Will the 63-year-old Queen win back her loyal subjects with a figure that is more relatable? Perhaps, though we think if there's any body part on Mirren that people will be scrutinizing now, it's her mouth.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Life's a beach for 63-year-old Helen Mirren as she shows off her figure in another swimsuit [Daily Mail]

She’s saying that she loves women “in general more than men”. But she has requested in the past that she be interviewed by a man because she gets on better with men. Was that true, then?

“No, it’s more that I prefer male journalists because there’s a streak of female journalism — the bitches — who are mean-spirited and nasty because you are another woman and want to make you feel crap. It’s very upsetting. I’m more careful when I’m being interviewed by a woman because, from experience as well as reading articles about other women, I know there is a little stiletto knife hidden behind the back.”

She’s laughing as she sizes me up. But she’s right. On the whole, women don’t like other women, because women are competitive with each other. She says: “In a rape case the courts in defence of a man would select as many women as they could for the jury, because women go against women. Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don’t know. But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they’re sexually jealous.”

Sadly, Iley does little to disprove the point, bragging that she wore no panties to the interview with Mirren (!) while ineloquently fixating on the actress's sexual power, as in this passage:

“My husband’s film is called Love Ranch. It’s a brothel in Nevada in the 1970s,” she says with a tiny but perceptible glint of naughtiness in her eye. [Do you play] a madam? “Of course. I’m not one of the old girls,” she laughs. She could be — very many people would definitely want to have sex with her.

Bluntly put! Get in line, Chrissy — Mirren's married, and Russell Brand's currently seeking first alternate status.

• Helen Mirren: perennial pin-up [Times Online]

After the jump: What director does DreamWorks have on tap to fill Chicago 7 with cameos by his friends?

· DreamWorks's The Trial of the Chicago 7 is courting director suitors, having met most recently with Ben Stiller, who assured Steven Spielberg he'd only go quarter-retard in his portrayal of Abbie Hoffman. [THR]
· Juan Carlos Gonzalez—who'd certainly adorn any Wheaties box celebrating the Neutral Olympics—looks to be the mediator brought in to oversee SAG-AMPTP talks. We're all but certain this will enliven the proceedings, as anyone who knows Gonzalez knows he can bring even the most bitter of enemies together through the power of mime. [THR]

Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

He said of Helen, infamous for getting her kit off for the camera: "She is so hot. There's something about her that drives me wild.

"She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form.

"They're going to have to hold me back when we start work. I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done."

Eventually, the Mail caught up with the cougar in question, who purred:

"I heard Russell fancies me. I fancy him too," [Mirren] told us. "I mean, who can resist a man that looks so good in tight trousers.

He's absolutely lovely."

Helen and Russell, while we adore you separately, we fear that a potential union between you two could end badly; after all, think of all the cocaine, date rapes, and water sports you've worked so hard to put behind you! To become romantically entangled would only bring those bad habits back to the forefront, so we must politely ask that you stay with your previous partners (Mirren with Hackford, and Brand with his elephant vagina) before the British film industry is brought down by a debilitating storm of naughty randiness.

• Russell Brand wants to bed Dame Helen Mirren [The Mirror]

• Brand new toy boy? [The Mirror]

After the jump: Salma Hayek storms Fox, Jeff Zucker reassures nobody, Earl's preem crashes.

· Completely over the success of Ugly Betty, executive producer Salma Hayek's budding media empire will next overtake Fox with the multiethnic family comedy The New McToms. [THR]
· At an exec powwow in London on Thursday, noted NBCU economist Jeff Zucker insisted that his network's value to GE "only increases if there is less coming from the financial divisions." And the Olympics? "We measure success in ways that are far greater than the bottom line." Indeed, this man has all the answers. [THR]
· And not to pile on, but last night's My Name is Earl and ER premieres were down 29% and 20%, respectively, from last year's bows. But that's OK — maybe NBC doesn't measure success that way, either. [The Live Feed]
· Director Gary Fleder has reupped with ABC to helm every episode of every ABC series produced through the end of time. Or television, whichever comes first. [Variety]

While Mirren defended a woman's right to say "no" at any point, she's not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

"I don't think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances," she continued, "It's such a tricky area, isn't it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don't think he was a rapist."

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. "I loved coke," she continues. "I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties." (She also says she hasn't touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

"Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy," she adds. "And I woke up one day and thought, 'No more of that, thank you.' "

Now that Mirren's shocking tales have made Caligula look like a fun, G-rated romp, our long-standing Defamer crush on the actress has become as confused as the plot of Teaching Mrs. Tingle. In no way do we endorse date rapes or Mike Tyson, so perhaps you'll excuse us if we take some time out to re-assess our feelings for the erstwhile Queen Elizabeth. Sure, she can fill out a cherry-red bikini like no other 63-year-old, but for now, we're going to put away our heavily-scratched DVD of Calendar Girls and reflect on a happy time when our Hollywood summer didn't seem quite so rapey.

[Photo credits: Brenna/Jason Fraser via Daily Mail]

• Helen Mirren Shocker: I 'Loved Coke' & Was Date Raped [People]

[Photo credits: Brenna/Jason Fraser via Daily Mail]

• Helen Mirren the bikini queen reigns supreme at 63 [DailyMail.co.uk]

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

• JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

· Writers strike yields a spec script boom, particularly for untested scribes with Diabo Cody-esque backstories. Really makes those days on the line worth it, huh? [THR]
· TNT loves Raymond, picking up Romano's pilot (penned with Mike Royce) Men of a Certain Age, a comic drama akin to Sideways about three men in their forties in midlife crisis. Is one of the manifestations misrepresenting one's age? Because last we checked, Romano was over 50. [Variety]
· Steven Soderbergh puts Matt Damon's box office draw to the test, casting Scott Bakula, Joel McHale, Mike O'Malley and Melanie Lynsky opposite the Bourne actor in dark, comedic thriller The Informant. [THR]

Anne Hathaway in Marchesa, Helen Mirren, and Heidi Klum in John Galliano.

Katherine Heigl, Miley Cyrus.

Ruby Dee and Julie Christie.

· The Producers Guild announces the nominees for their TV portion of the 2008 PGA Awards, with HBO and ABC leading the field with four nods each. [THR]
· The Golden Globes will present Steven Spielberg with its Cecil B. DeMille award, a statuette he'll toss on the steadily growing pile of honorary hardware he keeps in his basement—at this point in his life, only the Oscars make the mantle. [Variety]

"I was honoured to be invited to dinner at the Palace. This was a gracious gesture and very appreciated by me. It was therefore hard to have to decline. I was contracted on that date to be working in South Dakota, in a situation which was impossible to change.

I would have made every effort to attend if it had been humanly possible. I explained this to the Palace officials, and I believe they understood. I would never have the hubris or the rudeness to insult anyone who had the kindness to invite me to dinner. "

Another statement was included from the Book of Secrets production itself, like a parent's note proferred by a terror-stricken, recently absent child to a stern school headmistress.

"The "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" production company regrets that it was unable to release Ms. Mirren from her shooting schedule in order to accept the honor of dining with Queen Elizabeth last week. All attempts were made to accommodate Her Majesty's request but a very challenging and uncompromising production schedule in South Dakota, complicated further by poor weather conditions and locked-in locations, made this impossible. Ms. Mirren has only the greatest admiration and respect for the Queen, and is truly sorry that prior commitments to the production prevented her from accepting the Queen's kind and prestigious invitation."

Hopefully, that will be enough to get Mirren off the Windsor Shit List and offered a royal rain check. We can't help but foster a hope that the two women will eventually develop into BFFs, though our fantasy involving them bonding over a ceremonial stag-shooing on the grounds of Balmoral is admittedly far-fetched.

• Helen Mirren Sends Her Regrets to Palace [ABCNews.com]

So we were doing the total fan thing. We live in the desert and didn't realize that Hollywood had better security on Oscar night than any President had ever seen...but still we drove on. In the drive through at In-N-Out on Sunset, about 30 minutes after the show, we were behind on huge SUV and another security filled SUV.

One guard hopped out and stood watch over the lead vehicle. The window of the large one opened in the back revealing one Penelope Cruz. My wife and I both took note that the Governor's Ball had barely started, was she perhaps a bit miffed?

For the naysayers out there....it was confirmed by the drive through dude. We did not lead him on the question. He said, "That was Penelope Cruz..she was a total hottie!" In our constant cry for underfed actresses to have one, we were pleased she actually ATE a cheeseburger.

If celebrities are going to insist on destroying our image of them as ethereal beings with no need for greasy sustenance (even the delicious, In-N-Out kind), we'd prefer they go about it the way that Helen Mirren did at the Vanity Fair Oscar party: by lustily engaging in some deep-throating burgerporn before the eager lenses of wire service photographers. We might as well get some cheap jollies out of having our cherished beliefs crushed.

• Awards Season Isn't Over Yet: RTS Awards, Oscar Parties [Anglophenia]

· Helen Mirren, distressingly chaste during her Oscar acceptance speech, saved the sexytime talk for Oprah. Oh, to be one of her breast-cupping seraphim!
· You know what might have been the most exciting thing about these brain-smoothingly boring Oscars? This guy.
· Critics are sharply divided over whether Ellen DeGeneres was dull or unfunny.
· We always had it feeling that it would be Titanic director James Cameron who first presented us with physical evidence of the historical Jesus Christ. He never lets us down.
· Travolta's hair stylist sought inspiration in a somewhat unorthodox place, but one really can't argue with the stunning results.
· Breaking: Britney Spears might have a substance abuse problem.

· Please, we beg of you, don't watch the above piece of Mirrenporn with your speakers turned up if you work somewhere that's touchy about explicit lyrics.
· Lost film lost to airport X-ray damage. The Hanso Foundation is clearly behind this. Or, perhaps, the wily magic turtle in the top hat.
· The head of the Cartoon Network takes the fall for the Mooninite not-bomb incident. He really should've tried stonewalling with hair talk.
· Samples of the (disappointingly golden shower-free) Kim Kardashian sex tape have dribbled into the semicelebrity pornosphere.

Of course the British are often eloquent. While sweeping up awards for playing Elizabeth II in "The Queen," Ms. Mirren told the Golden Globes audience: "I honestly think this award belongs to her. I think you fell in love with her."

She echoed that at the SAG awards (and repeated what she has said on talk shows) but pulled off the speech beautifully by adding a dash of wit. "When I did my costume fittings for 'The Queen,' I walked in and I saw those sensible shoes and those tweed skirts laid out in a row and I cried; I thought, I can't play anyone who chooses to wear those clothes," she said. But, she went on, "I learned to love the person who chooses to wear those clothes, because I learned to love a person without vanity," but who has a great sense of discipline, duty and courage. She grasped what should be obvious. The trick to an acceptance is to cloak personal thanks — because we in the audience truly do not care about the spouses and agents — in an entertaining package.

While we won't be surprised if Mirren dedicates a portion of victory speech to thanking the real-life monarch who inspired her, we're holding out hope that after she runs through the obligatory list of agents and family members she needs to mention, she'll fulfill her promise of giving herself over to the Kodak Theatre-shaking big O she's been eagerly anticipating, forcing the show's frantic producers to try and drown out her moans of celebratory ecstasy with the swelling strings and frenzied trumpet blasts of the orchestra.

• ... And I Want to Thank That Same Bunch. Again. [NY Times]

On the cover of the new Los Angeles magazine with Helen Mirren on the cover, it looks like she has a tattoo on her hand. And that tattoo looks weirdly like the William Morris logo. Do you know if this is required of all clients?

Not knowing offhand which agency reps Mirren, we turned to Studio System, which reveals that it's CAA, not William Morris, with the rights to ten percent of her soul. While this fact would seem to eliminate the possibility that the mysterious* mark designates that she's currently the property of WMA, we offer another explanation of its purpose: it's intended as some sort of distress signal calling out to any sharp-eyed William Morris agent brave enough to risk his life liberating her from CAA's captivity.

[*Actually, not so mysterious if you have access to The Googles.]

• Complete Helen Mirren Coverage [Defamer]