• Howard TV

Still, her tenuous grasp on the memory is understandable, as proven when Stern and Co. continue to quiz her about presidential candidates (asked Obama's first name, she carefully answers, "'Barack' or something?"), forcing an overwhelmed Hogan to cry out, "There's too many friggin' people in office!" Perhaps that would explain the blank she draws when asked the name of the current Vice President? The answer, dear Brooke, is "Dick Cheney," and it's as plain as the nose on your face (which, if you're not careful, Mr. Cheney will shoot off). [Howard Stern]

Artie Lange, who's long overindulged with drugs and drink, was scheduled to attend close pal Bob Saget's Comedy Central roast on Sunday night, but never made it to LA. Instead, he checked himself into an intensive outpatient rehab program. A source said Lange "felt awful for not being there for Bob, but needed to make his health a priority."

...Meanwhile, teen star Shia LaBeouf may also be headed to rehab. LaBeouf broke his hand in a car accident last week and while it was not his fault, he was charged with DUI, his second arrest since November. Rehab can lead to reduced charges. "Judges like to see it," said a source. His rep would only say, "Right now, we're focusing on Shia's hand."

Fortunately for Shia's rep, there's a little less to focus on now. Still, allow us to express our best wishes to Lange in rehab — in fact, he probably dodged a bullet by entering when he did. It can't have been an easy decision to miss the Bob Saget roast, but after watching this clip of Cloris Leachman coming onto John Stamos, we're about to seek mental help ourselves.

• REHAB FOR STERN SIDEKICK [Page Six]

"I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,"

"I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this."

"If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

We think there's another way: A brokered Stern/Parton peace accord, negotiated by us, an utterly unbiased third party, who just happens to possess a stack of vinyl, DVDs, 8x10 glossies, saved ticket stubs to Dollywood, and menus from the tragically short-lived Planet Fartman restaurant chain in dire need of autographing. We beg of you—let the healing commence, before the proprietor of Kenny Rogers Roasters has his reputation sullied any further by intimations that he's the World's Greatest Chickenhawk.

• Parton "shocked" at Howard Stern radio segment [Reuters]

It goes without saying that we are all very concerned for Artie's well-being at the moment. His recent appearances on Conan O'Brien and the Donny Deutsch Show were clear indications that all is not well in Artie's world, particularly on the substance abuse front. And with the show going on a scheduled weeklong hiatus, it's safe to say that the guys over at Artie Lange Deathwatch will be constantly monitoring Lange's behavior for the next 10 or so days. Here's hoping that Artie is able to hold it together and refrain from going on the kind of bender that felled the likes of Belushi and Farley. We're pulling for you Artie.

Here's the audio of this morning's meltdown Sorry, the original audio we posted here was removed. But thanks to commenter cockfightbarmitzvah, you can now listen to the audio below in the comment section.

• Listen: Artie Lange Quits Howard Stern Audio [Popcrunch]

"The only thing I injected her with was my fist," he joked. He also claimed Brigitte Nielsen was one of the "least crazy" women he's dated and that saucy redhead Angie Everhart was demented. Stern, who also dated Everhart, said she is "very nice."

Among the other topics of conversation: The Richard Gere gerbil rumor (apparently untrue, with Gere "desperate" to find its source); and a rundown of roles Stallone turned down over the years (Superman, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard, and Witness—phew). But it was the parade of unzipped ladies who stole his heart that took up the majority of the interview, with Dickinson in particularly leaving a bas taste in his mouth. Could these same bitter adversaries have ever been tender lovers, spending their nights shaving each other's bodies, slathering one another in cocoa butter, and flexing side-by-side in a floor-length mirror to the blaring music of C+C Music Factory? To listen to them now, it's almost impossible to believe.

• SLY SPOUTS OFF [NY Post]
• Stallone's fury at ex-love Janice Dickinson's steroid claims [Daily Mail]

Tina said the hosts are usually great, but every couple of years you get a bad one - like Paris Hilton who was a "piece of shit"! Tina didn't hold back on how much she and the cast hated Paris. We transcribed some of her hilarious comments...

· She said Paris had "the hair of Fraggle", and left "nasty wads of Barbie hair on the floor" from her "cheap weave"!

· Tina caught Paris's giant man hands and said they were as long as her forearm.

· Paris actually takes herself seriously and "embraces her stupidity".

· She asked them to write a skit so she could play Jessica Simpson "because I hate her" "she's fat".

· Paris was so uninterested in anyone else the staff had a bet to see if she would ask anyone something personal (like "how are you")

Considering Fey is one of TV's most successful writers, we found her likening of the internationally regarded hotel heiress and fragrance mogul to a "piece of shit" to be somewhat prosaic, and a far cry, for example, from the lyrical heights of the anonymous internet wordsmith who once compared Hilton to a "fart in a mitten." Still, there's something refreshing in knowing that all those intimate asides shared during the show's closing credits aren't always friendly, and that what Rachel Dratch, the repertory's go-to player for prepubescent boy roles, was probably whispering into Hilton's ear under that sleepy saxophone solo was a sentiment along the lines of, "For the tenth time—I know Rachel is a girl's name, you fucking moron. I am a girl."

• Tina Fey on why Paris Hilton sucks [CityRag]

When Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.” [...]

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.” [...]

Because of the number of A-Listers on Wilmer’s list of sexual partners, Howard asked him if he’s well-endowed. Wilmer responded that he’s “been blessed” in that department, before saying that his penis is more than eight inches long.

And here we were accepting at face value that Valderrama ascended to the King of A-list Poontang throne by remaining "grounded and grateful for his success." Little did we realize the success he was so humbly referring to had nothing to do with his career, and everything to do with the blushed whispers shared between Hollywood starlets about the oversized dimensions of his Venezuelan man-trophy.

• FROM VENEZUELA TO STARDOM [HowardStern.com]
• Previously: Valderrama, Audiences Face Challenge With His Role In CHiPs [Defamer]

— "I believe you are working for one of the biggest jerks on the planet," Stern tells Letterman. "You've worked for jerks and bullies who hide behind their press agents. Les Moonves is a bully."

— Stern: "I'm not going to let Les Moonves do to me what he did to Dan Rather." He also suggests that Moonves fired former "60 Minutes" executive producer Don Hewitt.

— When Letterman brings up Moonves' success at CBS, Stern shoots back: "Don't defend him. He'll sue you next."

— Referring to Moonves' past acting career, Stern says: "CBS took a third-rate 'Love Boat' actor and made him CEO."

In Moonves' defense, if history had worked out differently and a first-rate Love Boat actor like Bernie "Doc" Koppell had ascended to the CBS throne instead, we doubt he would've had the balls to come after Stern like this. Next up: Moonves retaliates by sending a network page to kneecap Artie Lange.

• Stern to Letterman: CBS Will Sue You Next [LAT Channel Island]
• Previously: Clash Of The Media Titans: Les Moonves Vs. Howard Stern [Defamer]

As for the idea that he promoted Sirius on his show to the detriment of CBS, Mr. Stern said he had cleared with the top CBS radio executive, Joel Hollander, his intentions to talk on the air about moving to satellite radio while never specifically mentioning the name Sirius. He added that his show was equipped with delay buttons that could cut off his commentary at any time and CBS did not chose to exercise that option when he discussed his future. Mr. Stern did concede that CBS suspended him for one day because of concerns of how he was promoting the shift to Sirius.

Mr. Stern said he met with Mr. Moonves recently to ask why the suit was being contemplated and that Mr. Moonves told him, "I'm the one who kept you on the air and I knew I could sue you afterwards."

Quite frankly, if Stern's story is true, we're incredibly disappointed in Moonves—whom we still believe will one day hold the deeds to all of our souls— for making such a rookie, evil mastermind mistake. He's been in the business of destroying his rivals long enough to know not to reveal his nefarious plans until after the saw blade has messily bifurcated his bound, helpless foe.

• CBS Radio Sues Stern for Breach of Contract [NYT]

This is not to say the show skirted bathroom humor topics that have drawn cries of indecency from conservative groups in recent years. In fact, one of the first show's running jokes revolved around a present Kimmel gave to Carolla for Christmas: a bidet-like toilet device that shoots out a jet of warm water to the appropriate body areas.

"You never felt fresher as a man," said Carolla.

No, it's not Anal Ring Toss or the loving, short-range projectile application of bologna to a stripper's supple hindquarters, but at least it's free. Not that we want Carolla to be Stern, but a little cold-cut play to smooth the transition wouldn't hurt.

• Carolla takes the shock jock guard [LAT]