1.) Janice Dickinson
The Insider has a new format sort of based on The View's "Hot Topics," in which the "news" correspondents and a celebrity guest debate bullshit tabloid stuff. The show describes it as "entertainment news with opposing views." Janice Dickinson was the guest on Wednesday, and they really need to just give her the job permanently, because she has finally found her perfect calling.

On Jon Gosselin:

On Whitney Houston:

On confusing saying the word "jackass" and acting like one:

2.) Bobby Brown's body is "pure"

What does Janice think of him?

3.) New Judge Judy episodes!
It's been a cruel summer without some new JJ. Thankfully the new season has returned to dispense the most practical advice in the world.

4.) "Get off your period, dude."
On The Real World: Cancun reunion show, Emilee almost got all L7.

5.) Police work stinks for women

6.) Why did Kim look like Dracula's girlfriend?

Oh, and of course, this.

7.) "Get ready for the fashion show!"

8.) They're just not that into you.
On True Life: I'm Polyamorous, three gay men were in one relationship with each other, but one of them is totally the outcast.

The outcast's solution was to add one more guy into the mix, to a balance. Once he found a suitable candidate, he brought him home to meet his boyfriends, and it all worked out for the best.

9.) How not to raise children.

10.) Paula Abdul

She needs a pageant mom for some stability.

1.)The Jerry Lewis Telethon
He ages like cheese, becoming saltier, stankier, more intense, and thus more enjoyable.

Also more offensive.

2.) AARP Lapdance

Charo performed Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" in the middle of the night during the telethon. I guess the intent was to wake people up. She went out into the crowd to get the audience dancing. When they didn't want to, she would hit them with her vagina.

3.) Tyra's back!

4.) And she wants to teach you stuff.
About menstruation.

How to frown with your eyes.

And how to not like your makeup.

5.) Janice still hates her.
After Tyra's Nightline interview during which she refused to discuss Janice Dickinson, Janice went running to The Insider to respond.

6.) The View returned.
Which is good news for those suffering in the recession.

7.) Kim needs a job.

Her daughter concurs.

8.) Blind-folded musical chairs.

9.) "She ain't messin' with no broke bro."

10.) The La Toya interview tonight will be awesome.
Judging from The Insider's preview of it.

1.) What's baby oil made from?

2.) What's propitious?

3.) Brain Babies
They're scary!

4.) People in the New York metro area love misery, as indicated by the most popular stories on the local news.

5.) Brooke Hogan thinks she looks hot as a lesbian. Others disagree.

6.) Bravo aired deleted scenes from the infamous "prostitution whore" finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. We learned a lot of new things, like GL Juicy J (gays love Juicy Joe).



And we learned that linoleum floors are not desirable in the Garden State.

7.) We also got some insight into what Danielle's sex tape might involve.

8.) 16 and Pregnant is a breeding ground for future Judge Judy litigants: Parents who raise idiots who become parents who raise idiots. It may sound harsh, but that's only if you haven't seen the show.

I do have to agree with the girl on point:

9.) "This man is an idiot."

10.) Janice Dickinson was voted off I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!
I'm gonna miss her crazy like crazy.

I've been there before, and I know that once you're that full of shit, you have to get it out in another way, so you just talk about it to anyone who will listen. While they were all sitting around the campfire, the group decided to have a love fest and talk about who their favorite person in camp was and why. When they got to Janice's turn she said, "I love you all. I gotta try to go take a shit."

And while she has constipation of the butt, she has diarrhea of the mouth.

She went on to say, "I used to live in New York City, Heidi. If somebody started singing like that, somebody would go, 'Yeah, shut up!'" Janice justified her remarks by saying it was "constructive criticism. That's what I do."

Heidi and Spencer have been all about Jesus since they returned to the show, which prompted them to begin a fast. (That might explain why they complained that they hadn't eaten in several days, at first blaming it on producers of the show.) Anyway, the religious experience affected Heidi, even in her sleep.

It wouldn't be surprising if "Jesus" was a pet name for Spencer's boner. John Salley would know, since he was watching.

It should be noted that later that morning Heidi vomited repeatedly.

After several bouts of nausea, Heidi was rushed to a hospital, and Spencer put the entire ordeal into perspective.

1.) Cougars!
Babs had a hard time saying it at first…

…but once she did, she liked how it sounded.

A lot.

2.) Sometimes soap opera dialogue sounds like that of a Russ Meyer movie.

3.) Talking about the weather, being judgmental about seat belt safety…Lauren Conrad is the definition of a square snot.

4.) Tyra is square snot².

5.) The Insider suggests the state intervene with Jon and Kate…because they are raising narcissists. Could you imagine the tax hike that would occur should indulgence be made a criteria of neglect/abuse?

6.) But that's business as usual for The Insider.

7.) Did Whoopi fuck Hugh Hefner?

8.) My mom was in The View audience this week. I could recognize her anywhere. Dollars to donuts I hear all about how freezing it was in the studio, and how rude Joy Behar is for not wanting to pose with her during a commercial break, the next time we speak. This is at least the sixth time in 11 years that's she's been an audience member on that show.

9.) How do you call monkeys?

10.) Janice Dickinson was on Finland's Next Top Model, and we posted about how she got wasted, fell down a flight of stairs, and then insulted the contestants by calling them "fucking dumb." However, she was totally blotto when she first arrived on set, acting like Miss Hannigan.

In today's installment: Janice Dickinson, Quentin Tarantino, Ellen Page, Sarah Silverman, Jason Schwartzman, Scott Speedman, Gene Simmons, Kristen Bell, Rachel Zoe, Adam Levine, Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Stacy Keibler, Reggie Bush, Dave Holmes, Holland Taylor, Busta Rhymes, and Lil Wayne.

Tuesday, April 1
· Beverly Hills Post Office, Main Branch: Stacy Keibler in line ahead of me, and Holland Taylor in line just behind me. Both women were gorgeous in everyday makeup and neither seemed at all "above" standing in the ridiculously long line with the regular folks at the post office. I did notice that Ms. Taylor was sending a package to Martin Sheen; how adorable.

Friday, April 4
· 8000 Sunset, @ 9:30pm: Quentin Tarantino sits not inside the arthouse cinema but instead on the newly installed tacky "patio furniture" of the renovated plaza. Talks with a Lisa Loeb look-alike, but she has long black hair, and is not an actress type. They sit next to each other, but facing, on a park bench. Tarantino wears no hat, a black leather jacket, jeans, & black Asics soccer style low tops with white socks that I can see because of his awkward bench positioning. All I hear him say is a rat-a-tat-tat "Yeah, yeah, ..uh huh, of course" while jutting his chin out as Loeb-alike talks. Both hold paper coffee cups. The HQ for TMZ is in the same complex - I was hoping they would look out their window.

Saturday, April 5
· West Hollywood 7-11 on La Cienega and Holloway @ 5:50am: I ran into Busta Rhymes. He was riding shotgun in a red Cadillac CTX. (the 2 seater) His buddy bought a newspaper and he looked at a people magazine and contemplated buying batteries. I was buying Gatorade and coffee. I walked up to him and said "Bus a bus?" He did not respond for a second, I thought he might be talking to someone via Bluetooth. It was only him and I and the cashier. So I said "Busta of flipmode squad" He then turned toward me and laughed, said yes and gave me a bro's handshake then walked out.

Sunday, April 6
· Brewery Art Walk: Scott Speedman wandering about alone, looked confused, cute but much stockier in person than I would have expected. Still maintain Felicity should have ended up with Noel.

· Tampa International Airport @ 6pm: I had been to the NCAA Women's Final Four, aka Lesbian Super Bowl. I stopped to get a meal at TGI Fridays to help my hang over and lo and behold at the bar I see sex god (?) Gene Simmons! He was conspicuously leaning on the bar, facing out, scanning the restaurant. I couldn't get over his ridiculous hair.

Monday, April 7
· Hollywood And Highland: Treating some out-of-town relatives to the sight of other people's out-of-town relatives staring at the sidewalk, I took refuge at the Sephora. As weekend celeb sightings are rare, particularly at touristy places, I was a bit stunned to see Sarah Silverman browsing the skin care section. She looked just like she does on television, which is... or is not... a compliment.

· Beverly Center Chipotle @8pm: Reggie Bush. Short and stacked. Pretty sure the black on black Bentley in the fifteen minute parking was his. Unfortunately it can't compete with my '92 Subaru.

· Red Lion: Dave "I Wanna Be A VJ But for Some Reason Jesse Camp Won that Show but now he's working at a pet store or so I heard" Holmes was at Trivia Night (and even on the winning team). I don't know if they showed up especially for trivia or just happened to be there. He was with a group of about 12 completely average seeming people, including one guy that must have been his brother because they had the same vaguely smug but disarming look about them.

Tuesday, April 8
· Mani's on Fairfax @ 8pm: Saw Jason Schwartzman grabbing something to go from the bakery. Cute, short, almost as exciting as the delicious piece of cherry pie I was devouring mid-sighting.

· Graumann's Chinese Theater: I'm at Graumann's Chinese theater and I'm about 93% sure I am sitting behind Janice Dickinson. I have not seen her face, but she keeps yelling at the ads before the movie. Now I'm 100% sure. She keeps commenting loudly after every trailer. This was so worth the 11.50 per ticket. When she walked out of the theater she said "yawn" loud enough for pretty much everyone to hear. Awesome. Whore...she's also totally skeletal and ate two buckets of popcorn then left for a while. Bulimic coke whore...."

· WeHo Trader Joes, afternoon: i was in weho trader joes yesterday afternoon and i heard this woman on the phone talking loud and it bugged me so i looked and it was Rachel Zoe in the cereal section moving to the trail mix section stuffing her basket and talking but that wasn't the disturbing part, maybe she was feeding the homeless, not herself. but she was wearing this huge fur vest (i am not a activist but that vest could make me one) that looked like a bear was hugging her and these ridiculous shoes that she was trying to balance on and and her face was so well just so bloated looking.......people trust her to dress them?

· Hotel Cafe: Dancing With the Stars pros Mark Ballas and Derek Hough played with their band "Almost Amy." In attendance: The Cheetah Girls, Cristian de la Fuente, Cheryl Burke, Julianne Hough, Priscilla Presley, Kristi Yamaguchi, Shannon Elizabeth, Fabian Sanchez, Pasha (from SYTYCD). Derek and Shannon were looking particularly cozy after the show.

· Beverly Center Chipotle: None other than Weezy F Baby (Lil Wayne) in front of me after yet another Chipotle visit. He was in a Dodge Nitrosomething with 29s or 30s on it. I wanted to get out of my car and tell him what a huge fan I am but I was afraid of getting clapped.

Thursday, April 10
· Adam Levine, in a giant green cowl neck sweater, shorts, high socks and driving shoes; buying many spirits at Mayfair. He is slender and handsome enough to obviously not be drinking all that alone later.

· Was at the Forgetting Sarah Marshall premiere party last night, complete clusterfuck. Mila Kunis looked pretty and skinny. Kristen Bell looked pretty, skinny and really happy. Amber Heard.. skinny and wooden. Seth Green was short and friendly. The skinny guy from Superbad, the comedian with a gap in his teeth from Human Giants [Ed. Note - That'd be Paul Scheer]. Busy Phillips sort of channeling Anna Nicole. Paul Rudd - as dreamy as expected. Swoon.

Friday, April 11
· Hollywood Farmers Market: I saw Ellen Page at the Hollywood Farmers Market. She looked very Juno in a hoodie with the hood up. She was buying brussel sprouts or something similarly healthy. Good eating habits Ellen!

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

boomp3.com

Professional train wreck Janice Dickinson proudly displayed what made her one of the most in demand models in the 1980s. Unfortunately for Dickinson (but much to the delight of the paparazzi), she remained stuck in that position for the rest of the afternoon. Fortunately, though, this provided her with an opportunity to tell a long and rambling story about the situation reminded her of this one time she went to Studio 54 with David Bowie and Pia Zadora.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

"The only thing I injected her with was my fist," he joked. He also claimed Brigitte Nielsen was one of the "least crazy" women he's dated and that saucy redhead Angie Everhart was demented. Stern, who also dated Everhart, said she is "very nice."

Among the other topics of conversation: The Richard Gere gerbil rumor (apparently untrue, with Gere "desperate" to find its source); and a rundown of roles Stallone turned down over the years (Superman, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard, and Witness—phew). But it was the parade of unzipped ladies who stole his heart that took up the majority of the interview, with Dickinson in particularly leaving a bas taste in his mouth. Could these same bitter adversaries have ever been tender lovers, spending their nights shaving each other's bodies, slathering one another in cocoa butter, and flexing side-by-side in a floor-length mirror to the blaring music of C+C Music Factory? To listen to them now, it's almost impossible to believe.

• SLY SPOUTS OFF [NY Post]
• Stallone's fury at ex-love Janice Dickinson's steroid claims [Daily Mail]

It actually started off pretty promising, the Victoria Gotti/Donatella Versace look-alikes populating the crowed, vampy Bobby Trendy and his self-important crew trying to snag the absolute best seats possible and at this point, I must ask if you've ever seen the El Rey, because all the seats are basically the same. There were also a bunch of America's Next Top Model wannabes running around, probably hoping for a photo-op. I have to say that same of them were appropriately stunning. It's not that often that a woman can make me seem short and fat, but these chicks did impress. [...]

Janice came out over half an hour late, a nervous (I'm assuming), coked-up wreck. It was soooo not fun to watch. For whatever reason, they had tried to get Janice to memorize a script and she was freaking out because she kept forgetting the script, which was really frustrating to watch because SHE ACTUALLY LIVED IT AND COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW THE STORY WENT. After the first costume change, which came after about 10 minutes of Janice's nervous rambling, Kimberly Stewart and her crew RAN out, leaving their lame dj friend to fend for herself. Ha. I liked that part. After the second costume change, we jetted.

From what I understand Janice later fell.

Perhaps the bouts of memory loss and vertigo can be written off to opening night jitters. Who's at their best with a legendary theater critic like Bobby Trendy sitting a few rows away? But if you're feeling like a thrill-seeker, planning on being on some really good drugs yourself, or need to take a break from your nightly cutting, someone's giving away free tickets on Craiglist. A caveat: We can't guarantee that you'll have more fun than you would if you stayed home with the razor blade and some TiVo'd episodes of Top Model.

• Ouch...that's gotta hurt [Office Monkey]