Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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We've seen this sort of behavior before, most notably with people like Jude Law and Colin Farrell, guys who were made into leading men before they had time to prove that they had the chops for such a responsibility. Let lessons be learned from the past and let's put Butler on probation.

Why does this misbehaving star deserve to be grounded? Well, after some early success in a Tomb Raider movie and the title role in the abysmal film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, Butler and his abs starred in the surprise hit 300, grossing half a billion worldwide and making a legion of fanboys, ladies, and gay men very happy in the process. Because of this crossover appeal, his handlers thought that he could simultaneously dabble in both action and romantic comedy. That could be true, but he hasn't bothered to be in a good movie since 300. Crappy movies are crappy in any genre.

With P.S. I Love You and The Ugly Truth, his rom-coms with Hilary Swank and Katherine Heigl respectively, were both box office flops and critical duds. Gamer, released last month to deafening silence, has barely made a mark and struggled to get past the $20 million mark. It has been a series of missteps for this Scotsman. Citizen, which costars Jamie Foxx, had a good showing at the box office, but critics lit into it, which means that it probably won't rally much more in coming weeks.

While not as bad as Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr or professional bad decision makers Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Butler is headed down that path if we don't intervene. If he can't pull out a decent project or two then he will be banned from all movies, tabloids, red carpet affairs, awards ceremonies, and celebrity relationships. If he can stay out of the press for three years, he may be rewarded with the starring role on a CBS procedural. This is your punishment Butler, so you better shape up.

Next year's Jennifer Aniston comedy The Bounty could go either way. Aniston was in The Break Up, the best romantic comedy of the decade, but the quality probably had more to do with the writing and direction than her abilities. It better work out, because if not, Butler is well on his way to being an over-valued, over-paid star who can't open anything bigger than a cereal box. If it does, along with maybe a prestige picture or a great cameo in a smaller film, then we will reinstate him into our good grace. Until them, he's in a professional time out.

[Image via Getty]

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

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Ok!
"Pregnant At 40!"
Notice how the words "it's a bump!" appear on the cover, but it doesn't actually say "baby bump," because that might be a lie? And though the main cover line is "Pregnant at 40," below that, the deck insinuates that she's ready to be pregnant at 40. Inside, we learn that Jennifer Aniston went to the premiere of Love Happens and an onlooker says, "Her midsection was definitely more rounded than usual… At one point she was running her hands across her stomach." Later in the article, a source says that if Jennifer's not pregnant now, she will be in the very near future, because she's "set her heart" on getting pregnant before her 41st birthday. Moving on: The magazine "invites" readers to the wedding of Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom, but writes: "See next week's issue for the exclusive photos and interview." So it's not really an invitation, is it. Also: The story goes, "While Kourtney is due to give birth to her first child in December, it looks like Khloe will be the first to become a mom." That's because Lamar has two kids. Even though Khloe has known Lamar (and his kids) for less than a month, a source says "She's a great stepmom already."
Grade: [Academic probation continues]

Life & Style
The cover picture is from when Khloe was on Celebrity Apprentice in March. Inside, we learn that Khloe and her mother planned a wedding in 2 weeks, and Khloe and Lamar both lost a parent to cancer. Moving on: Katherine Heigl's new adopted Korean baby has "special needs," but we don't know what her special needs are. Next: Will weight gain destroy Renée Zellweger's relationship? She's getting cozy with Bradley Cooper, but now she has to pack on pounds for the Bridget Jones sequel. The mag says: "Now… she has a man she wants to stay in shape for." Next, there are more shots of Jennifer Aniston's tummy, and her hand on her tummy (See image 7). Margaret thinks it is a conspiracy, cooked up by Jen herself, to get people talking. In The Baster, Jen plays a woman who opts for artificial insemination to have a baby; when asked if that's in the cards for her, Jen said: "I'm ready for anything — bring it on!" So the magazine presents a sidebar called "Who Will She Ask?" Meaning: For sperm. The nominees are Gerard Butler, Jen's hairstylist, and John Mayer. Lastly: There are cliques on the set of the Twilight flick! Kellan Lutz, who plays vampire Emmet Cullen, says: "All of the humans usually stick together. And all the wolves do. And the vampires. We try to mix it up, but it's just something that happens."
Grade: D- ("I'm Lovin' It")

In Touch
"Brad's Moving Out."
This entire story is based on Brad flying to Spain for the San Sebastian International Film Festival. It only lasts a week, but the mag says "Brad has been living out of a suitcase for more than a week." Angie supposedly kicked him out if the house and said this time it's for good, because he didn't want to go with her to Ethiopia. He's been looking at apartments in Paris… which is 500 miles away from where his kids live, Chateau Mirval. Jessica Simpson "can't handle" another loss. A concerned friend says she's not eating or sleeping and is "barely functioning" since Daisy disappeared. The friend adds: "It's the worst thing that ever happened to her." The mag continues: "Jessica's pooch has been loyal to her in a way that no man has ever been." Next: "Is Jon A Sex Addict? His Women Speak Out." Jon Gosselin's rep says he's "flattered" that women claim to have been with him, but he's only been with one woman: Hailey. Stephanie Santoro says Jon is not shy about picking up strangers: If his friends spot a good-looking girl, he asks them for a picture of their breasts. Dr. Judy Kuransky, who does not treat Jon, thinks he is a sex addict. A friend of Kate Gosselin's says Jon has turned into a male slut. Someone else says that Stephanie and Jon had sex in the basement of Jon's house while a friend watched, and it was Jon's idea. Kate Major says one time her father called her while she was with Jon and Jon said, "Did you tell your dad he's going to be a stepgrandfather to 8 kids?" Moving along: The real reason Avril Lavigne is separating from Deryck Whibley? She's having a relationship with Brandon Davis. Last year Deryck texted Brandon: Stay away from my wife. But recently, Brandon gave Avril an ultimatum; he likes her but doesn't want to date a married woman. Then there's a six page thing called "Celebrity Weight Debate: How Thin Is Too Thin?" 100% of readers think Posh is "scary skinny." 71% of readers think Lindsay looks "unhealthy." And so on. Finally: Friends want Kanye West to go to rehab. A group of his pals confronted him in an "informal intervention" because he was chugging Hennessy on the red carpet before the MTV Awards. "They fear he's going to destroy his career if he continues to act like a fool." The only source in this story is an employee at a hotel in Hawaii where Kanye has stayed, who says: "He hangs out at the Veranda bar and drinks expensive liquor." And who wouldn't? There's a sidebar about how much he's changed since his mother died — now he hangs with a "wild crowd" which includes — gasp! — Amber Rose, who "used to be a stripper, has posed nude and has dated women, too."
Grade: C, downgraded to D for ridiculous cover story ("Like I Love You")

Us
"Heartbreak And A New Tragedy."
Since Daisy's disappearance, Jessica Simpson has been distraught. A witness saw Jess at a birthday dinner on September 19 and says: "She looked really down and didn't eat much." The mag adds: "Drinking wine and sangria was not a problem, especially when the music of her ex-boyfriend, John Mayer, started blasting throughout the Italian wine bar." A source says: "Daisy was her baby. She's devastated… She isn't sleeping, barely eating, and is crying her eyes out. She feels like she's being punished for something. Jessica is very spiritual and relates things back to God." Next: Emmy Rossum, 23, is dating Adam Duritz, 45. He Tweeted: "She's the coolest chick I've ever met." We bet! In Brad and Angelina news: Even though there were tabloid reports that the twins, Knox and Vivienne, had health issues, which is why they were never seen, a source says "They're perfectly healthy." There are four pages of Kourtney Kardashian explaining why she's with her ex, who sperminated her, in "Why I Took Scott Back." When asked what do you love about Kourtney? Scott replied: "I think she's gorgeous. I think her body's perfect. And there is no one in the world I care more about making happy." Translation: She's hot and I knocked her up. Chynna Phillips, whose half sister Mackenzie has just dropped the bomb that she had sex with their father, says: "After long nights of heroin use, she's claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her. Was he actually raping her? I don't know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and it went on for 10 years? Yes." Also inside, in Gosselin news, a source says that Judy, the kids' main nanny, might as well be their mother: "She spends more time with them than anyone." Lastly: Dustin Diamond's tell-all spills juicy secrets about the Saved By The Bell cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar took steroids; castmembers hooked up after the cameras stopped rolling; Mario Lopez was once investigated for date rape.
Grade: D+ ("Señorita")

Star
"Reliving Their Nightmare"
John Travolta is going to be called as a witness in his extortion case in the Bahamas, which will make him "relive his nightmare." A friend says: "It's like Jett is dying all over again." Angie and Brad have had "their biggest blow up ever!" When Angie was in Ethiopia with Shiloh and Zahara, she met an Ethiopian girl in an orphanage she wanted to adopt — even her daughters met this girl and hugged her as they were leaving. Brad doesn't want to adopt again so soon, and he accused Angie of being "like a kid in the pet store, wanting all the cute puppies." She screamed at him that these weren't dogs — these were children. The mag claims that Angie's already started the paperwork and things are going forward. Moving on: Kelis and Nas are back together! They reunited after spending quality time with their 2-month-old son and had a long talk about making it work. Next: Pamela Anderson is a "dead beat diva." She's had a number of liens filed against her, totally more than $1.2 million. She hired a bunch of contractors to work on her house in Malibu and is now refusing to pay. You know how David Hasslehoff went to the hospital last week? The mag claims it was from alcohol poisoning. His daughter Hayley found him half-conscious; but he denies that he was drunk and says his ear medication mixed with his anti-alcoholic drugs caused the problem. Still: Hayley rolled her eyes when she heard that excuse and he allegedly had alcohol on his breath and a glass of vodka near him when she found him. A surgeon who does not treat Courtney Love says "she's definitely had work on her eyes, cheeks, chin and lips." Duh! (See image 6). Robert Pattinson is "tired of his sex symbol image," so he stuck a picture of himself on a dartboard in his trailer. He takes shot at it, and asks everyone else to do the same. And! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made out in the dressing room of a store in Toronto — they came out "mussed up and breathing heavily." Blind item! "Which actor refused to take pictures at the premiere of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs because he thought he was too sweaty? Hyperhidrosis or hyperdiva?" Hailey Glassman got a boob job! Another magazine said she had surgery for a cyst in her leg; but this mag says she got the "lollipop lift" that makes one breast smaller and lifts them both. A "friend" says Hailey confided: "I feel like I need to compete with all the other perfect girls going after Jon." Hailey would also like to straighten her hair and get "whiter, bigger" teeth. Jon will get lipo on his pot belly. Finally: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are experiencing "trouble in paradise." Justin went to an MTV VMA afterparty where Rihanna sat on his lap and they grinded; then he freaked when someone took a picture. A source says of Justin and Rihanna: "He's been sweating her for a long time… Rihanna thinks he's hot and would definitely date him." Justin and Jess were spotted walking their dogs on September 16 but weren't holding hands or speaking to each other and Jess looked miserable. A few days later, Justin went to the Emmys alone, and flirted with Olivia Wilde.
Grade: C- ("SexyBack")

The five newly revealed scenes from Aniston's new filmLove Happens show the famed actress standing erect during shooting, moving her lips and forcing muted sounds to emit from within her body. But other than these basic motions, Aniston shows few signs of actually being alive during the shooting of this film.

On close study of the clips, her emotional range can be seen tilting from "slightly bummed" to "kinda okay" — a range often studied in hibernating creatures in the wild. Slumbering bears, for instance, will often terrify hikers who stumble across them into believing they are actually awake when they raise one corner of their mouth and tilt their heads back and forth in a "yeah, kinda" motion.

Fears that she might actually be dead while making this film rather than merely asleep were put to rest when careful study of at the second clip revealed a moment of "pissed off" emotion — a feeling considered far beyond the capacity of most human corpses.

Ok!
"How I Lost 41 Lbs Without Surgery!"
As you may know — because The View has been covering it extensively — Sherri Shepherd was on a diet and fitness plan. The only way that this story is different from the usual celebrity diet story is there's a picture with tuna on a salad as a lunch suggestion, instead of chicken. Also, Sherri doesn't want to get a breast reduction, because those are the boobs God gave her. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart cuddled at a Kings Of Leon concert and — "while the band played 'Sex On Fire' — sucked serious face." Lindsay Lohan was being considered for a movie version of the novel Undiscovered Gyrl, but the author says that LL's fame and baggage would work against her. The book is about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, and Miley Cyrus is interested, but the author thinks Miley is too wholesome. Lastly: "Jen Tells Renée: You Can Have Bradley." Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper were both seeing other people when they went on their date; Jen is bored the whole thing and is fine with Bradley dating Renée. "She's less interested in Renée than in why she'd choose a guy who'd be interested in someone like Renée. She's disappointed in herself more than anything…"
Grade: F (mystery meat with freezer burn)

Star
"Celebs Who Beat Cellulite!" BREAKING: Cellulite happens. And it's fun for some mags to ignore the big picture and just pick apart a woman's anatomy! Still our LEAST favorite kind of cover story, and we've bared our dimpled asses for the world to see! Uma Thurman had "lymphatic drainage massage." Britney Spears ate turkey burgers and worked out. Jennifer Love Hewitt started working out four to five times a week. Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham increased their workout frequencies; Amanda Bynes no longer eats pizza at midnight. And so forth. Then there is the section called "Cellu-Losers," with the subhead "Don't Give Up, Girls!" where the magazine had to try really really hard to find cellulite on Tara Reid, Kristin Cavallari and Annalynne McCord. There are no men in this eight-page extravaganza, by the by. Moving on: Jamie-Lynn Spears and Gwyneth Paltrow were both spotted not wearing marriage/engagement rings. Report them to the relationship cops! Lookee: High school yearbook photos (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which comedian's not-so-funny sexual comments caused his costar to walk off the set of their upcoming film? The crew found it hysterical, but the target had to be begged to come back." Justin Ross Lee, the "Facebook celebrity" who photographed Ashley Olsen while she was on a plane, recently shared a five-hour flight from LA to NYC with Brad Pitt, and snapped pix of the actor sleeping and eating, then sold them to Star. Kourtney Kardashian's family wants her to dump baby daddy Scott Disick, who has cheated on her in the past. They broke off their engagement because he wouldn't stop flirting with other women. KK thinks the pregnancy is great for raising her profile and wants to open a children's clothing store in L.A. and design a maternity line. Re: Kate Gosselin and the cops: Apparently Cara And Mady saw Jon Gosselin getting touchy-feely with the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, and freaked out and called their mom. A source says that Stephanie is the one who called the cops. The mag includes an interview with Stephanie's former boyfriend, who says she has a thing for married men and got pregnant by a guy she was working for. Lastly: An inspired Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart headline: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
Grade: D- (frozen peas)

In Touch:
"The Fight To End All Fights."
Trouble in paradise for Tom and Katie! Tom Cruise went to visit Katie Holmes while she was filming in Australia. First they argued because he stopped to greet fans on his way to see her; she flipped out and he stormed off the set. The next fight was at their hotel, where Tom was watching Suri and she wanted to watch cartoons instead of going for a walk with him. He thinks Katie is spoiling Suri because she works long hours and by the time she comes home, she's tired and just lets Suri do whatever she wants. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat Tom or Katie, says: Suri is learning that relationships between men and women involve squabbling. And that Katie was "lost in lust" during the courtship, but now they're both surprised/disappointed by one another's behavior. And! Tom and Katie need therapy. Moving on: Britney is "once again displaying dangerous mood swings" since she had a "crazed" 15-minute shopping spree where her eyes were "glassy." Why is Brad Pitt drinking so much? He was smashed at the premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife, which he produced. Angelina refused to go to the premiere because Brad bought it as a vehicle for himself and then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and Jen called to wish him luck before the premiere, which made Angie "hit the roof." An insider says Brad is having a "sort of mid life crisis" since he joked recently, "I'm just a drunk." Next: "Have These Stars Had Boob Jobs?" is a closer look at the chests of Jennifer Aniston, Anna Faris, Drew Barrymore, Brooke Hogan, Leona Lewis, Haylie Duff and Ciara.
Grade: D (half-melted Creamsicles)

Us
"Why He Chose Renée"
So. Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger: "It's on," says a source. This article was written by someone on Team Renée, because it is very derogatory towards Jennifer Aniston. A source says Jen feels "rejected and upset" and "screwed over" and "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." But! Another source points out that guys like Renée because she is "so no-drama," "she just does her thing, has her life, and is cool." Also: "She's really happy, she doesn't need anyone to feel complete. She isn't absorbed by Hollywood." Whereas Jennifer "won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment - -what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." And! Bradley Cooper once said, when it comes to a woman: "I'd say authenticity is the only prerequisite." Apparently Jennifer Aniston is "not natural" and everything she does "is an act." Renée is "super fun" and is always "laughing and optimistic about life." And! "People want to be with her because she makes them happy." Moving along: Michelle Trachtenberg and Jason Segel: Spotted "all over each other." Kate Gosselin was at a hotel with her bodyguard and they signed in as "The Michaels." So the speculation is that there's something going on there and she's been hiding it. Also, Jon thinks she's less than truthful about finances.
Grade: D+ (Fla-Vor-Ice)

Life & Style
"He's A Dirtbag." In an interview, Kate Major says that she and Jon Gosselin had three sexual encounters. "He was a great kisser, " she says. "It was amazing…" At some point they kissed in a car and Jon asked her what she thought it would be like if they slept together. She says: "We kissed, we hugged, we held hands, he'd hold me when we were asleep. I have nothing bad to say about him intimacy-wise. But I will say he likes to play." Then on July 29 he dumped her and said he was going to stay with Hailey Glassman. Kate says: "He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag." And! "Looking back now it was all pretty much sexual and that's all he had in mind." YOU THINK? The mag has a headline: "He Treats Women Like Servants — And Takes Them For Fast Food." That's because Kate Major had to pick up his dry cleaning and like McDonald's for breakfast. KM says she resigned from her job at Star because he told her he'd hire her as a personal assistant. He said he was going to Massachusetts to break up with Hailey; but then sent KM a message that said "Do not contact me again." Next: Interested in the coverline "Shiloh Saved A Village Of Kids!" ? You may be disappointed to learn that she didn't do it alone: When the little Jolie-Pitt was born, Angie and Brad sold the pictures for $4 million. Part of that money went towards 72 bicycles for two schools in Namibia. It used to take the students 2 hours to get to school, and they'd get home after dark, etc. Now, with bikes, everything is much better, and one of the kids says: "I think Angelina Jolie must be a saint. She must be a holy person." The Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart "make out" pictures are so vague that they require arrows (Fig. 2). Lastly: "Do Stars Eat Less Than We Do?" features Tori Spelling. She has cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and lamb chops for dinner, and snacks on avocados. They estimate she eats about 2,043 calories a day, and is healthy.
Grade: C (broken Eskimo Pie)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

OK!
"I Still Love Nick!" At no point in this story is there a quote from Jessica Simpson saying, "I still love Nick." Instead, there's information about how, on August 1, Jess went to Katsuya in West Hollywood with Ken Paves and sister Ashlee and John Mayer stopped by. He poured champagne and told jokes for them! Jess got so tipsy that she wanted to drunk dial ex Tony Romo, but Ashlee took the phone away. Moving on: Brad and Angie believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something. They've been apart because taking breaks put the spice back in their life. Also inside: Old pictures of Michael Jackson's SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD Omer Bhatti at Prince Jackson's first birthday. Omer is wearing at hat which reads, "Doo-Doo." Also be sure and check out the picture of MJ and Omer on an elephant. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: No longer an item! "Their passion ultimately fizzled," claims the mag. As if it was ever there! "The future is up in the air," says a source. Isn't it always? Lastly: Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou have a cute new baby boy named Kenzo (Fig 1).
Grade: F (paper cut on genitalia)

Life & Style
"I Don't Need A Boob Job!" In this "exclusive" interview with Kelly Ripa — conducted at a Super Saturday Shopping Event in Water Mill, NY — she says, "I would never have a boob job." Then the mag provides pictures going back for the last decade illustrating that when Kelly weighed more or was pregnant, her breasts were larger; yet as she worked out more, and lost weight, her rack became smaller. This story spins off into four pages about other stars' boobs and how they feel about them. Next: Zahara and Shiloh went to Toys R Us with Angelina to buy Spider-Man party supplies for Maddox's birthday and were cute while doing so. At a recent ballet class, an eyewitness says: "They held hands and sat side by side. Zahara was a little more coordinated, and she tried to help Shiloh. Zahara took the big sister role." Kate Gosselin is "so lonely." Her friend Jamie Ayers says: "She's lonely now that Jon's gone." Jessica Simpson is being "tortured by her ex," John Mayer: He's never stopped texting or leaving voicemails, and in one voicemail he serenaded her. "Jess said it sounded like he was in a restroom and tipsy, but that's normal for John." Another source says: "Every now and then he would sex-text Jessica or send her fairly explicit messages. She used to keep all the texts and read them over and over. It was a real ego boost for her." But! John Mayer does the same thing to Jennifer Aniston. The mother of Samantha Burke, Jude Law's new baby mama, says "Let's be very clear: It was a total mistake, and Jude hasn't called Samantha a single time." Is Chris Brown stalking Rihanna? They "coincidentally" stayed at the same hotel, then he drove up to a restaurant where she was eating and stared out the window. And Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist, Bang Bang, and now Chris has also tattooed Bang Bang. Bang Bang tells the mag: "We talked about the tattoo Rihanna did on me. I was like, 'Don't let her give me a better tattoo than you.' He did a little face, like a little cartoon." Lastly: Inside Paris Hilton's $325,000 dog house, which is a two-story miniature version of her house, with a crystal chandelier, air-conditioned upstairs bedroom with closet, and a "Furcedes" bed (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (paper cut on eye)

Us
"Bachelorette Betrayed!" Ugh. Who cares. Some dude proposed to some chick on national TV and they've been talking about how they're so in love and plan to get married, but while he was taping the show he had two girlfriends back home and so on and so forth, YAWN. Apparently there was some kind of scenario in which he was unable to perform sexually, and the mag calls it "guilt wilt." Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby shower and Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristin Chenoweth and Shannen Doherty attended. "Bump Watch: Male Edition" made us giggle, despite ourselves. (Fig 3). Slumdog's Dev Patel and Friend Pinto: Officially a couple! Jon Gosselin had a "sexy sleepover" with a 23-year-old model, waitress and single mom named Stephanie Santoro. Michael Lohan claims she's a nanny. By the by, while shooting for TLC, between takes, Jon was "inattentive" with the kids. Also, Jon allegedly got $40,000 for his In Touch interview. Lastly: Brats from Real Housewives (Francois, Johan, Gia) are modeling back to school clothes in this issue.
Grade: F (paper cut on tongue)

Star
"Broken Home." Angie and Brad's relationship was "too hot not to cool down." Two days before the trip, Brad disinvited Angelina from the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds. Brad started drinking at a photocall hours before the premiere and kept going until 4am. Angie kept calling, but he wouldn't pick up, and she was nagging him so much that he shut his phone off. That night, Brad continued to party with director Katya von Garnier, who he was linked to in 1997, when she went with him to the premiere of Seven Years In Tibet. Things have been crazy at home: Shiloh has been throwing tantrums. Shiloh tries to intervene when Brad and Angie fight; once she told Angie, "Stop yelling at Daddy"; another time she threw her doll at Angie. Angie has been booking the suite at a Beverly Hills hotel where her mother lived before her death; a source says: "Angie likes to go to [her mother's] old suite and be alone and think and cry." Moving on: Penn Badgley wants to marry Blake Lively now, but she wants to wait because she thinks they're too young. But she's up for living together and getting a puppy. Blind item! "Which Hollywood hubby has been cheating on his pregnant wife with a teenager? He's definitely known as a cad, but even for him, this is ridiculous." Robert Pattinson: On the rebound, with Camilla Belle, who broke up with Joe Jonas. Did Kate Gosselin buy an apartment 40 feet away from her bodyguard's place? True Blood's Ryan Kwanten — Jason Stackhouse — was in an S&M themed play in Australia in 2002, hence the shirtless pic of him with angel wings. John Mayer drunk dialed Jessica Simpson and BEGGED her to hang out with him at Katsuya on August 1st. She headed there with Ashlee and Ken Paves, and after dinner in the main restaurant, she joined John in a back room. The mag says: "But diet-conscious Jess made sure not to indulge in too much champagne and kept shaking her head as John coaxed her to keep up with him." Lastly: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are taking their 7-week-old twins on vacation to Ireland, where the couple goes every year (Matthew's sister is an Episcopal minister there). And by the by: SJP and Cynthia Nixon, who had been the closest of the Sex and the City ladies, aren't speaking to each other because SJP didn't attend a gay right rally with Cynthia and her partner. Boo.
Grade: D (paper cut between fingers)

In Touch
"I'm Tired Of Being Blamed." In an epic interview, Jon says stuff like: "Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn't want to. She said, if you have a problem, go fix it." And: "I used to be very introverted, but in my marriage, I became extroverted, I was very open and friendly. I don't think Kate liked that." And: "I'm not a womanizer." The mag asks him if his girlfriend Hailey wants kids. He says: "I don't know. We never really talked about having kids. I know they want kids at certain ages." He also says: "I'm not asking her to be the kids' stepmom, I'm asking her to love me for who I am." Jon also claims he never dated Kate Major, he was just "hanging out" with her. He was happy to know someone in New York to go to dinner with, but "I've always been true to Hailey," he says. As for Kate Major, he says: "I think she fell for me but I knew my heart was with Hailey. I tried to be nice to everyone and I didn't want to lead anyone on." ENOUGH. Next: Brad and Angelina's kids are "caught in the middle." There's tension in the Jolie-Pitt relationship. Brad got wasted at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds: "He was so drunk he looked to me like he could barely walk," says a source. "It was not the sort of behavior you'd expect from a father of six." Dads don't drink? And! Maddox recently made Zahara cry when he swiped one of her dolls and cut its hair off. This week in Jennifer Aniston "heartbreak" news, the magazine prints the words "Jen is desperate" next to a picture of her, and the story has a quote from Dr. Judy Kurianski, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating (Fig. 4). Lastly: Britney wants another baby. "I want more babies!" she exclaimed while getting ready in her dressing room.
Grade: C- (paper cut on finger)

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Fig. 2 (Click to enlarge)

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Fig. 4

How's your spirit today? Is it acting "uncooperative"? Well, watch out cause you could get fired the way Twilight actress Rachelle Lefevre did! Starlets be warned, Summit studios is not down for your shitty moods or for your 10-day movie-shoot with the guy from Sideways. [Variety]

Great news for those of you eager to witness the country's proletariat fulfill their historic destiny by seizing control of the cultural means of production: leftist stalwart Howard Zinn and Hollywood hottie Matt Damon have signed on for an HBO series based on Zinn's book "A People's History of the United States." Eat a dick, capitalist-hegemon! [ THR ]

Billy Crudup's blue swinging wang has knocked Nic Cage's Knowing out of the top slot for DVD sales. Watchmen from Warner Home Video, has shot to the top of the national home video sales and rental charts its first week. [THR]

Who among you has the emotional veracity to stop giving Paul Haggis work? The Crash director is making a new movie with Russel Crowe called Three Days. It's a remake of the french flick Pour Elle about a wife who is imprisoned for a murder she claims she didn't commit and the husband devises a way to get her out. It's assumed Crowe will play the husband. [ THR ]

Jennifer Aniston will be in a new romantic comedy curiously named Pumas. Right. [ Variety ]

Spiderman director/longtime Orc Sam Rami has signed on to direct a live-action film based on the videogame World of Warcraft. For too long the Orc community has been slandered and stereotyped in the movies. Hopefully, Rami will foster greater diplomatic ties to the isolated Orc nation. [AP]

Adam Sandler's hilarious-sounding new comedy Grown Ups has been moved from March of 2010 to a plum June slot. It's pushed out Seth Rogen's sure-to-be laugh riot and action packed thrill ride The Green Hornet, which has been moved to July 9th. Man, studios just keep making such great movies. [Variety]

Feeling bad about your salary? Prepare to feel worse. Angelika Jorlemon, the wife-ish of actor Bradley Jane Pitt, earned some $27 million last year, making her the grossingest of all Hollywood actresses. Awkwardly, Jennifer Aniston, Bradley's ruined and Havisham-esque ex-wife, came in at number two. She made $25 million. Third was none other than oldie but greaty Meryl Streep, who pulled in a cool $24 million due to her Mamma Mia! success. Sigh. [THR]

ABC wants to see comedians, often a fat and inactive bunch, run. They're going ahead on The Fast and the Funniest, about comedians racing across the county in a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-style competition. Actually, I like to think it's more like Wacky Races. [Variety]

Apparently four different studios were fighting over Asteroids. Yeah, Asteroids. Like, the Atari video game that's basically one pixel firing mini-pixels at another pixel. I can't wait for the movie, which Universal will make. Shia LaBeouf better star. I hope Shia LaBeouf stars in everything for the rest of forever. I hope Shia LaBeouf marries me. [THR]

Watch out, terrorists. NBC is looking for you. On July 20th they'll role out the first hour of a potential new series called The Wanted, which is a docu sorta thing about finding international blower uppers of things. The original title, Everyone Hates Muslims, was deemed too flat. [Variety]

Oh, sad. Harve Presnell, who played Jean Lundegaard's dad in Fargo, has died at age 75. The Broadway singer suffered from pancreatic cancer and passed away in Santa Monica. [THR]

Ha ha hm... We're not getting sick of him or anything, we swears. Neil Patrick Harris is in talks to host the Emmy Awards this fall. Because he's charming! And a gay person! And maybe he'll sing! But he's also so... overdone at this point, isn't he? Isn't he? [Variety]

You can't fight the moonlight and you evidently can't fight Piper Perabo. The Coyote Ugly actress has been cast as a whip-smart CIA operative in USA's developing series Covert Affairs. So she'll be a tough/smart babe like Mary McCormack in In Plain Sight but a spy like Not Guy Pearce in Burn Notice. Consolidation, USA! And synergy! Always with the synergy! Good for you, though, Pipes. I saw you in reasons to be pretty on the off-Broadway and you did pretty good, kid. [THR]

Oh, and Hilary Duff is gonna be on Gossiping Girls. Playing a movie star. Who lives with Vanessa. I just fell down. [EW]

Margaret assists in weathering the hazy climates in In Touch, Us Weekly, Life & Style, Star and OK!, below.

Before we get to the weeklies, we have to recommend this paragraph from an excellent piece in the Guardian:

Editorial meetings at celebrity magazines… may not always resemble those elsewhere. "You build the story around an emotion," says a celebrity weekly editor, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What's happening with poor Jen this week? Well, John Mayer's seeing someone else, and for a woman of her age, that must be awful ... So you construct a narrative of what a woman her age may be feeling." Stories may start with nothing more than a set of photographs: Aniston looking happy, or sad - or happy one moment and sad the next, since if you take multiple shots of anyone, with a fast shutter speed, you can capture a range of expressions. "The question is: how can we construct a story around a set of emotions that our readers are going to relate to? It can come from a genuine tip, or a photo. Or it can come out of our ass."

You don't say?

Ok!
"Tempted By Another Woman!" Sigh. It's easy to see why this magazine is losing $450,00 a week. Nothing good here. Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin filmed a kissing scene for Remember Me, and "after the cameras stopped rolling," Emilie "snuggled with him for at least 10 minutes." A source says, "you can tell it's more than work relationship." Also inside: Ashlee-Simpson-Wentz is on Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet. Mary-Kate Olsen tried to use her black Amex card in a dive bar. She told the bartender: "I don't know what to tell you, this is all I have." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston went out with "new man" Bradley Cooper. The restauranteur says: "They were two people coming in for dinner at 11 at night. You can figure out the rest." Wait, what? After-sex dinner? Before sex dinner? What are we meant to assume?!?!
Grade: F+ (hot, humid & very rainy)



Us
"Backstabbing, Lies & Fights" If you want to know more about The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you'll find this issue chock full of information. If you don't care, then this is not the mag for you! Notice how they cut off Teresa's pregnant belly on the cover? Here are sample tidbits: New mom Jacqueline says: "I am not friends with Danielle. She has not seen the baby, nor will I ever allow her to"; Dina and Danielle are not friends because of a financial dispute; Danielle says of the sex tape her boyfriend Steve is shopping: "I've been told by my attorney not to discuss that. But I can tell you one thing: It is unauthorized and it was taken with his cell phone." Okay. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan claims that her allegations about Justin Timberlake cheating came from someone hacking into her Twitter account. Uh-huh. Sure. Apparently the club owner who saw JT that night says he was only hanging with —and left with — guys. Mad Men's Christina Hendricks spills details about getting hitched to Geoffrey Arend in NYC on October 11: "We are doing a very small, very sweet simple wedding, so it's really been a pleasure." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper's "Hot Date Night" — they stayed quite late at Il Cantinori in NYC and "there was no show of emotion." But! A friend says: "Jen will never last with someone who doesn't drink. She loves her margarita Sundays." Another "friend" accuses her of setting the whole thing up for the paparazzi: "Instead of going out with a normal guy, she'll go after the hottest thing of the moment, because it will get her the most time in the spotlight. She knew paparazzi would be on them, and that it would be a huge story. She did the same thing with Vince and John. This was so set up."
Grade: D (sticky days of drenching rain)

Star
"Jen & Bradley: It's On!" More about the Cooper/Aniston date: An eyewitness says: "I went over to say hi to them, and noticed that they were holding hands under the table…" Bradley and Jen chatted to a waiter about his upcoming wedding and the spy says Jen make eye contact with Bradley and flashed a huge smile. OMG ALL WIMMINZ WANNA DO IS BE BRIDES. Next: Hot guys in glasses (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which globe-trotting young hottie has been hiding a big secret in his entourage? No matter where he goes, the actor always makes sure to have his AA sponsor by his side." BREAKING: Tori Spelling has gained 12 lbs. Nick Cannon already has a tattoo of Mariah Carey's name on his back, but he wants a butterfly to remind him of his wife. And he wants it be "manly." Jon Gosselin is writing a "revenge tell-all book." He's halfway done with the manuscript and could get $10 million. Look for it in November! Jon wants to world to know that he thinks Kate's been sleeping with the bodyguard for months and rubbing the relationship in Jon's face. Also, Kate often "withheld" sex from Jon. Moving along: Jamie Lynn Spears, 18, went to a friend's bachelorette party in Florida and drank vodka and orange juice. Underage drinking scandal! But JLS kept things low-key. Also, in case you're wondering, JLS is "no longer in love" with her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge, and if they do ever get married, it'll be because her family is pressuring her.
Grade: D+ (humid, hazy days with no sign of rain)

Life & Style
"Why Angelina Is Hiding The Twins." This is not about her rack. Angelina's babies are suffering from serious digestive problems. Knox spits up every meal; Vivienne has food and environmental allergies and is on a lactose- and gluten-free diet, yet is still underweight. There's a sidebar called "Where The Twins Have Been Hiding," which is basically pictures of Angie and Brad's houses. In other words, they've been at home. SHOCKING! The homes are described as being "shrouded in secrecy," as an "Ultraprivate LA retreat," and "French fortress" would be. A friend says Britney Spears is not engaged and "the ring" is an old ring. Megan Fox is "torn between two guys," Shia LaBeouf and Brian Austin Green. "Can Jen Tame Her New Bad Boy?" Apparently Jennifer Aniston should watch out for Bradley Cooper. "He's slept with a lot of women," says an "L.A. partygoer." "A bunch of my friends say he's slept with them." This person also says "He's not a keeper." Bradley is also described as a "womanizer" and a "ladies' man." Next: "Is Emilie Dressing Like Kristen To Win Over Rob?" — because the only reason a woman would want to wear jeans and Chucks is to bone a sparkle vamp (Fig. 2). A "friend" says that Jon and Kate Gosselin's divorce "could get very ugly because so much money is at stake." Have you seen the woman who spent $220,000 to look like Britney Spears? This is your chance (Fig. 3)! Mariah Carey has spent $111,000 on a Cinderella-themed nursery in her Bel Air mansion. Is she pregnant? Does she know she is having a girl? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Star Has The Best-Shaped Butt?" Kristen Stewart's ass "doesn't jut out," so clearly she'd look great with Jessica Biel's "youthful and athletic" derriere (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (humid, with drizzle)

In Touch
"Kate's Private Hell." It's not a public hell, it's a private hell, okay? The mag prints this sentence: "Her face a mask of pain, Kate walked alone to the edge of her driveway…" She spoke to a security guard, who walked her back to the house, and she started wiping tears from her eyes and yadda yadda yadda. This story is mostly told through the use of photographs with arrows and short captions like "Mady's sad." And "Jon has a pot belly." Boo. Here's a question: "Who looks Better For Their Age?" Losers include Carmen Electra, Kiefer Sutherland and Amy Winehouse (Fig. 5). Winehouse? Cheap shot. "Wow! Megan's A Brand New Woman" is a detailed photo journey of Megan Fox's plastic surgery (Fig. 6). Angelina cried at two different events for World Refugee Day, but this magazine says: "many suspect that her tears sprung from more personal troubles." She's not upset about fugee kids! She's upset about Brad, who is "burned out" by all the fighting. Angelina is "isolated" and "lonely" and she "regularly sobs." As for Jen Aniston, the paparazzi have nicknamed her "The Phantom," because she doesn't get photographed unless she wants to. So the snap of her date night with Bradley Cooper? No accident. A "pal" says she picked the restaurant because Brad Pitt likes it and she wanted to make him jealous. There are pictures of Robert Pattinson being "manhandled" by fans on the streets of New York, and he looks frazzled, paranoid and freaked out. Dr. Gila Carle, who does not treat the star, says: "I beg him to get therapy." Warning! Kate Hudson is a "Curse For Men." "Hudson's lovers have been plagued by problems" and the mag asks if she is a "bad-luck charm." Dr. Lisa Boeksy, who does not treat anyone involved, says: "Some women have an overly intense effect on men. Their beauty and charm are so intoxicating that men lose sight of everything else important." A story called "They Look Better With A Few Extra Pounds" includes Audrina, who went from "bony to beautiful," Mischa Barton, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and Teri Hatcher. Lastly: The best part about "What It's Really Like Dating A Star" are the multiple blind items. For instance: "An actor just had a baby with his girlfriend, but behind her back is having an affair with his fellow actor friend."
Grade: C- (intermittent showers)

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Related: The Brangelina Industry [Guardian]
Mag Bag: 'OK!' Loses $450K A Week [MediaPost]

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

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If you want the truth ... you probably shouldn't check out In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. But nevertheless, we continue our weekly quest for real gossip below.



Ok!
WEDDING NEWS! For years, Angelina Jolie has taken on the bulk of the responsibility with the kids, but now that she's been spending so much time away from home taking on humanitarian and film projects, Brad Pitt feels like he's a single dad. "He wants to get married before they have any more babies - and that mean getting pregnant or adopting," says a source. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a friend adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." In other fake news, Jennifer Aniston wants to adopt a baby girl because she loves the relationship Courteney Cox has with her daughter Coco and breaking up with John Mayer has "sidelined the idea of getting pregnant." Lastly, Britney's fighting to win Kevin back. Though she kissed an unnamed dancer during a dinner with members of her tour and then spent nine minutes in the bathroom with him while her bodyguards blocked the door, she's only hooking up with the dancer to make Kevin jealous. "If she wants Kevin back, she better move fast," says a Federline source. "Kevin's track record is to get every girl he falls for pregnant, and he wastes no time."
Grade: F (Favorite show gets cancelled)

Us
Here's the "diet secret" that keeps the ladies of Dancing With the Stars so svelte: DANCE FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. Moving on: "Octomom, The Nannies Tell All" gives more detail about why the Angels in Waiting nurses clashed with Nadya Suleman. Representatives from the organization claim that she was tipping off the media, that cameramen were telling nurses to "get out of the shot" while they were trying to care for the babies, and that there is no security in the home and anyone can just walk in. They say Nadya was always shopping, only took care of the babies when the cameras were on, and didn't bathe one baby for days. In other news, Bridget Moynahan isn't amused by Gisele Bundchen's comment regarding her son Jack in Vanity Fair. Gisele said, "It's not like because somebody else delivered him that's not my child." Bridget and her friends are "in shock" since she's never met Gisele and a source says, "Gisele parades that kid for the pararazzi to show she's a family person." Stevie Nicks makes fun of some of her worst looks ever. (Fig. 1) Next: Us is calling out all of the other tabloids for recently running cover stories that weren't true. For the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't breaking up, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer weren't trying to conceive a baby, and Rihanna and Chris Brown did not have a secret wedding. They also show how OK! Photoshopped two pictures together to make it look like Suri and Shiloh were having a play date. A Jolie-Pitt source says, "Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend. Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!" In closing, John Mayer insulted Jennifer Aniston on a five-day cruise with his fans aboard the "Mayercraft Carrier 2." He debuted a song about an anonymous needy lover, and admitted to making out with Jen's "nemesis" by which the mag means Perez Hilton. "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," Mayer told the crowd, "I just wanted to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away screaming just to prove a point."
Grade: D- (Favorite character diagnosed with brain tumor)

Life & Style
"Twilight Fight!" claims that Robert Pattinson is intimidated by the set of younger, buffer actors playing werewolves in New Moon. No actual fisticuffs have ensued, but they've been telling the press that Rob is smelly and Ryan Seacrest told one of the new stars, Kellan Lutz, "Rob is the lead,m but you're the better-looking Cullen." Also, Kristen Stewart is friends with Taylor Lautner, so the mags are going to say she's cheating on her boyfriend with him now instead of Rob. Moving on: Angelina is on an extreme diet. On the set of Salt she had her assistant put a single small salted pretzel on a plate and bring it to her for a snack. Sources on the crew haven't seen her eating much else. It's not the first time she's done this. "Angelina calls it 'movie dieting'" says a friend. "She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Jessica Alba won't eat white food. Anything with sugar or flour isn't allowed in the house. "Jamie Kennedy: How he scored his dream girl" never exactly says that Jennifer Love Hewitt is out of his league, but the accompanying graphic of other normal looking guys and their hotter ladies gets the message across (Fig. 2) There's more on Nadya Suleman's alleged lack of parenting skills. Angels in Waiting lawyer Gloria Allred says, "The babies appeared to be treated as props after their feedings." As for the older kids, an insider says, "They run around in the same dirty clothes, underwear, and socks for days at a time. And when Nadya gets overwhelmed, she locks herself in a closet and talks on the phone." Britney Spears' dad is angry about her leaked phone message. "He was considering ending the conservatorship when she wrapped her tour, but now he may change his mind," says an insider, "He's freaked that Britney will stop paying him and kick him to the curb." Paris Hilton has dumped her BFF, Brittany Flickinger, who she found on a reality show. "All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris' mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money," says a source. "She was another one of these girls using Paris to get famous." In Dr. Rey's casebook the bad doctor is once again using the fine film Face/Off as the inspiration for "Who has the most flawless face?" This time, Cameron Diaz would look would look better with Gwyneth Paltrow's skin grafted onto her face. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (Lead actor leaves to make a movie)

Star
"Tori anorexic? 98lbs." Of course the personal trainer who estimated her weight doesn't treat Tori. Candy Spelling has written a tell-all book called Stories from Candyland in retaliation for her daughter's tell-all book, sTori Telling and Tori's so upset she can't eat. "Tori's so stressed over her mom's new book, she has no appetite but is still exercising every day. Her friends are all worried that she may be anorexic. She's now down to a size zero," says a source. But if Spelling is trying to get back at her estranged mother, it's not working. "Candy actually thinks Tori looks good like this," says a source. "She always told her daughter it's best to be thin." Blind item: Which smack-talking rapper is very in touch with his feminine side? During a recent trop to Vegas, he got a luxe mani-pedi at Michael Boychuk's AMP Salon in the Palms hotel. And when he hit Cirque du Soleil's O, he wore a huge afro wig! At least his girlfriend didn't seem to mind his look. Last week Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal annoyed their fellow diners in Paris by making out like teenagers at a restaurant and feeding each other pieces of chocolate mousse. Next: Sources claim that Jennifer Aniston is desperate to arrange a meeting with Brad Pitt since they are both staying in New York. So desperate in fact, that she's made two appointments at the Waldorf-Astoria's spa, hoping that she might run into Brad. It's unclear why she went through all the trouble, since she also called Brad and he said he'd love to get together and chat. Then he told Angie and she "yelled at him for half an hour," according to an insider. "She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'we are leaving the city right now!'" says the source. She told the kids to pack their bags and the brood sped off to their rented Long Island estate in an SUV sans Brad. Angie said they need a break. Don't tell the kids about this (probably fake) separation. They don't want them to know because, a source says, "It would upset them too much."
Grade: D+ (Unsatisfying series finale)

In Touch
"Loving Mother or ... MOM FROM HELL?" This story takes us "inside Octomom's crazy world," with exclusive pictures of six of her octuplets piled on her bosom, the babies lined up in their crib, and her holding one baby in the palm of her hand. In addition to complaints by Angels in Waiting published by every mag this week, In Touch goes the extra mile and chats up her neighbors. One says, "The woman is completely nuts. She thinks she's famous. She doesn't know that people are laughing at her, that she's a freak." Also, an insider says that a deal is in place for Nadya to be filmed for a reality show as soon ash the last two babies come home. "Octomom" won't appear in the title because she hates the name. "It's about Nadya trying to raise 14 children while looking for love," the insider explains. Next: Angelina feels threatened by Natalie Portman starring with Brad Pitt in the new film Important Artifacts because Natalie is beautiful, educated, six years younger than Angie, and single. "In Angelina's mind, it isn't at all far-fetched that Brad could fall for Natalie and leave her the way he did Jen," says a source. A relationship expert who doesn't treat Angie agrees: "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." A source claims Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camila Alves. She's been spotted wearing a yellow-diamond engagement ring. Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance, Ross McCall is upset that she's started dating co-star Jamie Kennedy only three months after they broke up. "He feels that Jamie always flirted with Jennifer around him, and now he is wondering to his friends if this romance actually began while they were still together. He is very upset," says a friend. Moving on: Are Lindsay Lohan's habits ruining her looks? A pal says she looks "skinny and run-down" because she is "always smoking and eating crappy food." Maybe Lindsay's partying is taking a toll, but the "obvious creases" "forehead lines" and "dark circles" that the mag so helpfully points out may be a result of being human. (Fig. 4) Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have split up, according to In Touch, but only because they have a $200,000 deal with another tabloid to deliver four cover stories and they have already done three, including the fake elopement. "The actual story has be written for weeks," a friend reveals, adding that "they'll get back together," as long as the price is right. Finally, the mag reports that there's a "trendy cosmetic procedure that's sweeping Hollywood: bangs!" Apparently stars like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, and Sarah Jessica Parker are wearing bangs so they don't have to shell out for Botox on their foreheads in these hard economic times.
Grade: C- (Anti-drug episode)

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But who can be expected to do a good job as a one-man show in the swiftly professionalizing business of pretending to be an amateur? Even the gossips aren't doing the gossiping themselves. Even Perez Hilton is too busy hobnobbing with the people he ostensibly writes about to personally deface their photos anymore. It's understandable. Being yourself online is a full-time job. Ideally, for someone else.

The notion that blogs and Twitter will replace gossip has been around for a while. What's left for the tabloids if the stars reveal everything themselves? The gossip rags ought to fade away as celebrities interact with fans directly, and tell their stories their own way. Or so goes the webheads' theory.

But as Hollywood actors and musicians adopt Twitter en masse, the theory's getting a real-time test — and proving wanting. It turns out that media gatekeepers were really saving celebrities from themselves. As anyone who's written a magazine profile knows, what editors and readers want is an appealing, well-told story — not a numbing stream of trivia. And that means discarding far more material than one can ever use.

Facebook, Twitter blogs, and other media of the moment are a repository for that cutting-room floor — the ephemeral discards of mostly mundane lives. One man's trash is sometimes another man's treasure. But more often, it's just trash.

"It's inherently silly and it's inherently dumb," John Mayer, the musician and former Jennifer Aniston paramour told E! last week. Wise of Mayer to figure this out, though a bit late, since his Twitter addiction reportedly spurred his most recent breakup with Aniston. Mayer's smart enough to realize that Twitter is making him look like a fool to loved ones and strangers alike — but not smart enough to stop using it.

Courtney Love, meanwhile, is getting sued by a designer, Dawn Simorangkir, whose wares she once fancied, over ranting comments the professional Kurt Cobain widow left on MySpace and Twitter. Love has never been known for her self-control: Witness her unprovoked '90s-era rant about cheese, unleashed on an unsuspecting zine editor. But media which enable her to talk unfiltered 24/7 give us all too much insight into an obviously unbalanced mind.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton likewise have done themselves no favors in their blogging habits. Far from correcting their louche reputations, their overshares have cemented it.

Then there's the notion that fans would just sit back and receive all this information without comment. Jamie Spears, Britney's dad, is suing BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fan site, for allegedly invading his daughter's privacy. "I will destroy your ass!" Jamie Spears reportedly told BreatheHeavy webmaster Jordan Miller. (In fact, Jamie Spears may be mad about BreatheHeavy's aggressive questioning of the conservatorship arrangement under which he controls his daughter's finances.)

What's the solution? These people all need professional help. But since they're unlikely to spend the time they need on the psychiatrist's couch, they'll doubtless end up hiring assistants adept in social media. Ghostwritten Twitters are the hot new Hollywood must-have.

Every tweet will be media-coached. Every blog will be relentlessly edited — and then have typos inserted for authenticity. (Is that why someone pretending to be Rachael Ray consistently misspelled the cooking-show personality's name on a Yahoo blog?) The kids who are pretending to be celebrities on Twitter today will no doubt get paid to do it in the future.

Hilariously incompetent flack Jonathan Jaxson, who recently settled his legal spat with client Kim Zolciak of real Housewives of Atlanta, seems to be a pioneer here — in the sense that all pioneers get arrows in their back.

(Photo of Mayer by Getty Images; Spears by X17 Online)

Life & Style
Following her breakup with John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is prepared to do the unthinkable: Become a single mom. Though the mag is not sure whether she'll conceive naturally, use artificial insemination, or adopt, Aniston obviously has babies on the brain because her new $15 million six-bedroom mansion "has more than enough room for a nursery." Next: Justin Timberlake supposedly ran into Britney's dad Jaime Spears on the golf course and told him he's nervous to ask Jessica Biel to marry him even though she's the one. Jaime told him to "put a ring on her finger," and JT said he's already got one picked out, according to an insider. By the way, Jessica and Justin's new apartment has three bedrooms, which the mag points out is "plenty of room for kids!" Kellan Lutz of Twilight explains Robert Pattinson's "hookup trick": "He lowers his head down and the girls love it!"
Grade: F (Band aid in your burger.)





Ok!
"I Will Never Remarry." The mag writes that Jennifer Aniston has "experienced a stark epiphany: No man can live up to her ex-husband, Brad Pitt." A source says that since "each time she dreams of having a devoted husband, babies, and that white picket fence, she is let down," Jen has resigned herself to a life of love affairs and single motherhood. Also, there's a two page story about how Jen has "found her soulmate" in her dog Norman. Moving on: Jaime Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are still living together with their baby Maddie, but an insider says JLS has called off their wedding. "Jaime Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and a piece of paper," says the source. Also, she likes being a Southern mom and is never going back to Hollywood. Finally, in an interview OK! asks Gavin Rossdale if he and Gwen Stefani are planning to have another baby. "That would seem logical, but then again so would sleep!" says Rossdale, "But, you know the men aren't in control of that stuff."
Grade: D- (Expired hot dogs.)

Us
"He's The One!" This story is pretty much an excuse to print cute pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, as there isn't really anything new to report on the engagement front. A Witherspoon insider says, "All of Reese's friends tell her they think he's The One." As for when Jake will pop the question, a pal says, "It's not a matter of if, but when. And when Jake asks, she will definitely say yes." Moving on: An insider says Jennifer Aniston's breakup with John Mayer wasn't mutual. "She would never have paraded him around like that if she didn't think what they had was real. She feels like he played her," says a source. Us has exclusive pictures from Natasha Bedingfield's wedding. Brandy attended the wedding, which was at the same place where Josh Duhamel and Fergie got married (but unlike their wedding, Bedingfield's wasn't fishing themed). Next: Us broke the LeAnn Rimes cheating story last week, and their follow up, "Why She Cheated," just makes it sound even more like a publicity stunt. When LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet were "caught" kissing by the paparazzi they were coming out of Whole Foods and had only purchased a banana and a bottle of water. A source says Eddie Cibrian "told his wife that this was a publicity stunt for the Lifetime movie." Finally, Michelle Obama "takes top honors" (if you can call it that) as Us celebrates 2009's best makeovers with 24 pages of filler.
Grade: D (Dieter's delight, a.k.a. cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.)

In Touch
"The Breakup" Insiders say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are constantly fighting because she's filming Salt and he's stuck taking care of the kids. "Brad gets tortured by the kids all day. They wrestle him and kick him and constantly harass him," says a source." Supposedly Salt insiders heard her saying during a phone call, "Will you please respect the fact that I am working right now? All you have to do today is watch the kids." Things are so bad Angie has banished Brad to the couch in their four bedroom suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. James Haven is staying with the family in New York and Angie has asked her brother to talk some sense into Brad. The mag dug up pictures of Angie looking uncomfortable with Brad for the requisite "maybe she's more into her brother than her husband" sidebar. (Fig. 1) In Touch asks: Has Tori Spelling taken her diet too far? Spelling's rep says she's the same size she was before giving birth, but the mag thinks her young, super-skinny 90210 co-stars "could be a bad influence." Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt says he wants to have a baby with her. "Paris would make a great mom - she's my Angel Princess," says Reinhardt. Nick Lachey and Vanessa innillo had a fight at a L.A. restaurant. Manillo stormed out right after their food was served and Lachey paid the check and had takeout boxes made up before he caught up with her outside. In Touch says plastic surgery has left Daryl Hannah "almost recognizable." Next: The mag is calling out LeAnn Rimes for probably fabricating her affair with co-star Eddie Cibrian. "It's fishy how very obvious she was about this," and insider says. In addition to the TV movie Northern Lights, Rimes has a new song and book coming out next month. "She wants to get back on the A list," says the insider. In an interview, the mag asks Matthew McConaughey if he has any regrets about past relationships now that he's married. He says, "You wouldn't be where you are if you didn't go through all the other things. It's an honor to be at an ex-girlfriend's wedding or to have them over to dinner. There's nothing goofy about that."
Grade: D+ (Week old Red Lobster doggie bag.)

Star
In a continuation of a story Star ran recently about Angelina Jolie catching Brad Pitt comforting their pretty nanny, "Don't Touch Me!" claims Angie's still mad so she's refusing to sleep with Brad. " A source says, "she knows it's torture for Brad, denying him that way. But she wants him to learn a lesson." She refuses to take a daily bath with Brad, which is apparently one of their "sexy traditions" and has banned him out of her bedroom. At least in Star's account, Brad gets his own room at the Waldorf-Astoria, instead of the couch. However, the mag says he's taken to "camping out with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms" at the hotel. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were spotted making out at a hotel in Hollywood. An eyewitness claims he walked in on them making out behind some curtains on a terrace off the hotel bar. "When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves," he said. The hotel was hosting a party, and the eyewitness says once the room got crowded, Sean and Natalie took an elevator up to the private rooms and didn't come back for 45 minutes. After returning to the party, the two split up. "[Natalie] broke it off when she found out that Sean was still with his wife, Robin Wright Penn," says a source. Sean started flirting with another woman, who said "I don't do that! Your girl's upstairs, and your wife is at home. You're busy." The eyewitness says Sean chuckled and left. Moving on: Guy Ritchie is dating Elle Macpherson. A source says Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are planning a June wedding. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet's apartment smells less than fresh? Neighbors say funny-smelling smoke surrounds her door on her days off. How's that for a bit of gossip?" In a possibly related story, Leighton Meester has asked everyone on her floor in her apartment building not to smoke because the smell comes under her door and she gets a sore throat if she's exposed. In "Starving For Attention" Star is hating on ladies for being too skinny. They suggest Gwyneth Paltrow eat a "big ol' piece of chocolate cake." (Fig. 2) A doctor who didn't treat Natasha Richardson says she probably could have been saved if she had taken her instructor's advice and let paramedics look at her head immediately. "The typical mortality rate from epidural hematoma is relatively low ... It needs to be taken care of right away," said Dr. John Knightly of the Concussion Center at Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J. The mags all featured pictures of Richardson's grieving family at her funeral, but frankly, we couldn't handle pouring over pictures of her coffin being carried to her grave. In an exclusive, Star wonders why Jaime Lynn Spears and baby Maddie didn't accompany Casey Aldridge to Roosters Mud Jam, "a dirt-caked ATV event in Dehli, La." He and his friends were drinking heavily and there are photos of a blonde holding on to him as he drives his ATV into a muddy river. The woman, Brandin Walker, 25, is a married mother who says she was just innocently hanging out with Casey, and that her husband was at the event. Finally, in a story entitled "Jennifer is Jaime's Taco Belle" we learn that Jaime Kennedy "adores plumping [Jennifer Love Hewitt] up with yummy, calorie-packed eats!" Watch out JLH - it sound like Jaime is planning on eating you!

Grade: C (Soggy tortillas.)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Aniston, already a heroic grocery-newsstand everywoman for her martyrdom at the hands of a boyfriend-stealing Angelina Jolie, has spoken out on behalf of Twitter widows everywhere. Friends of Aniston told Star that the last straw was when he claimed to be busy working, yet posted messages constantly on Twitter. Says this tabloid-quoted "friend":

Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like "He has time for all this Twittering, but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?"

On the bright side, Mayer has permission to approach Shaq, a fellow citizen of Twitteronia, at any moment.

(Photo via E Online)

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 3

Lionsgate has purchased the rights to Suzanne Collins' dystopian future novel The Hunger Games, about a society where teenage boys and girls have to fight each other to the death on television, for fun and profit. By the time the film is made and released, it will be a documentary. [Variety] While us poors are killing and devouring each other, comedy dynamos will be meeting for Adam Sandler's next movie, about a sad little Saturday Night Live high school reunion. Chris Rock, Maya Rudolph, David Spade, and Kevin James have joined the cast. Oh, and Salma Hayek and, strangely, Colin Quinn. Laff riot. [Variety]

Little Labrador that could or whatever Marley & Me keeps surprising at the box office. It's licking ass and taking names in the foreign market, which is usually unkind to American comedies, especially those with women in them. I guess dogs, and Jennifer Aniston's beguiling misery, are a universal language. [Variety] If you're worrying about goings on at home, don't. SAG is working hard, if in secret, to get a new contract ready for ratification. Also: Puppy. Jen Aniston's weepy tears. (Hello foreign readers!) [Variety]

Family friendly Walden Media has nabbed a big old lesbian to star in their next feature. Ellen DeGeneres will be playing Mother Nature in a movie about the deity's (?) first trip back to Earth since it was created, lo those six thousand years ago. It was written by Sex and they City/Men in Trees alumna Jenny Bicks. Lady power! Only Aslan can stop this sinfulness now. [THR]

Wandering weirdo Audrina Patridge will not be continuing on The Hills after this upcoming season. She's signed a deal for a whole! new! reality show, all about herrrr. So that's spectacular. We think we're getting the end of The Hills because Lauren and Audy are leaving, instead it divides to conquer, like a wicked Hydra. [THR] A whole bunch of people got cast in pilots, including Gail O'Grady, Alfre Woodard, Katherine Moenning, and DB Woodside. Your friend Tim, who's been sleeping on your couch for the past two months? He still did not. And hey, it's early, man. Shut the curtains, would you? [THR]

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