Unlike with Sarah Palin's emails, there's not really a public-spirited reason to post the screenshots the hackers took, except, of course, pure voyeurism. The detail-by-detail, appointment-by-appointment depiction of the lifestyle of a rich and famous actress is all engrossing stuff for the masses (and for us). And yet it feels oddly unsatisfying — the same drip, drip, drip of minutiae that the Internet famous overshare on blogs and Twitter.

Screenshots of the shayek@mac.com email account, released by habitués of the online bulletin board 4chan, appear to be authentic. Breaking into the account was a simple matter of knowing Hayek's birthday — September 2 — and guessing at her security word (they claim it was the name of her best known movie role) to reset the account's password. Public-records searches show that the 323-area-code phone number Hayek listed in a sent email belongs to the actress. A spokeswoman for Hayek has not returned a call requesting comment.

The glimpses into Hayek's life revealed by her inbox are fascinating, even if mundane: The stranger-suckling actress has been invited to America Ferreira's 25th birthday party. She downloads a bunch of iPhone applications from the iTunes App Store — and she gets spam from Apple, just like the rest of us. As for the perks of being famous, a driver was scheduled to meet her flight arriving in Abu Dhabi. American Express has given her a new Gold card. (What, she doesn't rate the exclusive black Centurion Card?) Balenciaga and Stella McCartney deliver designer clothes to her apartment. She schedules "Japanese face massages." And she gets scans of stories about her in the celebrity weeklies.

Namely, the McFlurry references felt organic, as 30 Rock has a habit of tying that sort of jokey, downmarket fast food to its most glamorous guest stars (witness Isabella Rossellini declaring her lifelong love for the Arby's "Big Beef and Cheddar" way back in Season One). No, it's the constant, prominent placement of the iPhone in the last two episodes that's really caught our eye. Every character seems to own one, make calls on one, and constantly show off pictures on one (in lengthy close-ups, no less)—even Jack Donaghy, who we totally figured for a Blackberry Storm man.

Here's a mere sampling of the iPhone's screen time over the last two weeks. And yes, we took these pictures off our TV using the iPhone. Can we have our money now?

• 30 Rock [NBC]

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Mac Guy Justin Long took a moment out of his undoubtedly busy schedule to chat up with a couple of Mac fanatics over the weekend. The friendly females gushed over Long's performance in Waiting before launching in a diatribe against the iPhone 3G and all of its problems. Long told the ladies that he had no control over that and admitted that he was having problems as well. Looking to change the topic, Long ran his fingers through his hair, which accidentally created a trigger effect with his female fans. Thinking he may have stumbled onto a Pied Pieper like ability, Long then ran his fingers through his mane one more time to see if the women would once again follow suit. He was crushed to learn that it was a one-time only occurence.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Mirrors star Kiefer Sutherland and gal pal Siobhan Bonnouvrier attempted to flex their star power muscle at a New York area Apple Store over the weekend. After talking with the store's manager for quite a lengthy time, Sutherland was unable to get his hand on the soon to be release iPhone 3G. Bonnouvrier asked the manager if he knew whom they were dealing and if he's been enjoying all the freedom that Jack Bauer has provided over the last seven years. The manager replied, "I'd gladly give a phone to one of The Lost Boys, but we don't have any yet. My hands are tied on this one." Sutherland asked if he could use the excuse that it's a matter of national security to get the phone, but the manager shrugged his shoulders and said that he could sell them one of the first generation phones and that was about it. Sutherland and his girlfriend left the store while stating that it wasn't over between them yet and that the next time will be personal.

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

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Zyzzyx Rd. star Katherine Heigl taunted husband/rocker Joshua Kelley about his first generation iPhone after Kelley complained about the slowness of the dreaded Edge network. Kelley had just taken a photo of a cool dog that he really wanted to post on his Flickr account, but it was taking too long. Instead, Kelley settled for updating his Twitter page. Heigl laughed and said, "Sucks to be an early adopter!" Kelley stopped and nearly began to pout before Heigl interceded and said, "Maybe for your birthday next year, you'll get an iPhone. Now, let's not pout because you already used the 'Josh Gets To Do Whatevs!' card when you left the house wearing cargo shorts. Okay, champ?"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Steven Spielberg, meanwhile, dislikes putting TV and films on laptops, fearing that viewers will get used to actually watching things when they want to. Lynch and Spielberg's sentiments seem noble, but so did United Artists co-founder Mary Pickford's famous declaration, "Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo."

We've entered the mall, just steps away from technological bliss and peer envy. We hold our golden tickets close to our bodies, fearful of falling asleep and being robbed.

Oddly, what guarantees ownership of the insanely desired and highly advanced apparatus is a beverly center buckslip written in chinese. Fascinating. Perhaps the secret language of the binary world.

We've even been visited by the wonderful people from Chipotle. They are offering one free burrito upon presenting your iphone receipt. 12 hours of waiting and a $600 phone and you too can burry your face in a free burrito. Nothing like a bargain burrito. Thank you Chipotle.

The Apple store has officially closed. They've taped up their windows and began cheering wildly inside. I imagine that when they open their doors I'll be entering one of the pages from "Where the Wild Things Are."

It's all so secretive. I wonder if they will encourage us to do keg stands and beer bongs in order to become one of them.

iHaze me Apple people. I just want to belong.

x

By the time you read this, CAA's assistants will already be counterfeiting and attempting to establish a black market for those coveted, Chinese-encoded "golden tickets," hoping to capitalize on the gullibility of others. But be forewarned: There's a strictly enforced two iPhone per-person limit, no matter what the fast-talking guy gnawing on a baby leg tries to tell you about the bulk discount he's exclusively offering you.

• Previously: iPhone To Force Hollywood Trendwhores To Adopt Two-Phone System [Defamer]

So what's a trend-addicted, style-focused bizzer to do? Carry two devices.

"I'll make my booty calls with the iPhone and get reamed in the ass by my boss on my Blackberry," cracked one senior studio exec.

In addition to the many hilarious complications that may arise when the simultaneous buzzing of both phones causes an exec or agent to mix up his booty-calling and ass-reaming devices, accidentally blurring the line between recreational and professional sodomy, carrying an extra device will give quick-triggered bosses a second projectile to fire at an incompetent underling. If a poorly aimed Blackberry crashes harmlessly off the wall, the more aerodynamically designed iPhone will certainly find its target, and its beautiful, scratch-resistant screen is a cinch to wipe clean of an assistant's blood, making it the perfect weapon for the rage-prone man-on-the-go.

• iPhone gets busy signal [Variety]
• Previously: Report: CAA Sends Evil Minions To Camp Out At Century City Apple Store [Defamer]

While we know we hardly need to remind our readers of the unspeakable acts of which the Creative Artist minions are capable, we still feel it's our responsibility to warn any rival agency or studio underlings pressed into line-waiting duty not, under any circumstances, to drift off into sleep in that queue. The moment the eyes of the weary gently shut, they'll be beset by the CAA drones, losing not only their place in line to reinforcements that seem to materialize from the crisp night air, but any internal organs that can be removed with nothing more than plastic utensils from the food court, a grisly tribute that will be delivered to their masters along with their gleaming new phones.

*UPDATE: An operative dispatched to the scene reports that as of around 10 pm Thursday night, there was still no line at Century City. We'll have to assume that the invasion begins Friday morning. Be ready. Those organ extractions are going to be especially terrifying in broad daylight.

• Previously: Hollywood Predictably Horny For The iPhone [Defamer]

It's been a true turnabout for West Coast producers, directors, agents and managers. "Usually it's us getting the clients free swag, like free Helios and Sidekicks," said one assistant at talent agency Endeavor. "But now it's the other way around. I heard from one friend of mine at a studio that a senior production executive was using his relationship with a high-profile actor to get himself an iPhone. What's weird is that the actor was actually like, 'Yeah, I think I know someone at Apple who can hook you up.'"

Those whose connections fall through can always avail themselves of the many line-waiting services currently being offered on Craigslist. Then again, why put your faith in a possibly untrustworthy stranger when you're in charge of an entire studio full of warm bodies? An operative tells us that late last week, an e-mail went out from the emperor's office at Paramount, asking underlings for "volunteers" to brave the Calcutta-like congestion of the tent cities forming outside local Apple and Cingular stores, hoping that enough of the selfless assistants and interns pressed into the thankless duty survive the ordeal (sure to quickly devolve into horrific scenes of anarchy and cannibalism as the initial inventory dries up) to supplement the meager iPhone supply they've been able to pre-secure for gifts, bribes, and general showing-off purposes.

• Even Industry Bigwigs Will Be Waiting in Line for iPhone [Ad Age]