And according to a release tossed under our door, he's bundled it with a couple other, newer projects that people apparently asked for — retrofitted with perfectly balanced surround sound designed to replicate your cozy forest cabin burning down in the middle of a blizzard:

While the most famous televised Yule Log has been airing since 1966, iN DEMAND’s version stands out as the only originally produced hi-def Yule Log. iN DEMAND’s Yule Log features a crackling fire and is sure to add warmth this holiday season, even for those without a fireplace. Winter Green shows a snowy, pine forest setting that viewers can enjoy without catching frostbite. Snowman features a snowman dressed in top hat, scarf and neckerchief (carrot nose included) regally withstanding a windy, snowy storm. All three offerings, accompanied by holiday music, were filmed with HD-cameras and are presented in 1080i picture and 5.1 sound.

The hardcore among you will still hold-out for a sparkling new transfer with director commentary, or perhaps the 3-D IMAX version that will change holiday moviegoing forever. But for us at Defamer HQ, where the Yule Log is often the only holiday viewing our dungeonmaster allows in lieu of heat and electricity, this is a bit of a milestone. And Snowman? Here we thought media was dying! Dickens would be so proud.

Sandler visited David Letterman Monday to promote his new film Bedtime Stories, a nonsecular holiday blockbuster in which he seemed much less invested than his duty to explain the holidays themselves to his 2-year-old daughter. The gentiles at Defamer HQ can't imagine Chanukah being that bad, and in any case, it's the movie season around Christmas that ultimately necessitates something like Bedtime Stories in the first place. So enjoy your diabetic candy, Little Sandler; some of us have some serious atoning to do. [The Late Show]

The big challenge is how to wield the budget ax in a way that won't alienate the A-list or compromise the promotional value of the event. One catering exec who's done scores of premieres says he's being asked to do more for less, and the only choice is "to get creative" when the food budget is cut.

"The shrimp are in hors d'oeuvres instead of a buffet," he said. "You cut back on things that take an inordinate amount of labor."

Premieres also drive publicity, so in order to generate that publicity at lower costs, "what you're going to see are more premieres at the Academy with a relatively inexpensive reception in the lobby and then a couple big, themed parties every quarter," a planner said.

Nevertheless, Sony, Showtime and Overture Films are a few of the companies to retain those festive, debauched standards of yore, while Universal will reportedly leave the decision to its division heads. CAA, meanwhile, denied speculation that its popular Holiday Infant Roast would be suspended for a cheaper, William Morris-style Kitten Potluck. A hard-hit Paradigm, alas, confirmed it will downgrade to roadkill.

• Hollywood Scales Back Parties [Variety]

• Dick and Ryan Reunite for a 'Rockin'' New Year's Eve [ETOnline]

Today's tribute is, of course, supported by the generous contributions of Ratner's business associates, proud father figures, and happy, filthy rich talent, who have purchased a staggering number of full-page expressions of their undying devotion to the enormous sums of money he's earned them. We'll be bringing you highlights from the issue all day long, or at least we faint from the psychological overload of watching the entire town line up to humbly fellate the man who's broken all of his idol's records.

[Image via Digital Variety]

• Ratner boasts box office prowess [Variety]

Jul 11 1997 Bodybuilder and wannabe actor Jonathan Norman is arrested for trespassing on Steven Spielberg's estate in Malibu, California. Believing that the film director "wanted to be raped," Norman had brought along a kit containing handcuffs, duct tape, nipple clamps, chloroform, and a stun gun.

The celebration of the ten year anniversary of this landmark moment in show business history at Spielberg's DreamWorks office will be low-key, but still infused with fun. There will be cake, of course, decorated with caricatures of the director's favorite characters from his movies of the past decade (Haley Joel Osment's AI robot boy, the baby alien from War of the Worlds, Eric Bana's Mossad assassin from Munich) rendered in delicious frosting, but the real highlight of the party will be the Yankee Swap featuring his foiled assailant's electic variety of kidnapping tools, with staffers hoping that that their cool stun gun or nipple clamps aren't lost in a forced trade for a totally boring roll of duct tape.

• This Day in Rotten History: Jul 11 1997 [DailyRotten.com]
• Previously: Today In Hollywood History: Steven Spielberg's Luckiest Day [Defamer]

· Celebration IV at the L.A. Convention Center has officially kicked off. Their blog already has some sneak preview video up, including the above, utterly adorable session of the Jedi Academy, in which a group of half-pint Yodas-in-training (so much for the widely held misconception that Star Wars fans don't have sex) face off against Darth Vader. Those kids are to be commended for their bravery—we would have soiled our cloaks at that age. [Celebration IV Blog]
· Oh no! Jabba the Neck Wattle has enslaved Queen Amidala! [theweeklydonut.org]
· 75 "underground artists" were approached to decorate their own Darth Vader helmet, in something called The Vader Project. [LAT] [CIV Blog]
· While George Lucas won't be in attendance, Carrie Fisher is scheduled to make an appearance. This is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate just how much thunder you're packing by whipping off your belt during your pitch for Episode VII: A New Bulge. [THR]

While it seems that our names were somehow deleted (erroneously, we're sure) from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' "nice list" this holiday, at least one of our readers maintained good enough relations with Team Cruise to receive a Christmas greeting from America's Most Suspicious Nuclear Family. Happily, our operative took the time to painstakingly photograph the mysterious "card" they received last week, allowing those of us not lucky enough to make the list to share in the Cruise's heartwarming (if concisely expressed) seasonal wishes:

In all its glory, see the attached. From the gigantic gold envelope to the fine attention to detail on the crappy stitching and lousy cutting.

No one can figure out what it is - the material is somewhat doily-like, but is it a placemat? A tree ornament? Or simply Katie's Christmas cry for help from the Craft Room where she's been locked up with ugly material and pinking shears for the last six weeks?

We would auction it off on eBay, but no one would ever believe this actually came from them.

We're still too brimming with the generosity of the holiday spirit to share in our reader's uncharitable evaluation of the card's workmanship, choosing instead to focus on the loving care that untold Sea Org laborers obviously put into each poorly executed stitch to make sure that the Cruise family's embroidered sentiments reached their intended recipients' mailboxes before the end of the year. More photos of the card (which, frankly, we find to be a significant upgrade over Cruise's heavy-handed, Scientology-pushing 2004 offering) follow:

• Previously: Hollywood Holiday Cards: Tom Cruise's Scientology Greetings [Defamer]

Happy holidays and see you in The 07!

—Mark

P.S. Please accept these incredibly disturbing images (there's a second version after the jump) of The Official Brian Grazer Headshot grafted onto adorable Christmas babies as a token of my thanks for another great year.

The AP brings up an angle we'd never considered regarding the Michael Richards Racist Tirade Incident: How might the public's lowered opinion of the man once universally beloved for playing Cosmo Kramer affect the sales of Seinfeld-inspired Festivus poles? Sales have been brisk so far this season, leading a representative from the $20,000-a-year unadorned metal rod industry to state that fans are understanding enough to look past the regrettable actions of an actor with rage issues to the real meaning of the fake holiday:

"Fans know it was a Costanza holiday, not a Kramer holiday," he said, referring to characters played by Jerry Stiller and Richards. "Anyway, Kramer eventually rejects the holiday at the end of the episode."

Gabriel Morales, 32, of Atlanta, said Richards' tirade didn't keep him from ordering a Festivus pole earlier this month.

"You know, people make mistakes, they say stupid things," said Morales, an information technology analyst who held his Festivus party early this year to coincide with a monthly dinner club. "No one at the party really cared about that either."

While it's heartening to read such expressions of forgiveness, we can't assume that all revelers will be as charitable as the one quoted above. For those having a harder time making peace with Richards' behavior, we suggest they make a powerful statement of their displeasure by hanging an effigy of the actor from their poles, giving them a symbolic target at which to direct their cathartic ire during Festivus' ritualistic airing of the grievances, and which might finally allow them to move on from the ugliness tainting their cherished holiday.

[Photo: FestivusPoles.com]

• 'Seinfeld' spurs Festivus pole sales [AP]
• Me and My Festivus Pole [FestivusPoles.com]

We pass along the above Fox.com promotional clip for 24's upcoming premiere not only because the idea of Santa Claus using CTU resources to infiltrate a chimney-free stronghold is certainly cute enough to waste two minutes of an already useless pre-holiday workday on, but to point out its missed opportunity to appeal to the series' hardcore fans: When the little girl opens that present in the final frames, it really should've contained the freshly severed head of a terrorist (a double-agent elf who sold him out as part of a convoluted plan to divert a toy shipment to the Middle East?) that Santa had to kill to ensure the completion of his Yuletide mission. Still, not a bad effort.

OK, we'll come clean: This was all just a lame pretext for posting the video of Kiefer Sutherland tackling the Christmas tree again. An encore performance of Drunken Kiefer vs. the Tannenbaum, after the jump!

"Some people are so offended, you have no idea," said Mary Loomis-Shrier, who has long erected the giant display on a lovely street south of Hollywood. "But some of my neighbors think it is great. Some of their kids drop their list of toys in my mailbox. I don't care because I love it, and it is my right." [...]

Little girls in long skirts stand across the street and stare at the glittering Santas, some mothers pull their children away, others allow their children to climb about the Santas and compliment Ms. Loomis-Shrier on her creativity.

A neighbor in a duplex across the street, Oren Atias, an Israeli, has been less than supportive, Ms. Loomis-Shrier said. He has come across the street and yelled at her, and said, " 'What kind of Jewish girl puts a Santa in the yard?' " said Ms. Loomis-Shrier and several neighbors who saw the arguments.

"I told him, 'I don't think candy canes have anything to do with religion,' " Ms. Loomis-Shrier said.

We wholeheartedly agree with the notion that candy canes should be viewed as nothing more than a delicious, nondenominational snack to be enjoyed by sweet-toothed children of all faiths during the holiday season, but we're still dismayed by the tension that Loomis-Shrier's love of Christmas is causing. The next time her neighbors want to make a fuss about the animatronic Claus who ho-ho-ho's, "What is this Hanukkah you speak of?" (really, she has one, according to the article) into a microphone, they should remember that they could easily be living a few blocks away, next door to someone with a far more offensively festive flair for lawn decoration.

• At One Jewish Home, Making Room for Santa [NY Times]

When last we saw Brian Atene, the internet's best-loved, rejected Full Metal Jacket open-auditioner, he had suddenly resurfaced within the YouTubes to prove to the world that the twenty-plus years that had passed since the recording of his inspired try-out tape had done little to blunt his unhinged flair for the dramatic. Atene has returned once again, this time to offer a cheery, Beneath the Planet of the Apes-inspired holiday wish for the eradication of mankind, an ecumenical season's greeting that applies whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa. As we are wont to say upon the presentation of a video clip: Enjoy. Also: Death to all humans.

• Christmas Greetings From General Ursus [YouTube]
• Previously: The Return Of Brian Atene (We Swear) [Defamer]

Our latest holiday gift report comes from an ICM staffer who considerately provided us with this brief review and photo of the company's small (estimated retail value: $3.95) token of appreciation for its employees, which doubles as a subtle reminder that as long as one is part of the ICM family, all of one's time belongs to the agency:

Good luck re-gifting the ICM employee Christmas present this year. Here's a photo. Notice the protective plastic applied not over the face of this cylindrical 2" made-in-China travel alarm, but on the ICM logo on the cap. ICM employees are so happy, they never need to check the clock, but any excuse to carry the company logo around when they travel is good enough for them. Too bad ICM's not generous enough to give a holiday party where employees can actually bring a date.

While not the most generous possible gift, the clocks do seem to have significant practical applications: if hurled at the head of an assistant, they're heavy enough merely to hurt, not maim, and the timepiece's Chinese-manufactured chassis ticks loudly enough to remind even the most unambitious of desk slaves of every second of his life he's wasting maintaining the call sheet of a guy who says "dude" way too much, a sure motivator to work a little harder for that promotion.

After the jump, photographic evidence that UTA did not, as we feared, merely recycle leftover chocolate for this year's Lucky Bars (estimated retail value of Golden Ticket-free bars: $1.29)—or if they did, they at least had the good sense to have stale candy spruced up in snappy new packaging:

A reader writes in with an update about where some of the Lucky Bar Golden Tickets ended up: "So far I heard an assistant at CBS Paramount won $1000, two at CBS won $100 and someone at Management 360 won $5000." Still no reports of violence against the winners by those not sufficiently appeased by a few mouthfuls of chocolate, but we expect some shortly.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Report: UTA Gives The Gift Of Chocolate. Again. [Defamer]

I'm proud to say I scored a victory for CBSers everywhere by crashing the Paramount Christmas Party last night. With my blue wrist band and three drink tickets, I toasted all those who were denied the chance to eat free Pink's chili dogs and ice skate on a rink the size of my living room. All I did was cover most of badge with my hand, so the girl handing out the bracelets couldn't see my CBS affiliation. Victory!

Actually there wasn't much to report. I missed the actual tree lighting, so I don't know whether Bono made it, but I did see the fireworks display, which scared the shit out of me. Seriously, most people didn't see what I saw - the fireworks were launched from the top of the Bludhorn building and the sparks showered down the side of the building. I fully expected the whole place to go up in flames.

The actual party was divided between Stages 5 and 6, and employees were forced to walk down a narrow street that had been converted into a "Winter Wonderland," complete with blaring holiday music and fake snow showering from the building tops. At first I thought the "snow" might have been the incinerated ashes of former assistants, but it turned out to be real. Still... it could have been their frozen tears.

The food was good, and Brad Grey stocked the party with tons of carnival games. There was even an indoor Ferris Wheel. But the best part was the Diwali themed dance party in Stage 6. Several sari-clad dancers were posted around an enormous disco floor with spotlights and laser beams. Definitely gave the place a clubby, here's-my-chance-to-hook-up-with-the-hot-intern kind of vibe. When I left, a few dozen Paramounters (or 'Mounties as we call them) were getting their sweaty grind on to smooth beats of Justin Timberlake. I just hope Dreamgirls opens big and covers the cost of this debauchery.

Another report:

The wristbands were silly. No one ever looked at mine. People brought their kindergartners, who almost certainly don't work here.

The festivities (well, "festivities") kicked off with BG's self-congratulatory speech about how totally rad his studio is. Suck-ups and/or plants scattered among the audience cheered now and then - "Paramount International? It's a dream come true!!!"

Then Rob Moore came up to the mike and adjusted it up from the official BG-sanctioned midget setting, and he and Gail Berman introduced the treelighters: fireworks! Trees, all lit up!

The white carpet, as expected, was fucking retarded. Not only were people packed in like Bono was really going to show (a rumor I hadn't heard, and if he did, it was after we left), but the overhead snow machines distracted us with their soap flakes, and no one looked down long enough to notice. Awesome.

The party involved an indoor ice skating rink, a ferris wheel, and some kind of Indian-themed dance area where you could eat curry and watch white men boogie down awkwardly. (So my idea of a good time.)

Thanks for the party, I guess, but it was pretty ostentatious. Just a little. With the, you know, ferris wheel. There are people who can't eat in Los Angeles blah blah blah. Who knows, though. Maybe they're planning on slicing up the white carpet and handing it out to deserving homeless dudes? Merry Christmas, guys. Have some dirty carpet.

And finally:

Some more tips from the incredibly "exclusive" Paramount Christmas party! I couldn't believe I actually heard Brad Grey say these words at the tree lighting..."We have turned this studio around...We are doing GREAT movies like "NACHO LIBRE..."—- to which some of us there snickered uncontrollably, and he must have heard himself say this and went on..."which I thought was hilarious; and Babel; World Trade Center..." Anyway, it was hysterical to most of us...he said it as though he had produced "Gone with the Wind"!..AND FYI "Nacho Libre" was a Sherry Lansing Paramount project....scary that's his idea of a GREAT film! Then he had the gall to imply that they are NOW involved in charities like AIDS/WALK...FYI Earl Lestz was the FIRST person to back an AIDS/WALK with Paramount BEFORE ANYBODY in Hollywood, let alone Americ,a would even touch that charity event.... The party was not only ONLY for Paramount employees, excluding vendors, CBS, ET, and others who have been on the lot for years, BUT employees were forbidden to bring ANY GUESTS...not family members who have been allowed years before, where you actually meet OTHER people's families, instead of spending ANOTHER few hours with people you see everyday...Oh, they did have a FAMILY holiday party last Sunday — for 10-14 bucks each...CLASSY GUYS.

OH-and by the way, they had security with flashlights check every TEN FRIGGIN' FEET to see your WRISTBAND!!! All that just for a free In-and-out burger!! Whatever! Paramount is becoming the TACKIEST film studio in Hollywood history — just my humble opinion!! (along with everyone else I know who works there!!)

• Previously: Paramount Holiday Party Update: Booze Tickets, White Carpets, And U2 Cameos [Defamer]

"They are also excluding all temps and contract workers. People who work here everyday, are regular and crucial members of their departments, can't go. Also, some insider info. The wristbands are just blue. There's no logo or anything on it. You can easily get these at any party supply store. Let's see some hardcore crashing and make Brad Grey really sweat!"

· "Some corrections: There will be alcohol at the party and they are handing out drink tickets just like last year—just so you don't get too drunk and lean your elbow on Brad Grey's head. There is also a rumor that Bono, Grey's friend, will be performing..."

· "Our Brad Grey XMas gift: a digital camera. Don't know the value. I'm sure eBay will provide clarity. Further, the rumor is that BG hired a decorator to take care of the Christmas decor to the tune of mid-six figures. Dunno if this is the real number or just disgruntled-assistant math, but either way, the lot is now the proud owner of a truly ridiculous, WHITE-CARPETED winter-wonderland lane running up behind the tree.

Building-to-building white carpet, folks. Apparently this is where we're spending our Cruise/Wagner savings.

PS: we get three drink tickets each. I guess the white carpet sucked up the booze fund."

Not that we would encourage anyone from the unwashed and uninvited CBS Corp masses to crash a party, but for the sake of argument, we imagine that a place like this, located just blocks away from the Melrose lot, might stock generic blue wristbands. Merry Christmas!

• Paramount, A Lot Divided: Special Holiday Party Edition [Defamer]

The industry gifting season seems to finally be upon us, as we've received a couple of reports that UTA's present to assistants lucky enough to regularly handle the agency's calls have arrived; unfortunately, they seem to have squandered an opportunity for gift-giving creativity, falling back on last year's Wonka-inspired Lucky Bar (pictured—feel free to send in a picture of this year's version for comparison purposes), perhaps hoping to clear out some boxes of spare chocolate they had left over from Christmas '05. Says a reader:

Just received my UTA Christmas Gift. Looks like they went back to last year's Golden Ticket theme. Who knows if there's a check buried in one of these things but the one I received had two passes to AMC theaters. I suppose that's appropriate. However, if the fine print on the back of these passes means that I can only get into movies with UTA clients, I'll be a little pissed.

[important to note: I didn't receive a gift from UTA last year... So it's possible that this is last year's gift that was lost in the mailroom.... For a year....]

Still no word about anyone who's unwrapped a bar to discover a Golden Ticket, finding themselves $100 to $5,000 richer (are there even money prizes this year, or are movie passes all anyone's getting?) and a prime candidate for a parking structure mugging at the hands of a greedy, call-rolling peer. Keep those gift reports coming: nothing keeps us warmer than you scoffing at associates that think you're only worth a plastic luggage tag.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Review: UTA's Divisive Chocolatey Goodness [Defamer]