Actually, don't answer that. Even with born-again genre slut Sir Ben Kingsley rumored to have an eye on the project, it's not necessarily unfair to calculate the sum of these parts as "clusterfuck": Guided by Stallone both in front of and behind the camera, a gang of mercenaries heads off to South America to take down a ruthless dictator. But perhaps its the optimism of a new year or, more rationally, the concept of a Gran Torino-esque valedictory with half the syllables and twice the bullets that has us intrigued at the possibilities here. To wit:

· Score One: The Second Coming of Mickey Rourke owes itself in part to Stallone's faith in him a decade ago, when he recommended Rourke for a minor role in the remake of Get Carter. Their brooding, mangle-faced chemistry was about the only thing that clicked while the film imploded around them. We wanted more, and we'll get it.

· Score Two: One of our New Year's resolutions is to explain why Statham may be the greatest actor working today — with the exception of War, his misbegotten action showcase with Li, who requires some atonement of his own. The Expendables offers a nurturing environment for that to occur. Or it will affirm a Statham/Li curse, which will at least save Flopz™-grade genre-flick mills the trouble of bothering again in the future. Win-win.

· Score Three: A Stallone/Lundgren reunion bespeaks more than inspired stunt-casting, but also the prospect for unprecedented levels of bonding between fathers nostalgic for Rocky IV and sons who'll attend anything with them as long as they can drive the car.

· Score Four: Unless you count Denzel Washington (we don't) and his Where the Wild Things Are voice work for Spike Jonze, Forest Whitaker hasn't worked with a real director since Kevin Macdonald shepherded him to an Oscar in 2006. He may not fully reclaim his edge, but if he can just anchor a group like this, we'll take it.

· Score Five: It's not Rambo V.

• Mickey Rourke joins 'Expendables' [Variety]

Just don't expect the class we gleaned from star Jason Statham's winning Bank Job poster, nor the style attributed to even the worst trailers to ever appear in this space. This is essentially The Transporter splattered through the prism of Jackass, sweetly saturated with the lowbrow miracles of sex, violence, nudity, language and Corey Haim's mullet. Amy Smart's nipple tape, alas, did not make the cut. Say what you will (assuming you can get through all two-and-a-half minutes), but we can't believe Josh Brolin would throw these filmmakers off his next project.

• NSFW: 'Crank 2' Movie Trailer [/film]

The world's bestselling novelist and resident EW culture critic today unveiled his 10 Best Movies of 2008, featuring typically abstract list-blurb boilerplate for top three The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire and WALL-E. But it's his lower five that remind us how rare — and refreshing — a non-ironic taste for sheer junk can be this time of year:

6. THE BANK JOB
Any doubts that Jason Statham is more than a muscle boy are set to rest in this rich (and often amusing) story of one of the biggest bank robberies in British history. High-tension cerebral thrills.

8. THE RUINS
The film version brings the novel's bleak theme to the screen intact. Terrible things happen by accident, and when they do, folks are usually on their own. Like all the best horror movies, the premise is simple: Five young people are trapped on top of a pyramid, surrounded by carnivorous plants. It could have been ludicrous. Instead, it's unrelenting.

10. DEATH RACE
This loose remake of Death Race 2000 features the redoubtable Statham as an unjustly convicted (in this sort of movie they always are) felon doing long time in a near-future prison. The canny female warden (brilliantly played by Joan Allen) sets up a series of pay-per-view ''death races'' that are huge ratings successes. Death Race is filled with laconic violence and blasting muscle cars, but just beneath the surface is a biting satire of reality TV.

No one can blame chain-novelist King for forgetting his own TV allegory The Running Man predated Race by about 25 years, but who cares? He also wants an Oscar nod for Sam Jackson in Lakeview Terrace! Such a maverick! And then, as if to invalidate the whole exercise, he ranks Funny Games at number five. Sucker move, King — everybody knows friends don't let friends sit through that crap.

• Stephen King: 10 Best Movies of 2008 [EW]

WHAT'S NEW: Speaking of recipes, Four Christmases sure has a fresh one! Mix Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. Add two cups of diced ensemble players including Robrt Duvall, Jon Favreau, Kristin Chenoweth and Sissy Spacek. Flavor with ball-kicking, pratfall and baby-vomit jokes. Bake for two hours. Serve lukewarm. It's good for about $40 million over five days. Transporter 2 is a little simpler hors d'oeurve for the guys out there, with Jason Statham liberally seasoned with bullets, quick cuts and decibels, turning out $18 million before the main course on DVD.

But if you're allergic to the multiplex, you may be best best suited to skip ahead to this week's new home video releases; the art-house kitchen appears to be closed to deliveries for the holiday weekend.

THE BIG LOSER: Australia is almost three hours' worth of the expansive (and expensive, at $130 million) hisorical epic no one makes anymore. And despite Oprah Winfrey's lavish endorsement, there's a reason for that: It's one in a generation that actually finds any traction in the two female quadrants whose repeat viewings push it toward box-office longevity and, almost necessarily, Oscar luster. Fox needs half a Titanic here (thus its Hugh Jackman heartthrob push at non-starter Nicole Kidman's expense) to make this work, and for the sake of the studio and director Baz Luhrmann and all involved, we hope they get it. But the middling, $26 million reality — especially on Twilight's likely second week at No. 1 — is what it is.

THE UNDERDOG: Instant-message quibbles aside, Milk is far and away the best thing opening this weekend; expect sell-outs and a per-screen average of at least $39,000 in 17 markets. (It opens wide Dec. 12.)

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD's include Will Smith's brooding hero Hancock, the summer champs Meet Dave and Space Chimps, more Vaughn holiday frolic in Fred Claus, the TV knockoffs A Colbert Christmas and 24: Redemption, and just in time for the holidays/white-elephant gift exchange, Beverly Hills 90210: The Complete Sixth Season.

So will your Turkey Day food coma overlap into moviegoing? Is it more of a football-and-shopping weekend, or will the budgie-smuggling pull of Australia be just too challenging to withstand? In any event, have a fantastic holiday, and should you brave Space Chimps, please let us know what we're missing.

Boomp3.com

Movie tough guy Jason Statham is just the latest celebrity to jump on the mystery stain fad. The Death Race star was spotted leaving popular Italian eatery Café Med with a rather large wet spot on the front of his t-shirt. Statham deflected any questions about the stain with the classic grade school defense, "That's for me to know and you to find out." Statham saw that interest in his stain was being to dwindle once he left the restaurant.

It was then, and only then, that Statham quietly admitted that he had knocked over a glass of water onto his lap during the course of his meal. Statham said, "I wanted to be the mysterious guy for a change. The brooding guy where you don't know if he has proper table manners or not. You know, as opposed to the guy with coordination issues."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

WHAT'S NEW: Or perhaps, rather, "What isn't new?" Moreover, it's a fascinating week of studio test drives for stars of varying magnitudes, with Jason Statham vs. Anna Faris vs. Rainn Wilson vs. Steve Coogan vs. Ice Cube and all of them forced to open against a Tropic Thunder crew looking for payback after last week's disappointing take. It's not an even playing field, but Universal's updating of Death Race 2000 — now known simply as Death Race, for action fans afraid of big numbers — has the best advantage with Statham's bankable, monosyllabic heroism set for a $17.5 million take.

We're pulling for Faris, meanwhile, as sharp and enduring (and continually underrated) a comic talent as anyone churned out of the Apatow stable, yet whose The House Bunny may not have the legs it needs to hop over The Dark Knight and into third place. The hell with it — we're calling for $11 million, which should narrowly surmount Batman by about $750,000. The Weinstein touch will do pretty much what you expect for Ice Cube's PG-rated (and Fred Durst-directed) The Longshots, nudging it only slightly over $6 million. Coogan's mixed-reviewed Hamlet 2 — which Focus bought this year at Sundance for $11 million — won't break the Top 10 in limited release.

Also opening: The Tori Spelling-starring Lovecraft adaptation Cthulu; the revealing (if slightly precious) documentary Anita O'Day: The Life of a Jazz Singer; and the wasted Germs/Darby Crash biopic What We Do is Secret, hands down the most dreadfully misconceived LA rock film since The Doors.

THE BIG LOSER: It's not like we're not pulling for Rainn Wilson in The Rocker or anything, but seeing Fox set him up as the next Jack Black in his first real leading role — a flabby, flamboyant man-child drummer who reclaims his dream of rock stardom by joining his nephew's band — only to have him crash with maybe $5.5 million tops? It's almost enough to make us wish for his return to those not-too-long ago Bob Shaye glory days. Or at least a new season of that sitcom in which he seems to excel.

THE UNDERDOG: Alex Holdridge may never get the credit he deserves (or thinks he deserves) for Superbad, but he'll always have In Search of a Midnight Kiss, a lovely, funny and strikingly elegant paean to love lost and found in Los Angeles. Wilson (Scoot McNairy) is a slack, self-described misanthrope seeking the same on Craigslist for a date on New Year's Eve. He winds up meeting Vivian, a conveniently cute blond played with relentless, freak-show ferocity by Sara Simmonds. Their eight-hour anti-courtship through a black-and-white city may seem familiar at first, but its chief references (Manhattan, Before Sunset) only reinforce how markedly Holdridge veers away from them over 100 minutes. In fact, his simultaneous embrace and rejection of the genre borrows most from his stars' chemistry — a sprawling cosmopolis of lust and apprehension in its own right. And did we mention it's funny? Take a date, or don't. Just see it.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD releases include HBO's 2000 election reimagining Recount, the Jonas Brothers' opus Camp Rock ("Extended Rock Star Edition"!), the Keanu Reeves disaster Street Kings, the "Election Year" edition of Oliver Stone's Nixon and, at last, Gossip Girl: The Complete First Season.

So is it Team Statham or Team Faris? Or is it just the time of year you flip a coin and/or let the box-office attendant decide your movie for you at random? We feel like we need selection brackets, ourselves; help guide our (and your fellow readers') ways below.

After all, this just in from The Movie Blog:

Corey Haim will have a role in Crank 2. ... [Directors Mark] Neveldine and [Brian] Taylor always provide perverse and titillating sex sequences; I wonder if we will see Haim throw his hog around. They totally showed ALL of Alyssa Milano in Pathology, and I am wondering if I will get to see another childhood role model's genitals before I die.

• Amy Smart Topless [JFX Online via JoBlo]

• Corey haim Will have a Role in 'Crank 2' [The Movie Blog]