But who can be expected to do a good job as a one-man show in the swiftly professionalizing business of pretending to be an amateur? Even the gossips aren't doing the gossiping themselves. Even Perez Hilton is too busy hobnobbing with the people he ostensibly writes about to personally deface their photos anymore. It's understandable. Being yourself online is a full-time job. Ideally, for someone else.

The notion that blogs and Twitter will replace gossip has been around for a while. What's left for the tabloids if the stars reveal everything themselves? The gossip rags ought to fade away as celebrities interact with fans directly, and tell their stories their own way. Or so goes the webheads' theory.

But as Hollywood actors and musicians adopt Twitter en masse, the theory's getting a real-time test — and proving wanting. It turns out that media gatekeepers were really saving celebrities from themselves. As anyone who's written a magazine profile knows, what editors and readers want is an appealing, well-told story — not a numbing stream of trivia. And that means discarding far more material than one can ever use.

Facebook, Twitter blogs, and other media of the moment are a repository for that cutting-room floor — the ephemeral discards of mostly mundane lives. One man's trash is sometimes another man's treasure. But more often, it's just trash.

"It's inherently silly and it's inherently dumb," John Mayer, the musician and former Jennifer Aniston paramour told E! last week. Wise of Mayer to figure this out, though a bit late, since his Twitter addiction reportedly spurred his most recent breakup with Aniston. Mayer's smart enough to realize that Twitter is making him look like a fool to loved ones and strangers alike — but not smart enough to stop using it.

Courtney Love, meanwhile, is getting sued by a designer, Dawn Simorangkir, whose wares she once fancied, over ranting comments the professional Kurt Cobain widow left on MySpace and Twitter. Love has never been known for her self-control: Witness her unprovoked '90s-era rant about cheese, unleashed on an unsuspecting zine editor. But media which enable her to talk unfiltered 24/7 give us all too much insight into an obviously unbalanced mind.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton likewise have done themselves no favors in their blogging habits. Far from correcting their louche reputations, their overshares have cemented it.

Then there's the notion that fans would just sit back and receive all this information without comment. Jamie Spears, Britney's dad, is suing BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fan site, for allegedly invading his daughter's privacy. "I will destroy your ass!" Jamie Spears reportedly told BreatheHeavy webmaster Jordan Miller. (In fact, Jamie Spears may be mad about BreatheHeavy's aggressive questioning of the conservatorship arrangement under which he controls his daughter's finances.)

What's the solution? These people all need professional help. But since they're unlikely to spend the time they need on the psychiatrist's couch, they'll doubtless end up hiring assistants adept in social media. Ghostwritten Twitters are the hot new Hollywood must-have.

Every tweet will be media-coached. Every blog will be relentlessly edited — and then have typos inserted for authenticity. (Is that why someone pretending to be Rachael Ray consistently misspelled the cooking-show personality's name on a Yahoo blog?) The kids who are pretending to be celebrities on Twitter today will no doubt get paid to do it in the future.

Hilariously incompetent flack Jonathan Jaxson, who recently settled his legal spat with client Kim Zolciak of real Housewives of Atlanta, seems to be a pioneer here — in the sense that all pioneers get arrows in their back.

(Photo of Mayer by Getty Images; Spears by X17 Online)

Apparently, very! According to E!, Britney's father Jamie (who gave up a skyrocketing career in serving foil-wrapped crab cakes to take control of her finances) will be given a retroactive raise for doing little besides effusive nodding and sneaking Ativan into Britney's cheese grits:

Jamie, who has been receiving weekly payments of $2,500 from Britney's estate for serving as guide and guardian, will now get $16,000 per month to cover his workload from last January to November.

"He has been working extra hours related to various activities related to her music and her tour and activities necessary to the conservatorship," L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz said during Monday's hearing.

As of Dec. 1, however, the $2,500-per-week was back in play, Goetz ordered.

None of this includes the extra $1,500 a month Jamie will be getting for new office digs to conduct conservatorship business in, and $200,000 "for services rendered prior to the conservatorship" that will be going to Britney's older brother, Bryan, who is a cotrustee of her estate.

Sadly, Britney's mom Lynne gets nothing, despite her generous act to give up work as a self-employed personal shopper at Kitson. Think of all the medium-sized, $70 novelty tees ("Team Piven") that have gone tragically unbought, y'all!

• Britney's Dad Gets a Comeback Raise [E!]

"After Britney was released from the hospital, I brought Britney home and secured her living and care situation," Spears said. "Throughout the time period, I ran errands, including buying groceries and cooking supper on a daily basis. I talked frequently with Britney about her health status...I arranged for Britney’s transport and security to go shopping and so that she could teach a dance class."

While most of us would not consider cooking and having conversations with an ill family member to be going above and beyond, Spears demands aren't as ridiculous as they might initially appear. Assuming he really was with her 24/7, that comes out to approximately $357 a day, or $14.80 an hour. That's hardly big money for a co-conservator. Most celebrity personal assistants make more per hour. It turns out that Papa Spears works for cheap.

The most interesting part of the petition is Spears claim that he was deprived of his livelihood. Many people have assumed his profession is "leech." Turns out he may have been handing out chicken satay skewers at the last industry function you attended.

In his original petition to collect what more or less amounts to back pay, Spears' attorney wrote that his client, who had been working as a caterer, had "been forced to forego [sic] other employment in order to devote his full time and attention to Britney and her affairs"

This just goes to show the dangers of stereotyping. Not all waiters are aspiring actors. Many are the the parents of hit-deprived popstars. A reminder of why we all need to tip generously.

• Dad Details Billable Hours Spent With Britney [E! Online]

Surprisingly and delightfully, Splash News has the best details on how the alleged new couple behaved at the party:

She wore a tight sexy black dress, Louboutin heels and a bright red lipstick. Britney seemed relaxed and happy and laughed as she and Jason shared some jokes. The pair seemed very comfortable together. They sat in a private VIP booth, stayed for 1/2 hour, Britney took a cigarette break and her father seemed to be happy with his daughter having a great time with Jason.

Britney in Louboutins? Where have her beloved glued-on cowboy kickers run off to? Maybe they'll be her wedding present to Juno Lynn? But, we have to say, our favorite tidbit from this story is the fact that "Britney took a cigarette break" and "her father seemed to be happy" are in the same sentence. It's times like these when, for just a split second, we kind of wish Jamie Spears was our dad too.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• BRITNEY SPEARS SMILES AGAIN AS SHE STEPS OUT WITH NEW AGENT 'BOYFRIEND' [Daily Mail]

According to reports in everyone’s favorite trusted supermarket tabloid, Britney Spears is allegedly deep in planning mode for Comeback #487. Sources tell the National Enquirer that Spears is shelling out up to $10 million on what sounds like a very tasteful, classy-by-way-of-Louisiana string of song-and-dance shows at The Palms, one of K. Fed’s favorite places to sink into debt play the big baller. Where Spears is coming up with all this cash, considering most of her dough is currently going towards her father’s daily rate for babysitting, is still a mystery. But based on the description of her latest plan to “jump-start her career,” we’re not so sure these shows will do much aside from force us to remember Britney Spears Comebacks number 1 through 486:

As their source puts it, "She wants to make a splashy comeback in Las Vegas. She wants the show to be full of high energy and flashy costume changes." And while costume changes would be refreshing after her most infamous Comeback in that bejeweled bikini, her slightly varied outfits throughout that post-rehab string of weavetastic surprise shows at small venues didn't help to disguise the fact that she'd lost her dancing prowess, nor did they help plug our ears. But we do enjoy the use of the word "flashy." A dose of flash or two could have gone a long way towards saving her gritty pole-dancing performance in the video for "Gimme More." Putting aside our lack of belief in her latest scheme, we're primarily worried about Spears spending so much time in Vegas. The last time she "appeared" at an event on the Strip, she wound up wobbly welcoming the New Year before promptly passing out. Lest we forget, this is also the city that hosted her merry garter-adorned dream wedding. What happens to Britney in Vegas rarely stays in Vegas, unfortunately.

• SPEARS IN TALKS TO STAGE VEGAS SHOWS [Contact Music]

While some sources are saying the guy in question is her agent Jason Trawick, we think he looks just like Britney's brother Bryan, recently named a co-trustee of her estate. But we seriously hope not, considering the lovey dovey nature of their beach behavior.

And as for speculation that Spears is pregnant, recent reports that the recovering poptard is simply putting on pounds after ditching her ADD meds make more sense after seeing her boogie-boarding, something we doubt even Britney would do with a bun in the oven. Not to mention the appearance of those beloved Mommy Lollipops.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• BRITNEY'S BIKINI FUN IN COSTA RICA [PopSugar]

Back in March, we heard Malibu’s own Ken and Barbie, Mel Gibson and Britney Spears, were aligning their forces of stupidity for the greater good. But it was tough to figure out whether or not they were on a date or set to co-produce a new film starring each and every one of their split personalities. But thanks to recent reports, it sounds as though the partnership was neither love- or business-bound. They’re just two confused drunks trying to stay clean together! Master of sobriety Mel recently flew both Britney and her owner, father Jamie Spears, down for a vacation at his Costa Rican clam shack for some R&R. But why now? And more importantly, why does Britney keep hiding her newly rotund tummy from the paparazzi?

After being spotted at a health clinic just before her jaunt to Mel's, rumors circulated suggesting the healing poptard might be pregnant yet again. Coupled with the fact that Spears has recently favored camouflaging her baby-making area whenever the paparazzi swarm, the theory seemed plausible. But it was merely wishful thinking — the clinic in question specializes in (yawn) sports injuries. As a source tells The Sun, Spears just feels chunky after going cold turkey on her ADD meds, and being force-fed cuisine by her drug addict-turned-chef dad: "She has put on a lot of weight in recent weeks...she is extremely paranoid about her body at the moment." We just hope Mel doesn't accidentally erupt in another sexist spat and address her as Sugar Tits before grabbing her and passing out.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• BRITNEY SPEARS AND DAD HEAD TO MEL GIBSON'S COSTA RICAN RANCH [Us]
• BRIT TESTS STOKE BABY RUMOURS [The Sun]

While thirty guests were reported to have been invited, the paparazzi which "circled around the house and also in helicopters" were not. But, as we know by now, anywhere Britney goes, helicopters and police will follow. And although father and Britney's official off-site prison guard Jamie Spears was present, People doesn't mention matriarch Lynne Spears among the small group of ladies-only invitees. We can only assume The Package and the grandmother-to-be are going through yet another one of their messy patches.

[Photo credits: Splash, X17]

• BRITNEY HELPS JAMIE LYNN CELEBRATE BABY SHOWER [People]

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

Hulk Hogan: Low on the list, only because Brooke hasn't quite reached "starlet" or "rebellious" levels of fame yet.
Jamie Spears: Britney has publicly outed her dad as a former drug user, and we can't think of a father/daughter pair who are more "troubled" at the moment, but somehow Jamie doesn't strike us as the manhood-piercing type.
Michael Lohan: He is a wild card, but he's also some kind of born-again missionary. We don't know much about born-agains, but we doubt they frequent piercing parlors too often.

Lionel Richie: Lionel's the kind of guy we could picture spontaneously deciding to stick some jewels in those nether regions of his. But Nicole's no longer causing him any grief, and we can't find any reason why the crooner would be "troubled" at the moment.
Bruce Willis: Most likely suspect. Rumer's rebellious, Bruce is floundering, and he's a bad ass dude. How else to prove to his extended family that Ashton will never, ever be the man he is? A pierced Segel is the obvious answer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Rob's Blog, NYDN]

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]