LA may have received apple gift cards but CAA NY basically got a reminder that the office is still the red-headed stepchild. Instead, the Coby Vzon portable dvd player, model number tf-dvd5005 was given. It's as top of the line as it sounds. Coby doesn't even have any information about this paper weight on its website. Worst of all, they stamped CAA on them so they can't even be re-gifted. They were probably found in a closet during the move.

[from a follow-up e-mail:] and as an update, some of the players don't work.

Amazon's selling the DVD players for $69.99 (buy one now and simulate the agency assistant holiday experience at home!), but we imagine that CAA was able to apply its legendary bargaining powers to haggle its Chinatown stall vendor far below that price point, a hardball negotiation that probably featured at least one barely veiled threat of a call to the police or INS. Whatever the cost, it's clear the company values its L.A.-based employees more, who will be able to convert their $100 cards into CAA-logo-free iPod Shuffles they can immediately re-gift to family members back home without shame.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Reviews: CAA Shows Improvement, While WMA Takes It To The Next Level [Defamer]

As part of our continuing efforts to publicly celebrate the generous and chastise the miserly during this industry holiday gifting season, we pass along two more reports of what agencies are giving to employees and lower-ranking business associates this year. A reader lets us know that evil agenting monolith CAA has significantly improved upon last December's feeble offering:

Don't know if this is newsworthy, but for those of us who spend this time of year betting on what bargain basement, shitty-ass gift CAA bought in bulk from Taiwan, this was shocking: the gift this year is pretty sweet. A $100 Apple gift card.

While the cards represent a clear upgrade over 2005's debacle, top-level CAA agents' gift to themselves remains unchanged: On the morning of the last day before the holiday hiatus, they'll all gather in their headquarters' underground banquet hall for a year-ending feast where they'll dine on winter-fattened babies dressed in tiny, adorable Santa and reindeer outfits, which can later be recycled as festive costumes for small pets back at home. But even CAA's display of Apple-branded largesse can't match the William Morris Agency's, which just gave all of its assistants video iPods with the company's logo laser-etched onto its back (pictured), a token of appreciation that puts each of this year's reported holiday presents to shame. Unless we get word out of Endeavor that Ari Emanuel is personally giving every call-roller in the building a scented oil foot rub and a bottle of Cristal, WMA is going to be nearly impossible to beat.

• Previously: Defamer Holiday Gift Review: ICM Reminds Employees The Best Years Of Their Lives Are Slowly Ticking Away [Defamer]

Our latest holiday gift report comes from an ICM staffer who considerately provided us with this brief review and photo of the company's small (estimated retail value: $3.95) token of appreciation for its employees, which doubles as a subtle reminder that as long as one is part of the ICM family, all of one's time belongs to the agency:

Good luck re-gifting the ICM employee Christmas present this year. Here's a photo. Notice the protective plastic applied not over the face of this cylindrical 2" made-in-China travel alarm, but on the ICM logo on the cap. ICM employees are so happy, they never need to check the clock, but any excuse to carry the company logo around when they travel is good enough for them. Too bad ICM's not generous enough to give a holiday party where employees can actually bring a date.

While not the most generous possible gift, the clocks do seem to have significant practical applications: if hurled at the head of an assistant, they're heavy enough merely to hurt, not maim, and the timepiece's Chinese-manufactured chassis ticks loudly enough to remind even the most unambitious of desk slaves of every second of his life he's wasting maintaining the call sheet of a guy who says "dude" way too much, a sure motivator to work a little harder for that promotion.

After the jump, photographic evidence that UTA did not, as we feared, merely recycle leftover chocolate for this year's Lucky Bars (estimated retail value of Golden Ticket-free bars: $1.29)—or if they did, they at least had the good sense to have stale candy spruced up in snappy new packaging:

A reader writes in with an update about where some of the Lucky Bar Golden Tickets ended up: "So far I heard an assistant at CBS Paramount won $1000, two at CBS won $100 and someone at Management 360 won $5000." Still no reports of violence against the winners by those not sufficiently appeased by a few mouthfuls of chocolate, but we expect some shortly.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Report: UTA Gives The Gift Of Chocolate. Again. [Defamer]

The industry gifting season seems to finally be upon us, as we've received a couple of reports that UTA's present to assistants lucky enough to regularly handle the agency's calls have arrived; unfortunately, they seem to have squandered an opportunity for gift-giving creativity, falling back on last year's Wonka-inspired Lucky Bar (pictured—feel free to send in a picture of this year's version for comparison purposes), perhaps hoping to clear out some boxes of spare chocolate they had left over from Christmas '05. Says a reader:

Just received my UTA Christmas Gift. Looks like they went back to last year's Golden Ticket theme. Who knows if there's a check buried in one of these things but the one I received had two passes to AMC theaters. I suppose that's appropriate. However, if the fine print on the back of these passes means that I can only get into movies with UTA clients, I'll be a little pissed.

[important to note: I didn't receive a gift from UTA last year... So it's possible that this is last year's gift that was lost in the mailroom.... For a year....]

Still no word about anyone who's unwrapped a bar to discover a Golden Ticket, finding themselves $100 to $5,000 richer (are there even money prizes this year, or are movie passes all anyone's getting?) and a prime candidate for a parking structure mugging at the hands of a greedy, call-rolling peer. Keep those gift reports coming: nothing keeps us warmer than you scoffing at associates that think you're only worth a plastic luggage tag.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Review: UTA's Divisive Chocolatey Goodness [Defamer]

But for many, the days of lavish gift-giving are a distant memory.

Industryites wistfully recall the bygone tell-tale crinkle of a cellophane gift basket bearing enough cupcakes to sate first and second assistants. "Last year, we congregated in the hallway wondering, 'Where is everything?' " said one ex-DreamWorks employee. "The baskets used to be crazy, gigantic."

Even more poignantly lamented is the yearly post-gorging ritual associated with the cupcake baskets, where executives gathered in a circle around their full-bellied assistants, demanding that the greedy underlings immediately vomit up the delicious gifts obviously intended for their superiors, a heartwarming holiday lesson about the importance of respecting one's place in the Hollywood pecking order.

And as long as we have you here, we once again make our yearly call for submissions about the gifts you're about to receive, whether they take the form of reviews of tragically crappy, borderline insulting tokens of appreciation (ingratitude always makes great copy), reports about the much better presents the department down the hall was blessed with (and so does seasonal jealousy), or whatever else you dream up. We know you won't let us down.

• Gifting on the decline [Variety]
• Previous Gift Reviews [Defamer]

A pale comparison to the U.S. awards shows, where gift bags are worth between $40,000 and $100,000, the official TIFF premium gift bag was valued at $2,200 and included Ray-Ban sunglasses, Swarovski Crystal necklaces, gift certificates for Botox and luxury getaways, a Birks jeweler pendant, and other items.

But stars are not lining up for them. [...]

"We think it may take a year or two for the buzz to start building," said David Morelli from Cohn and Wolfe Public Relations. "We hear that celebrities have been very tightly reined in this year.

We can't help but admire the pluck of that optimistic Flack of the North, who can envision a future in which his country's fledgling celebrity sycophancy industry evolves past its current sacks-full-of-Canadian-Tire-money-level primitivism, to a point when they can gamely challenge their more developed competition in Hollywood.

• Stars passing on red-carpet swag in Toronto [MSNBC.com]

"There's no special red-carpet tax loophole for the stars," Internal Revenue Service Commissioner Mark Everson said Thursday. [...]

The value of the gifts must be reported on a celebrity's tax return. That includes gift certificates or vouchers if they've been redeemed. The gifts count as income because the IRS does not believe they were given "solely out of affection, respect or similar impulses."

How cynical of the taxman to presume there might be some ulterior motive at play in these branded gestures of admiration. If Cartier wants to gift Charlize Theron with a diamond-studded tennis bracelet, we imagine it's simply in recognition of her latest tour-de-force performance playing a cleft-palated Norwegian nurses' rights advocate, rather than an opportunistic attempt at cashing in on her high-profile status.

• IRS, Academy Awards Reach Tax Agreement [AP/Forbes]

So last year Untitled Entertainment, one of Hollywood's biggest and most powerful managment companys sent out cashmere sweaters. This year...crappy luggage tag...WTF. It is indeed plastic. I would be able to break it in half with my hands.

We can almost hear the pleasing snap of plastic as frustrated assistants perform impromptu stress-tests on the luggage tags. And it goes without saying that we'd be interested in knowing which crappy gift succumbs more willingly to force, Untitled's "well, we have to give them something" offering, or CAA's misguided attempt to empower filmmaking careers.

• Previous Holiday Gift Reviews [Defamer]

Brad Grey just gave everyone who works in the film division an iPod Shuffle as a holiday gift. Not too shabby.

We are happy to report that there is no truth whatsoever to the rumor (which we just made up) that randomly selected iPod Shuffles contain "Golden Playlists," which progressively lucky winners can redeem for iPod Nanos, video iPods, or in the case of one very lucky gift recipient, a vigorous shoulder rub from Steve Jobs.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Review: UTA’s Divisive Chocolatey Goodness [Defamer]

Are you fucking kidding me!?

I've been in this assistant racket for a while. I do my best to be greatful for ANY gift as I am often the one cutting and pasting lists well into the nite; distro-ing gifts I didn't pick out then having to listen to people complain about them. It's a thankless job and I am a grateful girl. But this is BEYOND the pale.

The outside of the box reads: Feeling lucky this holiday?

Sure, why not. I have my health, a nice apartment and food to eat. Never mind that I work 60 hours a week for peanuts. I work for a nice boss. He doesn't scream or throw things. I work in Hollywood, there's a line of folks a hundred miles long who would kill for my job so why not, I feel lucky.

The wrapper on the rather large bar reads "Lucky Bar Tis the season to be golden."

What does that even MEAN!?

You flip the bitch over: "Peace Love and Happy Holidays for your friends at UTA (friends is a strong word, is it not?) Now dig in to see if you've got the golden ticket!"

I'm a sucker. I'm thinking - they wouldn't send out bars WITHOUT tickets - this is just some gimicky thing. They'll be a gift certificate to arclight or something inside. Cute.

Not so much. Now WHY on earth, at the beginning of one of the most stressful weeks in an assistant's life, would you send out a cock tease of a gift. Oh, sorry, you AREN'T lucky. You're gonna be stuck behind that desk for the rest of your life answering phones, juggling pitch meetings and making sure someone ELSE'S salad has the right amount of sugar free dressing on it. This is with out a doubt the most thoughtless gift in the history of bullshit holiday gifts.

UTA - I'm putting you on notice. My boss will be unavailable to you all day. I don't care if Peter fucking Benedek is on the line. We will return.

Still no word of a $5,000 winner, but that might be because he or she's already dead.

• UTA Brings Lottery Spirit To Christmas [Defamer]
• Defamer Gift Review: CAA’s Crappy CamCorders [Defamer]

We still haven't received word about the arrival of UTA's magic candy bars; we thought they were being distributed on Friday, but an informal poll of several operatives at a bar that night revealed they had yet to be delivered. Let us know once you've unwrapped your candy and drowned the sorrow of your disappointment in chocolate.

• Previously: Defamer Gift Review: CAA’s Crappy CamCorders [Defamer]
• UTA Brings Lottery Spirit To Christmas [Defamer]

CAA kicks off the gift-giving season with the absolute shittiest digital camera that money can buy. At least I THINK it's a camera. The "Cam-Corder" (no brand, just CamCorder thank you) looks like a miniature Polaroid, and it takes pictures and video…I think. The instructions are so arcane that it's impossible to tell what the contraption actually does. I'd say that they picked them up from the going-out-of-business Good Guys on La Cienega, but there was actual thought put into this, because the CAA logo is prominently tattooed on the camera.

Once I installed the batteries, and figured out how to turn it on, I ooked through the postage-stamp sized viewfinder and snapped a shot of my office. Then, a little red light started blinking and I saw nothing. I futzed with it for a few minutes and then gave up. A few minutes ago, I decided to give it one more try, but now it looks like the battery has been totally drained.

UTA, the bar has been set.

Nice and low, apparently. If the other agencies inject just a tiny bit of thought into their gifts (you know, picking something not from the Taiwanese gray market), maybe they can jump a few places higher on the phone sheet.

• Previously: CAA Seeks Ten Percent Of The Entire World [Defamer]