This week, the mags are about 90 percent celebrity weight loss stories and 10 percent entirely made up cover stories about stars who might get married, reproduce, or not reproduce in 2009. Below, we pick out the small bits of gossip sprinkled like confetti throughout the pages of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Us
It's unclear why the mag describes the 28 pages of blathering about celebrity diets as a "bonus" on the cover, since that makes up almost the entire issue. Here's some New Year's Eve advice: If you want to look like Britney or Jennifer Aniston just start eating fish ... and doing two hours of yoga per day. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a "baby weight winner" because she lost 20 lbs by obsessively working out and insisting she has celiac disease. Hef once told Kendra from The Girls Next Door that she was getting fat and suggested she hit the gym. Charming. Here's some actual gossip: After a W magazine photo shoot with model Jesus Luz, Madonna invited the 20-year-old to a party in Brazil where they kissed, hugged, and danced until 5:30am, when they both retired to Madge's hotel room. A source says, "she goes after the youngest, hottest thing around," so it looks like 33-year-old A-Rod is out. Is Drew Barrymore dating Jason Segel? Segel's rep says they're just friends, but at the very least they're friends who make out at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (Standing out in the snow for hours to see the ball drop)

Ok!
Brad "longs to hold another infant" but Ok! theorizes that since Angie reportedly developed preeclampsia and gestational diabetes and had two emergency C-sections, having another biological child would be risky. Brad will have to settle for holding the two six-month-old babies he has at home or the African infant he is possibly adopting. Next: In an interview with the mag Alanis Morisette reveals that she lost 20 lbs by following a vegan diet. The mag says realizing she had gained weight was harder for Alanis to swallow than a "Jagged Little Pill." Sigh. Sort of moving on: Even more diet tips! Ok! suggests if you want to look like the stars you should become a professional dancer like Julianne Hough, breastfeed and have six kids like Angie, or get some plastic surgery like Heidi Montag. We finish with 12-pages of 2009 horoscopes. They advise that if you're a cancer, "the stork could drop by for a visit, especially after October 29." So should we be looking for a baby bump on cancers Ashley Tisdale, Meryl Streep, and Harrison Ford?
Grade: F+ (Having to watch a few minutes of Ryan Seacrest to see the ball drop on TV)

Life & Style
The cover claims they have the first photos of Bronx Mowgli, but it's just that picture Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put online a few days ago. False advertising! Next up, brace yourselves: George Clooney went to dinner with Paris Hilton two nights in a row and an insider says "they definitely plan to get together in the new year." Paris's new BFF came on both "dates" and Ridley Scott and Marvel studios chairman David Maisel were in attendance for the second dinner, so we're hoping for George's sake this was just business. Moving on: K-Fed didn't want to let the boys visit Britney on various stops during her upcoming tour, so Brit invited Kevin to join them. The pair did fall in love on tour, but a friend points out that Kevin's relationship with his bowling teammate is getting pretty serious. Mandy Moore and DJ AM split up again. Finally, the best celebrity weight loss story of the week: "Obama Shapes Up to Be President." An Obama insider describes how the future president shed a few pounds by not having to eat "corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair or ribs in Austin, Texas," like he did on the campaign trail. Yes, there is a shirtless before and after picture. (Fig. 1)
Grade D- (Noisemaker-induced temporary deafness)

Star
Nicole Richie is planning on conceiving a second child, so like most moms-to-be she's taking pre-natal vitamins, dropping her intense vegan diet, and sketching maternity clothes she'll have made for herself. In other news, Katie Holmes spent her 30th birthday alone because Tom Cruise was away promoting Valkyrie. Katie is stressed and exhausted (as evidenced by a cold sore on her lip) because Tom nixed a ladies-only spa weekend with her mom and girlfriends. Next: Angelina Jolie's long-time bodyguard Michey Brett quit recently because he clashed with Brad, and now he's threatening to write a tell-all book. Judging from his revelation that Brad and Angie forced him to buy them supplies from a sex shop, including "kinky rubber suits and face masks," it's going to be a good read. Moving on: Anne Hathaway has been dating boyfriend Adam Shulman for a few months, which clearly means they'll be getting married in 2009. Star thinks Anne is trying to send secret messages about her impending wedding because her most recent projects are Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars, and the upcoming film The Fiance. Blind Item: Which Disney heartthrob better pass next time someone offers him a puff? The teen's taste for pot has become a real problem on the set of his latest project. Finally, some celebrities have hideous physical flaws that the editors of Star would like to point out to you. Victoria Beckham had some gunk in her ear, Kelly Rowland forgot to shave her armpits once before hitting the red carpet, and J.Lo has some back fat. How dare they.
Grade: D (Champagne headache)

In Touch
Jen and Angelina are in a made-up race to the altar, which means the mag has to plan two made-up weddings! Jen is going to make it a classy affair by borrowing Girls Gone Wild host Joe Francis's Mexican villa for a spring wedding. Angie wants her fake wedding to be smaller and will wed in September at Chateau Miraval with only family in attendance. Moving on: In Touch has an exclusive interview with Tori Spelling called, "How I got my bikini body back" which we did not read because it involves photos of a bikini-clad Spelling making sexy faces and we had to turn the page. In the requisite article about Jessica Alba losing the baby weight they use a photo of her pregnant for the "before" and the photoshopped Campari ad for the "after." Ha! Next up: OMG. "Is Oprah too hung up on Obama?" Oprah's friendship with the president-elect is described as "oddly close" and there is a sidebar pondering if Stedman and Michelle might be jealous. A psychiatrist who doesn't treat anyone involved says Stedman and Michelle "likely realize they can't relate to Oprah and Barack on a certain level because the pals share the "loneliness-at-the-top syndrome, which could draw them closer." Finally, "Hollywood's hooked on hookers." This article is like a three page blind item, with both gay and straight prostitutes recounting their adventures with anonymous A-list stars. We most want to know the identity of the straight "manly man" whose dominatrix invited gay porn star Nick Capra to her "dungeon" to see how far she could make her celebrity "slave" go.
Grade: D+ (Confetti in your underwear)

Fig. 1

We wonder: is it worse that Ok! settled in for their long winter's nap last week with a double issue, or that the editors at the other mags have obviously been sleeping on the job? This week's cover stories are all about bodies: reducing the size of them, growing babies in them, taking them to the beach, and of course, pumping them full of drugs. We attempt to extract some holiday cheer from the sack full of coal that is Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.









Us
Before you sit down to your Christmas ham (or non-denominational Chinese food feast), Us would like to remind you that those holiday calories do, in fact, count. So here are some novel ideas from this year's Biggest Loser, in case you find you need to lose half your size in 2009: eat less and move more. Moving on: Madonna was only attracted to A.Rod because of the secrecy, and now a source says "she's totally lost interest." As have we. Next: Some stars got married this year, while others chose to spawn. To relive all the vicarious excitement, you can check out the mag's 16 page year-end filler special. Bonus: A complex two page chart (Fig. 1) that lists by month the 88 couples who either broke up or hooked up in 2008. Major points to anyone who can combine this with the infamous herpes tree.
Grade: F (Stepping on a shattered tree ornament)

In Touch
Katie Holmes tugged her shirt down in public, so obviously she is 12 weeks pregnant. A British tourist who spotted her in the street confirms, "She definitely had a baby bump." Next: Britney is suffering from stage fright because she's worried she can't live up to her fans' expectations. They're doping her up with two different anti-anxiety medications, so it looks like the show will go on. K-Fed is dating a girl from his bowling team. Sort-of-famous person Brandon Davis reports that there are different rules for celebrities in swanky rehab facilities. He says during his four times in treatment he's been allowed to keep his cell phone and has been offered drugs by other patients. "I can only imagine how easy it would be for a huge star in rehab to get away with things, like using drugs," he says.
Grade: D- (Discovering your dog has downed some tinsel)

Life & Style
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has been hitting the Hollywood party circuit and and a pal says, "he's drunk every night by 6:30pm." As for his co-star Kristen Stewart, "It's no secret that Kristen likes to unwind by smoking pot," says an insider. Could their antics jeopardize the sequel? Next: White House family feud! As previously reported in more reputable news sources, the Obama's asked to move into Blair House, the president's guest residence across the street from the White House, two weeks before the inauguration so that the kids could start school on time. And the Bushes shot them down! Former White House social secretary Leticia Baldridge advises that etiquette-wise, the Bush family was in the right. "They can stay in a hotel," she says. Burn. Moving on: The Jolie-Pitts have decided to leave America permanently for France, which isn't all that shocking since they're returning to Chateau Miraval, which they had already leased for three years. In other news, despite reports that their marriage is on the rocks, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony enjoyed a romantic dinner in L.A. last week. "They definitely looked like they were celebrating something," says an onlooker. J.Lo's triumphant return to the tabloid A-list last week, perhaps? Halle Berry is trying for baby number two according to the salesgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop. Berry joked, "it's baby making time!" as she was leaving the store. This week in Dr. Rey's obnoxious plastic surgery case book: Kate Moss would look better with Blake Lively's legs, because all women are just a collection of interchangeable Mr. Potato Head parts. Lastly, everyone's being hit hard by the recession, but there is some good news: Celebs like Heidi Montag are getting paid less to appear at parties.
Grade: D (Extended family inquiring about your relationship status)

Star
The one good thing about the summer being over is that you'd think for at least eight months you wouldn't see a celebrity's cellulitey ass staring back at you on the check out line. But the laziness of Star's editors knows no season! Miley Cyrus is a "worst" because the 16-year-old wasn't showing enough skin. Ewan McGregor has the "worst fish belly," whatever that is, because he's not that tan nor are his abs chiseled. In actual gossip, the reason Nicole Kidman is rarely spotted with her kids Isabella and Connor is that Tom Cruise had secret papers drawn up that limit her visitation rights. She needs Tom's approval to go anywhere with the kids, Tom reads the emails she sends them, and he had to pre-approve her new husband Keith Urban before the kids were allowed to visit. Nicole agreed to sign the papers and keep her mouth shut because she knew Tom would blacklist her in Hollywood and ruin her career. Sad blind item: "Which little actress has big plans to squash the recent pregnancy rumors? She's started using laxatives to get back to her usual scary skinny look." Next: though the mag had elaborately planned out an entirely made up wedding for Jennifer Aniston in Los Cabos, they've decided they'd rather pretend Jen is getting married in the Greek Orthodox church, because "Jen's Big Fat Greek Wedding" makes a better headline. Moving on: If J.Lo and Marc Anthony divorced, she would definitely keep the twins, but they'll never divorce because she doesn't want to have a third failed marriage, so ... yeah. And finally, Star closes out 2008 with a 15 page story on celebrities' insane maple syrup diets and 8 hour workout sessions, which frankly, we could not read because we're off to down a massive amount of cookies and eggnog before Santa gets his grubby mitts on them.
Grade: D+ (A cookie jar full of broken off gingerbread man legs)

Fig. 1

But recall if you will, a time before Brangeliniston, before even Brangelina, in which our attention was held rapt by Bennifer and one notorious derriere. Yes, J.Lo is back from the clutches of suburban motherhood and she left her wedding ring at home. Does it mean her marriage to Marc Anthony on the rocks, or is J.Lo just letting us know that she would like us to pay attention to her again? We swallow a heaping dose of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.

OK!
Have you heard? "Jen's Obsessed With Angie." Also obsessed: the dozens of other publications from which this cover story was crudely cobbled together. Johnny Depp went shopping at a high-end jewelry store in California, which clearly means he's picked out a ring for Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of a decade and mother of his two children. The next 28 pages are devoted to a recap of the most important people and events 2008, as chosen by panelists Christian Siriano, Ann Curry, Diddy, and Lauren Conrad. And if that's not enough to convince you that everyone at OK! drank too much at the holiday party and called in sick on Monday, there is a peek into the "private world" of Clyde, the canine star of Marley & Me.
Grade: F (Drilling a hole in the head)

Life & Style
The six page "lump of coal" cover story "Baby's First Christmas" describes how celebs who have recently spawned are spending the holidays. The Jolie-Pitt kids are getting 1980s-style arcade rooms installed in their multiple homes, Pete Wentz bought 1-month-old Bronx Mowgli his first $5,000 electric guitar, and Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow is stuck with wooden blocks. The stars have shocking and bizarre Christmas traditions like opening presents, listening to Bing Crosby records, and spending time with their families. Next: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin haven't been spotted together since Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding in April. Could their marriage be on the rocks? The mag helpfully points out that the holidays are a stressful time that could push a couple to the breaking point. Britney wants more plastic surgery. A "friend" says she's "dying to have her boobs lifted" and wants lipo on her butt and inner thighs. Michael Jackson has blown his billion dollar fortune and will be auctioning some of his most prized possessions in April. Here are some financial lessons you can learn from Michael: caring for your four giraffes costs about $12,000 per year and settling a child molestation case may run you more than $25 million. Moving on: Life & Style talks with Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy fame about her divorce from Alex Young, her husband of 15 months. Here's the "exclusive interview" in its entirety: "At the moment, for obvious reasons, I don't want to talk about my relationship with Alex or our divorce." Tara Reid checked herself into rehab at Promises in Malibu for reasons unknown. In the latest infuriating installment of Dr. Rey's plastic surgery casebook the bad doctor suggests that Nicollette Sheridan may look younger with Gwyneth Paltrow's face. Possible side effects: having someone else's face. Lastly, Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris Hilton's search for a "new BFF," reveals that she was never a Paris Hilton fan prior to landing a spot on the reality show. So what brought them together? "We have the same drink of choice," says Flickinger, "Patron tequila." Sounds like it's going to be a beautiful friendship.
Grade: D- (Amputation)

Us
In the case of the "disappearing bling" we learn that J.Lo showed up to the Benjamin Button premiere without her wedding rings. She may have left the rings home on purpose because she has always used her jewelry to "send SOS messages" to the press. Lopez is supposedly bored with suburban motherhood and wouldn't sit next to Marc Anthony at Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier this month, Anthony was spotted at Bungalow 8 having drinks with three women. He put his hand on one girl's thigh, which she thought was "gross." Anthony keeps tabs on J.Lo's phone calls and dictates her wardrobe choices. "You don't see so much of that booty anymore," says the couple's "longtime friend." Jennifer Connelly has gone from 140 lbs. to 110 lbs. in the past two years, according to a doctor who doesn't treat her. Connelly's explanation: "I eat an absurd amount of apples." Also, SNL alum Horatio Sans has gone from "chunk to hunk" by losing nearly 100 lbs. (Fig. 1). In closing, Michael Jackson's new style is inspired by Zorro and the Hamburgler (Fig. 2).
Grade: D (Leeches)

Star
As Star reported last week, the Jolie-Pitt kids are forcing their parents to get married in an elaborate (and entirely made up) June wedding. But first Brad wants Angie to sign a prenup because of the pair's dicey romantic track records. If they break up they'll each keep their own millions and Angie will get primary custody of all the kids because Brad doesn't want to break up the brood or take them from their mother. There are also uncomfortable details about how long Brad and Angie want to stay on life support if "something drastic" happens, but that's really something that should be discussed with your real life loved ones before clouding your mind with the wishes of the Jolie-Pitts. Blind item: Which actor has a special way to make himself feel holly jolly? While his kids shopped for a Christmas tree, he stayed in the car and fired up a suspicious smelling pipe. As you know, Oprah admitted that she is 200 lbs. in O magazine, but Star cattily insists that she's actually 10 lbs. heavier. The mag says she's planning on getting gastric bypass surgery to shed 50 lbs., but is worried that it will be too obvious. "She wants people to think it was through diet and exercise, and not because of surgery," says an insider. Mariah Carey was spotted holding a sonogram, refused to drink champagne, and just canceled a world tour. "What does it all mean?" demands Star. According to a detailed account of the star peeing on a pregnancy test, she's with child. Demi Lovato showed up to Miley Cyrus's October birthday party with smudgy black lines on her wrist. Is she cutting? She had marks on her wrist in September, but her rep claimed they were left by a gummy bracelet. If this is the first tabloid you're buying this year, you may want to check out the 16 page story on the "OMG! MOMENTS OF 2008." Otherwise, they are considerably less shocking.
Grade: D+ (Blood letting)

In Touch
The magazine asks, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston: "Why Can't They Let It Go?" Could it be because In Touch keeps putting fake stories like this one on the cover? Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway have each lost 20 lbs and are now "scary-skinny." Or they were photographed in a baggy outfit. Britney is secretly dating Benji Madden. Britney selected Paris Hilton's recent ex off a list of potential boyfriends compiled by her dad Jamie and manager Larry Rudolph. The list included Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe, and Michael Phelps. But! Brit is also dating Kentwood, La. local Ryan Martin. He is 20 and best friends with Britney's baby-daddy-in-law Casey Aldridge. Moving on: Fergie and Josh Duhamel, who have been engaged for a year, are secretly planning to wed on the weekend of January 10. But the real "top secret" may be that Fergie isn't gaining weight for an upcoming role, she's pregnant. Jude Law's receding hairline has been looking much fuller recently. Did he get a hair transplant? In a four page spread on Christmas at Kathy Griffin's house we learn that she has decorated her LA home for the holidays with mounted reindeer heads and golden Emmy theme. "I don't know if you've heard, but I won two Emmys," Griffin explains, "and it is important that every single person alive knows that I have two Emmys." There's a picture of Kathy next to her dominatrix-themed tree holding a whip (Fig. 3). Lastly, Time may have named Barack Obama is the Person of the Year, but according to In Touch, it's actually David Cook. A handy comparison chart explains that though Obama has more Grammys, David Cook won a higher percentage of Idol's final vote than Obama got in the election, and Cook has more MySpace friends.
Grade: C- (Expired children's cough syrup)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

According to Us, both Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have been sighted lately without their wedding rings on, the Hollywood equivalent of wearing a novelty t-shirt that says, "DON'T ASK ME ABOUT MY FAILING MARRIAGE" in block type. So who's to blame, and who's ready to offer her friend a comforting e-meter to cry to?

Lopez — who once commanded $15 million per film — "blames Marc for her career going down the tubes," says a mutual pal, adding that she's bitter about the failure of their 2006 drama, El Cantante, which only grossed $7.5 million. (Her 2002 flick Maid in Manhattan earned over $94 million.)

"Jennifer looked around and said, 'This is my life now? I'm a Long Island housewife?'" a pal says. "She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes."

Lopez isn't the only one with growing resentment toward her husband. Her best friend, Leah Remini, also can't stand him.

"It if was up to her, Leah would just break them up today," a pal says.

Duly noted, "Leah Remini's pal"! We had wondered why Lopez hadn't worked in film since 2006, and now we know who to send flowers to was responsible. However, we question the logic behind fleeing one controlling home for a Scientology-approved safe house. J-Lo, you may think you want your acting career back, but is a recurring guest arc on My Name is Earl really the best comeback you can muster?

• EXCLUSIVE: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's Marriage at "Breaking Point" [Us]

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Plan B "centers on a single woman who conceives twins through artificial insemination (her Plan B) only to meet the man of her dreams (her Plan A) on the very same day." Is the writer of this dreck not aware that colloquially "Plan B" means something almost diametrically opposed to the plot of her movie? Does she know and not care? Is it supposed to be ironic? Will it be an abortion of good taste? So many questions! But also intriguing is the fact that she's not the only one to use the name "Plan B" for something non-hormonal pill related. Behold!


Plan B Entertainment: The production company co-founded by Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Grey. Maybe an appropriate name because the partnership was "aborted" after Brad and Jen split — Brad stuck with plan B, and Jennifer has moved on to form her own company called Echo Films.


Plan B —The Album: By Huey Lewis and the News, circa 2001. Includes such classic tracks as "The Rhythm Ranch." However, in musicland there is also a Dexy's Midnight Runners song called "Plan B" and a British rapper called Plan B, whose first single was called "Mama (Loves A Crackhead)." How heartwarming!


Plan B — The Magazine: A London-based Indie music and culture magazine. The editor-in-chief is music journalist Everett True, who (at least according to Wikipedia), "Thackray is also renowned for being a champion of equality within music, whether sexual, gender-based or racial. Indeed, detractors have in the past labelled his supposed bias towards female-helmed bands to be over-zealous." This sounds like a Plan B we can get behind!


Plan B — The Original: the morning after pill that keeps those pesky possibly-fertilized eggs from implanting. We are grateful for its continued legality in the United States!








Jennifer Lopez Pencils In 'Plan B [Hollywood Reporter]

"Scientologists don't believe in shrinks. Would you ever call on Scientology if you were having [emotional] problems again?" I ask.

"I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It's very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it."

"Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?"

"No."

"If you were, would you be open about it?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't have a problem saying it because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it."

"That it is too exotic? Too cultish?"

"Just negative feelings."

"Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?" I ask.

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful… It's all about communication. That's the thing I really don't like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn't judge it without knowing what it is."

Sounds like someone's been comparing notes with Will Smith! Though Lopez still seems to clam up somewhat when asked about Scientology, we'd wager that she's merely saving the good stuff for her TLC reality show. Why blow your wad in an interview on Tina Brown's headache-inducing HuffPo competitor when you could spin a season-long arc (culminating in a finale featuring Jenna Elfman, Nancy Cartwright, and Erika Christensen in a girls' spa day/niacin purification ritual) out of the same material?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Behind the Glow [The Daily Beast]

· Hollywood East is open for business, reports Variety, with everyone from Jennifer Lopez to Kanye West to Cyndi Lauper enlisted to share in the platform platitudes. The bad news: Bono is skipping Denver, leaving a sanctimony vacuum from which organizers are attempting to shield guest speaker Fran Drescher — especially at this altitude.

· Gamble for Democracy! In the best DNC synergy to date, Poker Players Alliance and the Paralyzed Veterans of America are co-hosting a charity tournament Tuesday at Coors Field. Ben Affleck will among the players; the winner gets a seat at the 2009 World Series of Poker.

· "According to the Center For Responsive Politics, which follows political money, [Joe] Biden throughout his U.S. Senate career has raised only $390,298 from the TV/Movies/Music sector, including a mere $187,600 from entertainment industry donors in 2008 while he was running for President." More from Nikki Finke.

· Access Hollywood kicked a note over the transom reporting that Jennifer Hudson will sing the national anthem before Obama's speech Thursday night.

· Sheryl Crow performed at Red Rocks on Sunday, later telling Extra that while Barack Obama inspires her, "Celebrity has sort of become a derogatory term." Not on our watch, Sheryl! Anyway, tune in tonight, etc. etc.

· Speaking of Extra, this just in about the show's Denver correspondent: "Carlos Diaz is reporting all week from Denver’s Democratic National Convention and is available for live shots." But enough about target practice! Zing! Ugh. Politics is hard!

· Paul Colichman, the mogul (and Hillary Clinton supporter) behind Out, The Advocate, the Here network and other gay media monoliths, is outraged by Obama's professed aversion to gay marriage. "If we write checks to candidates who don't stand up for us, aren't we being self-destructive?" We don't know, Paul — Hillary didn't support gay marriage either, and you seem to have survived. Off you go! [Via Queerty]

Story centers on a professional thief who, in order to pull off a major bank heist, poses as a nanny to the three unruly children of a wealthy widower. When she starts to fall for the kids and their father, she must decide if she can give up her past for a chance to start over.

Playing the help has seemed to work for J-Lo in the past, with her highest-grossing entry Maid in Manhattan sure to inform Governess's delicate balance between sass and servitude. Failing that (and with a SAG waiver in place, its the audience, not the encroaching labor woes, that would kill it), Lopez has a back-up ready with Governess co-screenwriter Don Roos, who has already attached her for his own comedy Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. All of which can only mean one thing, naturally: Madre's will be back to its old Pasadena-institution self by New Year's. We can't wait.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Jennifer Lopez to star in 'Governess' [Variety]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

Hard to fathom but, just ten years ago, the diva known 'round the world was known simply as that hot big-bottomed girl with a shimmy-shaking breakthrough music video in heavy rotation on MTV (remember, in those days, MTV still played videos). But she hadn't quite let go of her penchants for ass-enhancing spandex onesies, nor her not-so-subtle habit of posing with said ass front and center. Few can forget her appearance as Diddy's arm candy at the 2000 MTV Music Awards, with her skin-tight white jeans, taut belly and bandana proving she's so real, from the block, and down with her peeps. For a few more minutes that is, considering no one from the block (any block) would be down with perhaps the most famous fashion faux-pas of the decade, the paper thin maniacally patterned green-ish disaster Lopez wagged tongues with just a few months later. One overly tight yellow polyester skirt and tacky pair of knee-high hooker booties later, and Lopez figured it out (finally): with a, ahem, imperfect eye for style well-proven, ensemble eyesores may appear on Max and Emme in the future, but thankfully, we'll only have to endure them once.

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• JENNIFER LOPEZ TWINS NEVER EAR THE SAME DESIGNER CLOTHES TWICE [Daily Mirror]

Nicole Richie was back to her old uber-thin self just two weeks after Harlow graced us with her presence earlier this year, and Jamie Pressly openly admitted to losing 42 pounds in 12 weeks by "only eating cabbage soup." The rest?

After having Moses, the current nudie pic exhibitionist says she makes sure all those pounds which initially "horrified" her remain at bay due to her after-hours habit of downing red wine and passing out in the garden. Who has time to eat when you're unconscious? Hubbard Formula aficionado Leah Remini claims to have lost a whopping 80 pounds in only six weeks after ordering something eerily called the 1st Personal Diet. Remini told TV Guide, "It's determined by the metabolic rate of your blood, and then they send you a diet on your e-mail." Why hasn't anyone informed Oprah of her computer's flesh-zapping knowledge?

Jennifer Lopez made a public appearance looking just like J. Lo circa Diddy only a month after popping those expensive twins out, and reportedly managed the vanishing act by shelling out $50k on a home gym, not to mention hiring a team of trainers, nutritionists and Baby Weight Loss experts to presumably make sure she never once stopped exercising. Finally, Gwen Stefani candidly told Elle that she was utterly obsessed with getting her figure back after little Kingston arrived. The only celebrity to go ahead and admit that the ways stars do it is just a bit horrifying, Stefani said she was so adamant about the process that she was still exercising two weeks before giving birth. And cried about it. Live and learn.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• OH BABY! JESSICA ALBA SHOWS OFF HER FABULOUS POST-PREGNANCY FIGURE [Daily Mail]

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES HOST A-LIST HOUSEWARMING PARTY [Us}
• TOMKAT HOST THE PARTY OF THE YEAR (WITH POSH AND OPRAH ON THE GUEST LIST) [Daily Mail]

What better way to annul your time spent in rehab than by pulling the old “It was just research!” card? That’s what Eva Mendes is allegedly claiming, pegging her January stay at Le Cirque in Utah to an upcoming role in Queen Of The South where she'll play a female drug lord or, as some have termed the character, “the female Scarface.” At the time, so-called insiders came forward saying Mendes was everything from a “closet drinker” to a prescription drug addict. Though it’s a nice thought that Mendes’ month-long stay alongside real-live drunk Kirsten Dunst was just a hush-hush effort to really feel like a druggie, we took a look at the timeline coupled with Mendes’ past, and find the excuse weak at best:

For one thing, Mendes has already appeared in her fair share of drug movies. There was last year’s We Own The Night, where she played the coke-dabbling girlfriend to Joaquin Phoenix’s drug dealer with a heart of gold. And 2003’s Once Upon A Time In Mexico centered around the Mexican president declaring war on a drug cartel, while that same year she played drug money-lover Denzel Washington’s ex-wife in Out Of Time. As for her potentially career-boosting role in Queen, her casting was announced only two weeks ago. Until her stay in rehab, two other names were still circling around the part: Jennifer Lopez and Penelope Cruz were said to be in consideration for the part as well. We only wish they’d gone with Cruz early on and relieved Mendes of the need to method act her way all the way to Le Cirque and scandal; Cruz already nailed the powdered-up girlfriend in Blow so convincingly that we still can’t help looking at her without getting the sense that she’s just itching to snort the dandruff off of whatever guy has currently enlisted her as their Beard.

• EVA MENDES RESEARCHING ROLE IN REHAB? [Starpulse]

"There was, for instance, the female pop singer who requested an evening meeting during the time Mr. Finton’s mother was terminally ill with cancer, about six years ago. It was Mr. Finton’s birthday, and his mother had planned a special dinner. Mr. Finton explained this to the singer’s father, who acted as her on-site representative. A short time later, Mr. Finton got a call: The singer, he was told, would see him that evening. Mr. Finton complied."

Now, Finton—the "Indiana Jones" of luxury contractors—has plenty of celebrity clients; and he doesn't name Connecticut-living Jennifer Lopez. But the new mother-of-two is the only pop diva listed as one of his clients on his website. If she's not the heartless client to whom Finton was referring, he should have realized that hers was the name that would come up with just a few minutes of web research.

Though it's too early to tell how many carats Scarlett's rock has, we have read that Reynolds bought his former fiance, Alanis Morissette, a 3.75 carat rock.

Naturally, Katherine Heigl had her 3 carat ring designed herself rather than trusting her frequently emasculated husband Joshua Kelley pipe in with any kind of opinion. Mariah Carey's highly confusing recent engagement to Nick Cannon has resulted in the singer sporting a possibly recycled 15 (yikes!) pink and purple tacky thing, but if anyone can pull of giant gems it would be Mimi. And, of course, Jennifer Lopez, whose infamous $1.2 million pink diamond ring was ostentatiously flashed 'round the world, only to be sold off post-breakup.

While poor Carmen Electra's new rock from rocker Rob Patterson cost a mere $100k (for celebs, that's the equivalent of shopping at Jared), we think Patterson's eccentric choice of a black diamond suits Electra perfectly. As for knocked up Ashlee Simpson, her faux-punk rocker fiance Pete Wentz reportedly made sure to give Simpson a ring without those pesky "blood diamonds" Leonardo DiCaprio taught us all about in that boring movie of the same name.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, The Mirror]

• DEFAMER WEDDINGS: SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND RYAN REYNOLDS ENGAGED TO EACH OTHER [Defamer]

When Bravo debuted Queer Eye For The Straight Guy back in 2003, the network's tiny audience and overall lack of buzz went away overnight, replaced by soaring ratings, critical praise and a groundbreaking moment for gay-themed television. Sure, Will And Grace had already proven that a mass audience could accept the sight of two guys kissing, but a sitcom featuring abnormally handsome straight-in-real-life actors couldn't compare to Queer Eye's cast of flamboyantly charming girly boys and their instant appeal among stay-at-home moms and former soap obsessives.

And, intelligently, Bravo capitalized on the show's success by producing endless reality shows featuring gay characters and themes. They started launching shows about styling hair (Shear Genius) to cooking (Top Chef) and, of course, their flagship runaway hit, Project Runway. And as we all know by now, Lifetime (who coincidentally picked up a Queer Eye spin-off starring Carson Kressley) has jumped on the glamour bandwagon by stealing PR away in an effort to exhibit a similar "cool" factor. It was inevitable that TLC would follow suit, and their decision to feature Jennifer Lopez in this upcoming snoozer will undoubtedly appeal to all 6.5 million drag queens who impersonate her on a nightly basis. Our only concern? How exactly will they film Marc Anthony during the day? Don't vampires tend to whither under bright lights? Fingers crossed their solution doesn't include featuring him solely in bedroom scenes (shudder).

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• J.LO TO GIVE CABLE'S TLC A GLIMPSE OF HER TWINS' TLC [NYDN]

Reports claim that Cruise has already bought the twins your average baby essentials: You know, like $200,000 worth of christening clothes and a giant aquarium for their nursery. So why the interest in these particular babies, we wonder?

It's well-documented that L. Ron Hubbard was obsessed with numbers, and the fact that Lopez gave birth to 2 babies on 2/22 seems a little unusual. Also unusual? Choosing a godfather for your children who - at least as far as the public knows - has not been part of your life for more than a year. Oh, and did we mention: J. Lo's father, David Lopez, has been a Scientologist for 20 years. So call us crazy, but either Scientology skipped a generation, or some big-bootied girl, who inexplicably shot to stardom after years of mediocrity, isn't telling the truth about which church she's been praying in for the last decade.

• Jennifer Lopez wants to Tom Cruise to be her twins' godfather [Showbiz Spy]

5. Kim Kardashian: Losing ties with Paris didn't hurt Kardashian, mainly due to public interest in her gravity-defying behind, which has since landed her family a reality show and herself an endorsement deal with Bongo.

4. Jessica Simpson:: All that exercising in preparation for her role as Daisy Duke may not have given her any acting cred, but it make her butt worthy of filling out the trashtastic shorts of legend.

3. Jennifer Lopez: What Diddy likes, we like.

2. Jessica Alba: Not an Alba bikini photo crosses our screen without a dash of immediate regret on our part for not going to the nearest 7:30am pilates session that morning.

1. Jessica Biel: Well, sometimes photos simply speak for themselves.

[Photo Credits: CelebNewsWire, Red Reporter, TalkStink, Gag Report, Publisher's Weekly]

• CHRISTINA RICCI: I WANT JESSICA BIEL'S BUTT [People]