Even after our third disturbing screening of the "professional clown" doing his act, we still can't figure out which cocktail of drugs to be scared of. His nostril tells us it's nose candy, the nonsensical musings on the Big Picture tell us it's medical marijuana, but the constant laughing at his own jokes tells us it's too many swigs of Grandpa's lemonade. Perhaps our mother was right and we should fear all three?

• SIMPLY TEACHING BIG REGG HOW TO JUGGLE... [YouTube]
• STEVE-O VIDEO: 'WHO CARES WHEN YOU DIE?' [Us]

· The DGA announces that it's only going to wait until the new year to begin its own negotiations with the AMPTP, a decision sure to thrill a Writers Guild fearful that directors are going to swoop in a cut a deal that undermines their own attempts at barganing. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, the WGA has announced the TV and radio nominees for their yearly awards ceremony, with HBO leading all struck networks in the nods race. [THR]
· The list of contenders for the Best Song Oscar been trimmed down to a mere 59 choices, with Eddie Vedder, Marshall Crenshaw and Sondre Lerche making the not-so-short list. [Variety]

Draped sensitively over the makeshift Dr. Pepper pipe he used only moments before, we think it's safe to say that the Ralph Lauren company can expect a steep uptick in sales of their fetching Polo boxer shorts after the Xtreme stunt idiot's manplums wind their way 'round the internet.

• Steve-O = Comic Genius [SplashNewsOnline]

Reality television's Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, uncle of "Viva La Bam" star Bam Margera, was ordered Thursday to stand trial on felony charges that he groped three girls at an MTV promotional appearance.

During a preliminary hearing, prosecutors presented evidence including statements from the girls and photos from their camera phones that Margera, 50, fondled the two 12-year-old girls and the 14-year-old girl, the district attorney's office said in a statement.

Margera was charged with three counts of sexual assault on a child and, if convicted, could face anywhere from probation to six years in prison. He could enter a plea when he is arraigned March 5.

With the mechanized churn of a silk-screening press running off a fresh batch of "FREE VITO" T-shirts humming somewhere in the distance, we thought we'd take this moment to pay YouTube homage to the fallen reality star: This montage features the very best of the gentle, toilet-mouthed giant. No court-ordered punishment for lewd acts committed on minors could come close to the humiliating abuses he experienced at the hands of his tyrant nephew.

• 'Don Vito' Margera Hit With Sex Charge [ABCNews/AP]

Jackass Steve-O walking alone down Sunset Blvd. near Fairfax, openly hitting on a nitrous-oxide delivery device. The device has a little canister of NO2 attached to a larger can attached to a breathing tube. Steve-O was flecked with some kind of paint all over and laughing like an effeminate hyena between nitrous hits. Naturally, nobody on the street so much as batted an eye. I looked around for cameras but didn't see any. If he wasn't shooting for the show, I admire his commitment to being an off-screen jackass.

As you may recall, nitrous oxide is the very same brain-melting delicacy Steve-O claimed to have fed Paris Hilton before she crashed her Bentley outside club Element. We challenge any and all operatives near the area to capture and send photographic evidence of the cackling girlie-dingo currently stumbling down the boulevard.

• Previously: Steve-O Admits To Pumping Paris Full Of Happy Gas Before Crash [Defamer]

We somehow missed this when they originally posted it yesterday (we blame Yom Kippur for no good reason at all), but TMZ.com shared this photo of a theater in Orange City, Iowa, where—irony alert!—locals raised more of a stink about the ass-bearing title of Jackass Number Two decorating the marquee than about the movie's ass-baring content, and whose new, ostensibly sanitized title—double irony alert!!—is far more offensive than the original. If nothing else, the Holland Plaza Theater's Jackbutt Two brainstorm has taken the creative challenge out of what the inevitable gay porn version will be named, and which will detail the erotic, CBT adventures of stars Johnny Coxxville and Bottom Margera.

• Now in Theaters ... "JackBUTT Number Two" [TMZ.com]

The Best Week Ever blog has video of Steve-O's Jackass Number Two premiere red carpet wee-wee-trickling misadventures. (Those hoping for a glimpse of the Pecker-O will be disappointed to find a dancing BWE logo obfuscating the oft-punished goodies, but you can always go back to our original photo post for an unobstructed view.) Co-star/walking Budweiser billboard Johnny Knoxville seems completely over the proceedings, saying, "You're on your own, kid," with a thought bubble magically appearing above him a moment later reading, "I shoulda ditched these retards for the Wilson brothers a long time ago."

• ICYMI: Some Wasted Jackass Holding His Unremarkably-Sized Penis, From Which Urine Sporadically Drips, While Being Filmed On the Red Carpet of His Movie Premiere [BestWeekEver.tv]
• Previously: Steve-O Irrigates The Red Carpet [Defamer]

1. Jackass Number Two—$28.106 million
From the moment that the first drops of Steve-O's magic urine stream soggily consecrated the red carpet [link NSFW] at the Jackass Number Two premiere Thursday night, the movie seemed blessed, with a big opening weekend all but an inevitability. We expect that superstitious executives at Paramount will now form a causal link between a healthy premiere and the ritualistic elimination of bodily waste, and are already reaching out to Clint Eastwood's people to see if the revered director wouldn't mind ceremonially defecating as he enters the Flags of Our Fathers premiere next month, hoping a healthy bowel movement might boost both the film's box office take and its Oscar prospects.

2. Jet Li's Fearless—$10.564 million
Some recent stories erroneously reported that martial arts superstar Jet Li planned on retiring after Fearless, but as it turns out, he's merely giving up kung fu films, not his entire acting life. Li hopes that his his post-kung-fu acting career will parallel that of idol Bruce Lee, who effortlessly transitioned from martial arts to two decades of frothy romantic comedies once he tired of the physical rigors of the genre he helped define.

3. Gridiron Gang—$9.7 million
Perhaps having gotten all the tough love it needed last weekend, moviegoers didn't seem to be nearly as interested in a value-affirming bear-hug from America's second-cuddliest wrestler-turned-actor (clearly, Hulk "Mr. Nanny" Hogan holds that title), especially when they could opt for two hours of the Jackass boys stapling their scrotums to a variety of stationary objects, the ultimate cinematic expression of self-worth.

4. Flyboys—$6.012 million
Billionaire heir David Ellison might have invested himself into a role in Flyboys, but maybe the film's producers should have earmarked a couple of the millions he contributed to the production budget for buying enough tickets to guarantee a decent opening.

7. All the King's Men—$3.8 million
When it was first announced, we thought that Sony's unconventional strategy of delaying All the King's Men from 2005 to 2006 so that it could quickly disappear in an even-numbered year would never work, but we stand corrected. They obviously knew what they were doing all along

• September 22-24, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

· "There is a point, however, at which the movie becomes simply sickening...[F]eats of grossness are accomplished that are so vile even the hardiest among the cast cannot suppress the upchuck." [Seattle P-I]
· "Projectile vomiting figures prominently during other episodes, and the camera never turns away...Indeed, it remains firmly affixed on the effluence, as auds are left to ponder various meanings of the term 'gag.'" [Variety]
· "These eight or so merrymakers join Knoxville in stunts designed not only to break teeth, bones and the human spirit but also to activate gag reflexes—cameramen are seen vomiting, as are sound guys and, with surprising frequency, the stars themselves. I myself experienced dangerous nausea levels for three or four hours after the movie ended. Seriously." [Chicago Tribune]

· "Steve-O is by far the craziest and is able to get most of his crew to vomit after each antic he performs. Much of it is too disgusting to repeat in mixed company, but know there are several scenes that will cause even the most iron-stomached person to gag." [Arizona Republic]
· "These clowns are so good at what they do (or is it that they're so wonderfully inept?) that their film is often drop-jaw funny. But be forewarned, when you're not laughing out loud you could well be trying hard not to lose your lunch." [Atlanta J-C]
· "Whether you laugh, shriek or fight the urge to puke reveals as much about you as years of psychotherapy. [Star Tribune]
· [Y]ou'll probably spend as much time wincing as you do laughing your ass off....You'll laugh 'til you puke, if you don't puke first." [Film Threat]
· "[A] sequel that's even wilder, funnier, extra-depraved and more gag-inducing than the seemingly incomparable 'Jackass the Movie.'" [THR]

At last night's premiere at the Chinese Theater, Jackass Number Two star Steve-O, subtle master of physical comedy, sensed that having a baby alligator chew his scrotum or allowing one of his co-stars to attack his genitals with a jackhammer would be too showy a display of the playful irreverence that is the troupe's trademark, even on such a special occasion. Instead, he opted for the simple, elegant act of urinating on the red carpet, much to the delight of the throng of fans, wire service photographers, and tourists transfixed by every drop of his golden stream.

Gawker notes that the photos were too hot for Reuters, but the folks at Getty Images seem a little less prudish about Steve-O's performance art. A completely NSFW version of the photo is after the jump. You've been warned.

[Photo: Getty Images]

The Smoking Gun has obtained the mugshot of corpulent-uncle-to- the-Jackass-stars Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, which we've reproduced here for your nightmare-eliciting convenience. While sitting for his booking photograph, Don Vito keeps one eye firmly trained on the door at all times, steadfastly maintaining complete innocence of having fondled two teenage girls at a Colorado autograph signing. His famous nephew, Bam Margera, stands by him—eventually—saying in a recent interview with Skateboarding.com that it was a "bad move" on his uncle's part, having merely "tapped a boob during a photo," but then quickly downgrading it to "no tappage happening" after an unidentified male voice's off-camera protests managed to convince the moron nephew that he wasn't doing his uncle any favors with his potentially incriminating version of events.

• TSG Mug Shot: Don Vito [TSG]
• WORLD EXCLUSIVE BAM VIDEO INTERVIEW [Skateboarding.com]

Both counts are class-four felonies; a spokesperson for the Jefferson County District Attorney's office said the charges don't necessarily carry a mandatory prison term, but if convicted, Margera could face two years in prison and/or probation that could last from a mandatory 10 years up to lifetime supervision. [...]

He is accused of inappropriately fondling or groping two girls, ages 12 and 14, during two separate incidents at a signing event at Woodward Skatepark at Colorado Mills mall Friday night...He was held in jail without bond until Monday, when he posted $50,000 bond and was released.

While the allegations are serious, the events are already being written into the loosely interactive plot for Tony Hawk's Underground 3 Remix, where in addition to exploring a 3D skateboard environment as Bam, players can now choose an incredibly lifelike Don Vito avatar, spending hours perfecting such new added tricks as Fondlings, Tailgrabs, and 360° Reacharounds as they skate through an American Girl Place store in an expansive mall level.

• Bam Margera's Uncle Don Vito Formally Charged With Child Sexual Assault [MTV News]

Tremaine: I had nothing to do with that billboard. In fact, I was probably just as surprised as anybody to see that stupid thing... Johnny and the executive producers had some disposable cash apparently, and they thought it would be funny.

...They made sure I saw it. We did a bit a long time ago called "The Convict" where Knoxville was dressed like a convict in a hardware store trying to saw his handcuffs off. The bit was never allowed to be seen, because we didn't do things by legal standards. So the producers told me that we were gonna go down and talk to the West Hollywood Police Department because they were considering letting us use that footage. It was all just a setup to get me down there to see that f—-ing billboard.

MTV: How did people react to the billboard?

Tremaine: I've heard from friends who think it's just hilarious. They all love my tribal work tattoo and the nipple ring I'm sporting.

The self-initiated scheme was so successful in drumming up early buzz for the film that Paramount would be crazy to abandon the gay cruise campaign prematurely. Their marketing group shouldn't give up until every possible Photoshopped combination of Steve-O, Bam, Knoxville, and the gang tangled in compromising scenarios looms above intersections in West Hollywood, where their scrotum-durability testing as entertainment can be best appreciated.

• 'Jackass' Director Says 'Number 2' Is Even Filthier [MTV.com]

• What Kind of 'Jackass' Advertises Like This? [Collider]
• Rainbow Cruise Lines
• Great Moments In Movie Marketing History: Going Down on Paul Walker's Wife [Defamer]

Last night, MTV trotted out the Jackass crew for a party celebrating the release of the new Jackass Box Set at Circus nightclub in Hollywood. While MTV staged an amazing looking party, they forgot one thing...TO SEND INVITATIONS! I don't know why MTV chose to have a party in the cavernous Circus, home to a Gay Latin Night as well as rave mecca, Spundae. Well, whatever reason there was behind that choice, it will certainly come back to haunt the party planner that the event was EMPTY. I mean, not kinda loose around the edges...but barely half full. The club is already huge and sports an amazingly large outside patio but there was still no one! Not even Mr. Nicole Richie (aka DJ AM) could get more than a few of the miserable attendees to even pretend like they enjoyed it.

All of the regulars were in attendance: Steve-O, Wee-Man, and alleged Jessica Simpson-playmate Johnny Knoxville, as well as the rest of the crew. Also dropping in for the shenanigans were former governor hopeful Mary Carey, Beavis and Butthead creator, Mike Judge, as well as Survivor castoff Johnny Fairplay and Next Top Model's Michelle who enjoyed not one, but two digs in a row by the Fug girls yesterday.

Food ranged from chicken drumsticks in BBQ sauce to about 5 different kinds of tortilla chips and 3 different kinds of salsa. Also in the seemingly random assortment of food were meatballs, mini pizzas, and nachos. The food was actually quite decent for an MTV event and as far as the only food that matters goes (that being, desert), whatever straggling partygoers were still around munched on chocolate dipped goodies like rice krispie treats and fruit.

We're suddenly having flashbacks to Inside TV's infamous Deadest Party That Ever Was, which now seems like a star-studded orgy by comparison. How bad do things have to get before event staffers throw open the doors and start herding in any Santa Monica Boulevard tranny who'll agree to pretend he-she's a Hilton sister, just to fill the place up a little?

• Previously: Defamer Premiere Report: “Brokeback Mountain” Unholstered In Westwood [Defamer]