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A mysterious woman wanted to remain in the shadows and darkness of Hollywood after she was spotted with hotshot filmmaker Brett Ratner outside of Hyde Lounge. Ratner attempted to use some of his directorial skills to make the woman feel more comfortable in front of the camera, but she continued to march down the street with her back turned. Not even running into a couple of doors and a pay phone would stop the woman from walking with a blind eye to the other side of Sunset Blvd.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Paris Hilton Gets Out of Jail [AP]
• Paris Hilton — Free at Last! [TMZ]
• Previously: Paris Hilton To Express Insincere Remorse To Larry King First [Defamer]

• Beatty and Hyde [TMZ]

• Extra [ExtraTV.com]

• JoJo: Hyde's Resident Jailbait [TMZ.com]

So, I'm driving to the office far earlier than usual. As I pass Privilege, I spot Paris Hilton's Mercedes SLR (there are only a few in town, so you notice them... I know the color and the lisc plate because I see it parked in front of her house on Kings Road all the time) parked alone and locked up in the valet parking lot on the North side of Sunset. Could it be our girl is learning? Is it possible that - as leaving Privilege or Hyde (1/2 a block away) at 2:30 - she actually said to a friend "I'm too buzzed on my one cocktail to drink, why don't I leave my $500,000 car here and you can drive me home?" Maybe Elliott Mintz was too tired to walk back from Paris' house and fetch it at 4AM?

It's almost impossible to imagine that Mintz could commit such a flagrant dereliction of his duty to his highest-profile (only?) client by allowing her to leave valuable property relatively attended overnight; we think a much more likely scenario involves Hilton catching a ride home with a prospective sexual partner, asking her much put-upon handler to spend the night asleep in the SLR until she returned from her tryst the next morning.

• Previously: Paris Hilton Charged With DUI; Official Slap On Wrist Next [Defamer]

· In easily the most newsworthy development of the night, TMZ found itself caught in the middle of a fight between general-use celebutard Paris Hilton and semi-famous Dancing with the Stars contestant Shanna Moakler, a shocking episode of Mutually Assured Bimbo Destruction that ended with both filing police reports, and during which at least one weave was tragically sacrificed to Travis Barker's irresistible charms. [TMZ]
· Can Bobby Brown get into Hyde on a Tuesday night? You see this one coming all the way down the Sunset Strip, but we must: Hell to the no. That didn't feel very good. [TMZ]
· In stunning role-reversal between doorman and prospective bar patron, some guy from Prison Break whom we've never heard of (i.e., it wasn't the Human Stain guy) spoke truth to power, telling a bouncer that his shaving habits should keep him on the wrong side of the velvet rope. [TMZ]
· Famous-type people Dave Navarro and Michelle Trachtenberg were allowed entry to the club, as was infamous Paris Hilton nightvision doggystyler Rick Salomon. [TMZ]

• Jeremy Piven Stole My Car! [TMZ.com]

But the real action was happening inside the Sunset Boulevard club, where, sources say, Nicole Richie was getting into the party spirit with her spirit of choice: Tequila! "She was so wasted!" said an attendant, who also said that Ms. Richie's drinking partner, Mary-Kate Olsen, was not doing anything to help the situation. "She was dancing on the tables and then she started giving lap dances to her friends and random guys, too."

And then it happened, under the copper ceiling, amidst the hanging candles. "Nicole puked right on the floor, like right in the middle of the club," said the source. "Everyone saw! But I guess she didn't care. She kept partying."

"She loves tequila," said the source, a friend of Ms. Richie's. "But you know, she's so small—and she probably didn't eat anything that day. So you know, she probably had a couple shots and it just happened. She was just having a good time."

It might seem odd that Richie would act so nonchalant after vomiting in the middle of the club, but as a VIP patron, she knew that a Hyde staffer would quickly alert her if her body had thrown up a critical internal organ after finding no recently consumed food to reject. Hot clubs like Hyde know that if they don't provide that level of service to their cherished celebrity clientele, they'll just take their gilded puke to a more welcoming establishment up the street.

• Letter From L.A.: Nicole Richie Lapdances, Blows Chunks At Ronson Bash [The Transom]
• Previously: Healthy, Glowing Lindsay Lohan Drinks Bottled Spring Water At Hollywood's Most Wholesome Clubhouse [Defamer]

But I think not. Lindsay, the only member of the Star/Us Weekly crowd with a future in acting, looked positively jaunty wearing a little hat when I saw her at L.A.'s hot new club Hyde. This is a place — believe it or not — where young people in the business come to talk and eat chocolate-chip cookies. There's dancing, too, mostly to music from the 1970s and '80s. Last night the crowd was grooving to "Come on Eileen" and "Kids in America."

Hyde is kind of a relief, I think, for Hollywood's young hotties. It's like being in a rich person's really cool den. Nicole Richie, the Olsen twins and members of Maroon 5 made the scene last night, and that was supposed to be a quiet evening. I also ran into the slightly older and very good actor Troy Garity, son of Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden, with his beautiful girlfriend, Simone Bent. They just hosted a fundraiser for Homies Unidos, a new foundation dedicated to ending gang violence, while Troy sat sifting through scripts, looking for his next film. [....]

And Lindsay? She's in love with Harry Morton, son of Hard Rock Caf founder Peter Morton and grandson of Arnie, he of Morton's steak houses. Even though Lindsay was chastised last week by her "Georgia Rule" producer James Robinson, it doesn't seem like it could be for anything other than having her head in the clouds. When I saw her just after midnight, she was carrying a bottle of ... water.

A place where Underage Hollywood congregates to showily chug bottled water in front of sympathetic gossip columnists, and where Slightly Older Hollywood kicks back with a plate of freshly baked cookies (it must have been too dark to notice the milk mustaches) to mull the next move in both their careers and charitable endeavors sounds like paradise, doesn't it? We don't know how Friedman neglected to mention the cardboard box full of abandoned puppies by the club's entrance, from which each patron is encouraged to select a new canine friend on their way out to the valet line. We hear that Lohan adopted two that night, then left a check for $6 million made out to the ASPCA pinned to the collar of the poor, adorable pug she just couldn't fit in her purse.

• Lindsay Lohan Is Alive and Well [Fox 411]

Hyde — Monday night madness... Ok, so it's been a while since I ventured out of my garret bungalow beneath the bouganvilla draped stairs, nestled in West Hollywood, and boy did last night make up for lost time. I saw EVERYONE... well, maybe not everyone, but so many celebs! The nicest actress in the world : January Jones, totally sober, offering to give her buddies a ride home. Smokin' Monica Keena (back to blonde), and her usual male-harem, including Largo performing comic Kevin Seccia, and a tall strawberry blonde producer. The Mo-Ke gang was chillin' while Monica and Kirsten Dunst were having an old home week reunion. When I got back from the ladies' I had the pleasure(?) of seeing Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton (when you get sober, aren't you supposed to cool it with the heiress drinking buddies?) No one yelled 'firecrotch,' so I think it's safe to assume Lindsay wasn't even in the state... Last but not least, Lil' Miss Ragamuffin Mary Kate Olsen. So small, so draped in fabric.

The second report follows after the jump:

Nothing notable at the Roosevelt followed by what I thought would be a dud evening at Hyde. My friend told me to come to the bathroom with her and I almost resisted- when I walked in there she was.. Paris Hilton. I think she's much hotter in person- strikingly so.. wow. I was surprised Paris wasn't super thin- she's skinny but in a normal way. She was with a brunette of similar height/body- but I didn't recognize her. Amanda Demme was there and didn't seem as cold as my previous impressions of her. Kirsten Dunst walked past me and I didn't even notice- my friend had to point her out. On the way out one of the Olsen Twins was looking very emaciated & bag ladylike- grinding with one of the pillars as if it was a poll. I felt like I was watching Jon Benet (minus the makeup/hair) during the talent portion of a pageant- it just felt wrong!

Bonus roll call of famous-type people at Hyde on Friday night:

Brett Ratner, Nick, Jessica, Olsen Sister + Chris Rock + Kato Kaelin @ Hyde last night...it was the caricature night — fucking kato kaelin sighting made my night.

• Swinging Producers Ready To Shoot Fame-Seeking Fish In Tiny Nightclub Barrel [Defamer]
• Great Moments In Velvet Rope History: Hyde Turns Away Obnoxious Billionaire [Defamer]

"Not tonight, Brandon," was the verdict on Saturday from doorman at the nightclub Hyde. "What are you talking about?" said Mr. Davis, according to an onlooker. Mr. Davis had, among others, his brother and Sonia Kinski, daughter of Nastassja, in tow. The doorman said it again. "Not tonight, Brandon. Tonight's not your night." "He was shocked," said the onlooker, who was in line behind Mr. Davis. "This might have been the first time someone has ever told him no." But also: "What the fuck do they care what he says about Lindsay's vagina? The guy's a billionaire."

We're not sure if sins have since been forgiven and Davis allowed back in the club, but for one, shining night on a sidewalk in Hollywood, the message was clear: Slander a good customer's genitalia, and you will receive a time out no matter how much money your relatives have left you. Unless you're a really important person in the industry, in which case: Come on in and we'll make sure we keep that firecrotch on the other side of the room.

• The Transom: L.A. Nights: Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis [NY Observer]

Brian Grazer doesn't seem to be in any hurry to patch things up with his estranged wife, Gigi. The "Da Vinci Code" producer has been cruising the L.A. night with swinging single Steve Bing. They entertained a bevy of young things at Hyde the other night ...

We trust that anyone inclined to use this information to increase their chances of a private, bathroom stall audition doesn't need to be told to suppress the urge to expel a mouthful of Grey Goose upon hearing the pick-up lines, "I can make Opie make you a star," or "Liz Hurley still brags about the way I knocked her up."

• Surveillance (third item) [Rush & Molloy]