Harden told us that Page stayed in character during much of the shoot, even when they would try to crack her up by singing Whitney Houston songs. “Ellen’s a serious girl,” she said. “She’s an absolute doll, but she’s a serious doll.”

“She’s really nice,” said Eulala Scheel, Harden’s ten-year-old daughter who plays Ellen’s sister in the film. “But she’s hard to be around, because she really likes to eat healthy, so I wouldn’t know what I could eat in front of her at craft services. She doesn’t laugh a lot. But one day I had my hair up in spikes, and that was funny, so she laughed at that.”

So the girl's deadpan — so what? You'd clam up too if you had Marcia Gay Harden constantly thrusting a sloppy joe from craft services into your hand with the commandment, "Hamburger phone scene. Take it from 'It's not a food baby.' Go!"

• Eve And Ellen Page ‘Whip It’ For Drew Barrymore’s Roller Derby Pic [MTV]

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

Much, much more, after the jump:

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and— with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it.

(Incidentally, if you were me for one day you'd crumble like fucking Stilton. I am better at this than you. You're not strong enough, Film_Fan78. Trust me.)

I'm sorry to all those violent, semi-literate fanboys who hate me for befriending their heroes. I can't help it if your favorite writer, actor, director, or talk show host likes me. Maybe you would too, if we actually met.

I know my name is fake and that it annoys you. What, do you hate Queen Latifah and Rip Torn, too? Writers and entertainers have been using pseudonyms for years. Chances are, you're spewing bile under an assumed screen name yourself. I'm sorry if you think I'm like some inked-up quasi-Suicide Girl derby cunt from 2002, but I like my fake name. It's engraved on an Oscar. Yours isn't.

...In summation: you try it.

Having finally bitten the heads off her skeptics like a possessed, near-nude Megan Fox, Cody was content, though her example inspired backlashed Garden State auteur Zach Braff to make his own go of it. Resuscitating his long-dormant Xanga with a post entitled, "Hey Ya! (Outkast)," Braff went after the legion of Garden State lovers who had turned on him like a manic pixie dream girl gone fickle. "Does your People's Choice Award nomination say Zach Braff on it?" he wrote. "I don't think so. Laterzzz! (mood: ebullient)"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Hello Again! (Starring Shelly Long) [Myspace]

“I don’t know the specifics, but I can speak about what sort of responsibility entertainment should hold for social behavior,” Bateman, who starred as one half of adoptive couple the Lorings in Juno, told Access Hollywood.

“Unfortunately, we’ve had these instances where guys kill people because of what they hear in rock ‘n roll lyrics or some garbage like that. Look, if you’re going to blame a movie or song for your actions, whether they be good or bad, I think you’re looking at the wrong things to influence your life.”

Bateman then went on to point a finger at Jamie Lynn Spears, saying, "Her fault!" before fleeing the room in a trail of giggles. Immature? Perhaps, but Jason has a point. How can anyone truly know if the Gloucester girls are emulating Juno until they start exercising right of refusal on all upcoming lesbian wolfwoman dramas?

• Jason Bateman Defends ‘Juno’ In Wake Of Massachusetts Teen Pregnancies [Access Hollywood]

Triste news for Page, but for Cody, the timing couldn't be better — the studied oddness of it all is a fortunate (if accidental) response to the gauntlet thrown by Daniel Waters earlier today, no?

• View "Cafe Triste," an exclusive, deleted scene from Juno [Amazon.com]

"Juno B-Sides: Almost Adopted Songs," a 15-track collection boasting a ditty performed by star Ellen Page, will debut exclusively through iTunes for a suggested list price of $9.99 on April 8, distributor Rhino Records said. Page performs 'Zub Zub,' a song written by the film's Oscar-winning screenwriter, Diablo Cody, for a scene that was eventually cut for time. Page's character bemoans her fate with such lines as "he filled me with baby batter, then we ate some orange tic tacs after."

[Director Jason] Reitman said the scene provided one of his favorite memories. "I just remember directing with my daughter strapped to my chest in a BabyBjorn (baby carrier) and the whole crew watching on as Ellen noodled around on guitar."

When we consider the original Juno soundtrack's ascent to No. 1 during the film's cultural saturation point, such ecstatic milking of the twee Juno juggernaut doesn't come as a surprise. Yet our bullshit detectors shriek at the possibility that Page's "baby batter" lament could ever be a casualty of the running-time considerations noted in this report, and even Cody's gold-plated, animal-print imagination couldn't have conjured a more muscular irony than Reitman directing the scene with an infant strapped to his chest. And no one out side Fox Searchlight's marketing department actually uses the word "Junoverse" attributed here to Reitman, do they? Will someone please confirm that this isn't actually happening? Anyone? Echo?

• Diablo Cody's 'Tara' adds players [THR]
• Juno star sings in sequel to movie soundtrack [Reuters]

"Play it again Samantha, I blog to differ!"
"What's your dental damage, Kermit The Blog?"
"Exsqueeze me for writing you a world-class monoblogue!"
"What the blog are you blogging about, Sonic The Hedgeblog?"

While there were a few more blog puns thrown into the mix (including Blog The Bounty Hunter, Captain's Blog and Snoop Bloggy Blog featuring Nate Blog), the monologue closed triumphantly as an off-camera Diablo Cody howled to the audience, "I WAS A STRIPPER!" Well played, Samberg, well played.

BONUS: As long as we've got you, this week's Digital Short was pretty excellent (and we think likely inspired by the Waking Up From Bad Dreams montage from The Oscars last Sunday), take a gander.

• Saturday Night Live [NBC]

"I personally put my vag out there with pride, ladies and gents. And you bet your ass I'd do it again if the Beef Council would cough up the proper endorsement money."

The Beef Council? That's not funny, that's bogue. Fortunately, we think it's a safe bet to assume that the doddering old Hugh Hefner won't be coughing up any "endorsement money" for Diablo nude pix anytime soon, either. Judging by what we saw behind her Oscar dress's up-to-the-hip slit, on top of how conflicted we are about the "sexiness" of those MySpace pics, we're fairly certain that guys (or girls, for that matter) wouldn't exactly rush to the newsstands for a chance to see airbrushed pull-out spreads of our tattooed hero in the birthday suit we've already become quite familiar with.

• STRIPPERS UNITE! DIABLO'S OSCAR INSPIRES [ABC News]

Head on over to Egotastic to see the Full Busey-Hunt.

• Diablo Cody: Nude Stripper / Screenwriter [Egotastic]

"I must have somehow missed the part where my shoes cost a MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS and my 'choice' of footwear would be publicized nationwide. I honestly thought they were just sparkly shoes. Mr. Weitzman did mention that the diamonds were real when I tried them on, but I'm not Nancy Rockman, Expert Gemologist."

Cody continues: "I didn't, you know, bust out my miniature spyglass and assess the potential worth of my kicks. I'm actually really pissed about this, now that I think about it. They're using me to publicize their stupid shoes and NOBODY ASKED ME. I would never consent to a lame publicity stunt at a time when I already want to hide." We're still a little confused on that whole "nobody asks me" part, considering it sounds like they did, in fact, ask her to come in and try them on. However, we're going to forgive Cody's online rant only because of the ballsiness she displayed on the red carpet (showing off her terribly tacky tatts with pride) and her heartfelt acceptance speech. Speaking of which, did she rip her dress at some point last night? We began throwing dollar bills at our TV set last night when we almost caught a glimpse of Diablo Vadge when she walked off stage last night, but then we realized that the slit might not have been intentional.

• DIABLO CODY'S MILLION DOLLAR SHOES CAUSE DRAMA [Myitthings.com]
• Diablo Cody's MySpace

In a recent Reuters poll of "regular" movie goers, Juno came out as the favorite of all the nominees. And a figure no less authoritative than The Carpetbagger himself feels a Juno upset could be in the works. He even quotes an actual blogger as evidence:

Academy members vote the way their hearts tell them (not the critics), and this year's poor predictions of the Academy's Best Picture lineup by the guilds (PGA missed "Atonement," DGA missed "Juno" and "Atonement," and SAG missed "Atonement," "Juno," "Michael Clayton" and "There Will Be Blood") exposes their memberships' lack of ideological and/or personnel overlap with the Academy's."

Uh, we don't know what any of that means, Reege. But we think he's trying to tell us that we ought to start taking our Xanax now so we don't shoot out the TV in an Elvis-style fit of rage when Juno's name is announced this weekend.

• Movie fans give Oscar to "Juno": E-Poll/Reuters [Reuters]
• 'Juno' How to Stir Up the Homestretch?

While our man Big Ross stakes out an impressive four-point plan detailing the "bungles" that Diablo made in her script, we'd just like to relay this brief list of totally out-of-context things included in the script that have us thisclose to breaking our burger phone moratorium:
· "Fried bologna is the bomb!"
· "You're totally jello! You're lime green jello and you can't even admit it."
· "I'll get him myself! I will! You hear me, you bastard? I'll cut off your nutsack and nail it to my door! Like one of those lion doorknockers rich folks got! That'll be your balls!"
· "Never Trevor. I'm hot like magma."
· "I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear. It's like, don't y'all touch my daughter. I'll piss on you like Calvin."
· "Sandbox love never dies."
· "Slow down tardy slip. You sound like a sped."
· "I got the monopoly on pain!"

Makes us long for the days of diddles being undid, homeskillet!

• What the F*ck is She Saying? A Look at the Dialogue in Diablo Cody's Latest Screenplay [CC2K]

What we really want to know is this: what's the sitch with that tattoo drama? Or, even better, how come you skipped the Critic's Choice awards last week? There's a reason they picked you for this Backpage column, Diablo, and we're quite sure it wasn't to get a listicle out of you.