7) Katie Holmes in New York City Marathon - No bra? No WAY! Whatever she's sellin', we're not buyin'.
6) Angelina Jolie in Beowulf - Digital bazooms aside, the choice to resurrect her dreadful Russian accent from Oliver Stone's Alexander made us cringe in all three dimensions.
5) Rachel Weisz in Fred Claus - Only a schlubby hack like David Dobkin would cast this impossibly fair-skinned Brit to play the role of a Chicago metermaid who falls hopelessly for the slovenly, unshaven older brother of Santa Claus.
4) Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition - Her rack got better support last year than this movie's theatrical release (opening weekend = $1,190)!
3) Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four 2 - We actually never got around to seeing this, but only a colorblind infant would buy those horrendous blue contacts!
2) Claire Danes' eyebrows in Stardust - Most distracting eyebrows since Simon Baker's in The Devil Wears Prada.
1) Ellen Degeneres in Iggygate - We believed her more when she pretended to be straight.

• The Best And Worst Of 2007 [Moviefone via Gawker]

Perhaps it's the way ET paints the relocated mongrel as a Baby Jessica for a new generation, with Mary Hart on hand to throw her love down the well of dashed puppy-rescue dreams, that so unsettles us. (Particularly when you imagine the dog's new owner just out of camera view, arguing over the agreed-upon appearance fee while fielding a call from Extra producers interested in the rumored video featuring an Iggy-gone-wild letting a stray Labradoodle do lines off her belly at a party for Kobe's bulldog.)

• Ellen's Iggy Out of Hiding [ETOnline]

· 2007 TV Diversity Champion ABC posted a solid night behind Dancing with the Stars and univerally beloved Halloween special It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, but Fox wins a sixth straight Tuesday night. [Variety]
· Optimistically envisioning a future in which writers will once again be able to create screenplays for studios, Columbia signs Zodiac scribe James Vanderbilt to script Spider-Man 4. [THR]
· In yet another sign that the Apocalypse is upon us, Carrie Underwood set some kind of first week sales record for American Idol winners. [Variety]

• Iggy And The Stooges [The Smoking Gun]

According to multiple sources, [Ellen's] really in pain because her three-year romance with actress Portia de Rossi is all but over.

"Ellen would never have broken down like that on TV if things were right in her home life," one source tells Star.

Portia has been telling Ellen she's very unhappy at home," says a second source...."When it comes down to it, she wants to be with someone younger ad hotter. She wants out, but Ellen has been begging her to stay. Portia is really everything in this world to her."

Domestic issues could explain a lot about the awkward energy hanging over the new season of DeGeneres's talk show—something we've noticed before in her forced relationship with DJ Stryker, who nervously winces at her every question, as if the wrong answer might result in a newly rescued lap-rodent suddenly being whipped with great force at his head. Here's hoping Portia and Ellen work through whatever rocky patches they may have encountered, before all the she-said/she-said/Iggy-said splitzville shit really starts to hit the fan.

• Ellen and Portia Headed To Splitsville? [queerty.com]

Tears, she should have realized earlier, are a sign of weakness, and going forward, the host pledges that all subsequent threats will be delivered with an icy detachment that won't detract from the seriousness of her mission. Don't fuck with me, America, Ellen seems to say, if the basket of shar-pei puppies I just had delivered to my dressing room fails to please me, no one's going to stop me when I decide to give them to that security guard with the friendly eyes.

• The Ellen DeGeneres Show [ellen.warnerbros.com]
• Previously: An Unraveled Ellen Cancels Taping Over Iggy-Related Anxiety [Defamer]

Mutts & Moms was too rigid, even though I am sure they are very fine and dedicated people. They were a slave to form and forgot the real-world circumstances.

They lost their chance to have Ellen serve as an advocate for them and for animal adoption, instead turning a potentially positive event into a distressing experience for all involved, including Iggy.

The episode won't help the reputation of animal rescue organizations. And that is a shame. One adoption mishandled should not define their work.

Pacelle's concern that the controversy might dissuade potential pet owners from rescuing sheltered animals is a legitimate one, as no parent in their right mind ever wants to have to have to explain to their kids that because a contract wasn't followed to the letter, Mr. Muffins is probably strapped to a table at a Gitmo-like doggie rendition facility for a waterbowl-boarding session he won't soon forget.

• Rescue Ruckus Shouldn't Scare Away Adopters [hsus.typepad.com]

As increasingly nervous Warner TV execs eyeball their office flatscreens, scribbling themselves a Post-It to "remember to send that nutjob a gift basket from Bark N Bitches or something," representatives from the show offered the following statement: "Ellen is taking a long weekend and will be back with a new show on Tuesday." We realize that comes off a bit like the unhinged-talk-show-host equivalent of "Boomer's much happier living on a big farm now." We'll only start to become suspicious if she fails to return from her recovery-weekend, during which the comedian will have presumably marched into the North Shore ASPCA, announcing Year of the Dog-style, "I want them all."

• Ellen Cancels Taping [TMZ]

Ellen DeGeneres says she's done talking about her canine dilemma and is pleading for calm, saying on her show that the controversy surrounding an adopted dog has "gotten out of hand."

During a Wednesday taping of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," to be aired Thursday, DeGeneres told viewers she wouldn't speak again until the dog, Iggy, is returned to DeGeneres' hairdresser and the woman's young daughters. [...]

"Let me just say this, it's gotten out of hand," DeGeneres said on the segment to air Thursday. "I want nothing, nothing more than that dog returned to that family. But you don't resort to violence. So anybody out there, please stop that. Please don't threaten or do whatever."

DeGeneres's pledge to remain silent on the matter until she gets what she wants, coupled with her stirring plea for peace between warring pet-swapping and contract-following factions, will hopefully be enough to halt the threats or whatever that have made life a living hell for stickler humane society workers in the days since the controversy erupted, leaving them free to go about their pet rescuing duties without the fear of being dragged out from behind their service desks by an angry, Ellen mask-wearing mob who'd think nothing of pummeling them half-to-death with a nearby alley cat.

• Ellen DeGeneres to Stop Dog Pleas [AP]

· This Telepictures-funded poll, the same Warner-owned company that produces The Ellen DeGeneres Show, has results that seem a little skewed to us. [ExtraTV.com]
· Then again, we're certain Telepictures owning TMZ TV has no bearing on the fact that the story has elicited the first sympathetic celebrity-siding in the history of the website. [TMZ]
· Ellen told Ryan Seacrest she can barely comprehend Baktis's statements that she "won't let the Ellen DeGenereses of the world get away with this," by which we think the shelter-owner meant "messianic creepy-animal-lover celebrities prepared to use the power of television to ruin the life of any plebe who dare cross them," though we don't want to put words in her mouth. [People]
· PETA chooses Team Ellen, hoping there's a nude ad campaign in this for them if they play their cards just right. [peta.org]

Keith Fink, a lawyer for Mutts & Moms, tells Page Six's Marianne Garvey it's all an act. Behind the scenes, DeGeneres' publicist was calling the small agency and threatening it, says Fink, who played a vicious voice-mail message for us:

"This is Kelly Bush. We are filing a legal case against you. We are going to be contacting the media. This is not going to be good for your store or your organization. You did not do the right thing. You need to call back. There is no reason for you to take this dog. Please call back before this gets further out of hand." [...]

Bush denied making threats. "I have not left any threatening messages at all," she said. "The agency threatened to go to the media and I said that wouldn't be a good idea. I told them there's just no need to escalate this . . . They started this by wanting to take it public. I was the one who said, 'Let's talk about this.' "

We fear Ellen's hopes to refocus the dialogue of the IggyGate debate on the dog's welfare were forfeited the moment she decided to issue a fatwa against the Pasadena puppy-placers. Her best bet at this point is to call off her army of torch-and-pitchfork-wielding Ellenites before they burn the shelter to the ground, perhaps by rerouting them to a Burbank dry-cleaner that failed to completely remove a chocolate-sauce stain from one of her favorite velvet tuxedos.

• AGENCY BARKS BACK AT ELLEN [NYPost]