After leaking details of the rich and interwoven themes he planned for the fifth installment of the Rambo cycle, auteur Sylvester Stallone was dismayed to pick up his internet and find Harry Knowles' Aintitcool readers comparing the planned film to of all things Universal Soldier. And unfavorably! And somehow getting it into their brains that Jonathan Rambo would fight robot soldiers in this latest installment.

But it got so bad that Stallone himself was forced to call the nerd king and leave a message roughly stating: You pathetic ignoramus. Forgive me for thinking you and your legions of imbeciles could grasp the complexity of my planned meta-text about the meaning of violence, and how within physical expressions of interior alienation, the signifier folds back upon the signified, forming an eternally comingled metaphor for destruction's interdependency. Somehow, I thought that was clear enough to everyone, but I suppose I'll have to hold your hand through every inch of this journey.

If you want to listen to the voicemail yoursel, Knowles has posted it on his site. Some excepts:

I appreciate you posting that but I think there's been one slight confusion because of all the talk back, I think the majority of these individuals misunderstood. It's not Universal Soldier; it's not me fighting some super solider. It's actually a feral beast. It's a thing. It's this amalgamation of fury and intelligence. And pure unadulterated rage. It's before men became human. This is when they were still inhuman, and so what he confronts is something that is one's virtual nightmare but in no sense of the world does he go against quote a Dolph Lundgren or Claude Van Damme, a Universal super soldier. He's going against a feral beast.

That's what makes it uniquely different. It's like man conscious fighting this dark, dangerous, uncontrollable subconscious.

I wish somehow you could take this message and give it to people that what they assume is Stallone or Rambo battling a squad of super-soldiers is just the opposite. It's your worst nightmare. You're battling your primitive self, which has a lot more cunning and power than you can ever imagine.

Working off insider knowledge of what happened that fateful day on the Salvation set (we think?: "I know this because I happen to be somewhere where someone that was there that day and for the shoot is"), Knowles goes on to explain that DP Shane Hurlbut is a "light tweaker"— but not in the Andy Dick sense:

He's a fairly young DP and likes to fiddle with his lights on set during action, which is a big "NO NO" on most productions unless worked out in advance with performers...The scene in question, was a very emotional and tough scene between Christian Bale and Bryce Howard. A scene that required soul bearing and a deep level of immersive concentration...a painful scene with Bryce, what was described to me as being the emotional center of the film and his character for the film. [...]

Now, the reason I know all of this is because the person that was there, felt that it should be made perfectly clear that Christian Bale was the utmost gentleman and cool guy on set. And the DP really was doing something that professional DPs with experience just don't do. Not during a performance.

Thankfully, this stinging indictment doesn't lead into a personal recollection of the time Knowles was beaten with a butter-churn for not molesting his sister.

As persuasive as that was, we now present a witness for the prosecution, who paints quite a different picture. Former Bale assistant Harrison Cheung spoke to Inside Edition about his former boss:

Cheung: He's got a very bad temper….I think he can be extremely hot-headed…you know, he's over 6-1 and he could be very intimidating… Christian is a very prickly professional... He was always very deep in thought and he didn't wanna be disturbed. And if he heard any unusual noises or if someone asked him to move around too many times, you could tell he was getting irritated. The big "Do Not Disturb" sign was on his forehead.

IE’s Les Trent: Are you concerned that your talking will be seen as a betrayal to him?

Harrison Cheung: I've been loyal to Christian for a long time, and when he and I worked together I kept that trust. I no longer work with him so it's a different situation now.

Yes, we'd imagine he doesn't. If a light tweaker gets that kind of verbal dressing down, we can only imagine what the personal assistant who sells you out to Inside Edition has waiting for him upon his morning latte delivery.

• Why AICN Doesn't Post Links To Stories Like This Christian Bale thing that's everywhere! [AICN]
• Christian Bale's Former Assistant Sets the Record Straight [Inside Edition]

Naturally, Knowles capitulated — he did break the Lucas/Warner Bros. review embargo, we guess — but his insight into a true travesty of imagination has resurfaced elsewhere. And for sheer bile (excerpted after the jump), we've got to say we're really quite proud of the plus-size pushover's efforts:

(T)hey introduced Baby Jabba aka Rotta the Huttlet aka Stinky. ... (But) wait ... Little Stinky the Hutt isn’t the worst character in the history of STAR WARS… because Stinky got introduced earlier in the film. As much as I hated lil Stinky… I was weathering Stinky. I seriously was. But later there was a character of such immense **** – offensively bad. The character was so bad, so incredibly awful – that it was a slap to the face. It woke me out of my ****-accepting stupor and made me angry. SUDDENLY my “inner fanboy rage” was awoken. ...

I watched this terrifyingly awful character named Ziro the Hutt. A seemingly female Hutt – with tattoos and make-up that sounds like a racist take on a Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore. Because this Hutt speaks ENGLISH – and it is many times worse than I’m actually describing. This character was actually too much for me. So bad that every flaw I was looking past, was now a road sign to inadequacy and mediocrity. ... I hated the score, the animation, the shots, the characters and most of all the retarded ******** idiot story.

I hated the film. HATED IT. REALLY HATED IT.

More like this, Harry, seriously. And: If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times: A jailed George Lucas is a harmless George Lucas. Send in the SWAT team.

UPDATE: Good news! AICN is now emphasizing that Warner Bros. enforced the review embargo, not Lucasfilm or George Lucas himself. We knew the man responsible for Stinky the Hutt and Indiana Jones 4 could never lash out at his fans so indecorously.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• “Harry Knowles Hated The Clone Wars” Review [Hollywood Newsroom]