We stand before you today to proclaim, sight unseen that Avatar will suck.

We offer a caveat: When you see this film you may not realize that what you just experienced was a nightmare from the bowels of entertainment. You may be so overwhelmed by the graphic experience and special effects that you walk away thinking that what you just experienced was, in fact, great. In the weeks that follow while you watch the massive box office total rise and rise, you may experience the rush of being on an enormous bandwagon sweeping you away into something enormous.

But somewhere deep inside, a part of you will know you are living a lie. And someday down the line, a reckoning will come. Perhaps it will be a quiet moment, sitting alone late at night four years from now when you catch a moment of the film on cable; perhaps it will be decades hence when you stare in the eyes of your grandchildren, their pain of betrayal piercing your soul as they ask "Did you really like this boring movie grandma?" But the day will come when you will see that Avatar did in fact suck, that you had allowed yourself to be caught up in a mass hysteria, and as a result your every opinion about art and indeed about the affairs of mankind should be considered suspect.

As I write this item, the embargo on Avatar reviews has just been broken and the internet is being flooded by critics proclaiming the film is actually great. Before our eyes we are witnessing even hardened Cameron skeptics, breaking down and falling in line behind the film. These are the moments that test men's souls, but we will not bend.

To begin with, we submit to you the track record. Although we like the early, blowing-stuff-up period of James Cameron, with Titanic he took a drastically wrong turn into the deeply overwrought pretension, and once you have gone down that road, and been so wildly celebrated for it, there is no turning back. And all available evidence suggests that turn back he has not.

In fact to know how the history of Avatar will play out one need look no further than Titanic. Bowled over by the megalomaniacal technical accomplishment, critics and audiences alike suspended all rational judgment and bestowed all the laurels our society has to offer on Cameron's boat sinking blunderbuss. From the Academy of Motion Pictures to mobs of teenage girls, the one thing we as a society could agree on — or else — was that Titanic was a masterpiece.

Only 12 years later are the scales beginning to fall so that sensible people can agree, Titanic was perhaps the worst movie ever made.

The first half of Titanic is the most mind-numbingly tedious tour through Cameron's big erector set driven by romance story that seemed to have been written by a 14-year-old on his first day high school filmmaking class given an assignment to write a new project for a ressurected Joan Blondell. And then came the second half which was essentially an aquatic snuff film in which we spend an hour watching people in olde timey dress get drowned. And then there was a Celine Dion song. And a bookend from the present.

Not having seen Avatar, but judging by the ample footage available in trailers and promotional materials, all the crimes of Titanic look to be present in Avatar: overwrought pretentious themes and infintile storytelling and characterization grafted on to an atomic bomb on a technical achievement meant to bludgeon you into submission with its effects prowess.

Now, we're all for imagineers creating breathtaking new worlds for audiences; and the place where such accomplishments to be beheld properly is on a ride at Disneyland. We'd be delighted to line up for an eight minute "James Cameron's Mission to Pandora; The 3D IMAX Experience." That sounds like just the right amount of Pandora for us.

And we're also all for mindless action movies. It's when mindless action movies attempt to convey big meaningful themes — Avatar is about the environment — that they morph from amusingly stupid to laughably stupid; like having a 14-year-old boy suddenly lecturing you about your duty to the world, as told through a parable of blue space creatures.

And to recap some of the crimes of Avatar we've previously compiled in our lonely truthwatch:

• The aliens have cougar noses and look like Jar Jar Binks.
• The characters have names like Colonel Miles Quaritch, Trudy Chacon, Selfridge, Neytiri and Jake Sully.
• Sample line of dialouge: "every living thing wants to kill you and eat your eyes for Jujubees."
• James Cameron employed a USC linguistics professor "to create an entire functioning language for the tribe of 10-foot-tall blue aliens who inhabit Pandora, the setting for the film's conflict." Which is all well and good that the Na'vi tribe got a functioning language, but raises the question why couldn't Cameron have commissioned a functioning language for the film's humans? Wasn't there any linguistics professor available who could put the kibosh on lines such as "We're not in Kansas anymore. We're on Pandora," whose moldy, phoned-in essences threaten to murder the mother tongue from which their ancestors descended?
• And of course there was this interview in which Cameron detailed the obsessive overtime work his crew did to get the ten foot tall blue alien heroine's boobs exactly right.

Throw in the two hour and 40 minute running time and all we can say is that may be long enough to bludgeon you into submission to Avatar, but is it really long enough to kill off that part of you, somewhere deep inside, that knows very well that this is wrong and someday, somehow, someone must speak up?

Happy viewing space warriors.

The alleged benefits to the entertainment industry of 3D's latest incarnation are many, if they pan out: 3D supposedly justifies higher ticket prices, 3D projection foils pirates, 3D supposedly turns moviegoing at movie houses into an "event" again. On paper, it's a veritable Manhattan Project solution to all of showbiz's woes. The only people who stand to lose are audiences, who will be forced to dig even deeper into their wallets to shell out more for the up-to-this-point dubious advantage of seeing things float around just in front of the screen.

And there is no guarantee all this will work out. After all the hype, audiences might just decide that the cost of moviegoing has hit a tipping point and they are better off staying home or taking their kids to get messed up on malt liquor in a convenience store parking lot for a fraction the pricetag. If things go that way, a lot of people in Hollywood are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

But this isn't the first time we've been through this. From the dawn of cinema, audiences have had cockamamie inventions foisted on them that were supposed to keep their dollars in the theaters. Some have been wildly successful, most have been disasters. Here's a look back at some of the greats:

Invention: Narrative Film
First Introduced In: 1890's
Alleged Advantage: Instead of just showing pictures of horses running down a track, for instance, films sought to tell a story.
Biggest Drawback: Film pioneers failed to anticipate that by the 1980's, narrative would become obsolete, and viewed as a tactic of artistic imperialism, to be replaced by oblique forms which allow viewers to create their own meanings and rely on indirect referencing to achieve a mise en scene rather than actually telling a story.
Outcome: Had its moment but ultimately doomed by the forces of hipster cinema and post-modern criticism.

Invention: Sound
Introduced In: The Jazz Singer, 1927
Alleged Advantage: Audiences got to hear Jolson singing "Swanee" while they watched him gesticulating in blackface.
Biggest Drawback: Once we let actors start talking, Lindsay Lohan twittering was only a few steps away.
Outcome: Pray as you might for someone to tell them to put a cork in it, talkies are here to stay.

Invention: 3D 1.0
Introduced In: Made its first breakthrough in the 1950's with films such as Vincent Price's House of Wax.
Alleged Advantage: Extra scary to think the monsters were actually in the room with you.
Biggest Drawback: Once audiences realized, ten movies later, that the monsters weren't actually in the room, the massive headaches brought on by 3D glasses no longer seemed worth the price.
Outcome: The fire died out but a tiny ember remained smoldering and waiting...

Invention: The Tingler
First Introduced In: 1950's for the film The Tingler
Alleged Advantage: Devices placed in seats made audiences fell they were actually being felt up by the onscreen villain.
Biggest Drawback: Being felt up by a screen villain isn't necessarily what one wants in their moviegoing experience.
Outcome: Like most of the gimmicks brought to the movie house by schlock producer William Castle, The Tingler's moment was not to last.

Invention: Sensurround
First Introduced In: 1970's disaster films such as Earthquake.
Alleged Advantage: Massive sound effect would make seats and your bones shake with onscreen rumbling.
Biggest Drawback: No one really likes having their bones shake when they are not at a rock concert.
Outcome: Sensurround didn't make it but it's memory lives on in the vision of Michael Bay and the decades of annoyingly loud movies that have followed.

Invention: 3D 2.0
First Introduced In: The Stewardesses in 1970.
Alleged Advantage: A new processing innovation reinvigorated 3D for the zany 1970's. The number "3" was especially advantageous to filmmakers in underscoring the specialness of the third installments of franchises as it was thus used in Jaws 3D, Amityville 3D and Friday the 13th, Part 3D.
Biggest Drawback: Despite the "D" audiences were still stuck watching a third Amityville Horror film.
Outcome: Again the flame died, but the fire was never extinguished.

Invention: Web Driven Production
First Introduced In: Snakes on a Plane, 2006
Alleged Advantage: Popular netsroots outcry spurred filmmakers to tailor the film, then in progress to the needs of their audiences, inserting extra nudity and swearing.
Biggest Drawback: Once fanboys on the internet are given any actual power, the collapse of modern civilization can not be far behind.
Outcome: After all their noise, the fanboys tired of their plaything before it made it to market. Snakes grossed a mere $34 million giving it the most off-kilter hype to grosses ratio in film history.

LA Times writer Mark Olsen says that Doris Wishman, who made the 1965 flick Bad Girls Go to Hell, was in many ways the forerunner of the feminist exploitation genre. The movie involves a woman being raped by her janitor while her husband is at work; she kills him with a bowl. But fearing the consequences of the murder, she flees the city and travels to New York, where she changes her name and has a tryst with a woman, then gets raped by some other guy, then eventually wakes up to find it has all been a dream. Then her husband leaves for work… And the janitor comes in and rapes her. Uplifting? Here's the trailer:





Then there's Terminal Island, directed by Stephanie Rothman. The movie revolves around a an island penal colony where the male and female prisoners fend for themselves without guards. But the subtext is all about power, sexism and social upheaval. Critic Dave Kehr claims the film can be seen as a "lurid exploitation subject turned into a crafty feminist allegory… It's difficult now to believe there was a time when such progressive politics could be expressed in a drive-in movie." This is not the original trailer, but a remix that might not be safe for work, view with caution: (And check out the trashtastic poster!)





"No She Didn't" will also look at Gator Bait, what's called a "hicksploitation" movie directed by Beverly Sebastian. Kathleen McHugh, director of the UCLA Center for the Study of Women says: "Even in the mid-'70s, the kind of proto-feminist element was being written about… you have these powerful, self-assertive, one might even use the term 'extremely aggressive' women who are wreaking vengeance against forces, people, men who are trying to keep them down." Gator Bait, looks, in a word, awesome:





Of course, all of these films are still part of a genre which is deemed "exploitation." So you'll find gratuitous nudity, violence and general sleaze. But the female filmmakers were following what was — at the time — a viable career path in Hollywood. Notes Olsen: "Where many male filmmakers who worked the same route moved on to more respectable projects and acclaim, their female counterparts largely faded into obscurity." Still, the women making these movies injected their point of view. McHugh points out: "A significant part of feminism was women taking charge of representations of sexuality. And you clearly see, albeit in an extreme and sort of trashy way, you do see it in these exploitation films." Paul Malcolm, who is the programmer of the UCLA series, puts it this way: "The films are really flat-out fun genre films, but there's something else at work."

Female-Exploitation Films Seen In New Light [LA Times]
Bad Girls Go To Hell [YouTube]
Gator Bait [YouTube]
Terminal Island [YouTube]

[Image via MovieGoods.com]

"I cannot look at Matthew Fox… We cannot keep a straight face." Since the show is shot in Hawaii, outside of the L.A. "scene," Jorge says he thinks of Lost "a show that just me and my friends do out in the jungle." He also said sometimes the cast will be distracted by whales or seals when filming (he totally used the word pinniped!). Jorge is an avid gardener, and showed Bonnie pictures of his heirloom tomatoes and his "salad bar." In addition to having a green thumb, Jorge is also crafty; he loves making Halloween costumes and has been an oyster and a fish in a fishtank. Verdict: He is awesome. Clip above.

Obtained by TMZ and recorded, they say, for insurance purposes, it starts off with a bang—a threat launched at cinematographer Shane Hurlbut to "kick your fucking ass. I want you off the set you prick!"—and then continues for several solid minutes of shouted and profanity-laced invective, mockery, more pledges of physical violence, interspersed occasionally with Hurlbut's muted apologies and meek entreaties from the crew for the Dark Knight star to possibly cool down and stop threatening to injure them. (One response from Hurlbut in particular displeases him so much, you can literally hear Bale charging at him.)

We're trying to think of another example that even comes close, and failing. This makes the legendary David O. Russell/Lily Tomlin I Heart Huckabees flareups seem like yoga class, and generally makes us rethink the entire Momzo the Clown affair. The only silver lining we can come up with is that Bale wasn't nominated for an Oscar. The Academy is notoriously unsympathetic towards DP-beaters.

• Bale Went Ballistic [TMZ]

She was there to plug her latest "I took lots of drugs and alcohol and married a gay dude" memoir, Enter Drinking. (Wait, that's not it. Up, No Olives? It'll come to us eventually.) Seriously—how did this seismic, evolutionary species reassignment come to pass, and do the universe's laws of equilibrium require that the slug-like crime lord now be cavorting by some Tatooinian resort pool in a bikini?

After the jump, Fisher talks about taking acid with Cary Grant or something.

• Today Show [NBC]

[CLICK IMAGE TO EXPAND]

• ! OMG, more naked Daniel Radcliffe !! [omgblog].

First, let's take Wall-E. The indomitable Pixar robot has collected some of the most glowing reviews of the year and many of those critics then called it the best American film of 2008 — in fact, Wall Street Journal scribe Joe Morgenstern was already talking Wall-E up for Best Picture in July. Still, the film has several things working against it: it opened early enough in the year to have been forgotten, it made a ton of money but not as much as much as, say, Cars (thereby falling into an Oscar trap where the movie is too successful, but not so successful that it can't be ignored), and it's animated. "Younger-skewing" films like Beauty and the Beast and Babe have been nominated before, but almost offhandedly, and not in a while.

Then, there's the Bat. The Dark Knight has one big thing going for it: Heath Ledger's performance is a mortal lock for a Supporting Actor slot, which may help grease the wheels for the film to grab a Best Pic nom. Also, its box office total, second only to Oscar favorite Titanic, is so massive that The Dark Knight has remained the biggest story in the industry all year. Yes, it's still just a comic book movie (and one that had a minor Bat-lash), but what isn't in Hollywood these days?

Thus, in the race for Best Picture, we're going to give the edge to The Dark Knight. With previous contenders like Frost/Nixon and Changeling losing steam among the chattering class, The Dark Knight's chances are certainly improved, and it has the best precedent: The Fugitive, a well-reviewed action blockbuster that rode a buzzworthy supporting performance to Oscar glory. We're going to hold out hope in our hearts for Wall-E, but we fear it'll take something stronger than a laser blast from EVE to bust this robot out of the Best Animated Film ghetto.

• Studios Are Pushing Box Office Winners as Oscar Contenders [NYT]

• George Takei Calls William Shatner's YouTube Rant 'Silliness' [ET]

For example, few of you are probably old enough to remember 1970's The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, starring Uncle Arthur and a galaxy of stars—including Margaret Hamilton in full Wicked Witch of the West garb, Billie "Witchiepoo" Hayes...and KISS, for crying out loud! If that's not enough to make your inner-gay explode and ooze down your insides, we also found a clip from The Halloween That Almost Wasn't, the discoriffic 1979 TV movie starring Judd Hirsch as a Count Dracula hellbent on putting the bite back into the scariest holiday. As always, notable omissions are welcome in the comments...if you dare!!! Ah ah ah ah ah!!!

• Previously: The Top 8 Women Who Changed the Face of 'SNL' [Defamer]

But the cosmetics are still what makes this one-off car something special. Ford's turned this $80,000 Shelby into KITT thanks to a sweet-looking black-on-black paint job, the addition of 20" Shelby "Super Snake" wheels, 90% tinted windows all-around and of course, the Auto Indulgence 15" LED "Knight Rider" security scanner lightbar. Sure, it's all stuff you can buy off the rack — but when combined together, it makes this "King of the Road" look bad-ass.

But what's great about this customized Shelby is when the novelty of cruising around in KITT wears out, and you've turned the lightbar off, you remember you're still driving a Shelby GT500KR. That said, there's now even greater incentive to pull to a stop, shift into first and floor it. Because when you do, your world shrinks into a tunnel of motion with only a pinpoint of clarity ahead, wild-eyed narration provided by an unnatural banshee wail emanating from the supercharger. You watch, almost from outside of your body, as time dilates and you are no longer subject to the rules of physics. You feel as though this motor will pull the stars from their places in the heavens. And then the rev limiter brings it all back to reality.

A sideways grin spread across my face as my autonomic nervous system registers how close I just came to some form of fiery death. The manic rush, instead of acting like a deterrent, plays a powerful stimulant, and you do it again, and again, and again.

That's because the GT500KR is a much better car than its predecessor, the Mustang GT500. The GT500 is a mean and nasty car, operating at the limits of the chassis — it's twitchy, overpowered and hard to live with. Driving it always makes you feel like you're toeing the line of control, even when toting the groceries. To be perfectly honest, the notion of driving a GT500 with more horsepower was, at the outset, mildly terrifying. But the GT500KR is much more refined — the extra power is met with a much better suspension thanks to upgraded KR-only dampers, springs and shocks. All of it works together to provide a far more confident drive than the GT500. No more skipping across expansion joints at speed on a sweeping freeway corner, only planted, firm and predictable driving over the bumps and potholes of Michigan roads. But, then why the taken-to-the-limits feeling? It's because that added confidence is underscored with the notion that instead of being more controllable, the razors edge has just been raised to a new and more frightening level.

In spite of this knowledge, you smile like any man charming a Cobra; resigned to the danger, but addicted to the exhilaration of it. It doesn't matter if the car handles incredibly well for a solid axle design on a heavy car with monster mill, it doesn't matter if the interior has no upgrades over a standard 'Stang, it doesn't matter that the windows are tinted so dark you strain to see headlights in the night because none of that changes the mechanical the wail of obscenities the supercharger hurls at you as it takes over your world.

People point. They stare. The silent back and forth sweep of the red light draws the questions of curious passers-by. Camera phones are wielded, friends are called over and disbelief removed. But in the face of the crushing power of this car, the tight hold that childhood memories maintain over the aura of KITT shrink, and become insignificant as you pull runs — again, and again, and again. The show may be in need of some "Turbo Boost," but this GT500KR has all the boost we need.

Photo Credit: Alex C. Conley

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It might be self-serving of us to suggest they publicize their films, and in a way, we empathize with their reclusion; Larry Wachowski has been the subject of sex-change and dominatrix-dating speculation since a feminized version of himself — earrings, plucked eyebrows, manicure — showed up on the Matrix Revolutions red carpet in Cannes five years ago with mistress Ilsa Strix (née Karen Winslow) on his arm. The siblings later sneaked into the New York premiere of V For Vendetta (which they wrote and co-produced), and last week in Los Angeles they went positively presidential with subterfuge at the debut of Speed Racer. "They did not do the red-carpet press line at the Nokia Theatre on Saturday, and were well-camouflaged during the after-party," wrote Borys Kit in The Hollywood Reporter. "Photographers were sworn to secrecy as to their whereabouts, and Warner Bros. assigned handlers the mission of keeping journalists off the scent."

Like it matters; the Wachowskis haven't granted an interview in the decade since The Matrix, deferring to mega-producer and de facto representative Joel Silver and their casts to flog their work publicly. Their crews sign non-disclosure agreements. The duo's contracts entitle them to a luxury rarer than final cut — an opt-out provision shielding them from the promotion of their films. It's Stanley Kubrick/Terrence Malick/Eric Rohmer stuff, but with one crucial exception: Their films aren't that good.

Or at least they haven't been in nearly 10 years; Speed Racer is no different. But what is good about it are the things to which only they can speak — the practice of reinventing the source cartoon, the relationship of vision to execution, the extraordinary scene transitions eschewing cuts for something closer to a scrolling-head montage (like "bullet-time," you just have to see it), or, on the most basic of levels, directing a standout cast (and even a goddamned monkey) against one green-screen backdrop after another. Unlike Iron Man or Warners' even more anticipated summer offering The Dark Knight, the brands work in concert with personalities to acquire traction. Emile Hirsch's abstract praises are not enough.

Warner Bros. faced the similar scenario with Kubrick for nearly three decades, covering the director's final five films from A Clockwork Orange through Eyes Wide Shut. Obviously, his death in March 1999 put a pretty irrevocable kibosh on promoting the latter film, but he did speak out from time to time about the intervening work; his daughter Vivian's behind-the-scenes documentary about The Shining was a broadcast TV event in 1980, and he did a few select interviews in 1987 on behalf of Full Metal Jacket. Moreover, he was always involved with people — actors, writers, other filmmakers — and his 15 years of work prior to his British exile in the late '60s had installed him permanently among the world cinema vanguard.

Not so for the Wachowskis, a couple of ex-carpenters from Chicago whose one-two dynamos Bound and The Matrix boosted expectations from 1996 to 1999. Their work since has lapsed into the type of indulgence that further evokes itself in those clauses guaranteeing their immunity to press, and by extension, their audience. That audience has had nothing to latch onto for too long now; no taut narratives, no singular parallel universes and certainly no visual benchmarks that can and/or should speak for themselves. Their self-containment borders on alienating, their aloofness sharing breath with its conjoined twin, arrogance.

As the most public recluses working today (and at the highest budgets), their godfather Silver can only buy the Wachowskis their privacy for so long — especially as another of their putatively visionary summer efforts meets diminishing returns in a culture craving voices with faces and faces with names. If the Viral Era has taught us anything, it's that every mystery needs a payoff, and you have to earn your mystique if you expect to exploit it.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Getty]

Chloe Parker went from tycoon tot to tycoon twat... She's got it all. Daddy, money, and one of those tiny little dogs that rich people keep in their vagina... Her penthouse in Algonquin's exclusive Little Barkings district is a palace in the sky complete with a motor drawbridge, torture dungeon, and servants with scurvy. This is real estate we can only watch on television and masturbate over. (After the jump, the clip, and two screenshots from Liberty City's self-mocking version of the web; and here's blow-by-blow coverage of Grand Theft Auto's new release from Kotaku.)

The overall slant of this writing is moderately to the left, an indication of a person who is somewhat introverted. Unless the writer knows you fairly well, you won't get close. It appears that there is little stress shown in the writing, and it's likely that even if somebody gets too close too fast, the writer will fend off and not erupt.

Letters are rounded, the sign of a methodical thinker who likes to take time and does not like to be rushed. No fast deadlines for this writer or she will tend to get scattered in her pursuits.

Writer's goals are alternately high enough to stretch for and low enough to pick off the ground. There are signs of initiative (takes action without prompting by others).

Thinking can be accelerated somewhat by the writer's intuition (indicated by spaces between letters). This writer has learned to skip over many of the logical building blocks of thought and reach, almost mysteriously, a conclusion that turns out to work. The writer has come to trust this gut thinking. Nonetheless, if this writer starts thinking too fast, a lot of confusion results (intertwined lines) that slows everything down again. Better for this writer to be the turtle than pretend to be the hare.

There are buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through.

Good attention to small details. The writer's usual approach to things is frank and very direct.

The writer probably works well (or could) with her hands, perhaps in the mechanical realms such as carpentry, pottery, glass blowing..

Lines and letters are pressed close together and the e formations are constricted, all indications of a mind with many preconceptions that clog up the arteries to new ideas.

There are also indications of a person who usually tells the truth (as most of us may see it) and is steadfast and loyal to people and institutions she believes in.

Earlier: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman
Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Related: Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

• According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner (in this case, the show), tries to isolate you from family or friends. When you watch Lost, the world divides into two groups; those who also watch and those who don't. Even my own mother will be denied and ignored if she dares to call while I'm watching tonight. And heaven forbid if she asks, "What's the show about?"

• The wellness site Third Age asks, Do you feel as if your partner keeps you dangling on a string? Does he or she seem to have all of the emotional control? Does this make your own life feel out of control? Yes, yes and yes! Lost leaves you dangling, controls emotions, makes you fall in love with foxy foxes, no-goodniks and heart-melters, muddles their backstories, confuses whether they are good or bad and then snatches them away from you just when you thought you could count on seeing them shirtless once a week.
• Dr. Phil himself says a relationship might be abusive if your partner is making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions. The black smoke is terrifying! So is Henry Gale/Ben Linus! So is the fact that people manifest things from their past — Kate's horse, Jack's dad? Another mark of the emotional abuser is if the person makes light of the abuse and doesn't take your concerns about it seriously. You think they listened when I begged, "Please don't kill Mr. Eko!"? No!
• You're being abused if your partner does not want you to work. Lost wants me to spend all day cross-referencing conspiracy theories, watching secret videos that may or may not hold insight and reading Hurley's blog. I just know it.
• Lastly, emotionally abusive partners are known for punishing by withholding affection. It's been eight months! As Emily Nussbaum says in New York Magazine today: "Basically, we're kind of like John Locke: Befriend us under false pretenses, steal our kidney, smash us through a window, toss us in a mass grave! You're still our daddy, and we'll follow you anywhere."

  What is Domestic Violence? [The National Domestic Violence Hotline]
  Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship? [ThirdAge]
  Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship? [Dr. Phil]
  Six Secret Lost Videos [10 Zen Monkeys]
  Emily Nussbaum on 'Lost': We Are John Locke [New York Magazine]

As for the premiere, a circular black carpet started at the Bronson Gate, then rounded the lot's now-famous headless Statue of Liberty replica, where stars from the casts of Lost, The Office, Heroes, Entourage, the Star Trek movie, and various basic cable realitainments were on hand to lend the evening their B-level glow. And then there was Lindsay. Oop! We've already given away too much. Our amateurish-in-execution-but-pure-of-intention gallery is accessible here, or by clicking any of the thumbnails below.

• CloverfieldMovie.com

Finally, a motorcar that defines indulgence. 550 horsepower...standard. Racing-tuned suspension...standard. Xenon headlamps with Infrared night vision...standard. Metallic paint with nanotech-enhanced camouflage, access to military satellite...imaging...self-regenerating and damage...FBI network...high-speed internet...solar-powered hybrid engine...artificial intelligence...voice-activated GPS...standard. Driver? Optional. But really...enough about me.