Almost as powerless as Serena, who managed to be stupider and sluttier than usual last night, and she spent most of the hour either trapped in a country house or lying in a hospital bed and she still managed to get on our nerves. Her mother didn't do any better, as ultimate mean girl Lily fell prey to a conniving bitch and her slutty daughter. Eric and Jenny had the lamest popularity feud in the history of television, Dan got the cold dready shoulder from Vanessa, and Chuck Bass was seeing things. Things were a little bit different on the Upper East Side, so the power was in a serious state of flux.

Dorota:
Power Play: Vanya gets a name check but she doesn't? She's slipping!: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: 55
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Family Secrets: His mother is alive!: +2 (for having a mom), His mother is alive!: -2 (for not knowing)
Fashion Points: Has a giant painting of Rachel Zoe on his wall. We read it as ironic: +1
Personality Flaw: Has a problem with feelings: -2
Power Play: Is haunted by the ghost of character actors past: -1, Not only does he have ghost dad messing with him, his fake step mother Lily is on him too: -2, Throws out Lily's flowers, which kind of ruled: +2, Better than his dad: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Blames Blair for feeling like a disappointment. Oh, hell no: -1
Social Schemes: Doesn't throw the homeless people out of his new building: +3
WTF: Has a full-on LSD flashback in the hospital: -1, It helps him grieve and get closer to Blair: +3
Total: 7
Season to Date: 29
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Giant houndstooth print blouse: +2, '30s inspired hat and coat: +1, Gets compliment on her outfit: +1
Power Play: Dan has to tell her about Serena's accident: -1, Was right about Trip: +2
Quip: "This is a homeless shelter. A) gross and B) really?": +1
Serena Bonus: Is not Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Brings Chuck breakfast in bed. She is not the help: -1, Chuck blames her for feeling like a failure: -2, Chuck is ignoring her booty calls: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Family Secrets: Lets Serena know his grandfather is away and that Trip has to be lying to her: +2
Fashion Points: Manbangs: +1
Personality Flaw: He does not do indignant well: -1
Power Play: Advises Dan to "man up." Please. Like this queen even knows what it is: -1, Punching Trip is the butchest thing he's ever done: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For wanting to bone her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks drama majors are sexy. Of course: -1, Can't help Serena: -1, Knows that the fastest way to Serena's heart is to give her drugs: +1, Stays at the hospital with Serena, which is kind of cute: +1, But she's Serena: -1
WTF: Hid pot in a book at the family summer home. That's our kinda guy: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: 11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: This outfit finally happened: -1, Exercises her accessory superiority: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Social Schemes: Banishes a minion to walk across the street: +2, Her minion is plotting against her: -1, So are Eric and his trolly little friend: -1, Please, like Eric poses a threat: +2, Has to buy her friends: -1, She still has minions to control: +2, Apologizes to Eric: -2, Still manages to hold on to power even though she's a shitty queen: +2, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3
WTF: Drug dealer Jenny! I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared for this storyline: +20
Total: 24
Season to Date: 1
Power Position: High

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily is keeping secrets: +2, Doesn't know what they are: -1
Personality Flaw: Has essentially become a Real Housewife of New York: +2, Stop feeding everyone!: -1
Power Play: Get's Lily's co-op proxy. That may sound demeaning, but there have got to be some seriously powerful folks who now have their fate in Rufus' guitar-strumming, chili-stirring hands: +4
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Lily wants to use "alone time" to confess her secrets, not engage in "rich lady and house painter" roleplay: -1, The co-op lady he is going to bang is a hot piece: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Power Play: Has a friend with a country house: +1, Worried about Serena even though they're not friends: +1
Serena Bonus: No Serena Bonus because she is Vanessa, after all. That's just as bad.
Sexual Intrigue: Dating some dude: +2, We haven't seen him, so he's either busted or imaginary: -1, Shoots down Dan: +20, Really, V? This guy bagged Serena and awesome Olivia. He also has serious man guns and you're going to say no? That's unwise: -3
Total: 20
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Money: Is so rich that he doesn't know how a vending machine works: +3
Personality Flaw: Is a lousy queen—in all senses of the word: -1
Power Play: Has a minion: +2, She's a weird little troll: -1
Serena Bonus: For having to put up with Serena for the rest of his life: +6
Social Schemes: Has a plan to take down Jenny: +3, It's kind of lame: -1, His plot gets foiled by Jenny: -1, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3, Is friends with the real queen again: +2
Total: 9
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: Her secret is getting out: -1, We have a feeling it's not so bad: 0 (just observation), Rufus still doesn't know: +1, Didn't tell Rufus when she should have: -1
Money: Her coat closet is bigger than most East Village studio apartments: +5, And that is just her closet for coats!: +2
Personality Flaw: Forgot it was the anniversary of her husband's death: -1
Power Play: Serena won't talk to her: -1, Wait, it's Serena: +2, Maureen thinks she's a skank: -1, Tries to save Chuck: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For giving birth to her: -6
WTF: At least we now know where Serena learned to be skanky and stupid: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: Manages to show major skanky cleavage while hanging in a cold country house alone. Can't someone give this girl a Snuggie?: -2, Put on her hospital gown backwards so she could show off her boobs: -1
Personality Flaw: "I want coffee and cable." Shut up, you whiny bitch. No wonder Trip left you alone: -2, As Maureen points out, she is "just a phase," like lesbianism in college: -2, Prefers Fitzgerald to Hemingway. We hate to agree with her on an intellectual matter, but: +2, Wouldn't even get a Chappaquiddick joke if we made one: -1, No one will believe her over Trip because she is a skanky crack ho and he is a U.S. Rep: -1
Power Play: Needs to turn up her tacky music: -1, Doesn't want Trip to run over some wolves because she thinks they are the wolf pack from Twilight: -2, Somehow, through all of this drama, she managed to help Chuck find his feelings: +2
Serena Bonus: For being Serena: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He boyfriend totally diddled Barney Frank to get a position on his committee: -1, Demoted from Jackie O to Marilyn: -2, Trip is totally playing her: -1, Her boyfriend leaves her for dead: -1, She turns on Trip faster than she'd inhale a line of coke off one of the tables at Marquee: +2, At least Nate still wants her: +1
WTF: She is trapped alone in a house in the woods. Why, oh why, couldn't there be a serial killer involved in this horror movie set up?: -1, She thinks she can leave Trip and catch a cab in the wilderness. You can't even catch a cab above 145th Street, what makes her think there will be little yellow life saver in this god-forsaken place? This is perhaps the stupidest thing Serena has ever said, and that is a very high bar: -5
Total: -19
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Down, down, down, down, down

Dan:
Power Play: Finds out about Serena's accident first: +2, Invites stupid Vanessa to the hospital. Does she even like Serena?: 0 (because we don't know, or care)
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Like he really needs to date another actress right now: -1, His new piece decorated her dorm room like it's the set from Clarissa Explains It All: -1, This slutty actress is serving him a piece on a silver platter and he turns it down: -1, Manages to grow a set and confesses his love for Vanessa: +2, He loves her after like a week?: -1, And it's Vanessa: -3, Vanessa doesn't want to date him. He went from bagging Serena and awesome Olivia to getting dissed by Our Lady of the Dreads: -100,000,000
Total: -100,000,000
Season to Date: -100,000,013
Power Position: He is devoid of all power

There were all sorts of crazy shifts in the power dynamic at last night's day-late and dollar-short Thanksgiving episode where original mean girl Lily hosted the strangest conglomeration of Gossip Girl characters seen outside of Blakey Lively's birthday party at Marquee. We got secrets galore, boozy grandma Cece, bad pilgrim jokes, and pregnant Dorota. Now if we only had some stuffing for Serena's mouth, we'd be all set.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Fancy holiday maid outfit: +2
Money: Gets time and a half from Lily: +1
Personality Flaw: The only baby we ever want to see on this show is hers: +3
Power Play: Is close personal friends with Tom Colicchio: +2, A war between Russian and Poland will erupt over her baby: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Fighting with Vanya: -1, Gets back with Vanya: +2
Total: 14
Season to Date: 58
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Family Secrets: Her mother is keeping a secret from her: -1
Fashion Points: Borrowed Serena's lacey leggings. Never borrow anything from Serena, unless you work on 10th Ave: -2
Power Play: Storms out of dinner: +1, She is totally lying about wanting pie: -1, Caught binging in the lobby: -3,
Social Schemes: Would rat out Dorota to the INS to get her mother's secret: -2, Tells Jenny that Eric set her up at Cotillion: +2, Loses her mommy: -1, But mommy gives her Manhattan: +1, And Dorota and the apartment all to herself: +3, Forgives Serena: -1, Tells Serena to go with Trip: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Stripes on his collar: +1, Yellow suspenders he stole from Larry King: -1
Power Play: Is now spying on people for a living, which we find strangely erotic: +1, Knows Serena is a skank: +1, Only buys the good wine that Eleanor Waldorf likes: +1
Social Schemes: Threatens to banish Serena to work in the lobby of an airport Marriott where she belongs: +3, Pissed at Nate for stealing footage from his hotel: +1, His revenge is encouraging Nate to go after Serena and get genital warts: +3
WTF: Has been nothing more than a functionary for the past three episodes: -10
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs!: +2
Power Play: Thinks Serena is a skank: +1, Doesn't have plans for Thanksgiving: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Knows threesomes are bad from the time he and Chuck crossed swords while sharing a hooker: +3, Trip blames him for his marriage breaking up: -1, Is stuck with Maureen, who is the real power player in the relationship: +2, Knows Serena is a skank and still loves her: -1, She chooses Trip over him: +2 (because now he won't get warts)
Social Schemes: Gives Maureen Serena's elevator romp tape: +3
Total: 10
Season to Date: 6
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily's secrets: +3
Fashion Points: Her dowdy blouse with the bow screams "I'm trying to not dress like a slut today": -2, Serving up a side of boobs at Thanksgiving dinner: -1, Seriously, it's a lace-front, skin-tight jumpsuit. How is that in any way appropriate for a family dinner outside of New Jersey: -2
Personality Flaw: Everyone thinks she's a skank: -1, Can't even go one whole elevator ride next to a man without trying to fuck him: -2, For as nasty as she is, she should know that elevators have cameras: -1
Power Play: Dissing family Thanksgiving for a lay from Trip: -1, Gets kicked out by Lily: -2, Storms out of dinner: +1, Is friends with Blair again: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets a politician to dump his wife for her: +2, Wises up about Trip: +3, Then decides that the call of her loins must be answered: -2
Social Schemes: Invites Nate to Thanksgiving to keep things interesting: +1
WTF: She would be a horrible first lady: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Everyone is talking about his face: +1, But it's in a bad way: -2
Quip: "Cece's heart runs on secrets and gin": +1
Sexual Intrigue: We think he's learned his lesson about threeways: +1, Everyone knows he's in love with Vanessa: -2, And for some reason, they don't hate him for it: +1, No one should have to talk you out of dating Vanessa, you should just know that's a bad idea: -3
Social Schemes: Calls Vanessa's mom so that he can get Vanessa out of his Brooklyn Pussy Den: +1, Get's Vanessa and her mom to make up and move out of his BPD: +2, Doesn't use the BPD for pussy because he's too busy pining over Vanessa's lady dreads: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Family Secrets: His baby's got a secret, ooh ooh: -1
Personality Flaw: Stop trying to feed everyone!: -2, Thinks old people know how to video chat: -2, That "Plymouth Rock" joke: -1
Power Play: Is actually friends with Vanessa's annoying mom: -1, Still name dropping members of Sonic Youth: -1, OK, jamming with Kim and Thurston is pretty rad: +3
Social Schemes: Invites CeCe to dinner, even though she is clearly not invited by Lily: -2, But when she shows up, she totally rules: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -14
Power Position: Even

Jenny:
Personality Flaw: Is shocked her Mute Gay Shadow was mean to her. Really, Jenny? You were behaving like an ass: -2
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is standing right there: -1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Actually upset that Eric is mad at her, which is kinda cute: +1
Social Schemes: Tries to get Jonathan back for Eric: +1, Fails: -2, Eric is coming for her: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Bonus: Still the ultimate mean girl: +1
Family Secrets: Did she do it with Serena's father again?: +2, Right now, we don't know her secret: +3, But Serena and Maureen found out, so it's only a matter of time: -2
Fashion Points: Doesn't know the difference between her designer coat and Maureen's H&M knockoff and puts her "secret letter" in the wrong pocket and the wrong hands: -3
Money: Paying Dorota extra, because she knows she's the best: +3
Power Play: Invites Maureen to Thanksgiving and totally ruins Serena's groove: +1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Has boozy CeCe as an ally: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Actually stops Rufus from cooking!: +3, She is lying like a fiend to Rufus: +1
Social Schemes: Lies about her mother being sick: +1 (mean, but awesome), Actually has some sound parenting advice for Serena: +1, Years of bad parenting means Serena won't listen: -2
Total: 11
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Why was she wearing Sheila E's old coat?: -1
Personality Flaw: Her mother is even more annoying than she is: +2 (for looking cool in comparison)
Power Play: Is the last one to storm out of dinner. Four other people just did it. The dramatic impact is gone: -1, Let's her mom waste $200 tickets to Hair: -1, Bonus for missing the dreamy Gavin Creel in Hair: -1 Hates her mom, loves her mom, hates her mom, loves her mom. Make it stop!: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Everyone knows Dan's in love with her except her: -1, No one tells her that Dan is in love with her: -1, Likes Dan's face: -2, But that face is attached to those massive guns: +3
Social Schemes: Crashes Dan's Brooklyn Pussy Den: +2
WTF: She is obviously more of a Rock of Ages girl than a Hair hippie: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Eric:
Family Secrets: He's the only one that doesn't know that Lily is fucking his dad again: -1
Fashion Points: We are fans of the plaid blazer: +1
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is right there: -1
Quip: "Our Thanksgivings usually end with french fries in a diner and someone having been in a mental institution": +1, Bonus for actually happening: +1
Sexual Intrigue: His boyfriend doesn't want him back: -2
Social Schemes: Blair rats him out to Jenny: -1, The best comeback he can come up with against Jenny is "Your sweet potatoes are bland": -1, It's simplicity is kind of amazing: +3, Still wants to be friends with Jenny: -1, Oh, he's only pretending so he can take her down: +3, Sets his ultimate Jenny revenge in motion: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

The only thing more sickening than Gossip Girl (the narrator, not the show) and her repeated James Frey references was the writers ruining some good story lines with bad choices. We actually liked Olivia, and now she's getting the boot so that Dan can get it on with Vanessa, Our Lady of the Dreads. And just when slutty Serena was about to bag major hottie Trip, it looks like nelly Nate is going to be the one to win the hooker's heart of gold. Disgusting. After this boring episode, nearly everyone is on the decline!

Dorota:
Power Play: Helps herself to Olivia's outlets to plug in Blair's towel warmer: +2
Total: +2
Season to Date: 44
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: Just because you wear a beret does not mean you're arty: -2
Personality Flaw: Her sexual tension radar is tuned to perfection: +1
Power Play: Wouldn't be threatened by Willow Weinstein: +1, Knows something is up between Vanessa and Olivia: +1, Gets cast as the evil, aging queen: -3, Cause it's kinda perfect: +1, Can call in favors to Lady Gaga. No wonder the art fags love her: +5
Quip: "I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys": +1
Social Schemes: Finally assuming her rightful place as queen of the Tisch art fags: +1, Uses a movie star to advance her agenda: +2, Uses the threeway to exploit Olivia and Vanessa: +2, Her machinations get Dan into his playwriting program: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Money: Has to do all sorts of menial things to impress wealthy hotel guests: -1
Personality Flaw: See's a little bit of himself in Jenny, and she's not that amazing, or bisexual: -2
Social Schemes: Saves Jenny from doing drugs: -1 (we wanna see druggie Jenny so bad!)
WTF: Has to go to the Statue of Liberty like some fat Midwestern tourist: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: A simple rule of thumb: if your earrings are bigger than your hand and uglier than sin, maybe you shouldn't wear them: -2
Power Play: Knows Bitches of Eastwick is a bad idea: +2, Her and Vanessa are living in one seriously awkward dorm room: -1, Takes the stupid witch movie anyway: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Gets her man into the cabaret: +2, Embarrasses Dan in public by telling him that he's in love with Vanessa: +2, Dan chooses her over Vanessa: +1, She doesn't want anyone who has been tainted by Vanessa's evil talons: +1
Social Schemes: Teams up with Blair: +1, Fighting over Dan. Come on, she could have anyone: -1, Uses the play to see if Dan and Vanessa are in love. This girl has read Hamlet: +2
WTF: Don't leave the show! We were just starting to like you, Lizzy McGuire: -2 (one point for each of the tears we shed)
Total: 2
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Chainlink fence necklace: -1, Her dress looked appropriate for work on top, but later we see that the skirt is up to her cooch and she's wearing brown printed hooker stockings: -3, Resists urge to wear a blue dress when playing the part of the easy political intern: +1
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know the different between love and lust: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is distracting a U.S. Rep with her ample bosom: +1, Self aware enough to know that if she is in the same room as Trip, she'll end up fucking him: +2, Tries real, real hard not to be slutty: +1, Since Trip wants to break up with his wife, her boobs are basically a boobie prize: -2, Was just waiting for the first excuse to stop being virtuous and start getting dirty: -3, Is single-handedly destroying the career of an elected official: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Boring: Doesn't want Dan to have a threeway, doesn't want Serena to slut it up, doesn't want to go see Gaga. Lame: -1
Family Secrets: His mother knows more about what is going on than he does: -2
Fashion Points: Manbangs are back: +1
Personality Flaw: He is like the Anne Landers of Gossip Girl, since when did everyone start coming to him for advice?: +2
Power Play: Serena goes to him for help: +1, Tries to persuade Serena not to fuck Trip: +2, Doesn't realize that trying to make Serena not slutty is a losing gambit: -3, What kind of gay misses a free Lady Gaga concert?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks it's nasty to have a threeway with Vanessa. Finally, someone says it: +3, Has prior sexual knowledge of Vanessa: -1, He just came out of the closet and told Serena he has a thing for "married men." Mazel!: +3, Goes back in the closet when Serena gives him a whiff of her magically potent pheromones: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: Hasn't outgrown Morrissey: -2, Is the only person who doesn't know the threeway rules: -3, No one wants to ride on his disco stick: -1, Trades Morrissey for Gaga. That is sort of like trading in being a sad bastard for being a screaming queen: 0 (just an observation)
Power Play: Blabs about threeway the first chance he gets. Bad form, dude: -2, Casts Blair as an old queen: +2, His skit is a major rip off of the Saved by the Bell "Snow White and the Seven Dorks": -3, Knows that everyone at NYU is too young and oblivious to realize it: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway confidence: +3, Has two girls fighting over his man guns: +1, His celebrity girlfriend is getting him places: +2, His celeb girlfriend leaves him for a crappy witch movie: -2, Wants to get together with Vanessa: -2, And she's interested in another guy. Burn!: -3
Social Schemes: Needs Vanessa to direct his play: -1
Total: -7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
WTF: Doesn't know what gonorrhea of the throat is. No wonder he gave it to both Courtney Love and Justine Frischmann of Elastica when on tour with Lollapalooza '96: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Bonus: She is well on her way to being a drug addict. Jenny all strung out on pills is going to be even cooler than that time when she was living under a bridge with her sewing machine: +10
Personality Flaw: Obsessed with waffles. Leggo my Eggo, Little J: -1
Power Play: Embarrassed in front of the Chapin girls: -1, Uncomfortable being the accessory to a drug deal: +1
Sexual Intrigue: No one wants to date her: -1, Scores a hot ambassador's son: +3, He's shorter than her: -1, Her man is a drug dealer: -1, No, we change our mind, having a drug dealer boyfriend is kinda rad when you're in high school: +3
Social Schemes: Chuck takes control of her life: -2, You could be in worse hands the Chuck's: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: We can't remember what she wore last night, but we're sure it was ugly: -1
Personality Flaw: Is no Julie Taymour: -2
Power Play: Things are awkward with Dan: -1, Lives in one awkward dorm room with Olivia: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Went from third wheel to number-one girl: +3, Olivia steals Dan away from their Morrissey date: -2, Fighting over Dan, of all people: -2, Gets to kiss Dan: +1, Dan chooses her: +3, She disses him for some nameless guy. Burn!: +3
Social Schemes: Does a swell job stepping into the play after Olivia runs off: +1, Is the bigger person and tries to get along with Olivia and Dan: +1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Can't seem to remember for two weeks in a row that she has a silent gay son: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is pimping out her stepdaughter. Creepy: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -35
Power Position: Down

The much-hyped threeway was really a bit of a let down on what otherwise was a rather good episode. Jenny continued on the path to being queen bitch, supreme bitch; Serena and Blair almost kissed and made up; Nate served as nothing more than a prop; and Jenny's little gay shadow Eric finally came into his own. We hate him for that.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Even as a blur, she still looks ravishing: +3
Total: +3
Season to Date: 42
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1, Purple bathrobe: -2, Black tux and red bowtie makes him look like he's wearing one of those T-shirts with a tuxedo printed on it: -2
Personality Flaw: Likes to be punished: +2 (cause we're into that)
Sexual Intrigue: His "lost weekend" with Nate is going to involve some gay ass shit: +1 (cause we're into that), Are we supposed to believe that Chuck and Nate "shared" a stripper? They totally shared each other: +2 (cause we're still into that)
Social Schemes: Orchestrates the Blair and Serena Reunion Special: +2, Cares enough to give them scotch and cookies when trapped in the elevator: +1, Tries to get them to make out: +1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Jenny gives her headband a fashion neg: -1, Her midsection is being attacked by a giant, glittery, red, leech in the shape of a bow: -2
Power Play: Doesn't want to be compared to Lance Armstrong: +1, Is still messing with Cotillion: -1, Stupid Jenny disses her: -2, Reunites with Serena, and it feels so good: +2
Quip: "This is not your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Serena that Trip is bad news, and she's right: +2
Social Schemes: Can create a queen with a dose of expensive mascara, will power, and an icy stare: +2, Steals Jenny's date: +2, Jenny foils her plan to humiliate her: -1, Turns it into a victory by admiring Jenny's maneuvers and making it known she always backed her: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 16
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: That black off the shoulder number is quite fetching: +3, Until we see how short it is: -1, Shockingly wears an appropriate outfit to work: +1
Personality Flaw: Has major daddy issues: -2
Power Play: Tells Blair that Cotillion is the only place she still matters. Burn!: +2, Reunited with Blair and it feels so good: +2, Quits two jobs in two weeks: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Trip wants to bang her and he is as hot as a bakery on the sun: +2, He must be a really crappy Congressman if he hires Serena to work for him: -1, She is totally going to fuck Trip and then his crazy wife is going to come for her: (preemptive) -2
Total: 3
Season to Date: 3
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Never dance again!: -2, V-neck fashion neg: -1, Looking bustier than ever: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks keg stands are acceptable behavior: -1
Power Play: Is single-handedly keeping a big-budget movie franchise sequel from happening: +3, Nerds hate him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, he'd be toast: -1, Misses his sister's debut: -1, But it's to have a threeway: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is telling people he had sex with Georgina. Ew: -1, Barely fights for his girlfriend when she's going to go off to be a movie star: -1, Let's Vanessa continue to constantly cock block him: -1, Until she is there for a threeway: +1, Threeway: +5, Vanessa is involved: -2, He just did it with his best friend. Awkward: -1
Total: 0
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Bonus: Against our better judgment, we like Olivia: +1
Personality Flaw: She can't study because she is stupid and they don't teach you anything in those joke schools kid stars go to on set: -2
Power Play: Won't be in Endless Knights 4: +2 (cause all good things must come to an end), Nerds love her. For a movie actress, that means huge opening weekend: +3, Holds a big-budget movie franchise hostage: +1, Has to do movie against her will: -1, The director kills the movie, not her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, Vanessa was involved: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs are gone again and his hair looks like rusty Brillo pad that has been stuck to the soap dish for two months: -2
Personality Flaw: He seems depressed. Maybe he should see a professional: (no points, just a warning)
Power Play: Let's Chuck order him around like Blair does her minions: -1, Teen girls love him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, that would be huge: +3, Still "epic": +1, But, really, it's Cotillion: -1
Sexual Intrigue: He and Chuck totally got gay on their "lost weekend": +2, Nate's biggest fantasy has been fulfilled!: +2, But he still feels the need to use some stripper as a beard: -1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
Sexual Intrigue: Is married to the horniest pre-menopausal woman in the world: +3
Social Schemes: Still doesn't understand how society works: -1
WTF: Gave his daughter the middle name "Tallulah." He was never famous enough for that: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Lady dreads!: -2
Personality Flaw: Knows all the gossip on the Endless Knights movies: -1
Power Play: Professional third wheel: -2, It leads to a threeway: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, She is involved: -2, Sleeping with your best friend is really stupid: -2, Where was your video camera for the celebrity sex tape? You could have made millions!: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Her Cotillion dress is actually really nice: +3, Tiny gloves: -1
Power Play: She's no one at Cotillion: -2, Can't dance: -2, A really hot, rich, gay dude wants to be her Cotillion escort: +3, He's gay: -1, She was so condescending to Eric when leaving Cotillion. It was awesome: +2
Quip: "You're over. And so is that headband": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Losing her virginity to Nate finally paid off: +2
Social Schemes: Can not stop the Gay Shadow Rebellion of 2009: -1, Disses Blair as her Cotillion mentor: +3 (for balls!), Embarrassed on stage by Blair and Eric: -1, Gets to walk a second time: +3, With Nate: +2, Impresses Blair with her scheming skills: +2, Try as she might, there is no way that Eric and some short, plain girl can dethrone her: +3
WTF: Oh, Jenny. You'll always be a Brooklyn nobody: -2
Total: 13
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Fashion Points: The jewels!: +2
Power Play: Running Cotillion makes her Queen Mean Girl For Life: +3, Gets a "Brooklyn girl" invited to Cotillion: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Your ex-boyfriend's coming back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey na, hey na, your ex-boyfriend's back: -2
WTF: She sees less of her kids than Jon Gosselin: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Personality Flaw: Knows he's a better person than Jenny: +2
Power Play: Finally came out of the gay shadows: +1, Gets hooked up with some short, plain girl: -1, Blair teams up with him: +4, Thinks he can dethrone Jenny: -2, His only ally now is some short, plain girl: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He totally did it at camp with the guy Jenny wants to take to Cotillion: +2, He's cute and rich: +1 (bonus), Gets dumped: -3
Social Schemes: He fucks with Jenny's date: +1, It's to "save her": -2, His plan gets foiled by some short, plain girl: -1, Effectively steals Jenny's date: +3, She beats him at his own game: -5
WTF: For years of living in the shadows: -30
Total: -33
Season to Date: -33
Power Position: Down

No doubt realizing they are being goaded (or perhaps not) the decency police haven't taken to the streets lately over Girl's debauchery. But when it comes to threesomes on the airwaves, no man is an island. According to a letter obtained by The Wrap, the decency police of the Parents Television Council have taken issue with Gossip Girl's plans to feature a teenage menage a trois in an upcoming episode. The letter, addressed to the CW network's affiliate stations reminds them they have the option to reject network programming, especially three-way-themed programming, and chillingly warns that should they carry the offending show, they will bear their share of any FCC fines that may be levied.

The letter states (their angry capitalization included):

Gossip Girl routinely depicts teenage characters engaging in promiscuous and consequence-free sexual behavior, and that's bad enough. But will you now be complicit in establishing a precedent and expectation that teenagers should engage in behaviors heretofore associated primarily with adult films? Behaviors that not only increase health risks, but which are emotionally and psychologically damaging to participants, as well? I certainly hope not, and I'm sure members of your community and parents of children who watch your network expect more of you.

May I also remind you that it is the affiliate, not the CW network, that will bear the financial burden of an FCC fine should any of the content of the November 9th episode be found to violate broadcast decency laws.

Finally, you must ask yourself, how does airing this program serve your obligation to serve the public interest? In a declaratory ruling last year, the FCC affirmed affiliates' ability to pre-empt any network programming that is "unsatisfactory or unsuitable or contrary to the public interest." The record on this is clear: contracts between networks and their affiliates may not legally prevent preemption of programming that does not meet LOCAL COMMUNITY standards.

Although the PTC has not yet seen the episode in question, they learned from an Entertainment Weekly story about the show's degenerate threesome scheming. The Wrap, however, confirmed that their fears are warrantd. Their gleeful giggling reading through the statement, CW officials confirmed, "that the Nov. 9 show will end with three characters in a tryst. Flashbacks from their menage-a-OMG will air in future episodes."

Life may well be a frolic and laughter may in fact be calling for you, but while the culture war rages on, it better be planning to keep at least six feet on floor at all times.

Last night, Nate's cousin Trip was elected the only prepubescent member of the House of Representatives ever. The only thing exciting about that is that his crazy wife made the biggest power play of the evening, setting up a fake drowning to get both Nate and his meddlesome grandfather out of their lives. Brilliant. Why couldn't Blair do something like that instead of just messing with some lousy hooker. Still, on this hour of the caviar wishes and champagne nightmares of New York's upperclass, there were plenty of shifty dynamics.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Should have known better than to let Blair parade around in that gold metalic number: -2
Power Play: Why didn't Blair turn to her when she needed a friend?: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: 39
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: This man does wonders for a pinstriped suit and a bowtie: +3, Puts the Vanderbilt campaign in a hotel suite with a picture of a girl's crotch wearing panties: -3
Personality Flaw: Knows prostitutes: -1, On second thought, we think it's pretty awesome that Chuck knows lots of hookers: +3
Power Play: Pleases the Vanderbilts: +1, Can't control anyone at his party: -2, Is getting the hostile media to like his hotel: +1, Stands by when Blair gets caked: -1
Quip: "Ladies, this is a classy party, not some sample sale at an outlet mall": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Really loves Blair: +1, Let's Blair clean the cake out of her hair by herself, not by washing it out in the tub for her Out of Africa style: -2
Total: 1
Season to Date: 23
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Extracurricular Activities: Everything about the "sneak peek" of Leighton Meester's music video—the glittery outfit, the clown makeup, the giant hair, looking like a Britney Spears rip off. Just no: -6
Fashion Points: That hideous gold dress and matching coat: -2, Apparently wears all the same clothes as a hooker: -2
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know that Brandeis is clearly a call girl or stripper name: -1
Power Play: Has no friends now that she pissed off Serena: -2, Knows the difference between friends and staff: +1, Pretends she doesn't know Vanessa: +3, Plays frenemies with Serena: +1, Calls Serena a prostitute, because, hello!: +3, Serena lets her eat cake: -4, Thinks Serena is jealous of her because she's in college and has a hot boyfriend: +1, Calls out Serena for dating a poor and having a shitty job: +3
Quip: "No one ever accused [Serena] of saying no.": +1, "He's drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week.": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Only helps get Serena's drunk mess boyfriend out of the party to help Chuck: +2, Has no friends, only Chuck: -3, Things could be worse if your only ally is a sexy, well-dressed, rich power broker: +2
Social Schemes: Thinks about remaining friends with a hooker: +1, Ditches her as soon as she finds out that the skank used her to get rich clients: +2, Seriously, Blair Waldorf should be able to outsmart a hooker named Brandeis: -4
Total: -3
Season to Date: 10
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: That tie-dyed top would be bad enough even if the draping didn't make her boobs like like warped, deflated balloons: -2,
Personality Flaw: Is the go-to girl when people like Trip want to talk about nothing of substance: -3,
Power Play: Lands on Page Six: +1, It's the big story at the top of the page: +3, But no picture: -1, Running K.C.'s errands: -1, If she's only as good as her social network, then this girl is doomed: -1, Has no come back when Blair calls her a prostitute, because it's pretty on the nose: -3, Pushes Blair in a cake!: +6, Can't tell that Blair really misses her: -1, Apologizes to Blair by pointing out all of Blair's faults: +2 (for brazenness), Can't get Blair to reconcile: -1, Quits her stupid PR job: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Her fake boyfriend Patrick is sick hot: +2, She makes him put his clothes back on: -1, More than once: -2
Social Schemes: Ruining Nate is coming back to haunt her: -1, Tries to make up with Blair like grown ups: +2, Plays frenemies with Blair: +1, Let's a barely legal congressman buy her drinks when she's underage: -2, She can use that dirt against him: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Still looks good shirtless: +3
Power Play: That "Bathroom Boy" thing is a really lame story to be embarrassed by: -2, Gets name checked on Fallon: +3, It's still only Fallon: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Why is he spending the night in Olivia's dorm when he has a Brooklyn pussy den all to himself?: -2, Lighting a bunch of candles and telling a celebrity she thinks she's nifty continues to get him laid: +4, We saw their first date, and it was them rushing off for a slice, nothing having to do with bathrooms, sweating, hand dryers, spiders, or any of that other bullshit: -3
Total: 2
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Personality Flaw: Has had publicists so long, that she's bad at being herself: -1, Enjoys Humphrey Board Game Night: -1
Power Play: Can only get on Fallon: -2, Gets Fallon to apologize: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Falls for Dan's whole "candles in the pussy den" trick. Just because there is mood lighting doesn't mean it's any less of a pussy den: -2
Social Schemes: Gets stuck hanging out with Jenny when Dan storms out of the apartment: -2
Total: -7
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Looks even shittier in his shirt with no tie and rumpled manbangs standing next to Chuck: -1
Personality Flaw: Cowardly enough to stand by and watch as Trip rescues a guy: -2
Power Play: Thinks his grandfather won't play dirty: -1, Serena goes over his head and gets invited to Trip's party: -1, Helps Trip get elected: +4, Thinks a hottie like Trip needs something other than a good headshot to get elected: -1
Social Schemes: Figures out the hero thing is a scam. That must have made his brain bleed: +2, Screws Vanessa over by sending a fake agent to buy her video footage: +3, Bonus for screwing over Vanessa: +1, Tells Vanessa not to be self righteous. God, how many times have we said that!: +2, Takes the fall for Trip: +2, Plays right into his cousin-in-law's plan: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Personality Flaw: Indulges in his board game fixation: -3, Doesn't feed anyone: +3
Total: 0
Season to Date: -10
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Is meeting someone at Cafeteria. What is she, a gay man?: -1, If she were a gay man, she would know that the far superior elmo is just up the street: -1
Power Play: Is gone so much, Dan is getting mad laid: +2 (cause that's what friends are for), Gets Vanderbilt access: +1, Sells her rescue footage: +2, But only to NY1: -2
Social Schemes: Uncovers the "hero" scam: +2, Tells Nate about it instead of acting: -2, Let's Nate fool her into selling the footage to the wrong person: -2, Exposes the whole scam: +5, Only on NY1: -1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Realizes that not everyone wants to play board games all the time. Hallelujah!: +7, Forgot that she had a little gay son again: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -37
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Looks better pale, sick, and in her bathrobe than in one of her trashy outfits: +1
Personality Flaw: Get's to play a board game: +3
Power Play: Her computer clues Dan off to "Bathroom Boy": -1, Her brother's celeb girlfriend still wants to hang with her even though she's sick and her brother storms out: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -44
Power Position: Up

Don't worry, you won't be able to miss Serena coming, not with her enormous headlights glaring at you. Yes, we mean her breasts. Speaking of chicken, who thought that Gimlet was a good idea for a club name? It sounds like a part of the chicken you don't eat. So, in case you missed the CW's Upper East Side high school soap opera, here is what the rich schemers were up to last night: Chuck and Blair reunited to open a club, Dan got laid, Rufus made KISS jack-o-lanterns, and Dorota got a footrub. This was no fun-sized episode.

Dorota:
Personality Flaw: Ticklish: -1, Is a master chess player: +2
Power Play: She may be the help, but she still gets a foot rub from the new mean girls: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Is so busy making Miss Blair happy now that B is on the outs with Chuck, that she has no time to get all Eastern European with Vanya: -4
Total: 2
Season to Date: 42
Power Position: Even

Chuck:
Fashion Points: His hotel looks awesome: +1, Purple: -1, Red and black makes for a great prohibition look: +1, Secret clubs, keys, and passwords are so last year: -1
Money: All his assets are tied up in the hotel: -1
Personality Flaw: Plays Peaches at his club: +2
Power Play: Can't get a liquor license for his club: -3, Decides it's a good idea to throw a themed Halloween party a day before the big night, leaving no one time to get good costumes or change their plans: -5, Wants to be self-reliant and not deal with Jack and Blair's meddling: +2
Sexual Intrigue: When he works hard he turns Blair on: +1, Lies to Blair about not wanting her involved in the club opening: -1, He and Blair decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2
Social Schemes: Calls the cops on his own party: +3, The party was so hot "Perez Hilton drew tears on his own face because he wasn't there." We applaud anything that makes him cry: +1
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Family Secrets: Tells Serena Chuck kissed a boy before. We want to revisit this piece of information as often as possible: +3
Fashion Points: Her blouse with the enormous bow is so ugly it's awesome: +2, Her outfit for the club opening is the best of the bunch: +1, Thinks that Soho House doesn't already "look like one of those dirty public schools with numbers on it": -2
Personality Flaw: She shows her love in a funny way: -1, Knows who Lizzie Grubman is: +1
Power Play: Invited to club opening, uninvited to club opening, invited, uninvited: -1 (because this is not the in and out she wants from Chuck), Crashes the party anyway: +2
Quip: "Tell those trick-or-treaters there is no pre-packaged joy for them here": +1,
Sexual Intrigue: Would kiss a girl to get Chuck to forgive her: +1, Chuck doesn't want her involved with his club opening: -2, She and Chuck decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2
Social Schemes: Gets Mark Ronson for Chuck's club opening: +1, Goes over Chuck's head for the liquor license: +3, Gets caught calling old lover Jack: -2, Sells out Serena's clients to save Chuck's club: +2
Total: 11
Season to Date: 13
Power Position: Up

Olivia:
Family Secrets:
Fashion Points:Leopard! Cheetara is never a good look: -2, Looks good as a flapper: +2, Would have been funnier if she went as Lizzie McGuire: -1
Personality Flaw: Says that her sex scene with Patrick is "all acting." She's not that good of an actress: -1, For some reason, we don't entirely hate her: +1
Power Play: Perez Hilton hates her. That makes us love her: +2, Can't say no to her stupid publicist who she needs to fire: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Lies about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend: -1, Everyone knows she is dating Dan: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Maroon is not your color: -1
Personality Flaw: First Serena, now Olivia, he is a professional plus one: -1
Power Play: Calls Nate out on his totally gay love of vampire movies: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Somehow a sexy vampire movie ruins his libido: -1, Is so blinded by love that he thinks Olivia is a great actress: -2, Olivia picks her creepy ex over him: -2, He gets laid: +5, She's a movie star: +2, The whole world knows about it: +3
Total: 4
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Her boobs at the party are gigantic: -1, But we are mesmerized by them and can not look away: +2, Then we notice that her sparkly dress is pretty awesome: +3, Then we notice she's wearing tiny, tiny gloves: -1
Personality Flaw: Is actually a good PR girl: 0 (because we don't know how many points this should earn)
Power Play: Ordered around by her bitchy boss: -2, Scores Chuck as a client: +3, Apparently has Condé Nast contacts: +2, They probably got laid off: -1, Saves her job once: +2, Saves her job twice: +1, Saves her job a third time: 0 (because if you almost lose your job three times in one day, you are beyond hope)
Sexual Intrigue: She is now dating a movie star: +2, She only did it to save her job: -1
Social Schemes: Convinces Olivia to ditch Dan for the premiere: +2, Chuck and Blair sick the paparazzi on her clients to save Chuck's club: -2, Uses it to get them publicity and save her job: +3, Hates Blair and Nate now. Who is she gonna hang with? Vanessa?: -1
WTF: Doesn't know who Mark Hamill is: -2, Gets to touch James Franco's underwear: +5, But before he's been in them: -1
Total: 12
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Fashion Points: KISS jack-o-lanterns!: +3, His Ramone costume is pretty dead on: +2, Thinks a Lady Gaga costume is a good idea: -1
Personality Flaw: Knows the difference between Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift: +1, Can't control his own daughter: -3
Power Play: Wants to stay home and pass out candy to little kids: -1
Social Schemes: Isn't fooled by Lily's scheme to hire fake trick-or-treaters, but pretends to so he can stay home and make her his punk rock Sheila: +2
Total: 3
Season to Date: -10
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Fashion Points: Hallelujah! His man bangs are back: +4, His Halloween costume doesn't come anywhere close to fitting: -2
Personality Flaw: Owns Olivia's vampire trilogy: -1, Visits blogs about it: -2
Power Play: Gets called out by Dan for being a big vampire lover: -1, Disses Serena for being a stupid PR girl: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Finally fulfills his fantasy of sitting close on a couch with Dan watching vampire movies: +3, Doesn't know what a female orgasm looks like: -2
Total: 0
Season to Date: -16
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Wherever she was, she was probably wearing something ugly: -2
WTF: This is a Vanessa-free zone: +22
Total: 20
Season to Date: -27
Power Position: Way up

Lily:
Money: Gives away all Rufus' candy to poor Lithuanian children: +2
Personality Flaw: Is obsessed with hanging out with 18 year olds: -3
Power Play: Is actually concerned about the well being of the high schoolers that live in her house: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Likes Rufus shirtless in eyeliner. Ew: -1, Hires fake trick or treaters to make Rufus happy: +2, Gets a little something-something for her efforts: +2
Social Schemes: Makes Jenny face the mean girls: +2, When she was schooling Jenny, we realized that Lily is the ultimate mean girl and probably has her name engraved on the Met steps. For all the shit she pulled in the past, she retroactively gets: +10
Total: 18
Season to Date: -42
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Doesn't want to get rid of her ugly old clothes: -2, Threatens her minions with wearing a Real Housewives costume if they don't behave. She's been listening: +4, Eyeliner+Tie+Oversized T-Shirt+Fishnets=Horrible: -2, Pork pie hat: -1, Her gay shadow looks ridiculous too, and that is a bad reflection on her: -1
Personality Flaw: Lets her mute gay shadow have an actual storyline: -3, Is a cold-hearted snake, look into her eyes. Uh oh, she's been telling lies: +4 (because we love that song)
Power Play: Kicks the gays off the steps: +2, Just in case that is homophobic: -1, Squelches the Great Gay Rebellion of 2009: +2, Has to listen to ultimate mean girl Lily: -1
Social Schemes: Has the mean girls wrapped around her finger: +3, Comes up with a way to go to the party and keep her street cred: +2, Egging that gay was mean: -1, But it shows her power: +3
WTF: Haven't we seen the "Jenny becomes a mean girl, and then feels bad about it and hates her sewing machine and runs away from home" storyline before?: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -49
Power Position: Up

Aside from Chuck kissing a guy, last night's episode was pretty whack. There was way too much Vanessa. Remember when she was just some weird little girl who worked in a gallery and we would only see her when Dan used to whine about how rich Serena is. Ah, those were the days! Along with all that Vanessa, the other atrocity is that everyone is wearing purple and asymmetrical tops. It's like the lavender version of the swine flu.

Dorota:
Power Play: Even though she is not there to serve her Miss Blair in person, she uses her faithful servant as a way out a tight spot with Chuck: +3
Total: 3
Season to Date: 40
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -2, His haircut is very nice: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Consoles Blair after her nightmare: +1, Doesn't even hesitate for a second to go gay to please his girlfriend: +2, Kisses a guy: +4, Admits that he has kissed a guy before: +10, It was probably Nate that time they took E in Ibiza, which doesn't really count: -5, Disses Blair for being a schemer: +1, Really doesn't want to dump her, but does on principle. Moral high ground is not a place Chuck should be visiting: -3
Social Schemes: Lets Blair use his burgeoning bisexuality for her little reindeer games: -2
Total: 7
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1
Personality Flaw: Way too excited to meet Dan's parents: -1, Gives good gifts: +1
Power Play: Acts like an ass in front of Lily and Rufus: -2, They forgive her and invite her over for breakfast: +2, She's so important, they don't let Eric out of his room to come have breakfast because they don't want to be embarrassed: +2
Social Schemes: Takes toast away from Blair and Vanessa without even trying: +3, Let's Vanessa convince her that Dan doesn't want her to meet his parents, twice: -2, Cancels the speech to have Dan's "special chicken": -1, Gets to give the speech without even asking for it back: +5
Total: 6
Season to Date: 2
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Great grey dress at the parents' dinner: +1
Personality Flaw: Is nice to Vanessa. Boo!: -3
Power Play: Has nightmares about Vanessa. So do we: +1, Has the new mean girls firmly in check: +2, Treats her minions like crap and reassigns their pecking order: +1, Adding insult to injury, she gets lessons on taste from Lily!: -2
Quip: "Get out, you cable knit queen": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Convinces her man to go gay: +3, It's a little too easy: -1, Pisses off Chuck by using him in her scheme and not trusting him: -5, Grovels to get Chuck back: -1
Social Schemes: Can't convince Josh to give her the toast: -1, Tells V she doesn't get to give the toast and then starts her plan to get it back: +2, After Chuck kisses a guy (and we like it!) she gets the toast: +2, Loses the toast and her man because of Vanessa. Vanessa!: -4,
Total: -4
Season to Date: 2
Power Position: Down

Carter:
Money: Is a poor: -2, But somehow manages to still have a towncar: +1
Power Play: Again, people are ordering him around. This time to an oil rig: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Gets saved by Serena: -2, Walks away from Serena: +3 (because she's stupid and silly and he's better off without her), Walks away from Serena: -4 (because she has money and saved his ass)
Total: -7
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Family Secrets: "People like you more when they meet your family." Considering his family is a washed up rock star, an annoying runway with bad eye makeup, a stupid slutty heiress, an invisible mute gay kid, and his evil billionaire step mother, that says a lot about Dan: -4
Personality Flaw: Needs to get compliments from a watch: -1, Can't cook: -2
Power Play: Gets his Brooklyn pussy pad all to himself when Rufus moves out: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Can't keep his girlfriend from being annoying in front of his parents: -1, Has breakfast with his girlfriend at Lily and Rufus' rather than in his Brooklyn pussy pad: -1
Social Schemes: Falls for Vanessa's ruse and invites Olivia for dinner so Vanessa can give a speech: -2, Forgives Vanessa when he finds out: -2
Total: -11
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Vanessa wants to be his daughter: -2
Personality Flaw: He is always feeding everyone! They're not going to be able to fit in their ugly purple dresses: -4
Power Play: Puts up with Vanessa's annoying mom: +2, Is nice enough to pretend like Olivia wasn't being a stupid jerk: +2, Keeps his Welcome Back, Kotter mugs: +3
Total: 1
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Please, give the kid back his manbangs. His real hairline is not natural: -2
Personality Flaw: Knows Serena well enough to know that she is so stupid she will think she can win at poker and is also stupid enough that she won't: +4
Power Play: Helps on his cousin's campaign: +1, Doesn't realize his cousin is probably too young to run in the first place: -1
Social Schemes: Sets up the whole Serena/poker/Carter/Buckley/oil rig nonsense: +3, Intentionally plants the fake picture to win the election: +2, In the end, he gets outsmarted by Serena: -3
Total: 4
Season to Date: -16
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1, Is determined to have her lady flower hang out of every outfit she wears the entire episode: -3, The poker trend was like three years ago: -1
Personality Flaw: Stupid enough to think she can win at poker: -2, Goes all in on a pair of kings!: -3, Just for being a skank: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Is the only person who can save Carter: +2, Saves Carter at the expense of Nate: +3 (because Nate sucks), Loses Carter basically because she is stupid: -1, He's a poor: +2
Social Schemes: Catches Nate with his fake photo: +2, Stops the pictures from coming out by going to the Buckleys with the fake photo: +4
Total: 1
Season to Date: -18
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Family Secrets: Even her parents don't like her: -3, Her mom catches her talking shit about her: -2
Fashion Points: Everything about the dress she wears to the parent's dinner: -3
Personality Flaw: Feels bad for breaking up Chuck and Blair: -1 (for weakness)
Power Play: Gets a write up in the paper: +2, Gives Dan a Moroccan Chicken recipe: +2, Makes an unlikely alliance with Blair: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Lets Blair boss her around: -1
Social Schemes: Gets to give the speech, has it taken away, gets to give the speech, has it taken away: 0 (because they all negate each other), Lies to Dan to get him to cook "special chicken" for Olivia so she can give the speech: +2, Lies to Olivia to get her not to come to the parents' dinner so she can give the speech: +2, Brilliant ruse with the live microphone to expose Blair: +6, Still loses the speech to Oliva: -2
Total: 3
Season to Date: -47
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Fashion Points: She managed to wear nothing horrible, but with seven seconds of combined screen time, that's not much of a feat: +1
Power Play: Has caught a severe case of insignificance from her mute gay shadow: -4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -56
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1
Power Play: Is sweet enough to lie and say Olivia's dress is nice: +2, Gets to tell Blair that she messed up. It's not everyone who is powerful enough to put B in her place: +4, Is nice enough to pretend that Olivia wasn't stupid: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Lets Rufus keep his Welcome Back, Kotter mugs, because she secretly thinks they're cooler than that stupid Prada sign she has hanging in her living room: +3
Total: 10
Season to Date: -60
Power Position: Up

Last night was an action packed and funny episode that not only marked a wedding, but a virtual birth, when Scott was welcomed into his new family. We all died a little when a desperate Georgina returned as a campy villainous rather than a deadly destroyer. I didn't think it was possible to love her anymore. There were also some break ups, some make ups, and some serious "Star Power."

Dorota
Fashion Points: We see her out of uniform: +1, She wore that horrible hat to the wedding: -4, But wears her hair down: +1, Cute babushka: +2
Personality Flaw: Makes famous pancakes: +3, Her years in Poland made her a master spy: +2
Power Play: Apparently used to work for Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore and can get them to do favors for her at the drop of a hat—a really ugly blue hat: +4
Total: 9
Season to Date: 37
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Family Secrets: Gets the dirt on Carter from Brie: +2
Fashion Points: More purple: -1, The only one to wear a shirt and tie to the wedding: +3
Personality Flaw: Knows how to give a Chang Mai massage: +4
Power Play: Is wrong to back Brie against Carter: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Has to apologize for Blair's rudeness to Brie: -1, Fighting with Blair of Brie/Carter: -2
Social Schemes: Makes an ally of Brie: +1, Tries to send Carter away for the 7 millionth time: +3, Gives him an actual physical plane ticket like they still exists: -1, Spared the humiliation of his plan against Carter failing by telling Serena that Carter isn't such a bad guy after all: +2
Total: 8
Season to Date: 15
Power Position: Even

Georgina:
Family Secrets: Spills the beans about Scott with the bluntness of the scissors Jenny uses to cut her hair: +3
Fashion Points: Asymmetrically ruffled dress at the wedding: +1
Personality Flaw: Still eats the wedding cake: +3
Power Play: Shows up at the wedding uninvited: +1, Leaves town: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Has it so bad for Dan that she's sending him animated ecards: -3, Gets fooled by Dan, of all people, into thinking he likes her: -2, She wants to bone him so bad she can barely think straight: -1,
Social Schemes: Uses the dirt about Scott against Vanessa: +2, Engineers the "Olivia is dating Orlando Bloom" scheme: +3, Is an awesome Cyrano de Bergerac: +1, Figures out Dan is lying to her in about 7 seconds: +2, Gets fooled by a fake prince: -3
Total: 2
Season to Date: 10
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Family Secrets: Gets the truth about Scott out of Vanessa: +2, Doesn't say anything until after the wedding: -1, Georgina breaks the story first: -1
Fashion Points: No tie at the wedding: -1
Money: Got Julia Allison to send him one of those Sony Vaios she's been hawking on the internet: +2
Personality Flaw: Catches Vanessa plotting against him and believes that she is in love with him. What ego! But since women keep landing at his feet, it's an understandable delusion: -1
Power Play: Has to deal with is dad living in his Brooklyn pussy den: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Totally over Georgina: +2, His new love Olivia is in Japan: -1
Social Schemes: Has seen the Parent Trap, and likes its tactics: +2, Fools Georgina into thinking he's into her to shut her up: +2, She figures him out in about 7 seconds: -2
Total: 0
Season to Date: 4
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: That green and brown dress she wears to the wedding that looks like a pool of Ent vomit: -3
Power Play: Hates Brie: +2 (cause so do we), Turns out she's right that Carter rules and Brie drools: +2, Has enough pull at the mayor's office to get the Botanical Gardens on a whim: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck loves her enough to tolerate her blatant bitchiness: +1, Can't get her man to finish her massage: -2, Fighting with Chuck over Brie/Carter: -2
Social Schemes: Has her minions plan and awesome wedding for Lily and Rufus in an afternoon: +3, Sends a fake prince to whisk Georgina out of town: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 2
Power Position: Up

Carter:
Family Secrets: His secret about bedding Brie's cousin to escape gambling debts and then jilting her is pretty lame: -3
Fashion Points: No tie at the wedding: -1
Money: Is a poor: -3
Power Play: Blair has got his back and lets him move into her house: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Serena the truth: +4, She wigs out about it: -3, Wants Serena so bad that he faces the thugs at the wedding to be with her: -1 (because Serena is not worth getting beaten up over)
Social Schemes: Let's all the people on this show decide where he lives and when he leaves town: -2, Finally won't take it anymore: +4, Standing up to Chuck Bass takes some major balls: +2
Total: 0
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Even

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Finds out his son is alive: +3, The son is Scott: -1
Fashion Points: Thinks he is Johnny Cash and wears all black to the wedding: -2
Money: He married Lily, which is like winning the Set For Life scratch off ticket grand prize: +3
Personality Flaw: Is ghetto, especially when compared to Lily: -1, Has read Gift of the Magi one too many times: -1, Thinks love can fix things: -1
Power Play: Hiding out in Brooklyn: -1, Gets a Sonic Youth montage all his own: +3, Lets everyone else plan his wedding: +3, Kim Fucking Gordon marries him: +10, Everyone in the family loves Scott: +2
Social Schemes: Falls for the Parent Trap bit: -2
Total: 15
Season to Date: -14
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: What is that horrible purple print thing?: -3, Wonderful dress for the wedding: +2, Still manages to make it look slutty: -1
Money: Is in love with a poor: -1, Is still working (in PR!) and doesn't have any cash: -1
Personality Flaw: Actually says, "I'm a genius," which proves that she is so stupid she thinks she's brilliant, which is kind of like smoking so much pot that you feel like you're sober: -4
Power Play: Gets Blair to lend her the "new mean girls" for an afternoon: +3, Remembers all the vows from all her mother's weddings: +1, Loves her new, extended family: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Carter loves her so much he's willing to be exposed so that he can keep staring at her boobs: +2, Gets pissed at Carter when he tells her the truth: -1 (cause what he did was shitty, but at least he was honest), Then she feels bad and wants him back: -1
Social Schemes: Has seen the Parent Trap and likes its tactics: +2
Total: 0
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Fashion Points: No tie at the wedding: -1, For multiple not-wearing-a tie-when-one-is-socially-appropriate offenses: -2
Personality Flaw: Gets dissed for being a Vanderbilt: -1, Um, he's still a Vanderbilt: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Just sits there and lets Blair fuck with his girlfriend: -2, Finally dumps that skank Brie: +5
Social Schemes: Gets used by Brie so she can get to Carter: -3
Total: -1
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Down

Scott:
Family Secrets: Georgina lets the cat out of the bag before he can: -3
Fashion Points: Wears a tie to the wedding: +1, But no jacket: -2, And Georgina had to buy him the tie: -1
Personality Flaw: He wants to be Lily and Rufus' kid so bad: -2 (because look how that turned out for Dan, Jenny, Serena, and the Silent Gay), Is it just us, or does he seem kind of like Rain Man?: -1
Power Play: The first time he meets Lily, she yells at him: -2, Everyone in the family loves him: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Vanessa still wants it bad: +3, He doesn't even see her: +1 (because it's Vanessa)
Social Schemes: Gets carted around by Georgina like a breathing handbag full of dirty secrets: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -30
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Family Secrets: Tells Dan Scott's secret: -2, Multiple I-can't-keep-my-fucking-mouth-shut offenses: -2, Wisely tells Dan to keep the secret until after the wedding: +3, How is Vanessa going to tell someone to keep their mouth shut: -4
Fashion Points: Dresses like Jana of the Jungle: -4, But Jana is pretty rad: +3, The return of the lady dread situation: -1
Power Play: Gets to set Georgina straight about Dan: +2, Doesn't even get invited to the wedding: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Goes out of her way to lie to her best friend for her man Scott and doesn't even get laid: -3
Social Schemes: Falls into Georgina's web: -2, Is awesome on the phone with Dan: +4
Total: -9
Season to Date: -50
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Makes Lily's dress and it's not horrible: +1
Personality Flaw: Has an unhealthy obsession with board games: -3
Power Play: Lets her silent gay shadow speak multiple times:-2, Convinces Dan that Olivia is cool: +2
Social Schemes: Has seen the Parent Trap and likes its tactics: +2
Total: 0
Season to Date: -53
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Fashion Points: A Bedazzled parasite has attached itself to her shoulder and will not let go: -2, Ruins Jenny's decent dress with hideous earrings: -1
Personality Flaw: Has read Gift of the Magi one too many times: -1, She is totally unoriginal and can't come up with some vows: -2, Yells at her kid the first time she sees him: 0 (because she treats all her kids like shit, so it's standard)
Power Play: Still won't forgive Serena for not going to Brown: +3, Gets a Sonic Youth montage all her own: +3, Kim Fucking Gordon marries her: +10, Tells Serena that it's OK she didn't go to Brown: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Picks a fight with Rufus for no apparent reason: -2, Almost lets her need for a fancy wedding ruin her relationship: -1, Is the only one who has figured out that she and Rufus are totally incompatible: +4, Marries him anyway: -5
Social Schemes: Falls for the Parent Trap bit: -2, Gets Scott to stay in town: +3, Does it with some stupid, sappy speech about how much she loves him: -1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -70
Power Position: Up

However, in the high-stakes act-off between Tyra and Blake Lively, I think Tyra actually won. That's kind of like being the world's chastest hooker, but as long as you're not in last place, you're not fairing too shabby. Too bad there were plenty of people on the bottom last night as we saw everyone grabbing for a little bit of control. Except Dorota. She's got everything in check.

Dorota:
Power Play: Tells Blair that it's silly to mess with the Constance girls: +3, Can throw a hell of a slumber party: +2, Waters down the martinis: -1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 28
Power Position: Down

Georgina:
Power Play: Didn't make one appearance all episode: -20, Still manages to loom over everything ominously like an evil specter in heels: +5
Total: -15
Season to Date: 8
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Only Chuck Bass could pull off a white tux: +3
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to himself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Is concerning himself with high school politics: -1
Quip: "What do you espect from a place where men wear sandals": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Blair know that the best thing about her is that she is dating him: +2
Social Schemes: Convinces Jenny to grab the power: +2, His "bring Jenny to the premiere" gambit totally works: +3, The "hire the paps to photo Blair" gambit is also a rousing success: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: 7
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: His pop cultural stupidity pays off for a change: +1
Power Play: Only gets invited to the premiere because of stupid Vanessa: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Picks up a hot girl on the street: +2, Is too stupid to know that she is a big Hollywood star. Put down the Milan Kundera and pick up an Us Weekly, Dan: -2, Gets dumped by the star for being just too damn awesome: -1, Has his second fancy girlfriend without even trying: +4
Total: 2
Season to Date: 4
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to herself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Wanders into a He-Man lover's support group: -1, Won't go to a movie premiere because she's having a sleep over: -3, Still gets into the premiere when she deigns to go, and doesn't even need an invite: +1, "They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf": +1 (consolation point), Gets her picture taken by the paps: +1, Chuck set it up: -2, Her confidence is back so watch out, world: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck cares enough to scheme against her: +1
Social Schemes: Has to go back to Constance to feel powerful. Sad: -4, Unseats Jenny Humphrey as Queen with the wave of a wand: Even, Finally gets herself some NYU minions: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: Wears a fedora and a retro T-shirt in public during the day. She can afford a publicist, but doesn't have a stylist?: -2, No, she must not, because someone let her wear that dress to the premiere: -3
Personality Flaw: Has landed face down in the Gossip Girl swamp. She bumps into Dan twice, rooms with Vanessa, and sits next to Serena at lunch all in the same afternoon. What are the odds?!: -3, Her trying to be Kate and Olivia reminds us of Jem and Jerrica: +2, It also reminds us of how much Dan looks like Jerrica's boyfriend Rio, and that makes us laugh: +2
Power Play: The only friend she has to talk to is stupid Vanessa: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Dan woo her: -1, Dumps Dan: +2, Goes back to Dan because he thinks she's "normal": Even (Dan is looking pretty good these days)
WTF: How is this girl famous, she can't even do a good German accent!: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Even

Nate:
Personality Flaw: He saw the fake Twilight movies Olivia starred in: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Where is his girlfriend?: -1
Social Schemes: Convinces Dan to go after famous Olivia, because he thinks it's funny that Dan doesn't know that she's Hilary Duff and, like, super famous: +2, That "Oh, man" face he made after Dan walks away was the best bit of acting that Chace Crawford has ever done: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: +1 (for honesty), Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: -2 (for stupidity), Lies to Ursula to save her job: +1
Personality Flaw: Is so stupid that she can't even be a PR girl for a day. Isn't their jobs to sit in packs of five while one does all the work and the other four furiously check their Blackberries?: -3, Believes she got the job because "someone believes in her." Yeah right, someone believes in her like an amputee believes his arm is still there: -2
Power Play: Gets a glowing recommendation from Anna Wintour: +10, It still can't get her a job with Tory Burch, Marchesa, or the APF: -5, Finally gets a job: +1, It's in publicity. Ew: -4, Has a big movie star best friend: +2
Sexual Intrigue: What happened to Carter?: -1 (because we don't like him that much)
Social Schemes: Finds Ursula's ring: +1, Gets played by her new mean boss: -2, Somehow manages to know what she's talking about when she advises Ursula: +5, Still gets fired—and from being a PR girl: -4,
Total: -2
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Even

Scott:
Family Secrets: You only told your secret last week, and already nearly everyone has forgotten about you: -2, Georgina knows your secret and she is going to fuck you up: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Vanessa still wants it: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Even

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Is he going to bother to tell Lily that their spawn had a stalker adoptive brother?: -2
Personality Flaw: Has not only forgotten about his gothy daughter, but also his new fake son: -3, He and his billionaire wife only seem capable of attending social events that revolve around the lives of 18 year olds: -3, Lily blames Serena's antics on Rufus' horrible parenting skills: -2
Power Play: Makes fun of Lily with Serena: +2, Helps Serena make bad decisions: -1,
Total: -9
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Now that you have a famous roommate the paps will be watching you, so no more wearing horrible hanky top things: -3, Or that dress you wore to the premiere: -1
Power Play: Gets a famous roommate: +2, Gets to take Dan to a fancy event for a change: +2, Her new famous roommate only has her to confide in: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Forgives crazy psycho Scott: -2, Then he goes and disses her to take a call from Georgina: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -41
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Says no to the ugly mirror-encrusted Lady Gaga reject headband of power: +2, Spawned a million raccoon-eyed dopplegangers: -3, Cute shoes at the premiere: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks she can change the world. Oh, poor naive Jenny: -3, Lets her mute gay sidekick actually speak: -1
Power Play: Finally accepts that she is the new mean girl and gets her minions to buy her free yogurt: +4
Social Schemes: Disbands the mean girls: +2, They get Blair to unseat her: -3, Teams up with Chuck to get Blair: +1, Chuck's plot to get Blair wouldn't work without her: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -53
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: No one bothers to tell her about her child's fake evil brother that is really her devil spawn: -3
Fashion Points: She's back, and you can't even tell she had work done: +5, Is wearing a floral print metallic top just like Blair's from last episode. No good being one step behind: -1
Personality Flaw: Can not get Serena to go to Brown no matter what she does: -4, Doesn't even say hello to her mute gay son when she returns home from "visiting grandma": -3
Total: -6
Season to Date: -73
Power Position: Up

Ursula:
Fashion Points: Other than that mascara on her face, she doesn't look horrible crying in a bathroom and that is hard to pull off: +3
Personality Flaw: Trusts stupid Serena to do something other than pout, make bad decisions, and go to parties: -30, Goes through an entire episode of Gossip Girl without using the exposure to vainly attempted to make her neologism "smize" (you know, smile with your eyes) happen: -50
Power Play: Talks to Serena on the couch like she talks to the contestants on America's Next Top Model: +2, Gets the best work she's ever done cut from the movie: -4
Quip: "You know you have surrounded me with amateurs," you mean like the producers of GG did by hiring you to act, Tyra?: -3
Social Schemes: Figures out that her mean publicist is lying to her: +2, Gets Serena her job back: +5, It's still a PR job: -4
Bonus: Just for being crazy enough to try to act on Gossip Girl and letting everyone pick on you: +1
Total: -78
Season to Date: -78
Power Position: Down

It was really just a lame excuse to get all the characters in the same room so that "Scott" could fess up about his identity with another lie, Serena could diss old enemy Georgina, Chuck and Blair could make up, and Vanessa could wear another heinous outfit out in public. Really, V, it's actually getting a little bit boring talking about your shitty style. Maybe if you stopped shopping at the sales rack at Urban Outfitters you might get a little more clout with your fancy friends.

Dorota
Sexual Intrigue: Her washing skills help Blair have sloppy sex: +20
Social Schemes: Her "counter intelligence isn't what it used to be": -5
Total: 15
Season to Date: 24
Power Position: Up

Georgina
Family Secrets: Figures out "Scott" is playing everyone in about three seconds: +2, Finds the real "Scott" in about 2 seconds because, well, this isn't Georgina's first time at the rodeo: +5, Overhears "Scott's" secret: +6
Sexual Intrigue: Gets majorly cock blocked by Blair: -2, Is all up in Dan's grill: -3, Dan disses her hardcore: -3
Fashion Points: Everything about her auction outfit: -3
Social Schemes: Made up Blair's little social club and the restaurateur wanting the painting to make Chuck and Blair feud: +6, It almost works: +1, In the end, Serena foils her brilliant plot: -4
Power Play: Keeps Vanessa from telling Dan the secret about "Scott": +1, Somehow wrangles her way into the auction: +1, Now that she has been spurned by Dan and knows what's up with "Scott" she is going to start some serious shit: +2
Personality Flaw: Really, G, do you want to waste your formidable scheming talents on Dan?: -6
Total: 3
Season to Date: 23
Power Position: Down

Dan
Family Secrets: Figures out "Scott" is his crazy stalker: +1, Had no clue he's really his brother: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Doesn't want anyone to know he's schtupping Georgina: +2, Tells Georgina he doesn't want to go steady, but still gets roped into hanging out with her: -1, Puts the ice on his "thing" with Georgina when Serena jogs his memory and reminds him that she is a crazy psycho: +4, She is going to go crazy on you like a Heart song: -2
Fashion Points: Shirtless!: +5
Power Play: Warns Vanessa that "Scott" isn't who he seems: +2, Duh, she already knows: -3
Personality Flaw: Still cares about Vanessa, -3
Total: 3
Season to Date: 2
Power Position: Up

Blair
Family Secrets:
Sexual Intrigue: Hasn't gotten laid in 5 days: -1, Gives Chuck the painting so she can get laid: -2
Fashion Points: That yellow ruffley thing: -1, The fierce blue trench coat: +3, The ugly undies underneath: -4, Changes back into the ugly yellow ruffles: -2, Metallic print dress: +4, Strange braid configuration: -3, Again with the ruffles: -1
Social Schemes: Totally fucks with Serena and Carter because she doesn't like him: +4, Steals Chucks Bottega Veneta shoes: +6, Lost photo to Serena: -2, Gets caught out for fucking with Carter: -2,
Power Play: Stops Dan and Georgina from consummating their evil lust: +1
Total: 0
Season to Date: -1
Power Position: Up

Chuck
Sexual Intrigue: Hasn't had sex with Blair in five days: -1, Uses sex to distract Blair from the auction: +4, Blair gives up the painting so he'll give it up: +2, Finally does it with Blair: +2
Fashion Points: Yellow suspenders: +1, More purple: -1
Social Schemes: Lets some nameless little girl school him when he goes for a meeting: -2, Loses photo to Serena: -2, Totally fucked with Carter: +4, Get caught out for it: -2, Got played by Georgina: -3, Get's that stupid bitch that played him fired: +5
Money: Sells all his stocks to buy a hotel: 0 (pending SEC investigation)
Total: 1
Season to Date: -3
Power Position: Up

Serena
Sexual Intrigue: Can't believe that her man isn't a cheating, partying asshole: -1, Feels bad when she finds out it was all a ploy by Chuck and Blair: -2, Oh, snap! Her boy got secrets: -1
Fashion Points: What the hell was that atrocious maroon boob divider?: -3, Apparently had a bejeweled vest made out of discarded Pier 1 place mats: -2
Social Schemes: Steals the photo from Chuck and Blair: +6, Figures out Georgina's plot to embarrass Chuck and Blair: +4, Let's Dan know that Georgina is still as crazy as when she invented an alter ego to try to get in his pants the first time: +3, Let's Chuck and Blair fool her into thinking her man is scum: -2
Power Play: Still manages to shame Dan for sleeping with Georgina: +1, Blair lets her feelings about Carter be known: -1, Lets Chuck and Blair know what she did last summer: +1
Money: All her fancy credit cards make Carter feel poor: -2
Personality Flaw: Somehow hanging out with Carter makes her even dumber, -3
Total: -2
Season to Date: -17
Power Position: Up

Nate
Sexual Intrigue: Takes his naughty affair with Brie Buckley public: +5, Oh snap, the girl has got secrets!: -15
Fashion Points: His manbangs still have not recovered from their recent mauling: -5
Total: -15
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Down

Rufus
Family Secrets: Finds out "Scott" isn't who he says he is: +2, Gets fed another lie: -4, He believes it: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Lily isn't even around and he's still doing her bidding at the auction: -3
Fashion Points: Repeated hair system offenses: -2
Power Play: Is letting crazy "Scott" into his life: -3
Personality Flaw: Remember that other little thing you spawned, the one with the bad bangs and the eyeliner? Yeah, we didn't think so: -4
Total: -15
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Down

"Scott"
Family Secrets: Gets caught out by stupid Vanessa: -3, Finds out his parents lied to Lily and Rufus: +2, Tells Rufus he's been lying: -4, Does it with another lie: +5, Georgina knows the truth and she does not play around: -10
Social Schemes: His plan to tell Rufus is spoiled by his mom: -2, Georgina and Dan figure him out in about 9 seconds: -2
Power Play: Is making inroads into Rufus' life: +3
Personality Flaw: He trusts self-righteous lady dread queen Vanessa with his secret?: -4, Is shaping up to be a rather bland villain/psycho: -1
Total: -16
Season to Date: -21
Power Position: Down

Vanessa
Family Secrets: Discovers "Scott" is lying: +3, "Scott" tells her his secret: +5, You know that she will never keep a secret: -3, Tells the secrets as soon as she can get Dan to that lame coffee shop set they keep using: -3
Sexual Intrigue: "Scott" is still lying to her: -4
Fashion Points: Wear's a maxi dress to Southeby's. A maxi dress: -4
Power Play: Is all judgey about Dan and Georgina: -1, Lets Georgina find out about "Scott's" secret because she has a big ol' mouth: -4
Total: -15
Season to Date: -37
Power Position: Down

Jenny
Family Secrets: Doesn't seem to care about this "Scott" character: -2
Fashion Points: This girl wants to go into fashion but is wearing a multi-colored heart print: -5
Power Play: Made an appearance with her mute gay shadow: +5, They were then locked in a broom closet at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre while trying to get naked pictures of Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig in their dressing rooms. They miss the rest of the episode: -20
Total: -22
Season to Date: -53
Power Position: Down

Lily
Family Secrets: Everyone is meeting the crazy she gave up for adoption except her: -5
Power Play: Has a photo up for auction, but people would rather bid on some stupid Patrick McMullan party pic: -20
Personality Flaw: Continues a long pattern of neglect by not caring about Serena and that little gay one who we have barely seen: -10
Total: -35
Season to Date: -67
Power Position: Down

Who ever thought that Queen Bee Blair wouldn't be able to get the Kansas transplants and NYU freshmen under her spell in no time flat? And who thought that Dan Humphrey would become the big man on campus? And who thought that Serena would drop out of school before she even went to the first day of classes? Knowing how stupid Serena is, you could actually see that one coming, but the rest of the action was a shock, including the return of the most powerful woman on the UES. No, not Georgina—Dorota!

1. Georgina:
Personality Flaw: Lost Jesus: +3
Social Schemes: Her plan to destroy Blair by being her roommate is working: +4, Ruins Blair's sushi party: +4, Shakes Blair's confidence by calling her a "loser who won't fit in": +2,
Fashion Points: Wants to hang up a tacky dorm room tapestry: -4, Is doing it ironically to annoy the hell out of Blair: +8, For some reason is dressing like her parents lowered the limit on her credit card and she can only afford Forever 21 and sale items at Anthropologie: -5, Is buying The Prince in the bookstore: +1
Power Play: Tells Dan he's being used by Blair: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Has her claws into BMOC Dan's massive manarms: +6
Total: 20
Season to Date: 20
Power Position: Up

2. Dan:
Power Play: Disses Georgina in the bookstore: +2, Is the hit of the NYU literary crowd: +3
Personality Flaw: Apologizes to Vanessa, even though she was a total bitch to him: -1, Apologizes so Georgina for dissing her in the bookstore even though the last time they met she lied to him to get back at Serena: -2
Fashion Points: Still eats Eggos: -1, Serves Serena Eggos: -2, Covers up his glorious new man arms all episode: -1, Takes Blair's headband: +3
Social Schemes: Has Blair's social fate in his hands: +2, Ruins Blair's plan to ruin Georgina's party: +10, Does so in the spirit of social equality: -1, Makes a conscious effort to be on top of the social heap: +6
Sexual Intrigue: Falls into Georgina's honey trap: -5
Total: 13
Season to Date: 14
Power Position: Up

3. Dorota:
Power Play: Wasn't fired now that Blair's in college: +4, Knows how to put a restraining order on someone: +6, Blair's station has fallen: -3
Fashion Points: Uniform is crisp as ever: +1, Knows the hippest sushi place in town: +2
Total: 9
Season to Date: 9
Power Position: Up

4. Blair
Social Schemes: Tries taking over the girls in her dorm with gift bags and put downs: +1, The plan backfires: -3, Throws a sushi and saketini party: +2, No one shows: -8, Has to grovel to Dan to get an invite to Georgina's party: -4, Ruins the party with a Christian invasion, +10, Gets bested by Dan and everyone stays at the party: -12
Fashion Points: Has her dorm room completely designed in 7 seconds flat: +2, Dan takes her headband of power: -1, Gets a compliment on her necklace at the party: +3, But the rest of the outfit...: -4
Power Play: Can get a roof full of NYU students on the list at Monkey Bar: +8, Ends up back on "The Steps": -2, Still has a strong ally in Serena: +1
Total: -7
Season to Date: -1
Power Position: Down

5. Chuck:
Fashion Points: Wears purple to continue to piss off his dead father: +3, Eats Eggos at Rufus': -1
Power Play: Wants to open a speakeasy, is apparently lost in 2004: -2, Gets thwarted by stupid Serena twice: -4
Quip: "The only queens at NYU have tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall": +2
Total: -2
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Even

6. Nate:
Fashion Points: Looks good with his shirt off: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Lets his stupid new girlfriend keep him out of the action for the whole episode: -4, She disses her family for him: +1
Total: 0
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Even

7. Rufus:
Power Play: Both Serena and Dan are out of the house: -2, Misses chance to influence Serena, because he's scared of Lily: -1, Eventually lands on Serena's side: +1
Personality Flaw: Seems to have misplaced his younger daughter, Whatshername: -5
Total: -7
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Down

8. "Scott"
Family Secrets: No one has figured out who he really is: +2, Almost gets his cover blown by some inconsequential girl at a rooftop party: -10
Sexual Intrigue: Seems to actually be falling for Vanessa: -5
Personality Flaw: Showing signs of being completely wacko: -2
Total: -15
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Down

9. Serena:
Personality Flaw: Too stupid to go to college: -10
Fashion Points: That blue dress!: +3
Power Play: Ruins Chuck's deal by being stupid: -1, Calls Rufus out for being whipped by Lily: +1
Social Schemes: Ruins Chuck's deal by being bitchy: +5
WTF: Is essential wandering around New York crashing at people's apartments like she's a homeless person or doesn't have an Amex with an astronomical limit: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Calls up Carter for help: -1, Continues to sleep with him, even though he is not helping her in the brains department: -2
Total: -9
Season to Date: -15
Power Position: Down

10. Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Still has a slight lady dread hair situation that needs addressing: -3, Was she wearing acid-washed booty shorts?: -5
Personality Flaw: Still whiny: -2
Power Play: Befriends Georgina and reaps the benefits: +4, People actually watch her stupid movie: +1
Social Schemes: Persuades Dan to ruin Blair's plan: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Is still brainwashed by "Scott" and his tender, tender lips: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Up

11. Jenny:
Power Play: Doesn't even get name checked all episode. Did her her little gay minion Eric kidnap her for an evening out at Campus Thursdays Splash and they got trapped in the bathroom for three days?: -20
Total: -20
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Down

12. Lily:
Fashion Points: Still hasn't recovered from her "rejuvenating" trip: -20
Power Play: Even though she's gone, Serena and Rufus are scared of what she thinks: +5
Total: -15
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Even

While some attributed the lightness and hope of this summer's successful Star Trek reboot to residual post-Obama good feelings, it was really just a classic genre pic, with zoom around the galaxy, sword fights, explosions and time travel. Not so for the sequel. Re-creator J.J. Abrams, who is writing the script with Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, says their sophomore effort needs a message.

The ambition for a sequel to 'Star Trek' is to make a movie that's worthy of the audience and not just another movie, you know, just a second movie that feels tacked on...There needs to be relevance, yes, and that doesn't mean it should be pretentious. If there are simple truths—truths connected to what we live—that elevates any story—that's true with any story."

Orci echos his sentiments and says that they're looking for the right issue to base the second movie around.

We got a lot of fan response from the first one and a considerable amount of critical response and one of the things we heard was, ‘Make sure the next one deals with modern-day issues.' We're trying to keep it as up-to-date and as reflective of what's going on today as possible. So that's one thing, to make it reflect the things that we are all dealing with today.

Just as Battlestar used a bunch of humans wandering through space to tell a story about the Iraq war and religion and D9 shed a new light on apartheid, racism, and awesome alien space suits, Star Trek now wants in on the contemporary allegory racket. We must say that is pretty rad. We love to blow shit up, but when you blow shit up with purpose, you get the thrill of blowing shit up, but don't have the residual guilt of watching something totally idiotic. The way aliens heads explode when you run over them with a warthog in Halo can be like, a metaphor for the way people's head explode when they are run over by a tank in the Middle East. Or something like that.

There are a few other properties out there that could use some similar intellectual gussying up if their writers ever want to get the time of day at the Soho House. Here some suggestion of how a little well-placed subtext can rescue these shows, and their crews, from their own stupidity:

The Hills:Discussing whether to help Kristen throw her birthday party, Audrina tells Heidi that there isn't room for enough people at the club. They tell her the only solution is for her to to decide who isn't allowed in the club and murder them when the place is overcrowded.
Metaphor: The health care debate and death panel misinformation.

Gossip Girl: Blair finds that putting on her headband makes her feel great and tingly all over. When she wants to buy more headbands, she discovers they are illegal and that the U.S. government is in a long, protracted, and expensive battle to keep headbands out of the country and off the streets. She becomes an advocate to free all the headbands and starts a march that has lots of bongos, puppets, and hacky sacking.
Metaphor: The war on drugs and efforts to legalize marijuana.

Family Guy: Peter's stupid conservative neighbors tell him that their dog Brian was not really born in America, but in Kenya, and they claim to have the kennel papers to prove it. If what they say is true, then Peter must put his dog down and then burn him in the public square while walking counterclockwise around the flames to prevent the spirits of evil from invading the country. He doesn't know who to believe.
Metaphor: The Birther movement.

Man Vs. Wild: While out in the wild, Bear Grylls meets an aimless Sherpa. The two fall madly in love. Bear brings the Sherpa home, but everyone denies their love and won't let them get married. They even go so far as the pass a law that forbids reality show hosts from marrying Tibetans. Everyone is really sad.
Metaphor: The gay marriage debate.

Wheel of Fortune: Every time a contestant wins the jackpot, he is given a trip to Guantanamo Bay! It's such a great vacation that they can't tell anyone what happens there or when they're going to be back. But while they are there, they get to enjoy lots of activities that include water. Now they wish they had picked Z, X, Q, and U for their extra letter, then they never would have guessed the puzzle.
Metaphor: Torture.

Flynet Pictures is selling pictures like the one above which shows Momsen in a very short skirt and fishnet stockings sitting on the steps of Metropolitan Museum of Art. In others, however, a diligent pervert can glimpse up her skirt to the red panties she wears underneath.

As Gossip Cop pointed out, several gossip websites are running the pictures, including Hot Celebs Home, Hot Online News, IGossip, and So So Juicy. CelebGossipz (with a Z!), the site that Gossip Cop mentions, has taken the photos down.

So, we're just going to say it. Looking at a 16 year-old's panties is fucked up. Who to blame?

• The Wardrobe Department: We know fashion is a big part of the show, and Momsen's character's life, but didn't anyone figure out the equation of Short Skirt + Sitting on Stairs = Panty Flashing? Isn't it their job to think about these things? Now they made an easy target for...
• The Paparazzi: This is an easy one. They shouldn't be taking pictures of little girls' underwear. But they do cause they can get big money from...
• The Photo Agencies: They shouldn't be buying or selling these. There's nothing illegal about them, but they are just really in poor taste. However, there's a buck to be made thanks to...
• Gossip Websites: Yeah, we ran pictures of what may or may not have been Jennifer Aniston's lady flower, but she is a grown woman with a flower in full bloom. We can be plenty tacky, but there are just some things that are over the line. However, these pictures will do heavy traffic, thanks to...
• All of Us: We know that you clicked on the links above. You're perverts. But so are we, cause we did exactly the same thing when we saw the item on Gossip Cop. It's hard to fight human curiosity. Then we felt bad about looking. Then we had to blame people and drum up some outrage, which will only lead to more curiosity, which will lead to more people clicking on the links. Now we're all trapped in a shame spiral.

So, for the premiere we started everyone off at zero and gave them plus and minus points based on whether they were taking power, giving it up, ruining their reputations, or making a fabulous scene. The totals below.

The annual "last fun of summer before school starts" episode had everyone giving up their control, getting into nasty entanglements, and having their secrets blown. Gone are the little girls who will sharpen their knives as easily as they place a headband, instead we got young women insecure about their place in the world.

1. "Scott":
Family Secrets: No one knows he is really Lily and Rufus' son: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Is playing Vanessa like a fiddle: +6
Personality Flaw: Has to deal with annoying, whiny Vanessa: -4
Social Schemes: Gets the Rufus intro he's wanted without looking like a stalker: +3
Total: 10

2. Blair:
Sexual Intrigue: Refuses to settle down: +2, So insecure in her relationship that she lets Chuck call all the shots: -2, Makes sweet, sweet love to Chuck: Even
Fashion Points: Wouldn't be caught dead at the polo match without a hat: +1, The hat is fantastic: +1
Social Schemes:Orchestrates getting Carter Basin to stay away from Serena by placing a restraining order against him on herself: +8, Thwarted to keep Carter away from Serena by Serena's secret: -4
Total: +6

3. Rufus:
Power Play: Managed the family and the house in Lily's absense: +3
Family Secrets: Get's fooled by Serena, and if that dimwit can fool you, then you're fucked: -3
Social Schemes: Falls right into his son "Scott's" trap: -2, Buys up almost all the paparazzi shots of Serena: +10, Doesn't quite get them all: -4
Money: Does it all with Lily's money: -2
Total: +2

4. Dan:
Fashion Points: By the looks of his guns, he spent the summer using Lily's money on a personal trainer and gym membership: +2, Also used Lily's money on a designer wallet: +1
Social Schemes: Wants to help Serena, but can't on his own, so he turns to Blair for help: -4, Thwarted by Carter Basin: -4, Is going to get totally schooled by his half brother "Scott": 0, for now
Hurray! Tells Vanessa to shut the fuck up: +6
Total: +1

5. Chuck:
Fashion Points: Wears a man brooch: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Convinces Blair that flirting with other girls is hot: +5, Has total control over Blair and doesn't use it to his advantage (read threeway): -2, Appears to be totally pussy whipped: -3
WTF: Plays the waiter to Blair's angry customer. Please, Chuck Bass is not the help!: -1
Total: -2

6. Nate:
Fashion Points: Gets rid of his Efron bangs: +6, Reveals a scraggly, jagged hairline underneath: -8
Money: Refuses a sweet ride from his grandfather: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is dating Bree Buckely, the scion of a rival political family: +3, She wants to keep it a secret: -3
Social Schemes: His grandfather is going to use it against him: -3
Power Play: Would rather mourn the loss of his manbangs than take an internship that will lead him to a political career: -2
Total: -5

7. Serena:
Power Play: Increased paparazzi attention: +5, Let's Nacho the polo player order her around: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Slept with Christiano Ronaldo: +1, Does it with Carter to shut him up: +5, Ditches him afterwards: +1
Family Secrets: Gets caught out by Rufus for spending her summer partying instead of meditating on an ashram: -2
Fashion Points:Says she can't go to to the polo match without a hat and then goes to the polo match without a hat: -1, Wears a fierce orange dress: +1
Family Secrets: Carter Basin knows all her secrets: -4
WTF: Rides off on a horse. Really: -3
Social Schemes: Stupidly believes that paparazzi photos of herself will somehow make her father love her: -8
Total: -6

8.Jenny:
Family Secrets: Can't keep Serena's secret: -3
Power Play: Can't manage to get herself a storyline on the first episode: -8
Total: -11

9.Lily:
Social Schemes: Tells her family that she is going to help her scheming mother with her cancer treatments. She's really getting some work done. Fantastic cover: +3
Power Play: Her daughter is running wild. Again: -20
Total: -17

10.Vanessa:
Sexual Intrigue: Broke up with Nate, so now she's poor again: -2, Makes out with "Scott." She is now totally his pawn: -5
Family Secrets: We think she and Nate are keeping a secret: +3
Power Play: Not serving coffee: +1
Personality Flaw: She won't stop fucking whining: -3
Social Schemes: "Scott" totally convinces her to crash the polo match for his own selfish purposes: -4
Fashion Points: She has some sort of hair situation going on at the polo match that makes it look like she has white lady dreads: -2
Tell Off: Goes off on Dan and gets totally schooled: -6
Total: -18

Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello has the news that in an upcoming episode of the the show, Chuck makes out with a guy. He doesn't actually go gay (though his outfits always have been) but he does it to help Blair along with one of her little schemes. Looks like Chuck would do anything for love, including that. The lucky fellow is Neal Bledsoe (see him shirtless here) and he guest stars in the sixth episode. In our gay minds, actor Ed Westwick orchestrated this whole thing to make former roommate Chace Crawford jealous. Yeah, even our fantasy life sounds exactly like an episode of Gossip Girl

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Some teen stars grow up unscathed by their lifestyle; others have meltdowns, drug/alcohol problems and blame the black kid when caught driving like a crazy person through Hollywood. Is Taylor the latter or the former? It's cool that she has her own band, Pretty Reckless, but is it all too much too soon? Here are five quotes from her interview that make us wonder if she's headed for trouble:

1. Hints she was forced into the spotlight.

I kind of grew up in front of the camera: I started modeling when I was two. I was never pushed into it, but I never really chose it either.

2. Possible attention problems?

I found [high school] kind of boring [She finished two years early]. I'm an artist; I'm not going to use trigonometry.

3. A false (?) sense of maturity.

I'm taking college classes online — I want to major in Language Arts… For most people, college is a place where you learn about yourself, and I feel like I'm doing that already. I'm already independent.

4. A lack of friends.

I have such trust complexes. I'm close to like two people. I've always been like that. People misinterpret what I say all the time: They think I'm being offensive, when really, I'm only being opinionated.

5. She's into older guys.

I'm not dating anyone right now, but I've had lots of relationships. My parents know that I'm not going to date someone who's sixteen. Boys are so much less mature than girls as it is; there's just no way — I would eat a boy my age alive.

On the upside, she really enjoys working on Gossip Girl; says her parents trust her and was turned down for the role of Hannah Montana when she was nine, which means she's never posed draped in a sheet for Vanity Fair. So maybe everything will turn out alright.

Iron Maiden (interview), Taylor Momsen Photos, Video From Photo Shoot [Teen Vogue]

Earlier: Teen Vogue Makes Gossip Girl's Patch-Wearing Little J Pretend To Exercise

Yes, friends, I've been awfully sour on Gossip Girl of late, and unfortunately, that attitude shan't abate even for last night's season finale. While not as bad as last week's clusterfuck debacle of a spinoff attempt, the big graduation episode was still sloppily done and terribly written. What with the Gossip Girl non-intrigue and the ever-revolving dance of couples mingling and intermingling that they will do, one assumes, until the world has become occluded with the gray mists of oblivion and we are only memories of dust.

The episode began with brave young Gossip Girl saying that graduation is done just a little bit differently here at Constance's Billiards Academy. She was supposed to mean special and flashy, I guess? But the writers are lazy, so flashy and special ended up being twelve kids showing up and sitting in a dark-wooded room and Serena not even putting her fucking graduation cap on. No, she just tied the tassel in her hair like she was some kind of Indian from the Novel Ho tribe. (Ha ha ha, "Ho." That word didn't stop being funny in 1999 or anything!) My rage at these small details was only compounded by the setups and canards employed in the plot's wan unfolding. Little Jennifry Humphsy wants to be Queen Bee next year? But also sort of not? Blair says she gets to decide who is Queen Bee, but the Weird Sisters say it's up to them now because they don't listen to Blair anymore?

Whatever. Basically the Weird Sisters were bitching at Jenny in the hallway and then they were like "Oh, and here's your competition now, she's transferring in next year." And then the girl said "Hey Jenny, if you're sick of taking the subway you can always sleep over at my house, I live on Park Avenue." And she said it in a super acidic bitchy way. Because, right. That's how you get served. When someone who you've never met invites you to a school night sleepover. Terrific. And, also? Why was the new girl who doesn't even go to the school until September just wandering around the halls unattended on graduation day? Like, really Gossip Girl writers? You're just gonna have some random character walk into the frame because she's required at that moment. Hang Time had better writing than that.

If this all sounds a bit too harsh, it probably is, because who really cares. But my beef is this. Clearly a lot of time is spent on coming up with zingy one liners that everyone is hoping will become pop culture catchphrases and notable quotables. Sometimes those lines land really well! But most of the time they just seem meant to distract from the huge, gaping, stupid plot holes and bad storytelling. If the writers spent half as much time actually writing the script as they do coming up with stupid designer clothing puns, I think we'd have a much better show on our hands. Ugh. I'm sorry. I'm ruining your special day, Gossip Girl! It's your graduation! Let's sit down for the ceremony.

Oh, there you are Rufus. Oh, yes hello Lilian. Well this is awkward. It certainly is. Oh great now that chatterbox Wallace Shawn is sitting behind us. Oh no, he's telling us to get married. Because that happens, normally. Someone you met one time telling you to get married to someone he met one time. Yeah, the world works this way. The world works this way. Oh! The kids! Everyone applaud! There's Natalie, she looks lovely. And Daniel, oh my little buttface. Hey Serena, where's your hat? Hi Blair! You look sad. So do you Chuckles. Are you in love? And... um... Vanessa...? Wait. Why do you keep showing up to random places that you don't belong? Why are you here?

Why is Vanessa ever anywhere?

Before the ceremony some stuff happened where Blair was sad about Chuck and Nate and Vanessa made careful wordlove to each other right there for everyone to see. But now everyone was sitting down for the big ceremony and Vanessa was in the bathroom choking on sobs and wee fistfuls of Valium. Then, suddenly, like a loud moan from heaven or a bright flash of purple light in the sky, er'body's phone started bumpin'. It was one final (???) missive from Grossip Grill. "Hey Upper East Siders," it began. "Happy graduation, you're all idiots. But especially these five idiots. Here are senior superlatives."

And then she called Nate a Slut and Dan an Insider and Blair a Walking One Liner and Chuckles a Catfish Face Who Increasingly Looks Like a Lesbian Made Him Out of Wax and Serena... ohhhhhhhh Serena. She called Serena officially Irrelevant. A bitchy and dismissive and wonderful word to use on dumb old Serena! The whole class was scandalized. Oh, ha ha ha. Noooo. No they weren't scandalized because those five weirdos were once again the subjects of Gossip Girl. They were scandalized because they were the only five kids mentioned. Out of the whole class. Just those five. So either it's all some nerdy cabal that no one else wants to be a part of, or once again everyone's lazy and dumb and no one thought to just, for veracity's sake, add a few more rumors about players or characters we haven't met before. Gurgle.

OK, Gossip Girl. You want to focus on the same dumb five people instead of divulging secrets about the rest of the Billiards Academy senior class? Well then I'll do it for you.

— One time last summer on Fishers Island, Schuyler Dennis got really drunk at The Big Club and ended up making out with a Choate boy in his parents' Volvo. But in the harsh light of the early New England August morning? That Choate boy turned out to be a Rosemary girl. Schuyler never told anyone about her Sapphic tryst, but she thinks about it all the time.

— Back in October Pierce Fletcher got a Prince Albert. But it got infected and his thing almost fell off. Thought that sexy limp was a lacrosse accident? Think again...

— One time at equestrian camp, Dana Marx-Sutton and Cassie Fensley got super stoned on Dana's dad's premium bud from the Caymans and they ended up wandering into Greenfield Park and hooking up with some townies. Cassie ended up getting HPV and Dana? Well let's just say that Dana's last-minute skiing trip to Pike's Peak was actually to another PP entirely.

— Remember sophomore year when Shana Waxman-Gross's older sister Monica was dating that hottie, Thayer Williams? Well it turns out that Monica must be hairier than Mr. Kadowski's forearms. I mean, how else could she be Thay-Thay's beard? Yep, Thayer Williams met a Regis grad named Patrick Doyle when he was a freshman at Haverford, and they've been dating ever since. And, actually, they just got married last month in Brookline. Yeah. They seem really happy, actually. Thayer teaches third grade at BB&N and his husband(!) works at Berklee College, in admissions or something. And Shana was totes invited (no, she wasn't in Biarritz like she said), in fact Monica was Thay-Thay's maid of honor. It was so nice. It was at Lars Anderson and the weather was warm and beautiful and everyone seemed so happy. There was champagne and dancing and little while christmas lights and it was just one of those evenings when, years later, all bundled and twined up by age and little mounds of loss and regret, you can just think back on and smile. Because everything fit perfectly, like some things do, a few things do, once in a very rare blue while, in this big weird world.

— Oh, and Missy Thatcher totally killed a hobo when she was on PCP last Christmas.

So there. Now all the secrets are really out.

After the Gossip Girl info dump, everyone was reeling. At some big classy apartment gala after the ceremony, the Big Five decided that they would uncover Gossip Girl's true identity. Serena especially, because she was so so so upset about being called irrelevant because of course she was relevant! She didn't wear a graduation cap for God's sake! I mean, fashion!!! After some minor intrigue, the kids did some very, very simple math and figured out that because the first GG blast went out their freshman year, then the person must be in their grade. They're like Mathnet! Serena decided to end the thing once and for all and so, gazing out at all the booze-fed young futures of America, she sent a twitter tweet text email to GG and.... brrrrriinnnnggggg! went a phone. A gay phone. Gossip Girl was Erik the Lonely's floppy boyfriend, Jonathon. Cut to commercial!

OK, we're back from commercial. Turns out, heh heh heh, that it actually isn't Jonathon. Because, um, why would it be. Instead Jonathon had conveniently hacked into GG a couple weeks earlier and he'd seen all these emails and there was soooo much stuff about the Big Five that had never made it onto the interservers. Including the secret of Blair and Jack Bass the Jackass. You know, that they boned on New Year's. Jenny found this info and realized that this could be her ticket to Queen Beedom. Because the Queen Bee Cup can only be won by disclosing a juicy bit of gossip at midnight. At Nate's big warehouse ball.

At the warehouse party, Blair wanted Chuck to love her so she seduced him in the most awkward foreplay scene I've maybe ever seen on television. Serena was still weepfarting about being irrelevant, and Dan was busy imagining scenarios in which Nellie Yuki was deeply, deeply in love with him. Because Nellie drunkenly galumpfed up to him and said "There's something I want to tell you..." Actually, she was going to tell Dan that his fly was unzipped, but everyone was rudely interrupted when another Gossip Girl blast came rumbling through the cell lines. GG, enraged by Serena's ace detective work, decided to send out the secrets. Everyone knew about Miss Carr and Dan! And about Vanessa and Chuck! And, as Chuckles discovered just before he mounted Blair and began The Inserting, about Jackass Bass and Blaironica. Oh dear. What a weary, horrible place New York is.

Blair gave an impassioned speech to Chuck that went something like "I'm a girl... standing in front of a catfish... asking him to love her... and also asking him to forget that she fucked his brother." But Chuck couldn't do it, so he said "Go Go Gadget Copter" and puttered off into the silky night. Of course everyone totally blamed Serena for the whole beans spilling mess, because everyone always blames the people who are irrelevant.

So Serena ran away and Nate came tumbling after, saying "Don't worry, everyone will forget about it... eventually." Which was hilariously cold comfort. "Don't worry. I'm sure in thirty years, people won't be mad at you. They'll just be coldly indifferent." Serena wept, snot and goo pouring out of her face, and she said "This is it." She texted GG and said "Meet me at Oak Room." Because... right. Because after all this time GG would say "Oh, OK. Someone wants to meet me. Fair enough. I'll do it."

Back at Humphington Manor, Rufus was watching old Lincoln Hawk concert bootlegs on YouTube and furtively touching himself when Lily showed up. She was carrying Haitian beer and a bag full of something. She said it was from Chuck's room, so I guess we were to assume it was marijuana. My roommate said it would be funnier if it was coke, because wouldn't it be fun and dirty if they just stayed up all night drinking warm beer and blowing lines and listening to Gin Blossoms really loud. But no, I'm pretty sure it was weed and they got frittered and looked at each other gummily and aw what the hell, they decided to get married. So that's nice for them.

At the Oak Room, Serena and Natalie waited anxiously for Gossip Girl. Nate is an idiot, so he assumed that everyone who walked in was Gossip Girl. "Merciful Crap Balls, Gossip Girl is a Greek merchant and his beautiful young bride, Illana." "By Hook and By Crook, Gossip Girl is a group of lost Dutch tourists!" "Great Archimedes' Pan Flute, Gossip Girl is Dan!" Serena sighed and stared hard at dumb little Natalie. Then she shriekd. "Harmony Korine's Ghost, Gossip Girl is everyone on the show!" Yes, everyone showed up. Everyone who's ever been on the show. There was the dead cocaine guy, glassy eyes beaming. There was Aaron the rat-faced boy, gnawing away at a stool leg. There was Lisa Loeb, melancholicly playing a banjo. Gossip Girl sent an email that said "I'm all of you. You're all to blame. But now that your secrets are out, everyone has a clean slate. See you in college!" Everyone nodded and Jimmy the Greek said "drinks on me!" and the beleaguered bartender sighed and said "Guys, I just heard you saying you graduated from high school. I can't serve you. This ends here."

But of course it doesn't! Because Gossip Girl is following everyone to college. It'll be like Facebook, with more and more colleges being added until it's for just about damn everyone. Colorado College Gossip Girl ought to be interesting for the one Billiards Academy grad who's going there. ("Huh. Apparently I cheated on my boyfriend, Calvin.") As will UCSD, for twins John and Maisey Banks, ("You slept with a girl in your Chem class?" "Yeah." "Oh. Huh.") But mostly, of course, we are still referring to the Big Five. Plus, um, probably Jenny.

See, Jenny and Blair teamed up after Blair was sad because Chuck never can say "I love you." Which, by the transitive property, means he's in sorry with Blair. (Think about it.) Blair said "you have to be a bitch, Jenny. Just like Queen Elizabeth." It was a fairly decent bit of referential writing, I guess, so I'll give the episode that. Blair and Jenny swooped in on a meeting of the Lemoncake Stupid Society and declared it under new management. The Ascension and Headband Coronation happened right then and there, and Jenny made her first edict. No more headbands! Oh, comedy.

After all the gossipy rubble had been sifted through, there was an eerie calm. Serena was headed to Europe for undisclosed reasons, and Blair was wallowing in her frilly sadnesses. Dan and Vanessa were sitting at an NYU coffee shop, because everyone is going to NYU and everyone starts college a week after high school graduation. These are just facts! In sauntered Natalie Archibald, who had some news. See, at the big champagne grad party, he decided that a crowded room was the perfect place to talk privately with his Grampapa about that time he screwed that old lady and she paid him for it. Grampapa sighed and said "We'll keep it quiet... It was your grandmother, wasn't it?" Because of this conversation, or because some lady at his new internship was hitting on him (Dan: Is she hot? Nate: Dude, totally. The Entire World: Oh, come on.), young Natalie decided not to continue his life in politics. So, he reinvited himself on Vanessa's big backpacking trip. How she's financing this thing, I have no idea. But, details. There was a weird interlude where some black haired fairy pretended to be going on the trip with Vanessa just to mess with Nate, but it was wildly unclear when that whole thing was set up and my brain sorta fizzled and smoke curled out of my ears and it was almost the end of the episode so I decided to press on.

So, Vanessa and Nate. Rekindled, perhaps. And that mysterious raven-haired Link in the corner? His name is Mitsy St. Halfbrother and he is Dan's half brother and they will be at NYU together. INTRIGUE. Also at NYU? Georgina! And she's requesting to live with Blair! NOT AT ALL INTRIGUE. God, seriously, folks? Georgina in fall 2009? I think I might be checking out of this heartbreak hotel.

Then Serena got a meeting from the bonny gay prince from Kings and he said "I found your dad on a Greek isle." Serena blinked. "Is he still married to Illana?"

No, he's not still married to Illana but he is hiding out somewhere and Serena said "Hop in!" to the gay prince and they zoomed off to Greece in their limo. Glug glug glug they'll go as they zoom off the edge of Manhattan and into the Atlantic, like Tia Carrere in her sad exploding limo at the end of True Lies.

And Blair. Blair was glum and wandering the city and then Chuck showed up. With chocolates from Paris. And pantyhose from Germany. And Collin Farrel's corpse from Bruges. And a small, sobbing street kid from Romania. It was beautiful! And then Chuckles opened his gigantic maw and out poured the sweetest mumblings Blair had ever heard. "I love you!" he said.

And they kissed.

"I love you!" he said again.

And they kissed some more.

"I love you, I love you, I love," the phrase coming fast and furiously and meaningless now.

The cameras tilted up and launched into the sky. Over the blurry impressionist greens of Central Park. The stolid browns of midtown behind them. And there was New York, left to twirl and wander alone until next fall. Are you not entertained?

Oh, and I'll tell you one more juicy Gossip Girl secret, dear readers. After all these shadows did offend, all the other kids at Billiards Academy had the real graduation party. They rented out the Boat Basin on 79th and the river and there was grilling and beer and some kids started a game of flipcup and, man oh man, everyone was friends! How great things were without the Big Five. What a shame, then, that everyone was scattering, like dandelions in the wind, out to places and schools and lives faraway. They always say that you don't know what you got til it's gone, but really you usually don't know what you got until it's almost gone, which sort of makes it crueler, doesn't it? But at least all the boys and girls of America can enjoy these final few days, these glistening glimmering shimmering afternoons, these starry giddy nights, before their lives move ahead one more space on the board and the difficulty of the game begins to snap clearer into focus, faster and faster. Before they begin to see that wall here, that obstacle there, things blocking them everywhere.

For now at the Five-less Billiards party, the world is precarious and open ended and time passing is exciting instead of scary and sad. Just the way it should be when you're 18 and your heart isn't heavy and the summer is calling. Enjoy it, mysterious friends.

And to you, dear readers? I just say:

xoxo.