Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

So far the only things that are really releasing trailers are the big budget comedies and action pictures. We threw in the trailer for A Single Man even though it opens this year and it's an indie movie because we wanted everyone to think we watch more than popcorn flicks. We also watch The Hills and lots of porn. But we'll put A Single Man on our Netflix queue, but we're not promising we watch it before sending it back so that we can get The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 for the third time instead.

Here are some new(ish) trailers for upcoming movies and our snap judgments.

Date Night
Starring: Tina Fey, Steve Carell, James Franco, Marky Mark
Reminds Us Of: 48 Hours, for some strange reason.
Plot Summary: A boring suburban couple go out for a big night in the city. They impersonate another couple and all hell breaks loose.
What Looks Good: Tina Fey and Steve Carell together at last and being hilarious.
What Looks Bad: This whole over-wrought, high-concept plot seems way too over-the-top for this duo.
Final Verdict: We'll see it, but we're going to complain that it wasn't as funny as one episode of 30 Rock.

Clash of the Titans
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Sam Worthington
Reminds Us Of: Clash of the Titans, take one.
Plot Summary: Greek gods, lots of fighting, special effects.
What Looks Good: Medusa, the giant scorpion things, the monster they ripped off from Pan's Labrynth, Sam Worthington.
What Looks Bad: Since there isn't even an iota of narrative, the story is probably going to suck. But that's not why you buy a ticket to this anyway.
Final Verdict: Our eyeballs are dancing and our brain has checked out. Sounds like a great Saturday night.

A Single Man
Starring: Colin Firth, Julianne Moore
Reminds Us Of: Mad Men, that other retro movie Julianne Moore got an Oscar nomination for, the perfume bottles on our grandmother's vanity.
Plot Summary: Based on this trailer, we have no clue. Something having to do with how sexing Julianne Moore leads Colin Firth to want to do it with young boys.
What Looks Good: Art direction, wardrobe, performances.
What Looks Bad: This trailer reeks of a movie that is 20 minutes too long.
Final Verdict: Yes, please. We go see everything Julianne Moore is in, even though she hasn't made a good movie in a long while. Also, Oscars.

Kick-Ass
Starring: Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Nicolas Cage
Reminds Us Of: Napolean Dynomite after karate class, Kevin Smith's wet dreams.
Plot Summary: A bunch of kids decide to put on costumes and become super heroes.
What Looks Good: The costumes are cute, and we bet there is going to be some great comedy.
What Looks Bad: Surprisingly this trailer does its job and makes this thing look really appealing. Good job.
Final Verdict: We're going to wait to read reviews before buying a ticket, but we're sold on the concept.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton
Reminds Us Of: Video games, that we need to go to the gym.
Plot Summary: There's a dagger that stops time and evil people want it, so a prince and his sexy lady have to go through the desert to get rid of it.
What Looks Good: The special effects, Jakey G. and his slutty princess.
What Looks Bad: The accents! The accents!
Final Verdict: This could either be Pirates of the Carribean good or The Mummy bad, both of which are pretty low bars.

In a pair of long, detailed emails, Christopher recounts how she came in to contact with Gyllenhaal and came to be the publisher of his volume of poems, Claptrap. Mostly it's just dry personal anecdotes, but there are a few interesting bits. Like the fact that Gyllenhaal freaked out when he finally realized just how famous his kids Jake and Maggie actually are:

About two that afternoon Stephen called again, but this time I was around to answer the phone. "I tried to reach you this morning," he told me mournfully. "Look, something's come up. We, uh, we've just had a family conclave" — I swear he used the word conclave — "and we've come to a decision. We want you to remove all your references everywhere to Jake and Maggie."
A stony silence on my part, then, "O-kay..."

He pressed on. "The thing is, you don't realize what it's like for us here. It's insane! The kids can't go anywhere without being mobbed. It's like nothing we've ever seen before. Our friends, Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman, tell us it's like nothing they've ever seen before."

"It's cell phone cameras," I said. "It's the internet."

"No, it's not that," countered Stephen. "People are insane. When you've got people in this administration who can start an illegal war and rob the country of billions of dollars, you can see that everyone's gone insane. You know, right after the Oscars these people would come up to me and say things like, ‘Well, you've got it made now. Just put Jake in a movie and you can have any deal you want.' But you know what?" he paused, then intoned darkly and intensely, "I would rather starve in the streets than take that money! That's not my money. That's my children's money, and their children's children after them." He sighed and seemed to calm down. "So, the family just took a vote. I think I said something about that…?"

"I think so."

"We made a decision never to be photographed together in public ever again. The kids have got to be protected, you know."

Well, I did know two things. I knew that the "kids" were 25 and 28 years old, and that Maggie at the moment was in New York, as there was a paparazzo picture in one of the gossip websites that morning of her walking through Soho. I wondered if she had faxed her vote.

Though, removing all references to the kids in the book may have been hard, considering one of the poems was about his Brokebacking son:

Michael took them into the kitchen to read and when he came out again he was very grave. "I told you before that Stephen's a good poet. He's not. He is a great poet. I haven't encountered a poet with his vision in thirty years, not since — "

"Sylvia Plath?" I offered. "Anne Sexton?"

"Yes, Anne Sexton. Exactly." Michael understood why I had brought up her name — one of Stephen's poems from the earlier batch was called "Having Anne Sexton for Dinner".

"So it's confessional poetry. That's going to be a hard sell," I said. "Confessional poetry makes people uncomfortable. I think we should concentrate on his political poems. It would be a lot easier."

"I don't care about that," said Michael. "Listen. I see what he's doing, he's trying to put it all together. His past, his present. Everything's personal with him. Forget that political nonsense. That's nothing. It's the family. With Stephen, it's always going to come back to the family." He handed me one of the pages. "Read this."

I went over and sat in the corner chair and read it. It was a poem entitled "At 25".

When I was finished, I gave it back to Michael. He asked me how I liked it. I told him, "It's sort of awful because it's like reading someone's private letter. But it gives me an eerie feeling, like looking into a time machine. And it is beautiful. And it is sort of — all there."

"Yeah," said Michael quietly.

At this point, dear reader, I think I'm going to have to share with you one of Stephen's poems so you don't think Michael and I are complete lunatics.

At 25

a man now stand you
on roots no one can claim
as good as you
(pure born god-son
look at you anywhere
across the globe).

At birth you were blue
I witnessed you suck
that first breath in and turn
as white as snow on top
of Everest. Pure. Pure.
Goodness and Mercy.

Jumble of words my only
clue to give to you
for your mountain view

to burn the libraries
and burn us too
(all that's come
before you.)

Your (my side) grandfather's
head handed him
on a silver Salome platter (he knew
more than he could hold on to)
and your great grandfather
stumbled and I shamble
and out of the phoenix ash
of my/your ancestral men you flew
out of the John Baptist ash
you flew beyond the pebbles
in the Jordan where we, the men
before you wash our sad, sad feet

but not for naught — the truth
when sung soothes far beyond
all gold.

I remember your grandfather
(not sober) singing, weeping
in my high gliding stone dead
gothic church —

"A voice of one, crying
in the wilderness, prepare ye
the way of the Lord."

I remember holding you, screaming
with good rage in a Sea Ranch night.
Taking you outside under the moon
and the giant pines — screaming, screaming.
Holding you. I didn't know what else to do.
Kicking. Screaming with good rage
till you slowly trembled yourself into rest.

Forgive us, Lord, we know
not what we do.

Good rage. Burn us to the ground.
Good rage. So little good seems
to have come of John the Baptist
and what followed. Your grandfather
loved John the Baptist. Wept and sung
his words and went too easily
into their good night
which I won't do.

All these words and others too
are here for you, may they be true.

I hope you agree that this is a beautiful poem. But you see, it's also about Jake Gyllenhaal, and this was always going to be part of our problem.

Ha, exactly. He'll always be famous kids' dad! Not all the heavy-handed comparisons to Anne Sexton in the world can change that. Oh, and, ha, incidentally: Cantara had a bit of a crush oh Stephen:

He was handsome, sandy-haired, tall — about an inch taller than Jake — wearing a tight white T-shirt that showed off his athletic build, and he was grinning a dreamy, boyish grin. How do I explain this? I was a little disappointed. From what I knew about Coppola and Spielberg and all those distant mysterious types called Hollywood directors, I'd held an image in my mind that Stephen, as well, was a short, dark, balding, bearded middle-aged man who wore a baseball cap backwards. When he and I talked on the phone, that's what I imagined he looked like, and it made me enjoy being a little in love with him.

Oh gods, where did the blood go bad??

If you're curious, the entirety of the missives can be read here.

We can't tell if this is some attempt at a wink-wink "Modest Proposal"-type deal, or just the rantings of a communist, but the Huffington Post apparently thinks that Stephen Gyllenhaal's poorly constructed thoughts, like Jim Carrey's views on vaccines, are worthy of our attention because he fathered two very pretty people (he's like a reverse Meghan McCain). Gyllenhaal wants Madoff freed. Why?

It's just not fair. He's a scapegoat, a distraction on the world's financial stage where the real sleight-of-hand-Ponzi-magic goes on unabated. Two trillion dollars — give me a break — you think this is the end of it? It's only the tip of the real looming Ponzi-scheme-iceberg which Bernie only mirrored on a tiny scale and that we're gonna sooner or later titanically hit.

Gyllenhaal describes himself as a poet. He is not! Here's some more metaphor mash-up craziness:

But nobody in Washington is prepared to point out the Emperor's nakedness because they're all pretty much in each other's pockets (not a pretty thought when you consider they're all naked as well) and appropriately terrified that once the imaginary silk and satin confidence game is shown up for what it is there'll be hell to pay and I suspect hell, being what it is, ain't gonna be taken in by no Ponzi scheme.

What? How can people be in one anothers' pockets? Would one person be in one pocket, which would then be inside another person's pocket? While they are naked! While we're at it—how do you titanically hit something?

Gyllenhaal's bio says he is "unqualified to write for this blog except that, as a citizen of the US —hell, as a citizen of the planet— he has as much right to speak his mind as the next person." Having a right is not the same thing as a qualification, Stephen!

Life & Style
Following her breakup with John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is prepared to do the unthinkable: Become a single mom. Though the mag is not sure whether she'll conceive naturally, use artificial insemination, or adopt, Aniston obviously has babies on the brain because her new $15 million six-bedroom mansion "has more than enough room for a nursery." Next: Justin Timberlake supposedly ran into Britney's dad Jaime Spears on the golf course and told him he's nervous to ask Jessica Biel to marry him even though she's the one. Jaime told him to "put a ring on her finger," and JT said he's already got one picked out, according to an insider. By the way, Jessica and Justin's new apartment has three bedrooms, which the mag points out is "plenty of room for kids!" Kellan Lutz of Twilight explains Robert Pattinson's "hookup trick": "He lowers his head down and the girls love it!"
Grade: F (Band aid in your burger.)





Ok!
"I Will Never Remarry." The mag writes that Jennifer Aniston has "experienced a stark epiphany: No man can live up to her ex-husband, Brad Pitt." A source says that since "each time she dreams of having a devoted husband, babies, and that white picket fence, she is let down," Jen has resigned herself to a life of love affairs and single motherhood. Also, there's a two page story about how Jen has "found her soulmate" in her dog Norman. Moving on: Jaime Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are still living together with their baby Maddie, but an insider says JLS has called off their wedding. "Jaime Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and a piece of paper," says the source. Also, she likes being a Southern mom and is never going back to Hollywood. Finally, in an interview OK! asks Gavin Rossdale if he and Gwen Stefani are planning to have another baby. "That would seem logical, but then again so would sleep!" says Rossdale, "But, you know the men aren't in control of that stuff."
Grade: D- (Expired hot dogs.)

Us
"He's The One!" This story is pretty much an excuse to print cute pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, as there isn't really anything new to report on the engagement front. A Witherspoon insider says, "All of Reese's friends tell her they think he's The One." As for when Jake will pop the question, a pal says, "It's not a matter of if, but when. And when Jake asks, she will definitely say yes." Moving on: An insider says Jennifer Aniston's breakup with John Mayer wasn't mutual. "She would never have paraded him around like that if she didn't think what they had was real. She feels like he played her," says a source. Us has exclusive pictures from Natasha Bedingfield's wedding. Brandy attended the wedding, which was at the same place where Josh Duhamel and Fergie got married (but unlike their wedding, Bedingfield's wasn't fishing themed). Next: Us broke the LeAnn Rimes cheating story last week, and their follow up, "Why She Cheated," just makes it sound even more like a publicity stunt. When LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet were "caught" kissing by the paparazzi they were coming out of Whole Foods and had only purchased a banana and a bottle of water. A source says Eddie Cibrian "told his wife that this was a publicity stunt for the Lifetime movie." Finally, Michelle Obama "takes top honors" (if you can call it that) as Us celebrates 2009's best makeovers with 24 pages of filler.
Grade: D (Dieter's delight, a.k.a. cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.)

In Touch
"The Breakup" Insiders say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are constantly fighting because she's filming Salt and he's stuck taking care of the kids. "Brad gets tortured by the kids all day. They wrestle him and kick him and constantly harass him," says a source." Supposedly Salt insiders heard her saying during a phone call, "Will you please respect the fact that I am working right now? All you have to do today is watch the kids." Things are so bad Angie has banished Brad to the couch in their four bedroom suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. James Haven is staying with the family in New York and Angie has asked her brother to talk some sense into Brad. The mag dug up pictures of Angie looking uncomfortable with Brad for the requisite "maybe she's more into her brother than her husband" sidebar. (Fig. 1) In Touch asks: Has Tori Spelling taken her diet too far? Spelling's rep says she's the same size she was before giving birth, but the mag thinks her young, super-skinny 90210 co-stars "could be a bad influence." Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt says he wants to have a baby with her. "Paris would make a great mom - she's my Angel Princess," says Reinhardt. Nick Lachey and Vanessa innillo had a fight at a L.A. restaurant. Manillo stormed out right after their food was served and Lachey paid the check and had takeout boxes made up before he caught up with her outside. In Touch says plastic surgery has left Daryl Hannah "almost recognizable." Next: The mag is calling out LeAnn Rimes for probably fabricating her affair with co-star Eddie Cibrian. "It's fishy how very obvious she was about this," and insider says. In addition to the TV movie Northern Lights, Rimes has a new song and book coming out next month. "She wants to get back on the A list," says the insider. In an interview, the mag asks Matthew McConaughey if he has any regrets about past relationships now that he's married. He says, "You wouldn't be where you are if you didn't go through all the other things. It's an honor to be at an ex-girlfriend's wedding or to have them over to dinner. There's nothing goofy about that."
Grade: D+ (Week old Red Lobster doggie bag.)

Star
In a continuation of a story Star ran recently about Angelina Jolie catching Brad Pitt comforting their pretty nanny, "Don't Touch Me!" claims Angie's still mad so she's refusing to sleep with Brad. " A source says, "she knows it's torture for Brad, denying him that way. But she wants him to learn a lesson." She refuses to take a daily bath with Brad, which is apparently one of their "sexy traditions" and has banned him out of her bedroom. At least in Star's account, Brad gets his own room at the Waldorf-Astoria, instead of the couch. However, the mag says he's taken to "camping out with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms" at the hotel. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were spotted making out at a hotel in Hollywood. An eyewitness claims he walked in on them making out behind some curtains on a terrace off the hotel bar. "When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves," he said. The hotel was hosting a party, and the eyewitness says once the room got crowded, Sean and Natalie took an elevator up to the private rooms and didn't come back for 45 minutes. After returning to the party, the two split up. "[Natalie] broke it off when she found out that Sean was still with his wife, Robin Wright Penn," says a source. Sean started flirting with another woman, who said "I don't do that! Your girl's upstairs, and your wife is at home. You're busy." The eyewitness says Sean chuckled and left. Moving on: Guy Ritchie is dating Elle Macpherson. A source says Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are planning a June wedding. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet's apartment smells less than fresh? Neighbors say funny-smelling smoke surrounds her door on her days off. How's that for a bit of gossip?" In a possibly related story, Leighton Meester has asked everyone on her floor in her apartment building not to smoke because the smell comes under her door and she gets a sore throat if she's exposed. In "Starving For Attention" Star is hating on ladies for being too skinny. They suggest Gwyneth Paltrow eat a "big ol' piece of chocolate cake." (Fig. 2) A doctor who didn't treat Natasha Richardson says she probably could have been saved if she had taken her instructor's advice and let paramedics look at her head immediately. "The typical mortality rate from epidural hematoma is relatively low ... It needs to be taken care of right away," said Dr. John Knightly of the Concussion Center at Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J. The mags all featured pictures of Richardson's grieving family at her funeral, but frankly, we couldn't handle pouring over pictures of her coffin being carried to her grave. In an exclusive, Star wonders why Jaime Lynn Spears and baby Maddie didn't accompany Casey Aldridge to Roosters Mud Jam, "a dirt-caked ATV event in Dehli, La." He and his friends were drinking heavily and there are photos of a blonde holding on to him as he drives his ATV into a muddy river. The woman, Brandin Walker, 25, is a married mother who says she was just innocently hanging out with Casey, and that her husband was at the event. Finally, in a story entitled "Jennifer is Jaime's Taco Belle" we learn that Jaime Kennedy "adores plumping [Jennifer Love Hewitt] up with yummy, calorie-packed eats!" Watch out JLH - it sound like Jaime is planning on eating you!

Grade: C (Soggy tortillas.)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Jim Carrey will play the Devil who tempts die-hard Washington Senators fan Joe Boyd, who's sick of watching the Yankees win all the damn time, to sell him his soul in exchange for a victorious season. Carrey in that role makes sense. But Boyd, who magically becomes slugger Joe Hardy and helps the Senators win, will oddly, and sort of annoyingly, be played by noted rap video star Jake Gyllenhaal. His hip-hop career aside, Gyllenhaal's biggest brush with the musical was his disastrous (on purpose, I guess) "And I Am Telling You" warble when he hosted Saturday Night Live a while back. There's been nothing announced about the musical's most important part, the sexy vamp Lola (she gets what she wants) that the Devil uses to tempt Joe. May we suggest not Anne Hathaway. [Variety]

Will Ferrell and the always-hilarious Mark Wahlberg have been cast in The B Team, an action comedy directed by longtime Ferrell collaborator Adam McKay. The producers are working hard to nail down that title, as an adaptation of 80's wacka-wacka fest The A-Team is already in the works. [Variety]

In his continued efforts to one day assemble the world's absolute sexiest film cast, which could make the universe wink out of existence like a hard-bodied Large Hadron Collider, Woody Allen has nabbed Antonio Banderas to be in his next film, which already stars Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Slumdog Millionaire beauty Freida Pinto, and, um, Sir Anthony Hopkins. The film shoots in London and, every night, in the little smut movie house in Allen's head. [Variety]

The sometimes likable, other times irksome Seth Green has been cast in Robert Zemeckis' latest weirdo performance-capture movie, called Mars Needs Moms. He joins his Austin Powers mother Mindy Sterling, as well as Joan Cusack and Dan Fogler, the dude from Balls of Fury (and from the musical 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, for which he won a Tony). [THR]

In TV, Brittany Snow has been cast as a young Lily van der Woodsen in that new Gossip Girl spin-off. Funny, we thought Snow's movie career was burgeoning. Also in television: Respectable actors Denis O'Hare and David Morse have been cast in TV pilots, and Jessica Capshaw now has a gig as a lesbian love interest on Grey's Anatomy. [EW, THR, EW]

The music video they appear in is the Hype Williams-directed "Blame It" by Jamie Foxx, who is now firmly at the "Waiting for Tonight" phase of his Jennifer Lopez-emulating career (and now you know why he was so determined to appear on In Living Color). Sure, we can understand the cameos from Forest Whitaker, Samuel L. Jackson, and even the dapper Gyllenhaal. But Ron Howard, raising a glass of champers amidst video hos? Somewhere at Imagine, a jealous Brian Grazer is frantically dialing Lil' Wayne while assuring Howard, "No, it's OK. I got next." The clip is below.

• Jamie Foxx (Feat. T-Pain) - Blame It [World Star Hip-Hop]

Naturally, frustrations over fulfilling one's insomnia-curing civic responsibility will occur, and absorbing the brunt of them in this instance—quite literally—was one annoyingly high-pitched TMZ paparazzo, whose persistent questions of "Jake! Jake! What's it feel like to do the thing you're doing right now? Jake! It's $15 a day! That's hilarious because it's much less than you usually make. Jake? Any comments for the TMZ audience, Jake?" received a swift and painful kick to the leg in return. [TMZ]

• Jake Gyllenhaal as 'The Prince of Persia': 'I've Gotten Buff' [ET]

Just in time for Halloween, the same digital artiste who conceived the original has sent us his rendering of our proposed dream cast in the breakfast mascot roles they were clearly born to play. Seriously—we don't mean to toot our own horns here, but Jake channels his delicious inspiration right down to those half-cocked eyebrows, wonky smirk, and sleepy boo eyes. What are you waiting for, Hollywood. Poor some milk on this sucker and make some magic happen!

• Previously: Javier Bardem's Next Role To Turn Your Milk Chocolatey [Defamer]

Boomp3.com

After a lunch date with a good friend, Four Christmases star Reese Witherspoon went in for a kiss since she felt the meal went well. However, Witherspoon’s companion gracefully glided Witherspoon to her cheek. The companion said, “Lunch dates get the cheek. Now, take me to Katsuya and maybe I’ll reconsider the lips.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

WSJ: What effect did the success of "Brokeback Mountain" have on your writing life, if any?

Ms. Proulx: "Brokeback Mountain" has had little effect on my writing life, but is the source of constant irritation in my private life. There are countless people out there who think the story is open range to explore their fantasies and to correct what they see as an unbearably disappointing story. They constantly send ghastly manuscripts and pornish rewrites of the story to me, expecting me to reply with praise and applause for "fixing" the story. They certainly don't get the message that if you can't fix it you've got to stand it. Most of these "fix-it" tales have the character Ennis finding a husky boyfriend and living happily ever after, or discovering the character Jack is not really dead after all, or having the two men's children meet and marry, etc., etc. Nearly all of these remedial writers are men, and most of them begin, "I'm not gay but…." They do not understand the original story, they know nothing of copyright infringement—i.e., that the characters Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar are my intellectual property—and, beneath every mangled rewrite is the unspoken assumption that because they are men they can write this story better than a woman can. They have not a clue that the original "Brokeback Mountain" was part of a collection of stories about Wyoming exploring mores and myths. The general impression I get is that they are bouncing off the film, not the story. There's more, but that is enough, ok?

OK! We can see Proulx's point; after all, it somewhat dilutes the gist of the original story if a sequel just happens to involve Ennis Del Mar meeting the slain Jack Twist's identical twin (coincidentally, also gay!). When will the internet accept that Proulx's simple, elegant tale simply can't be done justice by a poorly written Livejournal follow-up? Instead, it needs a wildly ambitious, UFO-set pas a deux that takes the cowboys to an alien world where homosexuality is the norm and instead of farming sheep, you farm gleepdorps. Annie, rights are still available!

• Return to the Range [WSJ]

Is it simply that studios are too terrified to give a woman first billing over a male star, lest people then think the film to be a chick flick? After all, Vaughn's last hit was The Break-Up, the rare romantic comedy with strong male appeal, something that marketing folks might have felt was in jeopardy had costar Jennifer Aniston been first-billed. Four Christmases isn't a romcom but a flat-out comedy, but would it be perceived as the former if Vaughn was subservient to Witherspoon in the billing block?

Yes, when compared to Witherspoon, the presence of Vaughn in this film makes us more likely to see it (though still? not very likely), simply because the actor has a track record of enlivening even the most formulaic films with his improvised comic riffs. Still, we wonder just how B- and C-list you'd have to go to find a male costar whom the studio would allow Witherspoon to supplant. In an alternate Four Christmases, could the actress vault over Colin Farrell to claim first billing? Or will she have to settle for a part opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. to claim what, by rights, should be hers?

Boomp3.com

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back?

Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What?

J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home?

(Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds)

R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger.

(Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.)

J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot.

R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too.

J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom?

R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though.

J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is.

R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed.

J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all.

R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay?

Photo Credit: Flynet

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Buffy The Vampire Slayer star Michelle Trachtenberg showed off her recent purchase from Malibu's most trendiest new boutique, "Un Jake Pour Vous." The high end boutique's mission is to help women turn their current boyfriend into their own personal Jake Gyllenhaal. Storeowner Maggie Fenech felt that creating a store to help women in making over their man was long overdue. Fenech said, "When I was trying to change my boyfriend's wardrobe after a year of being together, I was running all over the place. Sure, I could've gone online to pick up everything, but you need to touch and feel the fabrics. So, here we are with a store full of Gyllenhaal approved threads and facial hair growth kits."

Trachtenberg believes that her Gyllenhaal inspired look isn't too close to the current Gyllenhaal look. Trachtenberg said, "My Jakey has a bit of an indie rock vibe to him. You know, he could be in Vampire Weekend or a cooler band. I also picked up a shirt for myself."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Jake Gyllenhaal channels his inner brute and shows off his newly buff body on the set of his latest movie, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, in Morocco, North Africa on Monday morning.

The 27-year-old actor, who has an entire mane of hair now, held hands with his actress girlfriend Reese Witherspoon. The couple spent the the weekend at the exclusive luxury Moroccan hotel Amanjena. Gyllenspoon grabbed lunch on Saturday at a Moroccan restaurant followed by a tour of the local sights.

Though he's no stranger to delayed films, all this schedule shuffling must be wearing on Gyllenhaal. Can't he just lay down a few takes and move on to his Namath-playing dreams before the next decade? Who's Donnie Darko gotta screw around here to get a same-year wrap-and-release?

• Jake Gyllenhaal is the Shirtless Prince of Persia [Just Jared]

Buzz Cuts Gone Good:
Though they both donned powder-dusted ponytails together in Interview With The Vampire, both Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's best look to date is the crop cut. Think Cruise in all the MI films as opposed to his Village People allusion in Magnolia, or Brad in all the Ocean's movies vs. that caveman look we never even got to see on the big screen for The Fountain. And for all his demerits, from daring to put down Madonna to failing to ever make us laugh, Justin Timberlake's sole redeeming attribute is his near-perfection of the style.

Buzz Cuts Gone Bad:
We happen to be among the few remaining females still ignoring all those silly gay rumors and clinging to Jake Gyllenhaal's heterosexual plausibility. But every crush reaches a standstill at some point, and re: Jake, that point was officially reached courtesy of Jarhead, which required The Jake to feign military obedience and cut it all off. Despite a yearning to see as much of Jake's skin as possible, we didn't appreciate said skin being exposed so plentifully on his scalp. And anyone besides us feverishly following the depressingly rapid decrease in blooming hair on Jude Law's curiously peaked head knows a buzz cut hasn't resulted in the best aesthetic for the rock heiress-snogging star. Finally, we know she's not technically a male celebrity, but no one proved just how wrong a buzz can look than Britney Spears and her infamous self-shearing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Celebrity Details, Beauty And The Bath, Dark Horizons, All Things D and Dyli.org]

• STYLE IT LIKE BECKHAM: ROCKER JOHN MAYER COPIES DAVID'S LOOK [Daily Mail]
• JOSH BROLIN: I'M 'IN A BAD PREDICAMENT RIGHT NOW' [HuffPo]