There was a point, admits Lynne Spears, mother of Britney, when she toyed with the idea of calling her autobiography It's All My Fault. 'I can laugh about it now, but did I feel that way at the time? Yes, I did and, if I'm being totally honest, I still do,' she says. [...]

'When her life was such a success, what did she need me for? And when things took a turn for the worse, I was out, because other people - dancers, managers - were closer to her, and with her day and night. Being a mother, you can't help but have regrets about what you did and didn't do for your kids, and I'm no different,' admits Lynne. [...]

At the time, friends of the star were worried that she might try to kill herself - a fear shared by Lynne. 'Yes, I did worry that that might happen,' she confesses. 'I couldn't see Britney, and you worry more when you're looking at things from a distance.'

Sadly, questions about Jamie Lynn's pregnant lipo were mired when Lynne Spears went into long, oddly digressive anecdotes about Vietnam and Kissinger. Still, at least our nation can finally begin to heal, our long nightmare finally given a flaccid-cheeked, sputtering scapegoat crying, "I'm saying, it's NOT illegal when a stage mom does it!"

• Lynne Spears: I'm to blame for my Britney's meltdown [Daily Mail]

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source.

"She didn't know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure," a second source reveals. "Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient."

Moms-to-be are advised against the procedure.

To say the least! Still, at least newborn daughter Maddie has (forcibly) learned a Spears family tradition early on: gorge on all the pre-natal Cheetos you want, then eliminate them not through diet or exercise but through Dr. Bashir. Foolproof strategy, y'all!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jamie Lynn's Secret Plastic Surgery [Star]

1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

In each case, the real and fictional teens come from supportive, financially stable families, and seemed to be on track to have an array of future opportunities that a more typical teen mom might lack.

"It's been glorified all over the place," said Evelyn Rodriguez, 34, a New Yorker from a low-income background who gave birth to a son at 15 and now, after more than a decade of juggling jobs and classes, is on the verge of earning a college degree.

"People who don't have the money and great support, they say, 'Oh, wow, they're doing it — it's cool,'" said Rodriguez, referring to Spears and Palin. "But it's not cool. I've been through it. It's a job. I don't appreciate what's going on out there making it seem so beautiful, when it's not."

The panelists went on to agree that the Spears/Palin stories remain missed opportunities for a "serious national discussion of teen motherhood" — and that's not even counting the steep cultural cost of Diablo Cody winning an Oscar and maintaining a blog. We have seen the Third World, and it is us.

• Teen motherhood: Celebrity buzz belies its cost [AP]

You and Jamie Lynn got some negative press when she got pregnant so young. But more recently, 17-year-old Bristol Palin, and her mother, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice presidential candidate, found themselves in a similar situation. And the public reaction has been different.
It's a totally different reaction. It's as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. I mean, the mother, Palin, was celebrated for this. Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn — you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand ... I just feel like it's been a very hypocritical situation.

Indeed it has! Why, Lynne merely pushed her daughter into a soul-sucking life of show business, not a hastily arranged, RNC-preserving engagement to her child's father! Yes, Jamie Lynn has proved a bit more profitable than that lazy Alaskan Bristol, but does that mean that poor Lynne should have to suffer for it? Won't anybody think of the stage mothers?

• Grandmother Spears Speaks Out [Newsweek]

In other Spears family body news, Britney's weight fluctuates yet again:

We know we're not the only ones who heard the"I'm Mrs. 'She's Too Big, Now She's Too Thin'" lyric in Britney's song Piece of Me and wondered: 'in the age of idealized anorexia, who ever thought Britney was too thin?' Now we have our culprit: the Daily Mail said BritBrit looked "unbelievably svelte" while grabbing her nightly frappucino this weekend before catching My Best Friend's Girl, in which her vagina starred as the left side of Dane Cook's face.

[Photo Credits: X17, Getty Images]

• Mommy Pics of Brit's Sis Trigger Criminal Probe [TMZ]
• Oh my God! Britney Spears finally looks really thin... but not THAT thin [Daily Mail]

A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.

An insider says it was actually Lynne Spears, Jamie Lynn’s mom, who called about the gift, and requested the gift come from her daughter.

“It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burpcloths,” said the source.

Clever move, Lynn — especially since the LAT recently tagged Sarah Palin "the Lynne Spears of politics." Does this mean that the Palins may tote their very own Britney Spears into the White House... and if so, will she have to switch parties?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Exclusive: Jamie Lynn Spears Sends Gift to Bristol Palin [CelebTV]

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

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How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]

For months, rumors have circulated that Casey Aldridge has cheated on Jamie Lynn — but no one has come forward to confirm them, until now. In an exclusive interview with In Touch, 28-year-old Kelli Dawson reveals that she and Casey, 19, were romantically involved — and were still sleeping together when Jamie Lynn, now 17, was six months pregnant with his child.

The pair didn’t bother to hide their relationship. “Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years,” confirms Jason Alexander, Britney Spears’ first husband and a native of nearby Kentwood, La. “They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.”

Britney's first, daylong husband? Now that's sourcing! In the face of this incontrovertible evidence, Jamie Lynn would be well advised to take a page from her mother's Guide to Fucking Up Your Children (specifically, Page 119): "Now that the first potential husband is dispensed with, enjoy a wider pool of adventures that involves paparazzi, backup dancers, and Cheeto-covered, high-thread-count sheets."

• Jamie Lynn Spears is betrayed [InTouch]

Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


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According to the publisher Thomas Nelson — a publisher of inspirational books and Bibles — the book will take readers "beyond the reach of the paparazzi and outside the narrow orbit of the Hollywood glitterati to share the inside story of the Spears family-as only a mother can tell it."

Topics she discusses include:
- Her regret in abdicating parental authority to managers, agents and record companies
- Her response to Jamie Lynn's teen pregnancy
- The startling events that led to Britney's meltdown and Lynne's showdown with manager Sam Lufti

Other topics include:
- Her startling response to discovering that Fred Segal closes at 7pm
- How to get the most from your daughter's checkbook
- Sartorial choices: dressing like a slutty tween at age 53

Best of luck, Lynn — though we would have stuck with your original title: Drink, Play, F@#K. Sometimes you have to go high-concept.

• Lynne Spears' Book Hits Shelves in September [Star Magazine]

Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.

Instead of swaddling with Shiloh-approved People, both stars stuck deals with OK! Magazine, which means they're now lumped in with potentially crazier, certainly white-trashier babies like Maddie Briann Aldredge. How embarrassing. And while the deal makes more sense to red-neck-empathizer McConaughey, the move is far more surprising for the higher-maintenance Alba, whose baby's name is Honor.

Of course, when dealing with all matters of the heart, these celebrities turn to their accountants to make the decision for them. And it's a good thing McConaughey did, otherwise he'd end up perhaps classier, yes, but even worse, poorer:

His publicist, Alan Nierob, begged him not to work with [OK!] because he’s considered an A-lister. But Matthew hired money man Todd Shemarya, who brokered the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $4 million People deal."

And because of the deal, wombanizer McConaughey will reportedly receive $3 million for the first pictures of little Wrangler Levi. But alas, Alba will receive only $1.5 million, giving her yet another reason to hate everyone and everything around her. As she wipes little Honor's bottom with $10 dollar bills (baby wipes chafe!), she at least can take solace in knowing that her baby's photo will still fetch more than anyone's baby in Kansas ever will.

And where will Baby's First Millions go? Shirts and an indoor gym for daddy? Acting lessons and attitude checks for mommy? Therapy? The possibilities are endless! Luckily for us, for the next 30 years, we'll all be able to read the latest and breaking news on Levi and Honor from OK! Magazine. Imagine if Honor becomes a lovely, smiling joy? Or Levi, a buttoned-up, sober politician? My god, the horror.

• Matthew McConaughey Sells Baby Pictures For $3 Million [Fametastic]
• Baby Alba Cashes In [TMZ]

Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors — including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did.

The girls mother, Lynne, only added to the tension. "Lynne was already angry because her daughter didn't want her in the delivery room at all," says the source. "But she had insisted on being there, along with Casey Aldridge, Jamie Lynn's boyfriend. Jamie Lynn cussed and yelled at her mom, and told her to get out. She cursed Lynne for bringing her into the world to bear such pain."

Jamie Lynn's existential diss notwithstanding, might Britney have soured on the tabloid antics that come so naturally to her family? Nah — most likely, she was pained by the hospital scrubs required in the delivery room; once Britney was allowed to change back into purple Uggs, a muumuu, and a porkpie hat, she promptly whisked babydaddy Casey Aldridge away to "keep it in the family."

• Jamie Lynn Spears' Delivery Room Drama [Star Magazine]

Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)
OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)
In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)
Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)
Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Maddie already excels at pointe, tap, jazz, liturgical, and belly dance styles, and, even more impressively, has in her few short hours on the planet already completed the "Comfort For The Camera," "Selling Yourself," and "Just Us Kids!" classes at the Sid Mamane Lil' Stars Acting Studio in Pacoima. Congratulations to all, and if we could wish the family one thing, it's for a life far from the pole for their precious little one. (Oh, and that paparazzi helicopters don't ruin the Bapt'sm BBQ Hoedown later this month.)

• BREAKING NEWS: Jamie Lynn Spears Gives Birth [USmagazine.com]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

• LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

Facts of Life, 1979-88: The Eastland School
With character names like Tootie, Blair and Sue Ann, a token Poor But Smart Black Student from the Bronx, and plot lines involving housemothers dishing out advice to sex-crazed pre-teens and spoiled kids from New York, NBC’s spin-off of Diff’rent Strokes actually portrayed life at boarding school as close to reality as we’ve seen on television. Especially considering the long-running show’s depiction of various characters’ adult lives in the final season: one ends up in New York banging a guy named Snake, and another is banging a “musician” named Rick. If boarding school teaches girls one thing, it’s that pansy pop-collared preppy boys do not a proper sex life make.

Zoey 101, 2005-present: Pacific Coast Academy
Possibly the most off-the-mark vision of boarding school ever portrayed on TV, the Juno Lynn Spears-starring, California-set Nickelodeon “comedy” gets it wrong in oh so many ways, and allow us to count just a few samples: boarding school girls do not have trashy highlights, boarding school boys do not wear muscle tees, boarding school kids pop Adderall and fly cocaine in using their dad’s private jet rather than sipping “energy drinks” for adrenaline, and most importantly, boarding school is not “funny.”

Breaker High, 1998-99: Breaker High
Oh dear. Falling somewhere in between Facts and Zoey, this UPN bomb took place on, yes, a cruise ship. What sounds like one idiotic producer's idea to use this format in order to implement exotic locales and the darndest things foreigners say is simply, just...no. But! In one episode, all the classmates get Hepatitis-A. This sounds right — STDs and illnesses both expertly faked or intentionally caused in order to skip class and sleep off hangovers at the infirmary is pretty rampant at the real deals. Plus, Ryan Gosling was in it! As a “missing member of the brat pack” who conned bitchy girls! Far too many of these exist from Andover to Exeter and every country club campus in between.

[Photo credits: TV.com, Nick.com, Fortune City]

• 'GOSSIP GIRL' PRODUCERS EYE SPIN-OFF [THR]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)