Might "nuking the fridge" have been more palatable if it were followed by a scene where Indy, Mutt, and Ray Winstone spy on Cate Blanchett through a peephole in the high school locker room? Or are we subtly being prepared for an Indy 5 involving the mythical Quest for Teenage Tail?

• Shia LaBeouf Defends 'Nuking The Fridge' And Other Fantastical 'Indy 4' Moments [MTV]

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — $151.1 million
Defamer's groundbreaking Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projections Tracker™ was just about pinpoint precise once we factor in the the +/- $9.5 trillion margin of error, calculating the triumph of America's archaeological/Commie-killing sweetheart in real time over its five-day opening frame. Its four-day total was no less impressive, tallying $126 million from Friday to Monday, while the worldwide total of $311 million had George Lucas stroking his massive under-chin on his Marin County deck, conjuring inspiration for his and Steven Spielberg's forthcoming fifth installment, Indiana Jones and the Hard-to-Insure Septuagenarian Star.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian — $28.6 million
Disney insiders cooly told us this morning they're not worried about the 58% drop from Caspian's opening weekend or the fact that the four-week old Iron Man almost surpassed it for second place overall. When asked about the shrieks and cries audible in the background, we were rebuffed: "What? Oh, that? It's nothing. Andrew Adamson stopped by, is all — he's telling us about the next Narnia movie. Anything else?"

3. Iron Man — $25.6 million
The comic hero bumped his cumulative take to $260 million since May 2, which means Marvel Studios' troubled companion film The Incredible Hulk can draw literally nobody to the theater and still be an official success. Congrats to David Maisel and the whole team!

4. What Happens in Vegas — $11.1 million
Fox's "shite date movie" counterprogramming trick worked like a charm once more against the action/fantasy epics encircling it, but look for the "late Sydney Pollack cameo" wave to lift Made of Honor to a resurgent weekend ahead.

5. Speed Racer — $5.2 million
If the box office was The Gong Show, a cackling Chuck Barris would have pointed this sorry act offstage two weeks ago. Alas.

[Photo Credit: Rotten Tomatoes]

WHAT'S NEW: There's a holiday-ready, cruise-control part of us that feels like skipping this part of Defamer Attractions, but again, Indiana Jones 4 is not the only new release demanding attention. That said, with $26 million already in the bank on Thursday, and with the Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projection Ticker speeding toward $9.5 trillion, we should probably just get it out of the way. It's easily going to win the weekend, but can it displace four-day weekend champ Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End ($139.7 million) and five-day king Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith ($172 million) as the all-time biggest box-office bow? We doubt it; there's too much cultural competition to overcome the 19-year generation gap. Nevertheless, we're still calling Indy to break $110 million by Sunday and $140 million by Monday, thus promising a fifth installment set in 1967 and pitting our hero and his greaser sidekick/offspring against their toughest adversaries yet: Filthy, filthy hippies.

Also opening: John Cusack's Iraq satire/career nadir War, Inc.; the here-and-gone Jonathan Rhys Meyers drama The Children of Huang Shi; and the acclaimed Vice Magazine-produced doc Heavy Metal in Baghdad.

THE BIG LOSER: Despite early reads positioning Postal in the same critical class as What Happens in Vegas, Speed Racer and Sex and the City, it won't likely be enough to boost Uwe Boll's latest clusterfuck to anything approaching respectable at the box office. Granted, he's on four screens as opposed to, say, Indy 4's 4,200, but if Postal's per-screen average breaks $8,000, we'll volunteer to be the guy eating his own puke in Boll's next film. What? Stoic has already been shot? Whatever. The point is: It will not happen.

THE UNDERDOG: Fatih Akin's 2005 culture-clash stunner Head On captured audiences about as abruptly and unforgettably as its title suggested, and his follow-up, The Edge of Heaven, revisits his volatile Turkish/German roots with no less intensity. Which, considering its scope, is a bit of a marvel: A elderly Turkish man invites a compatriot prostitute into the home he shares with his son in Bremen. It ends... poorly, with the son traveling to Istanbul to find the woman's 20-something daughter. She's embroiled in political actions there, expatriates herself to Germany seeking asylum, falls in love with another young woman, and then — horror of horrors! — is expelled back to prison in Turkey. The interwoven searches and tragedies that follow in Heaven make Babel look like an afterschool special — not for their violence or viciousness (though they have that, too), but for their stoicism and, ultimately, their unalloyed compassion. And in any case, we'd never reject anything featuring both lesbians and Turkish prison.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD's this week include National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, the latest terrible George Romero zombie entry Diary of the Dead, the Richard Gere/Claire Danes folly The Flock, and the long, long-awaited complete first season of The Bill Engvall Show.

So are we low-balling Indy's weekend plunder? Are we too generous? And is anybody actually planning to see Postal? Share your own plans, place your own bets and go ahead — tell your boss we said you could take Monday off!

[T]his is a supersonic blade traveling 1,400 feet per second, 700 miles per hour. It can slice you in two at 14 feet. Once you hear that explosive gunshot crack, you never forget it. It's intimidating. Scary. Makes a big noise, but that's what it's intended to do.

I taught Harrison how to stay safe and never hit himself. Work in parallel lines. Think of railroad tracks outside your hand and body. Stay outside those tracks. I worked on his vocabulary. Vertical is a clock's 12-to-6, horizontal is 3-to-9, diagonal's 2-to-8. I broke the whips in for him so they'd develop muscle memory then taught him, listen to it. Don't rush it. It's an ally not an adversary. Use as little effort as possible. Stay absolutely relaxed. Slow its motion. Align it, form the loop above the head, and it's a rolling wave of energy that multiplies. The power is in the shoulder and arm.

Civilized man's oldest tool, the whip, dates back 5,000 years. If you listen, the whip will whisper its secrets.

Well, this is a gossip column, after all. We can't wait for tomorrow's edition, when Aunt Cindy brings us the truly scandalous back story behind Shia LaBeouf's painstaking switchblade training.

• Indy's Still a Whippersnapper [NYP]

It seems Mr. Jeffrey LaBeouf is what Shia once termed a "ragin' Cajun," which finally explains the last name. With a knowledge on drugs so vast that Shia actually consulted him before his role as an acid-dropper in Bobby, Shia's described his hippie dad as someone who: "did a lot of things. He was a clown. He sold snow cones. He did stand-up comedy. He even went on tour with the Doobie Brothers as their opening act. He was a Vietnam vet, an artist, an explorer of life - just an adventurer.” But all that warm and fuzzy detail doesn't make up for the fact that Jeff allegedly once pointed a gun at a very young Shia while having a heroin-induced 'Nam flashback. So before Shia's life starts looking too much like an episode of Intervention, can't anyone page Harrison Ford from his current chest waxing session to step in and kick the guy out? It's his movie son, which is way better than an actual son, at least in Hollywood.

• LABEOUF TRYING TO GET DAD OUT OF HIS GARAGE [Contact Music]

Scott Bowles has more at USA Today (including the troubling potential for yet another Indy franchise entry), and of course we'll have our own infallible figures Friday morning in Defamer Attractions. Meanwhile, a cadre of contrarian fanboys are even rallying now to defend current Memorial Day-weekend record-holder Spider-Man from the indignity of second place: "Save Spidey! Boycott Indy!" wheezes a recent headline at Comics 2 Film. "Spidey 3 tallied up $151.1 million this time last year. However, the web-slinger did it in a traditional three-day weekend, whereas Indy IV will have a five-day stretch. Fans who want Spidey to hang on to his cred may want avoid Indy this weekend and catch up with the adventure next week." Or, more realistically, pick up another pair of Spidey jammies and/or Underoos to help prevent total brand subsumption over the holiday frame.

• 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' Can Possibly Deliver the All-Time Best 5-Day Opening! [Fantasy Moguls]
• 'Crystal Skull' poised to rocket to the top [USA Today]

Even more unnerving than what the group's CEO promises was a totally real expression on Ford's face when the hair came off (frankly we can't spot an "expression" throughout the whole clip) is the sight of Ford's jolting asymmetrical features. It's as if George Lucas announced he would shoot only the right side off the actor's face for Indy 4 and proceeded to slap him 50 times a day in order to shove all his features over to the right. All the better to disguise his smirking from the hair-ripping minx on his left.

• HARRISON FORD WAXES HIS CHEST — FOR A GOOD CAUSE [People]

While we're at it:

—Eric Kohn's text-message live-blog from Cannes's first Indy 4 screening has drawn scorn from varying corners of the Web, with especially bitter CHUD critic Devin Faraci accusing Kohn of "having the distinct cranial structure of a douchebag" and unprofessionally "lowering the bar" with his stunt. Ahem. We'll agree only to the extent Kohn — a talented, sharp-minded colleague of ours from way back — annoyed his fellow theatergoers, which appears to be not at all: He sat in the back of the theater and had his phone concealed the whole time. Must we really endure a backlash from the likes of the inbreds at eFilmCritic before this non-issue goes away?

—And anyway, Shia LaBeouf isn't having any of this critical bullshit from anyone anyway, telling Entertainment Weekly that last week's early reviews were fabricated. "You know it's not a real review when no mention gets made of cinematography, or the camera setups, or anything pertaining to Steven's direction of the film. ... As soon as I heard there was a review, I was like, Really? That's crazy, 'cause I haven't seen the movie."

—Meanwhile, John Patterson sighs ruminatively at The Guardian: "If only we had more geriatric heroes." If only... no.

—And finally, the "Indiana Jones-approved" Texas furniture manufacturer Lifestyle Solutions is flirting with lawsuit oblivion with a garish, unauthorized and sporadically hilarious Indy 4 tie-in: "After a hard day of wielding his whip, dodging boulders and taking on bad guys, even Indiana Jones would appreciate a good night's rest on a Lifestyle Solutions Furniture platform bed." Just to be sure, his lawyers should be testing them out aaaaany minute now.

What follows contains numerous spoilers, though not much that isn't distinguishable from the trailer or the word-of-mouth teeming around the Web this morning. In any case, if you want a virginal Indy experience when the film opens Thursday, we'd recommend skipping to the next item right about now. Or join in the fray as our wounded critical minds clear the air and let the healing begin.

STV: I'm reading a few OK reviews here and there.
SA: I did that too.
STV: I don't get it; that movie was not good.
SA: No. Bad. A.O. Scott said he was bored. The opening was the most engaging part, but still not great
STV: It was engaging-ish.
SA: The whole movie felt tone-deaf.
STV: But where Raiders was a throwback to the serials of yore, this was a throwback to Raiders and as such was both parodic and, yes, tone-deaf.
SA: The rambling exposition was ridiculous.
STV: SPOILER ALERT! Shia LeBeouf is his son! SHOCKER!
SA: There were no surprises, and I don't understand the plot.
STV: OK, so: Some Russians break into Area 51 with Indy and pal Ray Winstone as their hostages. They want something in the hangar there, but it's a bombing range. That sets up a nuclear bomb point that goes... poorly.
SA: Well, we return to the massive warehouse that ends Raiders. So instantly the reference is made: This is vintage Indy.
STV: OMG there's the Ark! I wish the Russians had stolen that.
SA: Yeah, me too. So the mean Russian lady cuts open the tinfoil-wrapped alien baked potato —
STV: The heavily magnetized tinfoil-wrapped alien baked potato!
SA: That only starts pulling metal towards it when Indy arrives. Action sequence, mushroom cloud.
STV: Indy escapes unharmed, but the Feds suspect him now because he aided the Russians. He gets sent out on a leave of absence from university! Blacklisted! Jim Broadbent shows up, does dignified Jim Broadbent shit: Drinks, has an accent.
SA: Indy addresses a series of framed 8x10s of actors who refused to sign on for the sequels and/or died. He boards a train — destination: unknown. Or can't recall.
STV: Here comes Shia La Brando.
SA: His hog is his steed.
STV: Who just happens to find Indy on a moving train — from the platform. They go have a burger and Cokes at the New Haven diner where the KGB also hangs out after lower-division biology class.
SA: Indiana explains the legend of the crystal skulls, but we miss it because were too preoccupied monitoring the table behind him and how they deal with the "Shia Rewetting His Comb In Their Glass of Coke" problem.
STV: Shia: "Ugh, this is Diet! Fuck!" Anyway, they fight off the KGB. A chase ensues. They lay waste to Yale, go biking through the library. Next stop Peru!
SA: Yes! The Redline Express to savage countries guarded by a loincloth-clad, brown-peopled nation.
STV: And there's Ray Winstone again, who betrayed Indy early on by selling out to the Russians.
SA: Do they find the skull at this point? Or fend off Russians?
STV: They find the skull, then are caught and taken to a Russian fairgrounds/labor camp deep in the Peruvian jungle, where comrades dance, Marion's being held hostage and Cate Blanchett digs out her Roswell space alien. The skull has mental powers — she wants to brainwash the world.
SA: Finally, we have some idea what this movie is about. Indy is in arm restraints and goes face to face with the crystal skull. This is no ordinary quartz skull that looks like an alien head! The skull hurts his brain!
STV: And mine! Anyway, they are reunited and they escape with Shia and John Hurt, who does an hour or so of crazy-man schtick. Quicksand, snakes... Fuck it, jump ahead 30 minutes.
SA: So they escape again with the skull. Are they in Incaland yet? Does all this take place in Peru, or are they in Mexico?
STV: Your guess is as good as mine.
SA: They arrive at a Mayan temple only accessible by removing stone chads. Suddenly! 50,000 dancing chihuahuas appear! Then they are certain this place has significance.
STV: I can't keep going. The end!
SA: Shia didn't need to be in this movie; nor did john hurt. WTF was that?
STV: Shia is the future of the franchise.
SA: The whole skull thing — carrying around a Lucite skull that seems to have 1,000 purposes? Repels ants! Scares savages!
STV: The ants were horrifying.
SA: That was at least, like, something to watch.
STV: SPOILER ALERT! Those fucking ants pulled that big Russian dude INTO AN ANTHOLE AND ATE HIM.
SA: That was cool; it at least had some bite. And did you notice how Indy doesnt put up a fight? He just keeps answering every question that she asked him. Right from the first scene! 'Where is it?' 'Well, it's over here!' Or, 'See theres this legend that goes...' I mean, what happened to spitting in their faces and saying, "Never!"
STV: Yeah, fuck that.
SA: I want the old Indy.
STV: I want the Indy who steals artifacts, destroys everything in sight.
SA: It felt like Invasion of the Indy Snatchers. And the end was a mess. I have no idea what the fuck that was nor did I care.
STV: I mean, that whole alien subplot was literally laughable.
SA: What about the triple waterfall sequence? I could hear an audible groan. I mean, if you're going to just have a car tumble down three waterfalls like a pachinko machine, don't warn us ahead of time
STV: But I love, love, love that long shot of the valley below them collapsing and the spaceship flying up. Storywise, it was absurd, but the shot was fantastic.
SA: I got angry when I saw the spaceship. I felt they ruined the franchise by making it so sci-fi
STV: Maybe so. But technically speaking, it was really well-done. But then there were the monkeys.
SA: Oh yeah. Shia turns into Tarzan. They really lost their minds, kind of.
STV: Shia as Marlon Brando as George of the Jungle. I'll take at least two more installments of that.
SA: What about the cactus-LaBeouf-cockballtorture sequence?
STV: Cactus is an interesting plant variant in the jungle.
SA: Indiana Jones and the Ow LaBeouf's Balls.
STV: And poor John Hurt!
SA: I wonder what he thought when he read the script: "He caresses the crystal skull again and mutters an unintelligible phrase."
STV: His character's name is "OX." Better than "THE ELEPHANT MAN," I guess
SA: The audience was mostly dead silent for the movie. There wasn't one moment when you felt joy. I mean, there's a few stunt sequences that were well-done. That first five minutes, I liked.
STV: The drag race was a good tone-setter.
SA: Oh! Get this: our sound was out the first minute of that, which is like an eternity when fanboys are rioting.
STV: Who were those people who came out of nowhere to beat up Indy and Shia with the Parkour action moves and the blowdarts?
SA: Oh, that was killer blowdart skull mask killer pygmies! They were guarding the sound stage!
STV: I think they symbolized the fans who were down on the whole idea of Indy 4 from the start. They kick LeBeouf's ass until Ford, symbolizing Lucas, shows up to blow a poison dart in their mouths.
SA: At least a blow dart was a reference point I got.
STV: And then there's M. Night Spielberg, who must never touch the franchise again. If LeBeouf comes back, as it seems he will, give it to someone else.
SA: My friend asked why he needs to have Transformers and Indy. It's true. How much LaBeouf can one nation swallow?
STV: This movie is gonna make so much money. Paramount is going to win the summer easily.
SA: I mean, my friend liked it. Maybe it was actually a fun summer movie, and we both need attitude readjustments. The problem is that Iron Man opened two weeks ago. If it hadn't, I honestly wouldn't have remembered that a summer movie can be good.
STV: I refuse to accept responsibility for a blockbuster sucking.
SA: Even Transformers seemed more emotionally true. Giant alien robots — something to care about. I wonder if the fanboys will revolt.
STV: This movie's gonna make $400 million next weekend.
SA: How much will it really make?
STV: This is Pirates/Spider-Man territory. If they're counting over Memorial Day, easily $140. Anyway, let's end on a positive note. Man, wasn't Iron Man great?
SA: Get Smart: In theaters soon!

One reason the vampire-next-door tale might be pegged towards the "cool crowd" has to do with its female director, , whose resume includes 2003's indie cult classic Thirteen, that dark but painfully realistic Evan Rachel Wood vehicle that revealed the real inner workings of its adolescent female protagonist's depressive mind. From the looks of this trailer, Hardwicke isn't afraid of scaring the kiddies, but the might just scare their parents. All we know is how drastically our former prediction that the franchise would be just another innocuous National Treasure or worse, Golden Compass, has been happily proven wrong. And all we want to do is fly away on bad boy Robert Pattinson's back, no matter how many windows we break.

• [/Film]

We could buy Indiana Jones training a rocket launcher on Nazis 27 years ago in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but there's something more self-parodic than self-referential going on in the above photograph. This could very well be Paramount's stab at viral marketing, encouraging fans to circulate the artwork in pursuit of the most ludicrous caption invoking the "good old days," relative star-power, women drivers, erectile dysfunction, the film's box-office prognosis... you get the idea. For our part, we're happy to play along, and we hope you will, too — it's the only thing really sustaining our interest at this point.

• 140 Minutes Plus [Hollywood Elsewhere]

• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Idiocy [Slate]