Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
• 
  
• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
• 
  
• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
• 
  
• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

• 
  
• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
• 
  

The New York Post's gossip column didn't have much to base its conclusion that Ritchie had given the sleuthing tale a homoerotic backstory except for Downey's quote in the News of the World earlier this year that his Holmes and Law's Watson are "two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass."

That was apparently enough to put conservative radio host and family-friendly movie critic Michael Medved into a full-blown gay panic. "There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. ... Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Well, we got a hold of a copy of a script to see just how gay it is, and to Medved's relief (or secret disappointment?) there're no scenes of Holmes and Watson going Brokeback. Our version is dated March 18, 2008, so it may not be the final, final revision. But the only explicit sex mentioned is a half-naked post-coital shot of Downey and Rachel McAdams in bed. That doesn't mean, of course, that Ritchie didn't direct his actors to give the Holmes-Watson dynamic some sexual tension. Here's the script's gayest moment — a scene that comes early in the movie when Watson tells Holmes that he's getting married. I could see how it could be played gay, but be your own judge.

Click images for a larger, more legible version

An action yarn complete with ham-slamming fisticuffs and wittily bantered-about gun play, a sexy/funny love interest (Rachel McAdams), and a door hoofening sidekick (Jude Law's Watson). While some (including us) may have been hoping for something darker and more ruminative, something in the vein of From Hell (but better), we should have known better based on Ritchie's lock stocking oeuvre. Ah well.

Looks fun, at least. We'll see it at Christmas.

[via Movieline]

• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

However, that's exactly what Madonna is trying to pull after her own rep, Liz Rosenberg, released figures to the tune of $76 million to $92 million on Monday. Now, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are fighting this rampant, inaccurate misinformation put out by, uh, themselves:

"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest," their statement reads. "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued...this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well-being of our children."

So did a renegotiation go down? We're not sure, but we hope that Ritchie is ribbing the Material Girl with the appropriate taunt: "Save as draft, Madonna, save as draft."

• Madonna, Guy: Mega Divorce Settlement "Inaccurate" [E!]

Liz Rosenberg tells The Associated Press that Madonna, 50, has given Ritchie, 40, between $76 million to $92 million as part of their divorce agreement. (The figure includes the value of the couple's country home Ashcombe in western England, she said.)

Although the singer keeps the bulk of her estimated $500 million fortune, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement," Rosenberg noted.

Rosenberg confirms that Madonna will be in England for Christmas, though she's cagey over British reports that the singer will be staying with Ritchie at Ashcombe so that the children can have all of their family present for the holiday. And what a fun, freewheeling holiday it will be!

‘He is planning on having a traditional turkey dinner – although all the food will be organic at Madonna’s insistence.

‘Madonna doesn’t really like Ashcombe but she thinks it’s important that they put on a united front for the kids. She will, however, be eating a different meal as she will only eat fish. She will also be working out on Christmas Day.’

While we know that Jews celebrate Christmas differently (if at all), we admit Madonna's approach is a new one: after Lourdes, Rocco, and David unwrap presents of B12-filled syringes and New York Yankee pajamas, the pop star will retire to her thirteen-hour Christmas Day workout, stopping only to swallow a halibut whole (scales and all) and to buzz the Ashcombe intercom, taunting, "Allowance, Guy, Allowance."

• Rep: Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie at Least $76 Million in Settlement [Us]

• Guy and Madonna WILL spend Christmas together [Daily Mail]

Warner Bros. has finally released some non-paparazzi photos from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, and they showcase Downey Jr.'s physique (in an exploration of Holmes's boxing roots) as well as Jude Law as his Watson. Still unseen: Ritchie's provocative new "fiery penis" storyline. Guy, we've got a stunt double who's ready to audition...

• New Photos: Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes [MTV]

Though the list may seem excessive, Madonna deserves credit for cutting it down from the original 15; commands like "They are to spend the hours between 6 and 8 cleaning out the Dita costume," "In the weekly reenactment of Swept Away, Rocco is to play Jeanne Tripplehorn," and "The children are not allowed to partake of our Propecia," surely fell victim to her everlasting benevolence.

[Image Credit: Daily Mail]

• Mama don't preach: Madonna lets Guy see his boys... on 12 conditions [Daily Mail]

Madonna and Gwyneth became friends in 1999, just around the time when Madge started dating Guy Ritchie, whom she met through Sting and his wife Trudie Styler. Their friendship started out randy, with this report from early 2000 in the Vancouver Province:

Some new late-breaking gossip from the wild scene at the Bar Room on New Year's Eve: The New York Post reports that, at around 4 a.m. Jan 1, Madonna and newfound soul mate Gwyneth Paltrow began necking like mad.

Not surprising, since Madge has a long history of "close" relationships with female friends like Sandra Bernhard and Ingrid Cesares. Then later in 2000, Gwyneth was a bridesmaid in Madonna's wedding, alongside other new posh British friend Stella McCartney. What happened to her sassy, scrappy girls from way back like Debi Mazar and Rosie O'Donnell? Why weren't they part of Madonna's public narrative anymore?

In 2002, the Chicago Sun-Times wondered the same thing. "What draws the Detroit homegirl and the uptown fashion queen toward each other?" they pondered. Gwyneth told them that she and Madge get along because "we are on similar paths in our lives in what we eat and our yoga—stuff like that."

But perhaps the Madonna's Brit-love was turning to hate, even as early as '04? According to a report in the Daily Mail,

Miss Paltrow, who is often fulsome in her praise of Britain and whose husband is English rock singer Chris Martin, has apparently decided on a home birth at her mother's house in Los Angeles…One friend said: 'Madonna told her all these horror stories about how bad the English hospitals are. So now she has decided to give birth in Los Angeles.'…'Have you been to hospitals in England?' Madonna asked. 'They are old and Victorian. You know I like efficiency.'

Ah yes, efficiency. One has to wonder, as the Sun-Times did half a decade ago, if Madonna and Gwyneth will remain close when their friendship is no longer mutually beneficial. Madonna became friends with Gwyneth when she was trying to cultivate a classy, erudite image. Gwyneth became friends with Madonna when she was just acclimating to British society and needed a famous friend. Somehow we can't imagine Chris Martin and A-Rod bonding over, well, anything. A love of yoga and macrobiotics is usually not the stuff of longterm relationships. Now that the always shape-shifting Madonna is moving on from that stage of her life, will Gwyneth be along for the ride?

Earlier: Madonna To Replace Guy With Gwyneth

Related: A Manor Of Fact [People]

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law - who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie - was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates.

The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Ritchie would have acted sooner had he not been attending at that moment to yet another ominous text message from his divorcing wife. Once Downey's desperate screams of, "MY DICK! SOMEONE PUT OUT MY DICK!" had died down, however, the director comforted his star by explaining that he went through a similar trauma daily: Should he have ever climbed into bed without having made peace with Madonna over that day's squabbles, she would slowly pat the propane device on her nightstand, reminding him, "Blowtorch, Guy. Blowtorch."

• Robert Downey Jr's fire crotch [BANG via Monsters and Critics]

Our spies say the clandestine East End meeting between soon-to-be-divorced Madge and freshly single A-Rod occurred on Oct. 21. A chopper carrying the Yankee slugger was seen landing in East Hampton, where he was picked up in a white Porsche 911 matching the description of Jessica's car.

Less than 40 minutes later, another helicopter that took off from Chelsea Piers with Madonna aboard landed at the same airstrip.

"A dark SUV and Jerry in another Porsche both pulled up and picked up Madonna and they headed back to Jerry's place," a witness told us. "When they arrived at the Seinfeld home, Madonna poked her head out the window and could be clearly seen."

Though we question the efficacy of a secret plan involving separate helicopters, cars, a safe house, and an incredibly famous celebrity, we're more concerned with what this choice reveals about A-Rod. Sure, this burgeoning affair might seem sexy and glamorous, but is it worth four hours of Seinfeld puttering around, demanding to show off outtakes from his aborted Microsoft campaign? Madge has got you wrapped around her finger now, and she knows it. If you see her stroke her mustache in a crafty fashion, know that this is where things went awry.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• MADGE, A-ROD COPTER QUICKIE [NY Post]

• Madonna and Guy Ritchie exclusive: She bombards him with weird texts and says 'You're going down' [Mirror]

Boomp3.com

On the London set of Sherlock Holmes, free spirit Robert Downey Jr. did his best to cheer his director Guy Ritchie up. Partnering up with the effects and stunt departments, Downey crafted a rig that allowed him to fly around the set. A rather glum Ritchie perked up at the sight of Downey soaring majestically, as Downey shouted down, “Relax, Guy. I’m going to fly in this movie, too. People love it when I’m flyin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom:

The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another."

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counselors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

To each their own, of course, but "Contract, Guy, contract"? Worst. Safe word. Ever.

• http://www.link.com">Marriage 'contract' controlled Guy's life [The Sun]

Boomp3.com

Sherlock Holmes star Robert Downey Jr and an extremely animated Jude Law took the swingin’ streets of London to help their boss, Guy Ritchie, wash that woman out of his hair with a night on the town. Downey Jr. said, “It’s not going to be a bender. It'll never be a bender, but we're going to have the most fun humanly possible before our 6 a.m. call time. Watch out, world, reformed Kabbalist on the loose!"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Life & Style
"Angelina Admits Love Affair." The mag tries to milk a cover story out of that line Angelina said about her kids watching their parents fall in love in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Boring! Also inside: Nick Hogan was released from prison on October 21. There's a "Recession Special" story called "Even The Stars Are Cutting Back!" For example, Katie Holmes was spotted holding a travel mug, therefore the mag speculates that she is trying to save $25+ a week in lattes. Jessica Simpson's roots are showing, which means she is saving $225 a 'do. Carmen Electra washes her own car, which saves her $25 a wash. Next: Tina Fey was opposed to Sarah Palin's guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. An insider says she thought it takes the teeth out of the satire by letting the real Palin in on the joke. Lastly: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have approached Michael Phelps about doing a reality show, which will focus on Michael's new life and fame.
Grade: F (blackwater)


In Touch
"Yes, We Had Plastic Surgery." Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Demi Moore, Paula Abdul, Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman and Tara Reid have all had Botox or some other kind of procedure. Botox isn't surgery, is it? Next: Sean Penn and Robin Wright called off their divorce in April, but according to a source who lives in their San Francisco neighborhood, Sean still unabashedly flirts with women and asks for phone numbers. Katherine Heigl and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby from Korea. Her sister, Meg, was adopted from Korea. The mag helpfully adds pictures of Katherine with her sister's kids so you can see what she looks like with Asian children (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (greywater)


OK!
"Tears, Lies & Money." Six pages on how Madonna and Guy's divorce is messy, with some wedding pictures we hadn't seen before (Fig. 2). And Alex Rodriguez is on the scene! A source says, "I've heard that Madonna calls A-Rod her boyfriend." plus, A-Rod has a house in Rye, NY, by the water, that he uses to get away from the city. A source says it's very private and Madonna has been there more than once. There's also a page called "Who Gets What?" that lists all of Madge & Guy's assets: The house, the pub, the Mini Cooper. Moving on: In an OK! poll of "Who Has The Cutest Little Pumpkins," Marcia Cross beats Heidi Montag (Fig. 3). Who are the 36% of people who voted for Heidi??? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is "the odd woman out" on The View; during breaks she is always alone, according to an audience member. Shenae Grimes, 19, of 90210 was spotted buying six packs of Parliament Lights cigarettes. She posted on her blog: "I smoke. It's who I am." Next: Gwen Stefani's son Kingston, 2, "runs around the house knocking things down. He's a troublemaker." On a spread called "Real Sizes Revealed!" we discover that Kelly Ripa is a 2 and Meryl Streep is an 8 (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (non-potable water)


Us
"Lies, Cheating & Abuse." According to the story inside, two months ago, Madonna and Guy actually stopped speaking. Only their assistants talk to each other. A-Rod spent time backstage at Madonna's Oct. 11 concert in NYC and Madge and A-Rod also spend time at the Kabbalah Center in New York, "the only place they can really hide out," according to a source. Another Madonna source insists that the A-Rod affair is orchestrated and less intense than it appears. "[Her manager] Guy Oseary knew Madonna and Guy were splitting, and didn't want this 50-year-old lady without a man," a source dishes. "So he brought her together with Alex." Oh, and while Madonna and Guy were together, she would taunt him, saying "I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual." Snap! Moving on: Mandy Moore and DJ AM are back together! "Since the accident, it's blossomed into something again," a source spills. The source says Mandy says life's too short not to be with someone you really care about. Britney has been wearing a ring that looks like the one given to her by Adnan Ghalib. Plus: "She's also written a song called 'Papi,' her nickname for Adnan," an insider says. There are four pages devoted to the Heidi Montag/Lauren Conrad "tearful reunion." Here's a quote from Heidi: "I am just sorry for getting caught up in this negativity. I got sucked into it, it got out of control." Sarah Silverman critiques red carpet pix of herself in a story called "My Worst Outfits Ever." Lastly, Lindsay's new leggings line is "an ode" to Marilyn Monroe, who, as far as we know, never wore orange cheetah-print stirrup pants (Fig. 5). LL says, "I think all women feel sexy in leggings."
Grade: D+ (rainwater)


Star
"Jen Pops The Question: "Marry Me!" Jen said she'd only take John back if they got married, and he agreed. On John's birthday, they went back to Jen's house in L.A. A source says: "She lit a bunch of candles and slipped into some lingerie. She owns a ton of it — especially garter belts. She doesn't wear them outside the house, but she wears them in the bedroom!" A "friend" says: "Jen surprised John with a striptease. She got this little red and black number online. Nothing too X-rated, just skimpy. She wanted to do something special, so she gave him a private show and sang "Happy Birthday," just like Marilyn Monroe did for JFK." The source must be the underwear drawer this week. Next! The cover claims that Madonna "sleeps in a plastic bag" but the story explains it's an "age-defying" regimen that involves slathering herself with $800-a-jar cream and wrapping herself in plastic. Moving on: Mandy Moore has refused to speak to her mother, Stacy, since March, when she left Mandy's dad for a woman. Mandy's older brother is getting married later this year, and Mandy has warned him that if their mother is at the wedding, she's not going. Blind item: "What former bombshell needs someone to come to her rescue? Her drug use has ruined her looks and foiled any hope of reuniting with her ex. Insiders say her career is the next to go." Ooh, a story called "Gossip Girl Stars Gone Wild." Apparently there are photos out there of 15-year-old Taylor Momsen "looking wrecked and kissing a female friend." Blake Lively acts "childish" on the set and whines, "How come Blair gets to have all the fun parties?" to the wardrobe department. She and Penn Badgley annoy the crew because one won't show up until the other one is ready. Ed Westwick showed up hungover to a photo shoot, ate three bagels to feel better, but ended up puking all over the ladies room. As for Chace Crawford, he's been making out with girls who are not even remotely attractive. A source says: "He can have any girl he wants, but he tends to hook up with the below-average ones." Leighton Meester's "mortified" that the news about her mom giving birth in jail was revealed; she was "always in tears" on the set and kept having to get her makeup retouched. Also inside: out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst is still drinking. Lastly: Tina Fey's "secret weapon" is her husband: They've been married since June 2001 and they "met cute" in the theater. He's worked on every show she's done.
Grade: B- (tap water)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

One hopes, because there are three young children involved, that they'll keep their cool and blunder on in private. Though discretion is not always Maddy's forte and Guy will have to come to terms with the fact that he's not really famous without his muscly bride. Though juicy details about Madonna's Kaballah-fueled romp in the twenty million dollar hay with Yankees sucker Alex Rodriguez and Ritchie's supposed on-set romance with a young British chippy promise to "entertain" for some time. Plus, there are wonderful unconfirmed tidbits about Madge slapping Guy and calling him a coward for eating chocolate bars, and Guy returning fire by calling her old and wrinkly. Whee!

The tabloid press will, of course, screech and caw and ruffle their feathers, pulling smaller and smaller strands of meat from this marriage's dessicated carcass, but eventually—if Madonna and Guy play it close to their chests—they'll have to find some other moldering corpse of a blessed union to feed off of. Who's due? Um... Ashlee and Pete? Nicole Richie and that man that she married? Elton and David??

· Madonna's inner-circle (a 450-person-strong army consisting of stylists, trainers, hair & makeup people, plastic surgeons, background singers and Voguers, and one horseback riding instructor) claim Ritchie's nickname is "Material Guy," for his notorious gold-digging tendencies. [The Sun]
· A-Rod is shopping around for real estate near Madonna's apartment on the Upper West Side, and is closing in on an $80 million, 5,200-square-foot penthouse in the new Robert A.M. Stern condo going up there. [NY Daily News]
· In the NYC-London battle royale for Madonna's presence, look for New York to win. She accepted a life in London for Ritchie's sake. That means a Brooklyn accent should return within the year! Yay! [People]
· Unless of course you believe the story that says her heart is in London, and she could never leave. [Daily Mail]
· Ritchie reportedly infuriating Madonna when she learned he humiliated daughter Lourdes by pointing out her budding breasts and saying she's "becoming a woman" over lunch. [The Sun]
· Ritchie claims he's being spied upon by Madonna's camp, saying, "this is a divorce, not the Cold War." [The Sun]
· Madonna and kids arrived at the Chelsea Piers sports facility in New York with a massive security duty—and in a particularly nice touch, Rocco was wearing a Yankees T-shirt. Both he and sister Lourdes were photographed laughing and playing. [Daily Mail]
· African demi-orphan David Banda's biological father is apparently listening in to the developments on his battery-operated Aiwa radio in disgust, telling The Sun: "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him." [Newsday]

Compare that, then, with this interview, taken a few weeks earlier at TIFF, in which Extra cornered the director to ask him about his Untitled Kabbalah Project I Have No Intention of Completing Once I Get What's-Her-Face Out of My Life. When asked if Madonna was contributing to the project, Ritchie's lolly-headed animus barely conceals contempt for his insufferable wife and her Purim-centric belief system.

[Photo credit: Splash News via Crazy Days and Nights]

• TIFF Interview with Guy Ritchie [Extra]