We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

• ALI LOHAN TO PORN LEGEND: PUT ME IN YOUR FLICK! [TMZ]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Calling a woman who does not meet some predetermined and subjective ideal of femininity a man and generally criticizing her looks.
The Evidence: "Here's a shot of Fergie in the Bahamas over the weekend. While I often publicly question her gender, I will admit that maybe kind of sort of Josh Duhamel doesn't entirely hate his penis after bedding this body. At least until he looks at Fergie's face, then there's lots of weeping and cursing. Mostly at God for being 'such a fucking asshole douchebag trickster to create this manner of creature. Oh, you want to go again, baby? Shit, I'm only human. Say, would you mind wearing the pillow case this time? I mean, it is my birthday. Heart you.'" Oh, you're attracted to her, so she MUST be a woman, huh? What does it matter what she looks like? And why does your opinion matter? And why are you even writing this crap? Oh, it's right there in the title, Superficial.
The Sentence: Whipworm infestation.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Calling women men; mocking them in a gallery.
The Evidence: "Dude Looks Like a Lady ... Wait, That is a Lady!" Pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hilary Swank, Michelle Rodriguez, Kathleen Turner, Kathy Griffin and Julie Andrews. You know TMZ is owned by AOL now, you'd think they'd class up their act a little, and not publish sexist misogynistic posts in the name of humor.
The Sentence: Ringworm, which is not a worm but a fungus. Don't say you didn't learn something new today!

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's body and insinuating that she is large.
The Evidence: "The female body is not the type of thing we usually talk about here - I don't think that kind of discussion is very classy - and I don't feel scandalous or unflattering pictures of a celebrity has any place on the internet, but these pictures of Denise Richards are going up because holy shit has she gone to hell. She used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth, and pictures of her tits were every young boys secret bullseye. Now she looks like she's made of donuts. You would think someone with so much gravity could stay on a surfboard that's bigger than the high school I went too, but apparently not. Maybe they can get her someones roof and she can surf on that." Really? Denise Richards has a weight problem? She's a 37-year-old mother of two. It's disgusting that men get away with writing about women like this. Oh, and look: Bally Total Fitness is a sponor of WWTDD. Great.
The Sentence: Infestation by Chinese liver fluke.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Implying that a woman is too fat to be seen unclothed.
The Evidence: "I just really like being naked," [says] the American Idolstar. You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers." Wow. Hilarious. Fuck you.
The Sentence: A colony of chiggers that live under and feed on the skin.

The Accused: DListed
Reader-Submitted Crime: Menstruation-mocking.
The Evidence: "Kim Kardashian Wipes The Skank Off: I shouldn't say that. I don't think it's possible for Kim Kardashian to wipe the skank off completely. She would have to remove her skin and that's probably pretty painful. She looks alright without make-up, but I sort of love it when she looks like a tranny call girl. She's suffering from 'period face' here. And I bet that bitch's flow is heaaaaaaavy." The reader says: "I lurve Michael K, but I want to flick him in his balls for this... mostly because I think I have period face today, and I want to hide/die/poursulfuricacidonmydeskfornoreason. Maybe I'm just overreacting." You're not. If you don't menstruate, you have no right to tease those who do.
The Sentence: Bloodletting! With leeches, of course.
Same Defendant, Additional Reader-Submitted Crime: Making light of cutting a woman's clitoris.
The Evidence: She can catch flies with her coochie! Jenna Jameson showed up to Comic Con in New York on Friday looking like she slithered in from the forest. Let's cut off her clit and see if it grows back! Yeah, what clit? That shit probably got destroyed a long ass time ago." The reader says: "I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation Is.Not.Funny." Agreed.
The Sentence: Pubic lice, of course.

boomp3.com

Zombie Strippers star Jenna Jameson struggled with the menu at New York eatery, Pastis. Jameson struggled with selecting with her meal; as she told the server, she isn't used to ordering off menus without pictures on them. When it came time to order, she ust placed her finger on a random item and said that she'll have that. Much to Jameson's dismay, the server brought out a plate of calamari and clams, but she sucked them down nonetheless.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

Ironically, in the era of porno chic that began with 1972's Deep Throat, porn films were stocked with trained performers who weren't getting enough "legit" work. Mike Horner was an operatic tenor. Future director (he's the man behind the camera for Debbie Does Dallas... Again) Paul Thomas was in a touring company of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Ron Jeremy, not yet round enough to be called "The Hedgehog," proudly received his SAG card after doing extra work in Woody Allen's Stardust Memories (he didn't make the final cut). It was not unusual, on a New York City porn set, to see most of the performers doing the New York Times crossword puzzle on their lunch breaks.

Alas, Kenny writes, the industry moved to California, talent (or, rather, multi-talent) waned, and that was the end of that. But we do recognize the cycle coming around again with Judd Apatow's porn-star casting obsession (which Kenny elucidates as well) and the trenchant social and political metaphors surely threading Zombie Strippers. A Law & Order episode can't be far behind, with the SAG-carded Hedgehog as the prime suspect in a porn-shoot murder featuring graphic evidence of a nubile up-and-comer mysteriously fucked to death. Tear down the walls, Hollywood.

• From Porn To Mainstream: Can Jenna Pull It Off? [Premiere]

boomp3.com

Reformed adult film star Jenna Jameson ushered in a trend at this year's LA Fashion Week; long gone are the days of the exposed thong peaking out of the top jeans, for they've been replaced by the exposed birth control patch. After all, what better way to tell the rest of the world that you're a dirty girl for life?

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

A few of their favorite punching bags, accused (justly, we must say) of being card-carrying members of Collagen Addicts Anon:

On Elizabeth Hurley: "[Hurley's] bee-stung lips can't possibly be all down to make-up, can it?"

On Victoria Beckham: "Pucker up Vic, you're on camera. Mrs. Beckham has always maintained that her good looks owe nothing to surgical skill..."

On Donatella Versace: "Clearly struggling to come to grips with the onset of old age. But [for] all of her efforts to stave off the wrinkles it doesn't seem to be working that well."

[Photo Credits: Awful Plastic Surgery]

• Has Saffron Burrows got the trout pout to end all trout pouts? [Daily Mail]

While Jameson has gushed for months that the A-list beauty-cum-Woody Allen muse would be the perfect choice to headline her lurid tale of sex, drugs and award-winning girl-on-girl action [...] Johansson denies any and all involvement in the sure-to-be skin-heavy flick.

"There is no truth to this," Johansson's spokesperson, Marcel Pariseau, pooh-poohs to MSN Entertainment. "Scarlett has never seen a script nor been approached about this project. She also has no interest in playing this role. It is wishful thinking on the part of Ms. Jameson."

We are shocked — SHOCKED — at this insinuation that a porn star would be deluded or desperate for publicity. If we didn't already know the apocalypse was nigh thanks to Scott Baio getting a reality show about his sex life, we'd be battening down the hatches, spraying for locusts and smiting Shiloh Jolie-Pitt for being a false messiah.

• Scarlett, Jessica Solicited For Porn Roles [MSN.com]
• Previously: How To Make Love Like Scarlett Johansson [Defamer]

[The film] is based on Jenna's bestselling autobiography How To Make Love Like A Porn Star, which followed the 33-year-old from ballet dancer to stripper to film "actress" and multi-millionairess businesswoman.

Jenna is one of the film's producers and explains:

"I tapped up Scarlett for the part and I'm very excited about the film.

"It was my decision not to play the role because I've lived that life already and anyone can play themself."

Indeed. It takes a unique person to star in Dasha: Like A Geyser and The Passion of the Christies, but it takes someone really special to convey the artist's inner personal turmoil while wearing a dental dam and enjoying a ten-person fuck train. In fact, Scarlett is the perfect choice — after all, as a muse to New York's most famous nebbishy director, she's already got plenty of experience working with a woody.

UPDATE: In an totally unanticipated turn of events, Scarlett Johansson's rep denies that her client is connected to this porn-related project in any way.

• Porn Role Shock For Fans Of Scarlett [Daily Express]