Yes, someone would: Hugh Hefner's main Girl Next Door, Holly Madison, who has finally tired of her post as Playboy's "Playmate Editor," an arduous gig that involved lip gloss selection and the expert Photoshopping of pubic hair mounds. Sadly, the thrill of such tasks is gone, says Madison on her Celebrity Myspace:

So it's out on the gossip sites that I quit my job at Playboy, which is true. I quit for several reasons: 1. I moved to Vegas and that job doesn't pay enough to make a commute worthwhile ( I never cared about the salary when I got the job-I made my money doing Girls Next Door and I just did the job because I loved it.) 2. After two years of it, I no longer found it challenging. It got to be routine, which was sad for me, since I was initially so passionate about the job and the creative aspects involved. 3. It was awkward. Not that anyone tried to make it awkward or didn't treat me fairly . . . it just was.

It annoys me when people call the job fake as if it was just a set up for the show. If I had wanted a fake career for Girls Next Door I would have stuck with the jewelry line because that required very little of my time. I spent way more than full time directing shoots, editing, making mock layouts and approving retouching.

So as you can imagine, when one is trying to move on with their life, it isn't beneficial to spend so much time on something that doesn't pay much and sadly enough is no longer rewarding to you.

Will Hef fill the hole (uh...we're letting that one go) with new paramours Kristina and Karissa Shannon, who will bring their unique talents of face-kicking and semi-incest to the ceremonial position? We hope so—there's no Playboy pictorial that couldn't be livened up with broken beer bottles, a concussion, and a bloody smock from Wing House.

• Annoying!!!! [Myspace]

"We tried for me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization, because it wasn't going to happen the old-fashioned way."

...While Holly says she "devoted 100 percent" of herself to the professional hedonist, she never quite got into the swing of his famed lifestyle.

"I'm not really into polygamy," she says. "That was never my thing. I think that's why I was looking to either have a kid or leave."

But the age difference between Holly and 82-year-old Hef proved to be the ultimate obstacle for the pair.

"When the IVF didn't work out after months of giving myself injections every day and feeling horrible, the clinic informed me it wasn't possible because he was too old," she says.

It's a shame those crazy kids couldn't make it work, as we would have loved to see Hef and Holly raise a bathrobe-clad brood given to questions like, "How did you and Mommy fall in love?" ("Well, Mommy was spread-eagle in a shower with Mommy 2 and Mommy 3..."). At the very least, Show and Tell would never have been the same.

• Holly Madison: 'Hef was too old for IVF' [Woman's Day]

Adams points out that Playboy magazine, with its "pictures of scantily clad, identikit blondes" (complete, if memory serves, with unnaturally round, high, shiny breasts, landing strip pubes, and weird occupational costumes), is now behind the times. Where once it interviewed Bob Dylan and Jean-Paul Sartre, it now lands such luminaries as Pete Wentz and Kevin Connolly. And at just 132 pages, it's a lightweight. Vogue could kick sand on it at the beach.

Attractive, much-younger women have long been willing to play by Hef's rules — including a 9 p.m. curfew, and monogamy for them but not for him — because of what former girlfriend Izabella St. James calls "the glamour and glitz and the attraction of Hef and this life in Hollywood." If the glitz fades, will Hugh still be able to fill his revolving bed? Will someone else (Dov Charney? Joe Francis?) rise up to fill his slippers? Or is his whole breed, the celebrity pornography-polygamist, now passe?

We hope so, but Joan Smith, writing in today's Guardian, fears otherwise. She sees The House Bunny, with its portrayals of a fatherly Hef and fun Bunny shopping sprees, as a sign that women have accepted "the bunny girl image" as something "benign, and even cool." Other evidence includes the Playboy logo on pencil cases, jewelry, and slippers. To girls who want to dress like Bunnies (like teenage Dodai!), Smith offers a reminder of Bunny life in the 60s. Women at Playboy clubs of that era had to conform to a variety of stringent male-imposed standards, like wearing the right shade of lipstick and spouting the right amount of small talk — all for very little pay. Young women may want to take up the mantle of Hef themselves — Female Chauvinist Pigs-style — but Smith warns that the Playboy magnate is little more than "an 82-year-old polygynist whose chief claim to fame is dressing up adult women as rabbits" and "young women shouldn't fall for it."

Is the party over for Playboy? [Independent]
The problem with Playboy [Guardian]

According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website:

We just talked to a relative of one of the victims and here's what they tell us went down. The twins went out after work with one of their Wing House co-workers, Erica Civello, to a house party. Kristina allegedly started arguing with Erica, and Karissa came up behind her and hit Erica over the head with a bottle of beer and they both "jumped her." Erica suffered a concussion.

The mystery of Wing House rears its engimatic head once more! Was the twins' former place of employment this Hooters knockoff, or was it this transitional house for adult survivors of traumatic brain injury? Based on the context clues, we're thinking the former...but Erica? That other Wing House might be just the ticket for you in your Bud Light-brained state. Godspeed!

• Hef's Girls Put the Jail in Jailbait [TMZ]

"If Holly says it's over, I guess it's over," Hefner told the AP on Wednesday, adding that Madison is still living in the Mansion despite her recent confession that she's ready to settle down and start a family. Hef also acknowledged telling Madison six months ago that he wanted none of that, apparently triggering an internal crisis about which even he was unaware:

"The fact that she was depressed after that, I didn't know at all. That was a revelation in the last days and weeks. Quite frankly, we thought when the time came, we would make a combined statement and we expected that combined statement would be somewhere in the weeks and months ahead."

Of course, anyone who's seen The House Bunny can corroborate this and vouch for Hef's despair; nobody leaves the Mansion without saying goodbye, lest the 82-year-old's sad voice turn up on the other end of her phone at the most inopportune time — like, in the middle of a date with Colin Hanks or something. Awkward! Moreover, this is why some of us choose to avoid The Girls Next Door — how have we missed out on the drama of this dissolution since April? Step it up, E! Man cannot live by Kendra's Olive Garden controversies alone.

• HEFNER 'DOWN IN THE DUMPS' ABOUT MADISON SPLIT [AP]

we are kristina & karissa shannon we are idenical twins we work well together and have worked for winghouse doing advertisement for 3 yrs. and are now working on the centerfold for playboy!!!we are new playmates and are exploding fast we are going to be shooting the girls next door show while doing our centerfold while we are out at the mansion in LA we love modeling,acting, and are very outgoing with great,fun ,and exciting personality's! we are interested in doing movies,commercial's, host events exc.We have done commercials and billboards and the cover of the swimsuit calender's and things for winghouse!

We were somewhat curious about the much-mentioned "winghouse," so we did some further digging and can narrow the Winghouse in question to one of two alternatives: either the twins posed for this Hooters knockoff, or they've kindly devoted their time to cheering up adult survivors of traumatic brain injury. Either way, their sparkling "personality's" should help them take the Mansion by storm! Enjoy your high-flying, semi-incestuous new life, ladies!

• Hugh Hefner’s New Twins [Buzzfeed]

• karissa&kristina [OneModelPlace]

When a TMZ cameraman recently asked her if she can get him into an upcoming Halloween bash at the Playboy mansion, she replied: "I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together."

Madison then took to her Myspace blog for an an ellipsis-filled elaboration:

Current mood: lonely

Hef and I care about each other immensely and will always be best friends . . . I do have my own place, but I am still at the Mansion, too, right now . . . I'm too busy to move even if I wanted to! hahaha . . . Bridget, Kendra and I are all still best friends and plan on doing several projects together in the future . . . even though Bridget is in Europe right now and I am sad and lonely without her . . .

You will see how it all happens in Season 5 . . . Sunday nights on E! . . . How lame, I just turned that into the most shameless plug ever . . . lol!

Love-Holly

We've heard rumors that Hef has replaced Madison with a pair of younger twins, representing a savvy divestment of his portfolio and an example of the "buy low" philosophy that distinguishes the sex mogul's business savvy. Kendra and Bridget, you'd better watch out: today, you may be flying high in a Holmby Hills mansion, but before you know it, you bunnies may be bounced, forced to turn to a foreclosed mansion (filled with bobcats) in Lake Elsinore.

• Holly Madison: "Hef and I Aren't Together" [Us]

Is it possible that Hef is losing his mojo? That women find his wrinkly skin and thinning hair unattractive? That they enjoy the company of a man who doesn’t always feel the need to wear a smoking jacket? Surely these girls aren’t just pretending to like Hef as a publicity stunt while they build up their careers with reality shows and magazine appearances. That would be unconscionable.

It’s a sad day in Holmby Hills when a man can’t find true love and happiness with three blond women less than half his age. But does that mean its time for Hef to stop having sex and start drinking prune juice and watching Matlock? Nah. There’s probably an 18-year-old fresh off the bus from Iowa swimming in the Grotto right now. And as long as Hef has Viagra coursing through his veins, he will make her his new girl next door.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• HUGH HEFNER'S CRUMBLING HAREM [NY Post]

Clearly, Criss Angel — who has always scored a ridiculous amount of tail for someone who wears guyliner — is one to fawn over. He's got way more going for him than Hef: sperm count, lots of cool tats, and most importantly: magic.

But Holly still isn't copping up to her tricks, even after photos surfaced last week of the two canoodling in Sin City. Yesterday on her MySpace, where she suspiciously (guiltily?) lists the magician's A&E's show Mindfreak as her fave television show, she had this to say about her two-timing ways:

Anyway, Criss and I are just friends right about now . . . I love how that totally innocent picture of us means we are not just dating but "going public"...

But today, her denial was nowhere to be found on the page. Hmm...maybe Criss Angel made it dissappear?

The Hef-ster also says he and Holly are still an item ... for now.

"She is still my girlfriend," he tells Usmagazine.com in a new interview. "Now will that last? I don’t think anything lasts forever.

At least not without Viagra.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images, X17]

• Playboy's Hugh Hefner: Holly Madison "Is Still My Girlfriend" [US Magazine]

For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

• The Girls Next Door [E!]

1) How To Cure Pre-Teen Son’s Boredom: Place Silicone Breasts Directly In Front Of Child’s Face! While Ali burns eardrums away in the recording studio, Dina finds herself in a horrifying place: alone with Cody, the one kid she has nothing in common with. And Cody was bored, as many a boring person becomes when left unentertained by others. So! Off to meet the Girls Next Door and their owner Hugh Hefner, where any swinging dick, no matter how pre-pubescent, will promptly blush, explode in giggles, and shamefully retreat.

2) How To Undermine Your Daughter: Ensure They Never Succeed In Showbiz! After Dina hires the aforementioned Mr. Hot, a clearly under-qualified music producer who specializes in "guy songs," Ali musters up enough courage to question her mom's decision. But the poor tone-deaf kid obviously still doesn't know who she's dealing with — whenever her expert opinion is questioned, Dina knows to respond by instantly blaming the inadequate results on your child, and secondly, repeat the under-used and always infuriating "I told ya so!" mantra.

3) How To Feel Sexy When Pushing Fifty: A Little Trick Called 'Me Time'! If you're like us, you've often stared into the flawless abyss that is Dina Lohan's wrinkle-free face and wondered how, (HOW!?) can anyone be so impossibly beautiful after pushing out three and a half kids. Dina's secret? Odd and embarrassing workouts involving melon-size green aerobic balls used as disco-blaring speakers only the insane can bop along to! Oh, and mani-pedis, of course.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

If you've had the great pleasure of catching an episode of Denise Richards' star vehicle, It's Complicated, or watching one of her many defensive "I'm A Good Person, Not A Sperm-Stealing Slut" promotional appearances, you may have noticed her quiet insistence on clearing up all those rumors that she stole Bon Jovi guitar hero Richie Sambora from former BFF Heather Locklear. Adding salt to Heather's wound is her assurance that the two weren't even friends — Richards told The View she just met Heather through shared ex and current pay-for-sex repeat offender Charlie Sheen. But Locklear's camp tells the NY Post that the blonde "has phone records that prove Denise was calling Richie while Heather was still married to him...Heather was such a good friend to Denise. She gave Denise clothes and offered her a shoulder to cry on...there are even photos in the press of Heather taking Denise out after she and Charlie split."

Well we're sold. If Heather says she has phone records, says she has pictures, and says she gave Denise actual clothes (since when does the husband get the wife's wardrobe in divorce court?), we don't need further proof. After all, Locklear told us "glamour is all about what you feel inside" in those L'Oreal spots, and truer words were never, ever spoken.

As for Hefner's wild bunch, TMZ reports that producers of everyone's favorite sunny and sparkly show best played on mute, The Girls Next Door, have found themselves in the middle of number one prostitute girl Holly Madison's and trailer park refugee Kendra Wilkinson's battling egos. Though mere (yawn) jealousy is at the center of the fight for Hef's Viagra-bolstered bedroom moves, we're confused about the reported "flying fur" producers are dealing with. Are wigs being torn off? Bikini wax remnants saved and thrust across the pool? We'll have to actually watch the damn thing to demystify that enigma.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• CLAWS OUT AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION [TMZ]
• DENISE'S 'REALITY' CHALLENGED [NYP]