Barry Sonnenfeld has successfully pitched a movie based on the Tom Swift adventure novels to Columbia. Hopefully it'll be more Men in Black Sonnenfeld and less R.V. Sonnenfeld. [Variety]

Halle Berry is close to signing onto the thriller The Surrogate, about a wicked lady who carries a couple's baby, only to turn out crazy. Oddly, her Perfect Stranger costar Bruce Willis is in an upcoming thriller called, um, Surrogates. [Variety]

Rebecca DeMornay, John Mahoney, Aidan Quinn, and Penelope Ann Miller have all been announced as cast members of Flipped, a tale about two kids falling in love, based on a young adult novel. And with a cast like that, it's bound to be... something. [THR]

Revolutionary Road growler Michael Shannon is signing on to costar in The Runaways, the Joan Jett biopic starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. Hm. [THR]

NBC has signed a deal with Hallmark, which means we'll soon be able to buy 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica greeting cards. Nothing says "Happy Birthday" quite like a card reading "Frak! I'm lizzing all over the place." [Variety]

Crazed octo-mom Nadya Suleman has finally landed a reality show deal, with the Dutch-owned reality hut that produces The Biggest Loser and For Love or Money (exactly). It won't be as "intrusive" as other reality shows, rather it'll occasionally check in on the lives of the enormous brood, sort of like the wonderful British Up series, except not at all because everyone will be miserable and vulgar. [THR]

Image via Splash

Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Come on. I mean, you couldn't go with the Bond-girl year? You didn't like the orange bikini? I liked the orange bikini. That would have been a pretty good year. Or what about the Monster's Ball year? That was a sexy moment. Couldn't you have packaged that up with some list of the best movie sex scenes ever? That would have been very easy, very magaziney...There are billions of women on the planet, but let's just say for shits and giggles that I am the sexiest woman alive. [...]

Berry's favorite male body part, and more styling-challenged photos of her in old Esquire covers after the jump!

A little later on, Berry opens up about what turns her on in a man, besides the obvious requirement of being a ravishing French Canadian model:

When it comes to what I think is sexy about men, I like forearms. That's my body part. They're generally exposed, available, a little bit vulnerable. A forearm is different with every man, and when it comes to forearms, size matters. I don't like them slight. [...]

What else? Ah, yes: the big O. You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That's all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days. Much better orgasms than when I was twenty-two. And I wouldn't let a man control that. Not anymore. Now I'd invite him to participate. I'll tell you this: I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I'm not all about frequency. I favor intensity.

And here we thought we were the only ones who associated intense orgasms with thick, hairy forearms! We raise a fist in solidarity, sister!

• Halle Berry Is the Sexiest Woman Alive, 2008 [Esquire]

Boomp3.com

There’s a new doctor in a Brentwood ready to serve all your psychoanalytical needs. Oscar winner Halle Berry has shifted into the self-help area as she continues to recuperate from recently giving birth. Berry’s decision to move into self-help was inspired by another self-help guru, Dr. Phil. Berry said, “I’m smarter than Dr. Phil. So, I could probably do a better job than him. Not to mention, I’m a lot more compassionate than he ever will be.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]

After lifting our jaw off the ground upon hearing Roker's response to the Griffin bump and grind ("Anyone got any cigarettes?"), we had to relocate our jaw once again as Griffin swiftly switched subjects to her hosting gig and, in a well-executed non-seguitur, finally said what has needed to be said about to-be rap star Ali Lohan for quite some time now. Explaining that she was given the job due to Ali and Dina Lohan's conflicting schedules (a joke, people, relax), she went ahead and launched our inner monologue right out into America's eardrums: "Yeah, Ali was busy doing her hip hop CD, because, you know, she’s white and 14 and lives on Long Island, so hip hop speaks to her." Oh Kathy. What was Woz thinking?

• THE TODAY SHOW [NBC]

Publicity is really complicity. This is a simple concept that for whatever reason took me way too long to understand, but it first hit me on the set of Monster's Ball when, after I asked Halle Berry to approve some stills, she looked over a stack of contact sheets and said something like "You know, they're all fine to use however you want, but don't show them to my publicist because she'll just kill everything."

We are talking about photos that depicted Berry looking like hell, but that also showed her inhabiting a wholly unexpected character. At that moment I got the sense that Berry would be utterly complicit in the campaign, which she was, for which she was rewarded with an Oscar. You'd be surprised at how many actors (or, perhaps more accurately, their representatives) I've dealt with over the years who have not been able to grasp this.

Amen. Walker goes on to add that — gasp! — "[p]ublicity should not try to obfuscate" and that "lifestyle" publicists are probably best left to club promotion as opposed to shepherding films through competitive festival and theatrical marketplaces. We'd expect no less honesty from Jeremy Walker, which is all the more reason we'll so miss him — and sure, maybe even envy him from time to time — should he stay gone for good. Maybe he'll try consulting? Every studio in town could learn from a guy like this.

• Jeremy Walker on Independent Film PR [Indiewire]

10. Julia Roberts, 2001
9. Daryl Hannah, 1988
8. Hilary Swank, 2005

7. Claudia Schiffer, 1995
6. Reese Witherspoon, 2006
5. Angelina Jolie, 2004.

4. Catherine Zeta-Jones, 2004
3. Charlize Theron, 2004
2. Halle Berry, 2003

And our pick for all-time best-dressed, mostly because she looks so comfortable and glam at the same time: Uma Thurman, redeeming herself for ending up on our Worst Dressed List, in 2006.

• OSCARS 08 [Official Site]

• Halle Berry discusses Calif. fires, pregnancy [LiveVideo]
• Previously: Meet Hillela Bernstein, Halle Berry's Jewish Cousin [Defamer]

Then, upon realizing she might have just alienated the Far-Reaching Network of Jews Who Control Her Destiny, Berry asked, "Oh my God. Have I just, like, ruined my whole career?" She'd later request the offensive modifier be stricken from the broadcast, and publicly begged forgiveness for the regrettable lapse of good taste in pursuit of a talk show bit that did more towards illustrating how movie stars have a genuinely hard time filling their down time—just like us!—than eliciting any well-earned laughs.

• Halle Berry Apologizes for Joke on Leno [people.com]
• The Tonight Show

In today's episode: Leonardo Dicaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Avril Lavigne; Halle Berry and Yeardly Smith; Demi Moore; Forest Whitaker; Djimon Hounsou; Dolly Parton; Lily Tomlin and Teller; John Krasinski and Kevin Sussman; Chris O'Donnell; Jason Bateman; Kelis and Nas; Kim Kardashian; Scott Baio; Mike Tyson; Illeana Douglas; Zachary Quinto; Vincent Gallo and Thurston Moore; Andy Dick; Michelle Rodriguez; Michael McDonald and Andrea Bowen.

· 8/22/07 10:05pm - Brentwood - So I'm at Katsuya where on one side of my table is Leo Dicaprio, Tobey Maguire and random actor guy I've seen in some things but have no idea what his name is and on the other side is Avril Lavigne. Leo actually scolded me while I was using my blackberry telling me, "don't use that" pointing to it where I promptly rolled my eyes and kept texting. I guess paranoia is rampant post growing pains. I mean, c'mon no one in the room even looked up from their kiwi-flavored scallops with yuzu vinaigrette at him. I also don't want to point fingers or anything but when my friend went into the one toilet unisex bathroom right after Avril it was totally clogged where my friend came back to our table saying "I'm not getting blamed for that mess." I'd love to see that in US weekly's "they're just like us!" section.

· This may be too late but last Friday, the 17th, my wife and I had the most amazing dinner at La Terza on 3rd street. Dining next to us was Halle Berry with her enormous white male model boyfriend and some rumpled old dude. That would have been amusing, but sitting behind us was none other than the voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardly Smith. Good thing I spent all that time watching "Herman's Head," or I wouldn't have known what she looked like! Anyway, who cares, the food was out of this world, Gino was in the kitchen and all I could think about while eating the most amazing roasted pork belly was "Trading Places."

· So, today (Aug. 21) I went to see "Superbad" at AMC CC. When I got into the the theatre, I saw that basically 2/3rds of a row was taped off with signs on the chairs reading "reserved for a birthday party." Interesting—the last time I saw seats taped off like that, it was for Bruce Willis & entourage at Pirates 2. My friends and I sat down in the remaining seats in the row. And, sure enough, when the lights went down, in came Demi Moore and the youngest Willis girl and her teen friends. No sign of Ashton or Bruce. When the movie was over, they dashed out so quick before the lights came back on that my friends didn't get to see Demi. At this point, I just want to know what kind of deal the Willis clan has with that theatre...

· On Wed, 8/15, lunch hour rush at Jerry's Deli across from Cedars, I alerted my out of town guests to keep their eyes peeled for celebs on lunch meetings. We were about to leave, and Forest Whitaker rolled up to the valet in an off-white Chrysler 300 (y'know, the baby Bentley). I would respect his privacy and not report it, but hell, Jerry's at noon? He wanted to be noticed.

· Aug. 21: Djimon Hounsou at the WeHo Equinox. Little bit of white in his goatee. Must be from all that give-me-an-Oscar fence-rattling.

· Aug. 23: Over here in Muppetland, aka the Jim Henson Studios, it's been a fun day. The Queen of Country, Dolly Parton stopped by looking fantastic.

· Thursday 8/23 Formosa Café - Lily Tomlin with a small group. Mostly kept to herself, but saw her craning to look at the old headshots as she walked through. Resisted the urge to tell her that I was obsessed with "Big Business" for about three months as a kid. Also saw Teller from Penn & Teller with another group.

· Sunday at Sunset Junction, I saw Kevin Sussman — aka Walter from "Ugly Betty" (and yes, I needed IMDB for that one) — walking down Sunset just past the exit gates with what I assume was his (kind of pretty) girlfriend. Then, later Sunday afternoon at the movie theater at the Grove, I was behind John Krasinski and a male friend in line to pick up tickets from those automated ticket machines that, for some reason, speak to you in an Australian accent. Anywho, John was dressed in a hoodie (notwithstanding the fact that it was at least 95 degrees outside), and John's friend was wearing extremely tight skinny jeans. I only provide such detail because I haven't had a good celebrity sighting in months, so I may be a little overly descriptive.

· Aug. 22 I'm at lax and chris o'donnell is here on the curb with 100 bags and a black lab. He is also wearing an extremely preppy outfit of khakis, pint plaid shirt, and boat shoes. Shorter than I thought and not really that recognizable. So weird to see the man whose robin costume inspired the first funny feelings in my 12 year old loins.

· On vacation in California last week, and managed a good mix of sightings in two days in LA:
~ Tuesday 8/14: Jason Bateman, filming on Dayton Drive and looking cute in a suit with portfolio bag on his shoulder. He's taller than I thought.
~ Lunch at the Farm: Kelis & Nas having lunch right next to us. Very low-key & polite to the wait staff. She's pretty and he's short (Sawed-off in the words of my boyfriend.) Adorable couple.
~ Kim Kardashian on Robertson leaving M.A.C. and being snapped by the paparazzi. She put a finger up to her mouth, like she was telling the paparazzi to keep her desperate presence a secret, while they took her picture. Please. She had on cute shoes, though.
I Love L.A !

· Last Saturday I was having a please-cure-my-hangover brunch with my sister and step mom at the Beverly Glen Deli and almost did a spit-take with my crab omlette when I spotted "I'm 45 and Single" SCOTT BAIO!! He was with a mixed gender group of mostly attractive, actory looking folks although my sister - who watches his show - claims that none of them are on it. Scott was in shorts and a t-shirt, trying to rock a hipster beachy vibe and was actually pretty cute. He doesn't look 45 at all. Definitely knew the entire place was staring at him and liked it. I couldn't decide if I was thrilled the cameras for his show weren't there as I was feeling pretty rough and not prime-time ready or bummed - who doesn't want to be on TV?

· I was at the Farmers Market last night (Aug. 23) having drinks with a friend. After we finished our drinks we walked through the market and crossed paths with three people near the fruit stand. I said "Excuse me" as I passed in front of them, looked up briefly to see who it was, and almost lost my mind. It was MIKE TYSON.

Now, I'm not a fan of the man, but when you see him and his tattooed face (and it totally looks like facial kudzu, I'm not kidding) in person, it's quite a surprise. I ran over to my friend and asked if she saw who we just passed. She didn't, I told her it was Mike Tyson, and she stopped in her tracks and declared that she had to get a picture with him. We hustled back to the fruit stand where he was posing for photos and my friend asked him if he wouldn't mind taking one with her. He obliged and I took the photo on her camera - no kidding!

But wait - there're more. After I took my friend's picture with Mike, he then took out his camera and said, "Let me get a picture of you!" And there you have it: Mike Tyson took a picture of my friend and me on HIS camera. Hilarious, no?

· Saw illeana douglas as VintageWeave Antiques across from the Grove this week. Obviously walked across the street from the farmers market as she was a carrying a big pink cake box from one of the bakeries there..she was holding it out like it was loaded with spun gold. Very friendly. Embarrassed to say that I got a rise from checking her out because Bug-Eyed Girl has a smokin' body.

· Late Entry - two weeks ago (8/10) I saw new Spock Zachary Quinto at the West Hollywood Trader Joe's. He was dressed stylishly in a WeHo hipster sort of way, skinny jeans, striped shirt, gelled semi-mohawk. He paused to take a picture of the girl he was with as she stuck her face through the cardboard character cut out at the checkout stand. I don't think it was his girlfriend, because I am pretty sure he prefers the men.

· took in a movie yesterday at the new landmark theater at the westside pavillion and afterward decided to scarf up a tasty burger at the apple pan across the street. upon entering and finding a seat, i looked up to see my favorite sleeze-bag actor and baby maker for rent vincent gallo. the "brown bunny" boy was seated alone by one of the registers eating something that required utensils. he had this kinda dazed vacant look as he sat and consumed his gruel or whatever it was in the bowl in front of him. if you did not know who he was, he looked like a homeless guy that finally begged up enough money to actually sit somewhere to get something hot to eat. pretty pathetic.

· Vincent Gallo and Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore hanging out together around the bar at the Yeah Yeah Yeah's show at the Mayan Theater (8/22)

· Aug. 22 - Yay! My first real celeb sighting since moving to LA. four months ago. So, I met up with a friend for lunch at the delicious LUCQUES (I recommend the BLTA!) when I spy none other than sitcom-sidekick and Howard Stern guest Andy Dick sitting at the bar (in front of the windows, natch). He looks surprisingly healthy, the hair was a bit darker, no glasses, and he was in the company of two cute boys. I was staring inappropriately and he made eye contact and gave a friendly wave - I wasn't sure if he though he knew me or was just grateful to be recognized. I realized I was probably being rude and went on my way. The end.

· Michelle Rodriguez. Thursday morning. Sitting outside JambaJuice in the heart of Boystown/Weho. Sitting with a pretty young lady. Both in blue jeans & long-sleeve collared shirts (like men wear). Neither wearing a lick of make-up. Girlfriend sitting with legs demurely crossed. Michelle sitting with legs wide open. Leaning forward with one for-arm on the table. Kind of like how you'd imagine McSteamy (Eric Dane) would be sitting with a chick he wants to bang.

· Hey, if somebody can report on Mr. Belding at the Cat and Fiddle, can I chime in on my eehhh sighting as well? Sunset Junction on the Sunday the 19th. Saw Michael McDonald (nah, not of the Doobs / Steely Dan...much to my chagrin)...the one from MadTV. Hes tall, had a few people around him, and did not look in the mood for any Stuuuuaaaart-related requests. Uh, not that I'd do that anyway.

· Saw the girl who plays Julie Mayer (Andrea Bowen) on desperate housewives last night (Aug. 23) in santa monica at some crystal light charity thing. I was shocked to see a young hollywood start NOT out partying. Weird!

In today's episode: Drew Barrymore and Spike Jonze; Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly; Will Ferrell; Halle Berry; Kiefer Sutherland; Beck; Liev Schreiber; Tom Waits; Heather Graham and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje; Rachel Leigh Cook; Michael C. Hall; Jonathan Bennett; William Fichtner; Drew Carey; Joey Lawrence; William Mapother and Dennis Haskins.

· last night (Aug. 20), drew barrymore at the beastie boys greek theater show. standing in line, swathed in black, for refreshments, she scribbled furiously onto a yellow pad, her head as far down as possible so as not to be recognized. was she composing her own rhymes? journaling about the deep feelings that "brass monkey" elicit in her? writing a love letter to mike d?

· So I was at the arclight this Saturday and who do I see snuggled into Spike Jonze's shoulder? None other than Drew Barrymore, fabulous and adorable in a soft baggy sweater. They just walked by trying for the inconspicuous while she hid behind her hair and Jonze's mustache.

· Beastie Boys concert last night Aug 20. Well, the Beastie Boys for one, then Tobey Maguire walks in with cutie Kevin Connolly and random actor guy I've seen in some things but have no idea what his name is. Concert was great although a bit more subdued when I last saw them in the early 90's at Lalapalooza. I think I just dated myself. Anyway, Team MCA!

· Will Ferrell with wife and two kids in double-stroller (the baby having a cranky moment) on Sunday afternoon (around 3:30) at the Whole Foods on Fairfax and 3rd St. Was wearing a blue button-down shirt...with goofy/preppy print shorts. Really friendly, bought some organic diapers and tons of reusable Whole Foods bags...must have just seen the 11th Hour. After he left, the cashier who played it cool excitedly ran to the other cashiers to see if they noticed who was just in the store.

· I saw Halle Berry at Pace Restaurant in Laurel Canyon on Sunday night. I don't think she noticed me though.

· ok, last i looked, there are some who are Jonesing(sp?) for their Kiefer Sutherland sighting...
-Sunday night, Sunset Junction Festival is closing down the BuzzCocks inspired a real and ferocious moshpit, Chebi Sabah was oh-so Wunderbar, and now i'm so happily intoxicated that i'm just doing a drinkless walk-through of 4100 Bar on my way home... and there he is! with friends on the outdoor patio, partying appropriately. Monsieur Kiefer, i salute you.

and now that i know that you have to say "sighting" in the subject line, your readers shall hear of my encounters (going backwards now) with Miss Bilson (um, Rachel?)shopping alone and well at Rock n' Roll Gelsons (on Franklin, about two weeks ago), David Carradine (gently weaving somewhat on the sidewalk in front of La Poubelle that same afternoon), Colin Farrell cruising in a black 4-wheeler through SilverLake last Spring... Oh! and Monsieur Beck got my hopes up when he was walking around Sunset Junction with a small but lovely female entourage Saturday morning. did he play? Diz the MC said yeah he will ... but no.

· Sunset Junction — August 19. Around 6:30 at 4100 Bar. A sad-sack Kiefer Sutherland, sitting alone, playing with his cell phone. Maybe he was just hung over, but everyone else in the bar looked happier than this dude. I guess money, fame and a quasi-annoying, "high concept" TV series can't buy you serenity.

· 8/15 Turning into my doctor's office parking lot near Beverly & Robertson, my wife says "Watch out for the homeless guy."

Homeless guy? Pshaw! It's Liev Schreiber, my generation's Olivier, hobbling around with a cast on his foot, looking glum and scruffy. His sartorial sense, baseball cap, wrinkled, un-tucked shirt and khakis, reminded me of another screen legend: Robert Shaw in Jaws.

· 8/19 - saw tom waits and his son/grandson/whatever at beastie boys. he was very casual and quiet and rad and had corpse-ier skin than keith richards. we walked down the stairs behind him to go to the bar in hospitality and it seemed like everyone there stopped their conversations and stared at him. i saw the neanderthal-ish guy from justice in the pit as well but i don't think that's really a celeb sighting unless you stay up late looking at cobrasnake.

· Friday 8/17 Fred 62. Spotted Mr. Eko (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) from Lost...big dude, didn't smile. Stood near the counter top for a while, but didn't see what he was up to. A little later, Heather Graham sat down in a booth with an older guy—looked like a business meeting...he had a lot of papers, seemed sort of "producer" like. She looked pretty. That is all. Boring, I know.

· Hi, Defamer. Yesterday, the 19th, I went to Sunset Junction early with my girlfriend. Around 1:30p we headed up to the Vista to catch the matinee of "Superbad" (so funny). I got into the concessions line to get us some junk food. Two people in line ahead of me, I noticed a shapely woman with colorful shoes, tight jeans and a form-fitting blouse. Her hair was kind of blonde-ish. I got a look at her face and, without a doubt, it was Rachel Leigh Cook, looking absolutely, stunningly beautiful (face, body, the whole package). She also had on a Sunset Junction wristband, so she must've done the same thing as my girlfriend and me. She was with a guy who looked around 40 —graying a bit, short hair. Sad (but lucky for him) that this guy is her (I assume) boyfriend. I hope to God the guy's loaded, because if not, she could do so, so much better (no offense — sorry old man).

· Friday night at the Village Idiot, Jonathan Bennett (AKA The Cute Boy in Mean Girls) with friends. He's cute in person, but I spent my entire meal trying to remember if I knew him from college or from the TV.

Sunday at Bristol Farms — Celebrity Sighting HQ — Michael C. Hall in the produce department. He gave me a weirdly aggressive "YEAH IT'S ME WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?!" glare. Dude, I was just looking for the jicama.

· Aug. 17 - On my husband's American flight from DFW to BUR, William Fichtner, whom he recognized only because "Blades of Glory" had been the in-flight movie on his connecting flight. Sitting in first class looking tan and, god knows I quote, "a little sweaty."

· HACK ALERT! Aug. 17. I just patronized Swinger's on Beverly, where I found myself privy to Drew "Cleveland Rocks!" Carey's blatant hit on a member of the wait staff (who was, I must say, patently out of his league). She feigned interest convincingly at some banal anecdote he was relating about The Price Is Right. His arm was in a cast. And that's that.

· Aug. 20 Tucker Carlson is out in front of the McDonald's on Ventura & Radford, having an animated cell phone conversation. Brooks Brothers-y, a little chunky, cuter than I'm comfortable with.

· Saturday, August 19th, LAX. Joey Lawrence with a woman and infant. He was bald, shiny, and copper as a new penny. I was underwhelmed enough not to stalk him to baggage claim.

· 8/21 - Holy shit - I just saw William Mapother (aka fucking ETHAN ROM from Lost) last night at Ralphs in Brentwood. He is one scary looking guy even in real life. Absolutely made my night.

· Just moved to LA yesterday and my inaugural celebrity sighting was Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins, right?) at The Cat and Fiddle. He was at the "Have fun moving to New Jersey, see you in nine months when you realize it's a terrible place" goodbye party for the comedian Steve Hofstetter. He caught me totally staring him down. I merited an eyebrow raise in acknowledgement.

In today's episode: Jack Nicholson; Patrick Swayze and Heath Ledger; Jake Gyllenhaal; Keanu Reeves; Halle Berry; Paul Rudd; Thomas Haden Church; Helen Hunt; Linda Hamilton; Jemaine Clement; Michelle Rodriguez; Eric Dane; Hanson and Frankie Muniz; Dylan McDermott; Dita Von Teese and Ashley Hamilton; Wood Harris and Gloria Alred.

· 8/15. 2ish. Jack Nicholson. On Coldwater Cyn. Driving North. Why, in this heat would anyone be driving into the 818? But if Jack can do it, I sure can. But I was driving South and almost crashed into the church when I saw him in his hip ass convertible silver car. Didn't catch the model and make because he looked so cool in his sunglasses and aforementioned car. He is so cool that he may not have melted today in the 818...

· heath ledger was blonde and ponytailed at the spindrift show on 6th street tuesday night. whatever... he was unobtrusive and acted like a normal person, blah, blah, blah, but who cares about boring heath ledger when patrick fucking swayze shows up in pink pants a black and white tiger-print seventies-collared shirt and a platinum blond mullet of a wig? (a costume probably? he was filming next door.) anyway, he couldn't have been cooler, laughing and posing for pictures and signing autographs and doing a couple dirty dancing wiggles and a roadhouse kick for the ladies. then he waved and disappeared like a some kind of magical leprechaun who'd given us a pot of awesomeness. fuck yeah, patrick swayze. you rule!

· Aug 16 Hey, so my friend and I were enjoying the tasty delights of Loteria! (I can't figure out how to make my keyboard do the upside-down exclamation point) in the Farmer's Market and who should ALSO decide to partake but Heath Ledger, soon to be AKA The Joker, along with some pals and dragging a sleeping infant which assumedly was his. Dude was approximately 7 feet tall and in regulation gear (torn jeans, cool-guy shirt, bed-head), looking Lurch-like yet handsome. After lunch he proceeded to spend an inordinate amount of time in the sticker store next door.

· I know this is late but I was out of the country. I saw the gorgeous and talented Jake Gyllenhaal at the Academy's Samuel Goldwyn theater on Saturday August 4th for The Bourne Ultimatum screening. He had on a baseball cap, flannel shirt and jeans. He looked yummy and tried to be inconspicuous. He was met by a cute blonde. He stayed to the end of the credits as protocol requires at the Academy. Go Jake!

· Tuesday 8/14—Keanu Reeves on the corner of Sunset and Vine, heading towards Magnolia or Bowery Bar. He was graciously having his picture taken with squealing tourists, while wearing his official uniform of ill-fitting black blazer, scruffy beard, and motorcycle helmet.

I saw Halle Berry today (Aug 14) with her tall, gorgeous, hunk of boy toy boyfriend. They came into Pink Taco at Century City mall for lunch around 1:30pm. He was in jeans, a white t-shirt, baseball hat and very scruffy unkempt, unshaven look.

She looked gorgeous, long hair and in a deep brown baby doll top which made her look preggers. My friend and I both said at the same time, "Halle Berry! Is she preggers?" jinx

No one in the restaurant seemed to recognize them or even look up. They were escorted to a booth in the far back corner and had a quiet lunch.

· finally made it to Mozza last week, 8/8. saw PAUL RUDD with his wife, and another couple. we were waiting at the front for our table when they walked in. they also had to wait, but were very cool about it. no drama, no hollywood hissy fits. his wife is pretty, but sort of plain, in a mid-western/girl-next-door way. always liked him. like him even more now, knowing he likes 'regular' girls.

· Hi guys, 8/12 saw Thomas Haden Church at the Good Earth in Studio City. Wearing a light blue denim shirt which men with blue eyes should always wear. Dude is BIG - tall and built. He could use Tobey Maguire as a tooth pick. Nice deep rumbly voice, too. Was alone, looked like he was going to grab a bite and read the paper.

· Spotted: Helen Hunt, crossing Arizona St. in Santa Monica at about 8pm with a tall blond man (her husband?) on Wednesday, August 15th. She was wearing sandals, loose pants, and a sweater over a tank top. She looked too thin, with sunken-in cheeks. Oy! I remarked to my boyfriend, "Forget the homeless people in Santa Monica...somebody get HER a sandwich!"

· Thursday, 8/9 10pm - Stopped in to the 7-11 on Santa Monica Blvd/Overland the same time Linda Hamilton walked in. Wearing dark leggings and a cream colored zip up, no makeup, hair pulled back, over thin and over blonde, but didn't look too bad for being 50. She was chatty with the clerk and the guy next to her in line. Seemed fairly normal and nice.

· Gelson's in WeHo is celeb sighting central. In the past I've seen Amanda Bynes (at the salad bar, barely helped herself to anything), Macaulay Culkin (several times, one time walking home with bags) and now, two days ago (Aug 13) - JEMAINE CLEMENT, of "Flight of the Conchords"! I actually don't watch the show but hear it's hilarious. Mostly I just dig that guy's accent and look, very unique. Jemaine was using the ATM near the booze section. I'm telling you, if you have out of town guests who are dying to spot someone famous, the WeHo Gelson's is just the ticket.

· Friday, Aug. 10: Saw Michelle Rodriguez at Dominick's on Beverley, with a male companion. She looked put-together and was very low-key, except for her distinctive laugh and the fact that she looks like she could kick your ass without much trouble, even while smiling. Also, girl is definitely not concerned about the tendency of low rise jeans to create a plumber's crack situation while sitting on a bar stool. Whatever, my view could have been much, much worse.

· The garden at the Chateau, Thursday night. Across the patio sat Eric Dane, with what looked like business associates, including a Zaftig blonde in too tight clothes and a Gay suit. Rachael "raisen-face" Zoe held court at a center table doing her wrinkles no service with the endless ciggies and scowls.

· Aug 15: I am at the Hanson show (don't ask) at the viper room. At eleven (their supposed set time) the opening band was just going on stage. Pissed, I walk out to buy cigarettes at the liquor store two doors west, where low and behold Hanson is PRACTICING in a corner. The best part of this sad little story? Little Frankie Muniz is hanging out with them, sporting an equally small mohawk and a goatee.

· Saw ex-Practice star Dylan McDermott arriving at LAX Saturday morning (August 11) looking hot as hell in jeans and a button up shirt. He was wearing sunglasses of course (might as well have written I'M SOMEBODY on his forehead)....but he still looked damn good! Isn't he in his forties? Wow. Even cuter, he ended up standing behind me in the security checkpoint for Southwest Airlines! I guess he doesn't mind saving a buck or two - or going sans first class. He was with his adorable daughter and he had no problem carrying her pink roller suitcase. He was super sweet, acting enthusiastic about her fascination with airport security.

· Aug 15 Patio of the Chateau. Dita Von Teese out for a night with the girls. And, wow, while Ms. Teese looked amazing with ivory skin that glowed, perfect hair and a demure, yet sexy outfit, her five "girls" were kinda' plain, looking like mid-market Sherman Oaks wives at best. Little style and ver vanilla. Completely shattered by fantasy. Shouldn't she be surrounded by a pack of adoring Suicide Girls at all times? Also in the garden, a more than grown-up Ashley Hamilton, looking kinda' like John Taylor with tattoo sleeves. Ash, of course, paid his respects to Dita, but left alone five minutes later.

· Thursday, August 16, 10:50 pm Wood Harris at the 7-11 on Sunset and La Brea, buying Smart Water and Vitamin Water. Friendly and down-to-earth. He could've retired after Above the Rim and still been a legend: "I'm a mothafucking soldier!"

· I spotted uber lawyer Gloria Alred in line at the Fox Sponsored Boston Legal Panel at the Writer's Guild Theater on August 14. She looked great in a pink suit. The best part? She was waiting patiently in the long line with all of us commoners!

So who's available? Jake Gyllenhaal, Hugh Grant and Joaquin Phoenix are open for offers, as are Gwyneth Paltrow and Halle Berry.

While obviously not a comprehensive list, it should provide a nice starting point for studios desperate to rush into production any project already turned down by Tobey Maguire, a romantic comedy about a lovable stammerer, any project turned down by Matt Damon, a script with premature Oscar buzz that will eventually be released on 10 screens in late December to little fanfare, or any film in which some gratuitous nudity can be at least tenuously ascribed to artistic necessity. Also: Ben Affleck is probably available for a wide array of roles. There's no better time for a big comeback than during the hysteria of strike-insurance stockpiling.

• Agents work overtime to book clients [THR]

In today's episode: Hilary Swank, Kate Bosworth, and Courtney Love; Nat Faxon; Penelope Cruz and Shakira; Halle Berry; Julia Louis Dreyfus; John C. Reilly; Cuba Gooding Jr; Dave Chappelle; Lionel Ritchie; Henry Rollins; Judd Apatow and Emmanuelle Chriqui; Ryan Seacrest; Paula Abdul; Larry Birkhead; Jason Bateman and Martin Short; Milla Jovovich; Jeremy Sisto and T.R. Knight; Kevin Connolly; Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu; Michael Cera; Adam Levine; John Cho; Rick Schroeder; Pat O'Brien, Dido, and Todd Louiso; Dita Von Teese and Andrew Keegan; and Jake "Body By Jake" Steinfeld.

· A triple header night at Pizzeria Mozza! Sunday night, as we walked up we noticed the paparazzi hiding in the bushes. My first comment to my boyfriend was "Great - I'll have something to email defamer about!"...First celebrity of the evening was Courtney Love, looking pulled together, cleaned up, sober. Really, she looked like just another LA blonde. She was heading to the back room, where apparently Gwyneth Paltrow was throwing a private party. Nope, didn't see Gwyneth. My boyfriend noticed Hilary Swank sitting against the wall at a regular table. She looks smaller in person...very pretty, but I would have been happier seeing her look like her Brandon Teena character. (YUM!). As we were leaving, Kate Bosworth came out of the private party room. Hat trick!

· This morning (June 10), at "Tiny World" (westside baby furniture/gear store) saw Hilary Swank hanging out with a guy checking out furniture. Hmm....

· At the Rose Bowl Flea Market this Sunday, I had the pleasure of
standing behind 'Superman Returns' star Kate Bosworth on line for the venue's obscenely usurious ATMs, whose huge, floppy hat was probably great for keeping the sun off her fair head, but not quite big enough to hide her from identification by fans. Skinny, but not "Kate Bosworth Eating Disorder Shocker" skinny. She was with a guy I didn't recognize, but whose undeniable handsomeness means he's almost definitely an actor/bartender or model/waiter.

Also saw Nat Faxon, who currently stars in virtually every commercial currently on television and who recently sold a screenplay or something. I swear on the life of my nonexistent children that I am not a publicist trying to drum up buzz for his career by saying I saw him at the world's most impressive crap-meet.

· 6/10- Saw Penelope Cruz at the John Mayer show at the Hollywood Bowl. She skipped Ben Folds set and was escorted to her seat right before John came on stage. She was totally in to the show and gushing over Mayer. Found out later that she was with Shakira.

· 6/9 - Saw Halle Berry at the John Mayer concert at the Hollywood. She was sitting in one of the lower level boxes. Was with a couple of other women - no guys with her. Very nice skin.

· 6/10 - around 4:00pm, saw Julia Louis Dreyfus at the new Westwood Landmark Theater. She was coming out of theater 10 (we were coming out from theater 9) and on her way to the bathroom. No makeup, very casual shirt and shorts. You couldn't miss her. She looked like she was with some family and friends.

· Saw a very thin looking John C. Reilly at Safari Sam's on Sunday getting his hillbilly on at the Porter Wagoner show. Go ahead, google Porter Wagoner. You know you want to.

· So I know Cuba Gooding Jr. is a hero and all, what with the incident at Roscoe's over Memorial Day. That being said, I saw Rod Tidwell at the Famous Pinks Hot Dog Stand this past Monday as I was giving my visiting parents a tour of the city. My Girlfriend actually spotted him in line behind us and asked me for a verification and once I recognized the man that gave us such great works as Snow Dogs and Boat Trip, I slyly told my parents who they were about to see. Now being fro out of town, I didn't want them to be the tourists that asked him for his picture or made everyone else aware of his presence in line, as he had been incognito up until then (playing with his crackberry mostly). I told then, they saw and played it cool as well, not making a sound about it. Then of course no more than two minutes later some people further back in the line saw him and starting pestering him for pictures and whatnot. He was very nice to everyone, despite the fact that his son had just joined him in line. In any event, my parents were excited to see a real celebrity, and while I was proud of them for not saying anything to him, I greatly wish I could go back and yell "show me the money" just to see if he'd look in our direction.

· First, there was Lionel Ritchie on my Heathrow to LAX flight on Monday. Looking dapper and bejeweled, he held court by the baggage carousel while a flunkie directed two British Airways baggage handlers which of the bags belonged to Mr. Richie. There were 17 in total. Then after waiting a good 10 minutes for a car to pick him up at the curb (during which time he graciously posed for cellphone camera photos and shook hands) he hopped in the passenger seat and was off.

· Then, yesterday while driving down 3rd street waiting to turn onto Robertson, Dave Chappelle pulled up alongside me in his silver Lexus convertible. He was driving very slowly, stopped when the light was still green, and generally looked disoriented.

· After that, while leaving the Trader Joe's WeHo, I saw a man who looked like an old, frail version of Henry Rollins. And then a woman walked by him and said "I love your shows" and he said "thanks" so I guess it was either really him or just an old man with his own performing career.

· The Grove. Emmanuelle Chriqui was standing outside the theater/restrooms following the 10:15 showing of "Knocked Up". Bad security there, btw. They made everyone wait outside with no supervision , and there were "cutters". And not the Amy Winehouse kind. We responded by cutting the cutters and it get all West Side Story. Anyhoo, she was with a group of people, some of whom looked like they were family. "Knocked Up" with your family? Okaaay. And I'm usually the first to say celebrity girls look even better in person, but she was not nearly as hot as she was on Entourage the following night. My friend assured me that she probably wasn't wearing make-up, but I just call 'em like I see 'em. Sorry, I forgot to say when this happened—it was last Friday night (June 1). And my friend talked to Judd Apatow before the film started; he was milling about in the hallway. There—I gave you a bonus, so don't bust my balls. :D

· Sunday, June 10: At trendy hard-to-get-reservations-at Pizzeria Mozza (Highland & Melrose), unshaven, t-shirted and jeans, Ryan Seacrest was sharing a lunchtime pizza with your typical skinny, blonde Hollywood-type young woman. Despite the close-together tables, (he was sandwiched between two other tables at elbows' distance), no one bothered him and he graciously thanked the people next to him with a fond goodbye.

· 6/10 - Bristol Farms, Bev Hills - I'm waiting for my soppresata panini like a commoner when I spot Paula Abdul standing right next to me. She was very well dressed and my first reaction to her was "just another rich Beverly Hills lady in a push up bra and fancy jewelry." I told her "the girls at the office are going to hate me for seeing you because THEY love you" (a slight hint that I do not watch American Idol). She gave me a sideways hug for this comment. I didn't know what to say next so I called her a "wonderful lady". God I need to work on my Jedi lying skills. I believe she was getting a turkey pesto sandwich - what this says about her is beyond me. Someone else can read into it. Also, I know what you want to know, NO she did not seem drunk. She seemed very lucid and very busy.

· I saw Larry Birkhead at Ralph's on Ventura in Studio City today (June 9). Cart was completely full; he was buying tons of cookies and doughnuts! Looks exactly like he does on tv.. best celeb sighting!

· June 9: Saw Jason Bateman and Martin Short at Cedars-Sinai. Jason is just as cute as on tv but Martin looks very decrepit.

· Saw Milla Jovovich at Nordstroms at the Grove. She was with a man-handler/agent type, really pretty.

· Sunday (6/8) at the Rose Bowl, amongst the unwashed hordes: Jeremy Sisto, mit entourage, and T.R. Knight, looking good, with a girl. Not shopping together, although both were probably thinking they could outsmart the canny old dude selling vintage Star Wars figurines.

· Last night around 7:30pm I was at the Bristol Farms on Doheny trying to figure out what wine to buy. As I come out of an aisle I am nearly run over buy Kevin (the suit) Connolly and his shopping cart, as he races (no exaggeration) the man was running around trying to get his groceries as quickly as possible. Despite my near death experience, it was a good sighting. He's pretty cute in person.

· Not even the most in-demand Mexican director can resist the powers of the Pinkberry. I saw Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu at the Pinkberry on Beverly on Saturday (6/9).

· Cute-as-a-button Michael Cera ("Arrested Development," the upcoming Superbad) was at Palermo's on Vermont yesterday (Sunday June 10th) afternoon. He is very young. And the gnocchi is totally decent there.

Monday, 6/11, 4:45 pm

· Waiting for the bus (I'm poor and new to LA) on Sunset and Vine when I see none other than Adam Levine of Maroon 5 speed by in a sleek-looking Mercedes SUV. Lots of gel in his hair. I'll have to call my girlfriend when I get to Crenshaw.

· Not much of a sighting, but today (6-11) sat next to Harold from "Harold and Kumar" fame (John Cho) while he lunched at Alcove with an Asian girl about his age, and perhaps her mother. Notable only because he discussed how freaked out he was by the fact that when he met with Larry David, the comedian looked exactly like he does on "Curb"—wore the same sort of clothes and spoke the same way. Later in the lunch, his friend asked him if Sacha Baron Cohen was really as brilliant as everyone says—Harold had apparently gone to a "Borat" party—and Harold said yes. Shocking revelations from the younger generation.

· My Saturday night was born with a Silver Spoon in its mouth (June 9). Around 9:30, I walked in on a bizarre "Phantom of the Opera" inspired masquerade costume ball going down on the first floor of wannabe posh lounge Empress on Sunset. Sitting quietly amongst the white wigs, purple masks, and glittering wardrobe was a (Rick Schroeder). Black shirt and normal pants, he was the only civilian dressed soul in a corner table of 8 friends from the 1800s. At 11:30, saw (Alfonso Ribeiro standing in a circle with 4-5 "dudes" drinking bottled beers in the back room (its not a VIP) at LAX. No, I cant get you in anywhere when you come to visit LA.

· I attended Largo both Friday and Saturday nights to see Jon Brion. Friday night won for Most Random Sighting - Pat O'Brien. Homeboy is tall, but so tanned and generally weather-beaten that I couldn't tell whether he still had a moustache from where I stood. Turns out he does. One of my friends scored a table right next to his. She said he looked uninterested through most of the show. I guess Botox will do that.

Saturday night we spotted Dido hanging around as well as Todd Louiso, who played Dick - the nerdy, mild mannered record store clerk in High Fidelity. He was accompanied by an attractive brunette in a classy black dress.

· Andrew Keegan at (6/8) Friday's Hollywood Bowl Morrisey concert. (hey, I like 10 Things I Hate About You!) He still looks all right. He was carrying a picnic bag.

Dita Von Teese on (6/9) Saturday at the Bossa Nova on Sunset having lunch with two older female companions, I'm guessing they were family members. She looked stunning in a burgundy red dress with white polka dots on it.

· Body by Jake (Jake Steinfeld) on a very delayed flight from JFK to LAX Sunday night.

"It wasn't my wish to go into all of that again in this time of my life. I talked about it on Larry King Live and Oprah when it was relevant, and I felt like it was important to help other women and share it with them. Back in the day, I did feel empowered when I told that story and I felt, 'This might help somebody because I survived it and I learned a lot.' "

But it's just not where I am today and I really hate that it's been presented like it is... I'm in such a great time in my life right now it wouldn't be my wish to really revisit that period, but this outlet did and made it seem as if it were current again. Because I have a movie out some magazine has sensationalized some old material and it's not something that I want to talk about. It's 10 years old and I'm so past it."

Parade, indignant that Berry would so publicly push them away as they tried to envelop her in their warm, celebrity-cuddling embrace, has issued a statement of its own claiming that they've got Berry on tape willingly exploring (yet again) that dark day from her past:

"All of the quotes in the April 1 PARADE profile on Halle Berry came from a candid sit-down interview between Ms. Berry and PARADE writer Emily Listfield on January 25, 2007. Ms. Berry talked very freely (on tape) about the challenges she has faced in her life, including her failed marriages and suicide attempt. It is unfortunate that Ms. Berry has chosen to respond to media interest by backing away from what she originally told PARADE. Anyone who actually read the article is sure to see it as a very positive profile of a strong woman who has overcome many challenges in her life and is now on a clear path to happiness."

Despite Parade's statement, we find it hard not to side with Berry in her attempts to stand up to the reputation-assassinating, bullying Sunday paper insert obviously desperate to steal away housewives' eyeballs from equally scandalous headlines (2 FOR 1 BRAWNY PAPER TOWELS COUPON SHOCKER!) in the competing Ralphs weekly specials circular. How could she know that the reporter holding that tape recorder intended to use the inspirational tale of how she overcame her demons to help promote her upcoming movie, and wasn't just saving it for her personal use should the scribe ever find herself the victim of persistent suicidal ideation? Such a breach of trust certainly imperils the possibility of Berry ever again sharing the uplifting story during a future publicity junket, depriving millions of women of the now-happy actress's many past experiences that could save their lives.

• Halle Berry Upset Over Suicide Story [Starpulse]
• Halle's Recycled Suicide Story [MSNBC]
• 'My Sights Are Set On Motherhood' [Parade]

According to our friends at the Wow Report, Berry was so moved by the ceremony that she invited all of her fans to a penetrative display of appreciation, saying, "I cannot tell you how good it feels inside me right now. I wish you all could be inside me right now to know how it feels." (Luckily, there was ample security on hand to prevent Angry Batman or Head-Butting Chewbacca to follow through on any cute ideas about an impromptu superhero orgy with the X-Men franchise's Storm.) Moreover, all in attendance were relieved to see their favorite peformer free of the life-devaluing demons that seem to plague her each and every time she has a movie about to premiere.

[Photo: AP]

• Inside Halle Berry [WOW Report]
• Halle's Recycled Suicide Story [MSN]
• Previously: Happy Suck Up To Halle Berry Day! [Defamer]