her boobs on GQ, hosting Saturday Night Live, and attaching herself to a number of projects. She also has a part in the upcoming Pirate Radio, so it certainly looks like she's planning a busy schedule away from Mad Men
Odds of Returning: 1:5

Sally, Bobby, and Gene Draper
Played By: Kiernan Shipka, Jared Gilmore, some baby
Last We Saw Them: On the couch with Carla being dazed by the TV.
Why Stay: They're kids. What, would they rather go to like real school? Also, they're Don's kids. You can't just erase them.
Why Leave: Or can you? If Betty leaves for good (maybe she and Henry settle in Reno and open a casino?) the kids go with her. And Bachelor Don is going to have plenty of babes to play with.
Odds of Returning: 3:1

Ken Cosgrove
Played By: Aaron Staton
Last We Saw Him: Left at the former Sterling Cooper, but as head of accounts.
Why Stay: A steady job—albeit a small part and, hey, maybe the writers need a way to a character to demonstrate life inside soulless McCann-Erickson.
Why Leave: Staton would be bummed to be cut, but it'd be really easy for him to go off and finally become a novelist.
Odds of Returning: 5:1

Bert Cooper
Played By: Robert Morse
Last We Saw Him: Keeping the sofa warm at his newest ad agency.
Why Stay: As an older gentleman, just like Cooper, if Morse leaves, there isn't going to be much work for him elsewhere. At least not with this high a profile.
Why Leave: He may not have a choice. Cooper doesn't do all that much, and when they need a big shock, it will be easy to give him a stroke/heart attack/Japanese armor accident at any time.
Odds of Returning: 10:1

Paul Kinsey
Played By: Michael Gladis
Last We Saw Him: Wishing Don had taken him instead of Peggy.
Why Stay: There's not much else for him on the horizon.
Why Leave: We have a feeling he doesn't want to, but if we're looking to streamline the cast, his peripheral character is an easy cut.
Odds of Returning: 75: 1

Sal Romano
Played By: Brian Batt
Last We Saw Him: Calling his wife from a pay phone before cruising the after he was fired from Sterling Cooper.
Why Stay: Well, he is effectively gone, but the way his storyline ended, he always seemed like he'd be back for more. Plus his "gay in the closet" storyline has tons of ways it could play out and lots of modern day implications.
Why Leave: He is already gone. Don could rehire him, but their main client is American Tobacco, the company that had him fired in the first place, so that seems about as likely as a Judy Garland Resurrection Tour.
Odds of Returning: 100 : 1 (but we really want him back!)

Scientology refugee Marc Headley has written a book called Blown For Good—featuring a dramatic, action-scene-type cover—detailing his 15 years of work inside Scientology. The Village Voice interviewed him about his 1990 "auditing" session performed by Days of Thunder-era Tom Cruise himself.

"You do a lot of things with a book and a bottle," Headley says. "It's known as the book-and-bottle routine." Cruise, he says, would instruct Headley to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or otherwise to move somewhere.

"You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too," he says. "You tell the ashtray, 'Sit in that chair.' Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours."

This was supposed " to get your intention over to the bottle...to rehabilitate your ability to control things." Well then. Tom Cruise can control books and bottles with his mind and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Headley also says that there are only about 10,000 Scientologists in the whole world. They could be whupped by the Unitarians!
[Village Voice. Pic by Richard Blakeley]

In an entry in a blog devoted to chronicling the development of his new film that apparently involves the moon, the Bourne Identity helmer let slip that that old "process" thing that has been used by generations of Hollywood enablers to excuse all sorts of psychotic behavior might just be, you know, creativity aside, a bunch of excuses used by megalomaniac directors and actors excuses to get away with shoving their hands down the crew's pants.

Liman himself is no stranger to taking full advantage of a directors perogatives. During the shooting of Bourne he was by his own admission, "flippant," difficult and suspicious of anything the studio did or said," moving the shoot from Montreal to Paris at least partially on the justification that it would give him a chance to practice his college french. Despite the massive success of the first Bourne film, Liman was not summoned back to direct its sequel.

Blogging now about the problem of getting adequate sleep during production, Liman tells the story of an unnamed director who made up for his missing hours at night by napping on the set, including sleeping through the climactic action scene of his film. He goes on from that point:

A hilarious thing about the movie business is that you can get away with anything as long as you call it "process." Literally, anything. I mean, he's sound asleep! The director is literally sound asleep on set - what the hell's going on here? Well, he's slept through his last three movies, and they were huge hits. It's how he works; that's his "process." He'll wake up at some point and give notes, but for now, let him catch a few Zs. I haven't been in the business that long, but at this point I can't think of a single outrageous behavior that I haven't seen occur on set and then heard excused as someone's process.

I have a friend who was directing his first feature film, and the actor who's starring in it came up to the director, my friend, and said: "Just to let you know from the beginning, I'm going to be stoned in my trailer every morning and all day long. But before anyone panics, I've been stoned in every movie I've been in, and I was stoned when I auditioned for you. You've basically never seen me when I'm not stoned. The guy that you've cast is basically stoned, so don't be alarmed that I'm in my trailer getting stoned."

Then there's the director who was known for fondling P.A.'s in the video village. Explicitly fondling them - putting his hands down the pants of P.A.s in the video village in front of everybody. And what did the studio do? They built a tent so no one could see. They created a private little video village for him so they wouldn't get sued for sexual harassment by the rest of the crew.

Of course, now that Liman has publicly revealed this, there won't be a director in Hollywood who wont demand a PA-fondling-ready Video Village be included in his contract. Doug Liman has just cost Hollywood millions in tenting fees.

But the way Fox wants you to think of it is, apparently, as a mid-to-low end strip club that is very welcoming of lady clientele.

The network's "edgy" new redband promo (below) features the whole Fox gang, including the stars of House, Bones, Lie to Me and Fringe out for a night watching women disrobe down to their underwears. It's an interesting piece of positioning; many networks attempt to subliminally communicate that "if you watch our shows we will provide you with low cost sex," but generally they get this message across by working cheerleaders washing cars and high-price brothels into their plot lines and using the flimsiest excuses possible to put models into bikinis. Few just come out and say, Hey, we're a very affordable strip club!

And what about the ladies in the audience? What's in it for them? Well as the promo demonstrates, everyone can have fun watching women take their clothes off. Fringe's Anna Torv almost gets to make out with a stripper! And the Bones cast get to revive their old favorite geek joke reference to the Broken Cowgirl position.

"No shirts. No shoes. No problemo" read the closing credits, and from now on, when I want to party naked, it's going to be straight to Fox for me.

Some details Gawker has exclusively learned:

• Letterman had a cadre of female assistants who fell heavily on the young and attractive side of the ledger. He was said to employ as not less than three of these Special Assistants to the Host last year. The assistant tally however, was said to have climbed as high as five at moments.

• The scuttlebutt on the set had it that current assistant-in-question, Stephanie Birkitt, received extra compensation for duties as his First Assistant, in the form of Letterman picking up the tab for her graduate law studies at the Yeshiva University Law School.

• Birkitt's duties included nannying work around the office. She could often be seen playing with his son and chasing him through the office halls.

• Birkitt also frequently appeared on air, playing the part of Dave's assistant in sketches and often delivering prizes to audience members in constants. Dave favored Birkitt with playful nicknames in these moments such as "Vicky" "Kitty" and "Dutch."

• Each Valentines Day, Letterman sent lavish, expensive bouquets of flowers to each and every non-male on the Late Show staff with a handwritten note signed "Your Friend Dave."

• Eyebrows were raised around the office by Letterman's long-delayed marriage to the mother of his now five year old son, whom had has been dating since 1986 and to whom he tied the knot only this year.

Q: Who is this old dude anyway?
A: Roman Polanski's is one of most colorful lives of the 20th Century. A young Jewish boy when the Nazis invaded Poland, he managed to survive the war, hiding out while his parents were deported to concentration camps. Becoming an internationally celebrated filmmaker in his 20's, Polanski defected from his native Poland to seek artistic freedom in the west. In France and later in the US, he became a noted international playboy and directed a run of still classics that included Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown. After settling down and marrying actress Sharon Tate however, his long-denied domestic bliss was interrupted when Charles Manson's apostles murdered his very pregnant young wife. Polanski's post-Tate period witnessed a return to his international playboy ways, an epoch ended by his arrest for rape in 1977.

Q: What was he accused of?
A: The LA District Attorney charged Polanski with luring a thirteen year old aspiring actress/model to Jack Nicholson's home, drugging and anally raping her.

Q: Was the girl Justine Bateman?
A: No! But this was an urban legend for many years. The victim's name is in fact Samantha Geimer who has since spoken to the press about her experience, including today expressing her wishes that Polanski be punished no further.

Q: What happened with his trial?
A: As detailed in a recent documentary, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, the trial was a circus that makes the OJ case look like a model of jurisprudence. A judge in love with the spotlight ran the case in circles while seemingly allowing every day's headlines to dictate his rulings. Ultimately, Polanski allowed himself to be jailed for 90 days to undergo psychiatric evaluation on the understanding that this time served would constitute the bulk of his punishment. When it appeared, however, that the judge was on the brink of reneging on this promise and Polanski was facing a much longer imprisonment, he fled the country.

Q: What has he done since fleeing the U.S.?
A: Since fleeing in 1978, Polanski has lived in France where he has continued to work as a director, making big budget films—such as Frantic, staring Harrison Ford—in cooperation with American film companies. His career went through a rough patch in the '80s and '90s after a series of tepid misfires (eg. Pirates). He recently, however, has had a bit of a comeback winning from afar the Academy Award for The Pianist, a film inspired by his own adventures hiding out from the Nazis.

Q: Why haven't we brought him back before?
A: Since defecting from Poland, Polanski has held French citizenship and France's extradition treaty with the US forbids sending us their own citizens. Since fleeing, he has been careful not to venture to countries which might send him back. According to the LA Times, U.S. Marshals have come close to nabbing Polanski half a dozen times when he traveled in recent years, but "for one reason or another, it just didn't work out."

Q: Why are the Europeans making such a fuss over this now?
A: In France in particular, Polanski symbolizes much of the cultural war between the U.S. and Europe, with the director cast in the role of urbane free-spirited intellectual, hunted down and persecuted by the bigoted, close-minded xenophobic Americans. There is certainly truth on both sides. Prejudice played a big role in how Polanski was viewed during his trial and even after the murder of his wife, he was shamefully portrayed in many press accounts as bizarre outsider figure who was somehow responsible for the slayings. However, be that as it may, drugging and raping a 13 year old girl ain't tiddlywinks.

Q: Isn't it kinda weird that this is happening the week after the first of his wife's murderers dies?
A: Yes, it is, but such is the roller-coaster ride of the life of Roman Polanski.

This YouTube video came via a tipster who writes, "Hi; I'm not sure how this works, but I got this footage from the set of Entourage the other day. Matt Damon was directing a PSA starring Adrian Grenier and he flips out on Adrian in front of everyone! [It] even shows Jeremy Piven as he tries to keep the peace - but Matt totally loses his cool and goes off."

We, on the other hand, are pretty sure how this works: Have a Hollywood star do a cameo playing himself on your Hollywood-focused TV show so he can promote his charity, incorporate an ego-driven blow-up on the set of a PSA into the plot, make a fun, shaky little video of said blow-up, put it on YouTube, and send it to gullible blogs claiming that it depicts a real on-set blow-up, which blogs will write about it and drive traffic to it in advance of the show's season finale featuring the Hollywood star.

What the hell, we'll bite. It's Friday. Also, go give money to OneXOne.org, because it looks like a fine little shop. But whatever you do, please stop watching Entourage.

Broadcasting & Cable brings the joyous news: Our long national nightmare may be drawing to a close. If only we can re-open this investigation.

"The evidence in this case strongly suggests that CBS had access to video delay technology at the time of the 2004 Super Bowl," the commission said Tuesday in a brief to the Third Circuit Appeals Court in the Janet Jackson Super Bowl Reveal case. The FCC asked the court to remand the decision back to the FCC so it could investigate further its assertion that the violation was "willful."

If a TV network can fudge answers to a governmental body about the availability of time delay technology in a Super Bowl halftime show and get away with it after just a five year investigation, are we really a nation, at all?

The great celebrity profilers of today never stop striving for greatness. And depth. When Esquire's Mike Sager sat with his Muse of the Month, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, suddenly everything he learned in creative writing seminar came rushing back.

At the sight of Cornish sipping boba, the inner Keats that lives in every great journalist, wrested the keyboard from Sager's hand and composed the following ditty (poetical spacing ours):

She drinks Asian "bubble tea"
from a plastic cup,
compliments
of her publicist.

There are tapioca pearls at
the bottom;
they rise
in single file
through an overlarge straw,

her lips the naked pink
of an ingenue.

Last year, Lohan put her personal contact info on her Facebook page, and it circled around the internet for just about anyone to call her. Someone figured out her voicemail password (it wasn't hard, it was 1234) and Animal New York posted a sample of the aural delights found there, and it's not pretty.

Sure, there are a few drunk people saying retarded things, but even worse are all the people trying to get something out of her: a party promoter who wants her to host a gig that her girlfriend Samantha Ronson is DJing; a girl who wants to "have coffee" because she's "DJ, like Samantha Ronson" and then leaves her MySpace address; and her father, who just wants a call back.

Actually the saddest part is when Michael Lohan says that he went to hang out with Lindsay's siblings, but they didn't want to see him. Instead, he went to 7-11 and bought a copy of Lindsay's CD and is driving around listening to it. He even holds up the phone so we can hear. Yeah, cause that's what is going to make your daughter like you, knowing that you purchased her magnum opus from a roadside convenience store for $7.99?

This is the torture that must lead the starlet to her misbehavior. Oh, Lindsay, it is a sad and lonely life you lead, but this is why God invented publicists. They take all the shitty calls you don't want!

And we weren't the only ones to fall in love. About 7 million people tuned in for the show, which is about on par with Fox's biggest season debut from last season, Fringe, and the first episode of CBS' latest procedural jewel, The Mentalist.

Like the mix tapes you made back in high school, it's obvious that the songs in this hour aren't chosen arbitrarily, but are meant to show off the fleshy, angsty heart that lies inside this tortured body. So let's press play and see what our new boyfriend wants to tell us about what's going on inside his soul. It probably has something to do with sex and spilled protein shakes, but we'll love it no matter what.

"Le Freak":
Sure, there are more freaks at McKinley High School than a serial killer's convention, but we think the song has more to do with the lyric, "Aaaawwww, freak out!" There were plenty of freak outs, including the Glee kids getting nervous about performing in front of the school, Will freaking out that he won't get 12 kids and have enough members to compete in regionals, Rachel freaking out and telling the boys of the chastity club that girls want sex too, the boys freaking out at the news, and Sue Sylvester freaking out that Glee kids used the Cheerios copy machine and about their ribald performance, saying that it was the most offensive thing she'd ever seen, "and that includes an elementary school production of Hair." Already a classic.

Our favorite was Emma freaking out when Will puts chalk dust on her nose. Yes, the neatnik has a major jones on for Will. In fact, she loves him so much that she was willing to let him sully her face with chalk dust. The two seconds she spent dirty, you could see her in anguish, both waiting for his kiss and waiting for him to wipe it off. He only did one, and that caused her biggest freak out yet.

"Gold Digger":
This was blatantly a reference to Will's wife Terri. Too bad she's digging for gold in a barren mine. She wants a new house and a lush life for herself and the family, but is only willing to work 4 shifts a week at Sheets and Things. How long before she ends up playing beard for that pot-selling former music teacher? He seems to be the only one rolling in the dough.

Ken is also looking to improve his station by romancing Emma. He's not trying to cash in, but the lonely guy just wants a lady to love him (and not just until the "sex fizzles out"). His heart may be in the right place, but his scheming makes him more like the female in the song than an upstanding man worthy of Emma.

A less conspicuous gold differ is Principal Figgins, who gets a glimpse of the talent behind the Glee Club and decides to give them some money for new uniforms. Is this just a sign of romance to come?

"Push It":
We love sad, misunderstood Rachel, but she is always pushing her own agenda. She's using the literal dirty message of this song to push everyone into liking Glee. At the beginning of the hour, she tells rival Quinn that her stock is going up every day, thanks to the club. It's a great delusion, but she might be able to make it true. Too bad Will has a freak out and puts her in a place after the horny number she puts on stage.

Rachel is just like Terri, who also is so selfish that she can only see what's best for her, and controls Will with backhanded methods just as badly as Rachel does. Just wait until he finds out about Terri's secret.

Quinn is also trying to control a man when she joins Glee, After all the popular cheerleader is already a miniature Sue Sylvester ("without her bone structure"). She might have ended up with Finn at the end of the episode, but she's going to need to continue pushing herself into his new life if she wants to keep the football captain happy.

"Say A Little Prayer For You":
This song really has little to do with Quinn's bid to get into Glee and more about Terri's pregnancy, which she has literally prayed into existence. Who knew that we'd have to watch Glee to get a good old-fashioned Melrose Place gem like the hysterical pregnancy. Too bad Terri's going to keep throwing that Hail Mary instead of fessing up that she's not pregnant.

Poor Finn is only praying to be able to grind with a girl without "erupting." His "imagine running over the mailman" technique seems to be working wonders. We'd employ it ourselves if it wouldn't make us think about Finn, who is dreamy beyond words.

But really this whole episode was about longing for things that you can't have because of either prior commitments or social constraints. Do you think Will and Emma and Rachel and Finn wouldn't get together if it weren't for that pesky wife and that Finn would be a total outcast if he started dating dorky Rachel? Probably not. But then we wouldn't have a show, people!

"Take A Bow":
This song seems like it is about a girl calling out her man for cheating, but it's really about putting on a brave face after a crushing disappointment. In this instance, it's quite literal for Rachel, who thinks that Finn doesn't want to be with her because she's an outcast. It's really much more complicated and sloppy than that, but then isn't high school sex always complicated and sloppy.

Also, poor, poor Emma who lets Ken delude her into thinking she can't do better than him. She knows that Will won't be leaving his wife anytime soon, and instead of pining away, she has decided to raise her chin and lower her standards and to go the Tulipallooza with Ken. Our heart breaks for both these ladies.

But the lady who we love is Sue motherfucking Sylvester! As played by Jane Lynch, the character is like a female Stephen Colbert—the character on his nightly broadcast, not the actor who plays him. She is the biggest fish in the smallest and most inconsequential of ponds and she isn't just going to eat all the guppies, but she is going to make them bow before her first. We would like to think it's all an act, but unfettered ego is so much more fun to watch.

Australian tab New Weekly has a cover with the star looking like she's put on a few pounds. Given all that talk of anorexia a few years ago, you'd think that would be good, right? Wrong! The caption looks forward to the day she gets "healthy." Just last Wednesday Star also did the "Mary-Kate is fat" story, calling her weight gain shocking and saying "bye-bye billion dollar looks, hello bloat."

Star has a long history of railing on Mary-Kate's weight. It started in 2004, when they ran a cover saying she was too thin because of drugs.

They finally believed the actress' claims of anorexia in 2007 (see cover above), but did so by chastising her "stick thin legs" and wondering what is the best way to get her back to health.

Then, in 2008, they did an about face, saying she's headed back to rehab because of drinking and drugs.

There are really only six stories in a gossip glossy: diet (either too skinny or too fat), drugs, boyfriends, weddings, pregnancy and deaths. So just wait, they're soon going to say that the "bloat" is from drugs or bulimia or pregnancy or (gasp) all three! Maybe if everyone wasn't so obsessed with what she's eating, her weight would even itself out naturally. Why not go after Jonah Hill. He's overweight and probably much more in danger of a heart attack than Mary-Kate is in danger of anything other than wearing a bad outfit.

Bad mothers are like unhappy families, no two are alike, but they are all a whole lot of fun to watch. Not only do they propel several televisions shows, but they will create fucked up kids, and without fucked up kids, where are we going to get our artists, serial killers, fameballs, and future Rock of Love cast members? Here's to the women who are more about lies, drugs, and promiscuity rather than homework, bed times, and grounding.

Nancy Botwin
Why She's Bad: She's an unstable drug dealer who is more concerned with keeping herself alive and getting laid than her children's well being.
Worst Parenting Moment: Younger son Shane gets shot when a Mexican drug cartel tries to execute Nancy.
Reasons to Love Her: She knows how to keep things interesting, and she's populated her children's lives with a cast of memorable characters. And she lets her kids drink, do drugs, and have sex while inappropriately young. She's going to be a great subject for Silas' memoir.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Shane, an alcoholic, masochistic teenage killer.
Fun Scale: 9
Mother's Day Present: Starbuck's gift certificate.

Susan Meyer
Why She's Bad: This desperate housewife pays more attention to her love life than her kids. Older daughter Julie was more the voice of wisdom than Susan ever was, or will be.
Worst Parenting Moment: Her young son MJ almost getting killed by a mad man.
Reasons to Love Her: Susan is the mom-as-friend that you always wanted. She would fret and frown and put her foot down, but she'll always let you get away with your dastardly deeds and do whatever you want.
Most Fucked Up Kid: MJ is going to have some serious Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his most recent ordeal.
Fun Scale: 8
Mother's Day Present: A copy of He's Just Not That Into You

Nora Walker
Why She's Bad: She's the type of mother that refuses to see her children's faults and will therefore let them get away with anything, and help them to do it. However, her instincts to meddle are almost unbearable and she's unhealthily involved in her adult children's lives. Like all the other Walker brothers and sisters, she likes to keep secrets.
Worst Parenting Moment: Almost giving recovering addict son Justin a fix.
Reasons to Love Her: Who doesn't want a mom to tell you that you're great no matter what? And if you can't call up your mom to gossip, why bother to call at all.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Unrepentant embezzler Tommy.
Fun Scale: 5
Mother's Day Present: An iPhone.

Betty Draper
Why She's Bad: In a show full of mad men, she's a mad woman; your classic frosty '60s housewife who is June Cleaver on the outside and Sylvia Plath on the inside. Her children are like another accessory in her home, ones she can't connect to emotionally.
Worst Parenting Moment: Locking her kids in the closet, and smoking and drinking (a lot) while pregnant.
Reasons to Love Her: The hair, the clothes, the perfectly-cooked meals. Betty is retro fabulous.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Sally is already a petty theif, but we bet Bobby turns into the funnest coke fiend at Studio 54.
Fun Scale: 3
Mother's Day Present: Valium.

Jackie Peyton
Why She's Bad: She's a drug addict who feels more comfortable on the job than at home. Also, she's leading a double life and having an affair to keep herself in prescription drugs.
Worst Parenting Moment: Getting in a fight at her daughter's tap class.
Reasons to Love Her: She tries to keep things light and interesting, taking her daughters on outings and spoiling them because of her guilt.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Grace, a neurotic mess with an anxiety disorder.
Fun Scale: 6
Mother's Day Present: A new haircut.

Nicki Grant
Why She's Bad: We have no problem with her raising a family in the big love of polygamy, but she lies to and manipulates everyone around her, using her children as pawns. Also, she has such daddy issues of her own that she's barely fit to raise kids.
Worst Parenting Moment: Abandoning her brood to move back to the fundamentalist compound she came from, without telling her kids why she left of when she's coming back.
Reasons to Love Her: Nicki is the kind of trainwreck that is marvelous to behold. And when she's not quoting pat Bible platitudes, she can be dishy and fun.
Most Fucked Up Kid: On a show with this many children, we can barely tell them apart from the others.
Fun Scale: 2
Mother's Day Present: A Topsy-Tail

Initial reports hint at a drug overdose; anonymous sources tell both the New York Post and TMZ that drug paraphernalia was found next to Goldstein's body in his Lafayette Street apartment.

On September 19, 2008, Goldstein and former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker were critically injured in a Learjet crash in South Carolina. Four other people, including the pilot, copilot and two passengers, died in the incident. Second- and third-degree burns to Goldstein's hands and head required three surgeries. In the weeks after the incident, Goldstein told People magazine he was coping with the trauma one day at a time.

A decade or so earlier, Goldstein had attempted suicide amid a struggle with drug addiction before entering recovery and maintaining a sober life for close to 10 years. He also struggled with obesity from a young age and eventually had gastric bypass surgery.

Press accounts have referenced DJ AM's Twitter stream, where the last entry, dated Tuesday, is a reference to a Grandmaster Flash song, reading, "New York, New York. Big city of dreams, but everything in New York ain't always what it seems."

Goldstein had an on-again, off-again relationship with singer Mandy Moore and was once engaged to reality TV star Nicole Richie.

(Pic: Goldstein in June, at the launch of the videogame DJ Hero. Getty.)

When NeNe Laughs, The World Opens Wide

Wide-winged owl caller
hooting through the hollow night,
your screech,
bright and empty
like a blond wig left on its Styrofoam head
cooling as the wearer
languishes.

White-eyed blank stare,
the pupils would dilate in the darkness,
but there are no pupils,
just the
mannequin looking back at me
as your chortle gallops across
the soft palate.

Your noises just like when we sat on the veranda
flower boxes pocking the sidewalk.
You pooh-poohed
the wine
and talked of distant friends
as if they all stood with their knives sharpened.
I make a joke about their eyebrows,
to elicit your
illicit noise,
heady like a humping hyena
deep-bodied,
diaphragmed
and repeated
as if a chuckle could be redemption,
as if a margarita could save us all.

It was bad. It was really bad. It was not bad in the good way. It was not bad ironically. It was not bad in the "Let's go see it because we like to watch bad movies like Knowing, and laugh at them" way. I do not want to say the wrong thing here, that might convince anyone that this movie is worth paying to see, even for train wreck purposes.

This is the movie that happens when a narcissist—not an interesting one, though—writes an entire movie about how cool he is, and is given full creative control over that movie. Imagine someone you know who is an asshole. Now imagine that person being able to write and produce a movie about themselves, and how awesome they are. There you have it.

The plot of this film: Tucker Max and two of his bros go to a bachelor party, meeting various cum sluts along the way. Whore bitches can't get enough of Tucker Max's bad boy personality, which is probably why so many of these twats want him inside of their vaginas. Tucker fucks a midget stripper and the world loves him for it, the end. Other highlights:

• Close-ups of poop, coming out of someone's butt, a lot.
• There's a wedding scene in the end where the guests are all white and the servers are all black. There's not a joke to go with that.
• The best character in the film is Tucker's friend Drew, because he looks like he was just dropped in from another movie, and can't wait to get back. Drew is a misanthropic video game nerd who goes to strip club and meets a hot stripper who is also a video game nerd and falls for him and they rush home and sleep together and Drew instantly bonds with her son and they become a couple immediately. This is as close to a plausible male-female interaction sequence as this movie gets.

This movie is not, in fact, hilarious.
[Pic: Flickr]

Well, you can expect pretty much the same. Heidi will speak with her telephone operator of doom voice, Tim Gunn will gather the kids around, fashion dominatrix Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Elle Marie Claire magazine will say something bitchy, and Michael Kors will cackle his little cackle and all the children will run and hide.

Of course, they are now in L.A. at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising instead of Parsons and there's a new magazine sponsor (way to get fired, Nina!), but they will still shop at Mood and send the models to that palace of beauty, the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Room. Oh, and let us not forget about the All-Star Challenge before the premiere with all of your favorite returning contestants, and the new show Models of the Runway which follows the runway drones do something other than show off the designs. Just what, we're still not sure.

The only variable is always the contestants, who we'll all probably hate tomorrow, except for the ones we love, and we will hate them by the middle of next week.

Speaking of contestants, the finalists' collections were already shown at Fashion Week last February, so the whole world has already seen them (and you can too). There are only three, which means there is no fourth collection to throw off the dogs about who is in and who is out, or in a cruel twist of fate, there are only two finalists and Lifetime has outsmarted us all. We have a hard time believing that.

So, we peeped the looks and compared them to the designer's portfolio's on the show's site and we think we have sussed out just who we're going to be stuck with until the skinny lady sings.

Collection 1: Lots of knits and black pants and leggings. Zero color. There's a bit of inventive draping, but there are also those stupid little gloves that don't even go to the wrist. It belongs to:

Logan Neitzel, lover of John Galliano. He uses the same shiny fabrics, muted colors and over-sized flourishes. Plus, he looks like the kind of boy who would love those stupid gloves.

Collection 2: Lots of draping without a bow, flounce, belt, or asymetrical doo-dad over one shoulder that it doesn't like. It belongs to:

Viviane Westwood wannabe Althea Harper, who uses just as much embellishment and loves something over only one shoulder. Just look at the picture.

Collection 3: It is black like the tortured heart of a poet. There are lots of pants and shredded things. Oh, and stupid hats. It belongs to:

Irinia Shabayeva, who channels Jean Paul Gaultier. She also loves black, and pants and crazy-shaped pants. Though, she does look too fabulous for those hats.