1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

When Charlton Heston left this mortal coil at the ripe old age of 83 last month, most of the obits that ran gave equal prominence to the Hollywood legend's affiliation with the NRA as they did to his status as one of cinema's most iconic actors. After all, the last time that most of us saw him on screen was his cameo appearance in Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine, when the rotund lefty iconoclast stormed the grounds of the noted rightie's compound high in the Hollywood Hills and forced the bordering-on-senile Heston into doing one of the most painful interviews ever committed to celluloid. "I'm assuming you keep guns in the house?", Moore asked Heston. "Indeed I do," Heston replied. "Bad guys take note." And from the looks of this photo of the massive arsenal that Heston kept in his basement, the "bad guys" he was referring probably weren't of the common crook variety, but rather the size of the army that attempted to take over the state of Colorado in Red Dawn. The full-sized photo in question, after the jump.

After spending a few good minutes checking out the stash of weapons (yes, that's a flamethrower on the far right) that CH accumulated, we couldn't help but flashback to the scene in Falling Down where the protagonist D-FENS (excellently played by Michael Douglas) wanders into a gun shop owned by a rabid White Power/Nazi enthusiast. Now we're not accusing Heston of being either racist or an anti-Semite — after all, he was the first actor to shatter the taboo that humans and extraterrestrial apes couldn't french — but rather that someone who obsessed this much over weaponry that they went out and amassed a collection that included a Howitzer (!) clearly could've spent more time on an analyst's couch dealing with his issues than he apparently spent at the antique gun shop. While the fourth grader in us would've thought this collection was totally sweet, the grown-up version of us is glad that someone took the keys to this room away from Heston during his final, Alzheimer-stricken days.

And, just for posterity's sake, here's the interview between Michael Moore and Charlton Heston that we were referring to above.

• Charlton Heston's Basement Arsenal [AdScam/The Horror!]

Pistol-packing Joe Mantegna is blasting a chink in the politically correct armor of some Hollywood heavyweights he says they love to own and shoot guns.

The "Joan of Arcadia" star says that such left-leaning showbiz types as Steven Spielberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and playwright David Mamet are all avid shooters.

"Lots of guys in Hollywood love to shoot," Mantegna, a longtime gun sportsman, tells Fade In magazine. "But they ain't gonna talk to you."

"Apocalypse Now" screenwriter John Milius agrees. "It's fascinating that Hollywood is so hypocritical," he says. "Many people own [guns], but consistently vote against them and never talk about them. I used to shoot with Spielberg and [Robert] Zemeckis and Robert Stack. But no one else would admit they had any." [...]

Even gung-ho action director Richard Donner ("Lethal Weapon"), who has a concealed weapon permit, was reluctant to talk. "I am anything but a gun enthusiast," he said in a terse statement. "The only reason I would ever own a gun is for the protection of my home, my environment or my family under the circumstances in which I am forced to live."

May we remind these pansy-assed "guns are no fun" wallflowers that we are in the middle of a war?! The Great Celebrity Paparazzi War has only just begun. Perhaps if more people took cues from Britney Spears yes, it was only a BB gun, but change must start somewhere, my friends then we could all sleep a little easier. Let us stroll through the slightly Altzheimered halls of Charlton Heston's daydream fantasies; it's a Hollywoodland where every man, woman and child proudly holds aloft their semi-automatic weapon in one hand, a copy of the Second Amendment in the other, while waving their SAG membership with their third...

Wait. How many hands do we have again? So hard to...recall...

• L.A. LIBERALS PACKIN' HOT LEAD [Page Six]