The result was a brilliant unraveling of sentences that left Houston virtually out of breath, as well as a delicious feedback loop when Houston's pauses and a teleprompter immediately rushed to its slowest setting caused her to stagger her words with even greater infrequency. Though she's the healthiest we've seen in her in ages, the over-deliberate phrasing reminded us of our own sometimes-inebriated insistences that, "No. We. Are. NOT. Drunk" (with a little bit of our high school drama teacher's vocal cadences thrown in for garnish). The final verdict? It's not quite right, but it's definitely OK.

• The Grammys [CBS]

1. Whatever musical-number scenario Hugh Jackman winds up dumped into must feature the USC marching band. Jennifer Hudson was lovely and dignified, and M.I.A.'s pregnancy made for an unprecedentedly skull-bending blast of awards-show history. But neither yielded the Oscar-ready, post-ironic showstopper accompanying Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood on "15 Steps" — just the 30-piece, drum-and-brass thing to back up those aboriginal wind-spirits in the evening's Best Song medley. By contrast...

2. Disinvite the Jonas Brothers. You can't revoke Stevie Wonder's lifetime Grammy exception for one skunky Autotune intro and his abetting in the destruction of "Superstition." But you can punish the Jonas Brothers for their pitchy, rapey "Burnin' Up" overture: Confiscate their awards-season passports, and detain them until at least a full day after the Oscars just to prevent any further talent-pairing misfortunes. Actually, make it indefinite, lest their plot against Baz Luhrmann is actually legit.

• The Grammys [CBS]

(Nearly half of which plunged sharp objects into their eyes and ears after witnessing Radiohead, T.I., the Jonas Brothers, Kenny Chesney and Robert Plant duet on "That's What Friends are For.") [Variety]
· Because it never stops being fun, the SAG board has re-fired Doug Allen and booting the feature-primetime negotiating committee. [Variety]
· Ed O'Neill will star in ABC half-hour pilot An American Family, playing a "60-year-old man who becomes a stepfather after marrying a Latina 30 years his junior." [THR]
· Star Wars: The Clone Wars has received a second-season pickup from Cartoon Network, ensuring the swishy adventures of Ziro the Lilac Hutt will continue for a long time in a galaxy far, far a gay. Away. We meant away. [THR]
· LA's Center Theater Group will mount David Mamet's Oleanna, with Bill Pullman and Julia Stiles in the roles of college professor/psycho accusatory student (or is she?). Pullman assured producers his mercury levels are "as normal as the next guy's." [Variety]

First some background: the young singers were leaving a Clive Davis pre-Grammy party late Saturday night when the altercation allegedly happened outside their vehicle. Rihanna went to Cedars Sinai sporting facial bruises, while Brown fled the scene, only to eventually turn himself in (under the charge of making "criminal threats") before posting bail. His lawyer? None other than the ubiquitous Mark Geragos, who's also repped Winona Ryder and Michael Jackson.

Now, though, TMZ is reporting that an investigation is ongoing to charge Brown with assault with a deadly weapon—though the weapon in question is unknown. A simple fistfight or series of punches rarely progresses beyond a battery charge, so Brown would have had to use an outside object in the assault (or his own feet, as kicking a victim can be construed as using a deadly weapon). Then there are the bite marks that some news outlets are reporting Rihanna was found with. Ugh. Our thoughts go out to America's Barbadian sweetheart. (Depressingly) developing...

• Rihanna Alleged Victim — Deadly Weapon Charge [TMZ]

Satriani is reportedly still upset about the British quartet's "Viva La Vida," which boasts a curiously similar melody to one of the guitar icon's '90s masterworks. The ensuing controversy — complete with fan-cultivated evidence and Coldplay leader Chris Martin's infamous "Moe Batriani" kiss-off — had subsided and was thought settled in Wanker Court or wherever such tussles are typically resolved.

But now we know Satriani, like a snake lurking in the tall, think awards-season grass, was simply priming his legal minions for a spectacular sneak attack. Behold — the Grambush:

[A]ttorney Howard King of King Paterno et al [...] claims that Coldplay has dodged being served, and that the Grammys are the easiest forum at which to strike while the iron is hot.

King says, "We have warned their British lawyers that we have hired a fleet of process servers lined up to dog the band everywhere they go this weekend in the hopes of serving them."

King even promises to have camera crews roaming around with the process servers to get the whole thing on tape.

Finally! A reason to watch the Grammys. Still, the strategy seems to entail a lot of work that could probably be consolidated into a single incident like the one that befell Bob Dylan in 1998, with the stage-crashing antics of "Soy Bomb" upgraded to involve four process servers with subpoenas painted in fine print on their bare chests. Either that, or Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift can lyrically duet the documents in the band's direction in a 10-minute awardscast filibuster. Either/or, we'll take whatever.

• Gwyneth's Hubby: Viva La Lawsuit [Fox News]

The British quartet fell one nod short of rapper Lil Wayne's eight Grammy nominations, with their Viva La Vida and Tha Carter III (respectively, we think) facing Radiohead, Ne-Yo and Robert Plant and Alison Krauss for Album of the Year honors. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye West followed with six nominations each, virtually none of whom will compete against the more formidable artistry of Jason Mraz ("I'm Yours"), Adele ("Chasing Pavements"), M.I.A. ("Paper Planes"), Sara Bareilles ("Love Song"), Estelle ("American Boy") and Leona Lewis ("Bleeding Love"), who will all vie for either/or/both the prizes for Song and Record of the Year.

And finally, providing the flaming beacon around which Pop-Culture Satan's vast armies have begun their bloodthirsty convergence, The Jonas Brothers are the runaway favorites to claim the year's Bew New Artist award — after three albums. (The Emanuel Brothers, though? Snubbed!) They humbly accepted their nomination in front of millions on Wednesday night:

"I can't believe we're here today, onstage," Kevin Jonas said backstage. "We've always dreamed of being recognized for being artists," Joe Jonas said. Brother Nick Jonas added, "I think what's been very important for us is the songwriting."

In fairness, we've already established that their singing and their style are clearly subordinate, so hey — why not? May their Grammy mascotry lead us all to a more melodic, creative Apocalypse for all. And pass the vodka.

• Lil Wayne, Coldplay lead Grammy noms [THR]

• Hip-hop, rock represent at Grammys [Variety]

Some fifteen minutes into the emotional acceptance speech for his Rap Album victory, West chided the producers trying to play him off stage with some "wrap it up" music, then continued on with a rambling, forty-five minute disquisition (which, in fairness, did include a tribute to his mother) on the struggle for respect he may never win, no matter how many more gilded gramophones the Academy grudgingly hands over.

• And the winner is ... Herbie Hancock? [CNN.com]

It's unclear how much of an impact a WGA picket line would have, but the kudocast will have to make do without the usual 10-20 actors who usually serve as presenters. Last year, for example, Quentin Tarantino, Luke Wilson, Nicolas Cage, Terrence Howard, Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Rock and David Spade appeared on the show.

This year also has a substantial number of nominated musicians who have appeared in films and on TV. Chief among them are Justin Timberlake, Queen Latifah, Tim McGraw, Beyonce, Jack White, Jon Bon Jovi, T.I. and Fantasia. Among the nominees who have historically not crossed picket lines are Bruce Springsteen, the Beastie Boys, Joni Mitchell, John Mellencamp and Steve Earle.

The strike could also affect the show's script. For this year's 50th anniversary edition of the Grammys, the Recording Academy would like to present a show with a number of historical packages, which would require a writing staff. Producer Ken Ehrlich and journalist David Wild, who wrote a Grammys 50th anni book, have written recent editions of the show.

Well, T.I. was sort of a given as a no-show. There have still been no performers announced for the telecast aside from the Foo Fighters, although Variety'searlier report indicated that Dave Grohl would also be unlikely to cross a picket line. I'm just hoping that whatever does happen, Billy Bush will be nowhere near a Grammy-related telecast, as watching that guy smarm his way through Sunday night's Golden Globes press conference for even two minutes was absolutely nauseating.

Grammys strike chord with WGA [Variety]
Earlier: Will The Writer's Strike Drain The Grammys' Talent Pool?
[Photo: AP]

The big winner was Kanye West, whose eight nominations we predict will do much towards reining in the rapper's tyrannosaurus ego, and Motown throwback Amy Winehouse, nominated four times in the big categories, with each opportunity exponentially increasing the chance that the sobriety-averse chanteuse might reach into her beehive and magically produce her speech, an eight-ball, and a hand mirror. Nominated for five each were Foo Fighters, Jay-Z, Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and something called T-Pain, while four each went to Akon, Dierks Bentley, American Idol's Chris Daughtry, Feist, Tim McGraw, John Newton, Ne-Yo, Rihanna and, finally, Bruce Springsteen, for whom surely just knowing he's in the same company as that girl who goes "ella, ella, ella" will come as one of the highlights of an already legendary musical career.

• 50th annual Grammy Awards nominations [Variety]

While virtually our only memory of last night's Grammys telecast involves Justin Timberlake face-fucking a handheld video camera in an attempt to translate his performance into a more YouTube-ready format, an operative who was in attendance jogs our memory about a blink-and-you-missed-it Paris Hilton appearance we'd forgotten about, offering a look at how her two seconds of screen time was made possible:

i was at the Grammys last night and about 2/3 through the show Paris Hilton and friend were ushered in - people were asked to leave their seats and a small scuffle ensues, Paris and friend sat down in those seats, she applied makeup and talked on her phone then - then surprise - the camera gets a shot of her in the audience, then paris and friend get up and leave and the original seat holders get their seats back. Was this in any way related to Hilton being a major sponsor of the Grammys? And do they really think having her there helps promote the hotel chain? Cause when I see Paris I'm thinking "ho" not "hotels."

If the aim was to offer the Hiltons a sneaky, near-subliminal plug for their sponsoring hotel chain by briefly planting their living, sex-tape-plagued brand extension in the audience for a cameo, it almost certainly backfired, as within seconds of the heiress's flashing across our screen, we felt an uncontrollable urge to go see if Paris Exposed had come back online to post a new round of bubble bath videos and STD-suppressing prescriptions.

[Pictured: Hilton engaged in deep conversation about public policy issues with L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa at the Universal Music after-party. Photo: Getty Images]

• Previously: Dixie Chicks Ride Country-Lite Flip-Off 'Nice' To Grammy Gold [Defamer]

Despite alienating a large chunk of their country audience after making anti-George Bush remarks in 2003, they clearly lost no points with Grammy voters, who awarded them country album and duo/ group awards as well as three of the "big four" awards. [...]

Besides her personal triumph, American Idol winner [Carrie] Underwood's victories were an artistic vindication for the hit TV show, which has often been derided in professional music circles.

There was as much drama behind the scenes as there was on stage, too (i.e. not much), as Page Six is also reporting that chronic bullying-victim T.R. Knight was forcefully ejected from a VIP table at the Rolling Stone/Justin Timberlake pre-Grammys performance at Avalon by Puff Security, a lapse of etiquette that should see a flurry of angrily worded statements from various VIP victims rights groups, followed by an elective stint for said bouncer in a 12-step program for overly aggressive bodyguards.

• Nice night for Dixie Chicks [USAToday]
• KNIGHT TO REMEMBER FOR PUFFY [NY Post]

• Britney Spears and Kevin at Grammy Awards Party [Hollywood Rag via CityRag

...At [the Grammy afterparty thrown by billionaire Ron] Burkle's, "Rush Hour" director [Brett] Ratner caused a one-hour traffic jam after paramedics and a fire truck were called in response to his full-blown panic attack - caused by an argument with his date - in front of the Spanish-style mansion. Cops came later and had the music turned off.

"Ratner was complaining of shortness of breath while leaning by the VIP check-in desk," a witness told The Post's Braden Keil. "My heart is racing," the witness overheard him repeating.

Ratner, however, recklessly endangered his health (and perhaps even more chillingly, the future of the Rush Hour franchise) by haggling with the concerned check-in staff. In between gasps of precious breath, the director demanded that three ambulances and a pair of medical choppers service his distress call; after the helicopters collided and the whirlybird fireball fell from the sky, destroying the first two emergency vehicles on the scene, the third would barrel through the ensuing wall of flame and deliver Ratner to the safety of a nearby hospital. But once a second, more intense wave of paralyzing anxiety gripped him, the staffers were finally able to negotiate him down to a single fire truck, the paramedic team, and a "kick-ass" traffic jam, citing the logistical and budgetary problems posed by his original rescue vision.

• STARS WENT BATTY AT GRAMMYS [Page Six via MyWay]
• Previously: Brett Ratner’s Totally Rad Oscar Bash [Defamer]

The only thing nearly worth discussing was Sly Stone stealing Grace Jones' circa 1986 look (or as Johnny Hong Kong pointed out to us, proving to the world that someone fed him after midnight), abandoning the secret Funk Cave where he's been hiding for the last 20 or so years, and showing up to pound out a few verses of "I Want to Take You Higher" before disappearing again, perhaps to eat the liver of Maroon 5's Adam Levine for daring to cover one of his songs at the show. Which, we assume, will make for a good story the next time Levine is trying to lay a waitress at the Chateau Marmont (as in: "Dude—The guy from Sylvester and the Family Stallones totally tried to kill me at the Grammys!").

So, um, yeah. That was the Grammys. At least the one part we watched in between flipping between Project Runway and American Idol.

• Complete Winners List [Grammy.com]
• Reclusive Sly Stone Steps Out at Grammys [AP]
• Grammy 2cent [johnnyhongkong says…]

No wonder music executives go to the mat to secure a spot on the lineup. In 1998, for example, then-Sony Music head Tommy Mottola threatened to withhold future appearances by Jennifer Lopez and Destiny's Child if a relatively unknown Latin singer named Ricky Martin was not given airtime.

"I used every form of manipulation and pressure you can imagine to make it happen," said Mottola, who said he even called CBS Chief Executive Leslie Moonves to make his case. Martin sang "La Copa de la Vida" at the 1999 Grammys, where he also won the best Latin performance award. By the end of the year, the singer had sold 9 million records, an eightfold increase over his previous sales.

The very, very devilish Mottola hounded Moonves day and night, playing Martin's song over the phone and begging the mogul to shoehorn the artist into the Grammys telecast. Moonves initially dismissed the music as "lobotomized, Iglesias-lite Muzak," prompting the record exec to dispatch Martin to demonstrate the range of his talents in person. After a few minutes of uninspired caterwauling, Moonves remained unimpressed—that is, until Martin's big finish, in which the singer finally turned the firehose of his passion on the man who held the key to his fame and fortune. One drenched, ruined suit and one excited phone call to Mottola later, Martin was well on his way to Grammy immortality.

• And the Winners Are ... Performers on the Show [LAT]