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It ain’t easy being a smoker at LAX these days. My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee felt as if he had to hike all the way to Northridge in order to find a spot where he could have a very vital stress releasing cigarette before his flight. Lee understands the desire to have smokers separated from the general public, but the cubby hole he was placed into was a bit much. Lee said, “I get it, but couldn’t they give us smokers more room to work with other than this little box. The line to smoke goes all way down to Manhattan Beach. We’re people who have a bad habit, but it’s not a crime. Maybe two or three people could smoke at a time.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• My Name Is Earl Star Jason Lee Has Baby Girl! [Us]

In today's installment: Neil Patrick Harris, Woody Allen, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Grazer, Blake Lively, Pierce Brosnan, Christian Slater, Chris Noth, Jason Lee, Jenny Lewis, John Rzeznik, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Dyan Cannon, Camryn Manheim, Bruce Vilanch and more!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· I was at the Arsenal in Los Angeles last night and saw (HOT)MIKE BORTONE (Survivor), PAMELA ALDON ( I remember her from Grease 2, but now on Californication and King of the Hill) and LIZA SNYDER (Yes, Please). They looked like they were having a great time, drinking & laughing & hanging out with a bunch of fun people. At one point I thought Liza & Pamela were going to get up & dance with the DJ's, but no luck. Good Times.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
· Saw BLAKE LIVELY at Urth Cafe in Beverly Hills. Amazingly, she mistook ME for one of her friends and stopped me as I walked by and said, "Hello." She realized her error and was very sweet in apologizing. She's as pretty in person as she is on TV.

· DYAN CANNON — all 90lbs of her — managed to waft/ tremble/ stumble into my abs class today at Equinox. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, that woman looks like the gorgeous Dyan Cannon, star of my all-time favorite and underrated Al Pacino movie Author! Author! But it can't be her because her surgically enhanced lips are bigger than my ass."

While the instructor yelled at us during the "reverse crunch" series ("this targets LBF, people! Lower Back Fat! Nothing attractive about that!"), I determined that it was indeed her. Her body is 15, most of her face is 35, but her lips are just...wow. A very bad decision. Sort of criminal, really, that some surgeon would go through with that. Someone should hire her for something—but first demand she gets rid of the trout pout.

· I saw WOODY ALLEN & SOON YI today at MOCA. He does not at all try to hide the fact that he's looking at you. Definitely a people watcher.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
· While at the Eddie Izzard show at the Kodak, I spotted a very cheery CAMRYN MANHEIM. I always expect her to be in a foul mood but she seemed open and, dare I say, bubbly. As I was waiting for the show to start I felt the cold wave of hack comedy wash over the crowd. As I turn around, I see a T-shirt with a hacky comment and the unmistakable bleached bowl-cut of BRUCE VILANCH entering the room. Watching Izzard perform, Vilanch must have felt like a midget trying to guard Shaq. Hopefully it made him realize he should quit the business and leave the hackiness to butchers, golfers, and Dane Cook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
· I saw JOHN RZEZNIK of the Goo Goo Dolls getting his Polish on at Warszawa in Santa Monica. He was with some appropriately punk looking pals, pretty cool, having his pierogi.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11
· It was the day of hot rocker boys of the 90’s at Equinox on Sunset. Saw DAVE NAVARRO and MARK MCGRATH. Dave’s always there, so that might not be much of a sighting. Mark got approached by some overeager fangirls and looked a bit confused, then scurried away.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12
· It was a celebrity smorgasbord at Nobu (Malibu) around 8:30pm: BRIAN GRAZER, PIERCE BROSNAN (looking fantastic!), CHRISTIAN SLATER (not so much) and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY (the usual). They were not all together as that would be just plain weird.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Driving home from work last night (13 Aug) I passed MIA MICHAELS (So You Think You Can Dance) heading in the opposite direction (west - natch!) on the Santa Monica Blvd. at the Van Ness intersection. She drives something big and Jeep-like and black. Naughty lady was at the wheel and using her cellphone. Brazenly! But then, as we all know, celebs are above the law.

· While waiting outside of my chiropractors office...I see CHRIS NOTH (aka, BIG) come out of "Miss Barry's Bootcamp". He was shirtless and glistening all over (having just finished being tortured by "Miss"). Anyway, he was very nice and did not seem to mind people checking him out (nice bod for an over 50 man). Needless to say my tiny little life got a lot bigger for a second.

· It was a celebrity paradox at Poquito Mas on Cahuenga. First, we see a scruffy yet sexy JASON LEE eating with his son PILOT. He seemed like a typical father with him, very sweet, taking him to the bathroom, making sure he had enough nachos, etc. He had a FULL beard (Jason Lee, not the kid), but it kind of worked on him. Then, just minutes later, an absolutely adorable JENNY LEWIS walked in with a pal. They looked like two sweet high school girls. She and Jason Lee made the awkward "I'm famous and you're famous and we are kind of Silver Lakey-Eastsider cool" nod to each other and I couldn't help but think that they would be an adorable couple. A little too cool for school though, perhaps...

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and DAVID WALTON (from Quarterlife) are working up a sweat (separately) at Equinox on Sunset.

In the parallel universe where this might be funny, Zucker's tacky product-placement gags, writer-prodding jabs ("preferably in the first 17 days!") and generally bloodless deadpan are themselves sitcom gold, and a star is no doubt born. On Earth, however, we fear this is a haunting signal of the Zucker-era tight-fistedness to come: With pilots, upfronts and junkets already slashed from the NBC budget, Zucker moves on to consolidate his entire Thursday-night slate into five SAG day players ruminating on how His Name Was Earl, the minimalist Jenna Fischer/Office spinoff Pam and Zucker himself finally replacing Alec Baldwin in the 30 Rock role he's been eyeing for at least a year. At least one man's spring is off to a good start.

• Has NBC Uni's Jeff Zucker Lost His Mind? [DHD]

Considering the fact that a line like Whitney Kros (with its zebra-crotched pants and paint-splattered white jeans) is not exactly Chanel couture, we're not entirely caught off-guard to see that Tom, Katie, Will, Jada and the Travoltas didn't make the trek. While we'll never know exactly why the "cool kids" of Scientology weren't there, there is one question that is weighing even heavier on our minds — how sick do you think Jason Lee is of that ridiculous Earl mustache? We're betting that answer lies somewhere between really sick and really really sick. But we've been wrong before.

[Photo Credits: Getty, Filmmagic]

• YOU TOO CAN DRESS LIKE A SCIENTOLOGIST [Janet Charlton]

In today's sensational, father-and-son-themed episode: Mark Wahlberg, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jason Lee and John Taylor; Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie; Keanu Reeves, Judy Law, Meg White and Perry Ferrell; Al Pacino; Tom Hanks; George Lucas; Robert Downey Jr., Steven Soderbergh and Jules Asner; Ellen Pompeo; David Spade; Dennis Hopper; Topher Grace and Cash Warren; Jamie Lee Curtis; David Arquette and Courteney Cox-Arquette; Bryce Dallas Howard; Jackie Warner and Mimi; Sara Chalke and Joanna Garcia; Joe Francis; Paris Hilton; Jared Leto; Magic Johnson, the Wayans Brothers, Neil Patrick Harris, Jay Mohr, Brian Cox and Jim Caviezel; Jason Schwartzman and Zooey Deschanel; Elton John; Marcia Cross; Justin Chambers; Kevin Federline; Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen; Rosario Dawson, Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl; Adrian Grenier; Dr. Dre; Michael Keaton; Allison Janney; Dave Foley; Brooke Burke; Henry Winkler; Ryan Cabrera; James Van Der Beek; Mark McGrath; Jordana Brewster; Austin Nichols; Charles Thatcher; Tony Little; Chris Kattan; Louie Anderson; Gary Gulman; Tempestt Bledsoe and Miley Cyrus.

· Quadruple celebrity sighting at the last day of the Banksy "Barely Legal" show downtown:

On the last day there was a 2 - 3 block line to get into the Banksy "Barely Legal" spectacle. It took maybe 45 minutes to an hour to get through the line, but just as we were getting right up front to the door, Jason Lee, wife and Pilot Inspektor (god, I love saying that kid's name) came up to the front of the line and tried to get in. Maybe the people that they hired to work security didn't recognize him, hate his show or were just OVER IT because they didn't let him in right away, they didn't go get someone to walk him in or give him any special treatment and although he didn't wait in line, he did have to stand outside for about half an hour before they let him in.

Meanwhile, inside the show, my high school dream came true as I saw John Taylor from Duran Duran alone and staring sadly at the pink elephant's butt. He's tall as hell, has bleach blonde hair and still looks great.

Sacha Baron Cohen who currently looks exactly like Borat without the mustache was walking around, then just kind of loitering and people watching. About 100 people asked him if they could take his photo to which he replied that he doesn't take photos out of character. He then offered to take photos of the people who asked for his photo. No one took him up on it, but I must say that he is loud as hell. You could hear him all the way across the warehouse every time he spoke. One woman didn't take kindly to his refusal to be photographed and started yellspeaking "THAT is a HUGE diss! That is a HUGE diss!" while he loudly kept trying to counter her and kept getting cut off.

There was a line to get in to see the movie once inside and the guy who was hired to do security (?) at the entrance to the movie was OVER IT too. Sacha Baron Cohen tried to stand off to the side and see the movie without actually standing in line or going in. When a girl asked where it was taking place, the entire warehouse heard him say "ENGLAND." The security guy then started yelling at him to get in line. He just kind of looked at him blankly for a second. Then the security guard told him to MOVE that he couldn't stand there and to get in line. Again, the entire warehouse heard him say "FUCK THIS." while he walked off.

As I was looking at a wall sized Banksy piece I found myself standing next to Mark Wahlberg who came up to my shoulder. He kept telling his friend that the guy in the painting looked like him. He made his friend take off his hat, spike up his hair, put on glasses and pose in front of the painting while he photographed him. He did actually kind of look like him, but only a friend would recognize that.

It was very crowded and hot, so after being there for about an hour, it was time to leave. The line had grown increasingly long, the police and fire department were outside, there was an ambulance there and people in lofts surrounding the event were lowering beers in buckets to the people in line (for a price). Yes, it was total pandemonium, but worth it for the John Taylor sighting alone.

· At the Banksy pre-pre-show on Thursday afternoon. I was distracted from looking at the elephant by Keanu Reeves, Jude Law, Meg White, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who was wearing a trench coat indoors perhaps she's pregnant again), Perry Farrell, and after that I was so delerious by the star power in the room that I got a headache and had to go home!!! Still having dreams about how sexy Angelina looked...

· I was on an errand run and saw Al Pacino and his young son picking up some toys at Target in West Hollywood (SM & La Brea) on Sunday (9/17) at around 4pm. Al's hair was a terrible redish/brown (I'm assuming for a role) and he was wearing a suit that looked two sizes too big. And the dude needs to get some sleep. He looked like more plastic surgery would be in his future. No entourage or handlers were in sight...just Al and his son.

· Sunday, 9/17 Just came out of the Volcom store on La Brea and saw Tom Hanks and a young boy, his son, I suppose, going into the store. I resisted the urge to turn around and go back in. Cool sighting for a Sunday afternoon.

· Wednesday Night (9/13) at Koi (yeah, that's how I roll) none other than Jedi Master of the Universe George Lucas, dining with a pretty female companion.

· saw Robert Downey Jr. + his son @ Starbucks in Santa Monica (Wilshire + 26th St) this past Friday, 9/15, early evening. they were right behind me in line. Son was looking very cute in a long stringy-haired/skateboarder/punk way. dad was quiet, almost sullen, wearing a grey pin-striped suit. a day in court? funeral? he ordered a venti something, son picked out a pastry.

· Saturday night saw Steven Soderbergh and Mrs. Soderbergh, (Jules Asner) at Jar on Beverly. Everyone in the restaurant stared at them the whole time..I guess he's got that Ocean's 13 glow. She was stunning and very tall, he looked kind of tired and very skinny. It looked like they were meat eaters. They held hands as they walked out. My friend (who was meeting me) passed them when he was pulling up to the valet, strangely he said they jumped into a white Volkswagon Bug (not one that was made in the last decade) strange choice for wheels.

Also saw Ellen Pompeo (of Grey's Anatomy and notorious non eater fame) Sunday at Long's drugs by the Beverly Center. She's scary in person..too thin and her face looks slightly inflated (possibly with collagen injections?) I don't know. Couldn't make out what she had in her red basket..

· Banksy Sighting! Dude, mine rules: DENNIS HOPPER. Sunday. Looking way cooler than half the tool heads present.

· David Spade on Camden in Beverly Hills on Monday wearing poofy shorts. He's unattractive, smelled like b.o., and is not funny. Why is he in movies?

· Last Friday at The Dime on Fairfax, Topher Grace of That 70s Show was there with a group of rather plain looking folk. He arrived around 11:30 pm or so wearing a hoodie over a t-shirt and jeans. Also sighted was Jessica Alba's man main Cash Warren with 2 friends. Cash was dressed similarly to Topher. CAA Agents Jim Toth and Omid Ashtari were there as well. And if anyone cares, Jamie Lee Curtis was on Bedford St in Beverly Hills last week at like, 8 in the morning. Are the shops even open at that time?

· Ok — so 2 weeks ago I was remiss. At a back to school weekend at Target I saw both Joanna Garcia and Second Becky (the illustrious Sara Chalke) I didn't look at what they were buying or who they were with because I don't really care about them.

LATER that week, I saw 3% body fat/ 97% drama, jam out with your clam out Bravo break outs Jackie Warner and Mimi Crazy. They were hangin' with the rest of WeHo's elite bod squad militia.

THEN on Saturday night I was at Il Sole, and some of the New Gay Mafia was in attendance (not together) Ben and Christine, Ali G (SBC him self), with lovely fiance Isla F... . And quirky production (and acting...?) duo David Arquette and Courteney Cox-Arquette. I ate salmon. It was delish.

LATER.... Real Food Daily...My back was to her, so there is nothing I can really say, but who other than the Shamalayan muse, Lady in the Water Bryce Dallas Howard herself, sat and ate dinner with a table full of 5 other happy, normal looking folks, including a baby, and left without fanfare.

· Saw Joe Francis leaving the Wynn Tower Suites in Las Vegas on Friday, Sept 15 about 3pm, a scant few days after the gov't handed down it's underage beatdown fine. Francis wasn't with an underage girl - just some really, really trashy blonde and not trashy in a good way. He looked a little freaked as he got into the Wynn Rolls Limo as he knew there was a special place in hell for him.

· Oh, for fuck's sake. Neighborhood scuttlebut had it that Jared Leto bought a house on my block — extreme northern border of Hollywood, aka Studio City adjacent, but not North Hollywood — but now we've just seen Paris Hilton going inside. It's one thing to read about their crazy antics on defamer but I have no desire to live within reach of such skankitude.

· 9/16 saw Jared Leto at the opening of Shepard Fairey's exhibition at Merry Karnowsky Gallery on La Brea. He was so short my friend didn't notice him even though she was standing right next to him. He may be height and fashion-challenged, but he's still cute as hell.

· Holy moly, it's all go at the 24-Hr Fitness in Sherman Oaks. Not only do you get regular sighting of owner Magic "perma-grin" Johnson and friends — an older Wayans brother or two, Mr. T — plus Doogie Hauser (Neil Patrick Harris), Jay Mohr, even Brian Cox puffing on stairmaster with cell phone. Now we've got Jesus Christ himself, Jim Caviezel hitting the bike and weights with a older male trainer. Demeanor was suitably humble and modest, but no back welts. After discreet study from my twat-spreading perch, I see he has that very square, clean-cut MidWest vibe which is an inch away from being full-on flaming gay —vest, ethic medallion thingy, close cropped hair with a hint of a Tintin quiff. But clearly not. Not like certain wrestling, controlling, non-glib midget superstars I could mention...

· Saturday, September 16th - Actor Jason Schwartzman at the M Cafe on Melrose Ave. having lunch with a girlfriend- very possibly Zooey Deschanel . He's small, very slender and rather cute. The scruffy beard works well for him.

· Parents in town this weekend visiting and they wanted to see all their favorite places from US Weekly. We popped into Fred Segal on Sunday and while my mom was browsing their shoe department, so was Elton John and his hunky blonde bodyguard. He bought a couple pairs of shoes and snuck away into a waiting Suburban. I didn't notice what shoes he bought but my mom assured me they were Swarovski-crystal studded wingtips. Then there's also a hearsay sighting from them: on Saturday night, the 'rents had dinner at the Tower Bar and ran into George Clooney.

· Is Marcia Cross is following me, or is it pregnancy vibes since my baby is about due any day now? I, the alleged perpetrator of "planting" the last Marcia Cross sighting last week at Diamond, saw her again at Pea in the Pod in Beverly Hills. She seemed to be with a stylist and trying on new looks to augment her soon-to-be-augmented-figure wardrobe. About an hour later as I pulled out of the Barneys parking lot I saw paparazzi lined up waiting for someone to exit. Either I missed whoever it was inside, or Ms. Cross was shopping for snazzy maternity duds in there — but I'm not sure she attracts pap clusterfucks like that.

· This morning (9/20) at Starbucks on Vermont, a crazy white haired guy who I thought was just your random rambling homeless person grabbed my arm in line and pointed outside, "See that guy out there? He plays the young doctor on GREY'S ANATOMY". I looked, but then I had to admit to crazy white haired guy that I don't watch GREY'S ANATOMY. (He seemed shocked. Am I that house-wifey looking??) But curiosity got the better of me and I googled the show when I got home, and yup, it was JUSTIN CHAMBERS enjoying some java. He was dressed very cute hispter and honestly? Maybe a touch to pretty to be straight. As the crazy white haired guy (who clearly isn't homeless since he watches nighttime soaps...somewhere) later said, "That's why I love L.A. You can see celebrities with your morning coffee." Truer words never spoken.

· Hello: KFed is at the Saugus Caf on San Fernando Road in Santa Clarita filming CSI. Several Security Guards are present to protect him. In reality - It's the mild-mannered suburbanites who really need the protections from rap posers and free loaders abound. No site of Britney.

· An Olsen twin manifestation on Melrose. The twee girls driving one of those boxy Benz SUVs, going shopping at Maxfield. Get outta my neighborhood!

· Dude. Seriously. Have you ever seen Mary-Kate in person? Because I think I did, but it was more like an Alien sighting, where you think it might be an Alien, or it might just be a really strange looking arrangement of plants and you're high so who knows? Well, I saw the Alien. But the Alien looked like a troll. And apparently it was Mary-Kate Olsen. It was walking away from the Venice Boardwalk with a small friend, and it was wearing a HUGE goldish-glittery top over TIGHT black (acid washed?) jeans, and gold ankle-boots over the jeans and ew I want to throw up. It had Orangish hair, was sporting the requisite huge-swallowmyflatface-sunglasses, and it looked like a baglady. It was awkward for everyone involved.

· At the taping of "VH1 Storytellers: Dixie Chicks" last night (9/20): sitting behind Rosario Dawson and pals were Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl (no doubt lamenting the absence of Jason Lewis). Rosario arrived fashionably late and left before retakes, as did Lance and Reichen. Perhaps they realized that "Josie and the Pussycats" and NSYNC prompted VH1 to start saving music?

· I was having lunch at The Farm in Beverly Hills on Saturday. Seated nearby were Cheryl Hines and Kristin Chenoweth (and three guys who are unimportant to this report). Hines looked nice and Chenoweth looked...short, but very cute in that short, actress-singer-dancer-etc. sort of way. She should revert back to long hair anytime now.

· Wed. 9/20 saw Entourage star Adrian Grenier at the Ratatat show at the Troubadour. He looks just like he does on TV. He is about 5'11" and his hair definitely has some poof to it. He is a good looking guy with very pretty eyes. It looked like he was at the show with a tall blonde and some non descript guy . The show was pretty awesome.

· Saturday Sept 16. Having dinner on a first date when I notice a group of men across the patio. When they walk by, one of the men is none other than the King of Westcoast Rap, Dr. Dre. He was casual in a polo shirt and jeans, and no baseball cap. I wonder if they had the flaming cheese and said "Opa!". However, I doubt it.

· At Santa Monica's oldest resturant The Galley on Wednesday night, saw Michael Keaton. He talked with a friend at the bar during my entire time there, but I couldn't tell if he was having their excellent Mai Tai's.

· Tuesday, 9/19: Happy Hour at Formosa Cafe, spotted Allison Janney and four friends having martinis in the train car. She's really lovely in person—striking and statuesque. They seemed to be joking around with their server and everyone seemed very friendly and in great moods.

· last night (monday 9/18) at hooter's in hollywood...which is a Steelers bar, by the way. For the monday night debacle against Jacksonville. Dave Foley (is that his name? the guy from kids in the hall and news radio) he must have been filming something there because as my friends and i were getting there, there were a bunch of PA types packing boxes and coiling wire. he was pretty nice. he looked around and noticed all the people dressed in steelers jerseys, etc, so he asked me "so you all are here to watch project runway?" he looked a lot older than i imagined he was...his hair was almost totally gray and he was walking with a cane. also, he's seemed to pack on the weight since i've last seen him on tv.

· 9-19. Walked past Brooke Burke eating lunch at Katsuya in Brentwood. Looked fairy normal in nondescript white tank. Bonus points for taking her sunglasses off, even though her table was right on the sidewalk. She was eating with another female and a male who was, sadly, not Art Mann.

· 9/17: I'm at LAX at 4:30 AM trying to stay awake when a man in a bright purple shirt is let through our line and it's Henry Winkler. Apparently The Fonz still has it. I resisted the urge to tell him to sit on it... I landed in DEN and shared the moving walkway with the Fonz...I think he may be stalking me. Some donut says "hi there Henry!" As if he's a long time friend but Winkler was very nice to him. Classy guy...I guess I'll forgive him for the purple shirt.

· i'm telling you, life in the valley is one thrill after another.

3:30pm on wednesday i was standing outside the fashion square at sherman oaks when i see a young couple walking toward me. the female is a dime-a-dozen-l.a. blonde with her dior rasta bag, what caught my attention was the guy with her who was wearing what appeared to be black clam-diggers (huh? on a guy?), white shirt and a knit cap-thing. as they get closer, i see that it's ryan cabrera. the two actually appeared to be just friends, as i saw them later on wandering around NOT holding hands or canoodling. the blonde friend was no one i recognized, it certainly wasn't *riley keough,* whom he was spotted with last week in nyc.

once safely inside the fashion square i'm headed up the escalator when i see a tallish blonde guy, who looks vaguley familiar, walking with some straight haired girl, who is NOT katie holmes. turns out the guy is tv's dawson leery - james van der beek, looking taller and thinner than i imagined.

that's life in the fast lane.

· I saw Mark McGrath (of EXTRA and Sugar Ray fame) at the Equinox on Sunset on Tuesday at 3:30pm...he was in a sleeveless black T and running shorts. He went straight to the treadmill and ran for a while, chatted up some chick next to him. When he was done he went to a weight machine and stood by it for a few minutes and then just left the building. Weird?

· Jordana Brewster last weekend at the ArcLight, Saturday night show of Hollywoodland. With a cute guy. She looks good

· Was enjoying trying to relive my wasted youth at the USC vs Nebraska football game. Noticed two very handsome guys near me and turned out to be Austin Nichols, "Mr. John from Cleveland" or whatever, and friend. The friend was quite a headturner. Blond and built. Attracting a fair amount of attention, but none more than from Austin himself.

· I have read Privacy Watch...laughed my teats off, and waited patiently for my chance to contribute something amazing. That chance has come...in the form of two of the greatest C-List sightings of all time.

On my very first trip to LA, standing in line for the Detroit to LAX flight, is none other than Charles "Corky" Thatcher himself, Chris Burke. I wasn't sure at first if it was him, because...without sending myself directly to hell...he kind of looked like most middle aged men with downs syndrome (not that I have seen a lot.) But then...as luck would have it, he was seated directly behind me as I downed my first of many Screwdrivers. Someone asked him what he was up to now...and there was a sad awkward silence. I'm thinking not much, as The Corkster was seated in coach with the rest of us commoners. I scored myself a first-class ticket to Hades when I took a paparazzi-esque camera phone pic of him. Even after 5 servings of vodka I fought the urge to ask him why Becca got to leave the diner and also got her driver's license first.

Then, as if Corky wasn't enough to secure the spot of "best first trip to LA memory," my friend and I saw exercise (?) guru (?)Tony Little huffing his pudgy little ass up the Santa Monica Pier. Tony was certainly not little, nor was his mullet-like curly ponytail which was flapping in the breeze. He was rocking the usual black wife beater and black short shorts. Saddest part was maybe the fact that he had to rent a bike to huff and puff himself around on... maybe shouting "You Can Do It!" in the Geiko commercial was not the best career move.

Can't wait till my next trip to LaLa...hopefully THEN I will get to see Hank Azaria...because everyone else gets to.

· Sunday night at Hot Wings Cafe on Melrose, a very teeny, weensy, tiny Chris Kattan was getting takeout with a semi-hot blond. He was the only male in the restaurant that wasn't glued to the tvs that were screaming the football game...hmmmm....

· Last Monday Afternoon @12:30 Outside the Big and Tall store on Wilshire Blvd. In Beverly Hills I was walking up to the bank on Wilshire and right in front of me smoking a cigarette outside the Big and Tall store was a very large man staring me down. I look straight at him and realize it's Louie Anderson.

I was like damn Louie Anderson and he was like "Hi young man". I was like "damn I'm meeting a famous person" and he's like "I'm not really famous" and I'm like "damn Louie Anderson"

I asked what he was up to. He shared with me a new project he is developing. Something about a game show or cartoon or something.

Louie wished me and my family well and I went on my way.

This was exciting for me and probably for Louie as well. I know he has been dodging those gay hooker pick up rumors forever and let me tell you something.

While he did initially stare me down as a piece of luscious man meat he made no overtly suggestive suggestions or comments and was a complete gentleman.

· Sunday, 9/17 at Big Wang's in Hollywood: toward the end of the early games (I think, though some of the afternoon is a blur) I spotted not-really-a-star-unless-you-obsessively-watched-"Dane-Cook's-Tourgasm"-like-I-did, Gary Gulman threading his way out of the bar. He was decked out in a red jersey, but I didn't look closely enough to figure out which team it was for. I would've pegged him as a Patriots fan, but I guess not. And yeah, he's pretty hot in person - you know, if you like that 6'6", muscled, tousled hair thing.

· 9/16 — I went to Malibu to see stars and eat seafood, and by golly, both missions were accomplished. Had A list seafooda the Malibu Seafood shack and had an F-list sighting of former Cosby Kid/Talk Show Host/Celebrity Fit Club participant Tempestt Bledsoe.

· Last Saturday afternoon, while attending a private, corporate party on the Santa Monica Pier, I was suddenly stopped and told I would have to wait to ride the ferris wheel because a "star" was on it. When I told these "handlers" that we had exclusive rights to the rides for the duration of our party, they said to take it up with their supervisors. Suddenly, the official S.M. Pier officials told the handlers that they could not take over their rides and to let me on at once! They did. The "star" was Miley Cyrus a.k.a. "Hannah Montana" of the Disney channel. So...I got to ride the ferris wheel with "Hannah" while a whole mob of her fans screamed below.....ahh.....L.A.

I was boozing it up Monday night for no reason other than they didn't pick up my trashcans and stopped in at the Short Stop thinking it would be empty. After all...who the hell goes out on a Monday night? The bar was fairly empty but of the people that were in there, half of them were on TV. Jason Lee of "My Name is Earl" fame & father of Pilot Inspektor held court amongst a bunch of cute eastside girls, Giovanni Ribisi was there too blocking my way to the smoking section and also holding court with a bunch of cute eastside types. Andrae Gonzalo (the designer from Project Runway that pitched a hissy fit when they tried to put a blonde wig on his black model) was giving or getting a tarot card reading (personality test?) with some really drunk people that looked like they were in a band. If I find out the Project Runway guy is a Scientologist, I'm pretty sure I've discovered their eastside headquarters.

That's an interesting theory, reader, and suddenly those two cans of beer they served us wired to some kind of calibration device are starting to make a whole lot of sense. Being a sucker for a 2 for 1 anything, however, we drank them both despite our misgivings. (And signed up for some exciting self-improvement classes! We think. We were drunk.) And while Lee and Ribisi are East Side mainstays, we welcome newly minted reality TV celebrity and poopie-panted cry-pansy Andrae Gonzalo to the PrivacyWatch fold. His Runway theatrics are never short of utterly transfixing.

*The purists have spoken.