Superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer is teaming up with Disney to produce the movie version of the upcoming book Horse Soldiers. While both you and me are imagining a film about horses who wear gun hats and every time they neigh, the gun hats shoot bullets, and we win WWII and the human kid, Danny, finally gets to kiss the cute French girl who helped them because she knows a lot about horses like how to click at them and how to fix gun hats, unfortunately we are both mistaken. It's about real-life US soldiers who rode into Afghanistan on horseback and helped broker deals with warlords in order to topple the Taliban. Sigh. [Variety]

Jeff Goldblum and Diane Keaton have joined the cast of the potentially-embarrassing-for-everyone-sounding Morning Glory. The film is about Rachel McAdams trying to solve a feud between two news anchors, Keaton and Harrison Ford. It's filming in New York, and that person who wrote Devil Wears Prada has crafted the screenplay. Lord help us. [Variety] Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Bryan Cranston have all joined up for Red Tails, the George Lucas-produced WWII flick about the Tuskegee Airmen. Whether or not they run into any horse soldiers with gun hats on their heads depends on how historically accurate they're trying to be. If they're going for vérité, then yes, there will be gun hats.

In case you were worried that you might have to go to the beach or sit outside drinking sangria and enjoying the breezes this summer, don't worry. The CW has finally decided to enter the full-year programming game, and will air some new reality shows in the hottest months. Your choices will be as varied as Blonde Charity Mafia, about a group of idiots milling about Washington D.C., and Hitched, about a bunch of idiots mulling about the idea of getting married. [Variety] Nerd alert! Dollhouse and Battlestar hottie boombalottie Tahmoh Penikett has been cast in the Sci-Fi (or, sorry, Syfy) channel movie event Riverworld, about a couple who dies only to find themselves in what is questionably the afterlife. Alan Cumming will guest star, and the whole damn thing could become a series. But what does this mean for the still-getting-better Dollhouse's fate? Hopefully nothing. [THR]

The people who made that show Til' Death (which is still on the air), Alex Barnow and Marc Firek, have signed a new deal with Sony TV. They'll leave that Brad Garrett laffapalooza and head on over to a new series, which is still in the works. So the good people are working. We can be glad for that. (And yes, I know J.B. Smoove is funny on that show, but still). [THR] Also there's this: Jennifer Garner is set to star in a movie about butter carving. No, not churning. Carving. The competitive world of. So. The movie is called Butter, completing the triumvirate begun by Milk and continued by Salt. [THR]

Kevin James continues to land a series of improbably hot wives. First it was Leah Remini, who later became an alien and disappeared out of the motherhood and into the celestial ether, and now it's Maria Bello. The smoky voiced blonde will play his wife in that jam-packed comedy about a high school reunion that also stars Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Maya Rudolph, and Salma Hayek. The genius behind I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will direct. [THR] Speaking of hilarity, here's something terrific. Hunk of yesteryear Antonio Sabato Jr. has won an acting award for a movie in which he plays a serial killer. The prestigious Beverly Hills Film Festival bestowed the best actor prize upon the former soap stud for his work in Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas, about this charming fellow who maybe killed 600 folks, and maybe didn't kill anyone. You may remember that the estimable Michael Rooker played the fellow in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer some years back. [THR]

· As research for his upcoming drama Organic, in which Ford plays a gruff macrobiotic dieter who rescues his kidnapped children with the money quote, "Not in my eco-friendly vegan cafe!"

· That's isn't a peapod — it's a green, pustule-covered pointer finger.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

1. Harrison Ford - “Air Force One” (1997)
2. Morgan Freeman - “Deep Impact” (1998)
3. Michael Douglas - “The American President (1995)
4. Bill Pullman - ”Independence Day“ (1996)
5. Kevin Kline - ”Dave“ (1993)
6. Dennis Quaid - ”American Dreamz“ (2006)
7. Bruce Greenwood - ”National Treasure: Book of Secrets“ (2003)
8. James Cromwell - ”The Sum of All Fears (2002)
9. Jack Nicholson - “Mars Attacks” (1996)
10. Jeff Bridges - “The Contender” (2000)

Really, America? Dennis Quaid from American Dreamz? Leaving aside our shock that this poll managed to reach all 1,200 people who actually saw American Dreamz, we wonder if they watched a version where Quaid played someone other than a buffoonish parody of George W. Bush. As for Jack Nicholson from Mars Attacks! outranking Jeff Bridges's laid back Commander-in-Chief, perhaps voters simply don't care what the country has to suffer through just so they can eventually live in a teepee with Natalie Portman.

And yes, we noticed the absence of John Travolta's thinly-veiled Bill Clinton analogue from Primary Colors. Maybe his on-screen wife Emma Thompson can run next time.

• Best Movie Presidents: Poll Results [Moviefone]

"It's automatic, really, we did well with the last one and with that having done well and been a positive experience, it's not surprising that some people want to do it again," Ford said.

I asked Ford who specifically is stirring up the idea of another revival, whether it was Lucas, Spielberg or the star himself? "Really, it comes from the ethos, from the ether. It's natural. It's a way of nature, of course, success breed opportunities ... also we don't stay as closely in contact as we have in the last year, that's part of it." [...]

"It was never a lead-pipe cinch," Ford said. "It was a calculated business risk but I believe it paid off. I was somewhat surprised and gratified to see it did the business that it did. It was successful in almost every market. The first time we showed it to a disinterested outside audience was at Cannes. That's a crap shoot of the first order. Not only is that audience sophisticated and film-knowledgable, it's French! And it's their country and their festival and we somewhat expected to be seriously slapped around. But we were not, we were embraced...it was very gratifying."

No problem — we can help with that. Still, we can't foresee even the most spectacularly acclaimed Indy film outpacing the last one for sheer anticipation and return on investment; have you taken a look at the Indiana Jones PlunderWatch™ Ticker recently? You want a crap shoot of the first order, Harrison? Beat that.

• Harrison Ford says George Lucas in 'think mode' ... [Hero Complex]

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

• JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

Federline had a quiet night at the club, chilling with friends and pumping his fist into the air when Timbaland's "The Way I Are" was played by the DJ. Prive presented Federline his Father of the Year trophy "someplace quiet" at the dad-of-four's request, so clubgoers didn't see the ceremony, according to a source.

Meanwhile, geriatric adventurer Harrison Ford showed the tolerance of a grandfather, as he wore a T-shirt designed by his fiancee Calista Flockhart's adopted Uggs-wearing son, Liam, out in public. The Daily Mail has photos of Ford pretending to enjoy wearing the hand-drawn shirt with a giant smiley face on it. But a Zaprudering of the photo reveals that the man's tolerance only goes so far. Note the address of the restaurant: 9531 Culver. That's right, he spent Father's Day in Culver City, undoubtedly hoping to minimize the chances that he'd be photographed looking so ridiculous. Note also that Flockhart is standing next to a sign that reads, "Big, fat." Clearly little Liam is an evil genius, arranging for his parents to get caught by the paparazzi in the world's most humiliating photo op.

[Photo Credit: Splash, Daily Mail]

• Kevin Federline Named Father Of The Year in Las Vegas [US]
• Daddy dearest: Harrison Ford shows his softer side as he dotes on Calista's adopted son [Daily Mail]

I'm not the only one who sees the Indy flicks as dentata dramas. According to one Mr. Cranky on his eponymous website, "The climax of Temple of Doom is the key. The offerings made to the female God include a human sacrifice lowered down a canal into a pit of red hot lava. When Kate Capshaw is tied to the contraption and lowered, Indy's Willie is threatened. His Willie's entrance into the canal equals death, and Indy will have none of that."

Mr. Cranky also points out that Temple of Doom highlights Indy's overwhelming fear of being emasculated. A thread that goes throughout the four films is Indy's fear of snakes. It seems that our big, conquering superhero is threatened by external, slithering phalluses! In the Crystal Skull, at one point, Shia LeBouf's character asks Indy to "grab onto his snake," to get Indy out of a pit of quicksand. Indy is not exactly thrilled about it.

In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones gets that adorably virile scar beneath his lower lip from whipping himself as an inexperienced teen. Considering all that dentata evidence, I think he got the scar from some other, more sensually barbed exploration.

Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom [Mr. Cranky]

Earlier: Indiana Jones 4: The Kingdom of The Crystal Dull

WHAT'S NEW: There's a holiday-ready, cruise-control part of us that feels like skipping this part of Defamer Attractions, but again, Indiana Jones 4 is not the only new release demanding attention. That said, with $26 million already in the bank on Thursday, and with the Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projection Ticker speeding toward $9.5 trillion, we should probably just get it out of the way. It's easily going to win the weekend, but can it displace four-day weekend champ Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End ($139.7 million) and five-day king Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith ($172 million) as the all-time biggest box-office bow? We doubt it; there's too much cultural competition to overcome the 19-year generation gap. Nevertheless, we're still calling Indy to break $110 million by Sunday and $140 million by Monday, thus promising a fifth installment set in 1967 and pitting our hero and his greaser sidekick/offspring against their toughest adversaries yet: Filthy, filthy hippies.

Also opening: John Cusack's Iraq satire/career nadir War, Inc.; the here-and-gone Jonathan Rhys Meyers drama The Children of Huang Shi; and the acclaimed Vice Magazine-produced doc Heavy Metal in Baghdad.

THE BIG LOSER: Despite early reads positioning Postal in the same critical class as What Happens in Vegas, Speed Racer and Sex and the City, it won't likely be enough to boost Uwe Boll's latest clusterfuck to anything approaching respectable at the box office. Granted, he's on four screens as opposed to, say, Indy 4's 4,200, but if Postal's per-screen average breaks $8,000, we'll volunteer to be the guy eating his own puke in Boll's next film. What? Stoic has already been shot? Whatever. The point is: It will not happen.

THE UNDERDOG: Fatih Akin's 2005 culture-clash stunner Head On captured audiences about as abruptly and unforgettably as its title suggested, and his follow-up, The Edge of Heaven, revisits his volatile Turkish/German roots with no less intensity. Which, considering its scope, is a bit of a marvel: A elderly Turkish man invites a compatriot prostitute into the home he shares with his son in Bremen. It ends... poorly, with the son traveling to Istanbul to find the woman's 20-something daughter. She's embroiled in political actions there, expatriates herself to Germany seeking asylum, falls in love with another young woman, and then — horror of horrors! — is expelled back to prison in Turkey. The interwoven searches and tragedies that follow in Heaven make Babel look like an afterschool special — not for their violence or viciousness (though they have that, too), but for their stoicism and, ultimately, their unalloyed compassion. And in any case, we'd never reject anything featuring both lesbians and Turkish prison.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD's this week include National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, the latest terrible George Romero zombie entry Diary of the Dead, the Richard Gere/Claire Danes folly The Flock, and the long, long-awaited complete first season of The Bill Engvall Show.

So are we low-balling Indy's weekend plunder? Are we too generous? And is anybody actually planning to see Postal? Share your own plans, place your own bets and go ahead — tell your boss we said you could take Monday off!

[T]his is a supersonic blade traveling 1,400 feet per second, 700 miles per hour. It can slice you in two at 14 feet. Once you hear that explosive gunshot crack, you never forget it. It's intimidating. Scary. Makes a big noise, but that's what it's intended to do.

I taught Harrison how to stay safe and never hit himself. Work in parallel lines. Think of railroad tracks outside your hand and body. Stay outside those tracks. I worked on his vocabulary. Vertical is a clock's 12-to-6, horizontal is 3-to-9, diagonal's 2-to-8. I broke the whips in for him so they'd develop muscle memory then taught him, listen to it. Don't rush it. It's an ally not an adversary. Use as little effort as possible. Stay absolutely relaxed. Slow its motion. Align it, form the loop above the head, and it's a rolling wave of energy that multiplies. The power is in the shoulder and arm.

Civilized man's oldest tool, the whip, dates back 5,000 years. If you listen, the whip will whisper its secrets.

Well, this is a gossip column, after all. We can't wait for tomorrow's edition, when Aunt Cindy brings us the truly scandalous back story behind Shia LaBeouf's painstaking switchblade training.

• Indy's Still a Whippersnapper [NYP]

It seems Mr. Jeffrey LaBeouf is what Shia once termed a "ragin' Cajun," which finally explains the last name. With a knowledge on drugs so vast that Shia actually consulted him before his role as an acid-dropper in Bobby, Shia's described his hippie dad as someone who: "did a lot of things. He was a clown. He sold snow cones. He did stand-up comedy. He even went on tour with the Doobie Brothers as their opening act. He was a Vietnam vet, an artist, an explorer of life - just an adventurer.” But all that warm and fuzzy detail doesn't make up for the fact that Jeff allegedly once pointed a gun at a very young Shia while having a heroin-induced 'Nam flashback. So before Shia's life starts looking too much like an episode of Intervention, can't anyone page Harrison Ford from his current chest waxing session to step in and kick the guy out? It's his movie son, which is way better than an actual son, at least in Hollywood.

• LABEOUF TRYING TO GET DAD OUT OF HIS GARAGE [Contact Music]

Even more unnerving than what the group's CEO promises was a totally real expression on Ford's face when the hair came off (frankly we can't spot an "expression" throughout the whole clip) is the sight of Ford's jolting asymmetrical features. It's as if George Lucas announced he would shoot only the right side off the actor's face for Indy 4 and proceeded to slap him 50 times a day in order to shove all his features over to the right. All the better to disguise his smirking from the hair-ripping minx on his left.

• HARRISON FORD WAXES HIS CHEST — FOR A GOOD CAUSE [People]

While we're at it:

—Eric Kohn's text-message live-blog from Cannes's first Indy 4 screening has drawn scorn from varying corners of the Web, with especially bitter CHUD critic Devin Faraci accusing Kohn of "having the distinct cranial structure of a douchebag" and unprofessionally "lowering the bar" with his stunt. Ahem. We'll agree only to the extent Kohn — a talented, sharp-minded colleague of ours from way back — annoyed his fellow theatergoers, which appears to be not at all: He sat in the back of the theater and had his phone concealed the whole time. Must we really endure a backlash from the likes of the inbreds at eFilmCritic before this non-issue goes away?

—And anyway, Shia LaBeouf isn't having any of this critical bullshit from anyone anyway, telling Entertainment Weekly that last week's early reviews were fabricated. "You know it's not a real review when no mention gets made of cinematography, or the camera setups, or anything pertaining to Steven's direction of the film. ... As soon as I heard there was a review, I was like, Really? That's crazy, 'cause I haven't seen the movie."

—Meanwhile, John Patterson sighs ruminatively at The Guardian: "If only we had more geriatric heroes." If only... no.

—And finally, the "Indiana Jones-approved" Texas furniture manufacturer Lifestyle Solutions is flirting with lawsuit oblivion with a garish, unauthorized and sporadically hilarious Indy 4 tie-in: "After a hard day of wielding his whip, dodging boulders and taking on bad guys, even Indiana Jones would appreciate a good night's rest on a Lifestyle Solutions Furniture platform bed." Just to be sure, his lawyers should be testing them out aaaaany minute now.

But still: Indy takes the day as usual, with Salon's Andrew O' Hehir nicely setting the table for the endless courses to follow:

Part of me thinks that some flea-bitten Parisian radicals should come and close this shit down right now. And part of me thinks: You know what? Cannes needs Indy. We've had five days here of earnest and serious filmmaking, ranging from mediocre to outstanding, but nothing that feels like a movie that will rock the world. ... But if you want to know whether Ford, Spielberg and Lucas can recapture their mojo almost 20 years after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the only answers I can provide are frustrating ones, like kind of and maybe and it depends what you mean.

Such qualifications are everywhere this morning as reviews surge forth, but Harrison Ford and company couldn't seem to care less. "It is not unusual for something that is popular to be disdained by some people," Ford said at Sunday's press conference. "I work for the people who pay to get in — they are my customers. My focus is on providing the best experience I can." We have our own (spoiler-rific) ideas about the results, but even the worst lambasting wouldn't prevent Ford's "experience" from raking in upwards of $140 million over the five-day Memorial Day frame.

Meanwhile, down the block, Harvey Weinstein announced a $60 million adaptation of the novel The Alchemist, to be directed and produced by its leading man Laurence Fishburne. The Hollywood Reporter quotes Harvey as saying: "The book means so much to people on a spiritual level. ... I think there is a bridge to the Middle East in this story." Finally — world peace! From the Weinsteins!

It's no less ambitious than restoring Woody Allen's name, we suppose, which the Weinsteins may have done as well with his much-appreciated Cannes premiere Vicky Cristina Barcelona. (The film even has Timecritic Richard Corliss flirting with relevancy with one of his best reviews in years.) Not to be outdone, Harvey's wife Georgina Chapman is designing its stars' premiere attire. Synergy is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes in the form of a "creme silk gown with embroidered straps" on Penelope Cruz. Alas, Harvey, we have not forgotten about Fraggle Rock. You can't stop what's coming.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

What follows contains numerous spoilers, though not much that isn't distinguishable from the trailer or the word-of-mouth teeming around the Web this morning. In any case, if you want a virginal Indy experience when the film opens Thursday, we'd recommend skipping to the next item right about now. Or join in the fray as our wounded critical minds clear the air and let the healing begin.

STV: I'm reading a few OK reviews here and there.
SA: I did that too.
STV: I don't get it; that movie was not good.
SA: No. Bad. A.O. Scott said he was bored. The opening was the most engaging part, but still not great
STV: It was engaging-ish.
SA: The whole movie felt tone-deaf.
STV: But where Raiders was a throwback to the serials of yore, this was a throwback to Raiders and as such was both parodic and, yes, tone-deaf.
SA: The rambling exposition was ridiculous.
STV: SPOILER ALERT! Shia LeBeouf is his son! SHOCKER!
SA: There were no surprises, and I don't understand the plot.
STV: OK, so: Some Russians break into Area 51 with Indy and pal Ray Winstone as their hostages. They want something in the hangar there, but it's a bombing range. That sets up a nuclear bomb point that goes... poorly.
SA: Well, we return to the massive warehouse that ends Raiders. So instantly the reference is made: This is vintage Indy.
STV: OMG there's the Ark! I wish the Russians had stolen that.
SA: Yeah, me too. So the mean Russian lady cuts open the tinfoil-wrapped alien baked potato —
STV: The heavily magnetized tinfoil-wrapped alien baked potato!
SA: That only starts pulling metal towards it when Indy arrives. Action sequence, mushroom cloud.
STV: Indy escapes unharmed, but the Feds suspect him now because he aided the Russians. He gets sent out on a leave of absence from university! Blacklisted! Jim Broadbent shows up, does dignified Jim Broadbent shit: Drinks, has an accent.
SA: Indy addresses a series of framed 8x10s of actors who refused to sign on for the sequels and/or died. He boards a train — destination: unknown. Or can't recall.
STV: Here comes Shia La Brando.
SA: His hog is his steed.
STV: Who just happens to find Indy on a moving train — from the platform. They go have a burger and Cokes at the New Haven diner where the KGB also hangs out after lower-division biology class.
SA: Indiana explains the legend of the crystal skulls, but we miss it because were too preoccupied monitoring the table behind him and how they deal with the "Shia Rewetting His Comb In Their Glass of Coke" problem.
STV: Shia: "Ugh, this is Diet! Fuck!" Anyway, they fight off the KGB. A chase ensues. They lay waste to Yale, go biking through the library. Next stop Peru!
SA: Yes! The Redline Express to savage countries guarded by a loincloth-clad, brown-peopled nation.
STV: And there's Ray Winstone again, who betrayed Indy early on by selling out to the Russians.
SA: Do they find the skull at this point? Or fend off Russians?
STV: They find the skull, then are caught and taken to a Russian fairgrounds/labor camp deep in the Peruvian jungle, where comrades dance, Marion's being held hostage and Cate Blanchett digs out her Roswell space alien. The skull has mental powers — she wants to brainwash the world.
SA: Finally, we have some idea what this movie is about. Indy is in arm restraints and goes face to face with the crystal skull. This is no ordinary quartz skull that looks like an alien head! The skull hurts his brain!
STV: And mine! Anyway, they are reunited and they escape with Shia and John Hurt, who does an hour or so of crazy-man schtick. Quicksand, snakes... Fuck it, jump ahead 30 minutes.
SA: So they escape again with the skull. Are they in Incaland yet? Does all this take place in Peru, or are they in Mexico?
STV: Your guess is as good as mine.
SA: They arrive at a Mayan temple only accessible by removing stone chads. Suddenly! 50,000 dancing chihuahuas appear! Then they are certain this place has significance.
STV: I can't keep going. The end!
SA: Shia didn't need to be in this movie; nor did john hurt. WTF was that?
STV: Shia is the future of the franchise.
SA: The whole skull thing — carrying around a Lucite skull that seems to have 1,000 purposes? Repels ants! Scares savages!
STV: The ants were horrifying.
SA: That was at least, like, something to watch.
STV: SPOILER ALERT! Those fucking ants pulled that big Russian dude INTO AN ANTHOLE AND ATE HIM.
SA: That was cool; it at least had some bite. And did you notice how Indy doesnt put up a fight? He just keeps answering every question that she asked him. Right from the first scene! 'Where is it?' 'Well, it's over here!' Or, 'See theres this legend that goes...' I mean, what happened to spitting in their faces and saying, "Never!"
STV: Yeah, fuck that.
SA: I want the old Indy.
STV: I want the Indy who steals artifacts, destroys everything in sight.
SA: It felt like Invasion of the Indy Snatchers. And the end was a mess. I have no idea what the fuck that was nor did I care.
STV: I mean, that whole alien subplot was literally laughable.
SA: What about the triple waterfall sequence? I could hear an audible groan. I mean, if you're going to just have a car tumble down three waterfalls like a pachinko machine, don't warn us ahead of time
STV: But I love, love, love that long shot of the valley below them collapsing and the spaceship flying up. Storywise, it was absurd, but the shot was fantastic.
SA: I got angry when I saw the spaceship. I felt they ruined the franchise by making it so sci-fi
STV: Maybe so. But technically speaking, it was really well-done. But then there were the monkeys.
SA: Oh yeah. Shia turns into Tarzan. They really lost their minds, kind of.
STV: Shia as Marlon Brando as George of the Jungle. I'll take at least two more installments of that.
SA: What about the cactus-LaBeouf-cockballtorture sequence?
STV: Cactus is an interesting plant variant in the jungle.
SA: Indiana Jones and the Ow LaBeouf's Balls.
STV: And poor John Hurt!
SA: I wonder what he thought when he read the script: "He caresses the crystal skull again and mutters an unintelligible phrase."
STV: His character's name is "OX." Better than "THE ELEPHANT MAN," I guess
SA: The audience was mostly dead silent for the movie. There wasn't one moment when you felt joy. I mean, there's a few stunt sequences that were well-done. That first five minutes, I liked.
STV: The drag race was a good tone-setter.
SA: Oh! Get this: our sound was out the first minute of that, which is like an eternity when fanboys are rioting.
STV: Who were those people who came out of nowhere to beat up Indy and Shia with the Parkour action moves and the blowdarts?
SA: Oh, that was killer blowdart skull mask killer pygmies! They were guarding the sound stage!
STV: I think they symbolized the fans who were down on the whole idea of Indy 4 from the start. They kick LeBeouf's ass until Ford, symbolizing Lucas, shows up to blow a poison dart in their mouths.
SA: At least a blow dart was a reference point I got.
STV: And then there's M. Night Spielberg, who must never touch the franchise again. If LeBeouf comes back, as it seems he will, give it to someone else.
SA: My friend asked why he needs to have Transformers and Indy. It's true. How much LaBeouf can one nation swallow?
STV: This movie is gonna make so much money. Paramount is going to win the summer easily.
SA: I mean, my friend liked it. Maybe it was actually a fun summer movie, and we both need attitude readjustments. The problem is that Iron Man opened two weeks ago. If it hadn't, I honestly wouldn't have remembered that a summer movie can be good.
STV: I refuse to accept responsibility for a blockbuster sucking.
SA: Even Transformers seemed more emotionally true. Giant alien robots — something to care about. I wonder if the fanboys will revolt.
STV: This movie's gonna make $400 million next weekend.
SA: How much will it really make?
STV: This is Pirates/Spider-Man territory. If they're counting over Memorial Day, easily $140. Anyway, let's end on a positive note. Man, wasn't Iron Man great?
SA: Get Smart: In theaters soon!

A rebel faction within the group is calling bullshit, however, alleging that even the Nazis did a better job of preserving antiquities in the series than its hero ever did:

"There are codes of ethics in archaeology, and I don't think he would be a member. Not in good standing, anyway," said Mark Rose, online editorial director for the Archaeological Institute of America. ...

Indiana Jones and other productions such as The Mummy and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider flicks benefit archaeology by getting general audiences thinking and talking about the ancient world, said Bob Murowchick, associate professor of archaeology at Boston University. But the movies emphasize the tomb-raiding aspect, leaving the impression that artifacts are there for the taking by whomever stumbles on them first, he said.

"The one thing we do worry quite a bit about is the looting aspect, because archaeological looting is really a serious issue," Murowchick said. "This kind of glorifying of breaking into a tomb and snagging a crystal this or golden that feeds into the notion that these are valuable objects, and we should all get it while we can."

We're no philistines; naturally, we side with Murowchick, whose own script treatment, Bob Murowchick and the Lost Crusade of the Tenure Track, is reportedly close to a franchise option at Sony. May he, too, land some day at Cannes, and may all his Hollywood dreams also come true — or, you know, at least historically accurate.

• Ford elected to Boston-based archaeological group [AP]

• 'Jones': Real archaeologists don't have whips [AP]

boomp3.com


Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford, admitted in an interview with Maria Menounos that he buys his shirts at the Baby Gap. Ford said that he felt that this was in the best shape he'd been in in years and that he wanted to show off his sleek physique with some more revealing clothing. Yet after the film wrapped, Ford's work out routine sort of slipped away and he was left a collection of ill-fitting clothing. Ford said, "I didn't want them to go to waste. So, I'm going to wear them every now and then to give myself some motivation to hit the gym again."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]