Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that.

The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following:

Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!...
How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit
Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him?

In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her."

Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued:

This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down."

Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis."

Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident.

Here's the AP report—and really, every short paragraph is outrageously satisfying:

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case.

When the adult-video entrepreneur finally appeared in court Monday afternoon, he told the judge he was suffering from the flu. Francis' attorney Melissa Weinberger says U.S. marshals then handcuffed Francis and took him away.

Francis is accused of claiming more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his corporate tax returns, including $3.8 million for a home in Mexico and $10.4 million in phony consulting services. He has pleaded not guilty to two counts of federal tax evasion.

The hearing was to consider a request from his tax attorneys to recuse themselves.

It looks as though that massive conspiracy cooked up cruel activist judges and breast-suppressing Illuminati finally paid dividends! Though Sundance buddy Kim Zolciak is surely donning her black wig on this dark day, we have a feeling that Samantha Ronson is nothing but smiles. Meet you at Bardot, Sam—drinks (and plastic water bottles) are on us!

• 'Girls Gone Wild' founder arrested in LA court [AP]

The complaint even introduces his case by saying his injustice is the same kind of tale that "Nina Simone sang about; William Faulkner wrote about it; historians teach about it."

...Francis got in trouble when his film crew taped 17-year-old women in Panama City in 2003. He claims they entrapped him by pretending to be 18 or older.

He was sued by the parents in Florida and wound up in Judge Richard Smoak's courtroom. Francis says that Smoak was a "long time friend and decade-long former law partner" of Ross McCloy, whose firm represented not only the parents, but previously the Panama City government in a civil suit brought by Francis.

The complaint can hardly contain Francis' disgust at this development: "Imagine if a person in a dispute with a businessman chose their long-time personal friend and business associate to 'independently judge' the dispute with the businessman. Such a claim wouldn't work in a 3rd grade classroom..."

Although, if it would, could someone please let Francis know? He's heard those 3rd-grade girls are hella easy! In all seriousness, what Nina Simone songs or Faulkner quotations could possibly measure up to this injustice? Can there be anything in the arts that could hope to hold a candle to the saga of an oppressed, well-hung porn king sentenced to prison and poop-scooping?

• Joe Francis Complaint Alleges Panama City Judge and Former Law Partners Gone Wild [THR, Esq.]

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

"I didn't do anything," he told his parents as he was led away, The News Herald of Panama City reported.

Francis, 34, was charged with bribing a public servant, three counts of possessing a controlled substance and five counts of introducing contraband cash and drugs into a detention facility. The charges are third-degree felonies punishable by up to five years in prison.

For those keeping score, 16 pills were confiscated, including lorazepam for anxiety and Lunesta, ensuring that no giant, glow-in-the-dark butterflies are going to sail through Francis's barred window, landing gently on his uncomfortable jail-issue pillow to relieve him from his sleepless nights in lockdown. All the kingpin's men are falling, too: Francis's business partner Scott Barbour was charged with having supplied him with the contraband items, and is scheduled for his first court appearance on Friday—though none of their troubles have yet been updated on the "Legal Fuckage" section of their full-service Mantra Films corporate website.

• New Charges for Girls Gone Wild Founder [ABCNews/AP]

Numbers that set off a red flag for the IRS: round numbers, dollar amounts without decimals... and deductions consisting of the same number repeated over and over again.

Like Francis' false insurance claim for $333,333.33.

He also claimed $500,000.00, and $1,666,666,67 deductions. Ask any accountant. Those are damn stupid numbers.

Look at a receipt in your wallet. Did that coffee cost $1.11? Or $1.00? It was probably more like $1.28.

The same goes for your deductions. Let's face it, most of us don't keep every receipt, but when you're slightly fudging a number from memory, at least make it look right. — BEN POPKEN

Federal Tax Rap for "Girls Gone Wild" Boss [The Smoking Gun]

Joe Francis, the "Girls Gone Wild" founder, was indicted today on federal tax evasion charges for illegally deducting more than $20 million in phony business expenses from his 2002 and 2003 corporate tax returns. According to a two count indictment filed in U.S. District Court in Reno, Nevada, Francis, 34, sought to conceal income through the use of offshore companies and nominees.

At one point, he transferred $15 million from one offshore bank account to a California brokerage account in the name of a Cayman Islands corporation he controlled...If convicted of the federal charges, he faces a maximum of 10 years in prison and fines of up to $500,000.

The Feds couldn't be more proud of their catch, having issued a press release today touting the indictment that features the kind of overenthused P.R. phrasing usually reserved for announcements of the "C-Level Actress Loves Slipping Into the Crappy Clothing She Bought At Our Store!"-variety. To their credit, however, this is the kind of haul that only comes when various branches of law enforcement and government work in seamless harmony in pursuit of their man, though a special tip of the hat is due to the lone IRS employee who first noticed the red flag on Francis's tax return of a $5 million deduction for a subscription to Fully Clothed, Teetotaling Honor Students Quarterly Review, a periodical which turned up in none of their databases.

• Federal Tax Rap for "Girls Gone Wild" Boss [TSG]

The U.S. Marshal's Office in Panama City, Fla., tells PEOPLE that Francis, 34, was arrested at 6:30 a.m. at the Panama City airport on a warrant seeking his arrest for criminal contempt of court.

He is currently being held at the Bay County jail, a spokesman for the U.S. Marshal's Office says.

Although Francis told Fox News's Geraldo Rivera on Monday that he would surrender to authorities, the arrest was carried out by airport police who recognized him before he could present himself to the Marshal's Office.

We'd caution, despite his arrest, not to fall victim to a false sense of security, and parents of developed teenage girls with a propensity towards accepting free alcohol and stripping for the cameras particularly should not be signing off on any "Cancun U. Semester Afloat" consent forms without first asking the appropriate questions. Francis's operation is not the type that can be shut down by a mere short-term incarceration, as his army of DV-equipped henchmen are highly trained in the dangling of shiny, GGW-branded swag in front of the undocumented spring break participants who are just an eye-level and breast-level black bar away from becoming the company's next unwitting DVD covergirls.

• Girls Gone Wild Founder Joe Francis Arrested [People]
• "Girls Gone Wild" Creator Arrested at Airport [TMZ]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: GIRLS GONE WILD MAKES OFFER TO AMERICAN IDOL STAR Girls Gone Wild Offers Antonella Barba $250K to Host Video

March 7th, New York , NY - Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild (GGW) have made a public offer to controversial American Idol star, Antonella Barba, to become the newest member of the Girls Gone Wild family. In the deal, Barba is being offered $250,000 to be the newest celebrity host following in the footsteps of Snoop Dogg and former REAL World celebrities, Syrus, Tonya, Cameran and Ace. [...]

"Antonella Barba is an unbelievably sexy girl who obviously knows how to have a good time," said Joe Francis , CEO and founder of Girls Gone Wild. "Why are people being ridiculed and punished for being sexual? It's ridiculous."

In the weeks since Barba's compromising photos were leaked upon the Internets, landing in untold millions of inboxes and fueling the wrist-straining fantasies of countless watersports fetishists, the contestant has only soared in popularity. (She currently sits high atop the Lycos 500, trailed distantly by such lesser searched subjects as Al Gore, Kevin Federline and board games.) We'd therefore caution her not to too quickly jump on Francis's generous offer should she find herself the latest victim of resident Idol executioner Ryan Seacrest (whom we have no doubt has a complete gimp outfit stored somewhere deep in his closet) on tomorrow's elimination episode. While $250,000 may seem like a lot of money, it really doesn't come close to the price she'll ultimately pay by signing herself over to Francis's latest stupid-girl exploitation scheme, finding herself contractually obligated to host all 8 volumes of their newest series, "Girls Gone Wee: Toilet-Top Teases!"

• Previously: Antonella Barba NaughtyPictureGate: Chapter III: The Vibratoring [Defamer]

"It does not take a very brave man to go out and corner a girl in the middle of spring break who had four drinks," Smoak told Francis. [...]

The judge ordered Francis, his company president, general counsel and chief financial officer to each perform eight hours of community service monthly for the next 30 months. But Smoak said the corporate officers could avoid the obligation, giving Francis the option of "stepping up" and serving 16 hours a month of community service by himself in their place.

Attorney Aaron Dyer, representing Francis and the company, said he did not know if Francis would take on the entire sentence himself.

Smoak ordered Francis to read aloud in court a victim impact statement from one of the 17-year-old girls, who said she was emotionally tormented by her appearance on a "Girls Gone Wild" video and that the video damaged her relationship with her family.

If the judge is really serious about making his sentence sting, he'll dictate an appropriately tortuous venue for the community service, making Francis spend his monthly eight hours cleaning up a sorority house populated entirely by exhibitionistic problem drinkers the morning after their weekly keg party, who'll force him to listen about how disappointed they were that no cameras were around to shoot the topless, sexually experimental, and adequately documented minor-free fun they had the previous night.

• 'Girls Gone Wild' producer sentenced [AP]
• Previously: Joe Francis Promises To Purge Actual Jailbait From His Future Titty-Flash Endeavors [Defamer]