Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
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• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
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• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
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• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

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• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
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• On Monday night, Hugh Grant is seen making out with Drew Barrymore at Waverly Inn. She later turns up at Beatrice alone. On Tuesday night, Grant makes out with two women at a Meatpacking District spot, then just up and walks out. He's either trying to prove something or trying to sexually frustrate himself.
• Los Angeles police are supposedly investigating whether Chris Brown has a long history of abusing Rihanna. Like, why did she wear that eye patch? [Sun]
• Brown's mom is still talking to him. And at least one cousin is defending him, saying, "it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it."
• In 1979, 20-year-old Madonna worked as a nude photo model for maybe $25. One of those pictures just sold for $38,000. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps refuses to take $1 million for an interview, because that would be wrong. And also because it would, uh, endanger his $100 million in projected lifetime endorsements. [P6]
• Benazir Bhutto's niece Fatima, 26, is not sure whether to continue her secret affair with George Clooney, 47, by going to Hollywood as he requests, or be an actual political leader in Pakistan. What's a girl to do? [Mail]
• Do not look at this picture of the octuplet mom's distended belly from the height of her pregnancy. [TMZ]

After the jump: Advantage, SAG!

· SAG is playing "hot potato" with the strike issue: They've asked for a federal mediator, putting off a strike-approval vote and essentially placing the ball back into the producers' court. Variety's apostrophes, meanwhile, are in Day 18 of their little-known Firefox-only labor stoppage, crippling the world's leading trade paper until editor Peter Bart agrees to to their demands for better working conditions in his rough drafts. [Variety, THR]
· A.C.O.D. (Adult Children of Divorce), a divorce comedy feature from two Daily Show writers, is being developed by Miramax. [THR]
· A long Jets-Raiders game gave CBS the win last night, edging out ABC's Desperate-led lineup. [Variety]

There's got to be a buddy movie in here somewhere, maybe one where they go on the lam in the Himalayas, disguising themselves as Tibetan monks in an attempt to get the Dalai Lama to issue a public plea for their pardons. Also: They fall in love with the same woman. And just in the interest of getting this thing made—Will Ferrell plays the Dalai Lama. We think we have a winner here.

• India May Arrest Richard Gere Over Kiss [AP]
• Hugh Grant Arrested on Assault Charge [AP]

Sources close to the actor said there was no blow-up that precipitated his decision, nor dissatisfaction with the job the agency had done. Rather, the notoriously selective actor simply wondered why he needed an agency. [...]

Grant, who isn't expected to sign with another agency, has decided to let the work find him and is keeping on an attorney to make his deals.

Even though Grant isn't jilting them for a competitor, CAA won't passively accept the loss of two commission generators in such rapid succession. As we speak, elite members of their Talent Retention Division are being dispatched to the homes and places of work of every name on their roster, where they'll calmly remind each individual of the many amenities the agency offers its loyal clients, such as their unparalleled, "We'd really hate to see anything happen to that cute daughter of yours after the nanny suddenly decides to take a fistful of your Vicodin" service.

• Grant drops CAA to fly solo [Variety]