Begrizzled homo-loving son of a gun Sean Penn will be starring in a film about drugs. It's a Brian Grazer-produced film called Cartel and is a sorta revengey, child protect-y kinda movie. [Variety] David Ayer, who's previously dazzled us with such fare like the baroque LA crime flick Harsh Times and the broke-ass LA crime Keanu Reeves movie Street Kings, has received a seven figure deal from Regency to write and direct a film called Last Man, about American soldiers in space dukin' it out with frakking aliens. [Variety]

Fox has picked up the screen rights to the book Mr. Popper's Penguins. They plan to turn the 1938 publication into a thriller about what happens when the air conditioning is on too high at the Abbey. [Variety]

Begrizzled immigrant-loving wielder of a gun Melissa Leo, of Frozen River Oscar nodding, has signed on to a new HBO pilot. She'll be playing a lawyer in Treme, David Simon's New Orleans-set followup to The Wire. [Variety] Meanwhile at a project of completely equal prestige, former Ugly Betty transsexual Rebecca Romijn has signed on to play the lead in the Witches of Eastwick pilot for ABC. [Variety]

Michael J. Fox is returning to television, in a reality show called Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, in which he travels the world spreading good cheer. You just shut yer damn trap right now, Limbaugh. [Variety] Meanwhile a TV star of today makes Bambi steps toward movie stardom. Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl will star in the totally-mid-90's-ish thriller The Roommate, about a college student whose roommate becomes obsessed with her, Single White Female style. In that movie, Jennifer Jason Leigh was Bridget Fonda's, um, roommate. [THR]

Oh awesome. The wonderful Missy Pyle, Chris Parnell, and Deanne Dunagan are set to star in a CBS comedy pilot. Parnell and Pyle have been doing funny work in TV and film for years now, but Chicago actress Dunagan is probably best known for her ferocious, every-award-possible-winning turn in the play August: Osage County. She'll play a Southern mother making things difficult for an East Coast-transplant couple. [THR]

Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black's acceptance speech provided the most vivid example of the latter: A tearful testimony of what it meant to live life openly as a gay man, it ended with comforting reassurance to the millions of fledgling gay boys—and smattering of girls—out there in the Oscars audience. Echoing a similar Harvey Milk speech that inspired Black himself to come out of the closet, the writer promised these bullied Beyoncé fans that they too have worth, and will one day escape the small towns in which they're trapped (whether by wheelchair, or some other, less literal-minded literary device).

Beautiful, right? Surely a sentiment with universal appeal, and one that would bring a tear to even the most child-blindingest of Mumbai slumlords. That is, if it hadn't been edited out of India's Oscars broadcast. A tipster writes:

It is my understanding that Dustin Lance Black's acceptance speech was edited for the rebroadcast of the Oscars in India such that the mention of being gay was removed. The actual broadcast began at 630a.m., so it's aired in real time and also taped and rebroadcast later in the day. My source for the info saw both broadcasts of his acceptance speech, so there you are.

If that's true, it's an unconscionable act of censorship and a giant step backwards for what was touted as the most global Oscars in history. We mean, how would they like it if every time A. R. Rahman or an adorable Slumdog Millionaire orphan took to the stage to praise their country and culture, The Abbey's Official Viewing Party cut to more "acceptable" footage of Baz Luhrmann mouthing the words to his big musical number?

But few know that Hollywood's greatest pre-Rahm Washington liaison was once pinkballed by J. Edgar Hoover's FBI. In 1964, Valenti was the Don Draper of the Houston advertising world, whereupon he won an appointment as a top aide to President Lyndon B. Johnson. There were whispers, though, that he had been engaged in suspiciously non-hetero activities; to wit, pulling a Franco in the White House pool. The Washington Post reports:

[I]n October 1964, a man whose name has been redacted from the records called an FBI official in New York. The caller encouraged the FBI to investigate Valenti "as a sex pervert," files show. "He based this request on the fact that he had read in the newspapers that Valenti swims in the nude in the White House pool."

A month later, the bureau found out that the Republican Party had hired a retired FBI agent to look into rumors that Valenti was attracted to men. The agents then focused on Valenti's relationship with the photographer, whose connections with Valenti had enabled him to photograph Johnson two years earlier, the memo said.

Six days later, Hoover reported the allegations to the president. Johnson spoke to Hoover lieutenant Cartha D. DeLoach and asserted that "Valenti was all right; however, his judgment was faulty inasmuch as he felt Jenkins had been all right," files show. DeLoach advised Johnson to have Valenti submit a sworn affidavit regarding his association with "this homosexual." Johnson demurred, saying Valenti had no need to defend himself.

"The President indicated that if I were to ask him if 'Lady Bird' were virtuous he would feel it would be unnecessary to reply, inasmuch as he knew 'Lady Bird' was virtuous," DeLoach wrote in a note."

Valenti was already one of Johnson's most trusted confidantes, standing just feet away as he took the oath of office aboard Air Force One after John F. Kennedy's assassination. LBJ may have used a Lady Bird trust analogy to protect his friend, but we suspect he really didn't care much one way or another. In those tumultuous days there was far more important business to attend to, and what a guy did naked in the White House pool with his longtime photographer companion was really nobody's business but his own.

• Valenti's Sexuality Was Topic For FBI [WashPo]

A month later, you're informed that you'll appear in every single scene of Ang Lee's new movie, Taking Woodstock. That's pretty much how it happened to Demetri Martin, who'll play the film's hero, Elliot Tiber—a young, Jewish gay from upstate New York who found himself, by sheer happenstance, mounting the generation-defining cultural event of its time.

Martin described the experience to AfterElton:

"James Schamus, the head of Focus Features, called my agents and said, ‘Hey, I want to meet with Demetri, just a general meeting.' Okay. So I went in to Focus, and I just met with the guy. He was really nice. He just asked me questions about what I was working on. Great, well, good to meet you. We just talked about music and plans, just writing things."

[One month later] Schamus wanted to meet with him again – only this time with Ang Lee and about a specific role.

"I went into the Ang Lee meeting and I had read the book and they're like, ‘I don't know how much you know, but we want to do this movie. We're kind of interested in you as a character. We're not going into as much of the like underground New York gay scene and that stuff. We're focusing more on the family relationship and this guy's personal journey, as a gay person who is in the closet in 1969 as that relates to making Woodstock happen and finding yourself as a generation is finding itself.'"

A week later Schamus asked Martin to come back and read for Lee.

"I did four scenes [and] I was like, this is a long shot, but this is for real now. And then two days later, they were like, ‘Okay. We'll do this with you.' Wow! I'm in every scene in that movie! It's crazy! I'd been in like two or three movies before and did like two scenes, tops. Now I'm in every scene, and I'm working with Ang Lee?"

We're dying to see this, even though we fear this particular casting may become the un-bendy straw that finally breaks the gay camel's back with regards to straight actors winning juicy gay roles. How ironic it would be if Taking Woodstock incited its own Stonewall riot, with hundreds of angry, out-of-work gay actors storming out the doors of Starbucks WeHo, chanting, "What do we want? Parts! When do we want them? Now! What will settle for? Featured extra! When we settle for it? Also now!"

• Exclusive: Demetri Martin takes on "Taking Woodstock" [AfterElton]

Second-cutest New Kids on the Block member (because omgJoeyweloveyouandwanttenthousandofyourbabies!) Jonathan Knight has been exposed by the National Enquirer as enjoying the company of other New Kids—which, if you follow such things on gossipy blogspots, seemed to be something of an open secret. Boy Culture scanned the expose in question, replete with damning kissy photos provided by a former lover:

Kyle Wilker, 27, tells the rag Jonathan realized he "preferred guys to girls" after dating Tiffany. (Sorry, Tiff. Ouch.) "We had a wonderful relationship. I was in love with him and I believe he was in love with me." [...]

[T]his "beautiful, romantic story" came to an end after 18 months with Wilker now telling the 'bloid that Jonathan likes to stay at home and watch TV and read. "I call him a straight guy who happens to be gay."

If you've already purchased tickets to the New Kids' triumphant comeback tour, we'd like to take this moment to emphasize that the alleged bedroom proclivities of its various members should have no discernible impact upon your concertgoing experience. They'll suck as much as they always did—no more, no less. So cheer up, ladies!

• Didn't I (Blow You This Time)? [Boy Culture]
• National Enquirer

Wilde joined the medical drama at the beginning of last season as the bisexual internist nicknamed "Thirteen," whose affliction of Huntington's Disease quickly became a major ongoing storyline. Sadly, House producers were unaware of a simple fact of television fandom: if you give a beautiful new actress screen time at the expense of good-looking men who are already on your show, unholy hellfire will rain down upon you from the highest summits of the Television Without Pity messageboards. At least, that's our interpretation of Thirteen's rocky reception—Wilde has a different one:

Olivia Wilde thinks she knows the real reason her numerically-monikered House alter ego elicits such a negative reaction from some fans. "I think it's because she had a gay sex scene [this season]," she confesses. "I've got to be honest with you, I think that's what it is."

Could be! Perhaps, though, viewers simply thought the sex scene was superfluous and would have preferred a plot where Thirteen's same-sex loving resulted in a misdiagnosed case of Lesbian Bed Death, only to see her social life saved at the last minute when House swooped in with the real cause of the problem: Fangirlus Misogynoccus.

• 'House' scoop: Is 'gay sex scene' behind Thirteen backlash? [EW]

The editor of the Gay Socialites blog reveals that he was recently asked to take part in...well, we're just going to let you find out yourself, because discovery is fun:

After a few minutes of talking with one of the Associate Producers on the telephone today, I found out that I'm not gay enough for Tyra Banks. The AP told me that Tyra was looking for someone who was a bit more "queeny" to participate in "Gay Town", a reality experience for "The Tyra Banks Show."

From what I was told, Tyra is going to lock a bunch of gays, lesbians and bi-sexual people in a room and observe how they act in different situations. Then in a few days, Tyra will bring the gays on-set to talk about their experience.

Excellence in Media! We can't wait to see Gay Town (run by Mayor William Sledd and hysterical Deputy Mayor Chris Crocker) flourish in a boom stereotype economy, only to crumple when crafty producers take away video cameras, internet access to Pink is the New Blog, and flat-irons.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Not gay enough for Tyra Banks? [GaySocialites.com]

ABC announced today that it would bench Betty in March to make way for Samantha Who and the Megan Mullally-terrorized Motherhood, then return the America Ferrara vehicle after those two sitcoms complete their runs. However, as Michael Ausiello points out, that would be June (at the earliest).

The move is only the latest pratfall for Betty, which ABC has tinkered with constantly in the hopes of recapturing its first-season ratings (though many of the show's early elements—including executive producer Marco Pennette, the Los Angeles set, and Rebecca Romijn as a transsexual—have been jettisoned). At least if ABC shelves Betty entirely, Ferrera can always guest on her best friend Blake Lively's show. Oh, wait.

• ABC shuffles comedy slate [Variety]

Courtesy of Gawker video editor Mike Byhoff (who assures us he experienced no unusual loin-stirrings while compiling these clips), we bring you some of the finest moments of man-on-man, saliva-infused passion ever to grace the silver screen. Enjoy bisous from Velvet Goldmine (whose Ewan McGregor has plenty of Jim Carrey face-sucking time in I Love You Phillip Morris), Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Brokeback Mountain, and Dude, Where's My Car?

First of all, some background: as we know all too well at this point, Joaquin Phoenix has grown out a beard and is pursuing a stunty fake career as a rap singer for what is clearly, clearly a mockumentary directed by Casey Affleck.

Also, your associate editor was inebriated at the party where he snapped this picture.

Anyway, let's try to figure this thing out.

REASONS WHY IT COULD BE JOAQUIN PHOENIX:

· Phoenix had a high-profile rap performance in Vegas on Friday (pictured at left). That's close enough to Park City!

· The beard growth is about the same on both d-bags. The blond wig on the Sundance d-bag (which threw us off) is clearly fake.

· Seriously, the Sundance idiot was so douchey that he approached self-parody (which is apparently Joaquin's new vocation). He was dancing like a loon and had oven mitts on his hands, for God's sake.

· The build (including the slightly bulging tummy) is about the same.

REASONS WHY IT MAY NOT BE JOAQUIN PHOENIX:

· It was at the Queer Lounge kickoff party? Which is not to say that New, Awful Joaquin is gay-unfriendly (though he is a rapper now), or that he's unaware of the fact that gays throw the best parties. But still, something to note.

· The Queer Lounge people we've talked to don't know a thing about it. Casey Affleck wasn't there and neither were any cameras (as far as we could tell).

· Though we're currently well-insulated in a Sundance bubble, we haven't heard any other news reports that place Joaquin at the festival.

· Actual Joaquin appears to have a more sizable soul patch and different nose (though the angle and iPhone camera could account for the differences).

THE VERDICT:

Hollywood is filled with douchebags.

Here's the plan Gilmore and director of programming John Cooper gave to the New York Times in December:

The festival, for instance, will make certain that no film is screened only in the Holiday Village theater in Park City, operated by Cinemark, a chain whose chief executive, Alan Stock, donated to Proposition 8’s backers in the November election. The idea is to give anyone who has qualms about Cinemark the opportunity to see a movie somewhere else.

But, given the dearth of theaters, programmers don’t intend to abandon the Holiday Village.

“We don’t have an alternative,” Mr. Gilmore said. “If we had another theater we could walk down the street to, we might be thinking about that.”

On its face, such a plan seemed superfluous: most Sundance films screen publicly around four to six times in several different theaters—including ones in Salt Lake City—so there was never any chance that a film's public screenings would be held exclusively at the Holiday Village (especially when they tend to premiere at big venues like the Eccles or Egyptian Theatre before working their way down to smaller screening rooms).

Running parallel to those public screenings are ones for press and industry only, and it's here that the Cinemark situation not only wasn't rectified, but has actually gotten worse.

For film critics and buyers who want to see as many films as possible, the press/industry screenings are the only way to go: no tickets are needed beforehand, and the screening experience is quick and easy (unlike public screenings, which sell out beforehand, start late, are buttressed by introductions and Q&As, and occur in isolated areas). Until this year, the press screenings were typically held in three locations: two separate, makeshift screenings rooms in the Yarrow Hotel, and one screening room in Cinemark's Holiday Village multiplex (just across a parking lot from the Yarrow).

Ironically, programmers have eliminated one of the two Yarrow screening rooms this year and made up for the loss by adding another to the Holiday Village. Since each film gets only one official press/industry screening (a precious few popular films sometimes get an encore screening near the end of the festival), this ensures that at least two-thirds of the festival's programming will only screen for the industry at Cinemark-owned theaters—and that includes gay-themed films like Dare and One Day in a Life. Press and industry who don't want to patronize the Holiday Village could always request comped tickets to public screenings, but Sundance rules permit only one comped ticket per day.

As Gilmore has said, there's a dearth of screening rooms in Park City, so abandoning the Holiday Village entirely would have been a difficult proposition. Still, the official line that steps were taken to assuage activist concerns increasingly appears to be little more than a snow job.

His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer, and he's a frequent guest and DeGeneres favorite who's big on "self-actualization." According to Wikipedia, "his 1976 book Your Erroneous Zones has sold over 30 million copies and is one of the best-selling books of all time." With that title? Who knew!

If you're interested and would like to check out his oeuvre the next time you're at Whole Foods, you will enjoy learning that "spiritual energy is the energy of abundance," whatever that means. Also, this fellow, this Dr. Wayne Dyer, is one of those mind-over-matter types who never gets depressed, not even when his wife runs off with another man, breaking up their happy family of eight (!) children (one of whom is named "Saje").

Still, he is apparently a big deal, so it's nice that he gay-married these two famous celebrities. Too bad that "self-actualization" thing can't stop the union from being (maybe) nullified!

• Ellen

EW's Michael Ausiello has the latest scoop: Melissa George (who plays bisexual, risk-taking intern Sadie) is leaving the show even before her entire episode deal and next-season option are exercised. The character was only introduced this season, but she was flirting with ladies and we all know where that got Brooke Smith! But then, let's let George explain the departure in her own weird, elusive way:

"I love the show so much," she gushes. "I've made some beautiful friends. I love T.R. Knight. I love Patrick Dempsey, Justin Chambers… I adore Ellen Pompeo. I think she's a strong, incredible woman. And Katherine Heigl is the most beautiful creature on Earth."

Then, um, why leave? George says she simply wants to "do something else." Already? Well, a Grey's insider does suggest that the parting of the ways was more mutual than simply the actress' choice. "Melissa's arc came to a natural end. Everyone at the show adores her. We're genuinely sad to see her go."

George's initial deal called for her to appear in roughly 8-11 episodes with an option to become a series regular, like Kevin McKidd. But her Sadie had a much more rocky introduction than the Iraq doc, what with the self-mutilation and ambiguous sexuality. The latter characteristic was especially ill-timed coming off of Hahn's controversial exit. "The character was cursed from Day One," sniffs an ABC source. "She was very difficult to root for."

Then, y'know, maybe don't introduce her? It's an interesting approach, this "throw a new character at the wall and see what sticks" strategy—it's just too bad that all the recent characters happen to be same-sex-leaning, and that instead of the wall, they get flung at the revolving door that opens out onto Seattle Grace's Parking Lot of No Return.

• 'Grey's Anatomy' exclusive: Melissa George checks out [EW]

When quizzed by E! about what she expects in 2009 from Barack Obama, Hathaway burnished her gay bona fides (already sparkling after starring in Brokeback Mountain and saving her brother's same-sex wedding) and noted, ""I expect him to explain that choice of Rick Warren. I don't get it. All my friends and I were trying to figure it out, but we just can't. So I'd love that." You know, Anne, sometimes you get sweet-talked by an apparently charitable man, invite him into your life, and then find out that his overseas transactions were a lot shadier than you'd originally thought. Who can't relate?

• Anne Hathaway Takes Obama to Task! Go Anne! [E!]

Strange then, that Lohan would choose not People or Us but Life & Style to issue her exclusive rebuttal (apparently, Pennysaver was not available). "We didn't break up. No," Lindsay is quoted as saying. "People need to stop creating drama, it's gross."

Sadly, Lohan's own publicity team didn't get the memo. E! spoke to Lohan's unnamed rep (we're guessing Leslie Sloane Zelnick) and asked whether the rumors were true. Instead of a blunt "Absolutely not," the rep answered with a world-weary "I don't know." Not adequite, Leslie. Not nearly adequite.

• Life & Style exclusive: Lindsay: Sam and I are still together! [Life & Style]

AH quotes a source close to Lohan who says that following the split, the actress has moved out of the house she shares with Ronson. It's the dénouement of Hollywood's most beloved, barely confirmed same-sex affair, and AH claims it began to unravel as the two of them staged a series of epic public spats in Miami:

On New Year’s Eve, things went from bad to worse as Lindsay and Samantha hosted a bash together at club Mansion, where the two reportedly began another fight in public, before taking their shouting match outside.

According to the [New York Post], Lindsay screamed, “When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!” [...]

The paper claims the war of words later turned to a physical altercation back at the hotel the two women were staying at.

“They were punching each other – it was bad,” another source told the paper. “And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary.”

Our condolences to both women as they work out the stages of Hollywood grief: terse publicist denials, mysterious MySpace entries with moods of "sad" and "confused," and finally, a statement from Leslie Sloane Zelnick confirming, "After nearly a year of friendship, Lindsay Lohan will no longer be attending club nights that book DJ sets by Samantha Ronson. Please respect her privacy as she struggles through this difficult time."

• Source: Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson Split Following Public Spats [Access Hollywood]

The Daily Beast reports that Rourke has been talking down Penn's Milk performance all month—a crusade that has culminated in an accusatory text written wholly in Courtney Love-ian hierogylphics.

After his December 23 appearance on David Letterman, Rourke told someone backstage that he was surprised that so many people seemed to think that Penn was his Oscar competition since “I’m not even sure he’ll get a nomination.”

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [sic]

“It’s a shame,” says one veteran Hollywood lawyer. “Mickey should be looking at this as a once in a career chance for a fresh start. But dumping on Penn is not going to win him any friends. It’s not the way to get Oscar votes.”

Perhaps, but it does dovetail nicely with the recent criticism Penn faced for palling around with anti-gay world leaders. Can Rourke withstand the accusations to open a new front against Penn, or will the combined might of aggrieved Daily Beast readers and a terribly miffed Raul Castro thwart his attempted Ram Jam?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Rourke Trashes Penn [The Daily Beast]

To recap: Love claimed that Kardashian's brother Rob had gay-bashed one of her employees outside Hyde while a conflicted Brody Jenner looked on, unable to produce any sort of cry for help besides, "How's my hair, brah?" Now, Ms. Kardashian has crafted a post addressing the matter that basically accuses Love of writing nonsensically (an irony, since it was her most coherent post in...ever) and says merely that something else happened that's maybe different, but she won't divulge what:

A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad.

All I know is that both Brody and Rob didn’t do anything close to what Ms. Love has described.

My entire family’s response is this: We are so saddened to hear that someone is blogging this insanity on Christmas Eve. Everything this person writes is obviously untrue and we will forward this terrible nonsense to our attorneys. Merry Christmas!

We're certain Kardashian's attorneys will enthusiastically file that one away along with Kardashian v. Anonymous Defamer Tipster. Kim, perhaps all this agita could be avoided if you would merely take Courtney's eternal, stress-relieving advice to "feel what it feels like to get fucked in the ass by a piece of fruit and you will feel the sweet sweet release...of coming into your own TRUE self!" Come to think of it, haven't we seen you do that already?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Courtney Love: Christmas Grinch [Kim Kardashian]

After one of her employees was attacked by Kim Kardashian's little brother Rob, Love repaired to her Myspace journal to detail the incident and get in a few jabs of her own. And they're relatively coherent, suggesting that outrage has a stabilizing effect on Love's notoriously grammar-loose sensibility:

what i am about to direct is something many of you can relate to, and hopefully are disgusted by..which is the icky trend of straight heterosexual males who commit hate crimes that are secretly in the closet, yes, Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed.

[...]

Let me be inviting to you my darling rob because i am SUCH A BIG FAN OF HATE CRIMES and homophobic fruit cake assholes like you this around this holiday season, It's all about self acceptance and particular in your case the acceptance of your own homosexuality, Lets be pals and go shopping at The Grove and go "STRAIGHT" to Ab and Fitch store while the techno music blasts really loud and find you a tight tee shirt for our big night at Rage in Weho, lets ditch these trendy B list clubs and lets dance dance dance where we can be free, and drink cosmos and have no one make fun of us, you can also wear your sisters underwear, I promise I will keep it a secret, but first let me invite you over and lets have a Mac Cosmetics Dazzleglass date night.

Will Rob respond with his own version of the incident, thereby continuing the series of vehicle-adjacent Rashomons that the Kardashians so often find themselves embroiled in? Or will he take Love up on her offer to "feel what it feels like to get fucked in the ass by a piece of fruit and you will feel the sweet sweet release rob of coming into your own TRUE self!" Courtney, that's your solution to everything.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

• not so hot: hate crimes [Myspace]