• WATCH VIDEO

As AOL Music reports, Shakira and de la Rua, who've since broken up, apparently recorded the on-yacht sex session with a third party, Spanish pop star Alejandro Sanz. Were that true, that would make this as-yet-unreleased tape way pornier than your standard celebrity sex tapes. But the story only gets more sordid once we learn the route this tape has taken into the public spotlight. Apparently, two of Sanz' ex-employees are under prosecution for stealing the yacht which may or may not be stamped with Shakira's threesome, um, evidence. Admittedly, we're no Sam Donaldson (or even Chris Hansen), but we're pretty sure this joyously means that all contents found on the yacht will eventually be presented to the court. And considering the way Hollywood sex scandals tend to dissolve, those contents will eventually be posted on this site. As soon as possible. We promise.

• ALEJANDRO SANZ, SHAKIRA AND BOYFRIEND IN SEX TAPE SCANDAL [AOL Music]

While the coastal aesthete in us is particularly fond of the night-vision effect and slow-motion instant replay, the old-school redneck we've suppressed over the years can relate to Nelson-San's pure, unchecked animus. This would never fly at the Troubador.

• Paula Nelson Kicking Ass at the Saxon Pub [YouTube]

Take, for example, her three most provocative covers up to this point, 1983's Like A Virgin, 1992's Erotica, and 2005's Confessions:

We happen to think the lacy dress on Virgin is just begging to be lifted up, even if we can't even see the hem. And the close-up shot of Madonna's cherry-lined lips and false eyelashes on Erotica is somehow sexier when drawn in such exaggerated effect, like a page from Playboy coming to life. And then there's her last effort, the leotarded Confessions, which portrays her a disco-happy blonde redhead so enraptured with the music that she doesn't even have time to turn towards the camera. Judging from these three album covers alone, we think Madge is far sexier when she keeps it in her pants.

[Photo Credits: People, Absolute Madonna]

• MADONNA'S HARD CANDY ALBUM COVER REVEALED! [People]

For starters, the bashful, 17-year-old demi-Honduran seemed more nervous than usual in his introductory video package—not the energized nerves of a confident performer that might lead him to erupt into spontaneous choruses of "Flashdance... What a Feeling," but rather the white-knuckle distress of someone walking into a final matriculation unprepared. His admission that he is almost completely illiterate to the Lennon/McCartney songbook did not reassure us, either, particularly from a performer whose angelic interpretation of "Imagine" was what was credited with securing his coveted spot on the Big Stage in the first place.

And there he stood—a tiny, twittering uvula hanging at the back of a giant, flashing orifice. Put aside for a moment the fact that the song he chose, "We Can Work It Out," was in every way beyond his technical means. Ignore too the disconcerting lip-moistening between every verse, and the auto-show-model arm gestures. The Chosen One had committed the cardinal Idol no-no, failing to heed the one admonishment drilled into our heads repeatedly by Idol's Wayne Brady-hosted, ghetto follow-up: He forgot the lyrics, and in doing so, went in the span of one verse from Messiah to Sanjaya.

• americanidol.com

Luckily, Paula Classic™ was back to form last night, as slurrily effusive as ever: Enjoy every facet of her soft-focus existence in this montage by Defamer videocronologist Molly McAleer. We really have no idea what combination of ingestants is causing Abdul to hallucinate so strongly, she again envisioned the moth and cantaloupe oracle that visited her in Season 5. And frankly, we don't care. Hey Paula: Welcome back, old friend. Paula? No seriously, Paula? Does anyone have a hand mirror?!

• americanidol.com

Interestingly, Whitaker nearly broke away from Idol tradition of sucking it up for one last performance (we're still waiting for the contestant who's forced to sing "I'm Walking on Sunshine" through an open spigot of tears), telling Ryan Seacrest that there was no way in hell she'd be able to perform for 32 million of her closest friends so soon after seeing her career hopes snuffed. With the support of her Idol friends, however, she eventually overcame, and America will not soon forget her stirring rendition of (checking website again) "Hopelessly Devoted to You."

• American Idol Season 7 Contestants

Besides winning Star Search 2.0's junior singing competition, Guanabee has unearthed this home video of Archuleta freezing the cast of the first season of Idol in their tracks with a showstopping rendition of Dreamgirls diva anthem "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." That's right: a pre-fame Kelly Clarkson, staring 7 years into the future, into the eyes of the pipsqueak prodigy frontrunner of the current Idol season. That's how the Chosen One rolls.

• David Archuleta Sings Song From "Dream Girls," Is Our Adorable Little Dream Boy [Guanabee]

Update: Gene Simmons's lawyer has confirmed the sex tape's authenticity in a cease-and-desist letter sent to Valleywag. With Simmons's identity established, we've shortened the excerpts to the bare minimum: Simmons's face, unquestionable; the activity he's engaging in, unmentionable.

It's no secret that a large part of the appeal of American Idol is based on its proven track record of being able to catapault regular Joes (for example, a certain pear-shaped waitress from Texas) off of their couches and onto the top of the charts. However, when it came time to select the Final 24 this season, fearful producers decided that the amateur talent couldn't hack the load and, consequently, to stack the deck with a few ringers. We have already talked a bit about Carly Smithson (née Hennessy), but we just stumbled across some new details about her yesterday over at Vote For The Worst. Namely, they learned that Randy Jackson was working as the Senior VP of A&R when Smithson was signed to the label!

While doing some research for this Today Show piece that ran this morning (starring none other than Defamer's version of Ole Blue Eyes), we also learned another juicy detail about one of the contestants. Kristy Lee Cook, heir (and hair) apparent to Carrie Underwood, was once signed to Arista Nashville by, get this, Britney Spears' production company! And also that another contestant, Michael Johns, once fronted a major label rock act called The Rising (while using the name Michael Lee). Whether or not an "amateur" or one of these experienced pros ends up winning the contest, one thing is certain — people are talking about Idol again. Mission accomplished, producers, mission accomplished.

• The Today Show [MSNBC]
• Vote For The Worst

I was going to compile some sort of Best Of, but it's a fool's task. Here's a better idea: Crack open a bottle of André, click here, and curl up for an hour or five with his mind. It's a beautiful one.

Magical Defamer video gnome Molly McAleer has put together a visual goodbye, craftily calibrated to reduce Mark and his fans—every last one of you!—into a blubbering puddle of salty tears. It's sheer poetry.

From all of us here at Defamer:

Goodbye Mark. We love you.

The slant of this writer's letters range from somewhat left to somewhat right, plus straight up and down. These slants indicate emotional moods that can range from solitary and self-involved, to un-impulsive and logical, to somewhat outgoing. One may never know from moment to moment which of those moods will dominate.

There are hooks at the beginning and ends of many letters including the lower case Ys and Fs. This is a writer who grasps to own things and once they're gotten they won't be let go without a terrible struggle.

The writer is a methodical, detail-oriented thinker who takes time with getting things right. Goals are set where they are easy for the writer to reach without much stretching.

There is tendency of this writer to make "gut" decisions, which is another way of saying intuition. Intuition speeds up the thinking of a methodical thinker so that the methodical thinker can compete with much faster thinkers. This writer uses intuition on occasion, but may not trust it entirely. In the same vein, this writer is sometimes open to new ideas, and sometimes preconceptions and fears clog the arteries of communication (narrowed loops in some Es).

I clean the house yesterday and I find la crema of odour genitales Nodoro, at the Simon Cawell house from Americano Idol. He not a nice man, so I was laughing so hard!!! ;P

I help clean temporary many different house. This house is [redacted] en Beverly Hills. Please you cannot say my name. Gracias, [Redacted].

Having been unfamiliar with the ball-stench-combatting properties of miracle ointment NodorO™, we didn't immediately know what our tipster was referring to. Luckily, after conferring with a highly placed Defamer operative well-versed in the condition, we were guided to their website. That we learned there of the product's heavy sponsorship of Howard Stern's show, however, did little to convince us of the authenticity of our helpful, Defamer-savvy housekeeper. Still, if there was even a slim chance that the acerbic Idol judge—whose balls we always imagined to smell of an intoxicating mixture of juniper berries and talc—is or has ever suffered from embarrassing nutstink, we were relieved to learn he can now lead a healthy and fulfilling existence thanks to NodorO™.

Related: Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story [Wikipedia]

From: Office Of JoAnne Griffith
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 2:53 PM
To: M_MTVN__ALL
Subject: More Important News for Freelance and Temporary Employees

As you know, we've been holding information sessions over the past several days to discuss our freelance and temporary employee benefits. We've had many insightful conversations and heard a number of your specific concerns.

As a result of the input you've given to us directly through the sessions and your managers, we want to announce the following changes:

· We are expanding our freelance and temporary medical and dental benefits options to include the United Healthcare plan under which many of you are currently covered. This means anyone who is eligible for benefits in 2008 can opt for medical and dental coverage with United Healthcare at the current rate of contribution, or you can elect instead to enroll in the newly offered Aetna plan.

· The Aetna plan has certain advantages that may make it the preferred option for many of our freelance and temporary employees. Based on your input, however, we want to make sure that those of you who prefer the United Healthcare plan have that option.

· As a result of this change, the freelance and temporary employee payroll conversion to Cast and Crew has been delayed until February 1, 2008. Therefore, the December 14th deadline to submit your Cast and Crew paperwork has been postponed. We will inform you of the new deadline early in the New Year.

· We've implemented a process for evaluating freelance and temporary employee positions for possible conversion to staff positions. This process is currently underway and decisions will be communicated by January 31st, 2008.

In order to address additional questions, HR representatives will be available to discuss individual circumstances and concerns at the following times and locations:

· New York: Thursday, December 13th
11:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
1515 Broadway, Conference Room 44-02

· Los Angeles: Thursday, December 13th
11:00 a.m.
2600 Colorado Ave., 5th Floor LEG Room

Employees in other regions should contact their HR representative directly with any questions or concerns.

The slant of this writer's handwriting is basically straight up and down, an indication that she thinks first and acts later, at least most of the time. Yet there are times when the slant is somewhat to the left (introverted and little sharing of deepest feelings) and to the right (responsive emotionally). There is an immaturity about the inconsistency of the writing that is probably because she is so young (just 20).

Her printing indicates she wants to be understood clearly by others, and the printing (rather than cursive) is her way of doing that. But at times her writing intertwines with letters above and below, which indicates a tendency to occasional confusion.

She is very intuitive (she jumps over several steps of logical reasoning to come to trustworthy conclusions) which speeds up her naturally methodical method of thinking. She is not a deep prober; she takes matters as they are and deals with them, much of the time with "gut" instincts.

The straight down-strokes of the "y" formation indicate that she is essentially a "loner" who, while she can be with others, actually prefers to be alone.

Her goals are very practical, and she sets them where she knows she can reach them. She has no particular interest in stretching for pie in the sky, nor does she take the easiest way out.

The close, round dots over her letters "i" indicate both loyalty (not that often seen) and strict attention to details. She holds on tightly to what she believes in (see final hooks on the "f's" of her last name) but not to the point of stubbornness; she is open-mined and will allow new ideas into her mind without hindrance by preconceptions.

She is very direct and does not like to waste time (no wind-up strokes on any letters).

Now and then you see a partly formed lower loop on her "g" formations, a sign that she has the ability to generate creative ideas, but seldom follows entirely through with them.

She has the ability to speak expressively, but more significantly she knows how to listen, which is probably a key to her early success.

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled

Looking for something a bit less spiteful? Take a look at our full catalog of shirts, including Yes, I'm Quietly Judging You, New York: If You Can Make It Here, You Must Have a Trust Fund, and Douché.