We've entered the mall, just steps away from technological bliss and peer envy. We hold our golden tickets close to our bodies, fearful of falling asleep and being robbed.

Oddly, what guarantees ownership of the insanely desired and highly advanced apparatus is a beverly center buckslip written in chinese. Fascinating. Perhaps the secret language of the binary world.

We've even been visited by the wonderful people from Chipotle. They are offering one free burrito upon presenting your iphone receipt. 12 hours of waiting and a $600 phone and you too can burry your face in a free burrito. Nothing like a bargain burrito. Thank you Chipotle.

The Apple store has officially closed. They've taped up their windows and began cheering wildly inside. I imagine that when they open their doors I'll be entering one of the pages from "Where the Wild Things Are."

It's all so secretive. I wonder if they will encourage us to do keg stands and beer bongs in order to become one of them.

iHaze me Apple people. I just want to belong.

x

By the time you read this, CAA's assistants will already be counterfeiting and attempting to establish a black market for those coveted, Chinese-encoded "golden tickets," hoping to capitalize on the gullibility of others. But be forewarned: There's a strictly enforced two iPhone per-person limit, no matter what the fast-talking guy gnawing on a baby leg tries to tell you about the bulk discount he's exclusively offering you.

• Previously: iPhone To Force Hollywood Trendwhores To Adopt Two-Phone System [Defamer]

So what's a trend-addicted, style-focused bizzer to do? Carry two devices.

"I'll make my booty calls with the iPhone and get reamed in the ass by my boss on my Blackberry," cracked one senior studio exec.

In addition to the many hilarious complications that may arise when the simultaneous buzzing of both phones causes an exec or agent to mix up his booty-calling and ass-reaming devices, accidentally blurring the line between recreational and professional sodomy, carrying an extra device will give quick-triggered bosses a second projectile to fire at an incompetent underling. If a poorly aimed Blackberry crashes harmlessly off the wall, the more aerodynamically designed iPhone will certainly find its target, and its beautiful, scratch-resistant screen is a cinch to wipe clean of an assistant's blood, making it the perfect weapon for the rage-prone man-on-the-go.

• iPhone gets busy signal [Variety]
• Previously: Report: CAA Sends Evil Minions To Camp Out At Century City Apple Store [Defamer]

While we know we hardly need to remind our readers of the unspeakable acts of which the Creative Artist minions are capable, we still feel it's our responsibility to warn any rival agency or studio underlings pressed into line-waiting duty not, under any circumstances, to drift off into sleep in that queue. The moment the eyes of the weary gently shut, they'll be beset by the CAA drones, losing not only their place in line to reinforcements that seem to materialize from the crisp night air, but any internal organs that can be removed with nothing more than plastic utensils from the food court, a grisly tribute that will be delivered to their masters along with their gleaming new phones.

*UPDATE: An operative dispatched to the scene reports that as of around 10 pm Thursday night, there was still no line at Century City. We'll have to assume that the invasion begins Friday morning. Be ready. Those organ extractions are going to be especially terrifying in broad daylight.

• Previously: Hollywood Predictably Horny For The iPhone [Defamer]