If today - February 16 - is your birthday: "Best Actor in a Leading Role" - Keeping up appearances is difficult, but your ability to persevere in that sham relationship deserves commendation. Your girlfriend thinks you're building up to a marriage proposal, but in actuality your agent is already testing the waters for the roles you get after you come out of the closet.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): "Best Actress in a Leading Role" - Your lease ends this month and your last day of work is Friday, and you're worried about where you and your beloved beagle will be living come March 1st. It's time to suck up your pride and call your parents. It will be hard to pretend like you miss them and love them, but that's why that MFA from Yale Drama is useful.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): "Best Cinematography" - The picture is grainy and the focus isn't precise, but that video of the Head of Television Programming - West Coast getting blown by his assistant in the parking garage could be the boost your career needs. Don't put it on YouTube or Facebook, just send it to his wife.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): "Academy Honorary Award" - While your lifetime is not nearly over, you have already achieved enough to deserve this special honor. Using only the connections provided by your divorce lawyer uncle, you are now a high-ranking creative executive despite your lack of ideas, previous successes or attention to personal grooming. What started as a non-existent dream is now a high-paying job you could care less about.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): "Best Actor in a Supporting Role" - No one is more tired of the bar scene than you, but your best friend is still scrounging up tail seven nights a week. Though it's expensive and boring, rolling with your buddy to the clubs helps him look more important and gives you great anecdotes like "My friend hooked up with some chick from Danity Kane last night."

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): "Best Writing (Original Screenplay)" - It's important to know a good idea when you hear one, and your friend's story about his dad escaping from an abusive family life, living on the road and eventually rising to become one of the most lauded school principals in the country was too good to pass up. He wasn't going to write it any time soon, so you took the initiative — and his idea. You can't buy a Maserati Quattroporte with friendship.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): "Best Foreign Language Film" - After testing and re-editing your movie over a dozen times, the audience still doesn't connect with its humor. There's no time to recast, rewrite or reshoot, so figure out a way to make some money back, possibly by dubbing it into a nonsensical German translation. They love that quirky shit in Bavaria.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): "Best Picture" - The career of Edward Furlong, a fellow Leo, gives you hope this week. Now that Mickey Rourke is back and Britney has lost the weight, it's time for you to step into the spotlight. If the roles aren't coming your way, a well-timed paparazzi sighting - nude or saving an endangered animal, if possible - will get you back in the glossy pages and on the radar of producers around town.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): "Best Sound Editing" - It's hard to concentrate with the phone on one ear and an agent screaming in the other, and when the worst happens, you need to just apologize and try not to cry. That script was sent via messenger, you got that part right, but it needed to go to powerful animation mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg, not beloved animation actor John Ratzenberger.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): "Best Documentary Short" - You started out to make a groundbreaking documentary feature about the exploitation of migrant workers, but the money and ambition ran out and you're left with 20 minutes of uncut interview footage. Get it printed, slap some titles on there, and give it a catchy name. Most film festivals don't even watch the screeners they receive.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): "Best Actress in a Supporting Role" - It's difficult to be living your dreams of writing for a television drama and then come home to your unemployed roommates who are still trying to get their chance. Instead of talking about how exciting it is to see your words on-screen, pretend like your job is terrible, the hot writers assistant is an idiot and the free meals are terrible (even though they are amazing). Your friends will smile and you will feel better because you will be able to move out and buy a condo in a couple of months.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): "Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay)" - Original work is difficult, and there's nothing wrong with finding a pre-existing story that can be made into a film, but you might want to try harder than adapting an already made film. No one will want to make Steve Scissorhands.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): "Best Makeup" - Getting the attention of the higher-ups at the office is the only way to get ahead, but quit decorating your face like a harlot. Your script coverage is outstanding, everyone knows you are a diligent worker, and besides, your breasts are huge, so exploit those.

If today - February 2 - is your birthday: You kept an ironic distance from the Super Bowl by mocking the brutality of American football at every turn, but that didn't prevent your stomach from tightening when the game got close in the fourth quarter. Was it the excitement of playoff action twisting you up inside or the sudden realization that you are probably never going to accomplish your directing dreams? The stars say both.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): So what if Saturday Night Live turned your quest to expand your family and spread as much love as possible into a punchline, you are a caring mother who wants to use her good fortune to bring happiness to children everywhere. Besides, no matter how large your brood gets, you'll never be as creepy as that octuplets lady.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Most people hate their jobs, but your work as a script supervisor is quite enjoyable: No one messes with you, the director is really nice, and you even have a little crush on that assistant editor. The only thing that could make this better is if you were getting paid. Oh, and if you weren't a script supervisor for large cheerleader fetish porns.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): The song says that "it never rains in Southern California" but that doesn't keep LA from being a pretty dreary place for an unemployed assistant. Get your mind off your mounting credit card bills with a trip to Disneyland. The festive atmosphere, fun rides and flask of bourbon in your pocket will chase your cares away.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): It's already February and the year is flying by. You should have started that epic screenplay and lost at least a pound by now, but don't be discouraged. Get your life organized this week and make yourself a writing and exercise schedule. The odds are low of you actually following through on those items, but your friends will think you really have your shit together.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Mutability is common characteristic of Geminis and your ability to adapt yourself has helped you rise up the studio ladder. There are a few more rungs on the ladder left, and to ascend those you'll need to muster all your powers of flexibilty in the boardroom and the bedroom.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The career of your astrological signmate Carly Simon will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Your body of work is tremendous, but your biggest hit and its coy subject matter will dog you throughout your career and make normal human interaction nearly impossible as everyone wants to know the answer to the same burning question: Why do you write so many lame movie soundtrack songs?

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Fragile self-esteem is a pretty standard attribute for anyone looking to make it in Hollywood, but you need to toughen up. Even famous actors and actresses screw up auditions all the time, though their auditions are usually for leading roles, not server jobs at Kung Pao Kitty.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You've dealt with significant recent adversity, but please stop comparing your plight to that of Jennifer Hudson. She experienced an unthinkable family tragedy and still performed at the Super Bowl. All you did was lose your iPhone.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): Is your work life starting to affect your sex life? Ask yourself that question this week and see if any revealing answers emerge. If you don't come to any conclusions, continue banging your assistant and don't sweat it.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): With a new batch of layoffs at the agency, you are handling more clients than ever. It's a lot to have on your plate and you are spending less time at home, but don't worry: You'll be making more deals and increasing your profile and wealth, which will buy you at least three more years of that sham marriage.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Congress can't pass that stimulus bill soon enough, but don't count your chickens before they're hatched. President Obama will be helping the country, but it's doubtful that his stimulus bill includes a sweet creative executive position for you. Get ready to build some roads.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): That cross-country move to Los Angeles took a lot out of you, but you shouldn't waste any valuable networking time. Call up your old college roommate and email family friend to set up some lunch dates. While their advice will not help all that much and they'll be reluctant to actually help you in a tangible way, it would be nice to eat something that didn't come in a jar.

If today - January 26 - is your birthday: You're tired and hungover after just getting home from a SAG Awards after party, but the glory of last night and the smell of victory will remain for days. You may not have won any awards, but that coat room make-out session with Dev Patel will take a prominent position on your shelf for years to come.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Having doors slammed in one's face is nothing new for an young actor, but maybe that means it's time to go back to school. There's nothing wrong with getting a Masters Degree, especially when it enhances your craft and gives you the health insurance to deal with that nagging pain in your left ventricle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The career of Daniel Craig, a fellow Pisces, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Maybe you're not an international action star and sex symbol yet, but at least you know that your European films filled with shots of your junk and your ass won't prevent you from taking your career to the next level.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It's time to plan your spring break. Before you decide on a destination, ask yourself a few questions: Should I do a five- or seven-night package? Do I want an ocean view suite or a cheaper room by the pool? Is being a 55 year-old millionaire producer trying to score college co-eds really pathetic, or is it the essence of the American dream?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Money is tight, but take a leap of faith and get in on the agency's Super Bowl pool. You might be a female temp who does not understand the rules of football or how sports betting functions, but when you win half the pot you'll receive the positive and negative attention required to get ahead in this business.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Sometimes you feel like you are stuck on a metaphorical island, geographically isolated but completely surrounded by treacherous waters. If that wasn't enough, you have questions about your role on the island, about the island's role in your life and about your ability to trust the other inhabitants of that island. Moreover, there are mysterious forces at work that affect your life in new ways each year. Yeah, you watch way too much Lost.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Late night infomercials are a scary trap for an out-of-work assistant. The promises of an easier life through strange consumer products is appealing but half of the time those items are junk and end up in the bottom of your closet. Either way, you should probably stop fantasizing about the ShamWow guy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Hollywood is a tough town, but it's a good thing you have your brother with you. He'll help you through the tough times and will always be there for you when you need him. Sure, he's the Ron and you're the Clint Howard in this situation, but getting pussy by association is better than no pussy at all.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Networks are looking for cheap alternatives to expensive scripted programming so put your thinking cap on and get to work. Make a list of shows that are on television or in development and then find something new and crazy that no one's ever done. Or just go to Hyde Lounge with one of the Deal Or No Deal chicks. You can just rip-off some Japanese show tomorrow.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): It's hard to watch a loved one leave your life, but there's no reason to get suicidal. Spending years of your life in devotion shows commitment, so have a good cry and get over it. Wicked may not be playing LA anymore, but Phantom of the Opera easily lends itself to creepy fanboys like you.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): It's a bummer that your film was snubbed by the Academy, no one is saying it's not. You helped produce a movie that elevated the art of the superhero genre and raised the bar for Hollywood spectacle and you deserve to be recognized with at least a Best Picture nom. What's done is done, so sleep easy on your mattress filled with Dark Knight money.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Friends are your most important asset in these times of economic strife. Keep those investments strong by planning a girl's night for the ladies at your film financing company. You'll be able to leave your work at the office, let loose and concentrate on maximizing the R.O.I. for the capital you're injecting into that particular sector of your life.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Life is full of trying experiences, and after seeing Slumdog Millionaire over the weekend, the stars are telling you that it might be necessary to get a little dirty to get the writing career you desire. While we doubt they mean you should jump into a puddle full of excrement to get close to your dreams, we're pretty sure it would get you past CAA's security.

If today - January 19 - is your birthday: The snowy slopes of Park City aren't exactly melting from the heat generated by your indie comedy, but hold strong, a buyer will materialize eventually. It won't be the bidding war you hoped for, but $20,000 is a pretty fair price given the film's lack of star power, heart or original humor.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Tomorrow is Inauguration Day, and while you couldn't make it to Washington for the festivities, you will be starting your own new position here in Los Angeles. In addition to faithfully executing the duties the studio has assigned, you will vow to preserve, protect and defend your right to use that casting director position to scare up tail.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): It doesn't happen often in Hollywood, but someone else's success will directly benefit you this week. With Paul Blart: Mall Cop owning the box office, your half-assed pitch about an overweight, clumsy Vons security guard suddenly has all kinds of traction.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): You have a milestone birthday coming up, and instead of your usual weekend of binge drinking, thick coke rails and immediately forgotten hook-ups, why not work for one of those organizations that builds houses for needy people? You'll feel better about yourself, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition will look good on your CV.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Sometimes it feels like your mind is tearing you in all different directions - one moment you are as horny as a teenager and the next you are swearing like a trucker. Is life imitating art à la United States of Tara? No, you're just going through menopause, so for everyone at the agency's sake, please get some hormone therapy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The Screen Actors Guild leadership is divided on whether to vote for a strike, but you are clearly in favor of pulling out of negotiations to get higher wages. While this might be at odds with your moderate-leaning peers, they don't have to worry about your vote because you haven't paid dues since your two-episode arc on ALF.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): The career of Lauryn Hill, your fellow Gemini, will show you a possible, but not suggested lifepath this week. Though your limited body of work is strong, and you have made attempts to return to the spotlight, you are starting to enter weirdness territory. Produce something significant soon or risk being permanently compared to Axl Rose.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Everyone knows that work sucks, but you need to hold onto your editing job at that struggling production company. Start coming in earlier, leaving later, being more efficient with your time, and stop dressing as a different Watchmen character every day of the week. Just the body-painted Doctor Manhattan get-up was way more than grounds for termination.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Ever since your assistant accepted that pay cut, she has been more bitter and lethargic than normal. Reward her loyalty by letting her get something for herself when she picks up your lunch. You'll look like a nice boss, and she'll have enough energy to roll calls for seven more hours.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Today we memorialize Martin Luther King, Jr., who gave his impassioned "I have a dream" speech that inspired generations of Americans to choose equality over hatred. Coincidentally, you also have a dream, but as it involves management and negotiating skills you could never hope to possess, you should probably keep that ambition to open up your own talent agency to yourself.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): Libra is governed by the Seventh House, but it's your home that preoccupies you this week. The studio might be paying you good money to shoot scenes all over the house and backyard, but when your property is forever known as "where the Bromance contestants lived," you might see a drop in resale value.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Shooting a film in 3-D can be expensive, but it will make the audience enjoy your work on a more visceral level. While it's been a struggle to find ways to work in projectiles and bodily fluids flying at the audience, it will all pay off in the end when critics label your adaptation of Pride & Prejudice "groundbreaking."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Not to scare you, but your economic difficulties are only going to worsen over the next two years. This doesn't mean you should give up the acting dream, however. Continue to audition and keep your voice and body in-shape, just make sure to find a low-carb bread line.

If today - January 5 - is your birthday: There is no need to do a Jett Travolta bit during your set at the Comedy Store this Friday. The audience will know that you are an edgy, pull-no-punches comic based on your opening bit about your grandparents having anal sex.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Even though your pilot wasn't ordered to series, there's no reason to be sad. No one knows what exactly is behind a network's decision, though they probably made their choice based on a confusing storyline, unsympathetic characters and extremely poor testing scores.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Don't get us wrong, you do look good in that Facebook photo album you posted over the weekend, but keep those photos private. It's cute when you and your friends do silly lesbian stuff for the camera, but when that real lesbian in Human Resources checks out your profile, you probably won't be getting that development assistant position.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The weather outside might be chilly, but your romantic relationship couldn't be hotter. The sex is great, the conversation is intelligent and everything is pretty much perfect. Sure, you'll dump her the second you have any semblance of fame, but that's her problem.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): The career of David Hyde Pierce, a fellow Aries, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Your solid resume of mainstream and indie stage and screen roles will ensure you a lifetime of recognition from fans, although after seeing you in public, your admirers will immediately report to their friends that you looked sickly.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Don't worry, your film will eventually find a distributor, it just might take longer that you thought. It was disappointing that you couldn't get it out in time for 2008 awards consideration, but Nazi guilt movies are evergreen.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): All celebrity parents want their children to be unique, but you might have gone too far this time. Even though there's a cute story behind it, there's no reason to name your son after an item on the Chipotle menu.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Awards season is here and everyone has a theory about who should win. That's all well and good, but stop telling all of your co-workers that Richard Jenkins is your "sleeper pick" for Best Actor. The only thing worse than someone who has to give everyone her opinion is having to listen to it again over the cubicle wall.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Don't be discouraged about your weak writing skills. They say that true mastery is only achieved after 10,000 hours of practice, and though you've only been working at it for thirty minutes, your screenplay is already marginally better.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): It was a great Holiday season for you, gift-wise. You got everything you wanted: Blackberry Storm smartphone, MacBook Pro computer and some spending cash from your grandparents. But that New Year's Eve make-out session with Brody Jenner? That's the greatest gift of all.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): You were a distracted executive assistant in 2008 and you need to regain your boss's trust. Bury the past and move forward, and don't forget to pick-up his cat's medicine or you'll be paying for another pet cemetery plot.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Among your group of friends, you have always fashioned yourself as the Randy Jackson, a consensus-builder with a level head and a gregarious nature. Sadly, you have been wrong: You are the the over-the-top rude, unnecessarily critical Simon Cowell. Still, It's better than being the Paula.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You think too much with your head and not enough with your heart. Common sense says that the financials for your studio show a company deeply in the red with no chance for recovery during a period of economic contraction, but your heart wants you to keep the doors open so your employees can make a living. Screw your heart, all it got you was three divorces and two bypass surgeries.

If today - December 29 - is your birthday: Your list of resolutions is ambitious - get a new job, drop 20 pounds, quit smoking, drink less - and we applaud you for your determination. Ironically, your other goals will be undone by an awesome new publicist position that requires you to eat three lunches a day, manage stress with nicotine, and basically replace your blood with free cocktails from celebrity fragrance launch parties.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Self-discipline and adherence to principles is a difficult but eventually satisfying path to success. Create a strict schedule for your writing, only associate with individuals who have your best interests in mind, and make all of your food in a rice cooker. It's a spartan existence, but Roger Ebert gives it a thumbs up.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Greet the New Year with a smile, because a lot of sadness awaits you in '09. Your commercial directing services will not be in demand, your girlfriend will dump you, and, worst of all, your hair will start thinning. We're not sure how to deal with the first two problems, but given your lack of income, a hat might be a smart investment.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): While your blogging is important, it can't take the place of actual artistic output. Either fully embrace your inner Courtney Love and become a professional diatribist, or get back in the studio and record some new tracks. No matter which alternative you choose, continue to do drugs and behave erratically.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Take the plunge this year. No, don't propose to your long-suffering, anxiously-awaiting girlfriend. Instead, use that three-month's salary to make a self-aggrandizing documentary about your journey to personal enlightenment through surfing. No one wants to plan a wedding, anyway.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): How do you top the personal victories you achieved in 2008? Keep doing the things that won you those battles: coopt the ideas of others, lie as often as possible, blame everyone at the studio except yourself, and attack anything that gets in your way. You might be just a PA, but you're learning a pattern of behavior that will serve you throughout life.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): The big 10-year high school reunion is in November, and you need to achieve something significant before then. It's too late to get a script produced or become a big-time lawyer, but getting a cellphone pic with Colin Firth would be better than nothing.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Fame is just outside your grasp, you just need to reach a little further. Stop auditioning for pointless sitcom arcs and cutting room floor film roles. You are good-looking and unbalanced enough to be a reality TV star.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Forget about the disaster that was 2008. You are moving forward, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and as long as you ask, believe, and receive, good things will happen. It's too bad The Secret won't be able to fix your fan belt in two weeks.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): It's been five years in Los Angeles without much success, but if you listen to the stars, they'll tell you that this is your year. Will you finally get promoted to a full agent? Is there a sweet development position in the cards? Probably not, they were just being nice.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): The acting career of Will Smith, a fellow Libra-ite (Libriegan? Librarian?), will show you the ideal lifepath this year. Your status as a box-office draw is unquestioned, but your ability to push morality plays will be undercut by the economic downturn. In this dark time, America wants you to go back to your roots: PG-rated rap songs, cop bromances, and fighting aliens instead of vaguely supporting a vague religion that vaguely revolves around aliens.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): The lies have to stop in 2009. Sure, that time you spent studying at Shakespeare's Globe Theatre in London was amazing and helped deepen your understanding of your craft, but it's been six years and you are still faking that British accent you "picked up" during the six-week seminar. You are from Weehawken, New Jersey, for God's sake.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): This is the year you commit to a green lifestyle. Don't flush after you pee, switch to compact flourescent light bulbs, and get rid of that gas-guzzling Hummer H2 for the gas-sipping H3. It gets slightly better gas mileage and the sluts you usually pull at the clubs won't know the difference.

If today - December 22 - is your birthday: [Power animal: Griffith Park coyote] The holidays are a time for comfort foods and stuffing yourself silly while relaxing with the family. However, pilot season's coming up and with parts for thin, blonde actresses at a premium, you might want to think twice about "keeping" that ham and mashed potatoes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): [Power animal: Beaver] You know the lay-offs at your studio are inevitable, but you have options, too. You can file for unemployment, ask your friends if there are any openings at their offices, or you can put the expensive pity gifts your boss gave you on eBay. Sure, they were a generous gesture, but that Kindle is worth like $400.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): [Power animal: Feral cat] The acting & filmmaking career of Edward Burns, a fellow Aquarian, illuminates the ideal lifepath this week. Though your career is dotted with insubstantial roles in mainstream crap like The Holiday and 27 Dresses, you use those checks to finance your own films. That is the very definition of suffering for your art.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): [Power animal: Pink's chili dog] Book some time in your calendar to count your blessings: a thriving client roster, beautiful Lake Hollywood home, good friends, your second assistant continuing your sexual affair but deciding not to keep the baby.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): [Power animal: Flamingo] Despite having meager talent and owing all of your success to favors called in by your executive producer boyfriend, it's about time you took a dominant role in your relationship. Wait. No, it's not time to do that. You do not want to go back to Omaha.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): [Power animal: Cute mouse] A screening of The Tale of Despereaux changes your life, as you realize that it isn't the story of the film that matters, but the quality of the animation and the caliber of the celebrity voices. The doors to success are now wide open.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): [Power animal: Poison frog] Viral videos are a rough game, and the holiday clip you cut has barely cracked 100 hits on YouTube. Don't waste your time trying to promote it further. The moment is lost, and your boss at J.Crew doesn't like you using your laptop on the sales floor.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): [Power animal: Paris Hilton's dog] Every time a bell rings, another angel gets his wings, as the old saying goes. Fuck that. The only bell you hear is the one on your boss's miniature schnauzer that keeps shitting in your editing room.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): [Power animal: Vilanchosaurus] A lie is only bad if it can be proven. Your family doesn't even know where Los Angeles is, let alone the difference between your position as a writer's assistant and an actual writer. Just fudge it, you'll feel better about yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): [Power animal: Cocaine] Your heavy drinking is justified this week, as someone beat you to the pitch that was going to make your career. What are the odds that two people would have the same Sex and the City-meets-werewolves idea? Probably about 1 in 3.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): [Power animal: Salmon avocado roll] Leo is your enemy this week, especially when his film Revolutionary Road steals your thunder with regional film critics association and Lukas Haas cancels your Christmas plans because Leo gave him Lakers floor seats.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): [Power animal: Hummus] True talent is lurking around every corner in Los Angeles, so when the valet at La Poubelle leaves a copy of his script in your Porsche, don't ignore it. Take it home, read it, and then have a good laugh — not at the jokes in his flaccid dark comedy, but at his presumption that people might care about his art.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): [Power animal: Beaver] As you get older, it seems your behavior is only becoming more juvenile and immature. Despite your embrace of this trend, your self-dubbed reverse-Benjamin Button-syndrome is not nearly as winning as Brad Pitt's transformation, nor is it as artfully shot and directed.

If today - December 15 - is your birthday: With the Screen Actors Guild fracturing down the middle, you will find yourself similarly torn between the ancient Greek muses of tragedy and comedy. While it would be tragic for your acting brethren to receive anything less than what they deserve, it’s comic to think a new contract impacts someone with as little talent/potential as you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Passing out holiday cards to your production company subordinates was a nice gesture. But it was immediately undercut by the lack of a personalized message: “Happy Holidays, Former Employee. Please clear out your personal items by the end of business today.”

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Your penchant for spur of the moment witticisms and acerbic comebacks could get you in trouble today. Just remember that life is not one big Apatow production, and an extended riff on female private parts will not endear you to that West Hollywood policewoman.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Images are the way you communicate with the world, and your pursuit of the perfect shot this week will finally reach its blissful apex. Sure, no one will remember who snapped that grainy long-lensed photo of Jessica Biel sunbathing topless while on vacation, but your mastery of the paparazzic arts will be complete.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): It always feels good to be nominated for awards, especially the knowledge that your peers recognize your important contributions to the cinematic arts. Granted, your self-financed story of overcoming child abuse in the Warsaw ghetto won’t get any noms, we’re just saying, is all.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): A swim in the ocean or a brief rain shower will do little to drown your sorrows after five days of work on that low-budget straight-to-DVD mafia thriller ends up on the cutting room floor. Just take solace that you got to work with Stephen Baldwin and one of the dudes from The Hills.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You did the responsible thing by reducing the size and scope of the agency’s holiday office party. It sent the right message for these tough economic times and by pocketing the savings, you were able to afford to hire a third house boy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Planetary energies collide this month, so do your best to ignore the friction in the air around you. That being said, you probably shouldn’t ignore the threats against your life made by the Second A.D. He once attacked Donald Faison with a battery pack.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): When the studio head asks you to house-sit for him while he goes to St. Barts over Christmas, weigh your options before you give him an answer. On one hand, you haven't been home in a while and your parents are excited to spend a few days reviving family traditions. But let's be real, your parents don't have cable, you burned all your bridges with your high school friends, and using that Beverly Hills mansion wisely could end your sexual dry spell.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): The career of Matt LeBlanc, a fellow Leo, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Even though your friends consider you to be of a lower order of intelligence, your true blue, fun-loving personality will result in success with female day players.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Even though you’re known for being an over-protective show-runner, the stars instruct you to hand over the reins this week. Not only will you have time to unwind, but the stars have a contact pretty high up at network who thinks that your once-fresh creative vision has become stale.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): If you can maintain the structure of your energy system, you will have more time to work on creative projects this week. Now, if you could only get a handle on the structure of your middle school vampire romance feature spec, you might be able to someday move off your cousin's futon.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): You love to win and get immense satisfaction from knowing you bested all challengers. Unfortunately, this means your upcoming defeat in the mailroom's Biggest Loser finale pool will totally ruin your day.

If today - December 8 - is your birthday: Sure, the Washington DC Area Film Critics Association liked Slumdog Millionaire, but it's the favor of the Los Angeles Area Co-Dependent Hot Chicks With Daddy Issues Association that you seem to be cultivating as of late. Continue plying the ladies with gifts and attention and you'll have a longer run that anything Danny Boyle could make.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Today is the end of an era. As far as you know, that statement only applies to Boston Legal, but it would be a good idea to make sure your resume is up to date.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Instead of saying "No" to everything, make a point to say "Yes" to more opportunities this week. Robin Williams never seems to turn anything down, and he's a lot funnier and more famous than you'll ever be.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Give your daydreams a chance to come true: Find your favorite starlet's address, wait outside her house, watch for her to exit, follow her to set, and watch her go about her business and then follow her home at the end of the day. The only difference between a stalker and an assistant is that the stalker probably has health coverage.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Finally, MTV is going to document your amazing life with a new reality show special. Too bad its working title is: True Life: I Was Marilyn Manson's Rebound Fuck.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Gloomy economic news doesn't matter, as you have made yourself an indispensable part of the film industry. Everyone else might be worried about job security, but Cat Wrangling is notoriously recession-proof.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The career of George Lucas, a fellow Taurus, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. The generally low critical opinion of your work doesn't bother you, and you continue to create lucrative projects that make fans happy. Besides, even if your billions dry up, Coppola still owes you a couple thou from back in the Zoetrope days.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): It will come to pass that you will be stuck talking to that annoying assistant who wants to specialize in fantasy lit at the holiday party, and lo, he will make multiple Lord of the Rings references that will go right over your head, and ye will be too drunk to recall this conversation and not remember how thou drove thyself home.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The featured extra role in that national Applebee's spot will send some extra dough your way this Christmas, but don't waste it on a charity. There's at least 100 women in Westwood alone that would gladly accept it in the form of cocaine.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Your mom always said, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Take that old saw to heart this week. When the little things in life get you down, there's no reason to fret. But when Viacom HR informs you that your position has been terminated, feel free to have a full-blown breakdown in the In-N-Out drive-thru lane.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Time management has never been your strong suit, but you need to be more efficient than ever this week. Here's a tip: Get your shrink to call in a prescription of Adderall and forego the Xanax. You'll definitely get all those scripts read and a little panic attack never hurt anyone.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): With the amount of holiday dinner parties, office gatherings and family events you'll have to attend this month, it'll feel like you're in the movie Four Christmases. Try to only use this joke once per party, because it's really obnoxious.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Like all born under the sign of the Scorpion, your arteries and veins pulse with intense passion, sexual energy and the seeds of mystery. Sadly, your blood vessels are also populated by a dangerous amount of cholesterol from eating greasy delivery food. Get your assistant to pick up Cheerios, Lipitor and some rubbers. You're seeing your mistress in Thousand Oaks tonight.

If today - November 3 - is your birthday: While it would seem logical to take down that Sarah Palin effigy this week, keep it up well through the holiday season. That flow of Scientology solicitors has all but but dried up.

More astrological excitement after the jump!

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Zack and Miri Make a Porno might have been profoundly disappointing, but your own efforts to make a skin flick with your roommate/eventual boyfriend will result in more frequent laughs and honest emotions. Your agent might not be thrilled with your career direction, but she'd take a 10% cut of an ethnic cleansing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Not sure what to wear to the big interview? Confidence always looks good and sincerity is a great look. Don't wear that J. Crew skirt-suit monstrosity, it makes you look like a weird anime princess.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Love is in the air this week. That cute PA who has been making eyes at you all season long will finally get the courage to ask you out. Don't be coy. He wants to bone Diane in wardrobe just as much.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Charisma. Serenity. Grace. Ideally, these would be qualities you possess, but the gods know they're the names of escorts you've hired to accompany you at the last three AFI Fests.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Rather than the stars influencing you, turn the tables and make them obey your will. When Marcia Cross tells you to pick up her drycleaning, tell her to do the same for you. Not only will she respect your spunk, but she'll put you in charge of finding her a new assistant.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): As an acting union member, you like to keep aware of the latest issues facing working actors. Sure, you failed to make a living at it, but you make sure the quarterly issues of AFTRA Magazine get forwarded to your mom's house.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): That promotion was rightfully yours, but don't let not getting it ruin your week. There will be lots of other opportunities to become a production coordinator, especially if you cut the brakes on the shuttle bus to the set.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): The career of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, fellow Geminis, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. You will show the world that you've fully matured by publishing a book of interviews with creative visionaries, designing lines of bohemian-eclectic fashion and involving yourself peripherally in a celebrity's death.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Don't take your agent's advice literally. When he said to "write what you know," he did not mean to script a miniseries about an overweight 43-year-old man who lives alone and masturbates to photos of Christine Baranski.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): You might think that the recent honor you received was undeserved, but it's not your fault that the Savannah Film Festival didn't keep Malcolm McDowell's lifetime achievement award in a locked case.

Virgo (Augut 23 - September 22): Your boss might throw staplers at your face and purposefully disrupt your attempts to help him and his roster of A-list directors, but when it comes time for you to move up and represent clients yourself, he'll give you the respect of sabotaging you indirectly.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): Libra is the only non-living, inanimate sign of the zodiac. Still, this doesn't justify your non-living, inanimate portrayal of Elphaba. That matinee audience deserved better.

If today - October 27 - is your birthday: Your numbers are 11, 39 and 54. These would be lucky numbers, if they didn't already equate to the ages of the individuals on set today who will yell at you for fucking up their lunch orders.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Instead of putting that Jamie Kennedy reality competition series into production, how about you greenlight some time with your son? He's starting to burn things at school.

More celestial wisdom after the jump!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): At Tuesday's call, don't greet your fellow petite, blonde, fresh-faced types that are at every casting session with hugs and polite questions and displays of real friendship. Save your acting for the room.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You will know that you have found your ultimate love match when he/she agrees that Synecdoche, New York was a perfect first date movie.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Find better uses for your time. Ringo Starr's fan mail deadline was last week, and he already passed on your Yellow Submarine sequel - Return to Pepperland.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your strategy of working on your script at the Westfield Century City food court during lunchtime will pay off this week, as an agent from CAA will finally talk to you. She might only be asking if you're using that extra chair, but this is the most agency attention you've received in eight years.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): The Sundance Film Festival is only 80 days away. Now would be a good time to start making that genre-bending quirky comedy. At least get your plane tickets while there are still window seats available.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): After fearfully ignoring the subject for months, try to take an interest in finances this week. You're the CFO of Lionsgate, for God's sake.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): It's high time you drop that boyfriend. Not only does he make you feel ugly and never volunteers to pay for anything, but he's no longer testing well with white males 18-49.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The career of Randy Jackson, a fellow Cancer, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. The entire nation will learn that you, in your own right, are an evenhanded, intelligent judge of musical talent, a prolific session musician and an outspoken advocate for diabetes awareness, dawg.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Even though you'll never be as famous as your celebrity parents, your efforts to distinguish yourself as a prolific drug abuser will give you the notoriety you crave without all that hard work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): That ball-busting line producer has been riding you hard lately. Doesn't he know that there are only 24 hours in a day? Maybe he doesn't. After all, he went to USC. BURNED! Go Bruins! UC! LA!

Libra (September 23 - October 23): At a bar this weekend, a man will ask you: "Whats your sign?" You will respond: "That line is so 70's. What is this, an episode of the new ABC series Life on Mars?" And when he says, "I haven't seen that show yet, is it good?" you will walk away immediately. If he were really your soulmate, he would have seen Life on Mars by now, because he would know how much you love Harvey Keitel.

If today - October 13 - is your birthday: Maybe it's time you drop the supportive friend act and just tell Amy that her screenplay is terrible. It will save you having to come up with awkward excuses for not passing it along to your agent uncle and finally reveal to Amy what she's been thinking all along: that you are a total asshole.

Libra (September 24 - October 23): Today you will stop putting off important things you meant to do a month ago: register to vote, send your grandpa that thank you note, and attend opening night of Dolly Parton's 9-to-5: The Musical.

More star signs after the jump!

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): The career of Richard Dreyfuss, a fellow Scorpio, will show you the ideal lifepath today. As a result, you will survive the figurative man-eating sharks patrolling your office and strengthen your relationship with your figurative deaf son.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21): The incessant repeating of the phrase "See what I did there?" following every lame joke you make will not endear you to your fellow mailroom employees.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20): Even though your anxiety levels have been rising lately, fear not. Sunday will bring sweeping revelations and new-found clarity on the direction of things to come. Mostly for the characters on AMC's award-winning drama Mad Men.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): "It's time you quit your lucrative but soul-killing day job and commit to your inner artist" — is what your inner artist would be saying if your inner celebrity dancing show producer hadn't killed him off six seasons ago.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20): A long day of pre-production meetings gives way to a long night of listening to your husband complain about his hernia.

Aries (March 21-April 20): Though you have been canvassing fiercely around Riverside County and arguing passionately with conservative opponents, the success or failure of Proposition 8 will not affect your life, as you are emotionally unavailable and unable to communicate on a basic level with either sex.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21): Don't go to the audition. Seriously. You're never going to get the part and you're just going to sit there with the same 50 people you saw at the last commercial cattle call. Come on. It's depressing and a waste of everyone's time. It wouldn't even look good on your resume. What's on VH1 right now?

Gemini (May 22 - June 21): A meet-cute with a beautiful blonde combined with a classic misunderstanding will allow your relationship to flourish in the short-term, but problems loom for you at the End of Act Two/Beginning of Act Three.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23): Don't leave Lady Luck waiting at the door. Make sure the receptionist buzzes her in and tells her which conference room contains the executive producer's bachelor party.

Leo (July 24 - August 23): You will talk to five important experts today about your new documentary on mental illness and its effect on families of the lower classes of India. Unfortunately, these five expert swill be of little help, as they are members of Aerosmith and have little expertise beyond the realm of rocking your fucking tits off.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23): As a Virgo, your tendency towards list-making will keep your life organized in the weeks to come, but will make you equally vulnerable to inclusion in Found Magazine collections.