Naturally, the nominees had lots of nice things to say about each other. "Michael Clayton" writer-director Tony Gilroy said of his star George Clooney: "He's better at the job of being a movie star than anyone who's ever done it — working the ropes, maintaining his dignity, having a political view that doesn't get too preachy. He really is the Michael Jordan of movie stars."

Clooney himself sang the praises of "There Will Be Blood" star Daniel Day-Lewis, while "Juno" director Jason Reitman doted on his leading lady Ellen Page: "I'm in love with her, and my wife knows it. And she's cool with it. ... She's an actress incapable of a dishonest moment."

Clooney said of Page that "she's too smart" for him to even consider offering advice on how to manage her newfound fame.

As for his own coping skills during awards season, Clooney said the cocktail chatter at these affairs doesn't usually get too dry.

"A lot of stars are star-struck," he said. "It's not like you go out and have drinks with these famous people all the time. ... Mostly, it's just exciting."

Despite the prevailing lighthearted mood at the luncheon (Julian Schnabel wore purple pajamas!), the show's producers still had to carry out to the event's main purpose: the official issuing of threats about the grotesque physical punishments that await any winner who dares exceed his or her allotted acceptance speech time. The near-constant din of laughter quickly faded as Gil Cates, casting a lingering glance at the table of Best Actor nominees, described in chilling detail what might happen to an "overly wordy" awards-recipient's testicles if they "accidentally" found their way into a green room vise following a boring, orchestra-truncated litany of thank-yous.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Oscar luncheon: muted glamour and subtle cheer [LAT]
• Previously: Academy Invites Nominees To Annual Luncheon Threat About Overlong Speeches [Defamer]

Sonnenfeld quickly set the tone Tuesday by opening with a story about the size of his penis.

He followed up by asking such off-the-cuff questions as "Do you get more sex as an independent producer or an executive, and has sex changed?" (to NBC's Ben Silverman); "Do you agree that Peter Liguori is so handsome, you have to punch him in the face?" (to Fox's Kevin Reilly); "Has Les Moonves ever threatened to kill one of you?" (to CBS' Nina Tassler and the CW's Dawn Ostroff); and, to all of them, "If death was not an option, who would you rather drive in a car with cross country — Les Moonves in a really bad mood or Steve McPherson?"

While Sonnenfeld kept much of the attention on himself with his lighthearted dick jokes and fun, hypothetical questions about potentially fatal road trips with TV's deadliest personalities, at least one panelist managed to make a trade paper's highlights list, as TV Week chooses its top "Oh no you di'int, Mr. Sassy Programming Executive!" moment:

Even by softball HRTS standards, Sonnenfeld seemed mainly interested in his own personal musings — such as asking why his pitch meetings take so long, and how many hours executives spend reading scripts instead of spending time at home.

Actually, that latter question did prompt one exchange that for some was worth the price of admission. Silverman tried to gamely poke fun at his partygoer image by saying that, instead of spending time with his family like the other network executives, he's busy "dating their kids." Reilly leaned over and said, "I have two boys," and the audience hooted.

Now twice-shamed by the barbs of his network rivals in a public forum, an atypically dejected Silverman was later overheard quietly muttering into his BlackBerry, hinting to an NBC underling that he'd be "totally psyched" if when he returned to the office following the panel, everyone "surprised" him with a party where he and his staff would share pieces of a delicious cake depicting him ripping out Kevin Reilly's small intestines with his razor-sharp peacock claws, "you know, just if we have one of those laying around somewhere."

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Sonnenfeld steals show at HRTS panel [THR]
• HRTS Smackdown: Network Chiefs on Best Behavior [TV Week]