Yes, this challenge on our favorite NASCAR sewing race left us totally befuddled. Our hapless designers had to use their past winning looks as inspiration for a new look that would accompany them. So, it's kind of like take a winner and try to do it again. That makes sense. However, if the winner looks are such duds, that they don't't really make for such great touchstones to launch into the future. And Logan's wasn't even a winner. It was the only piece of his clothing they actually like that isn't the tight, shiny pants that he wears that make his little tush look so tasty! Then guess what happened? They gave them some money, told them go to Mood and make whatever the fuck they want. Way to really mix it up and get them out of their comfort zone by having access to the exact same materials they had access to before and telling them to make something just like something they made in the past. This isn't about innovation, it is about regurgitation.

Things We Hated:

• There Are No One-Trick Ponies This Year: Well, actually, there are plenty but no one is getting called out for it, because we don't have the same judges two weeks in a row! That's right, Queen Tangerine was fighting the Great Bronzer Uprising of 2009 in her home kingdom last night and could not be on hand to judge the challenge. So, Carol Hannah is all "I shouldn't make a dress, they're going to notice that I only do dresses." No they won't! They don't even know your name, how can they know your design aesthetic. This infurates me, because it means that good designers—Epperson, Shinira, Spell Check (ha, just kidding)—have been kicked out for having a bad week when we have people like Logan, Gordana, and Christopher still hanging around like that button on your winter coat that you know, just know, is going to fall off any day now and every day it annoys you but you think, "I can get rid of it tomorrow," so you just leave it there to dangle indefinitely until it falls off in a cab or the gutter somewhere never to be heard from again. They're just like that.
• Althea Hates Bras: Apparently part of the inspiration she took from her first look was letting her models titties just flop around like ADD toddlers in the back seat of a station wagon. Just because you're as flat as the pre-Columbian world doesn't mean that your model is. Get her an undergarment!
• Not Knowing What Is Good and What Is Bad: Usually when the six final winners and losers are called to stay on the runway, there is some idea about who is good and who is bad. Last night, everyone got to stay, but we had no idea what the judges were going to think, because they were all pretty shitty and uninspired. That makes us sad like the death of a kitten from swine flu.
• Heidi's Motherfucking Outfit: What the fuck was Heidi wearing at judging? (If you want to, you can click on it below. It's number 7, and it is the scariest thing you will see this Halloween). We had to rewind to make sure that we saw it correctly, because at first we thought she was Liberace's houseboy who washed up on shore after doing too much meth during the costume party of a gay cruise. Let's break it down. First, there is a blue blazer, that looks Ralph Lauren Polo enough, until you notice that there are random patches of sparkle on the sleeves. Did a bunch of Bob Mackie's sequin shit rub off on her when he was a guest judge? Then, she is wearing a pink, printed, ruffled, tuxedo shirt. This points out the problem of conjunctions in fashion. Just imagine the difference between a stylist saying "Wear that with pink or a print or a ruffle or a tuxedo shirt," and saying "Wear that with a shirt that is pink and a print and a ruffle and a tuxedo!" And then, and then, we have to discuss the sparkly Bermuda short situation. Now, fetish gear can be great to spice up the bedroom, but please, do not wear it outside the house, especially when it looks like something Team Rainbow might have worn in the Las Vegas AIDSRide in 1999. Does Heidi realize that the show she hosts is about fashion! Did nobody realize this ensemble before it sashayed down the runway like a hooker looking for its pimp? What did Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine say? Why didn't Nick speak out? And why do they continue to let this woman continue to judge other people's clothes!
• Using the Model's Names: Just because they have their own show now does not mean we care about them, their personalities, or their feelings. Please stop using their names. They are not people, they are the help.
• "Celebrities": One of the positives of the move to L.A. was supposed to be that we would get celebrities on the show. Who have we gotten? Rachel Bils-who? Milla Jovo-who? Lindsay Lohan (we know her), Christina Aguillera (her too, but we forgot about her for awhile), and Kerry Who-shington? Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker was on the show in New York? Just saying.
• Neutrals: Does the palatial L.A. Mood not have a color aisle? Why is every outfit every week either grey, black, white, brown, beige, or something else that is the color of emu vomit. At this point navy blue would be so bright that it would burn up the retinas of all the designers like a film strip left in the projector too long. If someone wants to differentiate themselves, why not make something out of bright yellow neoprene with a giant octopus jizz stain on it. Oh, Ra'Mon. How we long for your apostrophe-riddled days of yore.

Things We Loved:

• Nick Verreos: What a delightful surprise! Nick was kicked off way too early in season two and was one of the most talented and likeable designers in Runway history, and he filled in for Ms. Kors last night. Rather than a shrill, orange gay in a dumpy outfit, we got a witty, naturally olive gay in a dapper ensemble and it made us weep nostalic tears of joy. We're starting a campaign right now: for the upcoming L.A. seasons, replace Ms. Kors with Mr. Verreos. He's smart, knowledgeable, funny, and he knows exactly what the designers are going through on the show. He may not have the name recognition of Michael Kors, who is well know to all TJ Maxx shoppers the world over, but all the Runway diehards know who he is, and that will go a long way toward making us kinda sorta deal with this Lifetime bullshit.
• Gordana The Kung Fu Mom: She may murder Smurfs with her hands and the audience with her boring clothes, but Gordana actually made us laugh last night when she made a funny and said she was going to kick everyone's ass like a "kung fu mom." Oh, the delicious delusion! And how cute were her baby pictures in Bosnia or Serbia or wherever her and Uncle Gargamel are from. Aww.
• Althea Sees Past Logan's Sparkly Tight Pants: "Just because he's cute, he thinks he can do whatever he wants." Yes, Althea, he can, but don't you let him get away with it. You go and win this challenge and show him who is the homely boss!
• Mean-a Irina: This is what the designers call her, and as much as we hate anyone who says "I'm not here to make friends," we love her for being the only one interesting enough to watch on live television. If only she know how to make something that wasn't the color of baby diarrhea.

In the end, we were spared ever having to look at our former crush Logan and his droopy condom of a hat again. Althea won, for some strange reason, but no one deserved to. Althea's winner looked like something Daniel V made and then euthanized, because it was too ugly to live. Logan's loser would be the butt of every joke Jay McCarroll ever made. Carol Hannah's was some boring babydoll thing that Santino Rice could poop out in 26 minutes. Christopher's looked like the best thing that Wendy Pepper ever made, which means it deserves a special medal of disgusting. Irina's was actually like the first dress that Laura Bennett ever made when she was 15 and paired with a sweater she bought at Goodwill. And Gordana's was the visual equivalent of Ambien.

We're going to snore our way through the videos now to see Althea and Irina accuse others of theft, and to see everyone just laugh at Christopher. It will be worth the journey, but just remember this is a monster at the end of this book, and it's name is Heidi.

Turn Down the Volume
Context: Christopher decides to buy as much cheap fabric as he can to make a giant dress. Logan thinks he's nuts. He's right, but that doesn't mean that Logan isn't going home anyway!
Vision: To take a perfectly nice, original party dress, and make a giant version of it that looks like "one dress throwing up another dress." Thank you, Irina.
Delusion: That there is no such thing as too much of a bad thing. More is not better, you size queen.
What Would Nina Say?: "Heidi (snicker) where did you get those knickers?"
Dramometer: 3

Under the Gunn
Context: Carol Hannah is clueless, as she usually is the first two hours of a challenge. Tim Gunn comes over and inspires her to create a "fabulous textile moment."
Vision: To put a colored fabric on top of a black fabric, to make it black. And then design a kind of cute, but ininspired dress. With pockets!
Delusion: That green and black doesn't make black. Black will not set you apart unless you are Christian Siriano and actually have some design talent.
What Would Nina Say?: "Hey, Heidi. I don't think your (hehe) jacket is sparkly enough."
Dramometer: 2

The Heart of Darkness
Context: Althea thinks that Logan is using her "zipper collar" idea from the Christian Aguillera challenge. She asks Irina if she should say something. Being the resident bitch, Irina tries to blow on the spark to make a towering blaze. We love that Irina is bringing her down with her.
Vision: To call someone out for stealing your vision.
Delusion: To think that Althea is actually strong enough to stand up to anyone.
What Would Nina Say?: "Hey, Heidi. Who made your shirt? The Bozo collection?"
Dramometer: 7

Runway Arrogance
Context: Althea watches her winning outfit walk down the runway.
Vision: Something nice and safe inspired by the nice safe thing that won her a challenge the first time around.
Delusion: That she doesn't need to give this girl a bra. Seriously. Her boobs like like the eyes on a hammer head shark.
What Would Nina Say?: "No, Heidi. You really look great. Right Nick?"
Dramometer: 3

Back Talk
Context: Heidi calls Althea out for her outfit looking like Irina's. Althea defends herself honorably. Irina goes for the bitchy gusto and says that Althea is copying her look from last week. Althea is still to classy to bring up the Logan thing.
Vision: Irina steals Althea's idea of accusing another designer of stealing her ideas.
Delusion: That this tactic will work. Mr. Verreos is having none of it.
What Would Nina Say?: "Why don't one of you make a look based on Heidi's outfit instead. That wouldn't bore me."
Dramometer: 8

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

The Legion of Klum!

• The Wrap reports that Project Runway's move to Lifetime has not quite worked out as Harvey Weinstein and company expected. After a very strong debut, ratings have fallen off more than 20 percent. Worse for Lifetime, having the show on its network, for which it paid a hefty price, has done little for its overall ratings picture. In fact, Lifetime's ratings in the critical 18 - 49 female demo are off 13 percent from last year. On the other hand, after losing its signature show, Bravo's ratings are up this year by 5 percent in the 18- 49 demo, and it had its "best ratings quarter ever this summer." So who is auf now Frau Klum? [The Wrap]

• Anthony Hopkins has signed on to play Thor's dad Odin in the Marvel film adaptation of its comic book series. Chris Hemsworth will star as the thunder god, while Natalie Portman will take on the thankless love interest role. Kenneth Branagh is, amazingly, directing. [Variety]

• And the new Mad Max will be...Charlize Theron. Little is known about the working script, but the Oscar winner will apparently be the front woman in director George Miller's reboot of the classic series. [Variety]

• Sethe MacFarlane's American Dad has been renewed for a sixth season. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Sony reported its fourth straight quarter of losses, although the hurt this past quarter was not as bad as analysts had predicted. The company saw sales fall off another 20 percent overall. The motion picture division saw a "30.4% year-on drop in sales — or 20% on a U.S. dollar basis. But as the NY Times reminded us this weekend, what matters is that Michael and Amy really really like each other. [Variety]

• Tensions flared at the wrap of the theater owner's ShowEast conference over the taking forever rollout of digital technology. The Hollywood Reporter reported, "it sounded more like a threat than a promise when University Mall Theatres' Mark O'Meara kicked off one d-cinema presentation by declaring, 'Digital cinema is here to stay.'" [Hollywood Reporter]

• Prepare yourself for Fish Hooks. The first new animated show to be greenlit by the Disney Channel in three years will soon be tormenting your dreams as it is forced down grown-up America's throats by a nation of over-hyped children. [Hollywood Reporter}

Yes, we have a bunch of divorced brides on last night, and they wanted to turn their wedding dresses into something new and fashionable for a "new chapter" in their lives. Except some of the ladies were divorced more than a decade, so this outfit is more like the fourth book an author churns out to follow up on a successful trilogy 10 years after it was completed because he needs the money to pay his child support bills. Each of the designers got saddled with a "client" who got input into what they should make and they had a limited budget and limited amount of fabric, so they had to rely on the all dressed in white these ladies marched down the aisle to meet their ill-fated grooms.

Not a bad challenge, but we saw it before with fat brides who wanted a skinny outfit, and we liked it better then, because getting skinny is always a better cause for new couture than being single. And of course, having to listen to clients, especially in a wedding-related challenge is always a killer for some weak-willed designer who won't stand on their own.

What We Hated:

• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine: We never thought we'd say this, Nina, but we hate you. We hate your blithe disregard for not showing up to do your job. Yes, being on Runway is your real job. The only reason Marie Claire hired you was so that they could get their ass on the show and hopefully get some of that mojo that Elle acquired by placing itself in the center of every silly reality contest on the globe. That's right, NGFDMCM was absent again this week. The last time she was a judge was at the last Salem witch trial in 1692. And when you're gone, we're saddled with Second Assistant Headmistress Zanna Roberts, who we don't like, mostly because she's not you. It's time to wake up and go to work, Nina.
• Nicolas: Who is the most vile, untalented, lucky, and annoying person on this season? The answer is Fat Kurt Cobain. We will also accept Adult Chucky for partial credit. This week he even made an admittedly ugly outfit, and he gets away with impunity. Even when he won in the movie challenge, he robbed the victory from Christopher and Epperson. And then he talks shit about everyone else and has really bad hair. We hate him. And not in a fun way like we hate Santino and Kenley. In a bad way, like we hate Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts and Lifetime.
• Listening to the Client: Contestants on Runway that listen to the client are as stupid as the castaways on Survivor who don't learn how to make a fire before being stranded on a desert island. They are easy things to learn, and both will get you booted off the show something quick. So, for all future Runway contestants, I'm going to spell it out now: never listen to the client, dumbass. They are ugly untrained masses who probably buy polar fleece at Old Navy. They are like a 4 year old that wants ice cream for dinner, and you are a very stern mother who must tell them that, while that sounds fun, you'll be better off without it. Whip them up a nice tuna casserole, and they'll think it's tasty and Ms. Kors is always hungry, so she'll be happy you brought leftovers.
• The Macy's Accessory Wall: Please, stop making Tim Gunn tell us to go there every week. No one uses it, ever. And then, two designers grabbed a bag off of it this week when they had bad outfits, hoping that just having a purse up there might make Heidi and Co say "Wow, they used the Macy's Accessory Wall" and they would be so distracted they wouldn't see the trail of ugly before them. It didn't work. Also, it reminds me of Tamara Melon's daughter's dress-up box, which is full of tired and worn selections that no one really likes, but they trot them out just to have a laugh. That does not make me want to shop at Macy's.
• No One has a Point of View: There are a few talented designers on this season—like Irina, Shirin, Christopher, Epperson, and Althea—but I would never see a garment and say "Oh, that is a Shirin." Shit, I can still barely tell the difference between her and Irina! In the past, even the crappy designers had an aesthetic. Yes, sometimes it would get boring when Laura or Chloe would trot out similar things each week, but at least they had some personality.
• Models of the Runway: I know I vowed not to discuss it. But I hate this show more and more each week, and how they take precious time out of our Runway to promote it even when they aren't using the stupid models. If all the hatred in my heart wasn't occupied with lady vitamin commercials on Lifetime, this abomination would get even more.

Things We Loved:

• Tamara Melon: Again, the guest judge chair is a seat of honor. If this were a Valentine's episode of The Simpsons, we'd Choo-Choo-Choose You, Tamara. She is fair to the good designers, and delivers a stiletto to the throat of the horrible. Our new favorite guest judge. And how did they land a real designer like her? Oh, she works for Halston, which happens to be owned by The Weinstein Company. Oh, crafty!
• Heidi's Outfits: We may not know what to call Just Say Heidi, but she looked great last night. Maybe Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine gives her bad fashion advice so that Heidi will look stupid on camera, and now that NGFDMCM is gone, she's improved.
• Fewer People, More Sewing: The best part of this show is watching talented people do something we could never do at home. Now that the pack has been thinned a bit, we don't have to spend as much time with all the dead weight and we can actually see a bit of the creative process.
• Everyone's Over Logan: Nothing about how hot he is this week, and his design sucked and his shiny pants couldn't save him. Here's what it feels like to be an ugly, Logan. Get used to it.
• Oktoberfest Moments: We heard this phrase more than once last night. We're sure calling outfits "moments" has been in fashion parlance for years, but in pop cultural parlance it started with Rachel Zoe—along with "bananas," "shut it down," and "I DIE!" Where is Zoe's show? Bravo! So, it just goes to show you, Lifetime, you can take your judges off of Bravo, but you can't take the Bravo out of your judges. Suck on that, lady vitamins!

In the end, Gordana justifiably won with her tattered dress made out of the lining of her bridal gown. When her client said she wanted something "punk rock" we thought, "Good luck!" But that was just the push this usually safe seamstress need to go from making something competent to making something great. Also, we learned why her hands are always black. It is because her brother is Gargamel, and he ships Smurfs back from the old country and she mashes them between her hands and then uses the juice to dye fabric. There is always a bit of pain in beauty. Shirina's dresses (that is both Shirin and Irina, since we can't tell them apart anyway) were both good, but not great.

Fighting for the night's ugliest award was Logan and Epperson, and it was our wise silent sage who went gently into that good night to clean up his workspace and go home. We bet he flipped off the camera and made a really ugly face on the way out, but never spoke a word. But really, everyone was competing for the ugly award last night, especially Fat Kurt Cobain who dressed his client up in another Oktoberfest nightmare, and he didn't even end up on the worst dressed list. Clearly he deserved a calling out more than Christopher, who also had an ugly bloated gown that looked like Laura Palmer when she was fished out of the river covered in plastic. Our Girl Althea made a rare misstep and Carol Hannah looked like she made something for the J. McCarroll line at JCPENNEY. A bunch of ugly, people. You all deserved a harsh drubbing.

Oh, and somebody got one. For more on Epperson, Evil Fat Kurt Cobain, and Oktoberfest, we are taking our steins to the videos in the biergarten. Prost!

Don't Listen to The Client
Context: Shirina meets with her model, and she wants a dress to perform in that is like Cher at the Oscars. Shirina makes the smart move of not listing to her. Never listen to the client, people!
Vision: A crazy, fashion-forward stripper ensemble that Bob Mackie would love.
Delusion: That a 23 year old straight girl will know what Cher "Half Breed" is. If she had said it to Fat Kurt Cobain, he would have said, "Work!" and tilted his head back and snapped his fingers and gotten out the feathers. He would have listened and gone home, and we would all rejoice by playing Cher songs.
What Would Tamara Mellon Say: "Darling, I just hate Cher, but I love her plastic surgeon."
Dramometer: 5

Under the Gunn
Context: Shirina is having a hard time grasping the challenge, and doesn't know what to make. Grampa Gunn offers her some advice and a Werther's Original.
Vision: That listening to Tim Gunn will save you.
Delusion: No delusion there. "Don't listen to the client" is as true as "Always listen to Tim." Shirina didn't win, but she came close.
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, I would offer you a job working for Halston, but you're prettier than me, and we can't have that."
Dramometer: 4

Smells Like Fat Kurt Cobain Spirit
Context: Nicolas is a turd. He tells his divorcee that his outfit looks great on her, and then calls it an ugly piece of shit behind her back. He's right. It is. She looks like a schizophrenic Ewok princess. Still, somehow, the judges don't rip him apart over this.
Vision: "But it's what she wanted."
Delusion: Fat Kurt, what did we tell you before. God, don't you people listen!
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, she looks like when my daughter dressed up as Swamp Thing for Halloween."
Dramometer: 5

Runway Arrogance
Context: Gordana watches her winning garment go for a stroll.
Vision: To rely on her skills as a seamstress and make something that is a little bit more wild and creative than usual.
Delusion: None. Gargamel will be so proud.
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, I think I stole this out of Vivianne Westwood's closet once at a party. I had too much coke and champagne and I probably shouldn't have, but it fit so well!"
Dramometer: 2

Judge, Jury, Executioner
Context: Epperson not only got the boot, but he got a beautiful tongue lashing from all the judges, except Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts. She is not allowed to speak. This one was harsh, and a classic. At least he didn't cry. Also, we love hearing Heidi speak German.
Vision: That no one is going to make fun of this crazy ass get up.
Delusion: The judges were delusional for sending Epperson home and not Logan with his ugly Oktoberfest vest and pants. How do you say "gross" in German?
What Would Tamara Melon Say: Watch for yourself!
Dramometer: 8

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

And that is what we got last night in an episode that was soaked in more estrogen than a barrage of commercials about tampons, pregnancy tests, and The September Issue. Thanks Lifetime. With a lack of Michael Kors (bronzer accident?) and a female replacement judge and a challenge that focused entirely on the unborn twins bathing in the glory of Rebecca Romijn's amniotic fluid, the boys really stood no chance last night, and many of them managed to fail quite spectacularly. It's not easy to make a cute outfit for a discerning lady who played a tranny on network television, especially if you have a penis. In fact we had all ladies in the top three and three nice (gay) gentlemen on the bottom. Is this how Lifetime works? Are they going to kick queers out of the fashion industry one elliptical-machine tightened ass at a time? After last night, we wouldn't blame them.

What We Hate:

• Mitchell: If this kid spent as much time sewing as he did clowning around the work room, maybe he wouldn't have sent a naked model down the runway last week and made a pair of shorts this week that looked like a fabric sling MacGyver would make out of a used poncho, a pile or rubber bands, and some bacon grease. Mitchell, as every reality show contestant ever will tell you: you are not here to make friends, you are here to win. Start acting like it.
• Spell Check: That is our affectionate name for Qristyl, who can't go to Mood without having a conniption. Last week she had to open a pair of scissors and cut her own fabric. This week she littered a table with buttons. Deep cleansing breaths, girl, it's only a fabric store. And if you piss off everyone who works there, they are not going to help you find that champagne organza that you need to make your delusional vision come true. Then you're fucked.
• Hot Tranny Meth's Model Walk: Did you see Johnny (aka Hot Tranny Meth) trying to teach his model how to walk the runway? You are not tall, black, or fierce enough to be Miss J. Stop trying. Your outfit kinda rocked this week though, so we're being kind.
• Monique Lhuillier: The replacement for Michale Kors was way too nice. That bores us. And Nina, who does not like the competition.

What We Love:

• Louise: For some reason, kooky Kenley Jr. reminds us of folk singer Susanne Vega, and that makes us love her. We take back our hatred from last week.
• Logan Shirtless: The everyone-getting-ready montage was back last night, and we got a few fleeting seconds of our beloved without his top on. It was as wonderful as walking the red carpet and having everyone scream your name repeatedly while being blinded by flashbulbs.
• Stella jokes: At one point Ra'Mon made an allusion to last season's punk-rock leatherista Stella Zotis. Genius. However, we're not sure that this is even legal. Doesn't Bravo own her likeness, creativity, and soul in this media and every media not yet created from now until Andy Cohen takes his final dirt nap? You better be careful. One Christian Siriano impersonation, and your ass will get sued!
• Skinny Models, Big Bellies: We haven't seen anything this absurd and wonderful since dropping acid at Cirque du Soleil.
• Rebecca Romijn's Heidi Impersonation: Her flirty/sassy goodbye while leaving the runway with our stalwart host was spot on, totally hilarious, and shows she gets the caricature that is Ms. Klum. We're totally team Rebecca.

In the end, there were some designers who had vision, like Shirin who won for her flowing maroon number with a wonderful waist above the baby bump (the tabloids should be damned for creating annoying alliterative idiom) and a lined jacket, which, in Runway-land means an automatic win. Also of note was our girl Althea, whose full-length navy gown looked like an awning at first, but later was tailored into something that showed off her craft and mode her model look amazing. And yes, Hot Tranny Meth pulled it out with a mid-length grey dress with contrast edging and a crazy goobledigoo on one shoulder.

But there were more who were delusional. Epperson (who we are convinced is mute, because he has not said one thing in two episodes) should have been called out for being two braid buns away from making a pregnant Princess Leia costume. Irina's dress was cute, but it had this crazy thing over half the waist that not only made the bump look huge, but also like the embylical cord was trying to grow up the mother's side. And, of course, crazy Malvin, whose concept for a mother and egg dress was just fat too extreme for the natural world. It would have done much better if it stayed in his head.

For more on that—to the videos!

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Thanks to Mitchell, Ra'mon realizes that the dress he is making is a piece of shit. He can't handle Mitchell's teasing, which he then tries to cover up with lies about how good it looks. Like Mitchell should be saying anything, because his outfit is even worse. But they laugh. Oh, these two will giggle all the way to the apocalypse.
Vision: That maybe highlighting a pregnant lady's belly with bright purple fabric wasn't the best idea.
Delusion: That maybe the judges won't notice.
What Would Nina Say?: "I noticed that your model's belly is covered in purple fabric."
Dram-ometer: 4

Under the Gunn
Context: Crazy gay installation artist Malvin would much rather make a fabric sculpture than, you know, something that a real human can wear. He comes up with chickens and eggs as a symbol for pregnant ladies. Oh, Malvin. Tim schools him, and he realizes that the only acceptable time for jodhpurs is the fox hunting number in Mame.
Vision: That listening to Tim Gunn can save him. A very wise vision.
Delusion: That his creation was worth saving.
What Would Nina Say?: "The point of clothing is to have something to wear."
Dram-ometer: 3

Runway Arrogance
Context: Despite realizing that he's making a piece of shit, Ra'mon is momentarily blinded by the apostrophe in his name and thinks that he might actually win, because his piece is different.
Vision: Doing something outside the norm will set him apart.
Delusion: Believing the reason that other people's ensembles all look the same isn't because they're doing something right, but because they are boring and that he will triumph for being a visionary. Sorry, Ra'mon. Too much delusion, not enough vision.
What Would Nina Say?: "Just because you are different doesn't make you right."
Dram-ometer: 7

Runway Arrogance Justified
Context: Shirin watches her winning creation march to victory.
Vision: Make a flattering dress, build a jacket and line it. And don't make people hate you while doing it.
Delusion: None here. Gold stars all around for Shirin.
What Would Nina Say?: Nina never gives praise. She just bows her head in acknowledgment.
Dram-ometer: There's is no drama in a home run.

Back Talk
Context: Malvin thinks the judges care about what he has to say as opposed to the clothing he just made. It is a lackluster defense, because he knows he's doomed.
Vision: If he explains, they will get it, and put him on the cover of Elle Marie Claire.
Delusion: See above.
What Would Nina Say?: See for yourself!
Dram-ometer: 3

The Cruelty of Live as Chronicled on Models of the Runway

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

Well, you can expect pretty much the same. Heidi will speak with her telephone operator of doom voice, Tim Gunn will gather the kids around, fashion dominatrix Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Elle Marie Claire magazine will say something bitchy, and Michael Kors will cackle his little cackle and all the children will run and hide.

Of course, they are now in L.A. at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising instead of Parsons and there's a new magazine sponsor (way to get fired, Nina!), but they will still shop at Mood and send the models to that palace of beauty, the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Room. Oh, and let us not forget about the All-Star Challenge before the premiere with all of your favorite returning contestants, and the new show Models of the Runway which follows the runway drones do something other than show off the designs. Just what, we're still not sure.

The only variable is always the contestants, who we'll all probably hate tomorrow, except for the ones we love, and we will hate them by the middle of next week.

Speaking of contestants, the finalists' collections were already shown at Fashion Week last February, so the whole world has already seen them (and you can too). There are only three, which means there is no fourth collection to throw off the dogs about who is in and who is out, or in a cruel twist of fate, there are only two finalists and Lifetime has outsmarted us all. We have a hard time believing that.

So, we peeped the looks and compared them to the designer's portfolio's on the show's site and we think we have sussed out just who we're going to be stuck with until the skinny lady sings.

Collection 1: Lots of knits and black pants and leggings. Zero color. There's a bit of inventive draping, but there are also those stupid little gloves that don't even go to the wrist. It belongs to:

Logan Neitzel, lover of John Galliano. He uses the same shiny fabrics, muted colors and over-sized flourishes. Plus, he looks like the kind of boy who would love those stupid gloves.

Collection 2: Lots of draping without a bow, flounce, belt, or asymetrical doo-dad over one shoulder that it doesn't like. It belongs to:

Viviane Westwood wannabe Althea Harper, who uses just as much embellishment and loves something over only one shoulder. Just look at the picture.

Collection 3: It is black like the tortured heart of a poet. There are lots of pants and shredded things. Oh, and stupid hats. It belongs to:

Irinia Shabayeva, who channels Jean Paul Gaultier. She also loves black, and pants and crazy-shaped pants. Though, she does look too fabulous for those hats.

Of course it's Lifetime's fault. It's the exact same show, other than the fact it's set in L.A. and now on Lifetime. Sure, the show's new network is advertising the design competition's debut in magazines and subway cars and on television, but it's not getting the traction that Bravo's campaigns always did—possibly because the ads only show host Heidi Klum and the show's mentor/mascot Tim Gunn, and not any of the contestants. Even though the finale for season six has already been filmed, it seems like we know nothing about the new batch of designers that will be bitching about bobbins starting Thursday.

Also, Bravo knew how to bring the mania up to a fever pitch. They would advertise a new season relentlessly and show marathons of previous seasons for entire weekends getting the fans back in the mood. Lifetime doesn't have that luxury. Also, we spend a lot of time watching Bravo (hello, various Housewives, Flipping Out, Top Chef, and Andy Cohen) and only tune into Lifetime to catch the odd Golden Girls rerun. Even if they did have spots for the new season, we wouldn't see them.

And just today, the channel that specializes in television for women (and gay men), sent out a press release alerting the world that Runway has a MySpace page. MySpace?! Is it 2005? A show about fashion can not afford to be out of touch. It's all about Facebook and Twitter these days. Oh, speaking of Facebook, Lifetime's version of the show is on there and has 25,413 fans whereas the Bravo seasons have 122,534 fans. Burn.

Lifetime just doesn't seem to have the street cred to carry this thing off. No matter what they do, their Runway will always be a knock off purse compared to Bravo's Louis Vuitton. It may look the same, smell the same, and even have the same logo, but we all know it came from Canal Street and there is nothing you can do to sell it as the real thing.

Or, as a huge fan of the show more succinctly told us when asked if he was excited about the new show: "L.A.? Lifetime? No."

But hey, what can you expect—he's a Hollywood actor who lives on a farm in Kentucky! And Heidi Klum looked sort of traumatized by him. God bless Steve Zahn.

Vid via NBC.com

According to Racked:

We never saw the three finalists-just their collections. The first was urban, body-conscious, and leather-heavy; the second dramatic and feminine; and the third, which struck us as the most sophisticated, involved a lot of structured jackets, big sweaters, and Peter Pan hats.

Based on these descriptions and the photos below, we think we can safely determine the following:

Designer #1: The quiet female contestant from Des Moines, Iowa, whose designs are "urban" and "street" for some reason.
Catchphrase: "Z.X. and Candelabra got into a bitch-fight at Mood and I was just like, 'No drama, homies.' (Sigh)."

Designer #2: The older villain who channels his inability to break into the upper echelons of the fashion world into chain-smoking and less-clever-than-he-thinks put-downs.
Catchphrase: "Listen: I've designed red carpet looks for Ali Larter and Vivica A. Fox, Okaaay?"

Designer #3: The adorable, gay fan favorite.
Catchphrase: "Oh. My God. That emline-hay is SO abulous-fay!"

Also, Heidi Klum was dressed like a main character's one-shot lesbian cousin from Dynasty. That is all.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• "Yes, her big, enormous coattails!" Joop shrieked. Then he snatched a hoop and stick away from some German schoolchildren, pointed and laughed at an Asian baby wearing a hat, jumped into his teeny-tiny car and sped off into the Black Forest, where he lives in a crumbling candy house. [P6]
• Apparently Sarah Jessica Parker got Anna Wintour to crack a smile at Fashion Week. They were at the Alexander Wang show. So... you know. Or, SJP ran around the tent faster and faster, while Russian circus music blared fuzzily on the speakers overhead. [Gatecrasher]
• Lily Allen likes drugs and likes to talk about them, especially in regard to your children and whether or not they should do them: "Parents should say, ‘Drugs might seem fun, but they do funny things to your brain. Some people react to it good, some don't. Try it and see what you think,'" she told a Dutch magazine recently. Which is actually sound advice, except you might inadvertently be telling your child to do heroin. Which, last time I checked, not many people had reacted "good" to. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Brown says he is sorry for maybe hitting his girlfriend Rihanna, and that he is seeking the counsel of his pastor and mother. We'd suggest he seek the counsel of, you know, counsel. [Sun]
• On Valentine's Day, Britney Spears drove around town in her Mini Cooper convertible, an unidentified man seated next to her. When asked who he was, Spears responded "Oh you could see him too?? Oh, phew. OK. No, no. It's nothing. I just... I was just worried it was happening again." [Sun]
• British singer Duffy spent Valentine's Day exactly like you did. Wearing a pink wig, surrounded by a bunch of gay dudes. [Mirror]
• Salma Hayek married a French tycoon in Paris over the weekend. Insiders at the ceremony say that the priest had Hayek say her vows over a few times, trying to get her to be "a little less wooden" each time. [Us]

TOM CRUISE was having lunch with about 15 other people, including his mom and craaaazy sister. It was a corner table outside. I was inside, just watching so couldn't hear what they said. They all had champagne, but I couldn't tell which kind, Moet I think. He had a salad. I think it's called the MacArthur salad, or something like that. He did not make eye contact with anyone in the restaurant when he left, despite my open staring at him. He did say goodbye or thanks or something to the hostess when he left. He was in all black and didn't look short or anything. I think he looked actually pretty good, sorry. I was super bummed Suri and Katie weren't there.

After Tom left his mom came back to the resaurant with five of the women from the lunch and they had what looked like a business meeting. Scary. HEIDI KLUM and MARK WAHLBERG were also there, at different tables. She was pretty, but mildly boring. JEREMY PIVEN walked in through the restaurant twice, but he didn't stay. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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What may have seemed like a little fun for the German supermodel has deeply upset Hindu scholars, who feel Klum should make a public apology for posing as a sacred figure.

Indo-American statesman Rajan Zed says, "Goddess Kali is highly revered in Hinduism and she is meant to be worshipped in temples and not to be used in clubs for publicity stunts or thrown around loosely for dramatic effects.

"Hindus welcome Hollywood and other entertainment industries to immerse themselves in Hinduism, but they should take it seriously and respectfully, and not just use the religion for decoration or to advance their selfish agenda. Casual flirting sometimes results in pillaging serious spiritual doctrines and revered symbols and hurting the devotees."

Klum was asked by reporters how she came up with the idea. She responded:

“It was actually my assistant’s idea. [Seal] and I were in India last year, so she said, ‘Why don’t you do an Indian goddess? Like a scary Indian goddess?’ And I said ‘OK!’ So then she Googled around and she found Kali and showed me a picture, and I loved it. I loved it because she’s so mean and killed all these different people and [had] fingers hanging off [her] and little shrunken heads everywhere"

If her heart was really that set on coming as a female warrior with extra appendages, we really wish she would have just taken our Defamer Costumes suggestion of 12-fingered Bond girl Gemma Arterton. Sure, it might not have had the "wow" factor of a Kali, but then again it posed far less of a risk of alienating a billion worshipers worldwide.

[Photo credit: FilmMagic via Best Week Ever]

This morning, about 10:45am, I was returning some clothes to the Michael Kors store on Rodeo Drive when I had to cross a big picket line of shouting strikers (all male writers, WGA posters and banners) protesting "Project Runway." They had pulled the fire alarm on the nearby Valentino store also, adding to the noise of their shouting. I walked past them and the two security guards and went to enter the store, and upon opening the front door was startled to see Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum staring at me! They were obviously shooting a segment for the upcoming season, as there were lights and baffling filling the entire showroom. I quickly shut the door and ended up giving my good to a saleswoman who cam around from the back. There was a huge crowd watching all of this and taking pictures. I don't know how they are going to edit this as I'm certain the yelling and commotion could be heard inside the store.

While we sympathize with their cause, we would never condone committing illegal acts of vandalism or mischief in order to get a point across. Interrupting a location shoot with chants of "Heidi Heidi Heidi Ho! Klum and Kors have got to go!" is one thing, therefore, but setting off a neighbor's fire alarm is quite another. Besides—they could have achieved the same eardrum-lacerating effect just by having invited contestant Kenley to stand in the entranceway and talk excitedly about her new collection.

• Previously: Kenley Collins: 'Runway' Villainess Ascendant [Defamer]

A judge has granted NBC Universal a preliminary injunction that prevents the Weinstein Co. from moving Project Runway from NBCU-owned Bravo to Lifetime next year.

"NBC Universal is pleased that the court granted our motion for a preliminary injunction against The Weinstein Company," the media powerhouse said in a statement.

"The overwhelming evidence demonstrated that The Weinstein Company violated NBC Universal's right of first refusal to future cycles of Project Runway. After hearing all of the evidence, the court issued an order prohibiting The Weinstein Company from taking the show or any spin-off to Lifetime."

There has been no word yet from the brothers Weinstein, who have stood by the legitimacy of their actions, while NBCU insisted that the producers were contractually obligated to give Bravo right of refusal before shopping the show to other networks.

Will this be a "make it work" moment for Harvey Weinstein, or will Season 6's first casualty be the footage already shot for Lifetime? One thing is for sure: this story's already got more wrinkles than the crotch of a pair of Kenley-made pants.

• Denied! Bravo Prevents Project Runway Takeoff [E!]

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]