The executives at New Line Cinema can't wait to take more hard-earned cash from women who don't care about storyline and just want to see something about dating and love — again!

That's why there is a project in the works called Valentine's Day. It will hit theaters right before — wait for it — Valentine's Day, 2010. The plot? The plot is iffy. Something about "would-be romantics working their way through a tangle of circumstances in L.A." But that doesn't matter, because Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Shirley MacLaine will be in it. And Bradley Cooper. New Line will come up with a way to work a story around these people, since all that matters is that there's money to be made. Apparently, He's Just Not That Into You proved that women want to go see "romantic" movies — with other women or a date — right around Valentine's Day.

I have nothing against romance, comedies, or romcoms. I love stuff like When Harry Met Sally, Flirting, and Amelie — thoughtful films with strong writing and characters who are forces of nature. But He's Just Not That Into You — a movie based on a self-help book based on a catchphrase from a TV show — lacked substance and soul; the characters might have well have been cardboard cut-outs with labels like "The Optimist" or "The Seductress" taped to them. And for every bad review, there was a person who said, "I'm gonna see it anyway." Now the studio has 94 million reasons to pull that shit again.

As I wrote earlier this year, when you go see a movie like He's Just Not That Into You, you're casting a vote, telling Hollywood you want more flicks in the same vein. And this is what HJNTIY's box office bonanza hath wrought: Valentine's Day. As a former screenwriting major, it is painful to read that this project is being dictated by a calendar date — along with a cast and director (Garry Marshall) — and not by an actual story someone was inspired to write.

Who knows? Maybe there will be some surprises! Maybe they'll change the title to Single Awareness Day. Maybe some great writer (writers, plural, probably) will be hired by the studio to come up with a perfectly charming Valentine's Day tale. (I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.) But for now, I'm already announcing that I'm just not that into it.

Hollywood Has Feb. 14 Circled in Red [NY Times]

Earlier: Liveblogging He's Just Not That Into You
Cliché-Laden Chick Flick Tries To Convince You It's Not Full Of Clichés
He's Just Not That Into You: Gay Minstrel Show?
More Reasons Not To Get Into He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You - First Review
There's No Way You'll Be Into He's Just Not That Into You

Superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer is teaming up with Disney to produce the movie version of the upcoming book Horse Soldiers. While both you and me are imagining a film about horses who wear gun hats and every time they neigh, the gun hats shoot bullets, and we win WWII and the human kid, Danny, finally gets to kiss the cute French girl who helped them because she knows a lot about horses like how to click at them and how to fix gun hats, unfortunately we are both mistaken. It's about real-life US soldiers who rode into Afghanistan on horseback and helped broker deals with warlords in order to topple the Taliban. Sigh. [Variety]

Jeff Goldblum and Diane Keaton have joined the cast of the potentially-embarrassing-for-everyone-sounding Morning Glory. The film is about Rachel McAdams trying to solve a feud between two news anchors, Keaton and Harrison Ford. It's filming in New York, and that person who wrote Devil Wears Prada has crafted the screenplay. Lord help us. [Variety] Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Bryan Cranston have all joined up for Red Tails, the George Lucas-produced WWII flick about the Tuskegee Airmen. Whether or not they run into any horse soldiers with gun hats on their heads depends on how historically accurate they're trying to be. If they're going for vérité, then yes, there will be gun hats.

In case you were worried that you might have to go to the beach or sit outside drinking sangria and enjoying the breezes this summer, don't worry. The CW has finally decided to enter the full-year programming game, and will air some new reality shows in the hottest months. Your choices will be as varied as Blonde Charity Mafia, about a group of idiots milling about Washington D.C., and Hitched, about a bunch of idiots mulling about the idea of getting married. [Variety] Nerd alert! Dollhouse and Battlestar hottie boombalottie Tahmoh Penikett has been cast in the Sci-Fi (or, sorry, Syfy) channel movie event Riverworld, about a couple who dies only to find themselves in what is questionably the afterlife. Alan Cumming will guest star, and the whole damn thing could become a series. But what does this mean for the still-getting-better Dollhouse's fate? Hopefully nothing. [THR]

The people who made that show Til' Death (which is still on the air), Alex Barnow and Marc Firek, have signed a new deal with Sony TV. They'll leave that Brad Garrett laffapalooza and head on over to a new series, which is still in the works. So the good people are working. We can be glad for that. (And yes, I know J.B. Smoove is funny on that show, but still). [THR] Also there's this: Jennifer Garner is set to star in a movie about butter carving. No, not churning. Carving. The competitive world of. So. The movie is called Butter, completing the triumvirate begun by Milk and continued by Salt. [THR]

Kevin James continues to land a series of improbably hot wives. First it was Leah Remini, who later became an alien and disappeared out of the motherhood and into the celestial ether, and now it's Maria Bello. The smoky voiced blonde will play his wife in that jam-packed comedy about a high school reunion that also stars Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Maya Rudolph, and Salma Hayek. The genius behind I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will direct. [THR] Speaking of hilarity, here's something terrific. Hunk of yesteryear Antonio Sabato Jr. has won an acting award for a movie in which he plays a serial killer. The prestigious Beverly Hills Film Festival bestowed the best actor prize upon the former soap stud for his work in Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas, about this charming fellow who maybe killed 600 folks, and maybe didn't kill anyone. You may remember that the estimable Michael Rooker played the fellow in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer some years back. [THR]

The new trailer for Ghosts hardly suggests McConaughey's latest signature genre effort is 200 times better than Surfer, Dude. Or even one time better, really, instead smashing convention boilerplate — successful, recalcitrant cad meets match (Jennifer Garner) en route to star-crossed matrimony — into A Christmas Carol, complete with dead playboy (Michael Douglas) and three ghostly girlfriends to help shepherd... oh, for Christ's sake. Here. Here's the fucking trailer — this year's reductive model, the movie you'll be lip-reading five months from now when the passenger next to you in coach leaves the seat-back monitor on before falling asleep, the Talk! Of! Access Hollywood! for five minutes in late April, and very likely the first film to keep Violet Affleck up at night wondering what Daddy meant when he yelled all that stuff at Mommy about "slumming." They grow up so fast.

Or maybe it symbolizes something more significant to you (the continued flogging of New Line's corpse?); we're open to any interpretations you have. Fire away. [YouTube]

Boomp3.com

Pregnant Juno star Jennifer Garner asked if the snappers surrounding her could take about ten big steps back before she entered a medical building. As a woman with child, Garner needs all the space that she can get. Garner added, "I'm showing, not like Minnie Driver showing, but us pregnant women can explode at any moment. And in the best interest of me, you, and your sneakers, let's take a couple of steps back and let move on by."

[Photo Credit: X17 ]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Rossdale told Us that he and Stefani didn't know the baby's gender.

"It's just gonna be insane when it comes because then we will find what it is," he said. "And then we get to name the baby! It's gonna be such chaos ... amazing chaos!

"I'm just trying to be there for the wife," he told Us. "Look after her and be cool."

SPOILER ALERT: It was a boy they named — we shit you not — Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, a moniker reportedly drawn on the fly from the varieties of organic teas once cited in No Doubt's concert rider. Meanwhile, Jason Sehorn knocked up Angie Harmon again, it's their third, etc. Here's hoping September is a more subdued month, or, more accurately, that our heroic celebrities make more actual news than infants. Humor us. Please.

[Photo source: Getty Images]

• Jennifer Garner confirms pregnancy [NYDN]
• Matt Damon's wife Luciana gives birth to girl [AP]
• It's Another Boy for Gwen & Gavin! [US Weekly]

• Previously: The Top 10 TV Characters Men Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With [Defamer]

Us
"It Was In Vitro!" Angelina and Brad conceived the twins via an in vitro procedure because they didn't want to wait to get pregnant. Brad was the one who pushed Angie to have more natural kids because he really wanted a biological son. Well congrats on getting one! Moving on: Pictures of Sienna Miller frolicking topless with Balthazar Getty. The author writes: "If you were dating a married man, you could be discreet about it — or you could be Sienna Miller." In all fairness, he is separated. A story called "Are They Too Old For…" questions whether Brad should be carrying Pax Jolie Pitt, 4; whether Calista Flockhart's son Liam, 7, should have a teddy bear and whether Suri Cruise, 2, should still be drinking from a bottle. Judge much?
Grade: F (stinging nettles)

Life & Style
"Hollywood's Pregnant!" So Ben's mom has confessed that Jen Garner is knocked up with baby number 2. A section of this story is called "Why They Waited." Their first kid is two years old! Is that "waiting"? The next four pages are stars who maybe someday could possibly perhaps have kids: Eva Longoria, Reese Witherspoon (she got pregnant before she married Ryan Phillippe, so she could get pregnant while dating Jake!), Jen Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres. Moving on: "Why Britney Gave Up The Kids" attempts to explain why Brit "let Kevin win" the custody battle. Uh, she "let" him? There was no way she was going to get full custody while in a conservatorship, right? Love this little chart called "Everybody's Wearing Stripes" because by "everybody" they mean three celebrity kids (Fig. 1). Hate this picture of Audrina "flaunting" her body, because those fake boobs are crazytown (Fig. 2). Mariah Carey has told new hubby Nick Cannon to get a job. She wants him start modeling, and he likes the idea. Kelly Osbourne's "amazing body transformation" is about how she went from curvy to trim. "She's lost weight by being in love," a source says. On the plastic surgery spread titled "Who's Had it, Who Hasn't" basically everyone has had it. Intern Margaret likes Megan Fox's old nose. (Fig 3.)
Grade: D- (poison oak)
In Touch
"Baby Joy: First Photos" So the cover has a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a "baby" and a burst that reads, "20 new pics inside." But. If you look closely, you'll see that Angie is holding Shiloh's doll. And the caption inside reads, "Angelina, here carrying Shiloh's doll, can't stop smiling since she's been home." So, while these are indeed new pictures, they are NOT new pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne. But there are 20 new pix spread over 6 pages. They show Brad, Angie, Shiloh, Zaharah, Pax, Maddox, Brad's mom and dad and some unidentified other boy all playing soccer (Fig. 4). Moving on: Alex Rodriguez has another woman! She's "Madonna's rival." Her name is Maritza Franco and she's "close friends" with A-Rod. Next: Britney is "paying Kevin" for the kids because she's agreed to increase the child support and is getting an extra night of visitation. But! In the same article a source says, "It's not a pay day, it's like this in any divorce." Also inside: Mary Carey is off the wagon. Nicole's older kids met their new little sister Sunday about 12 days after she was born. Kim Kardashian's going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Lastly: Apparently Spencer Pratt will pose for Playgirl… if they pay him $1 million.
Grade: D (thornbush, with points deducted for falsely advertising the cover story)
OK!
"Daddy's Little Boy!" Matthew McConaughey's makes his baby's birth sound like a drum circle: "Contractions started kicking in, and we found a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. We were jamming!" Something happened where the doctors were trying to vacuum the baby out because the umbilical cord was being compressed. Matt says: "This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing." Little Levi already has a baby wet suit and Matt says, "He'll be surfing next weekend." Intern Margaret thinks the baby looks just like Matt (Fig. 5). Moving on: Britney and Justin back together? Well, they will record a duet for her new album. The song, written by Justin, will be produced by Timbaland, of course. On page 15 there's a picture of svelte Nicole Kidman and a doctor who doesn't treat her says, "It doesn't mean something's wrong, but we'd be worried she exercised too much and didn't eat properly." So remember how Life & Style said "Everybody's Wearing Stripes"? OK! spins it thusly: "Guess Who's Stealing Suri's Style?" The mag also says designers are making sweet babydoll dresses now, inspired by Suri.
Grade: C (ragweed)

Star
"Sarah Jessica's Husband Caught Cheating!" An "exhaustive 5-month investigation" done by Star: Matthew Broderick has been seeing a woman who is a "respected counselor to children" and they met in a bar. She's 25, he's 46. The magazine is protecting her identity, so they only show a pixelated picture. (Fig. 6) Apparently Matthew told the woman that his marriage was "not good" and they fooled around in her apartment. Days later, he texted her to meet him at the Manhattan townhouse of a "showbiz friend" and they had sex. She says "It was great! Matt is a wonderful kisser!" She's nicknamed him Mattycakes. All this was happening while SJP was filming Sex And The City. Eyewitnesses saw Matt make 2 more late night visits to the woman's apartment building. On another occasion they had sex in the woman's friend's apartment because the woman's boyfriend was home. The woman is pissed that Matthew told her he was going on vacation in Ireland but then she saw pictures of him in Hawaii with his family (he was texting her and saying how beautiful Ireland is.) Eventually the woman broke off the relationship because Matt admitted that SJP didn't know that he thought their marriage was "not good." Moving on: Angelina and Brad left the hospital so quickly, they left behind champagne bottles and an autographed card from Bono. (It might have been on purpose, to throw off the paparazzi.) Oh, and their estate in France is over run by wild boars. Next: Is Zac Efron taking human growth hormone? He's gone from "scrawny to brawny." (Fig. 7) Oh. And look at this picture of a picture of Halle Berry showing a picture of her baby (Fig. 8). Diddy is engaged to singer Cassie. Ellen is on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. David Beckham broke the law by driving with his 5 year-old son in the front seat. Plus: Michelle Williams has found love… with Spike Jonze! She's known him for years but recently they were spotted kissing. Amanda Seyfried broke up with her long-time boyfriend while filming Mamma Mia because she was having feelings for costar Dominic Cooper. She says: "The fact that I felt something in my heart for Dominic made me feel that something was definitely wrong. I sat and thought about it for weeks." Sam Ronson has been accompanying Lindsay Lohan to AA meetings for the past year, and Sam won't drink as long as LL is sober. Lindsay's been undergoing random drug testing while shooting her new movie as a condition of the producers. (She's clean.) Lastly: Katie Holmes' hands are "veiny, wrinkled and purple" and Scientology is to blame.
Grade: B (tall grass)
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boomp3.com

On their way to an art class in Brentwood, Violet Affleck nearly provided the snaparazzi with the show of shows as she fumbled around with her famous mom's shirt collar. Jennifer Garner said, "Whoa, sweetie. Somebody is acting like a Chico State student who had one too many Coronas after finishing his last mid term final."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com



An employee at Lake Shrine tried to grab a minute of 13 Going On 30 star Jennifer Garner's time on Thursday. The employee had heard a rumor about Garner splitting up with husband Ben Affleck and just wanted to see if things are okay. Garner told the man that everything was just fine with her relationship and would prefer to keep her private life private. The employee felt there was some hostility in Garner's voice and asked if she would like to go the Windmill Chapel and do some mediation. Garner passed, stating that she had a couple of errands left to run. The Lake Shrine employee said, "Are you sure? Mediation works wonders. Look at James Taylor. That guy is the definition of mellow."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Whatever that odor may be (booze? the dreary stench of unrealized dreams?), and however perturbed the Fox anchor may have been when Gary decided to nearly ruin her chance at talking to Clooney, some of the most shocking bits of this clip occur during Gary's on-air apology to Seacrest. As he puts it, "you are an innocent champion of honesty. Your heart has a way of embracing the truth." Now if only Seacrest would Lance Bass the shit out of a glossy or two, we might agree with Busey for the first time in our lives.

• Gary Busey's Apology [Red Lasso]

• WATCH VIDEO

In today's episode: Sylvester Stallone; Al Pacino; Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Rupert Everett; Kevin Bacon; Scarlett Johansson; Alicia Keys, and Rumer Willis; Jennifer Garner; Ellen DeGeneres and Portia Di Rossi; Shia LaBeouf; Timothy Dalton; David Hasselhoff; TR Knight; Ed Begley Jr.; BJ Novak; Joey McIntyre; Brody Jenner; Lance Bass and Sally Struthers.

· On Saturday night, 5-12, on Canon in Beverly Hills, Sylvester Stallone in a light blue sweater and serious mullet, walking like a musclebound zombie with wife and daughters(?). Has reached a point where he seems like a parody of himself.

· Just got back from an early Mother's Day dinner at Madeo that $$$ Italian Restaurant on Beverly. And as we sat there a guy with fluffed up brown hair comes towards me. I just stared thinking, is that Al Pacino? He looked sort of puffy and smooth and I always thought he was kind of craggy. But it was! I just stared wide eyed, impressed but not really since I never really liked him anyway. But it was a bit of a thrill. He sat at the bar with a bald guy. And my mom moved the wine bottles so she could see him. Then as we left I think I saw Brody Jenner. I don't know who he is but he looked/acted rich/famous. Later that night (after the Al Pacino sighting), I got dragged to Here and the Abbey. As we left at 2 am my friend said you just missed the In Sync guy. I said who? He said Lance Bass. We went next door to the Abbey for coffee and I missed him again. But my friend saw him in both places. I saw the back of his head.

· Friday May 4th:

Quadruple sighting at The Tower Bar:

So I'm walking into the Tower Bar for dinner and from around the corner I hear a familiar, soothing, sexy voice. I glance to the right to see Rupert Everett and probably his older gay lover having drinks in the restaurant entrance. Wow is he handsome in person.

Does it count if you saw a semi-recognizable band? I mean, I KNOW them from somewhere....The Shins I think....whoever they were they were smokin' hot.

Last but not least, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Jerk's walked in like they owned the place. Call me crazy but isn't she some has been who hasn't been in anything for a long time? The only thing that she's famous for lately is robbing the cradle with Kelso. The looked like they were fresh in from doing whatever they do at Kabbalah on a Friday night. He was dressed in all white like Mr. Clean and she was going to a funeral in all black. That is all to report....

· Sunday 5/13, sometime between 6-7pm
Saw Kevin Bacon shopping at the Pavillions on Montana & Lincoln. He looked GOOD, wearing a sweet rocker-style leather jacket. This might be my favorite celeb sighting to date...as it was KEVINFREKIN BACON!!! My parents were in town and my dad was with me, although he doesn't get excited about much. My mom was pretty ticked off that she stayed home though.

· On Friday night at Hyde I was with a few friends and though the club was by no means crowded, among the partygoers were:

A overly done up Scarlett Johansson with fiery red lipstick and a floral print blouse that did absolutely nothing for her cleavage or side-boob (isn't she known for that)? She was with a group of three girls who acted as a phalanx around her, all of whom were LA 6's (if Scarlett is an LA 9).

An incognito Alicia Keys. Wearing a hat; I couldn't even really get a good look at her.

A short haired but very pretty Rumer Willis who, if IMDB is correct, isn't even 19 yet. She must have a great fake ID.

· Jennifer Garner and child, in the front window of the Kitchen Academy at the Arclight on Friday afternoon.

· Sunday Evening, Mother's Day: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia Di Rossi having a quiet dinner alone at an inside corner table at Pace in Laurel Canyon. They looked very much in love with each other.

· I saw Shia LaBeouf at the party at the Wilton Hilton last Saturday (5/5). Kid was rockin' the cheesy slicked-back hair he's been sporting recently, and I think he was wearing a Designs By Thomas T-shirt. It was pretty obvious he was looking to score, but I didn't see if he left with anyone because I was too distracted by the free-flowing tequila.

· Just saw none other than the Hoff at Easton Gym. No, not trying to work off the belly that made his most recent video debut that much more pathetic. He was standing on the balcony yakking on his cellphone. I shared my sighting with the register girl at Victoria's Secret, who said, "I saw him at the grocery store once. None of the younger girls knew who he was. But the older chicks were all trippin'."

Bitch.

· 5/12 Arriving for a Saturday workout at Santa Monica's decidedly unhip Easton Gym, a tall gent faintly resembling David Hasselhoff breezed by me in the small and empty locker room. Pulling up to the lockers, he set his gym bag down and declared in self-pep talk mode, "Alright, let's go!" to no one in particular. Had it been at the West Hollywood branch, such locker room banter could easily have been taken as an invitation for a steam room romp. Nonetheless, it was tough to determine if this was in fact Hasselhoff hiding behind a pair of blatantly European sunglasses that screamed, "look what I picked up in Germany while launching Baywatch: A Hawaiian Wedding." Moving to the stairmasters, gym on-lookers stared, aghast not at the atrophied arms nor because an appearance at Easton was the ultimate sign that his divorce proceedings had hit rock bottom. And no, they were not stunned to see the same man they had just seen on YouTube sucking in his abs while blabbering drunkedly on a Las Vegas hotel room floor. No, they simply appeared unsure that the man whose auburn hair looked like it's been dyed one too many times was in fact Hasselhoff. However, the international recording artist quickly confirmed his presence by breaking out his Motorola Razr and spending most of his workout yammering away to no one of particular interest, including when he moved to the ab mat area where he showed off his clunky early-90s K-Swiss and stretched-tight tube socks look.

· Timothy Dalton (!) coming out of the Cinerama Dome on Sunday after the 1:50 showing of Spiderman 3. He was with a boy of about 10, presumably his son, and looked pretty darn good for 63 (according to IMDB). After taking a look at the line for the parking self-pay machine, he opted to skip it and head for his car. (He made the right choice, too — that stupid machine was possessed.)

· I saw unabashed closet refugee TR Knight at the West Hollywood whole foods on friday afternoon. I heart TR, and TR hearts carbohydrates (he was buying enough cereal to last him through a nuclear winter). Doing something strange with his hair, though. It was a krazy ketchup red. Maybe he and Katherine Heigl have sleepovers where they listen to Ace of Base, play "do dump or marry" and dye their hair with Kool-Aid.

· I saw Ed Begley Jr. eating at Malo on Sunset in Silverlake Saturday night at about 10PM with a few other people. Even sitting down, he looked like he belongs in the NBA.

· Saw Ryan the Temp from The Office (BJ Novak, thanks IMDB) sitting on the patio at Birds last Tuesday (May 8th). He was with two beautiful girls, which I don't understand because he looks like a troll.

Also saw New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre in baby blue strutting confidently down Larchmont on Sunday just after seven. He was strutting so confidently that it almost took away from the fact that he appeared to be talking to himself. He went into the Rite-Aid or CVS or whatever that is, and I didn't follow him.

· In the middle of the mind numbing crush of humanity that is Ikea in Burbank on a Saturday afternoon (May 12) I spotted Sally Struthers pushing a full cart down the self-service warehouse aisle. She looked bewildered and angry at her decision to enter the madness, but so did I & most everyone else.

In today's star-studded holiday spectacular: Kiefer Sutherland; Penelope Cruz; Halle Berry; Tobey Maguire; Jennifer Garner; Lauren Sanchez; Kate Hudson; Jorja Fox; Lance Bass; Milo Ventimiglia; Axl Rose; Paul Stanley; Taylor Hawkins; Gael Garc a Bernal; Britney Spears; Alec Baldwin and Mekhi Phifer; Winona Ryder; Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper; Keanu Reeves; Kevin Costner; Lindsay Lohan and DJ AM; Amy Adams; Mena Suvari; Andy Dick; Hank Azaria; Cheryl Hines, Chloe Sevigny; Jeff Probst; Sean Hayes; Andy Milonakis; Richard Lewis; Ian Ziering; Pauly Shore and Lark Voorhies.

· busy two days in la....

12.16 saturday morning-breakfast at BLD (fantastic cheese and saucison assortment) in walks kiefer sutherland. could he be anymore divine??? tall, light, and handsome.

12.16 saturday afternoon- late lunch and a smart cocktail at the chateau, sitting next to penelope cruz looking very normal, with agent types pitching her a story. she had sort of a blank "dear-in-the-headlights" stare on her face the whole
time.

12.17 sunday afternoon- paper source beverly hills, shopping with an unbelievably gorgeous halle berry. beautiful, sweet, and very quiet.

· I saw Tobey Maguire at LACMA Sunday with famous LA sculptor(sculptress) Ver. They were in the Magritte exhibit arguing over a Ruscha painting. He was in a knit cap w/ a skull and black sweater, she had all black.

· Purchasing some last minute gifts in the Brentwood Country Market, I saw Jen Garner with her daughter. She is a very pretty lady and the baby is adorable. Wish I could say the same for her companion who looked like her face was made of marzipan. Upon closer inspection, saw it was former hoochie newscaster from the defunct UPN news, Lauren Sanchez. Girlfriend is lucky it was a cold day because that face doesn't look like it can withstand temperatures in excess of 75 degrees nor should it be visible during the holidays. Little children like to be scared at Halloween only, lady.

· Dec. 14th.
Spotted Kate Hudson at Planet Blue in Santa Monica. She spent time shopping, chatted with a friend, then dashed out the door to her car where photogs snapped into action and surrounded the car. The driver sped away and she went off into her life of privilege nepotism. I'm sure she's lovely, but she walks like the world is at her feet. Of course, with her pedigree, that's not so unusual, but really, would she be where she is without her connections? Si possible, but a toss up.

Dec. 14th.
Jorja Fox (Sara Sidle from CSI) at JCrew Fashion Square
Lance Bass at JCrew Fashion Square
Milo Ventimiglia (Jess from Gilmore Girls and now from Heroes) at JCrew Fashion Square

· put me down for a rock star triple header.

friday, 12/15, lunchtime. paul stanley of kiss enjoying a little nosh at the beverly glen deli, complete with a baseball cap, flavored dasani and tall, good looking blonde.

sunday, 12/17, dusk. taylor hawkins of the foo fighters at the register of the cvs on the woodland hills/calabasas border with a lady friend.

monday, 12/18, 5pm. axl rose, grocery shopping (!) with a striking looking and european-accented brunette at the gelson's in calabasas. there was no mistaking him with the yarn on his head, oversized platinum cross and leather jacket featuring the words 'fuck you' printed upside down under a tiger. he was walking around, following his girlfriend's cart and snacking out of a can of pringles. considering this guy was a rock god and total recluse for the better part of the last 15 years, to see him quietly out and about amongt the west valley's finest house fraus, taking a great interest in the local suburban haagen dazs selection was kind of mindblowing.

· Saw Gael Garc a Bernal hanging out with a bunch of other industry types on the patio of the restaurant Chaya after a screening of "Pan's Labyrinth" tonight. The guy is surprisingly slight of frame and short (5'6" I'd guess), but just as unfairly handsome in real life as he is on screen. He was nursing a bottle of Pilsner Urquell while wearing a leather jacket over a vintage tee (alas, not one featuring Che Guevara) and those Weezer horn-rim glasses that are so popular. It turned out that the tall guy with the windswept salt-and-pepper hair wearing a blazer he was talking to was fellow charolastra, "Y Tu Mam Tambi n" director Alfonso Cuar n.

· I saw Britney Spears at the Lakers-Wizards game last night sitting courtside at center court with a member of the striped shirt mafia and some random blond girl. Unfortunately the 3x optical zoom on my camera limited my ability to determine, with any great degree of certainty, whether she is truly back on Team Panty. They left midway through the 3rd quarter and were thus spared the pain of watching Gilbert Arenas drop 60 on the Lakers.

· Double bubble at the 24-Hr Fitness Sherman Oaks. First up, ER's Dr Pratt aka Mekhi Phifer hitting the weights in sleeveless sweats. Surprisingly beefy, but warm smiles and hugs for a couple of hot chicks who knew him. Then - oh bliss — enter the sweat-drenched presence of 30 Rock's Alec Baldwin. He is, ahem, a person of size these days, but that is, as we know, the price for a character actor renaissance.

Okay, the details — blue Adidas top, kept zipped up, so no chest hair explosion; piercing blue eyes; very ursine (bearlike) hands. Total old school - no personal trainer, towel on the floor, drinks from the communal fountain. He's such a man's man, it's genius. In between reps, he actually stood there like General Patton, hands on hips, surveying the terrain.

· Saw ms Winona Ryder today at Barnes and Noble at the Grove. She was in the magazine section with her good friend looking at all the displayed Mags. She was looking sweet and very tiny.

· What's up with The Grove? On my way to the 4:30 showing of The Good German today (12/15) I saw Jennifer Esposito and fiance Bradley Cooper walking arm in arm looking very happy. She looked gorgeous. Then at Barnes and Noble a few minutes before the show, Ralph Garman from KROQ's morning show was perusing the cheap books, and later picked up a copy of the Forsythe Saga mini-series on DVD. So I guess he's so blase about his pornstar wife, he has to turn to ye olde BBC miniseries for excitement. Then as the credits rolled and I scooted down the row to leave...I realized I'd been sitting next to Ralph's nemesis, a shaggy-bearded Keanu Reeves (and date).

· Hit the outdoor deck at Moonshadows in Malibu (yes, the watering hole of choice for Jew-baiting celebrities) to enjoy some cocktails and overpriced calamari with friends late yesterday afternoon and sat down adjacent to Kevin Costner and Friends. He was holding court with 3 other producer-looking types. It looked more like business than pleasure. Costner was unshaven and looked rather ruddy complected—-or maybe that's just the celebrity Malibu glow??

· Christmas: a time when celebrities will come to the Grove even on Saturdays. Amy Adams, standing outside J. Crew, apparently waiting for someone despite brisk wind and cold. Her eyes were a little baggy (holiday stresses perhaps) but otherwise button-cute. Sadly, I was too self-absorbed to notice what she was wearing.

· After seeing the incredible Peaches perform for the fifth time, my friends and I went to Whitey's (the opening band) after party but alas Peaches did not show up. Whitey was there, and so were DJ Aoki and DJ AM. Someone who resembled Lindsay BLOWhan stopped by briefly wearing a helluva trench coat-dress thingy. She tried to fade into the background unnoticed.

· 12/18- I was having dinner at the Corral Tree Cafe in Brentwood when I realized Mena Suvari was sitting next to me. She was having tea with a friend. She had on a beret, huge boots and her fingernails were painted black and white. She looked normal (for Corral Tree Cafe, that is) and it took me a couple times to realize it was her. Pretty girl.

· 12/16: Andy Dick at Westwood Brew Co. Saturday at 1pm. He was there drinking beer at the entrance with a couple. We had just finished a final and he was greeting us in a tipsy mocking sort of way. Loud and obnoxious, he sidled over to our table to gain more attention with beer in hand and made up being there for a premiere. Those he didn't annoy/disgust asked for a picture. A friend noted that Andy Dick is like the Pauley Shore of our generation. Very apt.

· Rushing to the mall (Westside Pavillion to be exact) on a Friday night to buy, not Christmas Gifts, but clothes for a getaway to Norco, CA (nevermind that part) and who do my 'lil sis and I see as we descend the escalator but Hank Azaria wandering aimlessly around the third level. He had a huge green shopping bag in hand and kept looking over the railing & turning around in circles. I think he was lost. I mean, why the hell else would anyone of his celeb stature shop at Westside Pavillion? Oh...wait...

· 12-15 Two interesting sightings:

Cheryl Hines, with a cart full o' holiday gifts at the West Hollywood Target, steering with one hand and clutching cellphone to ear with the other. She looks like a more attractive Gelfling.

Later I spotted Chloe Sevigny wandering through the aisles at Bed Bath & Beyond at the Sunset and Vine complex. I almost didn't recognize her without Vincent Gallo's — eh, that's too easy.

· saturday dec 16- jeff probst practically sprinting into, where else? The grove farmers market. he had on a denim shirt, no seriously. does he buy in bulk from ll bean? smiled at me as he whizzed by.

sunday dec 17 - pinkberry on larchmont. sean hayes eating fro-yo with male companion. not karen.

· Yesterday, 12/15, I got a two-fer! On my way to a company holiday lunch, I was driving up Fairfax near Canter's, when I saw Andy Milonakis on the corner, waiting to cross. He had an unlit cigarette in one hand, looking like your average thirty-something-guy-with-an-incredibly-young-fat-kid-face.

Then, as I was running into the Mondrian to get to Asia de Cuba for the lunch (I was incredibly late and had an "Ugly Betty" like experience with parking - valets make me nervous!), I spot comedian Richard Lewis sitting alone at a table, joking and saying goodbye to a departing couple. Apparently he was waiting for his lunch companions, as later on he moved to the patio near where we were sitting.

· Wednesday night, 12/13, I was walking down Sunset Blvd and I saw Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) at that small cigar lounge near the House of Blues. He was standing in the doorway smoking a cigar, talking with the guys inside. Seemed like they were all having a good time.

· I was at Jinky's on Sunset late on Saturday morning. Pauly Shore was there and he had his feet up on the table where he and his buddies were eating. No one complained and no one who worked at the restaurant told him to quit it. Fucking disgusting asshole.

· Here's one off the D-list: Saw Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) getting her nails did in Eagle Rock on Saturday. She's very pretty but was wearing a hell of a lot of make-up for the middle of the day and pearls the size of gumballs. She seemed especially overdone in comparison to her mother (I recognized her from the True Hollywood Story on child stars) who was wearing sweatpants, a giant poncho and heels.

In today's episode: James Woods; Sharon Stone and Nelly; Jason Davis; Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner; Reese Witherspoon, Greg Kinnear, David Spade, Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O'Connell; Cuba Gooding Jr.; Kevin Nealon; Tom Arnold; Breckin Meyer and Catherine O'Hara; Edward Norton; Dylan Walsh; Chris Rock; Paris Hilton; Stephen Dorff, Johnny Knoxville and Jeff Garlin; Jason Alexander, Robert Forster and Ron Jeremy; Bryan Singer, Sarah Silverman and Jeffrey Ross; Bryce Dallas Howard; Adam Brody and Ashlee Simpson; Justin Long; Randy Quaid; Benjamin Mackenzie and Monica Keena; Joel Michaely; Camryn Manheim and Jennifer Love Hewitt; Jeanne Tripplehorn; will.i.am; Eddie Steeples; Joel Grey; Jay Manuel; Kristin Cavallari; Lukas Rossi and Lauren Conrad.

· Sharon Stone at a corner booth at the Polo Lounge Saturday night, Dec. 2. having an intense conversation with Nelly the rapper.

Also earlier in the day saw James Woods with a very young blonde girl who did not look a day over 19. Who knows, could be his niece? As we were leaving, saw Jason Davis strolling in alone. Guess he didn't have any luck getting in anywhere else.

· Saturday (12/2) having dinner at Capo in Santa Monica. Who should come in and sit at the 4-top next to us but Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. They sat on adjacent sides of the table, facing out into the room. Both looked great - Ben had about a week's worth of beard, Jen was in a hot little black dress. Ben talked a lot and touched Jen's arm a lot. Dude's tall. They ate their meals, split a half-bottle of wine (?!) and left without fanfare.

· On Saturday night 12/2 I attended the Hollygrove Orphanage Holiday Party. It was a starstudded event at an under the radar restaurant in Santa Monica on PCH called the Brass Cap. Reese Witherspoon looked beautifully single all in black with slick straight hair and spent the evening talking to many and I distinctly heard her commenting multiple times on the benefits of the organization. Also there, was Catherine O'Hara with her husband who was chatting up Cuba Gooding Jr., Kevin Nealon, Jerry O'Connell introducing very loudly his FIANCE Rebecca Romijn, Tom Arnold and David Spade who both seem to have the same drinking problem (addiction to Diet Cokes), Breckin Meyer and a pretty woman I assume to be his wife who spent a lot of time with Reese. Greg Kinnear was flying solo and making the rounds around the room with the jam packed countless number of Hollywood players. Catherine and Cuba seemed a bit tipsy at the end but they also seemed like they were having the best time. Cuba must be one of the nicest guys in the Hollywood, talking to everyone equally including the bartender and hot staff, commenting on his being the only brother in the room as well as the fact that he was a happily married man with three kids. While almost everyone was silent during the speech about the kids at the orphanage there were some exceptions namely: Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca, and Tom Arnold who hanging at the bar got some nasty looks from everyone else in the room trying to get them to shut up.

· Saw the awesome Edward Norton having breakfast Monday morning at BLD on Beverly with a Salma Hayek type. Looked great, if tired

· Thursday night, 11/30, Dylan Walsh at Buddha's Belly on Beverly. He was sitting at the bar, waiting to be seated for dinner with a couple (male) friends. Every head turned when he entered the restaurant.

Friday morning, 12/1, Chris Rock walking through the Farmer's Market at the Grove. He was by himself, talking on his cell phone.

· Saturday afternoon, 12/2, Paris Hilton at Kitson. Does she ever shop anywhere else?! She had on sunglasses, a baseball cap and talked on her cell phone non-stop. There were paparazzi crowding the entrance and at least 20 tourists standing on the sidewalk, pressed up against the windows, desperate for a sighting.

· Friday night (12/1) at the John Waters Christmas Special at Royce Hall: Stephen Dorff walked in ahead of me with a gal who was almost a foot taller than he (which isn't saying much; that guy is short!). Also: Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Garlin.

· Thursday Night (11/30) the side room @ Nobu in Malibu was a veritable cavalcade of stars... Cindy Crawford & Randy Gerber, Marla Maples, Steven Dorff with a hot brunette, and a very pregnant Brooke Burke and David Charvet.

· Spotted at the Grove on 11/22/06 — how's this for a triumvirate:
— Jason Alexander
— Robert Forster
— Porn star Ron Jeremy

· Monday, December 4, at 2pm- Bryan Singer (sans boys!) at Hugos in West Hollywood

Monday, December 4 at 2pm- The beautiful Sarah Silverman and a slovenly Jeffrey Ross lunching together at Hugos in West Hollywood.

· My first time at Pinkberry ever (yes, I know, I'm a couple years behind) and I'm enjoying my fruit-addled yogurt. I'm facing the wall and my buddy says something along the lines of: "look at that pregnant chick, she's wearing all these designer clothes...why?"
Before I could question his sexuality for noticing her attire, I turn around to see redhead-turned-blondie BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD (back to her redhead self again). This Lady's Water has definitely not broken yet, as she was looking BIG, but ready to pop. I wouldn't necessarily say she had the "knocked up glow" going on, but she certainly wasn't looking bad. Anyway, she got TWO large cups of pinkberry with all sorts of fruit on it and carried both gigantic tubs of yogurt out of the WeHo location herself. Gwen Stacy was always hotter than Mary Jane, if you ask me.

· Saturday night, 12/2 - I saw Adam Brody's band Big Japan play before Ima Robot at the Viper Room. Ashlee Simpson showed up with some girlfriends and sat down in the back with Brody and his friends. I was told that Kristen Cavallari of "the real O.C." was also present, but the place was so full of identical, cheesy-looking blondes that I could not pick her out of the pack. In case you care, Brody is actually a pretty damn good drummer, but the band played very generic, forgettable rock. The blondes could not get enough, while Ashlee sat in the back and talked during their set.

· Sunday afternoon, around 4:00 PM, Farmer's Market at 3rd and Fairfax, between Loteria and French Crepe Co.: Spotted Justin Long ("Mac," or, as I remember him, the guy who stood next to Van Wilder in "Waiting" and the guy who propped up the Unsinkable Lindsay Lohan in "Herbie: Fully Loaded") eating mexican food with a guy in a fedora. Justin looked shaggy (longer hair and facial hair; not the clean cut white boy he normally looks like) and he seemed jovial. The two shook hands at one point but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Perhaps this was Microsoft's attempt to lure him to the dark side.

· Thursday, 11/30 Passing by Vendome Liquor on Olympic in Beverly Hills around 3pm, I decided to go in and do some Christmas shopping for myself, as I was in no hurry. I had just entered and was trying to decide which spirit aisle to strike first when in walks Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid), all 7 and a half feet of him. Seriously, this guy is TALL. I probably wouldn't have given him a second look and made the positive Quaid I.D. if he wasn't so tall. I'm six feet tall and I don't think I even came up to his shoulder. Anyway, he gets right down to business. He asks the semi star struck cashier if he can do lottery in his register lane, (there are two lanes), he says no, use the other check out lane. Mr. Quaid gets in line. The cashier continues in a i'm your buddy kinda voice, "How's your golf game?" Mr. Quaid responds with a total shutdown of, "I don't play anymore," to which the cashier replies, "Well, I sure loved you in that movie where you played golf." Mr. Quaid smiles and nods, then turns away, i.e. thanks, but leave me alone. The cashier continues, "Well, you sure look like you're in good shape, have you lost weight?" No response as Mr. Quaid reaches the front of the line and produces a fist full of Lotto tickets. My view was partially blocked, but I would say no less than five, no more than ten. This new cashier doesn't recognize him. He scans all the tickets, I guess to see if any of them were winners, (I don't play), then he buys a whole bunch more. I watch him pay and exit, I'm thinking, maybe he's down and out and looking for a break playing the lottery. I walk to the door to see if he's driving a shitty car. His shitty car is a very shiny new one of those silver Mercedes Box SUV's.

· On Wednesday morning, I saw Monica Keena and Benjamin Mackenzie from The OC at Bhava Salon on Melrose. Also, Joel Michaely at Hamburger Mary's with a couple of hot actressy looking blondes. And then Camryn Manheim and Jennifer Love Hewitt at Universal, but that's not weird because they work there.

· On Saturday: Jeanne Tripplehorn at the H&M in the Beverly Center, looking absolutely breathtaking.

· 12/1 I just met will.i.am (looking how he always does with a hat on) at the Armani Boutique in BH where there was a DJ and free pomegranate martinis. I went up and told him my sister loved his band and had given me a CD with one of their songs on it. He asked which one, I said I don't know, and I sang a line from the song. He said, "Don't Funk with my Heart!" and I said I love the beginning of the song. He said tell your sister "what's up!" He was very low key and approachable, and said he was there to get his RED shirt.

· I was at the Auto Show on Saturday 12-2-06, looking at Mercedes that I will never be able to afford, and I turn around and see the "My Name Is Earl" Crab Man himself, Eddie Steeples. I resisted the urge to say "Hey Crab Man", which I'm sure many did before me throughout the day. But he seems like a cool guy.

That's all I got.

· I was dining on Monday, 12-4, during happy hour at the Jewish Home For The Aged at Kate Mantilini's, and Joel Grey was there, looking pretty perky, but as short as you'd suspect. He was with some tall, shaved-headed dude in a leather bomber who was pretty handsome. I suppose I could have stared more and tried to figure out their connection, but you know, fuck, it's Joel Grey. Who cares - life's too short.

· You know, TMZ should just station their cameras outside the LAX American Airlines Admirals Club. This is the place for D-List sightings. Tuesday, 12-5. Apparently deciding he had to escape of the wrath of America in advance of the season finale of America's Next Top Model, Jay Manuel is hightailing it to Australia for reasons unknown, presumably to be fierce in lieu of Tyra. So let's critique. Dear Jay, that Louis Vuitton travel bag is just tacky - labels are so 1989. As are your torn jeans, presumably True Religion, although that's not the way I roll so I can't be sure. The black t-shirt does nothing for your figure. I mean, you are slender and have nice arms and some pecs, but the paunch down below is distracting. Your butt is also kind've big. You do have the appropriate height, but I'm worried about your feet. They are fucking huge. We're talking size 16. Forget the foot modeling career. And some advice on TSA security. Cowboy boots (distressed and antique, natch), lots of jewelry, and a queer-ass western belt with a huge buckle should be removed before entering the security check. That being said, you can't go unrecognized with that haircut. And some Maybelline would help with the rather pale and drawn face. What the hey. I'm not you, and you were really sweet the entire way through check-in, all the way to the inner sanctum of the Aadmirals Club. So you're OK with me. Have a good flight. And work it girl.

· kristin "STEPHEN, WHERE AAARE YOU" cavallari at gen art's shopLA, being followed by an entire film crew. aren't you special.

· I'm on a plane from LAX to DFW on 12-5 and who jumps on board but Lukas Rossi, the winner of this past year's Rockstar: Supernova (although thanks to TVGasm, I will always remember him as "Oompalukas" ). He's with a Smurfette, who's even about 6" shorter than him, which puts her at dwarf status (also honey Smurfette, midget fireplugs do not do any justice to tight grey pull-over one-piece sweater dresses and white Ugg boots [what little justice there was left to be had]). Oompalukas had his blonde mohawk cascading over his brunette hair, and had applied every single bit of his trademark mascara. But no one noticed him, perhaps because he was sitting in coach (zing). He got off the plane ducking his head and wearing sunglasses although I'm not sure why, because absolutely no one knew who this stupid little guy was (except for me, and that causes me great shame). Anywhose, I knew J.D. Fortune, and Oompalukas, you are not him. Give it up.*

*Full Disclosure: I'm a card carrying member of Team Zayra.

· Was at Les Deux on Saturday night and Lauren Conrad et al. were filming The Hills at the table next to ours. This is pretty much what I envisioned Hollywood to be like before I moved here... no matter where you go someone is bound to be filming a reality TV show...

Anyhow, there was little interaction between the two tables until are 1:30 when some girl at our table decided that she was going to walk over to LC's table and "accidentally" spill her (girl from our table) entire drink all over her (LC's) back. I watched with mouth agape as one for the girls from LC's table then retaliated by throwing her entire drink all over the girl from our table. I was very intoxicated at this point so I don't remember too well what happened next but I can report that there was unfortunately NOT a full-blown cat fight. Only some light name-calling. I later found myself engaged in conversation with the Hills girls, apologizing for the incident. They were all cool about it, way cooler than I would have been had I got a drink poured all over me for no reason. I took the opportunity to tell LC how much I enjoyed Laguna Beach back in the Halcyon days of 2003, and she graciously accepted my uninspired drunken praise.

I was going to ask her out for gelato... but I figured "too soon."

Just after shooting ended Saturday, Nick Papac, 25, of Los Angeles was driving an all-terrain vehicle on the freeway, which had been closed to the public, NBC reported.

Papac crashed the golf-cart-sized vehicle into a SUV carrying the director of the film, according to a press release from officials with the movie.

After paramedics with Universal Pictures/Forward Pass attended to Papac, he was airlifted to a local hospital, where he died a few hours later from severe head injuries, according to NBC. [...]

Papac's death was the second, far worse, accident that has plagued "The Kingdom."

Garner passed out due to the heat while filming the movie last week, according to an online report. [...]

On Friday, Access obtained this exclusive statement from Jen's rep:

"Jennifer wasn't feeling well after working all day Friday (August 4) in the Arizona heat, went to the hospital and was released the next morning. She is back on set and healthy."

On Saturday, August 12, Access Hollywood's Billy Bush sat down with Garner's husband, Ben Affleck, to find out the latest on Jen's condition.

"How is Jen doing?" Billy asked.

"She's great. Absolutely fabulous," Ben said. "Today she's in a desert, upside-down spinning around in car that's pretending to have been blown up in 110-degree heat in Phoenix."

We realize it's probably tough for Access Hollywood to squeeze in a heavy story like this in between up-to-the-minute reports on Tori Spelling's feud with her mom, but if they're going to do a story about an actual vehicular fatality, they at least could have spared us Affleck's "Jennifer is having so much fun lately pretending to be in car accidents!" anecdote.

• Man Dies On Set Of Jennifer Garner's Film [AccessHollywood.com]

EXCLUSIVE: JENNIFER GARNER GIVES BIRTH!!!!!
Us Weekly has learned exclusively that Jennifer Garner ,33, has given birth to a baby daughter. Sources confirm to Us that Garner, whose due date was December 8, had her labor induced at an L.A. hospital. The actress is married to Ben Affleck,33. ''They induced last night,'' a friend of the couple tells Us. ''Ben was with her the entire time.''

Thus the cycle of celebrity childbirth begins anew: Once the overjoyed parents are done with their initial round of cooing at the career-crimping—but unconditionally loved!—product of their relationship, serious negotiations for the first photographic images of the baby girl can commence. And until one of the glossies steps up with an acceptable seven-figure offer, stay-at-home dad Ben Affleck will have to leave the peanut at home while making his daily Starbucks runs, lest paparazzi lenses compromise the couple's newest revenue stream.

UPDATE: A stringer from E! News apparently beat an obstetrics nurse severely enough to make her cough up the newborn's name: Violet. Cute, dainty, a little bit boring. Are we disappointed that Affleck and Garner didn't veer into Apple or Coco territory? Sure. Are we holding out hope that they'll go for crazy-naming glory when Violet's little brother arrives 10 months from now? You bet your sweet little ass we are.

• EXCLUSIVE: JENNIFER GARNER GIVES BIRTH!!!!! [US Weekly]
• Previously: Is “Mistake” A Sex? [Defamer]

A Lowdown spy reports that the caffeinated couple has snagged an exclusive "seven-figure" contract with Starbucks Coffee Co. to drink, be photographed with and generally promote the popular java around the country. [...]

Garner's publicist didn't respond to detailed messages, but reps for Affleck and Starbucks insisted that Lowdown's account was all steam and no bean.

"No contract with Starbucks," Affleck's flack Ken Sunshine E-mailed. "Maybe Ben likes Starbucks and is willing to ignore the morons who spend their life waiting to take the same photo every day of him drinking coffee."

Unfortunately for Sunshine and his client, the paparazzi aren't likely to abandon their Starbucks post any time soon, knowing that the only thing standing between them and a comfortable retirement is that perfect, telephoto-lens photo of Affleck stepping behind the espresso bar and modeling his green apron for the first time.

• Any grounds to Ben/Jen java story? [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Publicist Snaps, Fingers Own Kind [Defamer]