Boomp3.com

Emotions ran high outside of popular Italian restaurant Il Sole on Monday night as Goldie Hawn attempted to come to grips with her missing car. The valet brought a series of silver Mercedes Benz, but none of them belonged to the Cactus Flower star. Eventually, Hawn’s silver Benz emerged from its seclusion. The valets could not come up with an answer for the confusion other than simply suggesting that people look into another color for their Mercedes Benz.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Loni Anderson: As the Internet Movie Database describes her, Loni, 63, is a “buxom, bedimpled, pert-nosed knockout.” And since her first appearance in the late 70s comedy, WKRP in Cincinnati, she has become another timeless beauty who continues to wow on the red carpet.

Susan Lucci: The well-known “Queen of Daytime” Susan Lucci is a big fan of Pilates, which clearly helps keep all her curves in all the right places.

Gayle King: Can we call Gayle Oprah's bosom buddy? At 53, Oprah's best friend turns heads on the red carpet.

Michelle Pfeiffer: [O]ne of the most timeless beauties in movies. From her gravity-defying bustline to her big blue-green eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer doesn't seem to age.

Rene Russo: Rene Russo, whose smoldering beauty made her so unforgettable in movies such as The Thomas Crown Affair, Major League and Lethal Weapon 3 and 4, still has what it takes on top.

Demi Moore, Goldie Hawn and Oprah herself are included as well. Alas, no Dolly Parton, who we hear was disqualified for slightly aberrant sexual tastes that we're hoping will have faded in the judges' minds by this time next year.

• The Best Breast List: wowOwow’s Peek Down Dazzling 40+ Décolletage [WOWOWOW]

1. Woody Was Owen's Personal Madam: Back in March 2007, when Owen and Kate were still in Phase One of their double act of a relationship, Wilson reportedly went on a Hawaiian vacation with his partner in paparazzi-bashing crime Harrelson, who owns a crash pad on the island. And the first sign of trouble in paradise came when Wilson was said to be hooking up with a Kate-lookalike coincidentally introduced to him in Hawaii by the Woodster.

2. Woody's Bare Butt Possibly More Scrumptious Than Kate's: And who can forget the, well, unforgettable sight of Harrelson's own set of natural born relationship-killers: the buns seen 'round the world while skinny-dipping with Wilson on a mid-Marley And Me, mid-Kate & Owen: The Sequel jaunt to Miami. Even Kate herself has pointed out her own lack of assets, and no matter how straight the Wilson is, who wouldn't be distracted from their current paramour's figure when face-to-ass with that behind?

3. Wildcats: Speaking of Woody's behind, both it and he made their film debut in the 1986 Goldie Hawn vehicle Wildcats, where Harrelson played Krushinski, the token dumb football player to Goldie's token ironic Chick Who "Gets" Sports role (see also: Bend It Like Beckham, A League Of Their Own or Blue Crush). As the NY Times noted in their review, this was "very much Miss Hawn's movie," the trailer speaks for itself when it comes to showing how Kate's mom dominated gum-chewing Woody's first chance to show his stuff, and despite its memorable spot in '80s cult classic sports movies, the film holds a 15% Fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes. Whether or not Woody blames his dim debut on The Family is just a thought, but anyone as proud of their backside as he is might be miffed that its first shot at stardom was overshadowed by Goldie and her "sunny," "sexism-attuned" performance.

[Photo Credits: Celeb Pulp, Ecorazzi]

• WOODY HARRELSON IS DELIGHTED THAT OWEN WILSON AND KATE HUDSON ARE HISTORY [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]

Yes, one ball wonder Lance Armstrong is discovering the benefits to following his pony around, namely in the form of residuals. While Hudson made some attempt to gussy up for the new-ish couple's lunch with Goldie, the bicyclist and sometimes-cameo artist threw on an old t-shirt and couldn't be bothered to shave his beard, leaving him looking like flip flop-less Matthew McConaughey's understudy in Fool's Gold. Which is a look that only works when you're elbow-deep in garbage and tears. And when you're Matthew McConaughey.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• KATE AND LANCE HAVE A BEACHSIDE LUNCH WITH GOLDIE HAWN [People]

You see, when Kate was just a wee one herself, Kurt and Goldie's idea of maintaining an "honest household" was to blab and on about how incredibly awesome their sex was. Oddly enough, picturing the young and horny Goldie and Kurt going at it is far less disturbing than trying to figure out how Ryder knows so much about this "rubbing" business. Is Kate leaving the door open during her dalliances with rumored paramour one ball wonder Lance Armstrong? Has Owen Wilson reenacted the events which led to his Butterscotch Stallion nickname? Either way, we have a feeling that we'll be seeing young Ryder wreaking havoc on the Young Hollywood dating scene in no time flat.</ p>

• LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN [NBC]

Nicole has the same trouble expressing concern as MJ....

Goldie Hawn shares his tendency to maniacally smile at the camera...

Renee's lemon-sucking lips are eerily similar to his...

And Teri just looks as though she must have ordered The Michael Deluxe off the plastic surgery menu.

[Photo Credits: Getty and Wire Image]

• BOTOX IS TURNING NICOLE KIDMAN INTO A 'BAT FACE' SAYS COSEMTIC GURU [Daily Mail]

Goldie Hawn has revealed the secret of her svelte body - it's down to plenty of sex and fresh vegetable juice.

The Death Becomes Her star let Closer magazine into a few secrets about herself and long-term partner Kurt Russell, revealing:

"I'm very turned on by Kurt... he thinks I'm a racehorse. And when you've got a racehorse, you've got to run it."

No one knows this better than Star Jones, who recently described her own able lover Al Reynolds in equine terms, writing in her inspirational tome Shine, "He's got the legs of a stallion." With this new trend of animalistic, unbridled (or, perhaps in this case, bridled) celebrity lovemaking, it's no wonder Jones has instantly dropped 170 lbs and Hawn remains eternally youthful. Unenthused, however, are celebrity household staffs, who gripe they aren't paid enough to have to constantly refill feed buckets with macrobiotic oat compound and clean their bosses' stalls while turning a deaf ear to the ecstatic whinnying coming from within their boudoirs.

• Goldie Gets The Hawn [Ananova]
• Previously: Star Jones Husband Al Is Legged Like A Hetero Horse [Defamer]

• Fright Night [Goldenfiddle]