• "Slumdog Millionaire," Coming Soon From Warner Independent Pictures! [The Lost Boy]

E! brings word of Comcast's attempt to smooth out what some might deem a problem, but what we would prefer to call a pleasant (if flaccid) surprise:

In a statement, the cable giant blamed the intrusion on a fiber-optics line operated by Cox Cable and that it was launching its own probe into what it called "an isolated malicious act." Comcast also promised a $10 credit to affected subscribers.

What about us, Comcast? We've watched it, too—and that isn't even counting the damage we've surely incurred from watching Bruce Springsteen's crotch-attack while we unfortunately still had our 3-D glasses on. We will accept our ten dollars in pennies, for the purpose of shenanigans.

• Feds Planning Super Bowl Porn Probe? [E!]

Yes, Comcast subscribers in the fair Arizona burg were treated to a Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in the waning moments of the game that offered a gender-reversed spin on Janet Jackson—and how. Naturally, the parents who let their children watch Bowl commercials where Danica Patrick takes a naked lesbian shower are outraged by this terrible, cup-less display of male genitals. Here at Defamer, we're notably more sanguine (hey, we deal with bare wangs—both celebrity and cerulean—for a living).
Execution: 3 Anticipation: 7

• Porn Clip Penetrates Super Bowl Broadcast [TMZ]

In the U.K. to promote the British version of her BFF series, Hilton immediately stuck her foot in her mouth (only the second most famous object to grace that orifice). The Sun's Colin Robertson was witness to the cultural carnage, in which Hilton mistook Prime Minister Gordon Brown for the host of Kitchen Nightmares:

She descended on London and told me: “I love Britain. London is my favourite city in the world.” But when asked if she knew our PM, she replied, “Yes, it’s Gordon Ramsay, isn’t it?"

Her knowledge of British drinking habits was equally ropey. She confessed: “No, I’ve not heard of a pint — what it that? Is it beer?”

And in the show she tells one hopeful she is unfamiliar with the girl’s home county, inquiring: “Essex? What’s that?”

Though we fear (pray?) Hilton's strain of dimness may thwart her attempts to re-enter the U.S., at least she can use her celebrity to get in touch with President Padma. Who, after all, can forget our new leader's inspiring message to young people everwhere: "Please pack your knives and go."

• Paris: PM is Gordon Ramsay, right? [The Sun]

Mainly because as an overcome, emotional Cruise fumbles for words while addressing the tragedy, Us Weekly prematurely ends their video clip with a sparkly ID bumper that is deeply inappropriate, given the circumstances. We'd encourage them to take a cue from 24, which ends its most tragic episodes with a respectfully silent clock, but we admire the sheer, campy chutzpah it took to watch this wrenching video and decide, "Needs more whimsy!"

• VIDEO: Tom Cruise: Jett Travolta's Death Is "Horrific" [Us]

Page Six has the scoop:

A Page Six spy, who recently shared an elevator at Barneys with the diminutive actress, reports Olsen was excited about all the discounted merchandise for the taking. "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales," said Olsen, who pointed to her hat. "That's where I got this! The recession!"

While we congratulate the empathetic Olsen on finding a silver lining, we're appalled that she still hasn't discovered the hottest boutique in town, Madoff. The expense may be steep there, but if the actress forks over as much as she can, we have a feeling that the payoff will be priceless.

• RECESSION FAN [NY Post]

The initial mugshot seemed to heavily imply Culkin's responsibility for the death, and while the new picture removes some of that taint, he now seems weirdly happy and satisfied. Again, we're glad they didn't use this photo, but we fear now that they're only getting warmed up. Guys, a neutral or frowning picture of Macaulay is not hard to find — Google Image Search is your friend! Let's just be happy that Shenae Grimes hasn't had to suffer this insult upon injury today, and claim that as our tenuous silver lining.

• CBS 2

Certainly, we can understand running with a picture of Macaulay Culkin to illustrate the death of his sister Dakota; after all, Macaulay is the most famous sibling and therefore the one that readers will hook into. But...that picture? Surely you know what using Macaulay's mugshot is suggesting to your readers, don't you? And it's not, "Oh, remember when Macaulay got arrested in 2004 for marijuana possession in Oklahoma City?"

Here's the Associated Press photo site. Put an account on your Christmas wishlist! Still, we'll reluctantly give you one thing: at least you didn't use this.

• CBS 2