And those skeevy onlookers — Michael Chiklis! Jeff Goldblum! Who knew Jobeth Williams had a voyeuristic streak? Close's star, meanwhile, had no comment after the ceremony, except to ask for a cigarette. We know the feeling, buddy.

[Photo Credit: AP and Getty Images/ hattip to LAist]

The Oscar-winning actress [...] acknowledged some of her recent films had not been a great success, saying she had "quirky taste."

"In terms of my future as an actor and stuff, I don't know," she told a news conference. "I am in a place in my life where ... I've had some great opportunities and I may just choose to have some more children. I've no idea what is in my future but I am very at peace with where I want to be. There are many things I want to do besides act."

Great. Kidman joins Angelina Jolie, Joaquin Phoenix and a surprisingly large surge of others currently diagramming their escapes from Hollywood — a celebrity trend we prefer to, say, Malawian adoption safaris, but which nevertheless gives us bittersweet pause. After all, for every break this might accord Naomi Watts, we just know Andy Dick is in a conference room somewhere slobbering through a callback for Captain America. Let's hope cooler heads prevail, even if Australia's box-office prospects don't.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Stars walk the red carpet for 'Australia' premiere [Reuters]

• Nicole Kidman says she's unsure about future acting [Reuters]

• Baz Luhrmann's Australia is good, but not a masterpiece [The Australian]

He wasn't really going there, we soon learned (he was only slightly more candid at the recent New Yorker Festival, vaguely alluding to Palin's truthfulness in her debate with Joe Biden). But as reformed Republicans go, Eastwood still packs a robust skepticism alongside his tux when he travels.

"My mortgage is in the toilet, too," he replied. "I haven't been very active in politics. Yes, I started out as a Republican in 1951; I was a young 21-year-old in the Army, and I wanted to vote for Dwight Eisenhower. He, like all politicians, was always promising something, and he promised he would go to Korea and end the Korean War. But the Republican Party, as has the Democratic Party, has changed dramatically in the 50-some years that I've been involved with it, so I've sort of drifted to a more Libertarian point of view. The Libertarian Party never got going as a party — just leave everybody alone. It was very appealing to a guy like myself who came up in the '30s and watched my parents struggle through the Depression and [who] nowadays is wanting for nothing.

"Now, of course, everybody is promising everything," Eastwood continued. "That's the only way to get elected: You have to promise to give people all kinds of stuff. You have to give away new cars like on Oprah or something. We'll give you anything to go down and vote. It's kind of perverted politics as far as I'm concerned. Whether Mr. McCain or Mr. Obama... Whatever happens there, who knows? There are a lot of promises going on there, too. It's a very confusing era." We couldn't agree more — we'll be so much happier when no one has to worry any longer about distinguishing Palin from Tina Fey.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Well, apparently Opes is just as greedy as the rest of us.

Over the weekend, Oprah hit up an Emmy swag suite and - gasp! - actually took something home with her. A purple-grey Lesportsac limited edition bowling style bag designed by Stella McCartney. Really, Oprah? We would've gone for one of these cool hats, like Neal Patrick Harris did. Lookin' good, Doogie.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Oprah Winfrey stops in at Emmy swag suite? Is the economy that bad? [LAT]

· Early reports indicate the Emmys suffered their worst ratings ever: Roughly 12.2 million viewers tuned in, a 7% percent drop from 2007 and about 100,000 fewer than the previous low in 1990. Explanations range from primetime NFL competition to the Kimmel lead-in getting blown out by 60 Minutes, but let's be honest: If Katherine Heigl wasn't coming, why would America?

· No one was more disappointed than beat writers at the Nokia Theater, who waited in vain for winners who never arrived. The culprit: The long elevator detour to the press room, as opposed to last year's nearby tent at the Shrine. But, reports Variety: "There's no question that the buffet laid out for the hungry scribes was far better than any Emmy nosh in years."

· As such, the Academy's generosity paid off in karmically complimentary reviews like USA Today's:

The lesson ABC's Sunday slog seemed to be striving to impart is that the Emmys are a joke — and a bad one at that. From Josh Groban's musical montage to that monumentally terrible, time-wasting quintet — Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst and, in particular, a dithering Howie Mandel — the show seemed designed to convince us that we shouldn't be watching. Not just the Emmys, mind you, but television itself.

· Dry cleaners around town were inundated this morning, taking in hundreds of soiled tuxedos belonging to broadcast brass terrified over cable's incursion into their big night. The name "Bryan Cranston" is the new Brown Note.

· Remember that bomb scare to which Eva Longoria alluded in her interview with Ryan Seacrest? False alarm! It was a BB gun in some attendee's trunk, forcing everyone to get out and walk when their limos couldn't approach the red carpet.

· Making matters worse, non-celebrities attempted to use the celebrity metal detector. This from the director of John Adams, who couldn't even outmatch Jay Roach in his own category. Pot, meet kettle.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Rossdale told Us that he and Stefani didn't know the baby's gender.

"It's just gonna be insane when it comes because then we will find what it is," he said. "And then we get to name the baby! It's gonna be such chaos ... amazing chaos!

"I'm just trying to be there for the wife," he told Us. "Look after her and be cool."

SPOILER ALERT: It was a boy they named — we shit you not — Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, a moniker reportedly drawn on the fly from the varieties of organic teas once cited in No Doubt's concert rider. Meanwhile, Jason Sehorn knocked up Angie Harmon again, it's their third, etc. Here's hoping September is a more subdued month, or, more accurately, that our heroic celebrities make more actual news than infants. Humor us. Please.

[Photo source: Getty Images]

• Jennifer Garner confirms pregnancy [NYDN]
• Matt Damon's wife Luciana gives birth to girl [AP]
• It's Another Boy for Gwen & Gavin! [US Weekly]

"I'm a middle-school teacher," said one young woman, "and I really want to get girls more involved."

"I just think she's hot," said a creepy nerd in his mid-thirties.

McKellar, when she stepped up, looked exactly like Winnie Cooper. Attired in a fitted purple jersey dress and gold hoop earrings, it was hard to believe she was 33 — which is, I guess, the point. She had a bubbly, girlish speaking style and a SoCal intonation and peppered her speech with "hecks" and "goshes." "I was scared of math," she began frankly, explaining she didn't see herself as fitting the stereotype of the math nerd and doubting her early successes. "When a girl fails at math, it's like confirmation of what she already believes about herself." McKellar explained that she wants to show that math is for everyone, "that you can be that girly girl who wears four-inch heels and is good at math" - and that "being smart doesn't make you a nerd, whatever that even means!" Math, she said, "is like exercise for your mind," and useful in more contexts than most girls understand. "If you want to open a cute little boutique? You're going to need math! I even have a section on unexpected careers that require math, like designing," she said.

Despite McKellar's enthusiasm, the audience — with the exception of one elderly man with a none-too-clean iron-gray ponytail who guffawed indiscriminately throughout — remained stony-faced. ("Do you remember math tests?" she asked confidentially at one point. Silence. "Well, I sure do!" she continued pluckily.) The reading portion, because it's a math text, was necessarily brief. Then, of course, questions.

"I'm a teacher," said the first speaker. "Are you going to continue with the series and do pre-calc, calculus and trig, too?"

McKellar said she might.

"I'm also a teacher," said the next. "And I'm already seeing girls feeling really discouraged by seventh grade. "
"I'm a middle-school teacher, too," said a third. "are you going to be doing any speaking at schools?"

A guy asked if she was encouraged by the recent reports that girls were as good at math as boys.

"Those statistics are nothing new," said McKellar heatedly. "It's not a question of ability; girls just don't see themselves as able to compete at a high level."

Someone asked about her speech before Congress for funding for scholarships for women.

"The truth is, scholarships aren't the problem, really," said McKellar. "By college, it's too late - women don't think of themselves as mathematicians, end of story. They're not applying for those scholarships."

"Don't you think it's unfair to be focusing on girls when kids across the board are struggling with math?" asked one guy aggressively.

"Well, lots of boys read the book," said McKellar defensively. She went on to say that textbooks had always been geared towards a male sensiblity, so this was more about redressing a balance.

"When is The Wonder Years coming out on DVD?" demanded an old man with a mustache and a Nascar cap.

McKellar very graciously replied that she didn't know but that "I've heard there are bootlegs out there, but they're illegal."

As the customers lined up, marshaled strictly by the B&N employees, to have their books signed, I heard an 11-year-old girl say, shyly, "I like your book. It made math fun." McKellar beamed with pleasure. At that same moment, I noticed a group of young guys pass by the picture window in front of which the actress and math genius was standing and give her rear end a thorough and unabashed once-over. The two things, combined, seemed like a pretty good window into the one-time Maxim model's life. Kiss My Math, indeed.

Not long after his micro-budget debut Wrong Numbers hit at the 2001 South by Southwest film festival, Holdridge said he had fielded calls from every major studio looking to adapt his comedy about "unruly teens trying to buy beer for a party on their last night of high school" for Hollywood. Sony eventually hired him to write the script on spec, which apparently took a couple years too many for the studio's taste, as Holdridge discovered when he heard about a new Sony project called Superbad:

That was the last straw. As far as he could tell, Wrong Number had been co-opted by Judd Apatow and company.

"It was devastating," Holdridge recalls, hesitant to accuse any particular individual of ripping him off. "Their script was different. Our script was fucking awesome, but you can't copyright a concept." Holdridge suspects the executives at Sony may have suggested his idea to more established Hollywood comedic forces, but he places some of the blame in his own lap. "I have some responsibility because I went and made another movie," he says. "I don't want to complain. What if we just had the same idea?"

Yeah, what if? It's not like Midnight Kiss doesn't owe its own life to Before Sunrise/Sunset, Manhattan and a few other couples-gabbing-in-the-streets classics. And Apatow is the Comedy Person of the Year, after all. But as Holdridge alludes to in the profile, Wrong Numbers is illegal to screen since Sony picked it up seven years ago. We can't wait for the double feature when the time finally comes — and as much as we appreciate his discretion under the circumstances, we're fairly sure it will come.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• 'In Search of a Midnight Kiss' Director Alex Holdridge [indieWIRE]

Blake Lively/Bridget: With only one credit behind her before the first Pants, 1998’s Sandman, Lively got her big break as Bridget the jock. Even though no one knew who she was at the time, she built her buzz by appearing in a few cheesy movies like the Justin Long vehicle Accepted. But now, thanks to Gossip Girl and its sultry appeal (ratings be damned!), Lively is arguably the boldest name on the sequel’s marquee.

America Ferrera/Carmen: Cast as the not-so-pretty one who most magically fit into the same jans all four girls kept handing off, America is obviously the biggest success story when it comes to acting cred (an Emmy), ratings (Ugly Betty), and general public appeal (we don’t even want to think about counting how many magazine covers with the hed “America The Beautiful!” she’s appeared on in the last two years).

Amber Tamblyn/Tibby: Having blown away TV critics as the lead in Joan of Arcadia the same year Pants came out (and racking up Golden Globe and Emmy noms along the way), Tamblyn was a shiny bright new fixture on the circuit. But the only notable film Tamblyn has appeared in since? The Grudge 2. Oops. The only reason we can think of for Amber’s dimming star? Michelle Trachtenberg. Sort of the more telegenic, tabloid-friendly version of Tamblyn, with all sorts of Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson sloppiness to keep the kids entertained.

Alexis Bledel/Lena: Pants came out at the height of Gilmore Girls’ gooey success, just before new writers took over and turned the show into an even faster-paced linguistic mess of confusion. And Bledel was the biggest draw among all four, cast as the “pretty” one with the heftiest romantic plotline and most cinematic backdrop (finding love in Greece). But the only upcoming flick on Bledel’s radar at the moment — aside from Pants 2 — is a comedy with Michael Keaton (which would've been a great gig in the late 80s, but today? Not so much). And the last time we saw her out and about was at the 2006 fashion shows alongside then-boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia — while Milo’s struck gold in Heroes, Alexis has yet to find a similarly cozy rebound gig.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• UGLY BETTY'S AMERICA FERRERA SHOWS HER PRETTY SIDE AT NEW YORK PREMIERE [Daily Mail]

WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and

WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and

WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and

WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, and

WHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and

WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and

WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and

WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and

WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional,

WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and

WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and

WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit,

NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER:

1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and

2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and

3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison.

RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008.

SIGNED,

DEFAMER

[Photo: Getty Images]

For documentary/reality-TV warhorses Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, though, Fleiss was among their most slippery, troubling, compelling and entertaining subjects to date — at until she fled the project (HBO docs boss Sheila Nevins eventually caught up with her for a sober sit-down threading the Nevada footage). Defamer recently checked in with the duo at World of Wonder HQ in Hollywood, where the recovery seems to be coming along well under the circumstances (and after the jump).

D: Discussing this film after an LAFF screening in June, it seemed as though you two had been through hell with it. What in particular were the struggles you faced as filmmakers?

RB: We were filming at a time when Heidi was struggling with addiction, and we're not really into making "addiction" films. It's not really our oeuvre.

FB: No film is easy to make, but this one was especially difficult to make. As a documentary filmmaker, you're kind of a sponge. You soak up whatever the person is going through, and Heidi was going through lots of nasty stuff. It wasn't a very pleasant experience.

RB: You'd sort of get contact highs and contact lows.

D: You also noted at the fest how your original idea was "up with prostitution" — that you could cover Heidi's Stud Farm as a personal and social success. How did you adapt as that idea spiraled out of control with your subject?

FB: When we set out to make the film, we were all excited planning this final sequence, which would be the opening of this brothel for women — with a great musical number and ribbon-cutting and champagne and all the rest of it. But, you know, the story you plan to tell isn't necessarily the story you end up telling. And it turned out that the brothel was the macguffin. And that's OK. It wasn't so much that it "spiraled out of control."

RB: None of our films end up being what we intended them to be. It's just that this one was really different — that combined with the process being as painful as it was. But we usually like what we shoot. That's why we do it.

D: You've acknowledged that Heidi shouldn't have had a camera in front of her after a certain point in this story. So why did she?

RB: When you watch the film she wasn't that far gone. We never had the camera rolling at times when we shouldn't have. The times we shouldn't have, we didn't, or we weren't there. Us saying that we were making the film at a time when there shouldn't have been cameras there has more to do with that period of her life.

FB: At first we were like, "Is this the best thing to be doing?" But then what we locked onto - or found accidentally, however you want to put it — was this other story. And I think what the film is is this third story: Heidi Fleiss, a self-professed business woman who has commodified love and who has no time for love herself, discovers love. She falls in love with these birds. She wasn't expecting it to happen to her, and we weren't expecting it to happen to her. And I think putting that on camera is a fit story to record.

RB: And it does illustrate a very complicated and smart and interesting and funny woman.

D: And in the end she walked out anyway, right?

FB: In the end, before we were done, she stopped cooperating with us, yes. We could have put the whole film together with what we had. It was just that it was rather bleak and sort of unrelieved. The great thing about the interview where she's eight days sober is that it provides this other perspective and brings into the mix this whole other aspect of Heidi that the addict obscures. It was good to have this other aspect; you could see her looking glamorous. I don't think addiction is ever the full story of someone.

D: So are you guys going to have fun with your next project?

FB: Fun fun fun! Our next is Pam: Girl on the Loose. That debuts on E! next month.

RB: Fun fun fun!

FB: Tori and Dean, Million Dollar Listing —

RB: It's all fun all the time from here on in.

[Photo credits: Top, HBO; directors Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, Getty Images]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

Laugh all you want (we're right there with you), but hey — it worked. Follow the jump to read why.

"The airing of scripted indecency or indecent material in prerecorded programming would likely show recklessness, or may even constitute evidence of actual knowledge or intent," the judges wrote. "But when unscripted indecent material occurs during a live or spontaneous broadcast, as it did here, the FCC should show that the broadcaster was, at minimum, reckless in causing the indecent material to be transmitted over public airwaves."

The FCC argued that CBS was reckless in allowing the incident to occur. But the judges sided with CBS, which had argued the incident was unscripted and that the network had tried to prevent it by having "numerous script reviews and revisions" and "several wardrobe checks" and by implementing a five-second audio delay of the broadcast. CBS said video delay technology was not available at the time.

The best part of the judgment, though? As neither Jackson nor Timberlake are CBS employees, the network isn't responsible for their actions, premeditated or otherwise. And suddenly, we can't wait to see what a salivating Rupert Murdoch pulls out of his sleeve for Super Bowl XLIII next February; if this decision wasn't an engraved invitation to stage The Moment of Truth — Halftime Stripper Edition, then we don't know what would be.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Court tosses FCC 'wardrobe malfunction' fine [LAT]

According to Fox News, Fox blames her recent dramatic weight loss on a role in Jennifer's Body, a comedic horror film penned by bloggy-inclined Oscar winner Diablo Cody in which Fox plays a "possessed cheerleader." But master fauxter Bay, demanding as ever, has forced Fox to stuff herself silly with late night binges in order to bulk up for Transformers 2: More Shit Blows Up! And as for poor Anne Hathaway? Not only has she allegedly dropped almost 30 pounds in the few weeks since thieving ex-boyfriend Rafaello Follieri finally got nailed, but she's also said to be "throwing herself" into work on Bride Wars, that glee-filled set where disguising her hatred for co-star Kate Hudson has become close to impossible. But hey, at least now Anne can come out the winner in those infamous skirt size comparisons she and Hudson indulge in every time the cameras stop rolling!

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage, Getty]

• SCARY SKINNY MEGAN FOX STOPPED EATING, FORCED TO GAIN WEIGHT [Fox News]
• HEARTBROKEN ANNE HATHAWAY DROPS 'TWO STONE' AFTER SPLIT FROM JAILED BUSINESSMAN [Daily Mail]

In past interviews, Parker has responded to the many accusations in the press that she's undergone all sorts of rhinoplastic magic, the actress has said:

"I've had no Botox, no collagen, nothing. I have lines, but if some of my peers weren't having things done, I wouldn't think about it."

"It’s mad. It seems no one can move their foreheads any more and their faces are all fluffy and bouncy.”

"I don't want to do things that I think are unnecessary and I wish that more of us felt that kind of courage. I think it'd be better for everyone...It's just genetics and I don't deserve it. I'm one of the lucky ones I guess."

As any fellow SATC devotee knows, Carrie Jessica Bradshaw Parker spent every episode of the series proudly refusing to hide that beauty mark, endearing her to women across the globe and making the iconic lovelorn heroine that much more relatable. And taking into consideration yesterday's display of what a little moonlight and makeup can do to a girl like Gwyneth Paltrow, we're tempted to take Parker, self-righteous as she may be, for her high and mighty word.

[Photo credits: Reuters, Getty]

• HAS SARAH JESSICA PARKER REMOVED HER FAMOUS MOLE?

”Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, ‘Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.’”

Sounds like a cinch, abounding with potential suspects, right? Not so fast. After our handy thinking caps proved to be malfunctioning this morning (or, possibly, the mindgrapes under said cap?), we took a few guesses after the jump, but today calls for the help of you commenters who, as always, are typically far more savvy at this sort of thing than us:

Anyone else who sadly remembers Mango the flamboyant monkey, or Corky Romano the flamboyant mob kid or, really, Chris Kattan the flamboyant Chris Kattan, was surely as shocked as we were to hear someone like model/actress Sunshine Tutt had agreed to marry the quirky little guy. Is she a cokehead, though? Well, were we forced to utter "Sunshine Tutt" whenever introducing ourselves to someone, we might need something to bolster a bit of confidence too. Melanie Griffith has admitted to dabbling with her fair share of substances in the past, and hubby Banderas has not only high-kicked on Broadway, but dude has not one, but two perfumes colognes under his shiny belt. Yasmine Bleeth, maybe the biggest repeat offender in cocaine bustland, is married, but we (and, we suspect, she) don't have a clue who this husband of hers is, but perhaps none of the above matters. When we hear the term "closeted actor," we instinctively picture the two actors most closely associated with the phrase in the public's eye: man-smoocher John Travolta and macho, macho man Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is many things, but a cokehead? Nah. Kelly Preston, on the other hand... How an actress could fake her way through filming an explicit sex scene with Cruise without the aid of drugs? The world may never know.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, FilmMagic, Getty]

• CELEBRITY SIDE DISH [NYDN]

Most of the ladies who gave up fearing Jesus remain happily married to their Chosen Person. Stunner Elizabeth Banks married the businessman Max Handelman in 2003, and her mother not only approved of Banks’ choice, but made the chuppah herself. First Lady of Dreamworks Kate Capshaw, though still hanging on to her surname from her first marriage, made the switch for Steven Spielberg, and Anne Meara’s conversion put a quasi-end to the primary source of material for her comedy act with Jerry Stiller, “Stiller & Meara,” which used their religious differences for many a punchline. And who can forget Miss Connie Chung, whose baffling adoration of silly Maury Povich convinced the anchor to go Jew for life.

But it’s not all dradles and festivals of lights! Model/actress/bimbo Nikki Ziering went through the lengthy process for, of all people, Steve Sanders himself, Ian Ziering. But predictably, the union went bust after four short years. However, Nikki’s still Jewish! And most memorably, Liz Taylor very famously converted to Judaism to become Eddie Fisher’s second wife, only to eventually become number two of five just a few years later. But her “guts and guile” found its way into Sex And The City, inspiring Charlotte to be proud of her decision to convert for her bagel-loving Jewish baldie, and even name her fancy puppy after Liz.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic, Wireimage]

• SACHA BARON COHEN AND ISLA FISHER'S WEDDING ON HOLD [Daily Mail]

In Ciccone's book, set for release next Tuesday, her brother reportedly blames his estrangement from Madonna on Guy's anti-gay attitude: "Ciccone, who is gay, alleges that his relationship with Madonna went downhill after she married Ritchie...because of the director's homophobic tendencies." Of course, we find it hard to believe that someone like Madonna, who Ciccone also claims planted a very steamy kiss on Gwyneth Paltrow during a decadent late-night birthday party years ago, would side with anyone carrying anti-gay baggage around.

Chris also promises to expose his sister's ancient habits of partaking in (shocker!) mini-drug parties every now and then with her music producers. But in today's drug-infested celebrity culture, sharing a joint or two with your boss in the music studio sounds downright G-rated compared to her fellow Brits' current escapades, filming themselves smoking crack, feeding crack to kittens, and snorting posher crack on dirty mirrors in the vicinity of yet another drug crusador, Pete Doherty. And lesbian flings? Please. Not only are same-sex couples all the rage at the moment, but they've become just as yawnworthy as the so-called scandalous details surrounding the Gwynnie kiss. I mean, it's Gwyneth Paltrow. Any "secrets" painting the hooker heel fanatic in a naughty new light are music to the burgeoning sexpot's ears.

[Photo credits: Getty, Busted His Nut]

• MADONNA'S BROTHER SAYS SHE SNOGGED GWYNETH AT A BOOZY PARTY [The Sun]
• SHOCKING DETAILS IN MADONNA BIOGRAPHY [AOL News]

Instead of Corey Feldman, try Corey Haim: At the time of Drew’s fling with Feldman, picking between the two Coreys was a matter of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Catch A Cokehead By The Toe. Judging by their subsequent trajectories, Drew may have made the wiser choice. But it’s the other Corey, sent to the bottom of his pill bag by Defamer commenters, who currently needs all the help Drew’s strawberry-scented guffaws can bring.

Instead of Luke Wilson, try Owen Wilson: Maybe back in the late 90s Luke seemed like the more intriguing Wilson. His nose wasn’t quite as broken as his brother’s, Owen hadn’t bewitched us all with his Hans in Zoolander, and Luke had yet to permanently banish himself from crush lists by actually sharing screen time with Jessica Simpson. But if Drew goes back to the Wilson well, Owen is clearly the front-runner these days.

Instead of Tom Green, try Dane Cook: Because the barren landscape of horrendously unfunny comedians has a new mascot, and Drew’s fondness of sticking her tongue down her boyfriend’s throat might be the only way to shut this one up.

Instead of Justin Long, try PC Guy: Because John Hodgman is a treasure and deserves some action. Bonus points for Drew if she agrees to film a cameo in the next Apple commercial, makes Justin cry, short-circuit whatever totally awesome new Mac he’s holding, and permanently erase that smirk from his face.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty]

• STAR EXCLUSIVE! DREW BARRYMORE AND JUSTIN LONG: IT'S OVER! [Star]

Though the Gossip Girl pretty boy has already doused gossip pages with gay rumors, Willis was allegedly gung-ho about grabbing the goldilock-ed birthday boy's attention. But instead of smartly following in his co-star Blake Lively's footsteps and donning a trustworthy bikini inspired by her own mother, Rumer thought a pair of her "shortest jean shorts" and impressive dance floor shenanigans would do the trick. Sadly, sources say Crawford was less interested in both her and Z-lister Brittny Gastineau's forays in conversion tactics: "He wouldn't give her the time of day." A sad moment indeed, but we do suggest Willis try her method out on Crawford's partner in fruitini-drinking crime JC Chasez, who, judging from our tipster's report months back, is much more interested in hiding his sexual preferences behind cabana doors.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• WOMEN COMPETING FOR CHACE CRAWFORD AT HIS BIRTHDAY [NYP]